Original subtitles

This is the story of Walter Nebeka.

Doing what he likes best, fighting crime in the streets.

You see, Walter's a policeman.

Unfortunately, the chief doesn't want Walter on the streets.

Captain, get back to your cage, boy.

Now! So Walter must fight crime in his own way, in the computer room.

That's where he's an expert.

Fortunately for me, Walter's advanced knowledge of electronics led him to

experiment with what is called a hologram.

That's a very fancy word for a three -dimensional picture that, when

can be made to look real, sound real.

As a matter of fact, given enough power, it can even be made to feel real.

That's kind of what got me into this world.

You must be Walter Nebeka.

How did you know that? It's on the programming you fed into my system. I

say, Walter, you're very good. Very good indeed.

I look wonderful.

If you do say so yourself.

You programmed me to be honest.

But tell me, why did you call me Auto Man? It means that you're the world's

first truly automatic man.

You can do anything because...

You're not real.

Oh, but I am. I'm as real as you are, just different.

And thanks to you, perfect.

Nobody's perfect, Auto Man.

That's not true, Walter.

You've programmed me to observe other people and do whatever they can do as

as they can do it.

Jimmy Connors playing tennis, John Travolta dancing.

In fact, on a scale of one to ten, think of me as an eleven.

I've created a monster.

No, what Walter really created was a wonderful force for good.

Auto Man.

That's me.

Don't worry, folks.

Just a little security problem.

They're not on him. Try his room. I did.

That girl he's been with.

Laura Ferguson.

Leave Laura out of this.

Come on.

Please don't tell anyone else.

If they find out, my life could be in danger.

I just hope this message gets to you in time.

Philippe?

Philippe? Is that you?

You just left a message for someone and I heard you. What did you tell him?

What do you want from me?

You have something that doesn't belong to you. I want it back.

Whatever it is you want, I don't have it.

I guess you made your choice.

What are you doing?

I'm familiarizing myself with your various forms of recreation.

Crime is fought on the streets, Otto, not on the golf wings.

The more I know about humans, the more effective I'll be at recreating their

behavior. Who knows?

I may have to impersonate a doctor someday.

You're right in the fairway, would you please, Walter?

You know, it's amazing the lengths your species will go to to put a little white

ball in a hole.

For someone who can trace his family tree back to Pong, I think he'd have a

little more appreciation for games.

Oh, darn.

Hit the sand trap.

Hello? Oh, hi, Roxanne.

Wally, do you know my friend Laura Ferguson?

Who? I told you about her, the travel writer.

Oh, yeah, Laura.

Wally, I'm afraid she's in trouble.

What do you mean?

Can you meet me at her apartment in ten minutes? What's the address?

All right.

Right, I got it. Bye -bye.

Uh, Otto?

The hole's the other way.

Walter, the shortest distance between two points is not always a straight

Your friend Laura sure lives in a nice place.

Laura went to Club 10 for two weeks. I'm house -sitting for her while she's

away. Club 10? Isn't that that jet -set spa?

Mm -hmm. The one on Brighton Isle. Yeah.

Anyway, she's writing an article for Travel World magazine, but she was due

three days ago.

Well, maybe she was having such a good time, she decided to stay a little

longer. That's what I thought at first.

But then this morning I played back the phone messages on her answering machine,

and there was a call on it from Laura.

She left a message for herself?

No, the message was for you.

Me?

You take a pretty mean punch.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, looks like we walked in on a burglary in progress.

This was no routine burglary.

Whoever that guy was, he was after the message in Laura's tape.

This has got to be connected with her disappearance.

Let's play this at headquarters.

I'm sure Jack and the captain will like to hear it, too.

If they find out, my life could be in danger.

I just hope this message gets to you in time.

Well, I got to admit, that woman may not actually be in trouble, but she

certainly thinks she is.

Captain, how can there be any doubt in your mind? Especially after the break

we just interrupted.

You said nothing was taken from the apartment.

Not that we could tell. He seemed to be after the tape.

I want you to call the authorities over there and let them handle it.

