Original subtitles

Emma, do you know what I've just done?

What? I've just brushed my teeth with shaving cream.

Why did you do that?

I don't know.

I'm just so zonked, I suppose.

If I'd have started filming at the mouth, I probably wouldn't have noticed.

Didn't it taste awful? Oh, absolutely disgusting.

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, most wonderful, and again wonderful. Oh, you dear old thing.

How have I been able to stay away from you for so long?

Thank you, darling.

Now I'm talking to the bed.

Oh, you may be getting on in years when you've started sticking out in some odd

places. You're still talking to the bed, I hope. Oh, Emma, if we manage a week's

holiday this summer, let's spend it in bed.

Good night, love.

Excuse me.

You're not going to sleep right away, are you?

Oh, well, what did you have in mind?

I've hardly seen you for days. You never even ask about the children.

I'm sorry, love. It's going to be like this for the next few months till I get

to know the new parish.

There are people out there leading lives of quiet desperation.

Well, there are people in here who are feeling just as desperate from time to

time, especially when their husbands come home and ignore them. I've been

small talk all day. I don't have to think I've the energy for any more. All

have to do is listen.

I don't even think I've got the energy for that.

Oh, my legs.

Oh, my.

Just as well I didn't want you to make mad passionate love to me.

Well, give me half an hour.

Then I really would believe in miracles.

Oh.

You don't have to answer it, Philip. You know I do.

It could be a wrong number. It could be someone at the end of their tether. Then

let me talk to them. We can compare tethers.

Hello.

0689.

Yes, Mrs. Otterby.

No, no, he's not back yet. And when he does get in, I think he'll be very

Give me the phone, Emma. Just a minute, Mrs... It's a quarter past midnight.

Some people take longer than others to get over a bereavement.

Mr. Otterby died two years ago.

I know that. But it's this time of night she misses him most. It's at this time

of night the telly closes down so she switches on the vicar. She just wants

someone to listen to her, that's all.

Just a minute, Florence. Well, you can thank her for the tip.

What tip? The one sure way of getting you to listen to me is become a widow.

Hello, Florence. How are you?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Poor old France. She does go on a bit.

Is that a pot of tea you made?

Nope. Straight gin. I've decided to become an alcoholic, then you might

more time with me.

Oh, I'm sorry, love. She's a bit upset.

Her cat's ill. Really?

Does she want you to dash round and administer the last rites? Well, I know

seems silly, but it's the only family she's got now.

Anyway, I'll take my phone off the hook.

Can't you be defrocked for that kind of thing? Look, I'm hanging up my dog

collar for the night, so until dawn I'm no longer a vicar.

Only a man.

Sounds promising.

I thought you'd taken the phone off the hook. I have.

Ah, it's the front door.

I thought you said you weren't a vicar tonight.

Darling, I've got to see who it is.

Probably Florence and her cat.

Well, it's after midnight.

Might be an emergency.

Philip, don't take the chain off. You know how rough this area gets at night.

It seems so unfriendly. Tell the people it's there to keep out, and don't let

anyone in until they've shown proof of identity.

Oh, right.

Yes?

Sorry to disturb you, vicar, but we didn't know where else to come.

We've been evicted. And Doreen's going to have a baby.

You mean tonight?

It's due in six weeks.

But it's her first, so it could come early.

You mean, would you come tonight?

Philip?

The poor girl's standing out there.

It's all right, will it? Just let me have a smile, will you?

Um, I'm sorry to ask you this, but have you any proof of identity? Oh, for

heaven's sake, do you want to throw the baby on the doorstep?

What?

Come in, you poor thing. Oh, let me take that.

Right, straight through.

Straight down the hall. And don't mind Philip, he's just naturally suspicious.

Lock up, darling.

This is really good of you, Vicar.

Especially seeing as how I'm really a Methodist. Why, I don't think that

matters very much. No, fair, fair, Vicar.

You're putting us up for the night.

So wherever your church is, we'll join it.

Thank you very much.

What is your domination, Vicar, if I might be so bold?

My dom... Oh, Anglican.

Anglican? Yes.

He said he was C of E.

I'm C of E as well.

C of E and Anglican.

Yes, very wise, Victor, having a second string to your bow.

I mean, you never know when one of them's going to pack up, do you?

No.

I've made up the sofa bed in the office, but I don't know if it'll be very

comfortable. Oh, that's all right.

