Original subtitles

Hello? It's me, Jim. I've got a turkey.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Listen, could you give me a hand with it?

Why, is it a big one?

It's big, all right.

Okay, hold on.

Oh, my God.

It's huge.

It's the only one I could get.

Well, do we need one this big?

Are you sure this is a turkey? I thought it was supposed to be a pig.

This is what they look like before they've been, you know, plugged.

Couldn't you get one wrapped in cellophane like everybody else? I was

get this one. It's only because it was so big and nobody else wanted it.

It'll be good for soups and salads and stews and all kinds of things. Well, as

long as you get the feathers off. Oh.

Oh.

Jim? What?

I think this thing's still breathing.

What? Look.

No.

No wonder I got it so cheap. It's just been stunned.

It'll be fresher this way.

You mean we're going to have to kill it?

I was asking you to do it. Where's the big kitchen knife?

How are you going to kill it?

Drop its head off.

Oh, no, I couldn't stand it if it started running all headless and

blood all over my coffin.

Sweetheart, that's chickens.

Now, where's the meat cleaver?

It's in the bedroom. I put it there when you were on night duty.

The bedroom? Why?

I felt safer.

You didn't tell me you were scared.

I was scared.

Oh, Sue, no.

I heard those voices again. Oh, Sue, why didn't you call me down at the station?

I'm sorry, darling. You know we've been out on that big drug bust, and the

mortgage is covered for the next three years. I know, Shookum. I've got an

Why don't you and I go upstairs now and sort of... Jim, I told you that it would

make me too nervous.

I'm going to go fix the turkey.

All right.

Then we'll get the cleaver and you can get on with the stuffing.

Jim? Honey?

Withness?

No. Where do you put the stuffing?

We cut off its legs and shove the stuffing up its ass.

What kind of stuffing do you want? Sage and onions?

Yeah. Why don't you shove up a whole onion?

And about three pounds of chestnuts.

I hope this is sharp enough.

I can't stand to watch this. Tell me when you're finished.

Sweetheart, it's only a turkey.

Don't shoot. I'm a cop.

Corn? Yeah, corn. You know, wheat, barley, maize. Corn flakes?

Corn flakes?

Any corn in them? No, not much. They're mostly made up of niacin and riboflavin.

Shut up.

They're delicious.

Yes, and they're in the left cupboard. It's the brightly colored box with the

happy chicken on the front.

Oh.

Where were we?

Oh, yeah.

You were just about to cut off my head and stick an onion up my ass. Is that

right? Well, we thought you were, uh, dead. Oh, dead. Yeah, right.

So, that's why you were going to, uh, cut off my head. Kind of like an

right? An autopsy, yes.

Uh -huh.

But, uh, I still got a problem with the onion. The onion.

The onion, you see, is part of a weird human ritual we have. At Christmas?

Well, not just at Christmas, darling. Any time, really.

It's our human way of honoring turkeys and other large flightless birds as

well. Wait a minute.

Who the hell are you calling flightless?

You mean turkeys can fly?

What the hell do you think these things are?

A fashion accessory?

I'm sorry.

I can fly.

I could fly to Turkey Land if I want to. Turkey Land? Oh, yeah. Every Christmas,

all the big fat turkeys get a nice train ride to Turkey Land. But not this bird.

No. I'm left all alone in this huge, stinking gulag.

Turk, you've come to the right place.

This is Turkey Land?

No, no, no. Turkey Land is across the park. There, look.

See that big neon sign flashing Drive -In Turkey Land?

Well, that's it.

You can be there in minutes.

Second, if you fly.

Wow, that's turkey land.

Oh, my life, I dreamed of going to that place. And now, I'm finally going to get

there. Oh, isn't that something?

Hey, won't they be surprised to see me? Oh, they sure will. Sweetie, isn't

turkey land... The perfect place for a turkey to spend Christmas.

Well, I'm out of here.

So long.

And, uh, Merry Christmas.

Oh, by the way, don't forget to come and visit me. Don't worry. We will.

Well, here I go.

Bye -bye.

Turkey!

Ah!

Cold.

It's too cold out there. My wings would freeze up for sure.

