All language subtitles for All In Good Faith s01e02 No Stone Unturned

Thank you. Good morning, Victor.
Morning.

Wonderful, sir.

Good. Nice to see you. Morning.

I enjoyed sermon, Vicar.

Really? You've been improving lately.

Thank you. You got into a oity -toity
way of saying things.

Now, I'm happy to say you're plain as
muck.

You're not quite so beneficial.

Pain on your face from the other side of
the church.

I swear, if he gets any stronger, I'm
going to wear a boxing glove next time.

Ah, Philip, might I have a word? As long
as you don't shake his hand, Major.

What? Let's chat over coffee, Major.

I'm afraid not.

I've never been able to accept the
swilling of coffee at the back of a

To me, it's a place of worship, not a
blasted wimpy.

It's also a place of fellowship.

Well, if I want fellowship, there's a
perfectly good pub in the village.

It's not open at this hour on a Sunday
morning.

Why don't we just chat after coffee,
Major? After preaching, I'd rather

a cup.

Shall we say 12?

Oh, no, no, just one cup.

Excuse me.

My copy, my study at 12.

Well, if you're ready earlier, you'll
find me with Archie Coulson.

I hope not.

What? We buried him last winter.

Well, he and Archie Coulson were great
friends, but heart -to -hearts of the

graveside isn't really the major style.

Well, I suppose John Wayne used to do
it. Really?

I didn't know John Wayne knew Archie
Coulson. No, no.

In that film, you know, what was it
called?

Hello?

Oh, hello, Albert.

Oh, I'll take that.

Deputise? When?

Please, let me have the phone, Emma. I
haven't heard of this, Albert.

Hang on.

You haven't asked Albert to deputise for
you next Sunday, have you?

What?

Albert says you've asked him to take the
services for you.

Does he? Yes.

For me?

Yes. Really? He's looking totally blank,
Albert.

Did he say why?

I've just remembered.

Hello, Albert.

Thanks for ringing. Could you phone back
about the details? I haven't got my

diary handy.

I have got my diary handy.

Could you... Hold on a minute, Albert.

Have you got a joint in the oven? Yes.

I only ask because I thought I could
smell something burning. Yes, Philip,

called curiosity.

It'll be morning and evening service,
Albert. I don't think we'll be back in

time from Edendale for... I knew it, I
knew it. Well, thanks for the trouble.

you have any more problems, just ring me
back. He doesn't have to ring you back

with problems. You've plenty right here.

I thought we'd agreed to tell the bishop
you didn't want a new parish. No, Emma,

you and the children agreed.

If you go to Edendale, you go alone.
Look, Emma.

Emma, just suppose...

Suppose that God had told me to take up
this challenge. I mean, just suppose

that God had told me to do it.

Has he?

No, not really.

But this sudden urge I have to change
our whole way of life, couldn't that

of be, you know... Orders from the boss.

In a manner of speaking, yes. I mean,
suppose we looked out of that window and

there was a host of angels.

In the vegetable patch.

Yeah, in the vegetable patch. Why not?
In the vegetable patch. And they're all

singing...

Well, you'd go then, wouldn't you? Well,
of course.

Well, of course you would, because he's
pulling out all the stops. But just

suppose he's talking to me quietly.

No angels, no singing, just this still,
small urge.

You see, my job is more than just a
trade or a skill. It's a vocation, and

sometimes sacrifices have to be made.

If I don't get started in the kitchen,
Sunday lunch will be the first of those

sacrifices. Emma.

Is it there, Major?

Oh, thank my dear.

Philip, I've just been looking around
the churchyard.

It's all a bit sad, isn't it?

That's an unavoidable measure. It's full
of dead people.

I'm talking about the state of the
grass.

What sort of mower do you use?

What? Rotary or cylinder?

Well, it goes more like that than that.
Yes, I thought so. Rotary. You never get

a decent cut with those.

None of those lovely green stripes.

Well, I doubt if the occupants are too
worried about it.

Well, I worry about it, especially since
Archie Coulson made me his executor.

I thought it was time we had a chat
about his proposed tombstone.

What's wrong with the stone up there
now?

Oh, that's merely a token effort until
they build the final monolith.

The what?

Monolith.

Monolith? Oh, for goodness sake.

Here's a Polaroid I took of it. Oh,
thanks very much.

Oh, grief.

No wonder they put a fence round
Stonehenge.

Well, it's a bit larger than the norm, I
agree.

But after all, that only befits a man
who left so generous a bequest to the

parish. The exact specifications are
four foot three wide by six

foot four high.

Six foot four?

