Original subtitles

A couple of pistachio nuts and some lovely carrots there. Just put them in

throat and you really can tell the difference when it's cooked. And don't

forget, very important, a lovely glass. Mmm, really, mmm.

A drop of wine here, an Australian dry white, I do believe. Now, a lot of

are very snobbish about Australian wines, but I think, considering what you

you really do get good value for money.

OK,

now then, you take the pistachio nuts, you lay them on the fish tails like so,

and if you like pistachios...

And, of course, the more the merrier.

Exactly the same with the diced carrots.

Don't forget, it's very good for your skin and bones. Calcium, plenty there,

personally.

I do like my carrots. There you go, the dish is ready.

Never forget, take the wine.

Never be too embarrassed.

Drink.

Whilst you're cooking.

Well, you're not just a great detective, you're actually a very talented cook as

well. You're not married, are you?

I consider the kitchen my wife.

P .C., you'd make someone a wonderful husband. Well, I could never do that. I

really don't think that I could give a woman the time and the space she needs

develop as a human being, to find herself.

I personally don't feel that a woman should feel trapped.

If only there were more enlightened men in the world like you.

Enjoy.

Cut it.

Okay, thanks, everybody.

Check it, and if that's clear, it's a wrap.

Sonia, Sonia, I know, I know, deal, I'll deal it, I'll deal it, I know.

Sonia! Roger and I are absolutely thrilled. I mean, it's everything we

and more.

We've got two recipes and one murder per show.

14 episodes, 28 recipes. Do you not feel it's in danger of getting a bit

tasteless? Well, we have to be very careful. I mean, anything to do with

and music is absolutely out of the air. I mean, we've written and recorded the

entire score.

It comes at the last minute once and for all. It's very, very important.

You tell me he's a great detective, but he's a new age detective.

A new age detective?

Is that really you?

A what detective?

Your image is a gourmet detective.

The new age man who cares about women's issues.

I care about women's knickers.

What are you wearing?

That's very presumptuous of you.

How do you know I wear them?

Here.

Get in the toilet and chop it up. I'll be there in a minute.

It went really well. You did a brilliant job.

You know, someone's going to have to have a talk with him.

It'd be a shame to have to kill him off just as the ratings are going up.

We

shouldn't

leave together.

We're not leaving.

I'll go out and get a bonus. Bring it back here. I like it in there.

Hi, Corniche.

Hey, guess what? I've just been talking to a French producer and he wants to do

a series in Paris.

Isn't that great?

Corniche?

Murder! Murder!

Someone's killed a government detective!

I'm a copper who takes his time.

I live in a world of villains and crime.

I look all around me, and I think it's shopping.

Then I park my car.

It's got central locking.

He's the copper who takes his time.

His name is out.

It's a bleeding crime.

He ain't locked up.

It's merchant boots.

He wears expensive Armani suits.

You saw my car.

I'm lately stale.

I'm David Planker, and I don't smile.

I'm meaning I'm moody, but I really do care.

He thinks he's moody. And I'm firm but fair.

He's David Planker, and it's no surprise.

He won't have people telling him lies.

With lots of horses and loads of signs, we interview him, and he

says... He's lying.

A gourmet detective.

Sad.

This is the second TV detective to be killed in the last six months, Spranker.

And so far, you haven't come up with anything.

So what have you got to say for yourself?

I remember when there were ships on the town.

Look, Spranker.

Little kids without shoes.

Big ships.

Spanker, I've had about enough of your northern nostalgia.

With funnels on them.

Ronnie!

Sir! Ah, Ronnie.

You got those forensic reports yet on that material we found?

Um, the Peter material appears to be cheesecloth.

Cheesecloth? Yes, sir. Not like in the 70s, cheesecloth. Yes, sir. Good.

Alas, we're getting somewhere.

What about the footprint we found outside the toilet?

We made a cast of it and, uh...

Well, we reckon it's a man's boot, sir.

Something like this.

What is it?

It's a 70s -style stack -y old platform boot.

It's the sort of boot my uncle would have worn at the disco after a hard

graft at the shipyard.

A 70s -style dress suggests a 70s crime.

We need to get the old hands in.

We need to get the stars of the 70s.

What, driving fast cars and shouting a lot? All that macho shite. Well, all

long pauses haven't got me anywhere.