Uh, maybe I'd better take the stairs.

Okay, you, here, come here.

Let's go to the door, Jim.

And one first move and she gets it.

Yeah.

Hello, Jim. No,

no, she's not.

Oh, I'm just returning the cranberry sauce.

That can't be ours. We never used it.

It is. I took it an hour ago.

Well, why don't you keep it and have a Merry Christmas? Oh, okay. You can't eat

turkey without cranberry sauce.

Turkey is a bland meat. Is it? I wouldn't know. I've never eaten it. When

it, I put bacon under the skin and I stew the guts in red wine. Merry

Don't pay any attention to her.

She's crazy.

And she, uh... Eats turkeys!

Yes. Yes, she does.

Oh, my God.

It's horrible, I know.

We've tried to stop her, but we're also afraid of her, and then there's no proof

because she eats the bones and everything.

Sweetheart, only if she's making the soup. Oh, I'm going to be sick. Oh,

we have to do something about this. Yes, yes, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Maybe if we called the police station.

Well, you think I believe her? I mean, where's the evidence?

If she's got the bit of eating the bones.

Look, Sue, I think if we called them right away, they might catch her red

-handed.

Oh, hi. Put me through to Homicide, please.

Hello, Bill?

It's Jim. Listen, I need your help.

No,

I haven't been breathalyzed.

No, no, no. I have a situation over here. There's a woman upstairs.

who's got this turkey, and it's dead, and I've reason to believe she's

to eat it.

No, this is rather serious.

It's a 507.

And bring your crocheting.

Thanks.

Okay, the police are on their way. Now, look, I've done what you asked.

Why don't you just relax and have some more cornflakes?

Or how about a drink? Are you thirsty?

Yeah, sure. I'll have a warm water with plenty of mud.

I mean, what kind of a world are we living in, Sue?

Oh, sweetie, there's some dirt in the pot plant. I mean, who ever heard of

someone eating a turkey?

It has been known.

Oh, I know. You know, I read an article in the National Enquirer where Elvis

actually came back and ate a live chihuahua.

In the first place, it was James Dean.

In the second place, it was a Great Dane that he ate.

And in the third place, what has that got to do with turkeys?

Turkeys are almost human.

Okay,

Phil, over here.

Jim, answer the door.

Who's there?

It's me, the mad turkey killer.

Phil, is that you?

Yep, we're coming to turn ourselves in.

Okay, I confess, Jim. I confess everything.

I ate the turkey and I loved it. I can't stop eating turkey.

I have a real problem here. I don't want it. I have a real problem. Hey, good

news. Guess what? We had a Christmas raffle and guess what?

You won it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

A beautiful downtown turkey.

I don't want a turkey. I have a turkey right here.

So, everyone's killing turkeys, huh?

Yes. The police?

The old lady upstairs?

Everybody eats turkeys at Christmas.

But where are they getting them from?

Turkey land.

Turkey land? I thought turkey land was a paradise. No, it's a refrigeration

plant.

You mean to tell me thousands of turkeys are being murdered and eaten and

everyone knows about it?

Why? Because they taste delicious.

Even the next day.

A big turkey like you would have lasted a whole... A month. A month. A month

anyway. A month.

I gotta have some bacitracin.

Bacitracin? We don't have any back addressing.

How about some toilet paper? No, no. It's a growth -promoting tablet. I've

to have it. I've got some hormone pills to help get me pregnant.

What? Wait a minute. Yeah, got him. You in there.

Attorney, this is the police.

We have this building surrounded.

Okay, switch off the lights.

Switch off the goddamn lights!

Don't bullshit me.

You know what I'm talking about, cop.

I want you to release all the turkeys and take them to the plane. There you

turkeys. It's Christmas.

I haven't finished yet.

I want something else. All right, what is it?

Bernard Matthews. Here!

What do you want with Mr. Matthews? I want to talk to him!

We can't give you Bernard Matthews, sir.

Hey, get over here. Get over here.

You tell them if I don't get what I want, I'm going to see... you down in

-sized portions, huh?

Bob, for God's sakes, give him what he wants or he'll kill him.

