Original subtitles

You see, when the Bible says God made the world in six days, each of those

could be hundreds of millions of years long. That's very long.

Yes, it is, Clint.

Very, very long. So long, in fact, it's very difficult to imagine just how long

it really is.

I've got a new watch.

Yes, that might help, but it's still very difficult to imagine a hundred

years. Forgive me, Mr. Lamb.

Yes, Mrs. Arbuckle.

Regarding the time scale, I always understood when the Bible said six

The Bible meant six days.

Do you not think, perhaps, to suggest anything else might be a wee bit

confusing?

I don't think anyone's confused.

Anybody not sure about what we've been talking about?

You're looking rather worried, Nicholas.

Anything I can help with?

Well, if God made everything out of nothing... Yes?

When he was making everything... Yes?

What did he stand on?

Philip's dragged me off camping every year since we've been married, and I

really don't enjoy living rough.

It has its charms.

Yes, well, this year I'm determined to have a holiday in comfort, in a real

in a real hotel, with someone else to do the cooking. Well, if there's anything

I can do to help persuade him... We'll have to break the idea gently.

So when you see him, just tell him that you really think he needs a proper

holiday. No problem, dear lady. Everybody I see these days looks in need

holiday.

Especially those who've just come back from one.

Is that you, Philip?

Hello. Remember what you've got to do. Don't worry, dear lady.

Oh, what a day.

I say, Desmond, you're looking a bit of a swell this morning. He's had a bath,

too.

A bath?

Are you ill?

No.

I've got a job interview this afternoon.

Wearing a tie, too.

I always wear a tie.

Yes, only to keep your trousers up.

Oh, I've had rather a hard time from Mrs. Arbuthnot.

She thinks my approach to the Bible is rather avant -garde. Hardly surprising.

think she went to school with John Knox.

Yes, of course.

Philip, I don't want to worry you, but you are looking tired these days.

Am I?

Very, very tired.

Yes, very tired.

Really? Absolutely exhausted.

I really think you ought to have a special holiday this year. Oh, I don't

so, Desmond. We always go camping and I couldn't disappoint Emma.

Disappoint me?

Darling, I don't want you to be hurt by what I'm going to say, but... What?

I hate camping!

Well, that's breaking it gently, all right.

Have a look at this holiday brochure. This is the sort of holiday I'd like to

have this year.

But you don't really hate camping.

I do. You know I'm always moaning on about it. Yes, I know. It's all part of

fun of a camping holiday.

What is?

Well, of good natured moan we all have a moan, don't we? What would a holiday be

without a good moan occasionally?

Enjoyable.

Extraordinary morning.

I suddenly discover she hates camping and you're going for a job interview.

The welfare crowd.

Relief night watchman.

Well below my capabilities are then so few openings these days for an

merchant banker.

You're not a merchant banker, Desmond. Well, not currently, no, but in my

I was renowned in the city as a financial whiz kid.

Well, what happened?

Well, I'm afraid the whiz was rather replaced by the, uh, fizz.

Philip, Doreen Partridge has arrived with a couple of cases. Cases of what?

Nothing drinkable, Desmond. Don't get excited.

I found the blankets for the relief appeal.

Doreen's organised a collection.

I'm talking of collections, Philip. I suppose you couldn't let me have 15

before you go, could you? 15 pounds? Well, to get a decent suit from a

shop, I'll never get a job dressed like this.

Tie or no tie?

I don't think we've got £15 between us.

Oh, yes, we do.

Hey, not the holiday money.

What holiday? You hate camping. We can't afford anywhere else. Now, how long

before I get this back?

Strictly UCG, I swear it. It had better be.

UCG?

Until I cash my gyro.

Oh, hello, Dory. Oh.

These are me.

Splendid. Of course, they weigh a ton.

It's just some things I'll leave while I'm away.

Why are you going away? Anywhere nice? My mother's.

I've left Norman for good.

Oh, really? There's hope for me, then.

Oh, you're serious?

Well, I don't believe it, Dorian. When we see you together on Sundays, I mean,

you look the happiest couple in the world.

Sundays is our best day.

That's the only day you don't do it.

Don't do it? Don't do what?

We've kept it a secret so long it's hard to tell anyone, even you.

Well, knowing Norman, he can't be that bad, can he?

Well, it's... It's saucy.

