Original subtitles

Hi, honey. Hi, dear.

Why are you sewing name tapes in my shorts?

So you can find your own clothes at the orgy.

Besides, these aren't your shorts.

H. Borden II.

Howard Borden II.

He's a little howie. He's going to camp.

Well, then why doesn't Howard sew them? Oh, he says he's all thumbs when it

comes to sewing.

Howard's all thumbs when it comes to living.

Hi, Emily. Are you finished?

Howard, why don't you ever ring the doorbell?

Well, I'm all thumbs when it comes to doorbells.

Are you done with Howie Shorts? Well, I would be if his name were Shorter.

My name is Gordon. Why would I name him Howie Shorter?

The man has a point, Emily.

Yeah, I'm Senator Camp Minnehaha. That's the end in for a little ha -ha.

Here's the, uh... Here's the brochure here. Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Highlights of our crafts program include folk dancing and macrame.

In addition, each camper must compose his own sonnet.

Kids have to learn to compose their own sonnet sooner or later.

Boy, camp has sure changed since I was a kid.

What are you telling me?

Bob, I didn't know you went to camp.

Well, I didn't, but I'm...

I'm sure it's changed.

Oh, there's nothing like camp. You know, I spent six summers climbing mountains,

paddling canoes, camping.

Yeah, I love camping. I learned to swim and sail and ride horses. Yeah.

I, uh, I went to summer school.

You mean you really never went to camp?

Well, uh, camp was, you know, like summer school.

How? Yeah, how?

Well, it was in the summertime, and it was... It was camp -like.

Oh, Bob, you don't know what you missed.

There's nothing more exciting than pitching a tent in the middle of a

Yeah, ruffling in the wilderness, you know, for days at a time.

Reducing fractions was pretty exciting.

It's just as well you never went to camp, Bob. You're really not tight.

I've written sonnets, Emily.

Ah.

A man who cannot find his car in a parking lot when he comes out of the

supermarket is not exactly Robinson Crusoe.

Well, that's no indication of resourcefulness.

I mean, I'm sure I'm perfectly capable of surviving in the wilds if I had to.

What are we having for dinner?

Whatever you want, Daniel Boone. You kill it, I'll cook it.

I shot a roast.

Dear Freddy, determining someone's sanity is an extremely complicated

However, I do agree your uncle is crazy.

If he doesn't send you five bucks for your birthday.

Love, Uncle Bob.

Cute.

You want me to enclose the five bucks?

No, I'll write him a check.

Hold it right there, fellow charity giver.

Jerry, you're the only man I know who can hear a checkbook being opened. Yes,

sir, yes, sir. It's time once again for the annual Greater Cook County Orphanage

Fund Drive.

You mean it's been a whole year since we opened our hearts and pocketbooks?

Carol, you don't know what it's like in an orphanage. Here comes a watery gruel

speech.

Eating watery gruel from a wooden ball.

Sleeping on straw mats.

Working 14 hours a day in a sweatshop.

Doing what?

Sweating.

You know, Jerry, every time you tell that story, you embellish it. Wooden

straw mats, sweat. But the gruel was watery.

Who wants lumpy gruel?

Okay, go ahead and laugh, but these kids need money. As a matter of fact, they

need a lot more than that.

Uh -oh, he's going to ask for jewelry.

Take whatever you got. We'll take money, jewelry, small appliances.

We have an old pop -up toaster.

Don't try and get out of this, Bob.

Five dollars for orphans.

Your regular Simon LeGru.

Jerry, I think we can give them more than money. We should give them our

our talent.

Well, that's a great idea.

Jerry can take care of their teeth, you can listen to their problems, and I can

type up their expense accounts.

Hi, Howard. Hi.

Hi, Howard. Hi. Hi, Howard. Hi.

Well, now that the social amenities are out of the way, what do you want?

Well, I just stopped by to say hi.

Hi.

Well, I did it. I dropped little Howie off at the bus terminal. He's on his way

to camp.

Well, Howard, as long as you're thinking about kids, how about some money for

your good orphan pals?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Here we are.

