Original subtitles

Hi, my name's Sally Friedman, so -called rock journalist extraordinaire and self

-confessed rock and roll addict.

Five years ago, I took the road with a bunch of rock amateurs. Six months on

road later, they'd matured into an outfit as tight as a facelift. And then

suddenly, inexplicably, and very publicly, they split up.

That was just too much sex and drugs and rock and roll.

Colin was behaving like a complete prat.

Dane could only string two chords together and Spider was out of his head

drugs all the time.

Well, apparently it was all Colin's fault. I don't know what happened,

mean, one day we were getting along fine, you know, looking forward to

stop for.

Next morning I woke up and they'd all buggered off.

I

blame

myself in part, you know. I mean, I was always really the Keith Moon of the

group. You know, I was always getting drunk.

I was really funny when I was drunk.

And then I hurt my finger, and I couldn't play guitar properly.

And it went septic, so I couldn't play properly for about three months.

And it was my important finger.

You're a very visual band indeed.

You still want to do an interview?

Yeah, yeah, please, yeah.

Do you want? I think it's probably just me.

Well, no, we can have all the band in.

Whatever. I just wasn't getting my own way enough at the time, you know, and,

well, you can only be reasonable for so long, can't you? Thank you, thank you.

We are a live band, basically, but I don't think anybody guessed that we were

miming. Well,

that was four years ago. But what happens to those dreams of stardom? What

happens to the boys who are sure they've got it right, the boys who think, hey,

we're going to make it? Some people aren't quite good enough at playing the

bass. OK? It means that you couldn't actually play it well enough.

What kind of name is that?

We thought we'd find out by arranging a reunion gig for them here at their old

stomping ground, the Flying Horse, where they used to deliver the excitement and

escapism that so few bands do these days, where they violated with voltage

volume, outraged parents and erected rock dreams against the world.

Hi. Vim Fuego, you were the creator and driving force behind the legend that was

Bad News, and as such have carried the burden of dreams, stroke nightmares,

stroke whatever.

The reunion of a band that splits so acrimoniously must be packed with

conflicting emotions of joy, guilt, anger, anxiety,

despair, hope, excitement even.

How do you feel?

All right, thanks.

How are you?

And now you're getting the band back together again?

Yeah.

But where, oh, where can they be?

When was the last time that you saw them all?

Well, the only one I've seen recently is... Who's that?

Colin.

After the band split up, he went straight back to college.

Studied land management for three years and failed his exams.

Ended up working as a clerk in a bank.

What do I think of him?

I think he's a banker.

Oh, God.

Mummy!

Mummy!

Yeah, hi.

Colin, it's Danny Friedman, remember?

I'm not Colin. I'm Trevor.

I'm Trevor, Colin's twin brother.

If you want Colin, he'll probably be round at his pad, because he's

groovy.

More groovy than me, anyway.

Mummy!

Well, where do you want me to begin?

Well, did you stay on at college? God, no, no, I...

I just quit the band and dropped out of college at the same time. I felt like I

really wanted to find myself, you know.

God, I had an amazing time.

I mean, I just went wild.

I was like a crazy man.

I mean, I shacked up with punks, dyed my hair, all sorts

of exotic colours.

I just almost had a drugs overdose.

I mean, I just generally tried to experience as much as I could.

Oh, wow, that's really amazing. Well, it is, yeah.

So what do you do now?

Er... I can't remember.

Look, you said you weren't going to ask me that question.

Tell me about Den, then.

Oh, I haven't got a clue, I'm afraid. I haven't seen or heard nothing about him

since the band split up.

You know, I've tried getting in touch with him through the experience, but I

haven't been able to pick up his vibe.

What?

I haven't got to tell you.

Since the last time we met, I've become, well, metaphysical, I suppose

you'd call it. You know, I've discovered I've got this power to, like, talk to

people from beyond the grave.

You know?

I've been talking to some pretty interesting people from recent rock

actually. I mean, they never give me any whole songs or anything like that.

