Original subtitles

Last time on Commoner's Mug, this happened.

Do you think I'm all mouth and no piss in trousers?

I told you I wanted to do something, something I could point to.

Well, the artist I've read you down for with the piss artist.

And I'd like to propose that to the bar car as chair. I made a deal. It's going

to look after us all.

I want to buy the yard.

I'm going to make sure the lads don't touch the trunks he's offered with the

barge pole.

Is this place for sale? He's offered 15.

I've got the devil inside me of something.

You gave me that.

Honey, bloody lunia.

You've got no bloody forgiveness in you, Kent.

Well, I told me to do it. You're a good lad.

Do you forgive me?

Are you sorry?

He's getting married this weekend.

It's not bad in here, is it?

Are you rich?

You never heard of love at first sight?

Yeah, but it's in the wizard.

It's marriage at first sight. That's why I'm bloody worried for him. He's right.

Bloody hell, Nev, I haven't been there five minutes.

He's hardly had time to find his way down the local booze, and never mind

wellying it off down the aisle with some bit of toffee. I'm glad he's found

someone. You all need a bit of company, don't you?

Nev, something enjoys being miserable, can't it? Gold digging, me man says.

Eighteen if she's gay.

Hey, now, we don't know that.

Younger than him.

That's all Nev said.

Younger's younger, though, isn't it?

Can you imagine him dancing on the other side of her handbag?

Marie, now listen. Look, look, look this way, Si.

Marie! Marie!

Bollocks. Battery's by any chance?

Company phoned that, innit?

No. Well, it isn't yours. You should have given it back when you legged it.

Did not leg it.

I resigned in protest.

Here, Joe, see if you can get one of those 0898 numbers, you know. Debbie

donk after.

Ken!

Shit!

You silly sod!

Me? You prat, didn't you see us waving?

Briggs are shagged. And I know that. If I weren't footpath, you could get cross.

I'm where I'm supposed to be. You weren't looking, you were gabbing, I saw

What do you want?

Will you go out to sleep without you?

Well, I've got this do up the road in Blackpool, like a convention, you know,

all air and beauty and that. Can I have a lift?

Sharon, I would normally, except... Here, look.

There ain't room to fart.

It's built for wet fish.

Oh, I know what you're really saying.

Stag weekend starts here, isn't it?

No,

look, I'm saying... At least we got that straight.

You're taking me wrong.

Bollocks to you. That's how you want to be.

I hope you crash.

We already bloody have.

He's so wicked.

I mean, with it being day, I feel I should be at work or something.

There's crumbs in here from breakfast.

Well, that's not me.

Oh, we're on porridge.

What is it?

It's Matt.

Come here.

Come.

Mom?

What? You're beautiful.

It's a ripple.

And I just wobble.

It doesn't matter.

You're beautiful.

And I love you.

Where are they?

What? Where are the lads?

Who are you?

I own the yard.

Oh. Oh, just a minute.

Just a minute.

Ah, someone's there, eh?

Ah, pleased to meet you.

Derek Rogers.

Open the boys up.

Where are they? I need to talk.

Ah, I'm afraid they've gone away for a few days. Where? Give me their number.

No, I've been asked not to let that out.

It's important.

I'm sorry. There's no instruction.

Now, listen, you!

What's happening?

How do you do?

Derek Rogers, up in the boys' house.

It's all fine.

And you are? I'm having a conversation, if you don't mind.

No, no, you carry on.

You know where I am if you need me.

So where are they, then?

They're away this morning. But I'm on to it. There's no problem. Is that right?

So how come we're out here instead of being on the other side of the gates?

I'm sorting it out.

Nat, you've opted for the greasy palm approach. That's fine.

But if you go that way, you have to deliver.

We had a deal.

You've got your spot of kudos on the committee. Now get me what I want.

Or things will start to go bad for you.

So what do you reckon, eh?

I don't know if it's the right length, cos I don't know how they're wearing

this year, but... You're not Scottish.

No, I know I'm not Scottish, but it's traditional, isn't it? You know, kilts

weddings. Neville, you're doing it again. You're making a fuss, aren't you?

No, Irene, I'm not making a fuss.

But I've got to wear something, haven't I?

Unless, of course, you want me to just take a top out and hang it somewhere

appropriate.