But that's about so high.

Well, the average headstone is only so
high.

Well, what about it?

Well, there's everyone else down there,
and Archie Coulson right up there.

Rather too much of the David and
Goliaths, wouldn't you say?

Well, I dare say, but then in life,
Archie did stand head and shoulders

the common herd.

Yes, but lying down is the same height
as everyone else.

Now, you're not going to be difficult
about this, are you, Philip? It's not a

question of being difficult, but the
diocese lays down strict regulations

governing the size of headstones.

Regulations don't come into it. A
parishioner has died and expressed a

be buried in the churchyard.

With a marble replica of the UN building
dumped on top of it.

Philip, as executor, I must warn you,
unless that tombstone is erected, the

money goes to the tennis club.

Well, they won't let him erect it there,
either. He'll get them with the ball.

Don't be flippant, Philip.

We're talking about £20 ,000.

That's enough to patch up your roof and
to furnish that new font you're always

asking for. Well, I'm sorry. Damn it,
Philip, you're putting me in an

position. As vicar's warden, I want that
money for the church, but as archer's

executor, I can't give it unless that
stone in its entirety is erected in the

churchyard. You wouldn't settle for 10
,000 and half a stone?

It's all or nothing, Philip.

And as for regulations, well, you know
perfectly well that a special

dispensation can be obtained from the
diocese. Well, I make inquiries, Major,

but I honestly think it's no go.

Well, just remember, Philip, no go, no
dough.

What did he say?

That's what I thought he said.

If people would only listen to what
people are saying.

I didn't find anything like that. Not on
your side of the apple crumble,

perhaps.

I said it looks like 2001.

What, the carpet cleaner?

No, the film. What film?

More boring science fiction.

This great big stone arrives from outer
space and suddenly the cavemen are

zooming around in rocket ships.

Well, they'll never get off the ground
in this.

It's an absolute monster.

Well, the mayor said old Coulson
designed it himself.

That's a bit creepy, isn't it? When I
go, I don't care what you put on top of

me. Well, I hope I won't be around to
put anything on top of you.

I want to be cremated.

Just eat your apple crumble.

Talking of cremation, I've got the burnt
bit.

Sorry.

Here.

What did this widow say?

What? Mrs. Coulson. What does she feel
about the stone?

Oh, she'll obviously want the stone her
husband designed.

Have you talked to her about it?

Well, no, but... Go and talk to her,
then.

What about? Go find out for yourself
before jumping to conclusions.

Ah! What's the matter? Did you hear her?
Did you hear your mother? What about

it? Find out for yourself before jumping
to conclusions. That's what you said,

isn't it?

I've a nasty feeling I know what's
coming. All I've ever asked, Emma, is

you do the same about Edendale. Oh, no,
not again.

Now, shut up. Is it a crucial moment in
the argument? It's always crucial.

You shut up as well.

You've done nothing but jump to
conclusions about Edendale from the

You've convinced yourself it's a squalid
rat hole. It is a squalid rat hole.

Everyone says so. Well, come with me on
Sunday and prove it to yourself. I mean,

if you don't turn up with me, what are
they going to think?

They'll think I don't fancy moving them.
They'll be right.

Mum says I don't want to leave the
vicarage and neither do we.

I don't mind that much. Shut up and eat
your apple crumble.

I can't do both unless I shove it up my
nose. You see, you lot seem to forget

what this vicarage is like in the
winter.

It's sheer unadulterated hell.

lugging palatine stoves from room to
room, belting up to the attic every time

rains to rearrange the buckets.

I mean, can you honestly face another
winter like that? No.

But then we won't have to.

What? You've conveniently forgotten that
the diocese has promised to fix the

roof and fit central heating in the
autumn.

Ah. We even had a little man round last
month to measure up. Remember?

Yes, I suppose I do, now you mention it.
But that doesn't alter my basic

argument. All I'm asking you is to visit
the place. But, Philip, what's the

point? The point?

The point is, the bishop has offered me
this parish and something inside me...

Your urd? I don't know if it's an urd,
the voice of God, or indigestion, but I

can't ignore it.

If I did, I'd lose all respect for
myself.

Frankly, the way I've been feeling the
last few months, there's not much left

lose.

Hello. Oh, Philip, I'm sorry to disturb
you. I've just run into Pulteney, the

stonemasons. They can start erecting
Archer's memorial on Thursday afternoon.

Can you get the dispensation by then?

I shouldn't think so for a moment.

Well, let's put it up and worry about
the red tape afterwards.

We'll do no such thing.

I'm not countermanding my orders,
Philip.

