Original subtitles

Well, for once we seem fairly well advanced with the parish magazine.

All we need are my intercessions, Emma's car rotor, and then we can put it to

bed.

I'm sorry, but every time you say that, I think of the parish mag in Jim Jams.

We don't seem to have Wilf's gardening column yet.

Not much to say this time of the year, really. Just dig it up.

Turn it over.

We will elaborate on that, surely.

Oh, you know, dig it up and turn it over about says it all.

It's, um, looking a little bit lonely all by itself on the page. Well, perhaps

we could fill it up with a little drawing of a robin on a wheelbarrow.

We had a little drawing of a robin on a wheelbarrow last month when you were

equally reticent on the subject of propagating rhubarb. Robin.

That was a woodpecker. The species is immaterial.

Either you write a gardening column or you don't. My wife is very anxious to

have some of her poetry published.

You've read a selection, haven't you, Philip?

I certainly have, Major.

What did you think?

Memorable.

Incredibly memorable.

Sorry to interrupt, but Philip, there's a phone call. Well, can't they phone

back? It's the bishop.

The bishop?

Ah, better see to that. That can't be a tick. I suppose I could always say a few

words about the dangers of apple scab.

That's more like it, Wilf. Good, hard -hitting stuff.

Can I get more coffee for anyone?

No, thank you.

No, thanks. But I wouldn't mind another one of them rich tea biscuits they went

down at eight. Never mind about the biscuits.

Why is the bishop phoning? Isn't something we ought to know about?

So... No -one wants more coffee. Emma, is there something you haven't told us,

something we ought to know?

Well, there is one thing, but it's not good news. Oh, what's that?

We've run out of biscuits.

No, no, no, not at all unreasonable, Bishop.

You've been more than patient.

For the last time, Peter, go and do that in your bedroom.

But the soda makes such a rotten pong.

So you come down here and stink up the kitchen.

Not for long, Mum. It can't compete with the smell of your cooking.

Thank you very much. I understand, Bishop, and I promise you will get a

answer then. Come hell or high water.

Yes. Goodbye.

That's going to take all that junk up to your room. I bet Einstein's mother

never interfered with his experiment.

Don't compare yourself with Einstein. He kept on with his violin lessons.

What did the Bishop say?

He's phoning back at three o 'clock on Sunday. Then I have to give him a

definite decision about the new parish.

Shall we move to Edendale or not? Why do you have to wait so long?

Mum didn't like what she saw of it last Sunday. So why do we have to move?

Because we have to. Why?

You know why, darling. They're going to knock down this lovely old house, so we

have to move.

Either to a new vicarage here or Eatondale.

Oh, it's so boring.

So when are you going to make up your mind? I don't want my decision to

influence the children. That's why I'm sitting on the fence.

Well, don't sit on the fence too long. It can damage your assertiveness.

Philip! Coming,

Major. Look, I'll tell you what. After Sunday lunch, we'll have a secret

ballast. And unless it comes out completely unanimously in favour of us

we'll forget about the whole thing and I'll never mention it again. Right.

Promise you won't moan if we say no?

Not one word of reproach will pass these lips. Yes, but you've a very effective

line in reproachful silences.

And hang dog looks like the one you're wearing now.

Shut up.

Ah, sorry to keep you waiting.

One thing after the other today.

We were speculating as to why the bishop was phoning you. You mean you were

speculating? The rest of us know it's none of our damn business.

I can't remember where we got to. Well, we're still waiting for your

intercessions, Emma's car rotor and Wilf's gardening column.

I was wondering if there might be room this month for another little notice

about my advice and discussion group.

Oh, my God, that's not still going on, is it? Oh, yes, we decided Celia should

persevere with that.

Does anyone ever turn up?

Well, I drop in occasionally.

Of course, Peter and Miranda were at the first meeting. Anyone else?

No.

But these things take time to build up a following, Major. So Celia sits alone

in the church hall all Sunday afternoon twiddling her thumbs.

Not at all. She brings her knitting.

In fact, I believe you're making the star prize for the Harvest Raffle,

Celia, I believe you're making the star prize for the Harvest Raffle.

Oh, yes. It's an Aaron... Sweater? Oh, well, put me down for a book of tickets

right now.

Have you any idea what it costs to light and heat the church hall all Sunday

afternoon so that Celia can sit there all alone, knitting?