Now, what are you wearing?

Cos, I mean, I don't want us to clash.

Just a coat.

Skirt's being altered.

Fine. And tell them to send the bill to me. I don't want you paying for

anything.

If you insist.

I bloody do.

Ah, well, maybe you're right.

Don't have the knees for it any more, really, do I? What about them grey

flannels? Very smart, they are.

I'll iron them for you.

Yeah, right.

Right.

Haven't heard a pissing signpost round here, then.

Ken!

Shit, sorry, Nev, I... Never do it again.

It's the lad, Sireen.

How do you do?

Look, you're busy, I didn't know. You know, it were a surprise, that's why I

didn't call first. We'll come back later, eh? No!

No, no, no.

We were just, er... We were just trying stuff on.

We were getting ready, like. I mean, don't you clear off now. Not now.

I mean, you know, you've travelled all this way. You must be hungry, lads.

I'll tell you what.

We'll all go down to town and we'll have a bit of snap.

Aye. We'll have a bit of snap, eh?

I mean, it's for lads.

Ken, she'll not be doing none of that dancing round her handbag, will she?

It's a load of bollocks.

I'm having now to do with it.

What's wrong, Dougie? Well, look at it.

Contaminated land.

Oh, bugger me. Oh, God, I'm choking to death.

Christ, that's better. Clean air.

I mean, there's inches in it.

What's the bloody difference? If it's dangerous afoot that way, what's it

to do to them athletes taking great big gulps of air just across the road?

It begs the question whether this site is suitable for a stadium in the first

place. There's nothing wrong with the red tape.

Maybe it should go even further. Good point, Nat.

But Dougie's hardly turned green and gone belly up, has he? Give him a

Thank you, Claire. It's Christine, actually.

Listen, Dougie, I don't think there's anything wrong.

I'll have a word with Matt England, Environmental Health. Maybe he can

things out.

I like this site.

Good local transport infrastructure.

Decent allied facilities running back into town.

Your land could be worth a few rob, yeah, Dougie? It's the only kind I...

Sonil Prabhakar, he's Indian.

I mean, you can see that.

Bernard Green.

I'm good, lad.

And John Fox.

Oh,

your Fox's son never told me all about you.

It's all been good, don't worry.

Well, it is a pleasure to meet you all.

It's always nice to put faces to names, isn't it? Especially when you've heard

so much.

So, where's he taking you, then, Irene? On your honeymoon?

Anywhere nice? Oh, we're not bothering.

There's no point. We'd only come here.

It's where I come with me first, too.

You've been married twice before, then.

Didn't you know?

John said... He mentioned that there had been, you know, an earlier... I

sort of thought, um, one.

Two.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You get over it, don't you?

Eventually. Well, anyway, I mean, she's all right now, eh, lads?

That's right. Now I've got my Neville.

Why's she calling you Neville, then?

Because it's my bloody name, stupid.

Only when you've done something wrong.

Oh, with that woman up Strawberry Meadows, eh?

Her that used to wear a nightie all day long.

Yes, well, that was delicious, really nice.

Very good.

Filled a gap.

Flipping heck, lads. I weren't expecting a virgin, he is near 60.

Where are you going, love?

I should get on. I'll leave you with your pals. I'll see you back at the

caravan. Oh,

Neville, are you all right getting this? Only I've left my purse behind.

No, no, I've got my wallet. Don't worry.

See you all later, then, I should bet.

Bye -bye.

See you.

Ken, you've got her.

She's got him around the little finger.

It's easy for you to say. She didn't pay for it, did she? And he runs it all

over the place.

You can't not ask him now, Ken. Not now we've come all this way.

She did seem nervous when we turned up. Like she'd been runned or something.

Ken, look.

Why me?

Because you're his friend.

Big boogers, aren't they?

Sharks. Never trust them.

Hi.

Where are the others?

Oh, they went to have a look at the piranhas.

See if Berners will feed them.

Oh, yeah, I must give them to these tickets. Oh, bollocks to that. No, I'll

it out of my share of the yard.

I must say, Ken, I think that's a grand wedding present. I really do.

But are you quite sure about it?

I mean, do you really want me to have a share? It'll be all right.

