Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Hiding. From the police?

Don't worry.

I hate the bastards.

They towed my car away last week.

You can come through the back way if you like.

What have you done?

Nothing much.

You're not violent, are you? No, no, no.

Actually, I'm a writer.

I wondered if you'd be interested in this script I've written.

It's a 30 -minute TV play aimed at young people.

I mean, that's what I'm interested in.

Do you like plays for young people?

Oh, yes.

I've tried several of the TV companies.

Bastards! It's too controversial, that's the problem.

I mean, I could write that shit, but what's the point in compromising?

Life's too short, really, isn't it?

Do you want some more tea?

No, listen, where's your back door?

Um, it's blocked up. I can't open it.

This is a good bit. This guy is your age, and he meets a sailor at the pub.

He says...

I bet she's good at it.

Nodding to the girl at the bar.

Sailor? Not me, mate. I'm queer.

What do you see in girls?

I don't know.

It's supposed to be North Country. I can't do the actions.

Don't worry, I'll... This is a bit much, isn't it? I'm trying to work.

Police. Now look here.

I'm sick of you bastards coming round here.

My car was towed away, there was no apology, and you have the nerve to

£30 for its return.

What is this?

Russia, Herr Fuhrer?

West

End,

please, Gough.

I'm finishing my lunch first.

Quick! It's important!

Don't tell me what's important, John.

I've got angina. Do you know what that means? That means I've got to eat

otherwise I'll die. Then you won't be going anywhere in this cab, will you?

Come in.

Come in.

Look at that. Look at that.

Rush, rush, rush. See him, see him.

Heart attack.

Look, I've got to get to an hospital.

It's an emergency.

I'm a nuclear scientist and I've been exposed to radiation.

Out of cab.

Out of cab.

All right, look, look, I'm sorry.

The police are after me, but it's not my fault. It's a case of mistaken

identity, really.

Excuse me, do you have a light?

No, no, sorry.

Oh dear, I'm bursting for a ciggy. I don't smoke normally, but I'm so

Capital Radio.

Do you listen to Capital Radio?

I'm doing a special interview there in half an hour. That's why I'm so nervous.

Would you need to not work here?

No. Oh.

My talent.

Rich is just a little bit more.

Right, how much do I owe then?

Uh, pound.

Oh dear, can you change a fiver?

Uh, no, sorry, no.

Well, what about that little purse dangling there?

hands, you could yourself.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, and your face.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.

Oh, well, take care, then. Bye.

Bye -bye.

That'll be £3 .90 for you.

£3 .90.

I've had a good day.

Keep the train, lucky boy.

Drive! Just drive anywhere. It's all right, I'll pay.

I'm a thief.

How much do I owe you?

What time is it?

I'm supposed to be at work at nine.

But where are we anyway?

Um, Essex.

No, I'm really sorry, I don't know much about last night.

I don't really know who you are. What am I supposed to be doing in Essex?

Do you mind driving me back?

No, no, I can't.

What, have you nicked it or something?

No.

I'm the heart attack taxi thief.

All right.

I'm Angie. Pleased to meet you.

Yeah, thanks. Be quick. I'm in a hurry.

Hi, I'm Max. How are you? Here, take this.

Oh, thanks.

Don't thank me. Just strap yourself in in case I turn this thing over.

Son of a bitch!

Ha -ha!

Didn't expect you to do that.

I'm an epileptic.

I've been all right since Christmas.

My wife says I'm crazy and ought to be locked up.

Perhaps she's right.

I wish I could see her.

She won't let me in the house without a lawyer.

I mean, that's not a proper marriage, is it?

Are you married?

No.

It's a night I can't take.

It's all right at first to stay with friends.

But you know what it's like when you start falling over and frightening the

children.

And then in the morning it was, Matt, can you go now?

I said, Mary, it's half past five in the morning.

He said, I'm sorry, Matt.

I'm sorry.

I don't feel safe while you're in the house.

Cigarette?

Yeah.

Cool.

I admit it, I'm a bit of a mess just now. I haven't slept for seven days.