All right, Major, point taken. If you don't mind, Celia, next Sunday, use my

study for your knitting. Meeting.

Sorry.

Any other business? You weren't here last Sunday, were you?

No, no, I was visiting.

Visiting? Yes, I was visiting.

Why do you mention it? They've announced another family fun run.

What? A sponsored run organised by the churches.

Fifteen miles this year?

Fifteen miles, eh? Yes, you'll be running, of course.

Me?

And your family?

Fifteen miles.

Well, you can't expect anyone else in the parish to compete if the vicar's

family doesn't. Major, if I asked my family to run fifteen miles, they'd run

mile.

They probably wouldn't manage that.

Now, any other business regarding the parish magazine?

Can I have another quick word? Oh, really?

Sorry about this.

On the front page, the car rotor may be coming through.

I've got another meeting at nine o 'clock.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. You know, I don't know what the Major did to the enemy,

he frightens the willies out of me.

Why's the phone off the hook? Oh, that's why I called you. It's Pam.

Pam? Pam Bartlett.

Pam Bartlett?

Oh, Pam! Hello, Pam, how are you and that stinker of a husband of yours? He's

left her.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Pam.

Oh, dear, you poor old thing.

Don't say old. It's for a younger woman.

What, dear?

Yes, of course you can come and crash out here, dear.

Yes, we'll drive down as soon as you're... What?

She's filming from the pub in the village. Oh, dear.

Yes, well, come as quickly as you can, Pam.

And we love you too.

Yes.

Here's Emma.

She's in a frightful state.

Dad, can you shove this in your pocket?

Well, what is it? The experiment I've been working on.

Trust me, it's perfectly safe.

Whenever you say that, it either runs down, blows up or leaks. Just put it in

your pocket and forget about it. I've got to go and work on the other bit of

Well, never mind about the other bit. What's this bit going to do? You'll find

out. That remark does not inspire confidence.

Look, I can't wait any longer for that car rotor. I'll call in on my way home.

Yes. Yes, of course. See you soon, then.

Philip, I do hope you can take part in the fun run.

Last year, the Vickers team from St.

Cuthbert's won, and he's in far worse condition than you are.

Major, I'll happily organise the wet sponges and stretchers, but I can't see

family running 15 miles for fun, charity or anything else.

What? No, we've tried jogging, Major. Yes, training with muscle in our bodies.

Eventually, we had to go to the doctor.

First time we've ever ignored doctor's advice.

Why? What did he say?

He said we were far out of condition. We ought to take up jogging.

Then I went upstairs and he was packing.

That's when I caught sight of her photograph.

Young, blonde, smiling.

I used to be blonde.

I used to be young.

How's the name, Pam? If you want to cry, you go right ahead and cry.

What's going on? Go away, Miranda.

Don't worry, I'm going.

Oh, he used to be so happy.

And then last year he was offered this job up in Glasgow.

Well, I didn't want to move all the way up there, so he turned it down.

Bob refused the new job because you didn't want to move.

That's what he said.

What a wonderful husband.

Not really. I think he got cold feet about the job and felt he couldn't do

Ah, well, that's very understandable. You see, some men thrive on challenges,

others don't. Yes, but then he really began to believe it was actually all my

fault.

our situation.

Oh, don't say that, Emma. At least Philip hasn't taken a mistress yet.

No, but I'm working on it.

No, of course I haven't, Emma. You don't know for certain that Bob has either.

A wife knows these things, Philip.

Then he started working late every night with his secretary in the office.

No proof, Pam.

He took a photograph with him when he went. I saw it.

Oh, Philip.

Why are men such pigs?

I don't know, am I? I mean, are we?

You trample over anyone just to get your own way.

I don't think I've done much trampling recently, have I ever? No, but you have

tried to get your own way.

Ah, yes, but only because I believe this move will benefit the family as a

whole. What move?

The bishops offered Philip another parish.

move from here, Philip.

It's paradise.

Oh, good grief, don't you start.

I'll get it.

Don't keep looking at me like that, Pam. We've been discussing this for weeks.

Oh, I'm sorry, Philip. I keep getting it, people.

I feel so alone.

So unloved. You're not unloved, Pam. Far from it. Emma loves you.

I love you.

How do you do?

