Original subtitles

Mr. Shifter, Mr.

Shifter, the money will be with you in 60 days, I swear it. Gloria, will you

Christ's sake answer that?

60 days, I promise, I swear on my mother's life, Mr. Shifter. Yes, well,

know how record companies are about paying up.

Gloria, will you hang on just a second, Mr. Shifter?

Gloria, if that's the Broadway Collection Agency, I've gone to

Motherload Music, good morning.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Silverstein.

Arnold, it's your mother.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Silverstein. He has just stepped out.

Excuse me, ma 'am. Is this Mr.

Silverstein's office?

I know he'll be sorry he missed you. Mr.

Silverstein's not here. Why don't you try two floors down there in the hall?

But this is the basement.

Oh, no, Mr.

Silverstein. It sounds like him, but it's just a bill collector.

Why don't you try the barbershop?

Why don't you try Philadelphia?

I'll have him call the minute he gets that, Mr.

Silverstein.

Hello, Mr. Shipley?

I got a song for you that's gonna sell a million records.

Wait till you hear this.

Why are you so mean, Barbara Jenny?

I see you each night on the TV screen.

You're my queen, you're clean, you're just 17.

Of course, it needs a bit of work on it, but... Hello?

Hello?

I hate lying to your mother.

That's just because you don't know her, Gloria.

Tell me, do you know if this is going to be a hit?

Why are you so mean?

Barbara's hurting me.

You want to know what I think?

You want to know what I think, Mr. Silverstein?

Yeah? I think it stinks.

Yeah?

Say, Gloria, how's about you and me do dinner tonight?

Mr. Silverstein, we've been over this a hundred times.

No.

the problem here, Gloria?

I'm a nice guy.

Fairly good looking. I pay your good salary.

You're a very attractive woman.

Free and unattached, as far as I know.

Excuse me, Mr.

Silverstein. I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I have a song I'd like to talk to

you about.

Terrific.

Why don't you leave it on the reception desk there with your name and your phone

number? Mr. Silverstein will call.

As soon as he gets back from Philadelphia.

Oh, gee, Mr.

Silverstein, won't you let me play my song for you?

Uh, not the honey, but, uh, I'm real busy right now. Excuse me, I'm going to

ladies' room.

Why don't we just have a telephone installed in there?

I'm sorry, Miss, um, I'm sure your song's absolutely terrific, but we

Oh, no, no, no, you're wrong there.

Actually, it's terrible.

I'd go so far as to say it's one of the worst songs ever written.

Pardon? Look for yourself.

Are these really the words?

I wrote it some time ago.

But you see, the thing is, even though it is awful, people are going to go

for this song.

You really think so?

Oh, absolutely.

It's irresistible.

Let me play it for you.

Not the best pianist in the world, but bear with me.

The Demonella of Foxtrot.

You're looking for romance, so take a chance. The Demonella.

It puts those dancing ants back in your pants. The Demonella.

When they begin that devilish tune, you simply have to dance.

You can't resist, and very soon it's got you in a trance. Your legs will ache,

but you can't take a break. The Demonella is sure to do you harm, but

charm, the Demonella.

So when you hear that tap, tap, tap, beware the silly song.

It's gonna wreck your life, forget your kids, your wife, and Demonella all night

long.

You like to ache, but you can't take a break, the Demonella.

It's sure to do you harm, but that's its charm, the Demonella.

So when you hear that, stop, stop, stop.

Beware, still we saw.

It's gonna wreck your life, but yet you can't show off, the Demonella, all night

long. The Demonella.

heard.

I told you it was bad.

Catchy, though, isn't it?

Look, miss, I don't believe I caught your name.

Arnold, this song is going to make you rich and famous.

One day, a month or so from now, you're going to be driving down Broadway in a

brand new Mercedes.

You're going to hear that song coming from every store, every radio, every car

that you pass.

People are going to point at you and they'll say, you see that guy in the

Giorgio Armani suit?

That's Arnold Silverstein, the man who published Di Monella. Who are you?

Hello?

No, Mother, I cannot talk to you now.

Who are you?

Actually, I'm the devil.

The devil? What, is that the name of your group?

That's cute. Phone company would be pissed as hell.

What do you say, Mr.

Silverstein? You want to publish my song?

It'll change your life and get you pretty nearly everything you ever

How much do you want for it?

I don't need any money. I mean, that's all for you.

I'm not a professional songwriter, Arnold. I mean, I just knocked this one

for fun in my spare time.

But if it makes you rich and famous, then maybe you'll do me a little favor

sometime.

Sure. Anything you like. Name it.

Then it's a deal.

From now on, you and I are partners.

Yeah, well, I'll just have Gloria bring in a standard contract. Oh, no, no, no,

that won't be necessary. I trust you, Arnold. And I've got to run. I've got to

get to the stocking shop before they close.