I've got a platform boot killer out there in a cheesecloth shirt who doesn't

like TV detectives.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe you're not.

Who we got?

Old Sharon George from the weenie, sir.

Get him.

Who else?

Bonehead and foil.

Sir. The bullshitters.

Yeah, bullshitters.

Bring him in.

Sir.

Bonehead and foil. The bullshitters.

What's your problem, Grandad?

You're my problem!

Listen! Modern coppers don't abandon their cars anymore!

They park them in the spaces provided!

They get out, central lock them, and be owned by decent citizens who would

understand the public!

What's he talking about, Foyle? I don't know.

Ah, bonehead. Foyle, glad you could make it.

You've heard the sad news about the gourmet detective?

Yeah, sounds like he got his just desserts.

Nice line.

Sounded like a good show, though.

Lots of great vegetarian dishes.

I thought it was a bit gimmicky myself.

Who's the hippie?

Ah, yes, this is Detective Inspector Dave Spanker.

He's a 90s -style detective.

Ronnie, where's Shouting George from the weenie? On his way in, sir.

You met Bonehead and Foil?

Our paths have crossed, Gov. Look, let's get one thing straight.

Nobody calls me Gov. Why not?

Because it's old -fashioned.

Who's this squatter? Friend of yours?

Detective Inspector David Spanker. Shut up!

Listen, gov, I'm a ten -gov -a -day copper, always have been, always will

you want me to work on this case, I'm going to be calling you gov all day

It's all I know and it's all you need to know.

Gov! If he's calling you gov, I'm calling you gov too.

Yeah, me.

Not all coppers are Londoners, you know. Shut up!

It's before our time. Our heels were an inch lower.

Yes, it was very early 70s, sir.

Even before my time.

71, 72.

71, 72.

Who was there who was around at that time? There is a man, sir.

Not my cup of tea. 71, 72, that was his manner. His name is Jason Bentley.

Jason Bentley.

Lace cuffs.

Velvet flares.

Moustache collier.

Yes, Jason Bentley, Department Z.

It's a big camp, isn't it, sir?

Who cares, George? Just find him and listen, George.

I want Jason in charge of this. You do it his way. It's his manner, it's his

period, you understand? But that means no guns, no shouting and no fast cars.

You do it his way.

Minicab for the bullshitters.

Minicab? Sod it.

I want my car back.

No cars, no gobs.

I'm not having this.

Well, at least we're back.

I've never been a whiff.

I don't like him. You know that. He's got dandruff. You know that, mate.

got dandruff.

Are you listening, Derek?

Twelve dozen loons.

A gross of kippah ties.

I'm pretty sure.

Let's go.

Where are we at? Three foot pavement.

Let's cross it.

I'm there. And me.

I'll take the flares. I'll take the loons. Cover me. Shut it!

Flares are us.

Sad southern bastards.

Oh.

And what can I fit you gentlemen up with?

If there's any fitting up to be done, we'll do it. Nice line, George.

Thank you. Ah, yes.

I know who you are.

You're the ones who took over from me when Crushed Velvet became passé. Which

why we've come to see you.

Ah. It's a 70s -style crime that needs a 70s -style investigation.

Which apparently means not driving like a maniac, shouting, freeze!

Yeah, and instead of staring out in the wind all the time, I thought he was

doing it again.

I mean, what's he looking at?

You do it your way, and I'll do it my way.

There's only one way we're doing this, and that's his way!

Which is?

Well, it's very simple.

I usually drive the Bentley to a large country house belonging to some mad,

colonel.

whereupon I drink a bottle of claret, smoke 50 cigarettes, and have everyone

arrested.

Is that it?

Occasionally, some naughty men walk by in silver spacesuits.

You're f***ing mad.

Let's go.

Cover me!

I've just remembered, no guns on this one.

Come across with the shooters, otherwise I'm off the plot and you're out of the

parade. Can't we just shoot the bullets?

Bag them!

Told me you can play with them. Shut it!

Apparently there's a new law coming out forbidding one to drink and drive.

I think if that happens, I shall give up touring forever.

What are you doing?

Just trying to get some air.

Yeah, well, we know smoke's not bothering us.

Haven't you ever heard of passive smoke?

Shut up!

Ah, this looks promising.