Captain, I've known Laura half my life. I'm not going to stand by and let

someone else try to figure out what happened to her.

I'm going to go down to Club 10 myself.

Who am I going to send as your backup? I can't spare a single soul here to go

with you.

Laura said I'd need Wally to decipher the message.

Nebbish. Nebbiker.

Whatever. Gone for a week.

You have some vacation time coming, haven't you?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Good.

Go with Roxanne and you'll do some investigating.

Thank you, Captain.

I think.

You sure you want Wally away for that long, right?

Just have to get along with Alan.

The Club 10 computer was more than accommodating. I just had to provide a

financial statement that was sufficiently impressive.

Ah, here are our reservations now.

Otto J. Mann?

Why are they in your name? The computer told me Club 10 takes its name very

seriously. Admission is granted only to those with a 10 rating in looks as well

as finances.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying they wouldn't let me in?

They claim they won't even make an exception for a 9.

I made the only logical choice. I hope you don't mind.

You're going as my valet.

Your what?

Well, don't worry.

Cursor will do my packing.

Now, wait one minute.

I have no intention of being anyone's servant.

Understood?

Understood.

We cover those diamonds within 72 hours. We could all end up paying for it with

our lives.

We'll find them.

Good morning.

Unless they find them first.

What are you talking about?

Those people checking in.

The ones I ran into while I was searching the girls' apartment.

Here.

Wait.

Wait.

Well, what are you going to do about them?

Why be in a hurry?

Obviously, they're looking for the same thing we are.

Just because we couldn't find the message the girl left doesn't mean they

Is everything all right?

Why not let them lead us to the diamonds?

And then I'll deal with them.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Well, now I know why they call this place Club 10.

Wally, put your eyeballs back in their sockets and remember why you're here.

Okay? Okay.

Has anybody seen Curson?

Curse her?

Come over here.

What were you doing in that sauna?

No, I would not believe you were changing into your bathing suit. I hate

Terrific, Otto.

Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Jerry. I'm Pug 10's recreation director. You are... My name is Otto.

Roxanne. This is Walter, my valet.

Yes, from Los Angeles. We've been expecting you.

Come, let me show you to your room. Here you go.

Please.

So tell me, how did you decide to come to Club Sand?

A friend of mine recommended it. Perhaps you know her. Laura Ferguson?

Yes, the writer.

She's here?

No, she's away on a cruise right now, but she should be back in a day or so.

A cruise?

Yes, she met a very charming Frenchman and they went off together.

These romances bloom so quickly here.

It's the climate.

Must be.

Well, this is it. As a matter of fact, your rooms happen to be right next door

to Miss Ferguson.

I hope you enjoy yourselves while you're here.

If there's anything that I can do, please don't hesitate to ask.

Thank you. Thanks.

Anything at all.

Chef. Oh, no, thank you.

We've eaten.

Well, I don't know about you two, but I don't buy that story about Laura being

away on a cruise.

The woman was obviously lying.

How do you know that? The first time she touched me, her blood pressure was 120

over 70. The second time it was 160 over 90. She was very nervous about

something.

Walking lie detector.

Otto, you're amazing.

So that's one person we have to watch out for. No, that's two.

Who else?

That guy in the tan jogging suit?

What guy?

The one that followed us from the pool.

Walter, you're pretty amazing yourself.

Yeah. Well, Mr. Amazing, how are we going to get into Laura's room without a

key? Oh, that's easy.

I'll let you in.

He really is amazing.

Reach now.

Reach. Billy, what are you doing? It hurts.

It's nothing compared with what we'll feel if we don't get free.

Now pull.

Pull now.

Having an interesting conversation?

Not really.

If I were you, I'd try praying.

How can I figure out a clue I can't even find?

I don't even know what we're looking for.

It's got to be in this article she was working on.

Well, I've been through it twice.

If there's a clue here, I don't see it.

Perhaps this will help.

What's that? Her notes for the article.

It's a diary.

Everywhere she went, everything she ate, it's all right here.