Well, the nearest I ever came to that was one that John gave me a lot of help

with, John Lennon, one called Imogen.

Imagine?

No, no, Imogen, it's a girl's name.

The title's just a really sort of strange coincidence, really.

Oh, I'll play it to you tonight.

I've got my studio in the cellar. Do you want to have a listen?

Come on, let's get out of the studio.

Yeah.

This way.

Something at the door.

Bloody hell, Tony, it's you.

Who did you think it was going to be?

Well, this is a surprise.

What's going on here?

Fancy you turning up now, at this precise moment.

Yeah, well, I finished the job in Corsica Street. I told you it'd only

a day.

It's a film crew, isn't it?

Hey, you're that bloke who was the cameraman on that, er... That

we've done, aren't you?

How nice to see you.

Yeah, it's, er... Was it Oliver, isn't it?

That's right.

How are you doing? What's going on, Vin?

I'm going to cut it there.

And power on.

Turn it off. I'll turn it off.

We start again.

Choose rhythm.

Rhythm. Change the rhythm.

Don't want to button over.

Yeah, alright, I'll just, we can go with that, right? Think we'll start.

Think we'll start flashing.

Okay. Here it comes.

2, 3, 4!

IMAGINA!

It sounds better without a bossa nova, you know.

Spider, the wild man who could throw up exactly half a pint into an half -pint

pot with no spillage, had to marry this strange hippie woman because he got her

pregnant.

She's really tamed him.

A lot.

I don't know whether we'll get him back in the band or not, because he's under

the thumb, you know.

I don't know if you'll let him go.

So we'll have to discuss it with her, you know, and we'll just hope for the

best. I've got to go.

Well, if you've got to.

Yeah, well, I've got to, really.

Well, all right, then.

Well, that was a pretty good discussion, wasn't it?

Rock and roll, here we come.

Good to see you. How are you doing?

Yeah, all right.

How are you? All right, yeah. Yeah, nice. Hi, Spider.

Oh, Colin, you old tosser.

Hey, how are you doing? I'm very cool, thank you. Very cool indeed.

Good. All right.

Hello, Vin.

Hello, Colin.

Well, hey, great.

I'd like to see the menu, sir. I think we'd like to order some drinks first,

Yeah, sure. Four pints of lager, please. No, let's have eight pints.

No, no, 60.

No, no, 32.

No, bugger it. We're a rock band. Make it 100.

How many pints would you like?

100. Be serious, sir. No, I'm being serious. Would you like 100 pints of

please? 100 pints of lager? Look at what he said, didn't you? We want 100 pints

of lager. Come on, Jennifer. I went four poppadoms.

That'll do for starters.

We're going to get really pissed.

Not rested for a second, you know. Yeah.

So you never stopped playing then?

No. I couldn't stop playing because it's in my blood, right? You know, I mean,

if I stopped playing, it would be like something really important stopping.

Important stopping. Yeah. Because you've been playing that wine bar Sunday

lunchtime, haven't you?

Yeah.

What? Wine bar.

Yeah, he's been playing...

Mary Hopkins numbers on acoustic guitar.

Then shut up.

Those were the days, my friend, we fought like never.

Shut up. Then just shut up.

Dear, that's part of him. Fuego, the great heavy metal guitarist, has been

playing Mary Hopkins numbers in a wine... I've been playing. It's music.

If you can call Mary Hopkins music, then you have been playing. I kept on

playing. I kept on gigging.

I've kept on hawking on bloody old demo tape around, haven't I?

And what have you been doing, Colin? What have you been doing?

Working in a bank.

That's what you've been doing, isn't it?

Well, look, while we're on the subject of things we promised we wouldn't

mention, maybe we should ask everyone to ask you why you're not going to play

this reunion gig on Saturday.

All right, well, maybe I don't see what's so important about playing a one

gig at the Flying Horse of all places.

These people from Channel 4 still give us the money even if we don't do the

won't you?

Yeah, you know, I would say you're so great about playing a one -off gig. I

suppose you want a record contract or something like that. Maybe I do want a

record contract. What's wrong with wanting a record contract?