After what we've been through tonight, we could sleep in a bed of nails. Well,

we have to be up at seven, but we'll try not to disturb you.

Don't worry about that, Mrs Lamb.

Your husband's a real Christian. Well, if he's not, he's been in the wrong job

for 20 years, hasn't he?

Goodnight. I hope you sleep well. Thank you. Thank you.

Had enough tea?

Yes, and Emma, that was very nice.

Just the normal tea bag.

No, I'm not talking about the tea bag.

I mean the way you said they could stay the night without a moment's hesitation.

How could we possibly turn them away?

Very easily at this time of night.

No room at the inn and all that.

What?

Pregnant mother, husband, nowhere to stay.

What does that remind you of?

Oh, them.

Yes, of course.

No doubt in this instance it's a virgin birth.

Well, I certainly hope it isn't. We'll come round in the morning and find the

place crawling with shepherds.

had to be up at seven, so I've made you some coffee.

Oh,

that's very nice of you.

Doreen. Doreen.

You shouldn't have gone to all that trouble.

Oh, no trouble, Mrs. Lamb. I have to get Kevin off to work anyway.

He's a sanitation engineer with the council.

Ah.

Well, you needn't have gone up this early.

Oh, it's all right, honestly.

I mean, what with the baby and everything, I usually start throwing up

anyway.

right out of this room.

Is that you, Philip?

Oh, there.

Good morning, Desmond.

Have you been there all night?

I didn't want to miss saying that.

Oh, indeed.

As a matter of fact, it's my birthday.

Oh, happy birthday, Desmond. I always like to give thanks on my birthday for

gift of life and any other little gift. that might happen to come my way in the

course of the day. Like a spot of breakfast, perhaps? Or a spot of cash,

perhaps.

I suppose you wouldn't care for a noggin of cider in celebration.

Not at seven o 'clock in the morning, Desmond.

Some people have orange juice in the morning.

I prefer apple juice.

Where did you, um... Where did you nick the boards from?

I stole nothing.

I've gone into advertising.

I sported those all day, up and down the high street.

A sandwich man? Oh, that's very kind, but... I'd prefer to cook.

Ah, morning, Mr Lamb.

Hello, Kevin.

Just off to work? Yeah.

And I'll try and find somewhere else for tonight.

Well, don't worry if you can't. Oh, that's really kind of you.

I know that fellow.

He works for the council, doesn't he? Yes, he's a sanitation engineer.

Sanitation engineer, me aunt Fanny. He's a dustbin man.

I know everyone round here.

Oh, well, you must also know he's just been evicted.

You what? He had to spend the night in my office.

It's been a frightful bore having people sponging on you like that.

Yes.

Desmond, let me relieve you of your mobile home, and I'll just tell Emma

here. Oh, well, I'm confident she'll give me a royal welcome, eh?

After all, it is my birthday.

So you keep on saying, Desmond.

Retouch. She's cooked breakfast for the kids and now she's doing the washing up.

Oh, good. I'm afraid we've got another visitor now.

Not Desmond. The same. He can't have got through his gyro already.

Oh, well, it's his birthday. I think he thinks of us as his family. Yeah, but

who wants to be related to Desmond?

True.

Good morning, Desmond. Oh, God bless the woman of the house.

I hear it's your birthday.

Perfectly correct, dear lady.

But I wouldn't wish you to waste any time shopping for a present.

I'm not one to be embarrassed by gifts of money.

Mrs Lamb? You're not one to be embarrassed by anything.

Come in.

I'm going to have to leave the dishes.

I think my legs are swelling up again.

Well, I'm not surprised. You go right back to bed, do you hear? I don't like

be a burden. You're not, believe me.

What's she doing here?

Well, a story.

Kevin's wife. You met him outside the door. What do you mean you let them

in the office?

And her in that condition?

It was a perfectly comfortable put you up. You mean they were in bed together

under your roof?

Well, don't be such a prude, Desmond. They're married, aren't they? Certainly

they're married.

But not to each other.

Yeah?

Oh, uh, Dorian, uh, I wonder if I can have a quick word.

Oh, how are the old legs, by the way?

Not so bad.

I think I've been doing too much.

Yes, yes, I had heard you'd been a bit busy.

What I'm terrified of is Varricus Vane.

My mum had them something horrible.

Legs like road maps, all on account of having me, she said.