Maybe if we use the diary, retrace her steps, go everywhere she went, do

everything she did, we'll find the clue.

An excellent suggestion, Walter. I'll get started on the legwork right away.

Let's see. We'll start with breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Big one's leaving. He's got the diary.

Well, what about the other two?

They're still inside. I'm following the big one.

Why don't you stay with the others, and I'll pick him up.

All right, you got it.

Maybe it's not in the room.

All she said was come to Club 10.

I think I'll do a little snooping.

Seeing as how we're not doing too well finding the message, maybe I can find

Laura. Someone must have seen her leave.

If she left at all.

I'll go over her article again.

Maybe there's something so obvious we're just not seeing it.

Oh, you're a policeman.

Yeah. I see you are as well.

Sorry, I didn't know.

So I gathered.

All I know is that you were tailing me.

Actually, I've been tailing the man who was tailing you.

What man?

Come, Officer Nebiger.

Your department and my department.

We must have mutual cooperation.

Oh, absolutely.

I agree.

Then you will tell me why you're here.

Oh. Yeah, well, I'm on vacation.

Oh, please, don't insult my intelligence.

We want Roger Crandall as badly as you do. We have reason to believe he's using

Club 10 as a front.

Diamond smuggling can have a very adverse effect on our tourism.

Diamonds? Look, Mercer, I... Inspector Mercer.

Inspector Mercer.

I swear, I didn't know anything about smuggling diamonds.

Because you're here on vacation.

No, I'm not.

Good. Maybe now we can get somewhere.

Will that be all?

Let's see.

Chateaubriand.

Chocolate mousse and coffee.

If you'd be so good as to bring me 17 cups of coffee.

17. Oh, and a double espresso.

Double espresso.

May I join you?

Be my guest.

Are you hungry?

No, but you certainly appear to be.

Well, actually, I'm trying to cram seven days of vacation into one.

It's time to tango.

Shall we?

The girl's leaving.

I said the girl's leaving. Do you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you.

What's the matter? You been running?

No, not exactly.

Dancing. What?

Where's the big guy?

He's going windsurfing, swimming, and horseback riding.

And tomorrow he's going to play two sets of tennis, a little volleyball, and 18

holes of golf.

I'm telling you, the guy never gets tired.

Well, he may not be getting tired, but I am. I'm getting those diamonds back no

matter what it takes.

I tell you to scream.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not bad.

This is a par five.

If you're going to get any distance, you have to follow through.

Silly me. I thought the object was to hit the ball as hard as I could.

No.

Nice shot.

Can we talk?

Nice shot.

525 yards.

Nice shot.

I believe I'm on the green in one.

I'll see you there.

Come on, Mr. Nicklaus.

He may be the club pro, but he was following me.

I figured the best defense was an offense.

I challenged him to a grudge match.

Will you find out anything?

I overheard him on a walkie -talkie checking in with a man named Crandall.

Mercer was right.

This Crandall must be hoping we'll find those diamonds Mercer told you about.

That could take forever.

Unless... Unless what?

Why don't we act like we already found the message and we have the diamonds?

Then they'll come after us.

Right. And lead us to Laura.

Walter, you continue to amaze me.

We've got to celebrate.

Throw money around.

Convince them that we've got the diamonds.

Yeah, but how?

I mean, we don't have that much money.

I believe I can remedy that situation.

Your pot.

You will tell me if I'm doing this right.

He's got a nice touch, doesn't he?

Lucky shot.

You shouldn't have killed him, Crandall.

I did what we should have done the moment he said he wanted out.

Look, when we signed on to do this thing, it was the smuggled jewel, not to

kill.

We're not murderers.

You are now.

Look, Otto, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

We're only going to borrow the money.

Just promise me you'll pay it back.

Walter, you should know I'm completely honest. You wrote the owner's manual.

Hello? This is Auto Man.

Hello, Auto Man. What can I do for you?

It seems my friends and I have found ourselves without cash reserves, and I

wondering if you could arrange a small loan for us.

My pleasure, Auto Man.

This is crazy.

Guys, somebody is going to see us.

