Original subtitles

Morning, Bob.

Excuse me, but the weenie fell off your stick.

Very funny, Kurt.

Thank you.

This happens to be an automobile antenna. It's mine.

Someone deliberately broke it off my car.

This is the third one they've broken off.

I mean, this city is becoming a jungle.

I know what you mean, Bob. Last week, someone stole my pantyhose.

Well, they get them over your shoes.

I was carrying them out of the store. I just bought them.

Breaking off antennas, stealing pantyhose? Who would do something like

Probably the notorious car antenna pantyhose gang.

You try getting along without your car radio. Well, try getting along without

your pantyhose.

Excuse me, Bob.

Your door won't open.

Thank you for telling me, Carol. Now would you tell me why?

Well, when I was trying to open it this morning, the key broke off in the lock.

Now, can you tell me when the superintendent is going to fix it? He

can't be done.

Why? Because.

Oh.

But I did call the locksmith. Good.

He'll be here day after tomorrow, but it's going to cost you extra because

a rush job.

Ah, excuse me, Bob, but the coffee machine's broken.

I thought they were going to fix that yesterday.

It can't be done.

Why?

Because. Oh.

Hey, good morning, everybody.

What's good about it? Oh, it's a beautiful day.

It stinks.

Oh, come on. Look on the bright side.

Here, you can't see the bright side because of the small.

That's right. This city's the pits.

Rude people.

Pollution. Sin. Well, that's what makes the city so charming.

Why don't you put a smile on your face and a song in your heart?

Why don't you put a sock in your mouth?

I'm going to the coffee shop.

of order. I just used that elevator.

Oh, you're the one who broke it.

Look, I want that elevator fixed. I want it fixed right now.

It can't be done. It can be done. It must be done. It will be done.

Oh, hi, dear.

Did you get the steaks?

Does that mean yes?

Do you know how much these steaks cost?

No. Well, the next time we have to buy some, we have to take out a meat loan.

It's going to cost us $175 to reupholster that chair.

What are you going to reupholster it with, meat?

It doesn't matter. They can't do it before April.

Why?

Because.

Oh, here's some good news.

Our rent's going up again.

What's good about that?

Nothing.

Well, then why'd you say it was good news?

I was being sarcastic.

You know, you've been sarcastic a lot lately, Bob. I mean, I wish you'd snap

of it. I'll snap out of it when we move out of this city.

Well, then what do we do with?

Leave Chicago as my hometown.

Honey, if you're not happy here, why don't we leave?

I'm not unhappy. I'm just, I'm kind of miserable.

You know, actually, Bob, it's not a bad idea.

I mean, move to a small town, start a new life. I could...

I could probably teach in a one -room schoolhouse.

What would I do, psychoanalyze corn?

Bob, you can practice your profession anywhere. I mean, I see ads in your

psychology magazines all the time for great jobs all around the country.

Here, look, here's one.

Peoria needs Ukrainian psychologists.

Well, maybe that's not a good example.

Look, country shrink -wanted must have veterinary degree.

Forget it, Emily. We are trapped.

No, no, look. Here's one.

Small college in Iowa looking for new head of psychology department.

Interviews being scheduled. Call Dr.

Edward Scranton, Dean.

It's not for me. Well, what's wrong with it? I'm not a teacher. I'm a

psychologist. I don't think I'd like it. Well, why don't you call and see what

it's about?

I am not calling.

Why? Because.

Oh.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

I just came over for no particular reason.

You know, if you guys have noticed it, Bonnie, I'm always come over, you know,

borrowing things, you know, and having dinner here. You know, just generally

imposing on you guys.

Maybe once.

Well, I'm trying to break the habit.

Ah.

I just came over to be sociable.

That's nice.

Yes, it is.

So how are you guys feeling?

Fine.

How's your parents?

Fine.

What's for dinner?

I'm sorry, I can't help myself.

Howard, what would you think if we moved to Iowa?

All of us?

No, just Bob and me.

Oh.

You're moving to get away from me, aren't you?

Don't be silly.