Yeah, of course it's all right. We built the bloody yard on your graph, didn't

we? Oh, thanks.

So she's moved in, then?

I mean, you know, it was just that she said she'd see you back at the caravan.

The end of the first bloody week. I could not believe my luck.

So where was she living then, like, before that?

Oh, I don't know, some other part of town.

I forget what the area was now, but I'll tell you what came.

When she asked me if she could bring her stuff into my caravan, you know, I

mean, I just... I never thought that I'd ever...

I mean, you imagine like it's one of them adverts.

You know, where you're getting on a bit and you meet somebody.

And, well, you just think it's going to be holding hands and staring up into the

moonlight, you know.

But a companionship, somebody to lean on, you know, to take the weight off

arthritis.

You do not think it's going to be full trouser activity.

Well, do you?

I mean, you're like I'm planning putting in 40 -watt light bulbs.

I mean, it bloody made my day, that did, Ken, I tell you.

I felt like putting something in the local paper.

Only I didn't think that, you know, Irene would appreciate it.

I'm made up for you, Nev, seeing you like this.

Thank you, Ken. Thank you very much.

You know, I couldn't tell her because it was found out.

And I know I couldn't tell the other lads, but I think I could tell you.

What?

Well, you know... What?

I love her.

What's that saying about the last place on God's earth?

Good access from several motorways. So is Liverpool.

You'd not stop there.

Dominic, did Land Search find any mine workings under here?

Well, you pay your money, you take your choice. We'd better get back.

Discuss the options properly.

You prefer this one?

From the road's point of view, yes.

We all yard that, isn't it?

Top spot if they go with this site.

Hotels, car parks, restaurants.

Be all over you like a pox for it.

Shame about those lads that work there.

What about them?

Haven't they told you yet? What?

Refusing to move.

Apparently they've done a deal with this unnamed benefactor.

Who shoved them a few quid to stay where they are.

I'm going to knack you right up.

What side

do

you want?

I thought it was the twins. It is. It's the joint twins. Cheaper.

Now you can have that side. It's easier to get to the thing for a piss. I never

need to go in there.

Oh, the bollocks!

What's up? I thought they'd have phones, you know, on the bedside tables. I've

left a number in case, well, anyone wanted to get me.

John, it was 16 .50 at night, the pair of you. Look, there's glass in the

window. I bet they saw him joking, all.

All right.

John, have you seen our bed?

I'm not fitting up with him. He's built like a big shit house.

You agreed to arrangements.

I didn't know I was getting a bloody cut for sleeping, did I? If you two can't

synchronise your wanking, that's your problem.

Sleep on this.

What is it? It's Nevis Present.

It's a lilo.

Missy's got it out of the catalogue. You did explain to her why we were coming

here, did you, John? You know, put a spoke in the wheel. You'll not know.

He's wed the day after tomorrow.

You'll only have to use it a couple of times. So, are you getting wed, then?

I mean, I'm not jumping in to stop it.

It seems fine.

Well, you know, like I said, he's dead happy.

I knew it'd be all right. I knew all along.

Just cos he's happy don't mean she ain't fleecing him.

I know.

About 80, I reckon she is.

Look. They've fallen in love and they're going to get married. That's what it

looks like to me.

Be happy for them. Why should I be happy for her? It's Nev I'm worried about.

I mean, you don't know what women can do for you.

Ask him.

All right, ask me.

John, we know what you're saying, and you're right about Nev.

He's our mate, so we've got to let him get on with it. To some extent.

If that's what he wants, we've got to respect him.

Now, come on. He's out tonight with Irene having a good time.

I thought you wanted to do the same.

All right, fair enough.

I'm going to check it out.

Hi, Cheryl.

Hi. How you doing, Cheryl?

No one's suffocating on the way over, then, in the squash.

Cheryl, do you want a hand, love? Bollocks. Reminds me to get myself this

my own.

Hiya. Cheryl Knox. Have a good one.

Here? Why not?

Is there a sign over the door that says, lads only?

No, I... For the same reasons you did, right? It's the cheapest place in town.

Is she all right, then, Sharon?

Yeah. Marie's OK?

Yeah, apart from having one of them stress injuries from slamming the phone

every five minutes. She's fine.

Yeah, but she don't really mind, does she? I mean, she's all done keen.

