All language subtitles for the_bob_newhart_show_s05e03_some_of_my_best_friends_are

Well, we seem to have run out of things
to say.

Why don't we pray?

Yeah, let's pray for the end of this
session.

This is the pits.

Nobody has anything to say.

Well, I guess I could say something.

I was going to tell us how he flunked
out of shop when he was 16.

I am not.

Go ahead, Mr. Peterson.

Well, when I was 17...

I had just gotten over the trauma of
flucking shop the previous year.

Can it, will you, Peterson?

All right, then, I'll just shut up. I
believe that's what he means when he

can it.

I have a problem.

Here comes the fat stories again.

You're out of line, Mr. Carlin. Go
ahead, Michelle.

It's my weight.

Can't we talk about anything important?

Here's something important.

I am thinking of giving up my job at the
supermarket.

Well, you, uh...

You want to tell us about that?

I just did.

I'm sick of this. First the fat stuff,
then the supermarket stuff.

I agree.

I think we've gone to the well once too
often. Why don't you dry up?

I think Mr. Peterson has a point. We've
been together for six years. Maybe we

could use some new water.

Give him a chance, folks. I think he's
trying to make a point.

Well, I am. I think maybe...

The time has come that we might need a
new member. Yes, we need a good goosing

up.

Let's get a goose.

May I suggest a rich, handsome,
unmarried man?

How about some nice -looking broads in
here?

We have two nice -looking broads in
here, Mr. Carver. Oh, thank you, Dr.

Hartley.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up. I'll
start thinking about a new member.

We'll discuss it more at our next
meeting.

Dr. Hartley, if we're looking for
someone interesting and unusual, I know

nice schizophrenic.

How about a manic -depressant? At least
they're fun half the time.

Without naming names, the schizo that I
have in mind is Mr. Horowitz in Fresh

Meat.

Whatever you do, Dr. Hartley, don't get
anyone who'll disrupt the harmony of our

little family. Yeah, nobody hostile.

Out of the way, stupid.

How'd you like a mouthful of chicklets?

Looking for any member for your group,
Bob?

Yeah, Carol, I think we can use a little
goosing up.

Oh, don't try and dazzle me with
technical terms.

No, what I mean, I think the well has
gone a little dry.

May I suggest someone, Bob?

Carol, I think those kind of decisions
are better left to a person more

qualified, somebody like a psychologist,
someone like myself.

Who, uh... Who'd you have in mind?

Mr. Plager.

I think he'd fit in beautifully, Bob.
He's a mild neurotic with compulsive

tendencies. No, Plager would be all
wrong for this group.

Oh, why?

Well, he's, uh, he's mildly, uh,
neurotic with, uh...

with tendencies that one could call
compulsive.

I never looked at it that way.

It's because you're not a psychologist.

Emily, I found my tux.

Guess where it was.

Uh, in the bottom of a cage?

No, in the basement in my army
footlocker.

Mom, are you sure all the guys at your
glee club reunion are going to wear

25 -year -old tuxedos?

Sure, we made a pledge the night we won
the all -campus fraternity sing.

Yeah, but that was a long time ago. I
bet a lot of them forgot.

Not so, Emily. I ran into Ralph Olnowski
on State Street, and nothing has

changed.

Well, State Street has changed.

He said, remember, next year, reunion,
tux. Want to buy some insurance?

No.

Well, I think the whole thing is silly.

Emily, when a Phi Beta Nu makes a
pledge, if he breaks it, he's a rotten

Smells like somebody broke a pledge on
your tuxedo.

It's just mothballs.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Emily.

What's for dinner?

I smell meatballs.

You smell mothballs.

Oh, well, maybe I'd better come back for
dessert.

What's that rag?

It's my tuxedo. It used to be a tuxedo.

When?

When I was in the glee club.

Why do they always call it the glee
club? Glee club. What does the glee

for? I think I can explain that.

Glee is from the Romanian word glee.