You secretly despise me. No, Howard, we don't.

You openly despise me.

Howard, we love you. We're just thinking of moving out of the city.

Yeah, the hell with me. I'm not worth sticking around for.

Howard, hold on. We may not even be moving. Emily just read Ned in a

magazine, and she's ready to sell the farm and buy a farm. Why don't you at

least call and see what it's about?

All right, I will call.

As long as Howard agrees.

All right.

Go ahead and make the call.

But you haven't answered my question.

What question is that?

Let's for dinner.

Ah, your resume's almost finished, Professor Hartley. It's just an

Carol. It's a good excuse for Emily and I to get out of town over the weekend.

Oh, but Bob, you'll get the job. I can see you now.

Patches on your elbows, chalk stains on your pants.

Coffee on my shoes?

By the way, they didn't come to fix that yet.

Really?

Okay, all finished. Now, I included your education, work experience,

professional qualifications, everything you've published, and your community

activities.

Carol, couldn't you make it look a little more professional? Maybe type it

bigger paper?

Ah, we're out of bigger paper, Bob. This is a bigger paper strike.

Well, Bob, when you leave for Bumpkinville...

It's not Bumpkinville, Jerry. It's Pleasant Acres. Pleasant Acres sounds

cemetery. It is nothing like a cemetery, Jerry.

It's a quiet pastoral setting, mid -rolling hills, green grass, beautiful

flowers. And perpetual care.

I'm sorry, Bob. You go, you have a good time, and you rest in peace.

Keep it up, Jerry.

Okay, I will.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

You know, I'm starting to hope I get the job.

Ah, okay.

As long as you're going for that interview, let me give you a couple of

so you don't make a complete idiot of yourself.

Isn't he wonderful?

Thank you.

Now, Bob, whenever they ask you a question, you answer with another

Why? Very good!

Bob, how about your clothes?

You've got to wear something that will really knock them dead.

Good, I'll wear my exploding slacks.

Hi, Howard.

Howard, what are you doing here?

I came down to have lunch with my best friend.

I want to spend as much time as I can before he leaves for pleasant acres

forever.

It is a cemetery.

Howard, it's just an interview. I may not even get the job.

Yeah, but I don't want to take any chances. I'd better find a new best

Jerry, just...

going to be easy to replace you.

Apparently not.

Let's go, Bob. You know, I... Oh, I'm really going to miss you.

Look, Howard, even if we have to move, we're not going to forget you.

Yeah, you know something?

I'll never forget you either.

Hi, my name is Howard. Want to be chavis?

You know, I think it's fun that they put us up in a dorm.

I guess they ran out of phone booths. Oh.

Honey, you know the motels are full all over town.

Yeah, just our luck we had to get here during national threshing championships.

What's lucky about that?

Nothing. Then why'd you say we were lucky?

Emily. Oh, you're being sarcastic again.

Right. Knock it off.

Well, I hope your bed isn't as lumpy as mine.

Well, I'm not going to sleep on the top.

I'll flip you for it.

Why don't we both sleep on the bottom?

Well, we were just roommates.

Bob, when you were in college, did you ever bring a girl up to your room?

Of course not.

When it was against the rules, it was immoral. Things were different then.

Besides, none of the girls would come up.

I don't know how they could resist a handsome devil like you.

It's a mystery to me, too.

Oh, Bob.

Listen to those crickets chirping.

Boy, you don't hear crickets chirping in Chicago.

In Chicago, if you wanted to hear chirping, you'd have to listen for

Boy, I think the town looks great.

How can you tell? All the lights are out. I think the water wheel broke.

I think it's charming.

I think it's dark.

You know, honey, I hope you're not going to go into this interview tomorrow with

a negative attitude.

I'm not being negative. I'm just being realistic. I just don't think this kind

of life is challenging.

Hello.

Who are you?

Chuck Morgan.

Hi.

I'm Emily Hartley.

Hi, Emily. Hi. This is Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Hello. You here for the threshing championship?

No.

I thought maybe you might be. You build like a thresher.

Good arms.

Small head.