Well, I don't think she'd really blame you.

Oh, yes.

She said it was when she was lying on her back with her legs in the air,

pushing, that they'd come up.

Yes, yes, that can be a contributory factor.

Doreen, I wonder if we could talk about you and Kevin.

Oh, he's a wonderful help, Mr Lamb. He rubs baby oil in them when they start to

swell up. Yes, I'm sure that's very beneficial, but could we move off your

for a minute and look at your position in a wider context?

My position?

Yes, well, the thing is, Doreen, Desmond, the chap in the kitchen, he

recognises you and Kevin, mainly, I think, because Kevin empties dustbins

does Desmond, in an unofficial capacity, of course.

Now, he might have got completely the wrong end of the stick, but he says that

you and Kevin are not actually married.

Well, actually, we are.

Then Desmond's wrong.

Yes.

Kevin's married, and I'm married.

Well, yes, yes, but the point is, Dorian, are you married to each other?

Well, yeah, biologically speaking.

Well, never mind biology for the moment.

When you stood at the altar... Registry office. Oh, registry office. Was the man

you promised to love, honour and obey Kevin?

Well, if you put it like that, I have to say no.

But Kevin was present.

At the wedding?

Yeah, he was Brian's best man.

Brian? My husband.

So you're actually married to a man called Brian?

Well, I suppose if you want to be fussy about it, I'd have to say yes.

It's not a question of being fussy.

We couldn't help ourselves, Mr Lamb.

I mean, just before Christmas, Brian started working nights and Paula got a

as a barmaid. Paula?

Kevin's wife.

So there was me and him, left alone every night.

So, I mean, living next door to one another like that, it was inevitable,

it?

No, Doreen, it certainly wasn't.

Everybody lives next door to someone, but they don't all run off with each

other's spouses.

Yes, but, Mr Lamb, when Brian started doing all that overtime, well, when he

came home, he was too tired, you know.

For what?

Oh.

Well, he can't have been all that tired. You're going to have his baby.

Aren't you?

You mean it's Kevin's?

But, Doreen, if Brian was always so tired, how does he explain that?

When I found out I was having it, I thought I'd better make sure there was

the chance Brian might think it was his.

What?

Oh, I see. So I'm not the only one you've been lying to.

We never lied.

Last night you said you'd been evicted.

Our consciences evicted us, Mr Lamb. We couldn't go on living a lie, so we

walked out.

All right, but Kevin introduced you as his wife.

No, Vicar. He distinctly said this is the wife. He didn't actually say whose.

Very clever.

Are you going to chuck us out? No, of course not. Not in your condition.

But I insist that you and Kevin agree to a meeting with Brian and Paula.

All four of us? Yes.

Oh, I couldn't, Vicar.

Brian's got a terrible temper. I can't help that. I'm going to do my damnedest

to patch up your marriages.

But until such time as that meeting takes place, I'd prefer it if Kevin

separately in a sleeping bag on the floor.

Oh, that'll be all right.

I mean, what with my bump, he seems to wind up on the floor anyway.

But you're wasting your time.

Brian will never forgive either of us.

Kevin was his best friend.

What about Paula?

Was she your best friend?

No fear.

She's my sister.

Well, now, if the others arrive on time, we should aim to have tea in about half

an hour. All right, Philip, but I can't help thinking you're wrong about this.

What? Trying to patch things up. Emma, it's taken me nearly a week to arrange

this meeting. I know, but Kevin and Doreen are obviously very much in love.

That's got nothing to do with it. We're talking about saving two marriages here.

I see.

Love has got nothing to do with marriage. No. Yes.

Don't be silly, Emma. You'd rather they were unhappily married. No, of course

not. But what about Brian and Paula? Why doesn't their unhappiness count? Well,

of course it does. But marriage is a contracted love. It's unavoidable.

Oh, don't start talking like Barbara Cartland. Look, measles are unavoidable.

Old age is unavoidable. Being knocked down by a runaway bus is unavoidable.

That's exactly how love can get you sometimes.

You don't really mean that, do you? I do. Emma.

If falling in love was exactly the same as being hit by a bus, people wouldn't

do it.

They'd realise it was bad for their health. I still think you ought to give

a chance.

Love takes every chance going.

It's marriage that needs a bit of help.

I...

Brian,

Paula, nice to see you. Come in, come in.