She likes me when I'm like that.

What are you after, then? Mackerel?

It's me gear, me implement.

Your implement?

There you are.

There's more to it than just slapping it on, you know, make -up. There is skill

to it.

I give of her. They all do it, don't they? You know, women.

Kent, it's like the footy, right?

There's them lads who spend every Sunday kicking each other up in the air and

upping the ball into touch, right? And then there's the professionals that you

see on the telly. Now, to a certain extent, they're both in the same line of

business, but you and I know there's a world of pissing differences.

And that's why you had to trail all them bits and bobs with, then, eh? I mean,

bloody hell, air dryer.

It's all the competition, isn't it? They always have one, a sort of grand

finale. Grand finale?

Jesus. Lipstick and crude cuts.

Well, you carry on. You'd think you were splitting the sod in atom or something.

I can cut bloody air. Oh, yeah, of course you can. Well, it's a piece of

I used to do it lad next door. His mam held him, I clipped.

When are you going to bloody grow up, eh?

Toast?

Uh, yeah.

The happy couple.

The happy couple.

It's saltier than I remember.

Oh, it must be the sea.

Oh,

it was lovely, isn't it? Absolutely lovely.

And that crab, gorgeous. It was gorgeous.

So, what are you after?

We're getting married, aren't we? It just felt like it.

I have been thinking.

You know I weren't sure about getting wed.

No?

You haven't changed your mind, have you?

Well, I weren't sure.

And I know how then I said no fuss, only... Seeing you here with your mates,

bloody puffed up and pleased as punch...

And they're not bad lads, are they?

They're grand lads.

Well, what I'm saying is, you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, and

we're going to do it at all, we may as well do it in bloody style, eh?

No, listen, Marie, look, things will be different.

You won't change.

Yeah, and I have. Look from where I'm sitting. No, Marie.

Yes, sir.

You son of a... Will you stop saying that? You don't know what it means.

You're all over, you are. I am not pissing all over. It's you.

Stagnation, I know. Yeah, all right, I know. Oi, Columbo!

Come on, it's your go.

We're supposed to be having fun. Come on.

Fun! Yeah, you remember that.

What are you talking about?

You. Moping.

Scaring on me bloody nerves.

You're right.

You're not the only one who's had a bit of a marital pissing shake -up. But if I

can offer you one bit of advice, you want to get off your arse and get on

your life.

You're looked in or it's not, but there's no you can do a pissing change

You took my boy.

You had enough?

Yeah, of me.

Here, you take yours.

Yeah, it's so bendy. Right, you say that once more and one of them woods is

going straight up your backside.

It were the missus. Not wrong, is it? Oh, no, no, she's bought this new phone,

that's all. One of them cordless jobs.

Got it this morning, she wanted to try it out. She were in the bath.

I just saw her by the Lido.

Irene. What happened? She steals.

I mean, she lifted this watch of bloody Rolex worth thousands.

Maybe it were a mistake.

Perhaps you didn't get a proper view. No.

Or she were confused.

She distracted the assistant's attention so she could do it properly.

Bloody hell, I knew it. All right. If she's thieving, what else is she doing?

Shh.

We're going to have to tell him.

Yeah, but to actually...

What are we going to say to him? I don't know, but we've got to say something,

haven't we, for his own good?

Bollocks. No, you're right. He should know who he's in love with.

I don't know.

When you're faced with it up close, you've seen how he is.

What about her?

We get her on one side, tell her we've rumbled her, get her to make an excuse

break it off.

Never not be any the wiser, then. No, you can't. He's in love.

All we can do is tell him the truth.

I mean, we owe him that.

And then it's up to him.

You got a pass out, then?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, Irene, you know, she's busy doing flowers or something.

Didn't know you were into the fishing.

Well, not really. But it was Irene, and she put me onto it. She says that I'm

all wound up and I need relaxing.

Caught up?

Not a bloody thing, and I'm getting that angry. I feel like thumping something.

Well, I'm, er... I'm glad I bumped into you, actually, Nev.

I was hoping to have a word.

Far away.

There's no easy way.

It's to do with Irene, Dev.

What? What's wrong?

Well, she's, er... Well, we're worried, but... I'm worried, er... Because I

think she's, er...