All right, all right, let's just calm down here. We're trying to do the best

can for you, sir. You! I've got 12 hours, cop!

Or that's it!

Okay, close the window and pull the blinds down.

Um, could I just ask you a question?

If you did get a plane, where would you be going?

Huh? Oh, no.

Maybe I'll fly to some vegetarian country like India. I don't know. They

don't eat cows in India.

Huh? What?

Are you saying that turkeys ain't sacred? Is that what you're saying? That

cows are so pretty and beautiful and turkeys are so ugly that they can't be

sacred? Is that what you're saying? No, I don't know why they like cows. We're

Christians. Can I make a suggestion?

Why don't you go to Turkey, the country?

Well, they call it Turkey for some reason.

Oh, really?

Yeah. What's the capital city?

Giblets? No.

I suppose when you look at me, you see a gravy -colored carcass with an onion up

its ass, huh?

No. With roast potatoes nicely laid out around me, huh?

No. Don't patronize me, you featherless witch.

Turk. Hey, Turk, look here.

Look. See?

Syria, Iran, Iraq, Turkey. It really is a country.

And this is the Sunday sport atlas of the world. You can't argue with that,

Turk.

Caught you featherless back there, Sue. It was a terrible thing to say. I'm

sorry. Don't worry.

I've been called a lot worse.

I think we've all been under too much stress.

Look, it's gone midnight.

It's turned Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Jane, why don't you just mix us up some martinis while I whip up a batch of hors

d 'oeuvres?

I gotta tell you, my martinis are world famous.

There you are.

Here's to Christmas.

Peace on Earth. Goodwill to all men.

Box in the barn.

Well, here you go. Oh, thank you, darling. And this one's for you. Okay.

Thank you so much.

Oh, mox.

Just what I needed for the table.

A bowl.

Just a minute. There seems to be one here.

Can you read that? Let me see that. Sweetheart, can you read that again?

Tuna. Tush.

Tubor.

Tobrel. Tiny.

Chunk. Turk.

Turk. It says Turk. Do you know a Turk? No.

Do you know a Turk?

Turk. That's me.

Is that you?

Then it's yours, man. Oh, you shit.

It is.

Oh, a paisley tie.

Oh, just what I always wanted. Don't mention.

Ouch.

Sorry.

What's this?

Roast potatoes, vegetables, and cheese.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what do you want, a couple of slices?

Sue and I don't eat much meat these days, do we, Sue? No.

Well, except for the occasional chicken.

I mean, fish.

Okay. I don't know any chickens.

It's all a matter of perspective, isn't it? I mean, some people eat pigeons.

Now, I would never eat pigeons.

And I'll tell you why, Chuck.

It's because when I was a kid, I used to raise pigeons.

And to me, pigeons are not food. Pigeons are...

Beautiful, graceful birds that fly much faster than the next bird.

Oh, really fast.

Pigeons. Pigeons are fast. They fly, they're fast.

So, uh, tell me, how often do you two, uh, mate?

Mate? You know, how often do you make it, you two?

Twice a day?

20 times a day, 25 times a day? No, Jim and I actually have separate bedrooms,

so we don't do that.

We have one of those fortunate marriages in which the physical aspect of things

is not terribly important anymore.

No, Jim doesn't want to have children, so...

Would you mind not talking about children on Christmas, please?

Would you, for Christ's sake, not bring up children? I want to bring it up. I

know you want to bring it up, but I don't want to talk about children.

Well, what about all the other things that I want to do that you don't want to

do? Well, let's talk about some of the things that I want that you won't do.

Well, the thing with the toothbrush, and you wouldn't do the thing with the

teddy bear? Oh, come on.

I've got a really good joke about a...

A turkey who goes into a bar and he walks right up to the bar and he says to

barman, Can I have a drink, please?

And the barman says, Sorry, sir, I can't serve you.

And the turkey, he says, Why can't you serve me then?

And the barman, he says, Well, I can't serve you because both my arms are

broken.

It's a film and it's, um... It's Truly Manly Turkey!

Yeah!

Right, okay, it's a... I hear the sound of turkeys!