No, you see, actually, Bob is here to apply for the new head of the psychology

department.

Oh, I bet you're a psychologist.

Got me.

I'm a psychology student.

Chuck, I don't mean to be rude, but what are you doing here?

I'm studying for my psychology test.

I guess that's as good a reason as any.

You see, Dean Scranton gave us this room for the weekend.

Well, then I guess I'll just go sleep at Dean Scranton's house.

Oh, just one thing.

Watch this top bunk. A couple of the slats are broken.

Getting more than one person up there, it can be embarrassing.

Chuck, how's the psychology department here?

Well, it's tough.

It's the toughest course I have.

Here, take a look at some of these questions we've got to study.

Who was the father of psychology?

A, George Washington?

B, Sigmund Freud?

C, Joseph Psychology?

D, Joseph Psychology, Jr.? Well, that's an easy one.

It's Joseph Psychology.

Come on, you know it was Freud.

I do now.

Thanks a lot.

Emily, he wrote the answer on his hand.

Yeah. Good thing it was a short answer.

You can't go through life that way. You'll never learn anything.

You know what I would do if I were head of the psychology department here?

Make everybody wash their hands before class.

Yeah, and I'd make sure that the kids learned something worthwhile. I'd

introduce them to...

Behavior modification, group therapy, gestalt techniques.

And when the kids got out of here, they'd be ready. They'd have answers

all over their body.

Well, thank you for stopping by, Dr. Rapkud.

And if we ever have a Pakistani psychology student, then we'll be in

you.

We'll be in touch with you.

Thank you. Thank you. And thank you very much for the goat sandwiches.

All right. This whole thing is a waste of time. The psychology department is

much too big to begin with. In fact, it could stand some pruning. Do I detect a

note of hostility because the department head didn't go to you?

It's not a note. It's a symphony.

Now, now, now. You know that the trustees told us to look outside rather

promote. From within. Oh, yes, and that's a brilliant idea. Fresh blood,

what we need. How shall I put this?

Progress is our most important product.

Why don't you stick your head in a light socket?

Ah, good morning.

Oh, this must be Dr. Hartley. That's right.

I'm Dr.

Scranton, the dean of the college, and this is one of our senior staff members,

Dr. Eleanor Doctor, and her colleague, Dr.

Franklin Pitt.

Doctor? Doctor?

Doctor, doctor.

Good morning.

You must get a lot of ribbing about your name.

Why?

I don't know.

Have a seat, Dr. Hartley.

All right, doctors.

Resume number six.

Yes, the recipe card.

I made it smaller because I just wanted to include the highlights of my career.

I see here that you were a patrol boy in elementary school.

I was almost captain.

Well, what is a resume? How can you capture the total essence of a man on a

piece of paper? One need only say, I think, therefore I am.

I was going to put that in.

What does it matter? Really, one man's information is another man's trivia.

Let's try to find the full measure of the man. Bob, what's the most

event in your life? Besides being a patrol boy.

The most significant event.

Yes.

In my life.

Yes.

Why are you...

Answering our questions with a question.

Why, why indeed?

You seem to be a little nervous, Dr.

Hartley.

A little nervous?

Well, um, doctor,

doc, doctor, doctor.

To, to be frank, I, I am a little nervous.

I've never interviewed for a job before and I... I'd like to make a good

impression because I think I would really like this job.

Wouldn't we all?

Tell me, Dr. Hartley, what changes would you make in the psychology department?

Well, after looking over your campus, I think I would enlarge the psychology

department and perhaps move it upwind from animal husbandry.

Absolutely right. The man knows of what he speaks. The psychology department

should be enlarged.

Well, it's always been this size.

I think it should be smaller.

Well, I think it's good that a college remains small.

Not too small.

And I think it should remain the same size.

Unless it gets bigger.

I think it's safe to say that we should try to make it bigger, but

at the same time try to retain it.

a certain degree of... of smallness.

But, of course, I'm... I'm not locked into that.

Anything else, Dr. Hatter? Yes, I would try to attract prestigious guest

lecturers. Brilliant.

