Original subtitles

Thank you.

I was feeling lost and lonely, wishing that someone would phone me. I'd be fine

if I could only find my party boy. Standing for him on the dance floor,

away I knew what love was.

I knew I had to have more of my...

It's time to split the barbecue and the donkey ride. I'm not Buffy. And share

the boat trip.

I mean, we both know the boat trip's the best part.

I don't have any trouble pulling him.

Neither do I.

No!

Come on, Keith, where do you put the gel?

I was in charge of travelling checks, sunshine.

You're the one that was supposed to go down at Boots.

Well, I don't use gel anyhow, do I?

It was my natural.

What's the matter now?

It's hot.

Of course he's hot.

This is fine.

It's meant to be hot.

Remember, what are we?

for the rubbish, mate. I've been here before, you know.

Yeah, two pints of lager, please, Tom.

Oi, Romford!

Hey, hey, you from Romford, are you? Oh,

wicked!

Here, make that three.

I'll get these.

How much is 2 ,000 pesetas in English money?

About ten pence, haven't I?

I'm stuck with a wide wall as a wall's end, aren't I?

Yeah, yeah, all you want to do, mate, is buzz a tenner at me, aren't you?

Oi!

They're flushed out, look.

They've got redundancy money, yeah.

Where are you staying, Nick?

Cell block nine.

Debbie's expecting me to fool around.

Sleep with girls, you know.

Get it all out of the way now so that when we're married I won't need to sneak

up and cheat on her all the time.

Of course, I'll tell her everything when I get back.

And she'll tell me, too.

Although I shouldn't imagine she'll get up to much knowing her parents.

Oh, Christ!

It's a crazy time, isn't it? It can, I say.

April,

I'd like to come to my room and have some really wild sex tonight.

No, thanks.

We're about two miles down the road, we are.

It's a right dump.

Air conditioning's broke.

No hot water.

Beds are made of concrete.

No fire.

Insects in the wardrobe.

Fixed to a roof.

Lights out at 11 o 'clock.

The building site out the back. There's an open sewer next door.

And I was sick this morning after breakfast. Oh, really?

Yeah, still mustn't crumble.

Anyhow, down the neck.

Good gold, yeah. It's sweet and ate up. You're on to food.

Can't get me nothing with coconut in it.

Makes me feel up.

a holiday, you know. Well, I've got no coconut in it. What about a gin? Makes

cry. Only the once, and that was because of Gary.

What about a nice spritzer? Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

What's a spritzer?

What's spritzers, please?

Here. Here.

When did the war end?

What? I said, when did the war end?

Yeah. Right.

It's been brought to my attention.

Now, quiet, please. This is serious.

But last night, there was an accident in room 401 involving four nurses

from Cardiff, two pipe fitters from Barnsley, and a

donkey from San...

What do you think?

It's not a lot.

I think he's nice.

Honestly, Cher, when are you going to learn the difference between stalk and

batter?

are pissed off without me, haven't they?

It's a bit tough, isn't it?

Tell you what.

Let's see if we can't find you a gaffer tonight, shall we?

I'll never forget this, honest.

You are diamond.

A jewel.

It's blokes like you that are wonderful.

I hear what you're saying, my son.

Yeah, it's next to 25 quid and everything.

Yeah, worth every penny. Woo!

Well, all you've got to help is a bit of foresight.

If you want to get laid, you've got to prepare.

What do you do for a living?

You must be earning a few, Bob.

Well, I work in my dad's wine bar, but mainly I'm a DJ.

I get a lot of work around Esher.

I like that, Mike Reed.

I think he's really sincere, you know.

Look.

There's a photo of me and Steve Wright at the roadshow in Hastings.

I was down there doing some windsurfing.

Dear God, do you know Steve Wright?

Yeah. Yeah, good.

Hey, look at this.

Isn't it for me?

They're saying it's for me.

Hello? Hello?

Angry,

angry, calm down.

Who is it?

Jamie?

April, is that you?

Hang on.

The door, we're open.

Yeah, I've got someone here.

No, I didn't mean that.

I'll slow down.

Oh, Keith, it's the wee lassie for the rubbish.

Keith, I think she wants to back out the toilet.

Are you pleased with yourself?

It is only a game, Pete.

Dissent!

That T -shirt in the lead.

Yeah, we've done it. All right.

That's what you think.

Bugger. Come on, girls.

Tops. Come on, girls.

Tops.

Wait, come on, lads. Freeze off.

Please,

all we need is one poxy bra.

Join in or bloody well sod off.

So I fool.

He's stuck in that hotel with them all on his own. Can't be a lot of laughs,

it? Nah.