Yeah,

with thousands of pounds in debt.

Because of these saucies?

He's obsessed with them. It's a sickness.

More like a disease.

A disease? You mean he's addicted to these saucies?

That is exactly, Philip, it's addiction.

can't take no more of it. I see.

What sort of sausage are these exactly?

Ray's sausage.

Oh, Ray's sausage.

Well, that's what I said, didn't I?

Yes, of course you did. Of course you did, Gloria. Sorry.

They're ruining our life, Philip.

This morning the finance people come and took away the telly, the spin dryer,

the video and the new bait.

I love that bed, Philip.

Posture springing it was.

You got posture springing? I'm afraid not.

It's like a yo -yo, Philip, a yo -yo.

The past is springing. No, my light.

One minute he's got hundreds of pounds in his pocket and the next we've got

nothing to sleep on.

Now, Doreen, Doreen, listen to me. You go home, I'll collect Norman and we'll

all sit down and talk this through.

He won't get him out of the bookies till the last race is run.

He's in the grip of dabbling fever.

First I enjoyed it as much as he did, but...

Now, I know it's poison.

I swear to God, I'll never gamble again as long as I live.

Dory, when I tell Norman you're leaving, he'll come running. You want to bet?

Oh, Norman.

Hello,

Phil. I didn't know you played the JJs. I don't. I've come to see you. Oh, have

you? Oh, well, we'd better set this one out then.

Come into my office.

Office?

Oh, thank you.

I wondered how long it would be before you found out about my little hobby.

Little hobby? Looks more like a full -time job.

How do you manage to get so much time off?

Time off?

From your job with the Parks Department.

The Parks Department?

You told me you looked after the lawns.

No, no, no, Philip. What I probably said was I was an expert on the turf.

And you just got the wrong end of the stick.

Well, Dorian thinks you're anything but expert. That's why I'm here.

I'm afraid I've got some rather bad news.

What, about Dorian? Yes.

She's not had an accident, has she? No, no, no, nothing like that. But I'm

afraid she's threatening to leave you. Oh, is that all?

What?

I thought it was something serious.

It is serious if I hadn't stopped her, she'd have gone back to her mother's.

it's a pity you stopped her, Philip.

Doreen's mum's always complaining she never sees enough of her.

Don't you love her?

Doreen's mum? No, no, Doreen. Well, of course I do, Philip, but... Well, we're

always having these wee tips on the QT, you know.

Sure, it makes getting together again all the nicer.

Look, Norman, this is different. The finance people have taken away the TV,

video, the spin dryer and the new bed.

The new bed's gone? With the pasta springing, yes. That's all the more

let her go round to her mum's.

Save her sleeping on the floor.

Norman, she won't go anywhere if you and I and she sit down and talk this thing

over. No, no, I can't leave now.

Sure, the big races are just coming in. I just can't reconcile all the good

works you do for the church with your addiction to this. No.

Conflict? Hell, sure. There's horse racing in the Bible.

In the Bible? Yeah, Ben Hur was a jockey.

Never mind about Ben Hur. What about Doreen? Hang on, Philip. Do you know, I

think your coming here at this precise moment could be a godsend.

Well, Norman, if it can help to save your marriage... No, no, not that. No,

Look at this.

See that?

I knew it.

There's a horse called Ben Hur's brother going in the two o 'clock race at

Newbury. What?

You fancy a flim on him each way?

A flim?

Ah, no, that's too tame. Let's go mad.

Let's go for a five -pound wind treble.

Treble? On the nose, no mess.

You want me to set one up for you?

No, thank you. Until you've experienced the thrill of your horse coming in,

you're in no position to criticise.

What's your favourite hymn?

Hymn? You quite like Creator of the Earth and Skies, don't you? Yes. Right,

what's the number of it?

Three hundred and... Twenty.

Three twenty. Right, now.

There's a 320 race at first.

All I have to do, you see, is go down the list of rollers until we find a

suitable horse.

Oh, look at that, Bill.

Number 14.

What could be more appropriate?

Holy roller. A 12 to 1.

You're doing very well, aren't you?

Am I? Yes. I mean, I put this fiver on for you and these two horses come in.

You've already made yourself over 2 ,000 quid.

Am I? Yes, you see, the money you won on Ben Hur's brother at 40 to 1, All goes

on to Holy Ruler at 12 to 1. Now, we've got to pick your third horse. Right,

what's running?