Holly, it is all over the floor.

That'll do.

I can't believe what I just saw. We just asked that machine to loan you money,

and it did.

What do you expect from an automatic teller?

That's your buddy, Navish.

It's a teletype from Inspector Mercer of the Brighton Isle Police Department.

He's just a little bit miffed at your pal Nebbish.

Despite his promise to cooperate, he's continuing to conduct an independent

investigation which may well conflict with our own efforts.

This is your fault, Curtis. I never should have let you talk me into letting

go. Come on, Captain. It was your idea.

Don't you contradict me.

Take the first plane over there.

Bring him back here before he trips over a gun and hurts somebody.

I have an announcement to make. My employer, Mr. Man, has to leave

tomorrow morning. And, well, this is his way of saying thank you.

That's right.

And the champagne's on us, along with everyone's dinner tonight.

Take it easy on the money, will you?

You certainly are a generous man.

Well, women as lovely as you are deserve something more. What did you have in

mind?

What is it? About 12 carats.

I understand.

They're a girl's best friend.

They are.

Next to you.

There you are. Come on, let's dance.

Is that Leopold?

His night off.

Thanks for the diamond, mister.

Man. Otto, man.

Look,

I'm telling you, he gave each one of the girls a diamond.

And they're throwing a party?

They're spending money like it was going out of style.

Okay.

and parting has depleted my power circuit.

I'm afraid I'll have to leave you for a while.

Well, before you, uh, res out on me, have you seen Roxanne?

I wish I could help you find her, but I'm just not myself right now.

So, we meet again.

Mercer, what happened?

I was hoping you could tell me.

Officer Nibica, you are under arrest for murder.

Mercer, you've got to believe me. I swear I never saw that guy before in my

life.

Look, somebody knocked me out.

The next thing I knew, I was lying on the golf course.

With the murder weapon in your hand.

Well, I know it sounds crazy, but would I make up a story that stupid if it

wasn't true?

You do have a point.

Well, then why are you locking me up?

We are trying to prevent another murder.

Yours?

Consider this protective custody.

No, wait. Mercer, come back.

Useless to argue.

But I'm innocent.

So was I.

Miss Ferguson, our time is running out.

Consequently, so is yours.

You kill me, you'll never find those diamonds.

I may be dead myself tonight if I don't come up with...

Let's see how brave you are when someone else's life is at stake.

Jerry?

It's about time. Where have you been? Actually, the generator I found was

stimulating. Listen, we can't waste any more time.

You've got to get me out of here.

Break out of jail?

Walter, you designed me to fight crime, not engage in it.

Otto, get me out of here! All right, all right, don't make a scene.

Otto, now, please.

All right, you know the procedure.

Look, a lot's happened. There's been a murder.

Roxanne might be in danger. I'll get us back to the resort as fast as I can. No,

no, I just escaped from jail. I don't want to draw any more attention.

Step on it.

I'll see if Roxanne's in the room. You go to the front desk and see if she left

us a message.

Park it for you, sir?

That won't be necessary.

Cursor?

Otto, I think you should send for

your tailor.

You're right, Walter.

Curta?

Very nice.

Thank you, Walter.

I'll check for a message from Roxanne at the front desk.

Jack, it's you.

Obviously, you're expecting somebody else.

What are you doing here?

Well, the captain thought you might be in just a little bit over your head.

Walter?

Walter?

I'm here.

You'll never guess who's here at Club 10.

Oh, I see you've already found him.

You remember Agent Mann from Washington?

Yeah, sure. Of course, he's got to be a habit, isn't he?

Now, don't tell me they got you working missing persons, too. When it involves

international diamond smuggling, yes.

Diamonds? What diamonds?

Look, I'll explain everything later. First, we've got to find Roxanne. We

haven't seen her since last night. Come on, Otto.

Walling, maybe you'd better leave a message in case she comes back here.

Good idea.

This is the page that was in the typewriter when we first came in.

Take a look at the last line.

All right.

Guests will find that even the most trivial requests are accommodated by

personnel.

