All language subtitles for bob_servant_s02e02_court

Are you sure, Bob? Frank, find me a
cheeseburger van without a bag of

defrosting on the roof, and I'll
happily, I stress happily, rabbit punch

in the testicles.

It's just a council inspector.

Megan? Megan? Her name's Megan, Frank.

And she and I are about to embark on a
glorified first date.

She's been wriggling on my hook for
weeks.

Today's the day I reel her in, remove
the hook, and fry her up in breadcrumbs.

Oh, that sounds delicious.

Hendo? What's Megan doing with him?

Oh, dear, Bob.

Looks like you'll need to pop those
breadcrumbs back into your pocket.

Good morning, Megan.

Hendo, this is an horrific surprise.

Mr. Henderson saw me at the bus stop and
kindly offered me a list. Community

service.

Frank, please assist Megan in the
inspection of our thriving local

Thank you, Bob. Megan, prepare to be
wowed. I'll certainly try.

What's your game, Hendo?

Just helping out the council in these
troubled times. Bollocks.

And if along the way, Megan, like so
many before her, should be sent doolally

the Jag, then so be it.

Hendo. I'm entering the final phase of a
scuff campaign. Don't get in my way.

It's out of my hands, Bob.

It's the jag.

Leather fittings, walnut handbrake. The
scuff lose their marbles. I'm warning

you, Hendo.

So help me God. And that concludes your
tour. So I'm returning you to where I

found you.

Megan, there's a restaurant in Canoosie
that's been leaving the punters all

quite agog.

What's she... Sounds lovely. Megan.

Why don't I sweep you up there in the
jag?

I'd be delighted and enchanted. Megan,
when I think of you, I smile.

Megan, when I think of you, I genuinely
fear self -combustion. Well, I'd better

get out of the blast zone.

I'll warm up the jag. I'll warm up your
face.

Gentlemen, this is an official council
visit.

Please, restrain yourselves.

You're right, Megan.

Hendo should be restrained.

Francis, finish up.

Thanks, Bob.

You know what, folks?

Some people think that a cheeseburger
van's director of sauces only looks

sauces. That is, please forgive me, cock
talk.

But hey, come on now.

Sauces are important. Of course they
are. You've got your ketchup, your

your brown sauce, your light brown
sauce. It's burger time. And what I like

call a gaggle.

For God's sake.

Call the police.

So, Megan, it appears it's you and me
for tea.

Oh.

Number three.

Number three, step forward.

Would you like him to see the line?

Why not?

Number three, can you please say, Hendo,
it's bunker time.

Louder. Endo!

Deeper.

Endo, it's burger time.

That's him.

Well, looking at the evidence, I suspect
the burgers were dislodged by a small

-scale disaster.

A wee quake or a highly localised teffu.

Bob, as you know, after the cheeseburger
wars, we adopted a hero -tolerance

approach to all burger -related crime.

Mm -hm.

Let's be fast -tracked to court.

Uh -huh.

And as you know, I'm represented by
Objection McNally.

I assume we are free to go.

Objection McNally.

A sight for sore eyes.

Ah. Hello, Bob.

Objection. The feds have stuck me on top
charges just as I'm entering the

endgame of a scut project. I need you to
call off the dogs.

I'm finished.

Finished? You're Objection McNally, the
best lawyer in Broughty Ferry. I was.

What's the charge?

Aggravated assault with a bin bag of
frozen burgers.

Back in the cheeseburger wars, I'd do
ten of them a day.

I've forgotten more about frozen burger
assaults than anyone I'll ever know.

Come on, objection.

Bob needs you here.

Shorted pieces, lads.

I get up in the morning and drink rum in
the shower.

Nothing wrong with the occasional shower
party. It's aftershocks on the bus.

Oh, well, that's... And the boys tell
him he'd kill a pigeon.

Sorry? But then, you know what, Bob?

Maybe this is what I need.

Big case.

Put me back on track.

What was that thing about the pigeon?
Yeah, we need to gather character

witnesses. Talk tactics.

Bob! I'll take this case.

I'm ready.

No, uh, objection.

No, you're not.

I need you to give me every legal book
ever written.

I'll see what we have.

I really don't think this is a good
idea, but... Oh, it's perfect, Frank,

perfect! Me in court defending myself,
wowing the jury, reducing Megan's knees

to body.