She steals things, eh?

Oh.

Thank God for that.

I mean, I thought it was something really serious.

All right, you know, fair enough.

I mean, I know it's dead out of order and I'm dead against it, but... What's

your name?

A watch! A Rolex!

Hey!

I'll bet you what you like. That's my wedding present.

No, no, she said she was threatening to get me something really special.

You know she's doing it.

Aye, aye, but, I mean, you know, I tell her, what more can I do?

Now, me and the lads, we've been worried sick. We thought that if she was David,

that's the sort of person who'd marry a bloke so she could fleece him sort of

thing. Irene, fleece me? What are you talking about? Listen, I'm the one who

to beg her to marry me.

Come on, we're talking about a lady. You know, Irene is a lady of independent

means.

No, no, she had her own company, selling these roller blinds and things like

that, you know.

Then she sold out to a bloody great chain store and she's doing very well,

you very much.

Well, how come she's Nicky?

Well, it's... It's just spiced things up a bit.

When you retire, people start treating you just like a kid again, you know. Get

out from under me feet.

Go outside and play to your aunt's content while they get on with the adult

stuff. I mean, that is why Irene steals things, you see. It's to... Well, it's

to keep in touch with grown -ups.

Anyway, I'm surprised that you lads think in that.

And I'm bloody surprised at you, John, after all the years you've known me.

Come on, them fair dues.

No fair dues, nothing.

I mean, you may not know Irene, but you've bloody known me for years,

you? So where does that put me? What does that make me look like then, eh?

Well, it's only because we were worried.

Worried means spirited, more like.

Yoo -hoo!

Hello, John.

Are you thinking of taking it up?

No need, Irene.

Like a milk on me.

It's all arranged at Maguire's. John can tell the others.

You see, Irene has decided it would be a very good idea if we all wore morning

gear for the wedding.

You know, pucker stuff.

So she has arranged at her own expense to fit us all out at a shopping town.

At Maguire's, 11 .45. I'll have everything ready to measure you up.

Very kind.

Very...

What's up?

Baldhead's making a comeback.

Bastard model can't get here.

Model what?

Yeah, Mulder, you're a prat for the competition.

You use a special model?

Course you do. You know, with hair that shows off the cut well, whose edge you

know. Nose out the front, ears either side, they're fairly standard.

Pithoff.

Well, can you not get another one? Where from?

Any road, it has to be how you used to, right, so you know which way it flows.

Eh, never mind, eh. Holler's next year.

I was going to win. Oh, bloody hell, Sharon, so you're not getting your

certificate. It's not the end of the world, is it?

It was 750 quid first prize, plus a load of free gear. I mean, I was banking on

it for when I get qualified.

750 quid for getting a short back and sides.

Don't start all that. People must be queuing out block to get in there.

Ken, you're an idiot.

I told you, I've cut hair.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course you have. I could win your bloody prize giving half

chance.

Ken, you've got about as much chance of winning a prize for hairdressing as I

have a pissing Miss World contest.

Sod you. I cut hair as good as anyone. It's not hard, that's the point.

All right, fair enough.

I'll enter the bloody thing. I'll show you. Oh, don't be so stupid.

No, cobblers. I will. I'll enter it. And we'll see how I get on, shall we?

Ken, look, I've got to practice, haven't I?

Are these the best you've got, Clive? Yeah.

Listen, a pint and a large whiskey.

Oh, and a tenner to win. Who's that doll? 4 .30, you top city.

OK. So what happened?

Don't ask.

Bloody hell. He knows all about the thieving and he doesn't mind.

She's got cash and plenty of it. I felt a complete fool.

Hey, but that's magic, so the wedding's on. Well, it looks like it.

Ah, you've done well, John. Why don't you sit yourself down just here and tell

us exactly what Nev said.

Is it too tight?

Oh, look, a wagger. Oh, come on, Bernard, stop moaning. You look bloody

Now find some shoes that fit.

Thanks, all right, isn't it?

Aye, well, you get what you pay for, Ken, you get what you pay for.

Nev, about that.

Oh, I said to Irene, I said, you don't want to go around wasting all this

I said.

The lads won't let us down, I said.

They'll probably scratch enough together to make a quick trip down to the

laundromat for a fresh tin of kiwi.