And I'm stuck out in the bleeding desert with a bunch of cavemen.

I thought you'd be glad of a bit of company.

Yeah.

Because we're two peas in a pod, we are, mate.

We have got a lot in common.

We're going to have a good time up in town.

Mate!

left with superb equipment.

Sharon.

It was nice.

The Bleeding Pervert.

We are on holiday.

Look, there's Charlotte.

Oh, no.

Who says she's weak?

I don't know. Don't let her see us.

A pair of guineas and a packet of planters in the bar and says, you're a

a stinger, aren't you? And he says, no, afraid not.

That's the ending, isn't it?

Dirty joke, isn't it?

No, but I know really more than one.

Hello, Pete. Hello, Pete.

Shall I get a couple of more cups, old mingle?

Aye, get a couple of margaritas.

OK, listen, everybody, I just want to remind you about the donkey ride

Not Georgina.

Right, when you get there... There'll be a barbecue, and you'll all be given a

bottle of plonk and a Spanish sausage.

You've seen one of those, have you?

They're pink, wrinkling about this big.

One? Who are you trying to kid, though?

Anyway, it's a great laugh.

Get on the donkey, you get pissed, and then you fall off the donkey. That's the

12th of March. That's great, Pete. OK, Pete. Have you got a minute?

Well, I'm just servicing this chick later, so make it snappy. Yeah, well, I

don't have to... Feeling nothing, we are just... Let's go

over.

Do you see bikers? No towel.

Oh, that took on a tick tone.

Oh, my God.

What a dog.

Throw the book at the line, bastard.

Oh, sorry, April.

Oh, great. I do all the best jobs.

God, I'm horny for you.

Think you can handle it.

Hey, good to see you, my son.

What you having?

Uh, nothing, thanks, Tony. Nah, come on, it's on me.

Cos I'll tell you something, my old mate.

You are doing a bleeding ace job here.

No, really.

Really. If there's one thing I'm going to remember about this week, it's you.

And all the sweat and all the work you've put into making sure we have a

great bloody holiday.

Thanks. Yes, come on, have a wet on me.

I'll tell her I like it.

Right, make that two. Manuel, two larvas.

Stone, what's new? What have you got lined up for the last couple of days for

us? Well, I'll tell you something.

I'm really looking forward to it, you know.

Tony, I'm really in a swing, you know what I mean? Hold here.

Hi, Jamie.

Great to see you. All right, Pete.

I'll be right there, my son.

He's a great geezer, that Jamie.

I mean, when were you born exactly?

Oh, look, it's Keith and Kevin.

Kevin! Tony!

Don't be a tosser all your life.

I'll just take a leak.

Well, I'm only 34.

Tony, we have kids here whose parents are only 34.

So what are you going to do, send me home?

No.

Well, what?

I... I don't like doing this to you, Tony. I'm going to have to ask you to

yourself scarce on the group activities, you know, just miss out on the donkey

ride and so on.

What?

You see, if the word gets out... Well, you're going to tell everyone, are you?

It's just a very small world, Tony.

But me mates... Keith, Jamie, Kevin...

I'm sorry.

Look, we have reunions back home.

It's like a club, you know. Yeah, yeah.

We have a Spanish night, a Greek night. It's great.

You'll get an invite. Everyone does.

So, um...

You look really good in the frochure.

Parties, birds, piss up every night.

Frochure makes you look really great.

I thought I'd be all right.

You look really good.

Well, it is.

So long as you're under 30.

I'm getting cold.

Maybe we should call the police. I don't know.

Hang on.

Talk about a dark horse.

Well, don't get out of my room.

Calm yourself.

Look, I did pay the single supplement, you know.

So... Oh, hey, Kevin.

Stupid.

I've heard about this really great bar just up the road from here.

Do you want to come and give it a once -over?

Camel, got to stick together, not good boys.

Oh, yeah? See you later, then.

Granddad?

Yeah, hello?

Look, give me some coffee.

I mean, I ask you, 34.

Talk about mutton dressed up as lab.

Right, right, then. I'll probably be up there most of the evening, then, right?

And maybe catch a club later on, so I probably won't see you, right?

Yeah.

Have one of them for me.

It's late.

you didn't make.

Don't you write stuff

Four men.

I don't know what came over me, Father.

I'm so ashamed.

With four?

Four men, yes.

I feel so deprived.

What is four?

Four. One, two, three, four.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

Cuatro. Si.

Cuatro hombres.

See, it's disgusting, Father, I know.

I've sinned.

They were German.

I felt like an animal, Father.

Worse than a beast.