I just think a certain amount of legal
knowledge would appear vital. Oh, Frank,

being a lawyer is 1 % knowledge.

99 % showmanship.

Same as gymnasts and bin men. And I've
got showmanship by the bucket pool.

And now I'm going to have the knowledge.

Have you got anything smaller?

No.

Eddie, thank you. Ah, nearly.

Ah, sorry, where are my manners?

This is my swimming instructor and
girlfriend, Dorothy.

Hiya. Hi.

You don't need to do that with everyone,
Frank.

You only got that out last

week. All finished.

Don't smile like that, Frank.

It's disgusting.

Sorry, Bob.

This must be hard for you.

Not hard.

Illegal. I'm a witness in your case.

They had to do it, didn't they?

They had to try and keep us apart.

Bob, we're not together.

Megan, with regards to this much
whispered about Dilla... Absolutely not.

Can you imagine what prison would be
like for a man of my looks?

I'd be a target for both genuine
homosexuals and those who have

converted to the homosexual faith for
the duration of their stay.

You've obviously given that bit of
thought. Very briefly.

My point is that I've re -emerged as a
desperately confused individual, so

get this dinner in while I'm still
compass -mended. No, Bob.

No more contact until after your trial.
So, that's a yes to the dinner after the

trial? I never mentioned dinner.

You're into that, eh? Look, if you're
found entirely innocent, which seems

highly unlikely, then OK, one dinner.

Deal.

Unbelievable.

Bob, may I ask if you're ready?

To a ludicrous degree.

Have you read the book?

The book?

Oh, no, no, no, that didn't grab me at
all.

What I have done over the last couple of
days is dedicate many, many,

many hours to establishing a court
style.

Well, perhaps if just some of those
hours had been spent with the book...

Court style.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you
are here to preside over a case of

aggravated assault.

Today, the accused will appear in his
own defense.

The case will open with the Crown's
evidence, and when you hear the

you should... Relax and enjoy
yourselves.

Pay close attention.

My lady, my first witness is the victim,
Mr Henderson.

Here we go. Thanks very much.

I'm not sure where I go. I got a wee bit
disorientated, you see. Is that it?

Maybe give me a... With bells on.

Walk that.

That's it.

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks.

You're a... You're a diamond.

Mr Henderson, thank you for attending
today in your clearly impaired

I'll accept two banjo dardens to take a
maniac off the streets.

Please describe the events of last week
outside the... Sorry, I presume this is

a typo.

Water, burger, disco?

Yes, well, I was out driving my Jag, or,
as I often say, the Jag was driving me.

Oh, is that a joke?

When I noticed the female acquaintance
at the bus stop, I offered her a smooth

ride to what I presumed was a scrapyard,
but was actually a highly dilapidated

cheeseburger van.

It was manned by a wee guy with glasses
and a shifty, out -of -shape gentleman

who seemed nervous in the presence of
women.

Objection. On what basis? Slander. No,
carry on.

And do you see there's men here today?

I do.

That's them.

Please continue.

Well, then, Mr. Servant climbed on the
roof of the van and chucked a bin bag of

frozen burgers on me.

I suffered mind -numbing pain. Well, Mr.
Servant produced a somewhat womanly

laugh. Objection. No.

No further questions.

Mr. Servant.

You know, folks, where I come from, we
play a game called catch.

You start when you're wee and you never
stop.

Swing by Safeways any Tuesday and you'll
find myself and others, oh, many of

them strangers, happily playing catch in
the vegetable section.

And when I lose, as I sometimes do, I
don't call the police, dress up

like an Egyptian mummy.

to get a good man into trouble. I'd just
go back to Safeways the following

Tuesday and start again.

Mr Servant, are you slowly working your
way round to a point?

My point is this.

I don't know how the burgers fell on
your head, Hendel, but it seems clear

you embarked on a high -stakes game of
catch.

Sometimes you win.

Sometimes you lose.

These are the rules of catch.

And these, ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, are the rules of life.

Mr Henderson was struck by the bag, then
Mr Servant returned.

And did you see Mr Servant drop the bag?

I didn't. In terms of probability.

Oi!

She said her piece. Stop badgering her.
Mr.

Servant, firstly, you will address the
advocate with respect.