There should be a country house coming up, right?

Ah, here it is.

Nice to see so many berries on the whole of this one.

Ah, yes.

Berries, yes, yes.

Cover the manor! Cover the manor!

Put another log on the fire, dear boy.

Do it.

Feel free to search the grounds. I have nothing to hide, you know.

Indeedy -deedy.

Do tell me, don't you have a 19 -year -old daughter with a miniskirt and too

much make -up?

Yes, I do.

I thought so.

But she lives in Kenya with an African prince.

Any other questions?

Yeah.

What are we doing here?

Yeah.

Shut it!

What do we do now?

Waiting for a mini -moke to turn up.

Mini skirt.

Mini mouse.

Mini... Mini pencil... No, hang on. Mini soda.

That's a good one.

Mini cab.

He had to do with one of those to get me out of this shit.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. What's that?

That doesn't begin with mini.

You do it your way, and I'll do it my way. Listen, I've had just about enough

you, you lanky -head, eeny -meeny -miney -moe -moron -mug. Shut up! Don't tell

my mate to shut up. You want to make something of that?

Yeah, come on. Right!

What the hell do you think you're doing? I've got the

top five TV detectives from the last 20 years, and never mind find the killer,

you haven't even got a clue.

Well, you told us to do it his way, and his way doesn't work.

I was merely eliminating some early 70s suspects.

All you eliminated was five bottles of claret.

Why, didn't you do it my way?

Shut up!

That's enough!

Now, don't you know how serious this is?

Because of the gourmet detective killing, every independent TV company is

cop shows every day.

They're scared, George.

All the top TV cop actors are pulling out.

Yeah, look at this. The dull -as -dishwater detective.

14 million viewers. Huge.

Pulled. The actors run abroad. He's scared.

Detectives on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Fourteen one hours for Granada.

Pulled. The actor won't even get out of bed.

Scared. This one here. The whistling detective who lives on a barge won't

go into production.

Now, can you see what's happening, you idiots?

If all the cop shows are taken off the TV, there'll be no more TV cops.

Yes. Yes. Now you see how serious it is. Yes, I do, Gubber. I know exactly what

you've got to do about it. Oh, yeah? And what do we have to do, George?

Give us our heads. Get us back on the plot.

What, you really think that mid -70s bullshit is going to help me? It's not

-70s bullshit. It's that.

Banging tables and shouting loudly.

Yeah, shouting, freezing, tumbling.

Quick one -liners.

Diving on the fly. Drinking with villains in pubs.

Shut it, cover me. What with?

That's a good one, line up. With one, I'll come back. Shut it!

And it's being able to say gov as many times as I like.

Gov! Gov! Gov! Gov! Gov! Gov! Gov! Gov! Gov! Gov! Get up!

All right.

You've got 48 hours.

We're back!

and cover me, cover me and freeze.

Running around shouting.

Calling all my nice girls now.

Driving fast like real big boys. A bus would always go.

Now, shout, freeze and cover me, cover me and freeze.

Shooting straight with a .38. Firing from your knees.

You guys are number two.

Can't drive as fast as us.

See you in the East End drinker.

Catch up.

Shut up.

Come on, Jason.

I thought I'd fired you.

The lab reports.

I was wondering if you'd mind lending them to me just for a few hours.

All right.

But try not to get any claret on them.

Thank you.

What's the... Duck.

What are we doing here?

I don't know.

Cover me.

In the bar over there.

Very stressed, Maple.

Rear force beveling. Looks like it. Any glasses on it? Yeah, plenty. Okay, let's

go!

A couple of baby chams, please. If you think you can serve baby jam in a gaff

like this, you're wrong.

This is a villain's pub and I don't want a baby jam. What I want is respect.

Tell Big Nobby I want to see him.

This must be the lover duck club.

All right.

Are we the only ones here?

A macho gunner in the toilet sorting out their sexuality.

This is shit. What are we doing here?

Catching villains.

Well, that's what George thinks.

If we didn't drink it, we shouldn't be here. We should be out storming

embassies. Climbing chimneys. Yeah.

Handbrake turns.

Doing our own stuff.

Shut up.

Go and be taken. Don't wash their hands.

Waste of time and film.

Listen, I can wash my hands where and when I want. And right now my hands need

washing. Right?