No, she said, my great day.

She will dig as deeply as she need.

Sorry. You see, that is the kind of woman she is.

Never. I always had an open mind. I said we shouldn't go jumping to conclusions.

Live bastards.

Definitely the 32.

On the same leg, thanks.

Mahogany.

What? The woodwork.

Chipboard on mahogany.

It's mahogany. Hey, knock it. It's a good job, that is. Any road.

They're all wearing it short these days. In Parkhurst they are.

I think I will go with a plain waistcoat after all, Tom. And as for you, you're

going to have to get an anti -macassar sewn into this collar you are.

I like it. There you go. Didn't get me.

Locked myself in bugs. Cracking game, Ev.

So she didn't mind coughing up for it? She'd only nick it out.

Hello, lads.

Irene, love.

Hello, Irene.

You look very nice. Very nice.

Lovely. Thank you.

So do you boys.

Right, well, we're about done here.

We were going to go on for some snap.

If you fancy it.

On us.

Well, it's very kind, but I can't.

I've still got my suit and hat to pick up.

You lads go.

It'll put you in the mood for tonight.

Oh, no, no.

I'll come with you. You shouldn't see what I'm wearing until the day. It's bad

luck. I'll go if you like.

I mean, I'm not bothered about lunch.

Oh, fair enough, ta.

It'll be nice to have a little talk, actually.

Neville was telling me you're worth a bob or two.

Sorry. Oh, bloody hell, Sunil, don't misadapt. I'm not having a go.

I'm just saying.

I feel bad.

It's my fault.

I mean...

Once we thought there might be something funny going on, all the other lads,

they were for leaving it.

Not facing Nev with it in case it upset him.

It was me that insisted.

That's why it all came out into the open.

That's why you found out.

Why did you insist then, telling him?

Well, if it didn't work out after Nev knew, then that would have meant that

two of you, who you really were, weren't meant for each other.

If he could cope...

then by the same token, you'd know you were a perfect match.

I mean, deep down, no -one could touch you then.

I like you.

Here.

Have these cufflinks.

They're good, eh?

Oh, cheers!

No need to check them here, eh?

Irene, you did... You did, didn't you?

I thought they might suit Neville.

But you're a good lad, you have them.

Bloody hell, Irene, what if you get caught?

Well, that's the excitement.

Heart in your mouth, your hands shaking. You should try it sometime.

I could never persuade Neville.

Something old, something new.

And that's the borrowed bit.

Only it's for you.

Irene?

Irene, what's wrong?

Oh, God.

She's tiring.

What's the matter?

In there. Brown bottle.

That one.

What's happening?

I'll be all right.

Oh, dear God.

Shall I get a doctor? No.

I'm all right now, really.

Come on.

I'm going to take you to the hospital and get you checked out.

We'll call Nev once we get there. No, don't. Don't call him. Don't do

What? He doesn't know?

I am poorly, Sunil.

But the doctor takes care of it.

I'm not worrying, Nev. I don't want to. That's why I haven't told him.

Yeah, but he'd want to know.

I've nursed two husbands, Sunil.

I've seen them grow old and frail.

And I've seen them die.

If not something I want Neville to go through with me.

You've got to promise me.

This is why Neville had to twist your arm to get married, isn't it?

Why he didn't want any fuss?

I love him too, Neville.

I don't want him and me to have this burden, do you understand?

Everything's perfect with us now and I don't want it to change.

Everything's wonderful.

Everything's blissful.

Can't you see that?

This is our moment, Sunil.

I won't ruin it.

Lovely, lovely.

What about my cut, is he?

I don't know.

Right, right.

I don't know, do you?

I mean, the amount of shit that gets pumped out of the sea down there.

Don't eat it if you don't bloody like it.

Hang up, lads.

Rug inspection.

All right, Sharon.

Top cuts.

613 Square, right?

What?

Well, what's up? You're too dazzled to stay out.

They're not bad. Not bad? That's with a pair of kitchen scissors and a Swiss

army knife. Like I said, they're not bad.

They're not good, but they're not bad.

That bollocks.

She's raffled.

And she can't believe what I've done.

You know, in the time.

Any road, it'll all be different at the competition, when I've got all the

proper stuff.

Combs and that.

What?