All I ask, Vicarica, don't sit me anywhere near Kevin.

I don't know if I could keep my hands off him. No, look, Brian, it's not a

big room, Brian, so I'd be grateful if you would exercise restraint.

I'd like to exercise this handbag right across her cheating little face.

We're looking for solutions here, Paula, not more problems.

Banging her across here with my handbag won't give me any problems.

Let's hear what the vicar has to say first, right?

Right. Um, in here.

Hello, Brian.

Paula, I don't think I've got anything to say to you, Kevin.

Oh, haven't you?

Well, I've got plenty.

I'm sorry, Paula.

Sorry?

Sorry? If that wasn't so pathetic, I could laugh. I could really.

Will you all like to sit down?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Sit down, Paula.

As for you two, I'll just say this.

You've shamed us, both of you.

You've shamed me.

You've shamed your sister.

And what's worst of all, you've shamed an unborn child.

Yes, but... That's all I want to say, Vicar.

You forgot about our mum?

What? You shamed our mum, worst of all, you slag.

Running up with your brother -in -law.

I swear to God, Vicar, she's the first incense we've had in our family.

Not incense, Paula, incensed.

I just have to say that I think it's very courageous and generous of you to

along tonight.

It means that your marriages still mean something to you. Oh, yeah, they mean

something, all right.

Total embarrassment.

Pitying glances in the pub.

Sniggers behind our backs.

I should have seen what was coming at Christmas. You pinched my Cindy doll.

Now, look, look, look.

I'm not suggesting this is going to be easy for any of you.

But marriage, you see, needs working at. If you want it to survive, it can.

And I promise you, if it does, it'll be unassailable.

If it does, it'll be a miracle.

I'm not the one who needs convincing, Vic. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to

take Doreen back right now. But understand this, Doreen, I'm only doing

the sake of our unborn child.

I'm being honest with you. You can't say fairer than that.

Oh, and that would be your only reason, would it? A kid ought to grow up with

his father, right?

Doreen, do you have any comment on that?

No.

Kevin?

It's all yours, Vicar.

Right. Well, um, Brian... Would you like to move your chair a bit further back,

please?

Now, Brian, when you say a child ought to grow up with his father, I'm in total

agreement with you, of course, but only if the child's father is, as it were,

the father.

Just what are you trying to say, Vicar?

The child that Doreen is carrying... It's Kevin's.

Kevin's? I'm sorry, Brian.

It was New Year's Eve. When you were on the night shift and Paula's pub had the

extended licence.

Kevin's? In there?

Guess what this means? Ready, Brian?

It means we're all right. Oh, Brian!

I just wondered if you were ready for tea yet.

What? I'm sorry if I shouted, Vicar, it's just I'm so relieved.

What? You see, me and Paula have been having a ding -dong since last October.

What?

Paula! Oh, Miss Kevin, we just about decided to come clean about it when

went and got pregnant.

Well, there was no way Brian was going to leave her after that. So we stopped

seeing each other.

That's why we were so livid when them two ran off together.

Oh, Paula.

I'm so happy for you.

Dory. You sly dog.

Since last October?

Yeah. So you weren't really doing overtime then?

I was doing overtime, all right.

I could kill you.

What do you say, Vicar?

Yes. What?

I think we're ready for tea.

Of course.

All's well that ends well, eh?

Oh, yes.

If you think a double adultery is a successful conclusion, it's wonderful.

They're going to get a divorce and make it legal.

Why, yes, but I thought it was a bit much when they asked me to conduct a

wedding ceremony when they remarry.

Oh, no.

You don't think it's them back again?

They probably can't decide who moves in with who.

Don't open the door till you put the chain on. I know, I know.

God bless the woman in the house.

I think it's Desmond.

Oh, I see.

I didn't get you up, did I? Yes, Desmond, you did.

It's after midnight, you know. Do you mean it's tomorrow already?

In a manner of speaking. Well, that's why I'm here.

You'll never guess what day it is.

It wouldn't be your birthday, would it? Philip, you remembered from last year.

No, Desmond, I remember from last Tuesday.

You said it was your birthday then and we gave you a pound, remember?

That would be on account of my birthday.

Exactly, so it can't be your birthday today.

Philip, I wouldn't lie to you.

Desmond, you can't have two birthdays.

Oh, certainly I can.

Well, how do you manage that?

I'm a born again Christian.