What does that mean? To glee.

Wow, that's beautiful.

What kind of songs do you guys sing?

All kinds.

Ralph and I will probably sing what
we're famous for, our duet.

Down by the old mill stream.

Down by the old mill stream. That's my
favorite.

You want me to sing it?

I don't.

Do you, Emily?

Not without Ralph.

You're missing a great thing.

Well, we'll adjust.

Who's Ralph?

Walnowski. He's a boy soprano.

He's an insurance salesman now.

Isn't that always the way?

That's probably the phone.

Send this to the cleaners, will you? Oh,
Bob, I'm not sure they'll take it.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Carlin.

No, I haven't decided on a new member
yet.

No, I never met your mother.

Loony tones, huh?

Well, I don't think it's a good idea
that relatives be in the group.

A private session? Fine, have her call
me.

Well, when they let her use the phone,
have her call me.

Goodbye.

Bob, do you want to keep this little
black book?

Oh, I'll take that. That's an old
address book. Yeah, didn't you know any

Yeah, but I memorized all their numbers.

How come Marjorie Killam has four stars
after her name?

Marjorie Killam.

Oh, her father was a general.

are the exclamation points for?

Uh, he made me call him sir.

Well, Edna Bailey's father must have
really been important. You see, you've

va -va -boom written after her name.

Yeah, he, uh, he was a race car driver.
Uh -huh.

Oh, and here's Kathy Twilley.

Hot to trot.

Her father owned horses, huh?

No, no, she, um, she was a nymphomaniac.

Hey, Bob, guess what this is?

An orthodontist with nothing to do.

Oh, meet Mr. Eel. How you doing?

Jerry, would you please get out of here?

No, I just want to show you one more
thing. See, I'm just not fooling around

with these things.

I'm creating a world of imagination for
the kids.

And they love it, Bob.

For instance, guess what that is?

Who cares?

It's Mr. Spider, Bob.

And he's yours.

come to visit.

You like it?

No.

Oh, so you're the new guy.

Huh? I said handsome.

What are they talking about, bud?

Uh, oh, they think that you're the new
member.

Me? What, you think I'm crazy?

Sit down. Let's find out.

It's me. I'm getting out of here. Come
on, Mr. Spider.

honor of the new member.

Well, that's very nice, Mrs. Beckerman.
You really didn't have to go to all that

expense. Oh, there was no expense.

I found it on the subway.

Where's the new loon?

He'll be here in a few minutes. I asked
him to come a few minutes late because I

wanted to tell you a little about him.

He's a very nice gentleman. I think
he'll be a good addition to our little

family.

He's not a young man.

Then again, he's not an old man.

Would you stop babbling and just tell us
who it is?

His name is Mr. Plager.

Oh, I know him.

He's a real bozo.

Isn't he mildly neurotic with compulsive
tendencies?

I think he'll fit in very well with me.
Is he handsome?

I think you could say he's cute.

Then he'll fit in.

Oh, hi.

Dr. Hartman. Oh, hi, Mr. Plager. This is
Michelle.

You know Mrs. Vickerman.

This is Mr. Carlin and Mr. Plager. How
do you do?

Have a seat.

I think Mr. Plager should sit here in
the seat of honor.

Butt out, will you, Mrs. Baker?

Then where should I sit?

Wherever you like.

Well, since my things are here.

Well, you've been in group before, Mr.

Plager, and so you know how it works.

One person kicks it off and the rest
kind of join in.

Right.

Who would like to kick it off?

When I was 16 years old, I flunked shop.

Hey, let's hear from the mildly neurotic
compulsive guy.

That's you, Mr. Flager.

If you don't mind, I'd rather wait.

Oh, darn.

I was looking forward to some fresh
anguish.

He wants to wait.

All right, if it'll start the ball
rolling, I'll talk.

Good. Make it interesting, will you?

Well, it's nothing much.

I'm just having troubles at home.

That's the story.