So?

No asterisks.

I beg your pardon?

Would you mind explaining that to me, too?

Take a look at the ribbon here.

The last characters typed in are a row of asterisks.

She's a writer.

She left a coded message on the ribbon.

You're right, Walter.

She must have typed something else and then put this sheet back in the

typewriter. All we have to do is look at the imprint left on the ribbon.

The letters will be out of sequence. They don't read across.

They have to be read vertically in rows of three.

You forget, Walter, I'm fluent in IBM.

I'm going to ask you just one more time.

Where are the diamonds?

Don't tell them, Laura.

It's the only thing that's keeping you alive.

It may be so.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for you.

No, don't kill her.

Only you can stop it. You've got three seconds.

One, two... No!

I'll tell you.

Where are they?

They're in the dining hall.

Where in the dining hall?

They're in the bottom of the aquarium.

The dining hall closes in 20 minutes. We can get them then.

What'll we do with them?

The two of you take them to the other side of the island.

There's nothing there but sheer cliffs.

Exactly.

T -O -H -Q -R -M and another row of asterisks.

Somebody please translate.

Just one moment. I'll have it.

The diamonds...

are in the dining hall at the bottom of the aquarium.

Let's go, Walter.

You beat the computer.

What about Roxanne?

No, no, you two go get the diamonds. I'll see if I can find Roxanne.

Stay where you are.

Now back up slowly with your hands up.

Don't be fools.

We could take these diamonds and leave this island.

We could live like millionaires forever.

No deal.

Now tell us where we can find Roxanne and Laura.

The game's over.

Not quite.

Drop it.

You two have been a thorn in my side ever since you got here.

It's going to be a real pleasure disposing of you.

You're finished, Crandall. We've called the police.

They'll be here any minute.

And when they get here, I'll find her three bodies.

Three?

I'm sorry, my darling.

It's simple mathematics. A one -way split is much neater than a two -way

You'll never get away with it. Of course I will.

Two guns with whose fingerprints on them?

Certainly not mine.

The police will think you shot each other.

Yeah, but we know that's not true, don't we?

Drop it.

Don't get cute, just drop it.

All right, you two, put your hands on the aquarium.

If you want, I can take it from here. There's no sign of Roxanne.

Don't worry, we'll find her.

There she goes.

Roxanne? She's in that car with another woman. I didn't see her. They're on the

floor of the back seat.

Don't get it killed.

Walter, what is death but a sleep in the forgetting?

A transition from one energy state to another.

Cosmic inversion. Just shut up and drive.

Looks like we have company.

It's all we need right now.

Don't worry, Walter.

We can get a much better view of things from the air.

There they are.

What we need is a tree in the road.

All right, let's go, girls.

It's far enough.

Give me your car keys.

Come on!

It pulls a little to the left when you hit the brake.

Come on, hurry it up.

I believe everything's under control.

I'll take my leave now.

I didn't know what to do with them, so I put them in here.

It's almost impossible to see diamonds when they're immersed in water.

Smart girl.

If I was smart, I never would have fallen for Philippe.

I still can't believe he was a part of all those people.

And now he's gone.

Laura, Cramwell and his friends fooled a lot of people.

And it was a pretty neat scheme, too.

They used the rich clientele of Club 10 to unknowingly do the smuggling for

them. But how?

They had them carry tennis rackets, golf clubs, tennis balls, that sort of

thing. They got them to carry sports equipment full of diamonds through

at airports all over the world.

And then rip them off at the other end.

And according to Inspector Mercer, they'll all be senior citizens by the

they get out of jail. Oh, Wally, in the spirit of police cooperation, he has

decided to drop all charges against you.

Oh, you know that Mercer, he wasn't such a bad guy.

Provided you're off the island by noon tomorrow.

Well, I guess that about wraps it up.

Hey, what do you say we get those diamonds out of the tank, huh?

You know, Laura, I've got to hand it to you. I mean, that really was a smart

place to hide those diamonds.

I mean, only an idiot would stick his arm in a tank full of piranha.

Piranha?