All right.

Have a look at that.

What is it?

It is a record contract.

That's what you get if you don't turn traitor on your music and start working

a bank, Colin, right?

And while we're talking, quite frankly, I might as well just say that the idea

of playing with you makes me bloody sick, right? And if it wasn't for the

company insisting on the original line -up, you would not be in this f***ing

band.

There are how many points have I had?

42.

Right, I think it's time to be sick.

But the last point on my list is this cosmic clause thing.

Right to exploitation on any planet now or yet to be known to man.

Yeah.

But what does that mean?

Oh, that's just a little bit of nonsense.

I mean, all it means is when we land on Mars, we find lots of little Martians

there. So let's face it, are bound to be into bad news, we can sell your records

to them.

Oh, far out.

OK.

OK.

Right, let us run up the main points again. The contract lasts five years,

you don't have to put out any records if you don't want to.

Although, if you don't want to, we're still under contract to you, and we're

allowed to make any records for anybody else.

And we get 4 .75 % of 90 % of 100, minus 15 % of retail.

But there's no advance, which means absolutely no cash whatsoever for us up

front. Yeah, that's about right, yeah.

Hmm.

Well, all right, I'll sign that.

Hey, where's all the groupies? Yeah, where's all the groupies?

Where's all the drugs?

Where's the toilet?

Hey, look out world, you're about to witness rock and roll history.

Yeah, the only trouble with creating rock and roll history is it always takes

six hours to set the drums up. Why is that, Spider?

Well, this time it's because I left my drums at home.

No, I'm serious.

What? I thought this lot were going to pick them up for me.

Oh, this is really great.

Just imagine, I could have just done it in the same bog as Eric Clapton.

Mick Jagger.

Lemmy.

Or the Osborne.

Who has been here?

Bananarama.

Bloody hell, who's all those lagers?

Oh, I brought them in there for afterwards.

Look how thinking, Rachel.

Hey, lads!

There's a stack of lager in here.

Oh, no, come on. I said they were for afterwards.

Three lager.

Well, all right, you can have one now, but just one, OK?

Well, this one shouldn't take long.

Go down.

There, there.

No, you can't... That's it. Leave it now. Leave it, leave it. Leave it!

That amp is pathetic. You couldn't amplify a fart through that.

Yeah, well, Gail's kids' gerbils have been using it for the toilet the last

three years.

Well, you can't play through that, can you?

Look, mate, have you got a spare amp we could borrow or something?

Bloody hell, Vim, look, it's a Marshall.

Hey.

Listen, mate, have you got any more of these?

No, that's it.

Look, Dan, maybe I should play through the mask, all right, and you can play

through my stack.

No way, this one's mine now.

No, well, let me just have a look.

Dan,

Dan, stop being childish, Dan.

Why are you doing it for me?

You can turn it up a bit.

Just take me up a bit.

Yeah.

Up a bit more.

Just a touch more.

It can go up a little bit higher, can't it? I know.

All right, just another two or three notches.

Good? Yes. Well, just a little bit more.

Okay, okay, up, up, up, just a touch, touch.

Lovely.

Okay, we'll try it there.

Hey,

joke.

Keep your knickers on.

Yeah. Don't get your hair in a twist.

We've been playing this number on and off for six years. We could play it with

our hands tied behind our backs.

Yeah, well, get on with it then.

Yeah, all right. All right. Well, should we give it a go then?

Yeah.

All right.

Let's tie our hands behind our backs.

We're off.

Four horsemen of the rock apocalypse.

Leaders and saviors of the wild ride to oblivion and ecstasy.

One, two, three.

You can't play a bloody G, for God's sake, Dan.

I was playing a G.

You weren't. I was. You weren't. I was watching you.

I was. I was playing a G.

You weren't. You were playing this.

What is that? What is that, eh?

Er... Er, that's a D.

Yeah, that's a D, and that's what you were playing.

No, I wasn't. I was playing a G.

If you were playing a G, then I'm a queer.

We'll take our doubts about you, then.