Go with that, Mr. Quaker. Well, there's
nothing more to say.

We fight all the time, and it looks like
we may split up.

Ah, that's a shame.

Speak for yourself.

Well, don't look at the dark side. I
mean, every cloud has a silver lining.

Wait a minute. I think I'd like to write
that down.

What I mean is a relationship is a two
-way street.

Two -way street.

Silver lining.

What a mind.

What I'm trying to say, Mr. Plager, is
that...

If you really care about a relationship,
you shouldn't be so willing to get out

of it. Me? I'm not the one who wants to
give it up. It's him.

Well, then talk to him.

Him? Yes, him.

Wait a minute.

This guy's gay.

Isn't that nice?

The world needs a little more gaiety.

I'm a gay person myself.

A lot of people say to me, Lillian, you
are a gay person.

Lillian.

Oh.

Then maybe you know my nephew, Kenny.

of homosexuals in Chicago.

Oh, boy.

Where are you going, Mr. Collins? New
York.

Well, we seem to have lost Mr. Collins,
but I think the rest of us can stay and

work this through.

I'll give it a try.

I'm game.

I am quite content.

Go ahead, Mr. Pligger.

All right.

Well, it was about three years ago when
I first met Gerald.

That's it for me.

Please don't leave, Mr. Peterson.

I'd like to stay, but my old shrapnel
wound is acting up again. Yeah, so is

mine.

Well, our group seems to have dwindled.

Thousands of you.

Isn't that interesting?

Mrs. Begman, since most of the group has
left, will you excuse us?

Oh, that's quite all right.

work on this hammock.

Now, Mrs. Bigman, I'd like to talk to
Mr. Plager in private.

Oh, I understand.

You boys want to have a man -to -man...
I

mean, person -to -person talk.

If things don't work out with you and
Gerald...

Perhaps you'd like to meet my nephew,
Kenny.

No, thanks.

Then perhaps Gerald would like to meet
Kenny.

I'll ask him.

I'm sorry, Mr. Plager. I didn't know
that they were going to react that way.

could have told you they would.

They're not ready for me.

Well, I mean, it's really their problem.
If they can't handle the fact that

you're...

I mean, they were probably a little
surprised by it.

I know I was.

I was surprised by it. How come

you never told me that you were...
Homosexual?

Gay.

It's never been a problem until now.

Well, we still have a half hour left.

Why don't we treat it as a private
session?

and work straight through. It's okay
with me.

Well, you've, uh, you've had a rough
time. Uh, would you care for, uh,

tea, fruit?

Coffee?

By the old mill stream, not the river,
but the stream. Bob, I'm trying to

correct these papers. Where I first met
you, your eyes so blue.

Brown it, will you, Bob?

practice, everyone expects Ralph and I
to do our famous duet down by the old

mill stream.

Why don't you practice at Ralph's house?

How do I look?

You look stupid.

No,

seriously. From my heart, you look
stupid.

Well, good.

I'm supposed to look stupid.

We're all supposed to look stupid. I
would look stupid if I didn't look

Well, you look stupid.

You probably looked stupid 25 years ago.

Kathy Twilley didn't think so.

Kathy, hot to trot, Twilley?

Yeah, I didn't tell you. After the, uh,
the all -campus fraternity sing, we, uh,

took a long romantic walk in the
moonlight.

Fine.

Don't you want to know where we went?

Not particularly.

Okay. Where?

By the old...

It's the blouse.

It's not a blouse. It's a shirt.

Well, it's a sissy shirt.

I bet your club is full of guys in sissy
shirts like that.

That's why they call it a glee club.

What are you trying to say, Howard?

Oh, nothing. If the blouse fits, wear
it.

Do you have a matching bag?

You know, sometimes, Howard, you're a
real jerk.

He's right, Howard.

The bag doesn't have to match.

I said join the fool's band. Oh, come
on, Bob. Don't be so sensitive. We're

kidding. Yeah, what's the matter? Is
your girdle too tight?