Secondly, your objection is upheld.
You're leading the witness.

I think we've heard more than enough.

No further questions?

Your hair.

Dare I say, timidly? Mr.

Servant.

Bear with me, Scuffer.

Megan, I have here the evening menu for
the money -free threshold that we've

been going round houses on.

Of course you do.

Exhibit A.

Francis.

Now, let's see.

Oh.

Oh, look at this.

Supreme of chicken with mushroom sauce.

$12 .95.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

My lady, couldn't Mr. Thurman continue
his questioning off -menu?

I have no questions for this fine lady.

Because as you've just heard, she saw
nothing.

So, I release you to go home, get your
girlfriends over and...

Help choose a frock for the restaurant
and, no doubt, tell a few lewd jokes

about the size of my... You know what.

This is anus.

I am the medical director of Broughty
Ferry.

During the cheeseburger wars, we dealt
with up to 20 cheeseburger -related

injuries a day.

So you studied the case?

Yes.

Mr. Henderson shows signs of a classic
cheeseburger assault, frozen, from

at high speed.

No more questions.

All right, Doc.

Bob. So, you're an impartial witness.

That's correct, Bob.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

In 1982, you and I met two sisters at
the bowling club disco.

One was at the top drawer.

The other emerged from a somewhat lower
drawer and walked with a

pronounced limp.

Now, I'm not going to say who bagged
which sister, but your walk home that

must have taken many, many hours.

Is this relevant?

My lady! It's open to the defence to
seek to determine whether there is

bias on behalf of the witness.

You said it, boss.

No more questions.

Bob, may I say, you are performing
superbly.

At this rate, Frank, we'll be home by
lunchtime.

Mr Servant, please take the stand.

I hope they've tied the roof down,
folks, because I might just tack it off.

How would you describe yourself, Mr
Servant?

Oh, just a wee lad, February 30.

I got lucky.

I meant professionally.

Cheeseburger Svengali.

And what made you throw the burgers onto
Mr Henderson?

Well, during the cheeseburger wars, I
fought what is known as a guerrilla

campaign, which often involved the use
of the quadruple bluff.

You won't get me that easy.

Fine.

Did you throw the burgers? No.

Who did? No idea.

That's your evidence.

I think the roof's intact.

Not all witnesses come with storytelling
ability.

Crafting a story, the twists and turns,
it's a rare talent and...

Clearly one that Mr Servant sadly lacks.

There was another man on the roof of the
van.

You're aware that you are contradicting
your police statement.

That's the twist.

And who was this other man?

Sid. Sid? Sid.

Tell me more about Sid.

I only met him last week. How?

I was coming home from Stupot's bar when
Sid approached me in an alleyway and

said he'd had great things about the
Whataburger disco and asked for a job.

can you describe Sid?

Not really.

Average body.

I never really saw his face.

You never saw his face?

Well, the thing is that Sid, for
whatever reason, goes through life

entirely covered in mud.

Apart from his eyes.

And his miss.

Okay, Mr. Servant, let me just get this
straight.

On the way home from a public house, you
met a complete stranger in an alley who

was comprehensively covered in mud.

And your reaction was to give him a job?

Correct.

Why? I believe in miracles.

You didn't find his behaviour odd?

I thought that was just said.

Being said. So, your defence today has
shifted spectacularly to the assertion

that the bag of frozen burgers was
thrown from the roof of the van by a

-covered man called Sid, who no one else
happened to see.

Er, well, hang on a minute.

Let's go back. Sid was on the roof with
you. One of you threw the burgers.

Who was it?

Sid.

My lady, that closes the Crown's case.

Ob, I beg you to forgive my language,
but what in God's name was that

shite about Fred?

I felt like I was on the moon looking
down in the courtroom and thinking, why

does that moron not stop talking?

And the moron, Frank, the moron was me.

I say that I'm a great fan of your
stories, Bob, but Sid, as a character,

didn't feel believable.

I'm in trouble, Frank.

I'm in an enormous amount of trouble.

Bob, although I have the utmost
confidence in your legal skills, I

took it upon myself, just as a wee
precaution, to tell objection to get

character witnesses.

No, Frank.

I've got a better plan.

A biscuit for the tom -tom?

We can't talk.

Shh.