Yeah, well, maybe you are bloody queer.

What's wrong, Vim?

You know perfectly well what's wrong.

What, that... that you might be a queer?

Don't be so f***ing stupid.

It's the band. I mean, what is it with this band?

Six years we've been playing that number.

We finally get the chance to put it down on vinyl, and what happens?

Nothing! Now, why is that?

Well, secretly, I'm rather pleased that Phil's left.

Because, quite frankly, I don't think he's that hot.

I just can't get a decent balance in my cans.

It was the same thing that happened the last time we tried to record something.

We didn't have the right people, and we don't have them now.

We need a producer.

We need a good engineer.

We need a proper bass player.

Right,

that is it.

I'm off.

I'm in it, Vim. I'm off. You just can't say that sort of thing about me in front

of the camera.

I've seen you sneaking off and bad -mouthing me behind my back.

But it doesn't matter what you say now. I'm going. I have had enough.

Bye, then.

It's just exactly what always used to happen, isn't it? And here you are doing

it all over again.

Well, it's not going to work this time because I'm going.

Now.

Right now.

And don't try and stop me. I'm going now. There's no argument.

I refuse to argue with you.

You see, look. I'm refusing to argue with you.

Goodbye.

One, two, three.

I don't care what any of you say.

I signed the contract, too, and I refuse to be thrown out of the band just for

it on the brink of success.

Do you hear me, Ben?

I refuse to leave.

Colin.

What?

Stop crying.

I'm not crying.

Let me try that, mate.

Yes.

Who's that playing bass?

When I've set off Spider, all you have to do when I cue you is turn into camera

and look mean, okay?

Right, let's go. Turn over.

Rolling. Roll playback.

Action, Spider!

Action.

Cut, cut, cut!

What happened there?

Oh, sorry, I got confused.

I thought you meant that car. I didn't see that camera.

Warriors of Genghis Khan is actually a political song.

Action, Dan.

Action, Dan.

Dan.

Action.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I was watching Spider on the by.

In what way is that a political song?

Well, it's in the lyrics, isn't it?

No, no, you have got to look mean.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Right, here we are then.

Burning, looting, raping, shooting.

Repeat.

Burning, looting, raping, shooting.

Burning,

looting, raping, shooting.

I want to see your blood all over the place.

And that's political in intent, isn't it?

Well, er, maybe it's more poetical political, you know, I don't know.

It doesn't simply sort of indulge the macho male egos preoccupying and

overriding a session with domination women and orgiastic bloodlifting for the

sake of it, then?

Yeah, that's the bit I like.

Warriors of Genghis Khan buy bad news. And, er, wear bad news.

Yeah. Are you really?

Yeah.

What was it called, sorry?

Warriors of Genghis Khan. Warriors of Genghis Khan.

No,

we haven't got it, sorry.

No, it's new out this week. Yeah. What label?

Oh.

Frilly Tink.

Frilly Tink.

That's that new label just for gays, is it?

Hang on.

Shall I smash his face?

Oh, I'm sorry, it's not in.

Go.

No, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.

Excuse me, mate.

Yeah. We'd like Warriors of Genghis Khan by Bad News, please.

Is that a new one?

Yeah, it's new. It's fleekish.

Do you know what label it's on?

It's on frilly pink.

Do you want to make something of it or what?

I hate very many, though.

Well, that is a surprise.

Here we are.

I know. We want more than one.

How many do you want?

How many do you want, Cully?

347. Yeah, 347, please.

Guys!

Listen to this!

Tell them what you just told me!

Look, it's no secret. It was in the contract.

What was?

Go on, tell them.

Well, it's just that the video and the thing will come out of your royalties.

is standard practice.

I've worked it out. Do you know how much it comes to?

I was talking to the guy who runs the canteen van.

He says he charges £17 .50 a head.

That means with a crew this size, the canteen bill alone is going to come to

something like £800.

That meal over there is costing us £200 each.

What did you come?

We paid for that.