Give me a quote.

What do you mean, quote? What kind of quote? Well, from the Bible.

From the Bible? Well, if a house would be divided against itself, that house

cannot stand. Ah, St. Mark, right. Yes, chapter 3, verse 24.

Verse 25.

325. Now, there's a 325.

The 325 race at Stratford.

Oh, Phil.

Do you believe in science?

Science? Look at that.

Course number three.

Moses supposes.

A ten to one.

See how this could get to you? A minute ago you had nothing. Now you've got over

20 ,000 quid.

Well, you will have as soon as I put this fibre on for you.

No, I am not giving you a fibre. It's all right. You can know it to me, Phil.

No, for heaven's sake. Phil! You've got to bet on this.

I tell you, you couldn't have a clearer sign if the hand of the Almighty had

reached down through the clergy and filled in the bet and slipped himself.

Norman, I'm asking you for the last time to come back and talk to Doreen.

Later, later.

As soon as I've placed the bet.

Well, I'll say this, Norman.

Your attitude makes me very, very sad.

You'll soon cheer up when I call round with your winnings.

Hello, Desmond.

Oh,

hello, Philip.

Where's the new suit?

Suit? You borrowed £15 from me to buy a new suit for your interview.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, I did, didn't I? Well, where is it?

The suit. The suit, yes.

Well, at this precise moment... Yes?

...it is just entering the starting gate at Donquistown.

You'd seen the look in Norman's eyes, Emma.

It was naked lust.

Oh, lucky Dory.

The lust to win.

What were those three horses he bet on for you? It doesn't matter what they

I want nothing to do with it. Oh, of course you don't, darling.

But, um, what was the first one called?

Ben Hur's brother.

Ben Hur's brother?

Where's it running?

Look, Emma, how can I cope with Norman's problem if we allow ourselves to get

caught up in gambling fever? Well, here it is. Look, Ben Hur's brother in the

two o 'clock at Newbury.

Oh, the race will be over by now.

phone to find out whether he won? We are not phoning anyone.

It's 40 to 1.

Philip, if he comes in, that's over 200 pounds.

We could ring that bookie in the high street.

What was the second horse? As far as I'm concerned, the bet doesn't exist.

Ben Hur's brother doesn't exist.

Holy Roller doesn't exist. Holy Roller?

That's the second horse?

Yes. Where's he running?

What's your favourite hymn?

What? Norman asked me what my favourite hymn was. That's how we arrived at the

320th Thirsk. Oh, Thirsk, Thirsk.

Here we are.

Oh.

Right, now, what's the third non -existent horse?

Moses Supposes, 325 at Stratford.

But I warn you, Emma, even if all three horses win, I am not touching a penny of

that money. Oh, Philip. I'm sorry, morally it would be wrong. Yes, I know,

financially, wouldn't it be wonderful?

Oh, hello, Mrs. Arbuthnot.

I thought it wiser to come round in person, Mr. Lamb.

The telephone is so unreliable these days. You never know who might be

in. Oh.

Well, if anyone's listening in to mine, they must be bored silly.

You come in.

The first door on the right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Philip! Yes?

It won!

What? Ben Hur's brother won at 40 to 1. Really? That means over £200 going on to

the next horse. What's his name? Holy Roller. Holy Roller.

He's on the telly any minute now.

I told you I am not interested.

As far as I'm concerned, the horse doesn't exist. The race doesn't exist.

if it doesn't exist, there's no harm in watching it, is there?

Ooh.

I'm so sorry to keep you. Please sit down.

Now, what can I do for you?

Mr Lamb, earlier today, when I was out with a group of small children, I saw

entering a betting shop.

Oh, I see.

Now, do you honestly think that you, a man of the cloth, should be setting this

sort of example to children of impressionable years?

Mrs. Arbutham, I think I can explain.

Come on, Holyrola!

Was that your wife calling for you?

I don't think so.

Come on, come on!

Move yourself!

Move yourself!

She sometimes helps out with the choir.

They're probably rehearsing a spiritual. You know, move yourself, move yourself.

You don't move yourself.

Anyway, about the betting shop.

I can assure you, Mrs. Arbuthnot, I did not go in there to place a bet on any

horses.

Would you like to leave the room? Would you leave the room?