If you'll excuse me, I haven't got back yet!

Summer, I'm afraid she's going through a bit of a crisis.

Well, so am I, Philip. The country club is right with Roma.

Really? Roma hath it that you're thinking of leaving us.

Am I?

And Roma continueth that you are thinking of accepting an urban parish,

parish you visited last weekend, according to Roma.

Roma's been working overtime, hasn't he? Would you care to deny any of this?

I'd love to, Major. Ah. But I'm not going to. What? Nor will I confirm it.

I will say is that if and when we decide to move, you will be the first to know.

It's working, Dad. Look.

What? The transmitter in your pocket sends a signal. And this tracer picks it

up. Oh, yes. I'd forgotten all about this.

I'm going to tape it to Fred's shell so we'll always be able to find him.

Who the devil's Fred?

Oh, it's Peter's tortoise. Sometimes he wanders off and weeks on end.

Now I'm not so worried.

About what?

Well, now I know we won't have to leave him behind if we move to Edendale.

As I said, Major, you'll be the first to know.

Still going on, then?

I managed to contact Bob at work. Thank heavens for that. I've never known

anyone cry as much as Pat.

Nor me. He's hoping to get down here Sunday afternoon.

Mind you, if the human body really is 60 % water, there won't be much of a left

by then.

So when she goes, I'll take a stirrup pump to her pillow.

Look, when are you going to break the news to her that he's coming?

Well, I'll have to choose my moment, preferably when she's not crying.

I've noticed she usually stops long enough to eat.

Ah, good point. I tell you what. You make a special effort with Sunday lunch,

and you and the kids make yourself scarce. Leave her to me. Right. And we

have a last -minute conference before our secret ballot.

You're not still sitting on the fence, are you? No, no, no, no, Philip. I've

definitely made a decision.

Have you? For or against?

You'll find out on Sunday.

Great.

Where are you going with Fred?

I've got to make a few adjustments to the transmitter.

He's starting to pick up police messages on CB radio.

Well,

that should bring him out of his shell.

Hello.

Hello.

Making coffee?

Yeah.

Kitty, we don't keep a cat. That's not funny, Dad. It's just not funny.

Why are you upset, Miranda?

I've had it with this place. As far as I'm concerned, Dad, you can have my vote

now. The sooner we move, the better.

Really? You haven't had a row with your latest boyfriend, have you? Not just a

row, Mother.

The relationship is nuked.

Over. Finished.

Totally wiped out. Ah, now, Miranda, don't be too hasty. After all, you've

going out with this poor chap for how long? Two weeks.

I thought she met Jason at Christmas.

She did, Philip, but then she dropped him again at Easter.

Jason's ancient history.

There's been Dominic and Tristan since then.

Well, then who have you just had the row with?

Trevor Meredith.

Yuck!

I wish you'd keep me better informed about your love life.

I might have called Trevor Jason.

Call him anything you like. No man is going to make me suffer like poor Pam

upstairs. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist.

He's a non -person, a wallop.

A wallop?

What's a wallop?

Combination of a wally and a wimp.

Well, at least you're sure of one vote in your favour.

Yeah, I wish we'd have been under happier circumstances, Eva.

What's she getting mad about?

She's just split up with Trevor.

Oh, no, don't say that. That's really bad news.

I'm delighted to hear you say that, Peter.

What? It's the first time you've shown any real concern about your sister's

happiness. That's a real sign of real maturity.

It's not that.

Trevor's got the new 16 -bit computer, and he said he'd lend it to me.

I bet she broke it off just so I wouldn't get it.

Miranda! You selfish pig!

I think maturity's a little way off yet, don't you?

Yes. That was superb, Emma. I can't remember the last time I had a

Sunday lunch.

Oh, I feel so good.

You feel good?

Better than I felt in days.

Really? Ah.

On your feet, we'll go for a walk. A walk?

Why do you want to go for a walk?

We've things to discuss.

We know how we vote. There are other things we have to talk about.

Like what?

Like why I want to go for a walk.

Am I correct in thinking that was a diplomatic exit?

Well, more shambolic than diplomatic, Pam, but it does give us a chance to

Now, Pam, I know you asked us not to, but...

We've contacted Bob.

How could you? You've got to talk to each other, Pam. Sometimes silence is

golden. At other times, it's simply guilt.