Look, look, at the moment you're in debt to the tune of about 15 grand, but

we'll get it back for you, don't worry.

What's the thing we're doing?

Bad news on that front, I'm afraid. Hey, bad news, get it?

We must be somewhere in the charts. It's only 376.

We've been disqualified from the charts.

What? Yeah.

We paid for that.

the portals.

Come on, somebody!

Apparently some twat went into a chart shop and bought 350 copies.

Of course, when that happens, they think it's being hyped and it gets

disqualified from the charts for a couple of weeks.

But don't worry, we'll re -release it on the back of this programme.

That's when it'll do business.

Should make some money at Castle Donington as well.

I have booked you, bad news, to play the Mont of the Rock Festival, Castle

Donington.

Donington? Another heavy metal day.

No sleep till Castle Donington.

Better have some vibes.

Donington, I mean, it's just unbelievable.

I mean, it's like the center of the heavy metal universe, and bad news is

to be there.

I mean, the biggest gig we've played so far is 87, I think, at Kingston Poly.

That's it.

Evie, please put the power back on.

OK, I'll turn it down.

Beatle ran out.

I mean, this is big league, right? And all we've got to do now is

blow Ozzy off the stage.

I'm going to play this getting up in the morning scene. I'll bring you a cup of

tea like I normally do.

Oh, great.

Tea, yeah, great. Thanks, Mrs. Grigson. Just put it down on the side. That'll be

all. There's no need to be so formal, Colin. I am your mother.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

But your father has got a point, you know.

When you've got a place of your own, you can make as much noise as you like.

I've got something a bit special for you, ladies and gentlemen. It's very

It's very bad. It's called the... Please.

Bloody brakes don't work.

Alan Metcalfe. Shut up. Shut up. Don't say a bit. Please.

This is supposed to happen. All right, thanks.

That's about it, really.

Yeah, well, actually, I don't see what's really wrong with living with your

parents. I mean, they're just a couple of old reactionaries, and here I am

sponging off them. So that's what I call anarchy in my book.

Who's playing at Castle Donington, me or you?

It's me, isn't it?

I'm going to see inside the beast.

This is all leopard skin.

Vim and I did this.

It's great, isn't it? You can get this for £8 .99 a roll.

It's a shop called Alexander's we bought it from.

You can get the zebra or the tiger skin. We thought the leopard was a bit saucy,

you know.

This is a picture of Marjorie, actually.

A few chicks.

I've had all those.

This is all Vim's furniture, basically.

That's the cockpit in there.

There's our captain.

Yeah, good afternoon. I'd like to welcome you aboard.

Hope you have a pleasant flight.

As you can see, in the flight deck, we've gone mainly for the skull motif.

got the skull on the gear stick here. We've got the skulls on the mirror.

We've got the out -of -date tax dish. We've got the optional extra saucy lady.

Leather skins are out, of course. It's very metal, very heavy, and it's very

news.

Dan, I was wondering if we could play a little game. I sometimes use it when I'm

interviewing people for my column.

It's called On the Couch. It's a word association game.

Okay, I'll start.

Heavy metal.

Heavy metal.

Heavy metal what?

Heavy metal.

What about heavy metal?

Okay, then what about heavy metal?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I like heavy metal.

How's this?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Wake up.

Wake up. Use another word. I think I've got it now.

What? Use another word.

KCDC.

What about him?

Can I see your passes, please? It's all right, mate. We're with the film crew.

No. I said, can I see your passes, please?

Yeah, and I said, we're with the film crew.

I need to see a pass.

But we haven't got any, have we?

If you haven't got any passes, you don't get in.

Yeah, but we're doing a gig here tomorrow.

Look here, if we don't get in, then we won't get to play. And I just think your

superiors will be pretty upset with you, mate.

Yeah. Look, is there any chance of seeing someone in charge?

I'm in charge.

Look, we haven't got any passes, right? There's obviously been some sort of mix

-up, but we are playing here tomorrow.

We've got the gear in the van and we need to get in.

If you haven't got a pass, you don't get in.

Right, well, in that case, we're not moving our van.