What? Well, don't not supply the gear, you know that, don't you?

I mean, all that stuff is Sharon's. It ain't optional.

That bollocks.

Well, I'll go and get a few things together this afternoon.

What? Including your model?

Bloody hell, he's right, Ken.

We're all down to the flipping wood. You can't use us.

Ah.

You're not all down to the wood, are you?

Uncle Nat, how's it going?

Oh, good.

Very good.

How's Mehud?

Same as usual.

Always complaining.

And yourself?

Any sign of work?

No. Stopping here. That's a shame.

A great shame.

Marie? What are you doing here?

What the bloody hell are you doing here?

Well, come to meet you.

Not with my idea.

You coming.

I mean, Sharon, she said... Well, Sharon said you had to go back to Wentworth.

Something to do with work.

She said you wouldn't be here.

I'm going out. Oh, you can't, not now.

Jono, I don't want to see you.

What about Sharon?

I mean, you can't let her down.

I think I can.

Marie.

I'm sorry.

I mean, Sharon, she's relying on you.

Honest, she is. She's bloody desperate.

That's why she probably didn't tell you about me.

Look, I've got you a taxi.

It'll take you to the hotel.

And from there to Winter Gardens, that's where it is, see?

You needn't even see me.

But what do I do tonight?

I've got you a finger.

Well, I thought that's what you'd want.

You know, you've got a shower and everything.

You've only got the one with Aunt Sweet, but I thought, you know, with a baby,

you don't want to be cramped, do you?

Who are you with?

Bernard.

It's all right, though.

I'm on a lie low, so it's not too bad.

I got you this note.

It's a sugar dummy.

Bernard said it were lovely.

I mean, you could have that one if you want. Could easily get another one for a

younger.

You all right?

Aye, aye.

Now, I'm just a bit nervous, that's all. He's daft, isn't he? Well, you

shouldn't be nervous on your spad night. Oh, no, no, it's not about that. You

know, everything else is like tomorrow.

You'll be fine. You don't have to do anything. It's your best man who should

sweating.

Oh, my God, I knew there was something.

Neville. Oh, soddy.

Less chance he has to prepare, the less chance he has to cock it up.

Irene.

I know that Ken and the lads were sort of thrust upon you.

But, I mean, they're good lads, and it's good that they're here, isn't it?

Because, I mean, well, it helps build up the excitement, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

Oi, Grandad, chaperones are here.

Go on, you look grand.

I see you in for it.

Irene, I would like to say... Go on.

Bugger off and have some fun.

What are you doing?

Gotcha. I read love, evening.

Having a nice quiet one. John, for God's sake, be careful with him. It's our

middle name. Come on. Look at him. Oh, glory, eh? Oh, I'm sorry, my lord.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! What's going on?

What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, eh?

I want to go and see them.

Yeah, you will do, when we're done here.

Can you get off for now? We'll be there in plenty of time. What are you doing

here?

I haven't been ready.

We're here.

She were begging, Ken. I told you, I needed a model who's there, I know.

Here? Hang on. You've been after her already. That's cheating.

Have a look around you, Ken. They're all like that.

Competitors, we're ready now.

On the arbor. Bye, Brooklyn.

products roger beautiful eyes and natural blondes let's

You be careful now.

All right.

Bingo.

You done, then?

Yeah.

So?

Here it's done.

Very smart.

Smart.

Can we go now?

No, bollocks.

I need a flat top. Eh?

I've changed me mind.

Hang on.

They do know where to find us, don't they?

All been arranged, Ned.

He even said he'd stand us drinks all night from his winnings.

Bloody hairdressing.

I mean, it pans him like, doesn't it?

Yes, I've bloody done it. You what?

Son, Ken, I've won about 90 quid on the GG.

Who's that doll?

I was thinking of you and Irene.

Oh, John, that's lovely.

Keep your bloody head straight.

It is not.

The left.

You shut up.

Shit.

So what's funny?

No,

I've never, um... No.

If there's something funny, tell us. No, it's nothing really.

Hey. Oh, sorry, mate.

Bloody idiot.

Oh, did I put you off? Leave it, Kev. Well, he's taking the piss. Well, you

deserve it. Look at the state of that. It's a bloody mess.

Shut it.