That stone goes up on Thursday
afternoon.

Over my dead body, Major.

No, Philip, over Archer's.

I've just had a deeply depressing
experience.

What? I was listening to Top of the Form
on the car radio. I didn't get a single

question right.

What's all that?

Oh, jigsaws for the church jumble from
Archie Coulson's widow.

He was out most evenings at his various
clubs, so she used to do them for

company. How's she bearing up?

Well, quite frankly, I'm not altogether
sure. She's noticed he's gone.

How do you mean?

Well, she's going on a world cruise, and
then if I read the signals correctly,

she's planning to come home and settle
down with her gardener.

Anyway, she's quite happy about any
decision we come to about Archie's

headstone. Oh, talking of decisions,
have we any say which heating system the

diocese installs? Why? Well, an article
here says that certain systems can cause

problems. For example, in extreme cases,
your furniture dries up and falls

apart.

Well, that would worry our furniture. It
fell apart years ago.

Are the kids back from school yet? I
think they're in their rooms.

Ah, ah.

Oh, I'm expecting the stonemason. Could
you give me a shout when you arrive?

These don't all belong to Mrs. Coulson,
do they?

Well, why shouldn't they?

Oh.

They're probably the gardeners.

Peter? What?

Oh, no!

No, why do you have to walk in like
that, Dad?

Well, I knocked on the door, but you
didn't answer.

Another five points, and I've become
intergalactic slime blaster, first

All I did was put the light on.

It was enough to have my last
stratobacume mega -slimed. Now I've got

from zero again.

Oh, well, I'm, uh... I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to, uh...

interfere with your struggle to keep the
universe free of, uh, mega -slime.

I just, uh, I just came up here because
I wanted to explain why I'm thinking of

making a change.

Now, you of all people should
understand.

Why? Well, because I regard this new
parish the way you feel about computers.

Now, for example, Miranda can't fathom
what you see in them. She thinks I'm a

Wally.

Well, she probably thinks I'm one, too.

She's the Wally, Dad, hanging around
with all those Wally boyfriends.

Ah, now, that's just the point I'm
trying to make, you see. You see, she

see the attraction of computers, and you
can't see the attraction of boys.

Not that you'll ever see the attraction
of boys. I mean, at least I hope you

won't.

She doesn't understand that computers
are the future.

And I feel this new parish is my future,
OK?

OK, Dad.

OK.

Oh, back to the war against mega -slime,
eh?

Stratovac a few for me, won't you?

She did not.

I bet she didn't.

Miranda. What?

Can I have a quick word?

Is it a long quick word or a short quick
word?

A couple of minutes, that's all.

I'll ring you back.

Can you ring me back? With my dad.

I know.

OK. See you.

Yeah? Well, I just wanted to explain why
I'm so keen for your mother to come

with me to the new parish on Sunday. Go
on, then. Well, I...

Look, suppose someone offered you an
exciting new make -up.

Now, you don't know if it's going to
suit you until you try it on. But

your mother forbade you even to try it
on just once.

But she does.

What? All the time. So do you.

Do I?

Yes, well, I may have done in the past,
but now, now I think it's a very

blinkered attitude.

You think people should try things out
before saying no.

Exactly. Ah, well, no, not everything.

But in certain cases, yes.

Fantastic, Dad.

Karen just had her hair done like this.
And she said to give me the stuff to do

mine just like it. But Mum won't let me
try it even once.

And if it doesn't suit me, it just
washes out again.

Oh.

Isn't it a little bit, um, violent?

We can't tell that till it's on. So can
I go ahead with it?

It looks absolutely frightful.

You're the one that said we should try
things out before saying no.

Please, Dad.

Philip! Mr. Poulton is here!

You really want to look like this?

Go on, Dad, please.

Oh, all right.

But no ring through your nose.

Please.

Mr. Pulte, thanks so much for dropping
in. It's in my interest as much as

sir. When I hear that our work is not
appreciated, I like to know why.

Your work is splendid, Mr. Pope. It's
just that in this case, there's too much

of it.

Compared to some of our past creations,
sir, that stone is a mere pebble. That

may be so, but you see, fashions change,
even in graveyards. When I first

started out as an apprentice, we were
still influenced by the great Victorian

era, when memorials stood taller than
the men they commemorated.

In those days, Mr. Lamb, people knew how
to die.

In style.

Now, it's our skill that's dying.

There's no call for it. But there is,
Mr. Pulteney. In fact, we may have a

commission for you very soon. We need a
new font, but funds for that will only

be available if we find a solution to
our problem. You mean the stone being

feet over the forefoot limit? Exactly.
Now, I was wondering if you could

possibly erect the stone with the two
extra feet below ground.