Oh, boy, you should have seen him on that bus.

He was so excited.

Hey, you don't need that watch, do you, Howard? Oh, yeah.

Aye, sure, Andy Howard.

If I was three feet shorter, I would have gone with him.

Maybe next year.

You should have seen those kids. Oh, boy, with their tents and their

and their sleeping bags.

Orphans never get to go camping.

Excuse me for having a truly brilliant idea here, but why don't you guys take

some orphans camping?

You know, that's not a bad idea, Carol. That's a great idea, Carol. We could

take orphans camping this weekend.

Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with their parents.

Excuse me, I'm going to slip out and get a net.

What do you say, Howard? How about the three of us take some kids camping this

weekend? Well, just the two of us. Bob doesn't know anything about camping.

I know enough.

Can you mark a trail with broken twigs?

Do you know how to read a compass?

Can you find your way by looking at the stars?

No. Well, what can you do?

Could pay a third of the cost. Good enough!

Mr.

Perlmutter. You know, he was in charge of the orphanage when I was here.

You mean he's the man that gave you your first bowl of gruel?

I was an infant, Bob. It was a bottle of gruel.

Yeah, old Mr.

Perlmutter. Oh, wait till you see him, Bob. Big strapping guy with a lot of

curly hair and a... Voiced like a wounded bear.

You haven't changed a bit.

Who are you?

I'm Jerry Robinson. I left in 1956.

Well, I'm afraid your bed is taken.

What year did you leave?

I never left.

Well, don't give up hope.

There's a potential parent for everyone.

Now, I'm Robert Hartley. Dr.

Hartley. Oh, well, with a degree, you have an even better chance.

Well, we talked to you about maybe taking some orphans camping.

Oh. Oh, yes, of course.

Then I don't know about that.

Letting my boys go off with a couple of strangers.

We thought some of the boys might enjoy going camping over the weekend.

Why? Why?

When I was here, we never got to leave this place.

Oh, I... remember you now.

Robinson the Complainer.

You were the one who always insisted on having your steak medium rare.

Steak?

I thought it was a bowl of gruel.

Okay, we had steak, but we never had sour cream with our baked potatoes.

All right, all right.

I'll go and round up a couple of the boys and we'll see how they feel about

camping business.

Nice to meet you, Dr. Hadley. Nice to meet you, Mr. Perlmutter. What kind of a

doctor are you? I'm a psychologist.

Well, then I can't understand it.

Psychologists are usually adopted like that.

What do you think?

Robinson the Complainer, huh?

It's funny how traits you pick up as a kid you carry through all your life.

It's not easy being an orphan. Stop complaining.

Listen, when the kids get here, let me do all the talking. I mean, orphans

orphans. They're a strange breed.

I've noticed.

Well, here we are.

Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the Dorigo twins.

That's Phil Dorigo and Wally Carson.

You said they were twins.

Yeah, well, we're not exactly identical.

The boys are very close.

They feel like brothers.

Wally says we're all brothers.

That's a good thought, Wally. Thanks.

I was talking to Wally. Yeah, well, you see, Wally just doesn't talk to anybody.

Let me handle this, Bob. They can tail you out of North.

By the way, Robinson, my secretary checked the records.

You signed out a tetherball in 1949.

It was never returned.

Now, Mr. Primer, that wasn't me. That was my twin brother, Marty Callahan.

Well, then we'll find Callahan.

I hear he died.

Well, he didn't take it with him.

Okay, Wally wants to know what's cooking.

Well, here's our plan. Let me handle this, Bob.

What's cooking?

Eggs and bacon over an open fire.

Pork and beans right out of the can.

And wieners, get this, on a stick.

Are you?

You handle it.

We thought you might enjoy going camping. You know, cooking outdoors,

in the wilderness, swimming, hiking, you know, the works.

Well, I like it, but Wally doesn't. I didn't hear Wally say anything.

Wally talks softly.

And he carries a big stick.

Wally doesn't get it.

Oh, well, that's just a historical reference to Teddy Roosevelt. That was

motto.