Can't be done.

Uh, why?

Because... Oh.

But it's a very interesting suggestion.

Here's another one.

I think we should introduce outdoor seminars.

Absolutely right. The outdoors are the doors of the future.

Outdoor seminars.

It can't be done.

Well, actually, it can be done quite easily. Instead of holding a class, say,

a room, you would move it outdoors.

Man's a genius.

I said it can't be done.

Well, it can be done. Where there's a will, there's a way.

I really love this guy.

I'm sure you're all familiar with the story about the little train that was

trying to get up the hill. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can. I know

can. I know I can.

That little train made it up

the hill because it...

It wanted to, and I think you can make these changes in the psychology

department if you want to.

Well, we can certainly put those ideas into committee, Doc.

Who is the head of the committee?

I am.

Well, Dr. Hartley, we certainly thank you for coming.

I want to say that you have my vote.

The little train story just put you right over the top.

Oh, it's going to be good to sleep in a bed without a roof.

Oh, I think we ought to sell our furniture.

Why? Well, this is too modern for that cute little farmhouse I found.

Well, Emily, I don't know if I'm going to get the job, and I don't know if I

want to live in a farmhouse.

All right, how about that cute little house on the edge of town? You know, the

one with the white picket fence and the root cellar?

Oh, what a great city. This city is spectacular at night.

It has that cute little pine, you know, corner built -in cupboard that I could

put knick -knacks in.

Oh, there's an oar boat on the lake.

Well, that would be good, and we could certainly use the desk.

Yeah, no wonder they call it the City of the Big Shoulders. Look at those big

shoulders.

Bob, you hate this city.

Emily, you can't hate Chicago.

I mean, you can quarrel with it, but you can't hate it. What about all the

complaining you did about noise and pollution and traffic and the bus

Oh, the bus strike was settled while we were gone.

Yeah, but we're right smack in the middle of a garbage strike.

Come on, Emily. We can't walk out on our city in its hour of need.

Bob, you are going to get a call.

And they're going to offer you that job.

Now, if you don't want to take it, just tell me and I'll understand.

I don't want to take it. I don't understand.

Emily, I thought about it on the way home. I mean, Pleasant Acres is nice,

don't think I want to live there. And I don't think I could work with those

people.

Why didn't you tell me that before?

I didn't realize it until I got home.

You aren't disappointed, are you?

Well, just a little.

But it's all right.

I'll put some chickens in the den and a cow on the balcony.

And when the National Threshing Championships comes to Chicago, I'll

you.

Hi, Emily.

Hi, Howard.

Well, I met a new best friend.

Congratulations. Yeah, his name is Warren. He's a shorter cook than a

Looks like Gilbert Rowland.

Oh, uh, that's Warren.

I met him when I was eating breakfast.

Takes more than breakfast to make a best friend, Howard.

And I stayed for lunch.

Well, uh, when are you guys moving to Iowa?

Uh, we're not.

What? Well, I decided not to take the job.

Well, what's going to happen to me? I'm going to be stuck with two best friends.

I think Warren is going to understand this.

Those shorter cooks are quick to anger.

I'm sure he'll understand, just like we do. I mean, we can all be best friends.

Well, I'll check with Warren.

He may not even like you.

I sure hope Warren likes us.

Why do you hope that?

I don't.

Well, then why did you say it?

Thank God.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dr.

Pitt.

Fine, fine, thank you.

We had a nice time, too.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the little train story.

I got the job.

Well, that's very flattering, but I'm going to have to turn it down.

Y 'all, I've made up my mind. I like my job. I have, and I like the friends I

have here.

Thank you.

Woo -woo to you, too.

Oh, that's it. I've had it with this place.

I am not walking up seven flights of stairs every day. I am not going to kill

myself. I mean, who do they think we are? Who do they think they are? We pay

rent. We deserve an elevator.

Something should be done. Something must be done. Something will be done.

Unless they fix those elevators in five minutes, I am not responsible for what's

going to happen. Well, that goes double for me.

Great to be back, isn't it, Bob?

Damn right.