You do your grocery shopping in the city?

You can't get anything fresh in hell.

By the time it gets to us, it's all gone bad.

Let's step in here for a moment.

Looking forward to receiving your $17 million by Thursday.

Yours sincerely, et cetera, et cetera.

How about it, Gloria?

We're going to have dinner tonight?

Listen, Mr. Silverstein, how many times do I have to tell you? I do not believe

in fraternization between employee individuals and representatives of the

management. I'm not talking about a hot weekend in Hawaii here, Gloria.

All I want to do is take you to a restaurant and slip a little food inside

Listen, Arnold, I didn't want to have to say this, but frankly, I do not find

you attractive.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

I'm going to the ladies' room.

Damn it all.

I hope I'm not intruding.

Uh, no, please.

Sit down. Make yourself at home. You don't look very happy, Arnold. What's

problem? Is the song not telling?

I've never been happier in my life. Look at this place.

It's like a palace.

Your record's gone platinum 500 times. Oh, isn't that nice?

Then I suppose you won't mind. You remember that favor I mentioned?

Yeah? What do you want, my soul?

Please, help yourself.

Take it.

It's no good to me.

The only person in the world I can't live without won't give me a tumble. I

might as well be dead.

I thought being rich and famous.

You said I could have anything I wanted. Nearly anything.

I'm sorry you're so unhappy, Arnold, but there are some things that even the

devil can't deliver.

And cheer up, it's not your soul I'm after.

Not my soul?

What do you want, my watch?

My pencil sharpener?

My kidneys?

Your mother's recipe for chicken soup. My mother's recipe for chicken soup.

What? Look, every Friday night I have a little dinner party down at my place. If

nothing elaborate, just a few close friends.

Now, a certain French woman who I'm obliged for social reasons to put up

has been very critical of the food I've been serving.

Always the same old thing.

Everything is always so boring.

Recently, a father joined us.

Dad's in hell?

Arnold, he was a dentist.

Since he dropped in, the only thing he talks about, the only thing he misses is

your mother's chicken soup.

He says it's fabulous and that only your mother knows the secret ingredient.

Now, if I could serve that at one of my dinner parties, it would cause a

sensation. It's a very good soup.

The only trouble is you have to go to my mother's to get it.

Get me that recipe.

And that'll make us even?

Absolutely. My mother's recipe for chicken soup.

You don't think there'll be any problem with your mother, do you? My mother?

I know how to handle that one.

Never, never, never, never, never.

Under no circumstances whatsoever.

Mother, it's only a recipe. What's the big deal?

This chicken soup is a family heirloom handed down from mother to daughter for

generations from time immemorial.

My mother promised my grandmother, I promised my mother, that I would never

reveal the secret of that recipe to anyone ever.

You could torture me, I wouldn't tell you. Mother, you don't understand.

I made a promise.

These people have made me rich. If I go back on my word, who knows what they're

going to do to me.

Nice. People you hang around with.

A bunch of old... Don't you care what happens to me?

Eat your soup.

I'm not hungry.

I don't even like chicken soup.

Arnold, it's getting cold.

Darling.

You know the only thing I want in the whole world is your complete happiness?

But I see you making yourself miserable, hanging around with a bunch of crooks

and thugs, chasing after that tramp, Gloria. She's nothing but a gold digger,

Arnold. Mother, I would cut off both my arms at the elbow for one half hour in a

motel with Gloria.

She's just not interested.

Honey, she plays you like a violin.

Mother darling, this is a matter of life and death.

My life and my death. As I see it.

The best thing for you to do would be to come back home and live here with me in

your old room.

Stop chasing around with criminals and whores.

Mother, are you going to give me the recipe or not?

Not.

There's an atomic bomb in your lady's lingerie department, and you've got

minutes before it goes off.

Could you just hold on a second? There's someone at the door.

Oh, I've obviously got the wrong apartment.

No, you've got the right place.

Just a second.

I wasn't expecting you this morning.

Oh, well, I kind of thought you would... Did you get your mother's recipe?

Well, no.

I haven't contacted her. She's in Florida, something like that.

But I thought it would be a great idea if I was to give you my own recipe for

tuna casserole.

It's terrific.

I take a can of Campbell's Korean mushroom soup.

Tuna casserole!

Oh, God.

I wouldn't give it to you. Is that it?

That's it.

Come on, Arnold.

You and I are going to have a little talk with your mother.

So what exactly do you intend to do to him? This cake is delicious, Mother.

You know those mangy little dogs you see roaming the street?

The ones with the sores and the running eyes.

The ones you see eating out of garbage pails and being picked up by the dog

catcher and used in medical experiments.

Something like that.