I'm sorry.

There's no towel for Christ's sake.

Can't a copper dry his hands anymore? I've got wet hands here and they need

drying. This place is a bloody car.

You've been fired. This isn't your country club lounge, Bentley.

I don't serve claret here.

This is a villain's drinker. Now, get!

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up, hold up, hold up. He might look a little sick, but

he's here with his cups outside his jacket.

But he's got a hunch, so we suggest you back it.

Shut it!

All right.

What is it?

I had the lab reports rechecked.

I think I know who the killer is.

On what grounds?

The platform boots.

It appears they're not the real thing.

In fact, the test showed they were bought only three months ago in

Spanker.

Spanker?

What are you trying to say? That I'm the murderer?

Well, let's face it.

Who had the most to lose?

I would say it was someone whose future ratings were threatened by the Gourmet

Detective.

Wouldn't you?

We've had our time.

We've done our bit. We've had a great deal of fun.

But for us, it's over.

I'm glad things are moving on.

But you know, really, is staring at the floor not combing your hair?

Is that really progress?

I think I prefer our shouting gunman.

and I did it. I was jealous.

But could I just have one last request?

What?

Could I just walk across the room slowly?

And?

Gaze at the floor.

And?

Not saying very much.

And?

broken the gearbox.

Well, you're the one who was driving it.

What do you want? I want to be driving around in circles for all I know. Yeah,

so do I.

Hello?

Oh, Tickner, man.

No, I'm in the middle of a car chase at the moment. I'm just trying to lose a

couple that has been detected from the 70s. Hello, Derek.

How many loons have we sold today?

That's not bad for a Wednesday, yes.

Better order some pink cheesecloth as well.

I'm doing a bit of business. I can't tell you what it is. It's a bit hushy

-hushy. Don't do it, then. Don't do it, George. I might just go and do that. All

right. At least he's on the move.

Jobs! Jobs!

Jobs! You what?

They've closed the shipyards.

So this is it. You want to split up? No, I just wanted to split up.

Bonehead, it's stopped.

No more ships on the Tain.

Let's go. I've got to go.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Where's all the wasteland and the disused factories, Foyle?

Where's all the rusty girders?

There, look. There's no puddles to run through.

It's still light.

Sticky nettles, follow.

Sticky nettles, back down, follow.

Nice geranium.

You couldn't take it, could you, spanker?

You couldn't take the gourmet detective wearing your crown, stealing your

thunder. We all had to take it, spanker. We all had to accept our days were

over. You couldn't.

I'll take the high road. I'll take the low road. Let's split up.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

Come on, Spanker. Tell us about it.

I never had your chances, George.

What are you doing, Paul? I'm going to do some crawling. Where?

Over there.

Right, I'm going to do some over here.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

I wanted fast cars, too.

But it was ten years too late.

All I got was marriage problems in a northern atmosphere.

I had marriage problems as well, Spanker. But do you know what?

like you do.

Yeah, by shouting governor.

No, by doing this.

Governor!

It doesn't work anymore, George.

This is reality.

This isn't your pathetic shoot of mine at 100 yards, crap.

The public won't wear it, George.

Yes, well, I'm four feet away. Do you think they'll wear that?

What are you going to do about it, old man?

Well, I'm just going to clean this way.

Lean that way, then have a glass of wine.

And, uh, scratch my knee.

Okay, let's go!

Ah, I'll try the gun.

Great! Where's the shooting star? No!

Shooting's too good for him.

I've got a better idea.

I don't think I can watch this.

Apparently millions of people do.

Poor bastard.

Yeah, well, he had it coming to him for him.

Shooting would have been a kindness.

Yeah. Nothing worse than being a faceless copper in uniform three nights

Shoot me!

Please, please, shoot me!

Oh, you will be shot, mate.

On tape.

No more film for you.

I can't take any more of this. Let's go.

Yeah. Cover me.

Ronnie, give us a tune.

I don't know. Feel the mood.

We'll have a glass.

George, what are we drinking to?

The 70s, Gav.

The 70s!

And God bless them.

Thank God. Stop looking out that window.

I'm getting too old for this, Foil. Yeah.

See what I see?

What? A puddle.

Where? Over there.

Then flash through it, Foil! Let's go.

Let's go!