Bob and I were thinking that if there
are this nonsense, you could do with a

break.

How would you like us to send you on
a...

..off -peak, self

-catering mini -break in a static
caravan in Port Laughery?

I suggest you leave.

I suggest you think about the sun in
your face and the wind.

In your hair, nothing's this freedom
like a static caravan.

That stuff I once said was a bit...
Ridiculous. ...ahead of its time.

Bob, just plead guilty. You'd probably
get community service.

Oh, Megan.

You're not the sort of woman to be
sitting down to your tea with a

criminal. It's not about me, Bob.

I respectfully disagree.

Call objection.

Mr Servant, I invite you to present the
case for the defence.

Do you have a defence?

Turn down.

It's this man they call Bob Seven.

Man's man.

Rogues charm.

The kind of guy you wouldn't mind
sitting next to in the bus.

In fact, you'd be delighted. Correct.

Now, Mr McNally, you spent yesterday
scouring Broughty Ferry, collecting

of character witnesses on my behalf.

That was the plan.

Unfortunately, I was sidetracked by an
intriguing offer on dark rum in

bar. However, I did meet a fascinating
man in a red jumper.

And?

Well, he didn't know you, Bob, but he
did like rum.

So once me and him sort of fell into
sync,

things got a wee bit out of hand.

I think we're straying a wee bit from
the point. We had a few cans on the

Then we were running through the park,
just laughing, really.

And then he had to go to work. Oh, and
then things got really bad after that,

Bob. I remember being chased by a white
-haired woman with a grudge.

And then a cyclist gave me absolute
pelter. Mr Servant, this case is

the air of a farce. I couldn't agree
more.

And then the next thing you know, I was
in the bath.

And I'm thinking, well, thank God that's
over, you know?

And then I remembered, Bob, I don't have
a bath.

Stop talking, Objection.

Just stop talking.

My lady, we have no questions for Mr
McNally, and note our surprise that the

defence doesn't have another witness
listed.

We were hoping to hear from someone else
who'd met the mysterious...

Sid.

Mr. Servant, are we to assume you've
concluded your defence?

No.

I have a new witness who will tongue
this whole fraggle on its head.

No way, Bob. No way, Jose.

Frank, if I get banged up... Then the
Whataburger disco goes bust. I'm credit

crunched. It's back. We're up to see
Frank. We'll take the van.

That's the first thing we'll take. Bob,
I can't. And then Megan will head for

the house. It's all right for you with
your girlfriend and your kamasutra. It's

perjury, Bob.

I'm no legal eagle, but I know that's
heavily frowned upon.

What's going on?

Nothing. Bob wants me to say I saw the
third guy.

That's perjury. Oh, so everyone's a
perjury expert now. Don't even think

it. What's wrong with you?

Frank, listen to your boss.

No, Frank.

Listen to your fiancée.

You're what?

My lady, I object to this late addition.
I'll allow it in the faint hope of

speeding up this case. You may proceed.

So, I believe you're newly engaged.

Yes.

To my swimming instructor and fiancée,
Dorothy.

Were you planning on telling your best
pal? Mr. Servant.

I don't know what's going on here, and I
can't stress enough how much I don't

want to, but do we have a chance,
however slim, of a relevant question?

Yes, Captain, we do.

Francis, when you were on the pier that
fateful day,

did you happen to see a man called Sint
drop a bag of burders

on Mr Henderson?

Well, I... My lady, the police interview
is very clear.

The witness will answer.

I think... I think that at the

end of the day, when all's said and
done, that I

might have... No.

No, Frank.

You did not see Sid.

But it was nice of you to think that
maybe you did.

In summary, you have a simple choice.

Do you think Mr. Servant dropped the
frozen burgers?

Or do you think they were dropped by...
Sid?

That is not a good sign.

My lady.

The prosecution rests.

You know, we have a saying in Broy
Ferry.

When someone has a huge success or a
lovely experience, they say they've had

a Bob Servant moment.

Absolutely nonsense. No, it's so
nonsense. We do.

No, we don't.

We do.

No, we don't. We do.

No, we do not. We absolutely do.

That is it, Mr. President. I rang the
jury in your closing remarks. Okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, Bob Shepard,
give up.

They've got me.

I'm going to the big house with the bars
on the windows.

Banned up with the baddies.