I'm a nice guy, aren't I?

I've been driving around in this car for three days and I don't know who I am

anymore.

And it's starting to dig.

If someone doesn't start to understand me right now, I'm going to kill it all

and I mean it.

And I'm coming across.

Look, Max, we've got our own problems, right?

Look, Max, when this car slows down, I'm going to get out and kick the shit out

of you. All you have to do is call her.

Tell her I'm sorry and I'll do anything.

Anything she wants.

She'll listen to you, I know.

Tell her.

Tell her I love her and I'm really calm now.

Don't say you know me and talk quick before she puts the phone down.

Who should I say I'm calling?

Just say I'm sorry and that... Is it ringing?

Yeah. Oh, God, she's probably gone jogging.

She's maybe met someone else.

Oh, God, I hope he doesn't answer the phone.

Do you think she's met somebody else?

Huh?

What's the name? Do you want some money?

I've forgotten.

Stop jabbering. Okay, okay. I've shut up. I've shut up.

What's your name?

Philip. Hello, Mr. Philip.

You don't know me. My name's Andrew Taylor.

Hey, what?

No,

no, he's alive.

Have some more money.

Do you want to do this?

No, don't do it. I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's just if you really, really can't talk to him, Mrs. Phillips, then

he's very likely to kill not only himself, but me and my boyfriend as

No, no, it's the way he drives.

Yeah, I agree, he's the stuff and does it, little William.

Just say I'm sorry, and I've really changed.

Yeah, yeah, keep saying you're sorry.

Right, here's Max. Bye.

You're from London. We've broken down. Did you have breakfast?

No. No, sorry.

I'm sorry. I know it's a cheek and everything, but, you know, we're really

hungry. We'll pay you.

Well, all right, then.

I haven't got very much. Come in.

since our accident, do we, Franny? She hates me calling her Franny.

Her real name's Frances, but I call her Franny.

You a chicken farmer?

No, I'm a PE instructor.

May I use the bathroom, please?

Yes, it's through there.

Oh, you've cut your hand.

Yeah, it's nothing very much.

What was it, a head -on collision? Or did you smash into a tree, blind drunk?

been drinking, you see, heavily.

And Franny said, oh, I'll drive home.

Next thing, crash!

I lost both legs.

Still, at least she lost her licence.

Well,

what do you do?

I'm a typist.

Oh, really? I thought you were a prostitute.

Charming. How much do you charge? Do you take a cheque, do you?

Tim, stop it!

Tim, stop it!

Tim, stop it!

Tim, stop it!

That's a typical Franny remark.

Franny's a nymphomaniac too, aren't you, Franny?

Aren't you a nymphomaniac, Franny?

She'd kill me if she thought she'd get away with it.

Would you mind cutting some bread for me?

Breakfast is very nearly ready.

Ah, the pimp.

I was just talking to your call girlfriend about doing it in doorways.

Well, I must say, you're a gutless little swine, aren't you?

You scratchy, loathsome piece of filth with your diseased trollop.

Pimp!

Whore! Pimp!

Whore! Pimp! Whore! Pimp! Whore! Pimp! Whore! Pimp! Whore!

Whore! Whore! Whore!

Sorry about that, kids. Too good a chance to miss.

Milk go.

You just leave it outside.

That'll be fine. Would you mind signing this order form?

I'm on holiday next week, you see.

I'm going to tell you something now.

I don't want you to react in any way. Do you understand?

Don't beg your pardon?

I'm a police officer and I'm aware of your situation.

Do you follow?

Oh, yes.

Just answer this next question, yes or no.

Are they inside?

Are they in the immediate vicinity?

Yes.

Right. Just relax. Everything's under control.

I'd just like you to take two steps backwards into the house.

Good girl.

You're doing very well there.

Francis.

Lovely name for a lovely lady.

Thank you.

Now, Franny, what I want you to do...

is without looking or pointing in any way, I want you to tell me exactly where

they are.

They're in the mini.

Good.

So it's two pints tomorrow, is it?