How about it, guys? You want to come camping or not?

No, Wally wants a caucus.

Think they want to go, Jerry? They're not going to want to do anything if you

keep bringing up these vague historical references.

It wasn't that vague. It got Teddy Roosevelt elected.

Okay, Wally's decided.

Get a cast. Maybe next time, okay?

Oh. Okay, well, where's a nice meeting, guys? Hey, wait, wait, wait. Bob wants

to have a caucus.

Jerry, they said they didn't want to go. That's what they're saying, but that's

not their meaning.

I'm going to go and talk to him, orphan to orphan to orphan. I think I can turn

him around.

Okay, Wally, change his mind.

We'll go.

Well, that's sensational.

How'd you do that? It was easy.

There you go, Wally. You owe Phil 20 bucks.

Hi,

Carol. Hi,

Bob.

Any messages?

Oh, sure.

The last of the Mohicans called. He wants to borrow a cup of venison.

Hi -ho, Camper Bob!

Well, it's the second to the last of the Mohicans.

Did you get everything on your list?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

Good.

I rented the sleeping bags, the tents, the lantern, the camp stove, the air

mattresses, pick and shovel, the ground sheets, and the camp stools. Great! I

got the hamburger buns.

How's it going, guys?

Well, the hats prove it. Nennies of a feather flock together.

Howard, you were supposed to get mosquito netting. Oh, well, I got a life

instead.

Any particular reason?

Impulse buying.

Can we get to go camping with this man?

I'm going to lunch forever.

Yeah. Let's go, guys.

Let's go rent our camper.

Hey, you guys don't believe this, but this is going to come in handy.

Hey, look at this. It's got a handle on everything.

is almost ready to leave.

Ah, just a minute, CB. I have a special treat for you and the boys.

I made a quart of gork.

What's gork?

It's what mountain climbers eat.

Why?

Because it's there.

It's high protein, Bob. I can't believe you never heard of gork.

You're like an idiot.

You know, I'm really worried about you on this camping trip.

You don't have to worry about me, Emily.

Just show me how to wind the compass.

Honey, would you mind if I gave you a few pointers? You know, just to make

trip more pleasurable.

I got my gorp. What more do I need?

Now, pay attention, because you should know a few answers to some very simple

questions. Okay?

Now, number one.

What would you do if a rattlesnake bit?

Die.

cut an X with your knife and then you suck out the poison?

Out of the victim or out of the snake?

Now, come on. Now, what would you do if you went swimming and you got a cramp in

your leg?

Die.

You would relax and float and try and massage the cramp.

Now, what would happen if you happened to walk into quicksand?

I gotta try one more time and I'm gonna die.

You try not to struggle and you reach for the nearest branch.

What if there isn't a branch?

Then you die.

You thought I didn't know anything about camping.

Just in case I have to come to the rescue, Bob, where's your campsite?

My campsite, Emily?

My campsite is under the stars.

Wherever I hang my sleeping bag.

You did reserve a campsite, didn't you, Bob?

Reserve a campsite? Why?

Are you serious?

Oh, Bob, you can't just waltz into a state park on a weekend in the middle of

the summer and expect to find an available campsite. I mean, they're

months in advance.

I'll tip a bear and he'll let me in.

Oh, hello, park service.

Could you tell me where the nearest available campsite is this weekend?

Thank you.

Green Bay, Wisconsin.

How do they know that? They check their computers.

Well, that's a lot of gorp.

I want you to meet my orphan pals, Phil and Wally. Oh, it's a pleasure to meet

both of you. Wally says, charmed, I'm sure.

I'm charmed, too.

But, Bob, I still think you're crazy. The parks are filled.

Filled with what?

Filled with people. Bob forgot to reserve a campsite.

Well, if there are a lot more parks, we'll just go to one that isn't filled.

Yeah, well, we'd better, because you know you're not getting your 20 bucks

Bob, if you insist on going, you better take this with you now. It's my Swiss

Army knife.