He's doing his best, right? Just get on with it.

Sin amateur.

Didn't you hear her?

Shut your gob.

Oh, you're going to make me?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, all right, I am, yeah.

Come on, then. Come on, I'll have to bury you, won't you, punty mate? Well,

see what you've done? You bloody bastard, tear that throat!

Burn it! Get off of me! Burn it! Burn it!

Form. Lost his last four races.

You were winning, weren't you?

Right, I'll get him. My shout. No, no, no, no, no.

We've still got six quid on in the GG fund.

I do not call trouble. He started it, you saw him. You ruined my chat. Don't

ruin nothing. It was our own decision. You saw the one who won it.

Where the hell have you been?

We've been waiting for you for hours.

So did Franz Bruno. He got decked by a Nancy boy.

I never called him a Nancy boy. Only because he made you take it back.

Pull your sodded head off! Don't sit down!

Here, I'm sorry, Neva.

Phil, plenty of time yet, eh?

No.

Not if you want to have time to write your speech.

What speech?

Your best man speech.

What, me? Aye, you!

You bugger.

Here, you take back off one of these for us, Sharon.

We've got fingernails for it. Nice job.

Hey, sit down, Dave. I'll get you a beer. No, that really can't be, but I've

really got to get me sleep.

Ah, sleep, bollock.

He ain't going back to his hotel, are you? He's off back to that bloody

Shall stay away from her for five minutes.

Well, it's bloody ridiculous, isn't it? I mean, it's not as though it's the

first time for either of us.

And, as Irene says, if I stay the night with you lads, I'll have to wash myself

down with Dettol in the morning.

No, no, come on, bugger you.

You're not going to make me feel guilty, you just know.

She's my missus, that's that, I'll do what I like.

Oh, my God.

Strap. There you go.

I'll see you tomorrow then, all right? All right, yeah, I see you.

Right, I'll, er, I'll get on. Yeah, I told you, it's at least I wanted.

Rum and black for me.

Best rum and best blackcurrant and all.

Best blackcurrant.

Hooray.

Hope she rises.

I've got to sleep.

Oh, sorry, I... Oh, you're all right. I'm done.

Yeah, listen, um... It's hard for, uh... the picking buyers.

You know, with that bloke.

And I'm sorry if I put my foot in it.

The competition.

It wouldn't have made any difference.

You're all right.

Fixed. Well, the same.

It made us realise, you know, them things that you said.

You don't think, do you, how hard it is?

It's like anything, till you try.

But you were good, though.

No, as soon as he hadn't had no teaching.

That's the truth.

Cheers.

Should have washed his hair, though, Bernard.

Got no chance otherwise.

Come here.

See? Like that, with your fingers.

Breaks down all the resistance in the root.

Bloody hell.

And it's relaxing.

Customers like it.

Yeah.

Plus, when you come to cut it, it sits proper.

So you can taper it or layer it and the air's helping you. It's not going

against you.

Here.

Here, let's hear you go.

Do what?

Well... It wasn't dry yet.

There.

Gently. You're not ringing a bloody chicken's neck.

That's it.

That's lovely.

Here.

Not bad, is it?

Oh,

sorry.

What's up?

Erm, now, er, nothing.

Just plugging the place up. I'll, er, I'll rinse this later.

Ciao.

Night, John.

Irene! It's me.

Now, listen, please don't get cross.

I can't, I can't explain everything.

What's the matter?

Oh, no, Irene.

Oh, my God, Irene, please, no.

Irene, love.

You sure you don't want us to... No.

No, I'll be all right.

It's not that we've got a lot on.

I'll be all right.

Well, there is no arrangement that will... No doubt.

I'd like to see her off alone.

What are you going to do now?

Stay retired, I suppose.

And what else is there?

Well, uh... You know where we are.

Aye.

Right, well, then, um... You'd better be going, eh?

Traffic.

Shit! It's an eye loader.

From George's missus.

She went in present.

Pollocks, help us!

Like a jack -in -the -box. Yeah, all right, Bernard, that's enough, mate.

This time we almost

made the pieces fit.

Oh, didn't we, girls?

This time we almost made it

up to the moon.

Oh, didn't we, girls?

And this time we almost made our

poem rhyme.

And this time we almost made our poem rhyme.