Right.

Turn that camera off, please.

What for?

I suppose you think that's funny, do you, Colin?

To watch the guy who got you what must be probably the biggest gig you've ever

had in your life get his ribs broken. That's funny, is it, eh?

Well, it is quite funny, yeah. Yeah, I think it's quite funny.

Oh, that's very nice coming from you, then. If it wasn't for me, you'd still

a painter and decorator.

I am still a painter and decorator. I've got that job for you in Hendon starting

on Friday, remember?

Sorry about the mix -up of the gay boys. It's just one of those things.

Yeah, well, what about a soundcheck?

Soundcheck? Yeah.

Well, you're the ones with the film crew, aren't you?

They told me it was a joke documentary about some funny rock band.

What? So I'm afraid we haven't scheduled a sound check. Anyway, I'll tell you

what. Have a look around and I'll catch up with you later, all right?

If what was said just then ends up in this documentary, I'm going to kill

single one of you.

It's where it's all going to happen. Bad news playing live in front of a quarter

of a million people. And a lot of them chicks.

Toilet.

Quarter of a million punters.

And if all of them pissed about, about two parts each, then they'd be, uh...

Well,

I'm rich, all right?

I'll get a mansion right next door to the dollar office.

I'm going to get the stereo speakers this big.

Sorry, there's something I didn't mean to say about the other day. I'm sorry I

called you the Andrew Richman of Heavy Metal.

Well, that's OK, Vim.

I'm sorry I called you a completely bugger pisshead.

This is really great. I've never been in that hotel.

You can drink all day.

Yeah, well, this is what it's going to be like from now on with bad news.

World tours and all -day drinking.

Yeah, and then there's snobbing. Yeah!

Get this introduction recorded, Trollope. And then we can start to

really, really get piddly. Right, come on. Come on. Bad news.

This time. Good evening.

whatsoever, Alan Meckoff. I'm going to sue you. And I mean that. If we don't

a pro -party caution, darling, till tomorrow, I'll f***ing kill you.

We might as well stop meeting like this. What are we going to do?

at two o 'clock this afternoon by some miracle they got out on bail and they're

here for you now ladies and gentlemen would you welcome

they're

an insult to like professional musicians i mean the fact that like you know

they've been allowed to go on stages you know that have been you know trod upon

by like so many famous faces in the past it's disgrace To me, it's just giving

rock a really bad name.

Fans like ours, I mean, we've been, like, you know, going around circuits

years, and all they get is, like, one documentary, eh?

I mean, it's, like, sort of, like, you know, heavy metal scene eastern.

I'm Phil Collins, guitarist in Deflipman, and I think that's it.

The worst band I've ever seen in the f***ing world.

They were absolutely f***ed.

I thought that news had a new high in altruistic, self -indulgent, bullshit,

mollycoddles, you know, mother -my -dog instinct -locking law.

I thought it was a piece of princely shit from the worst kind of city ghetto,

probably populated by winos, junkies, and just general all -round.

Yeah,

the first number went quite well.

Well, the first part of it did. The audience got a bit bored in the second

And then Vim said, Behold, I am the reincarnation of Jimi Hendrix.

All kneel and praise me.

And that's when the audience rushed the stage.

No, it wasn't just Hell's Angels. It was the police as well, all, like, jumping

on Vim's head. And then Colin joined in.

And, er... So Vim's in major surgery at the moment. And, er... It

looks quite dodgy, evidently.

Anyway, luckily, Colin had his wig, like, torn off so he could pretend he

in the band until someone saw this name tag on his collar and they slit his

throat.

I only got off so lightly because, like, I was so scared, I went to the toilet

in my trousers and most people, like, kept away from me because of the smell.

And Spider, Spider got out of being beaten up by blowing himself up.

Yeah, yeah, it's a tragedy, yeah.

Yeah, but on the other hand, Rachel says it'll probably do the record a lot of

good.

And if Vim dies and we exploit it properly, we could all make a lot of

So, er...

It's a pity, yeah, but there you go.