Hey, Sue, you know, I really love the decor in your kitchen. Do you? Yeah.

a peachy blush, that's what they call it. If you wanted a beige, I said, no,

peachy blush. I love it. Did you notice? He never noticed. The peachy you got,

how beautiful it is.

The fish is, you know...

How do you get your dishes to shine like that? It was the first thing I noticed

when I came in. Really? Well, you can see your own reflection. Look at that.

Jim can't fit his reflection in the plate.

So how do you get them so shiny?

Well, I use the dishwashing liquid.

Yeah. Wait a second. Let me look at your hands.

No. Come on. Come on. Let me look.

Do you notice?

Yeah. Well, that's interesting because I was using an old dishwashing liquid.

Yeah. And I put a little bit in a bowl, and then I got my new dishwashing

liquid. I put a little bit more in a bowl, and then I dipped my hands in, and

then look.

You did the dip test? I did the dip test. No kidding.

Can you tell the difference?

Well, they're both so beautiful. No, well, one should be a lot older.

Ah, them toys will be the lucky ones.

Oh, look.

Watching. Let the dog try it first.

It's brilliant.

It's about this boy who can fly.

Oh, Peter Pan.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, watch this bit. Look, he flies around the room and then he goes out of

window into the sky.

Wow. All at once.

You can fly.

You wish what?

You wish you could fly?

Yeah. See?

Easy to fly. All you have to do is blink.

Come on, follow me.

Wee! No, Wendy.

I'm flying.

Hooray, we're all flying. Everyone can fly.

Oh Turk, I saw me a film.

I like you Sue.

I like you too Turk.

Don't be stupid. Okay, have it your way. What the hell are you doing? You've

just blown off one chance to get out of this place. If we go, they'll kill Turk.

So what? We were going to eat him yesterday.

What is it between you and this bird?

I love him.

Oh, Jesus. My wife and the turkey. Now listen, Jim. You stay out of this. How

long has this been going on? I didn't want this, Jim.

It just happened.

To think that I welcomed you into my home. You were going to cut my head off,

remember? I wish to God I had. And you know what? I'm going to do it now.

Jim, I'm still in charge here, remember?

Sit down.

Answer the door, Sue.

Well, well.

A turkey with a gun.

What do you know?

Frisk him!

Well, if it isn't my old muscle -bound friend, Chuck.

Still working out, I see.

I'll have you wrapped in cellophane yet, you dumb, flightless punk.

It's clean.

Of course I'm clean.

I don't need a weapon.

I can wring your neck with these two hands.

Yeah, yeah, you wrung a lot of necks, didn't you, Bernie?

Well, Turk, it's mostly machines now.

Matter of fact, that's my big regret.

That I can't wring a few necks.

So what do you want, Turk?

Aside from spoiling my Christmas dinner and guess what we would have?

I'm going to kill you, Matthews.

to his level.

Go ahead, Turk.

Pull the trigger.

Shoot your old Uncle Bernie, why don't you?

What's the matter, Turk?

Feeling a bit peaky?

I think I got just the thing for you.

That's your strength, Dr. Pratt.

Hmm?

Ah.

It's your favorite.

That's how he got to be so big.

Go ahead.

Make you feel all fat and sleepy.

You're gonna feel real good.

You all right, Turk?

Oh, sure, ma 'am. He'll be fine as soon as he has some of these luscious, juicy

pellets, huh?

That's a good boy.

That was late!

Roy, come off his head!

You were late for dinner, but you're just in time for tea, you flightless

of shit!

Oh, my God, what have you done?

Sue, listen.

Drop the gun. We'll say the turkey did it. No!

No? No. Have you gone mad? Come on, we're getting out of here now.

No, I love him better than all.

Sue, you've gone beyond the law. The law of man and the law of nature.

I've got to get you out of here.

No, give me the gun. I think I did it.

I wanted to do it anyway.

I've got an idea.

You're going to fly, aren't you? I can't fly.

Of course you can.

I'm a turkey. I'm a flightless bird. It's all true.

No, you can fly if you really believe.

Come on.

Here, take these cornflakes with you. Now stay after me. I can fly. I can fly.

can fly.

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