What? Bury it upside down?

No, no, no, no, no. The bottom two feet.
You see, in order to qualify for the

legacy, the whole stone has to be
erected. But, Mr Lamb, that stone's been

designed to take both the name of Mr
Coulson and his spouse.

So, where does she go?

I'm not sure she's ready to go at all
yet.

Space has been left under the name of Mr
Coulson for that of his wife.

But if you bury the stone two feet
under, bang goes her space, doesn't it?

I suppose it does, really.

Besides, isn't it enough to bury Mr.
Coulson without burying his stone as

It's made of the finest Italian marble.

Is it? In fact, that stone's perfect for
making your font.

A six -foot font?

I don't think so, Mr. Peltney. I need a
ladder to baptize the baby.

Are you responsible for this, Philip?

I keep telling you it washes out. It did
better.

What's this?

Mr. Colson Stone.

The devil it is.

Well, you see, Major, the vicar and I
had a little discussion.

Did you indeed?

Well, the vicar and I will have another
little discussion.

Oh, hello. Is that the Compton Hotel,
Edendale?

Oh, good. Have you got a room available
for Saturday night?

Thanks a lot.

Who says she didn't say Miranda could do
that with her hair?

Has it come out? Just about.

Did she like the effect?

Not particularly.

All right, so she tried it, didn't like
it, and it'll never be mentioned again.

Why not give Edendale the same chance?

You gaming toad. I go to attend the
morning service incognito, so I thought

drive down on the Saturday and stay
overnight.

Oh, good.

A single or double? Hold on a minute.

What do you say, Emma?

If I don't come with you, you'll give it
a glowing report and I'll never know

for sure how horrible it really is.

But don't expect me to be pleasant with
everyone.

Just be your lovely, surly self.

Hello. Yeah, double room with bath in
the name of Lamb. Yeah, Mr and Mrs Lamb.

I, um, don't suppose the bridal suite's
available? Billy!

No, just joking. That's fine. A double
room will be fine.

Thanks a lot.

Bye.

Bridal. Well, I thought we could treat
it as a second honeymoon. In Edendale?

No, thank you.

Well, I thought it might make up for the
disappointment.

What, of the first honeymoon?

Certainly not.

This letter came from the diocese.

The central heating man was actually a
structural engineer doing a survey on

house. That's his report.

They're going to pull it down.

Or auction it off.

But they can't. They're going to build a
smaller vicarage, but it won't be ready

till the spring, so it means another
winter of discontent and woolly vests.

Unless, of course, we move to Edendale.
I mean, the vicarage there isn't a patch

on this one, but it does have central
heating and the roof definitely does not

leak. Oh, Philip, how can they bear to
destroy this lovely old place?

Apparently that kind of desecration
comes easily to members of the clergy.

afternoon, Major. I have just come from
the churchyard where I encountered

Pulteney erecting a...

stump, a truncated thing.

You mean Mr. Coulson's gravestone?
Rather, what's left of it. Oh, Philip,

could you deliberately to deprive the
parish of £20 ,000?

I've deprived them of nothing. In fact,
I've commissioned a font for Mr.

Pulteney, and all we have to pay for is
the labour.

Not with Archie's money, you won't. You
can't withhold the bequest, not now.

Philip has failed to carry out the terms
of the will.

No, I haven't. The stone will be erected
in its entirety within the confines of

the churchyard.

What do you mean?

Hopefully he's worked the whole thing
out. Here you are. These are his

instructions.

He's taken a bit off the top and a bit
off the sides, so with careful juggling

he can use the offcuts to make the new
font.

He's agreed to save every chip he knocks
off so we can concrete them all

together and make a doorstop for the
entrance to the best place.

Which, of course, like the font, is
inside the church, which, along with the

rest of the stone, is clearly inside the
churchyard.

I see.

And what does his widow say to this
hacking of her husband's stone to

Well, actually, it was she who gave me
the idea.

What do you mean?

She does jigsaws. What?

But apart from that, she's all for it.

Well, all right, Philip, but I'm not
happy about it.

It was Archie's wish to rest in peace,
not in pieces.

I'm sorry about this old place. I know
how much you love it.

Can't we save it? It's just too big,
Emma.

Mm -hmm.

Like Archie Cole from Tombstone.

I'm sorry the major didn't like our
solution.

So at least the widow's happy.

Is she?

Absolutely. She thinks it's very fitting
her husband should supply the new font.

Why's that?

He used to work for the waterboard.

Yeah.