Subhuman.

Evil.

Slimy.

And I enjoyed it.

That's my worst sin.

I thought I'd ate it, but I didn't.

I reveled in it.

I wallowed in filth and enjoyed every minute of it.

Sherman. Sorry, father?

What is Sherman?

No, German.

Ah,

German.

What is it now? What's that?

It's a flaming statue.

I can see that.

No, you div. It's a flaming statue. As in, it catches fire but doesn't burn. So

they say.

Supposed to cure the sick or something. Did it sort off my water?

No.

How should I know?

You're supposed to be the courier.

Get a guidebook.

I'm sorry I upset you, Jose.

I was just doing my job.

I'd like to find some shade.

The others seem to have taken it around here.

See, I probably lost my rag because, um... I fancy you.

Dozy cow.

You all right?

I want to go home.

Oh, yeah, they're definitely on to a winner here, aren't they? Because people

are always going to want holidays, aren't they?

A couple more years, me and my mate are going to open a disco.

Well, you've got to start somewhere, haven't you?

They all did that.

We need the collateral.

I mean, look at Charles Forty. He started in 1934 with two grand and look

now. Will you stop?

I want to look at the sunset.

Yeah, keep on moving, keep going. That's the name of the game.

My mate's got a windsurfing school on, uh, what's it?

Kos. It's a Greek island.

He went out there for a week to soak up the old current bun.

And he loved it.

Delish.

Yeah, cos you see, you've got the climate, ain't you?

No ties, Lee.

Really?

Don't suppose there's any chance of a bolt, is there?

No.

Yeah, I thought you'd say that.

Oh, shit, hang about.

Having trouble?

Yeah, I think there's an electrical fault.

Let me have a go.

I'm good with knob.

See, I've got a 3PS sequencer on my gear. It's a bit more complicated.

Just play the music, man.

You're only going to have half an hour.

Yeah, but it's a whole show.

You see, it's a concept.

Yeah, a concept.

Amateur.

Put you on at ten, OK?

Sure. Leaves us plenty of time.

April!

Put him down, will you? Give me a hand with this.

Coming.

Uh -huh.

Sorry.

Leave her off, you prat.

No anti -gate mechanism.

Clack, clack, eh?

Lumpy!

Clack, clack.

I can see that. What is it? Oh, nothing. I've just come by on me way to pick up

me pension.

I come in disguise in case I make any of the punters sick.

I mean, who wants to clap eyes on an old wrinkly like me, eh? Tone, Tone, don't

take it so hard. I'm going to kill you for shocking me to my mates, you

It was your great mate who bit on you.

Do what?

Jamie, you know, wonderful radio one?

He took a look at your passport.

Don't take it out on me. Take it out on him.

Really

great sound

there. Really great.

I'm coming out.

A number from a couple of guys that I have the sneaking suspicion are going to

be mega big.

And that means big.

But first, a word from our sponsors.

Oh, Debbie won't do that. Oh, yeah, she says it's unnatural.

Oh, God. Oh, God. That's good.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh.

I'm on my way.

It's weird, you know. I'm just sitting here thinking we could be doing this any

night of the year back at Rome. Yeah.

It don't seem worth coming to Spain to knock the boy next door.

You've got a boyfriend, have you?

Yeah. Sort of.

Gary.

What's he do?

Works on the council.

It's all right, isn't it?

He's steady.

Yeah.

He's saving for a mortgage.

His head's screwed on, then.

Got a girlfriend?

A couple, you know, nothing special.

All right?

All right?

Yeah, great.

Gave it her right, pranging, didn't I?

Says you.

Best you've had all week.

At least she can remember she's had so many.

Jake!

Give it seven out of ten.

I'll give it a ten.

I'm a bald ten.

You.

Don't look at me.

Look.

Don't do anything I wouldn't.

All right, love.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

See you again.

I can't fix you.

Me, shall?

Yeah. Get on the bus.

Go on, then. Bye -bye.

All right, all right.

All right, come on, move along, then.

Don't hold up the door. Come on, in you go, straight in. Come on.

That's it.

You can take a train to Marrakesh or a night boat to Hong Kong. Take a taxi to

hotel. Drink sangria at the bar.

Sit by the pool. Look in, you'll hear everyone's a dud.

It really is quite simple.

And you worked all year long.

Elementary is ABC in the lyrics of this song.

Put your hands together.

There's no need to butt.

You know how to...

And you know that we've only just begun And we'll show, yes we'll show You the

way to have some fun We'll eat pineapples for breakfast Cocktails

Go dancing in the disco And swimming in the sea We're surfing in the morning