I'm sorry, Philip. If you're going to ask me to phone him to try and patch

things up... No, I'm definitely not asking you to phone him. That's the one

thing I am not asking you to do.

Because he's arriving here this afternoon.

Well, you can talk to him because I'm not going to be here when he arrives.

Oh, don't leave now, Pam!

I'm very confused, Philip.

Why won't you accept that? You mustn't run away from this, Pam.

You're a stand fight.

couples do.

Hello, Philip.

The Major very kindly drove me over for my discussion group. Oh, discussion

group.

Are you taking part, Major? Certainly not.

Oh, well, you're the only one who's arrived, Celia. So if you'd like to go

the study.

Celia, don't forget your wool. Oh, yes, thank you. Don't forget the old wool.

Thank you.

Philip, I wondered if I might make a large scotch.

I've just had a very nasty turn.

Of course, Major. Follow me.

Oh, by the way, here's an entry form for the family fun run. The organiser will

contact you directly. You don't give up, do you, Major?

Thank you, Philip.

God, I needed this.

And it wasn't just my imagination.

Celia will bear me out on that.

Bear you out on what?

I just arrived at your front door when someone shouted, come on in, Fat Frida.

Fat freedom. I looked down and it was your damn tortoise.

Hello? In the kitchen.

The front door was open.

Oh, thank heavens.

I do hope I haven't brought you here in a wild goose pace. I'm afraid she's

refusing to see you.

What? But I'm happy to tell you that she's been really miserable.

You're happy?

Oh, yes. That's a very favourable sign.

I mean, some wives are only too delighted when their husbands walk out

Oh, I didn't really walk out, although I may have given her that impression.

You see, we haven't been very kind to each other recently.

Well, uh, what about Buncey Bunting? I mean, how kind have you been to her

recently? Oh, that's all in Pan's imagination.

Miss Bunting's happily engaged to a young merchant banker, very rich and

disgustingly healthy head of hair.

Ah, but, uh, whose photograph did she see you packing?

She's as blind as a bat sometimes.

It was an old one of her own, taken before she dyed her hair.

So you took it with you, I suppose, to remind you of what had been, eh?

No, I took it to remind me of the number of a car hire firm I'd written on the

back of it.

But I do want her back for it.

Where is she? Well, she went upstairs to pack about half an hour ago. But look,

Bob, it's not going to be easy. She wants nothing more to do with you. She

absolutely adamant.

Bob! Pam.

Well, fairly adamant.

Oh, it's so good to see you, Bob.

Oh, thank you for bringing me here, Philip.

What made you change your mind?

That wonderful woman in there.

Celia? Yes.

She heard me crying in the hall and was so sympathetic and understanding.

She made me realise how unreasonable I've been.

What an amazing woman. She really knows all about life.

Celia?

Excuse me.

Celia, congratulations.

You've really accomplished something this afternoon.

This is coming along nicely, isn't it?

You really know how to listen to people.

That's what we haven't been doing, Bob.

From now on, I promise, I'm really going to listen to you.

And I'm going to listen to you, apparently.

Ah, super.

Just as long as one of you says something occasionally, otherwise you

anything to listen to.

Excuse me.

Has Bob arrived? Yes. He and Pam have made it up.

Celia's sorted them out.

Celia? Yes.

Apparently she knows all about life.

Come on, we're ready.

For what?

The final vote.

What? On moving to Eatondale. The bishop's ringing at three, isn't he?

grief, there's some five minutes to go.

You're the only one who hasn't voted.

You've all come off the fence?

Yes, Philip.

And? The vote was unanimous.

Really? Yes.

Which way?

For.

For? Yes.

For going or for not going?

For going, of course.

Really? Yes.

Unanimous? Yes.

I mean, all of you?

Yes.

It's a big step, you know.

I mean, life there is not going to be easy. Are you sure you've given this

sufficient thought?

Last chance to change your mind before I tell the bishop. Oh, for heaven's sake.

before you talk us out of it?

The answer's yes, wholeheartedly yes.

Yes, we've taken a family boat, we all want to go.

What? That's right, yes, all four of us.

Ah.

Oh, good.

Well, we'll see you there.

I really must remember to look before I leap.

What do you mean?

That wasn't the bishop.

I've just volunteered us all for the 15 mile family fun.