Now, it's got a bottle opener, can opener, shoehorn, a ballpoint pen,

and a thread, and a spoon and a fork.

No wonder they call it a knife.

Just in case you get lost, Bob, here's our phone number.

All right, Emily, that's it. For once and for all, I'm going to prove to you I

can survive by my wits. Now, I want you to take our telephone number and keep

your Swiss Army knife. We don't need any gadgets.

What you're about to see is what made this country great.

Three men, two boys, alone in the wilderness, roughing for their survival.

Forgot my water pick.

Well,

he wants to know where the wilderness is.

See over there?

You mean the gas station?

No, more to the left.

Past the gas station. See that tree?

Yeah.

Think of it as a little park.

This is dumb.

I have to agree with him, Bob.

Just use your imagination.

I mean, imagine that those...

Those telephone poles are trees in the forest.

And the pavement here is a bed of pine needles. And the tall buildings are

mountains looming on the horizon.

What do you think?

I think we're in a parking lot.

All right, be miserable. I'm going to sit down and enjoy the sounds of the

wilderness.

Listen, there's a covey of cars at itself for the winter.

Hey, wait a break.

I found an all -night laundromat.

It's only 12 extension cords from here.

What do you need electricity for? For my popcorn machine.

Bob, can I talk to you for a minute? Just in private.

Sure.

What is it?

Wally thinks this is really boring.

What do you think?

I've got to go along with my brother.

Well, it isn't boring if you don't let it be. I mean, I brought along a

songbook. We'll have a sing -along.

Why don't we just tap dance around in the parking lot here?

All right, if you don't want to sing, we'll tell ghost stories.

All right, but don't make it too scary.

It was a dark and windy night. Oh, no, not that one.

The haunted house high on the hill was shrouded in a mist.

No, no, no, not mist.

You guys want to hear a real horror story?

The ignition keys are locked in the camper. Is this the one where the guy

into a bat?

I mean it, Howard. The keys are locked in the camper. The only way we're going

to get home is to hitchhike.

I'm all thumbs when it comes to hitchhiking.

Forget about the camper. This is a perfect test of our ability to survive.

Just us guys.

All for one and one for all.

Let's sing the Happy Wanderer.

Valdry, Valdry.

Come on, everybody.

Valdry, Valdry.

They love that song in Switzerland.

You need a bass?

What are you doing here?

Oh, Howard called me from the laundromat. He forgot his electric

Too late. I'm leaving.

Emily, Bob locked the keys in the camper, so you have to give us a ride

Yeah.

Uh, well, what about you, Bob? You had enough?

Never. I'm in the middle of my camping trip.

How about you and Gabby?

Well, I don't know.

Carcass. Oh, come on, Bob. Give it up.

Never. I mean, if Lewis and Clark had given up, they'd be forgotten men.

Who's Lewis and Clark?

Good night, Howard.

So long, Bob.

Thanks for the worst camping trip I have ever been on.

Jerry, I saw that tetherball in your apartment.

You better return or I'm going to report you to the orphanage.

Well, he says we stay.

Why? Because Bob will never survive without us.

All right.

I'll come check on you tomorrow.

You think that Lewis and Clark's wives came to check on them in the morning?

Lewis and Clark.

Did not lock their keys in the covered wagon.

Good night, Emily. Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, fellas.

Good night.

Look, you guys don't have to stay. I know it hasn't been much of a camping

Yeah, we know.

Well, we just figure, what the heck? Things are too soft in the orphanage.

Well, may as well get comfortable.

It is, uh... It is kind of nice here, though.

Quiet.

Peaceful.

Oh, look there. That's the North Star.

I think that's the Wrigley Building.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

It's nice, though.

Morning.

Well, if it isn't Lewis and Clark in the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

How was your evening?

Terrific.

Nothing like a good night's sleep on a life raft.

Concrete. Lifts a man's spirits.

What do you want for breakfast?

Breakfast, Emily? Is that what you think we came here for?

To get breakfast and admit defeat?

Wally will have bacon and eggs.

Bacon!

I'll be on the syrup.