It just happens that I happen to have a
patient now who's gay and he's going

through a very difficult time.

I'm beginning to understand why. I mean,
some of the remarks you're making can

be very hurtful.

Well, you're absolutely right, Bob.

And I'm sorry. And I'm sure Howard's
sorry, too. I am, I am. I love sissies.

I mean, I like sissies.

See, that's another thing. Sissy is a
very derogatory term.

Homosexuals like to be called gay.

Well, I'm sorry, Bob. I didn't mean to
ruffle your feathers.

Is that another crack? Howard, I think
you'd better leave.

Yeah, I'm going. Let me know when he's
in a better mood.

Howard, all I'm trying to say is we're
going to have to change our attitude a

little bit. It's just that kind of dark
-aged thinking that have kept

homosexuals in closets all these years.
Well, they were probably in there

looking for shirts like that.

I think I really ought to go, Dr.
Hartman.

I wish you would a few more minutes, Mr.
Flick. I'm sure the group will be here.

The group is not going to show. I mean,
let's face it, I'm an outcast.

Friendless. Man without a country.

You know, I feel just like James Arness.

Wait a minute. Are you saying that James
Arness is... No, no.

I mean, I feel like he felt in the movie
The Thing.

You know, he was all thing -like. He was
an outcast, too.

Well, I think James Arness was in the
movie The Thing, but I don't think he

the actual thing.

Was Lon Chaney in The Phantom of the
Opera?

Yes. Good. And that's just how I feel. I
mean, nobody wanted to be around Lon

Chaney, and nobody wants to be around
me.

I don't know. For the first time in my
life, I feel sad to be gay.

Mr. Plager, I know things are rough
right now, but we're going to see this

through. You're not going to be alone.
I'm going to be with you.

All the way.

Thanks.

Well, where have you been? You're late.

Let's not beat around the bush. We had a
meeting and we voted the gay guy out.

It was democracy in action.

It was four to one.

I voted twice. I went both ways.

I don't think that's your decision to
make.

That's right. It's mine. So long, Dr.
Hartley. No, no. If anyone's leaving,

not going to be you.

You know, I'm really ashamed of you. I
never realized how narrow -minded you

are. Well, just go and take your narrow
-mindedness somewhere else. Mr.

Plager and I have a session here.

I think we'd better go.

We'll see you next week, Dr. Hartley.

That's up to you, but Mr. Plager will be
here next week and the week after and

the week after that.

I won't be here the week after that.
Gerald's taking me home to meet his

parents.

What you're trying to say is that we're
stuck with them. I'm not saying you're

stuck with them. I'm just saying that
we're people.

Different people.

And people need each other.

And when you realize that people need
people, you'll find that we're the

luckiest people in the world.

It's a feeling deep in your soul.

Once you were half, now you're whole.

Something along those lines, yes.

No more hunger or thirst. All right, Mr.
Parker.

I think we've learned something very
valuable here today.

Yeah, I think we learned a new song.

I think you owe Mr. Plague an apology.

Yeah, gee, I'm so ashamed.

I'm sorry, too.

I offer you my hand in friendship. Thank
you.

Oh, just say I'm sorry.

Well, I'm willing to give it another
try.

Let's get to work.

Isn't it nice to be all together again?

One big happy family. You know, Gerald
said it would work out fine.

Who is it?

It's me, Howard. Let us in.

How do I know it's you?

Howard, if you don't let me in, I'm
going to break your face.

Howard, it's one o 'clock in the
morning. Why are you watching television

You've got color.

You've got color.

You've got cookies.

Had cookies.

How was the reunion?

Well, let's just say that Bob is the
only one to whom a pledge was sacred.

I think I bought a $100 ,000 insurance
policy.

Bob, take off your tuxedo. I'll have it
cleaned and burned.

See, I mean, that is the trouble with
you. You don't appreciate quality.

I mean, they don't make them like this
anymore.

Look at that workmanship, bud.