Oh.

Um, yes.

Sorry.

When I, uh... When I said I didn't go in there to place a bet, that was

absolutely true.

A friend of mine insisted on placing an accumulator bet on my behalf, despite my

protestations. As you heard, two of the horses have just won, and that relieves

the third horse, mostly supposes.

May I ask how much you will win if the third horse comes in?

Well, it's something in the region of 20 ,000.

Pounds?

Yes, pounds.

You did give yourself full cover, didn't you?

Full cover?

Three singles, three doubles and a treble?

I refuse to accept more than half of it.

Norman will have to have the other half.

That is, of course, if he did put the bet on.

What?

You mean there's a doubt about it? Well, I did my best to persuade him not to.

What?

I just hope my best wasn't good enough.

Well, don't worry about me, Philip.

If you didn't place the bet...

Personally, I would kill him.

Oh, hello, Desmond. Philip, look, this is the suit.

Oh, he got back from Doncaster, then? Yes, not only that, but he came in at

three to one. So here is your 15 pounds returned with gratitude.

Oh, thanks. By the way, Desmond, did you notice if Norman put a bet on? What

bet? When we met at the betting shop, Norman was about to place a bet.

What do you mean, the three -horse accumulator? Yes, you see, I said he

shouldn't, so he probably didn't. I mean, he wouldn't if I said he

would he?

Did he?

Philip, I'm terribly sorry.

He didn't. He did.

He did. He eventually put the money off. Five pounds. I was standing right

behind him in the queue. In that case, Desmond, you keep this. No, no, no.

No.

Oh, all right.

I don't say it won't come in very handy. You know, I didn't get that job.

I think I seemed a bit too eager.

Really? But you didn't really want it. Well, that was before I knew more about

it. Night watchman, wasn't it?

At the local brewery.

Come on, come on. How much is it? Are you ready for this?

The grand total is £29 ,351, which makes our half £14

,675 .50.

Where's the holiday brochure?

Upstairs. How do you fancy a couple of weeks in Venice?

What, no more camping?

Camping? I'll burn the tent tonight.

I want to see Ann Doran. Come in, come in.

Wait there.

We've got some fantastic news, Phil.

We wanted to tell you in person.

You're back together again, then?

Yeah, but that's not the news. No.

Do you remember that bet I wanted to put on for you, the five -pound treble?

That's the one.

Well, I got up to the counter, but you were looking so unhappy about it, I

thought to myself, it's wrong, sinful even, to involve Phil like this. So I

and sat down again.

I didn't place the bet.

But Desmond saw you put the fiver on. Ah, yes, because, well, while I was

sitting there, Phil, I thought to myself, I know it's a crazy gamble, but

because Philip doesn't fancy it, there's no reason why I shouldn't have a go.

So I put the fiver on for myself.

It's incredible, Philip, you'll never guess, but all three horses came in.

Did they?

Philip, thanks to you, I, we, have won the incredible

sum of... How much do you think?

Have a guess. Oh, I have in the pocket.

Nearly £30 ,000.

Gosh. Gosh, he says.

Me and Norman have been talking all the way here in the taxi, and we feel it's

only right that you should have half.

Oh, no, Dorian, I couldn't accept that. Oh, why not?

After all, Phil, you picked the horses.

You said the Almighty did that.

Oh, yes, so it did, yes.

All right, then, I'll tell you what.

£15 ,000 to us and the rest to him.

After we come back from holiday, we can all sit down and help you choose your

favourite charity.

Lovely. We're going to pay off all our debts, try and get our bed out of hock,

and then Norman's taking me on a second honeymoon.

Somewhere in the sun, you know.

Somewhere... Really warm.

You might find a few ideas in here. Oh, Helen, have you heard them? Yes, I heard

everything.

Congratulations. Oh, thanks, Emma. Thanks.

Well, thanks again, Phil.

Oh, and don't worry about the gambling.

I promise I'll never make another bet unless it's sanctioned by clergy.

Would we really have been happy spending money gained from horse racing?

It wouldn't have worried us for long, would it?

It wouldn't have worried me at all.

Oh, I'm sorry, love. I'll try and make it up to you. I'll try and give you the

kind of holiday you really want.

How can you? We've got less than £30 in the holiday fund.

I wonder... What?

Emma? Hmm?

What's your favourite hymn?