Yes!

The mini.

The mini.

Just one for you to sign for, madam.

Right, Fran, what I want you to do now is to go into your living room.

Yes. You got that?

Now, have you got any thick cushions or a rug in there?

I've got a duvet.

Oh, that'll do the trick. They're nice, aren't they?

Better than making the old bed every day.

Yes, I'd never go back to sheets and blankets.

Right.

Now, Fran, what I want you to do is to go into your living room and lie on the

floor with the duvet over you. Have you got that?

Yes. Now, in a few moments, you're going to hear a bit of a bang.

So I'd like you to stay in that position until myself or a fellow officer gives

you the all -clear.

Is that understood?

Yes. Good girl.

Off you go then.

Be careful.

Stand by.

Up hand, Gina.

You're not kidding.

Nice date?

Yes, yes, absolutely splendid, yes.

Jolly top hell, Bungee.

Bagged anything?

No, no, no, no, no.

Not yet.

Good afternoon.

This is a robbery.

Pipe down, old chap.

I'll splash your brains right across that wonderful antique counter.

Can we have your best double room, please?

Well, they're all the same.

Now, look, we've got a load of bread and we're used to good treatment, so what

we want is champagne and special service.

I'm sorry. We don't provide that type of extra.

You don't?

Look.

See, dear?

If we get what we want, you...

Well, if that's the case, I'll have two steaks, all the trimmings.

Yeah, yeah, champagne.

Half a dozen cigars and some flowers, please. Thank you.

There, see?

Money talk.

The hunt is still continuing for the so -called heart attack taxi thief. And

today the police were piecing together the amazing trail of the wanted

Dave Hallihan reports.

It was 10 .30 yesterday morning on this quiet Victorian estate when the wanted

man burst into the home of playwright William Schooney, who lives alone.

I was aware that at any moment this man was likely to slit my throat from ear to

ear. How did you react?

Well, he was ranting to me about how he was going to get Mrs Thatcher.

I pretended to agree with him.

He then smashed his way through this window here using that chair

there.

The wanted man then hijacked a black taxi cab from this man, John Trower, now

hospital recovering from a heart attack.

I was seconds.

I was literally seconds away from death.

This kind of incident is happening more and more. And I think the government

should wake up and realise that taxi drivers should be armed.

Like the police.

encountered the fugitive was actor Alan Peele.

Well, he seemed quite nice, really.

And when the police told me he was a vicious armed robber, well, I was

Were you frightened?

No, not at all. Like I'd go and see him in prison if he wants me to.

Then he put a hole in my ceiling and said he was going to splash my brains

over the counter.

Violent stabbing that resulted in the death of a cripple on a deserted chicken

farm in the area. He's now thought to be...

Come in.

Married for the champagne, sir?

That's a good idea.

You were here on holiday?

Yeah.

Some very nice Norman churches around here.

Are you interested in churches, sir?

Why? Oh, no reason. I just find religion particularly comforting in times of

stress.

You know, I think it helps to be philosophical when facing human issues

death, for instance.

What are you talking about?

You both want cabbage?

Nothing you've done with before.

Really? Where was that, do you think?

Hold it. Don't move.

Get away from the trolley.

Get your hands up in the air.

What's going on?

That's the milk policeman.

What?

Gino's quite right, Andy. I'm a police officer.

Get your hands up.

Get a gun.

I was just thinking on my way up here, Gino.

I thought, what's the boy done?

He's robbed a post office, stolen a few cars.

And I thought, what's that worth?

About five years.

Maybe three years with... Good behaviour.

Out there, Gino, there are 50 armed bully boys offering certain death in the

event of an injury to a fellow officer.

So I thought, what would I do in your position?

Come down the station for a chat or die in a hail of bullets?

Yeah.

I thought you did that many, you arsehole.

Then I thought, you lucky bastard.

What a celebrity.

Papers queuing to buy your story.

You know, checkbook journalism.

Film producers paying thousands for the film rights.

I thought that's crime for you. Three years in the nick, you wind up a

millionaire.