Well, it's no worse than the way he's treated me.

Look at this place.

All alone, I live here. Does he ever call me? Does he ever come and visit me?

Only when he wants something.

You know, Mother, Gloria and I have been talking of moving to Los Angeles after

we're married.

She thinks we should have an unlisted phone number.

What are you talking about?

Gloria thinks that after a certain age, a man shouldn't see his mother anymore.

Ever. You get the picture, Mother?

Are we making ourselves clear?

All right, okay, you win. You got me where you want me. It's only a recipe,

after all.

You should forgive me, Mama.

You take a chicken.

You put it in a pot with some water.

An onion, carrot, maybe a piece of celery.

Boil it for a couple hours.

Add maybe a little salt and pepper.

Basically, that's it.

Well, that didn't hurt, did it?

Thank you for the recipe. I'm sure it'll be a great success.

And when you see my Irving, give him my love and ask him where he put the

insurance policy.

Well, this has been lovely, but I was due at the White House five minutes ago,

so if you'll excuse me.

You've got to hand it to that one.

She's a real go -getter.

Now that's the sort of girl I'd like to see you with.

Mr. Silverstein, have you met my friends?

Genghis Khan, Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler, Sid Vicious.

Everybody, this is Irving Silverstein, Arnold's father.

Pleased to meet you.

My son published her song.

Lousy piece of crap.

Do you want to hear my cover version?

Oh, sorry, darling.

Irving Silverstein Marie Antoinette, Queen of France.

Irving was a dentist, Marie.

Really?

I might take it all the time.

Oh, really? Well, let me take a look.

Uh -oh.

Looks like you've been eating too much candy, Marie.

Right, our first course for this evening is a special chicken soup.

Genghis. Oh, dear.

It's not going to be another one of those evenings, is it?

Genghis, don't tease Adolf. You know how he gets.

I didn't do nothing.

I won't.

Right, our first course for this evening is a very special chicken soup.

Oh, boy, are you going to taste something terrific?

Nobody in the world could make a chicken soup like my Sadie.

Oi,

Oscar. I really like your gear, man.

Thank you, Mr. Vicious.

Your good taste in clothes is exceeded only by my own in everything else.

It's all fruit.

You know, I was just saying the other day to Mr. Hines, what we need in her is

new soup.

Well, once you've tasted this one, you won't want to eat anything else.

This is not my shady soup.

Tastes somehow of... I don't vomit.

No, no, no.

More like cat piss.

Cat piss.

What do you mean by cat piss? I pay through the nose for this recipe.

I like it.

It's me, Mother. It's your son, Arnold.

Arnold?

Do you know what time it is?

It's three o 'clock in the morning. This is no time of the night to go visiting.

Look at me, Mother.

I'm a dog, and it's your fault.

You lied about your recipe.

You made the devil very angry, and she's taking it all out on me.

Arnold, have you been drinking?

Please, Mother.

Tell me what is the secret ingredient in your chicken soup.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a dog.

Oh, I don't know.

It could be worse.

I can take you for walks, brush your fur, buy you one of those little studded

collars, your own bowl.

Listen, Mother, there's a man downstairs in the truck.

He's waiting to take me to the pond and put me to sleep.

Please help me, Mother.

You're the only one who can save me.

Maybe you'd be better off.

Look at me.

I'm all alone in the world. My arthritis is killing me.

And just look at this wig.

Mother, unless you help me, in an hour from now, I'm going to be dead.

You're so selfish, Arnold. Always thinking of your own problems.

A mother alone in the world is worse than dead.

All right, Mother, you win.

If you tell me the secret ingredient...

I'll move back here into my old room. What else?

I'll fire Gloria, and I promise I'll never see her again.

It'll be just you and me from now on.

You promise that?

I swear it, Mother.

What's the secret ingredient?

Just before you serve the chicken soup, you throw in a cup and a half of gin.

Gin? That's all there is to it, is gin?

You are not Arnold.

You tricked me.

I'm afraid I did.

Now, listen here, young lady. It's not nice to play tricks on an old woman.

You owe me.

Okay. Tell you what. I'll give you one wish, Mrs. Silverstein. Anything you

want. What do you want?

The only thing in the world I want is Arnold's complete happiness.

You got it.

Well?

Delicious. Perfect.

Now this is my seedy soup.

It tastes even nicer with some honey water in a glass on the rocks.

Tastes the same as last time.

Any more?

Yes, well, that's all right, I suppose.

But where are the matzo balls?

Complain? Oh, Gloria.

I can't believe how much you've changed.

So loving, so giving, so passionate.

When I think of how cold and indifferent you used to be.

Oh, I'd give you the sun and the moon if you wanted it, Gloria.

All I want in the world is your complete happiness, Arnold, darling.