All language subtitles for The.Aristocrats.2005.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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George Carlin:
THE JOKE LEADS
ME DOWN ONE PATH,

AND THEN IT SWITCHES
THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY,

AND IT HITS ME
WITH A HAMMER.

IT'S JUST,
"HERE WE GO, FOLKS."

YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED
YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE
DOING IT RIGHT,

ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC
AS YOU CAN.

AND BAM!

BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE
A TITLE AS YOU CAN.

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

THE WHAT?

I'VE HEARD THE JOKE,

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER
WHAT WAS SO BAD.

I REMEMBER THAT I FAINTED.

David Brenner:
THAT JOKE'S BEEN AROUND.

"THE ARISTOCRATS" IS
ALWAYS LIKE A CLASSIC.

IN FACT, THEY TOLD IT ON...
I THINK IT WAS THE "NINA"

OR THE "PINTA" ON
THE "SANTA MARIA"

WHEN COLUMBUS WAS
CROSSING THE OCEAN.

AND I THINK LINCOLN TOLD
ME. I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

I WAS AT THE THEATRE AT
THE TIME. I WAS AN USHER.

OF ALL THE JOKES TO DO
A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT,

YOU CHOSE THIS ONE?

Michael McKean:
THERE WAS THIS
SECRET SOCIETY:

CHEVY CHASE AND
MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE,

I THINK JOHN BELUSHI
AND SOME OTHERS,

THEY HAD THIS
COVEN OF... PEOPLE

WHO WOULD TELL THIS JOKE
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

CHEVY CHASE SUPPOSEDLY
USED TO HAVE PARTIES,

AND THE CRITERIA
WAS, YOU HAD THE MOM,

THE DAD, THE SON, THE
DAUGHTER, AND A DOG.

AND YOU HAD TO TALK WITH
SOME COMBINATION OF THAT

WITHOUT REPEATING YOURSELF;

IF YOU REPEATED YOURSELF
YOU WERE OUT.

THE IDEA WAS THAT
WE GOT TO BREAK
A HALF AN HOUR.

YOU KNOW, WE
GOT TO GET...

WE GOT TO MAKE
THIS JOKE LAST

MORE THAN
A HALF AN HOUR.

AND I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER THEY EVER DID.

APPARENTLY O'DONOGHUE
CAME CLOSE.

BUT DIED IN
THE ATTEMPT.

NOT WELL KNOWN.

I HEARD MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE

DID IT FOR 90 MINUTES ONCE.

Billy Connolly:
IT'S THE ONLY JOKE I KNOW

THAT PEOPLE TALK ABOUT.

I'M ALWAYS SHOCKED WHEN
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS JOKE.

IT IS A PERVASIVE JOKE.

IT WAS A BURLESQUE
KIND OF A JOKE.

IT HAD BEEN KICKED
AROUND A LOT, YOU KNOW.

I REMEMBER IT, THE SAME
YOU REMEMBER ANY FIRST,

LIKE THE FIRST TIME
YOU HEAR A CUT FROM
A LENNY BRUCE ALBUM.

IT WAS SHOCKING!
YOU'D NEVER HEARD THAT.

I HEARD IT FROM A GENTLEMAN

WHO WAS RUNNING
"SECOND CITY" IN CHICAGO.

AT UCLA, WORKING ON
THE HUMOUR MAGAZINE.

THE EDITOR AT THE
TIME TOLD ME THE JOKE.

BILL HICK. THAT'S
WHERE I HEARD IT.

I THINK I FIRST HEARD
"THE ARISTOCRATS"

WHILE DOING BLOW IN
"CATCH A RISING STAR"
WITH RICHARD BELZIER.

THIS JOKE WAS A FRIEND OF
EVERY COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD.

Chris Albrecht:
I FIRST WENT TO
THE IMPROV NIGHTCLUB

IN NEW YORK IN '73, DID
SOME STAND-UP COMEDY THERE,

BECAME THE MANAGER
AND GOT TO MEET

THE BEST YOUNG COMEDIANS
OF THAT TIME.

GOT A REAL EDUCATION
IN THE COMEDY WORLD,

AND ONE OF THE
THINGS THAT WAS ALWAYS
EXTREMELY CONSISTENT

WHEREVER YOU WENT WAS
"THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

I HAD HEARD ABOUT
"THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

WE DO COMEDY, AND WE WORK
PLACES THAT HAVE COMEDY,

BUT WE'RE ALSO IN
THE MAGIC WORLD,

SO WE ALWAYS, ARE
KIND OF OBSERVERS
OF THE COMEDY WORLD.

AND THERE WAS
ALWAYS THIS SECRET
HANDSHAKE OF...

OF A WHOLE
CULTURE THING

THAT'S... WAS,
TO ME, SYMBOLIZED

BY THE JOKE,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

I DON'T THINK COMICS

SHOULD BE THAT PROUD,

QUITE FRANKLY,

ABOUT REPEATING A JOKE
THAT'S BEEN GOING ON

SINCE BUD FRIEDMAN
OPENED THE FIRST IMPROV

IN... NEXT TO THE
PYRAMIDS. YOU DIG?

I DON'T THINK COMEDIANS TOLD
THIS KIND OF JOKE ON STAGE.

HOW MANY PEOPLE
TELL JOKES ON STAGE?

PEOPLE USUALLY HAVE ROUTINES

OR THEY STRING TOGETHER
SMALL, SHORT OBSERVATIONS.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T DO
JOKE-JOKES ON STAGE EVER.

THAT'S THE TOTAL
KISS OF DEATH

'CAUSE YOU'RE VIEWED
AS THE BIG OLD HACK.

YOU KNOW THE WAY THOSE
URBAN LEGENDS GO?

EH, THE PEOPLE
ALWAYS KNEW SOMEBODY

WHO SAW THIS GUY DOIN' IT,

BUT I NEVER SAW ANYONE
PERFORMIN' IT.

IT'S THE KIND OF JOKE
THAT YOU LOVE TELLIN'
OTHER COMICS.

WE WOULD JUST TELL
THEM TO EACH OTHER,

AND THEY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH OUR ACT.

IT WAS THIS KIND OF THING
THAT YOU WOULD SHARE

WITH THE... WITH
THE MUSICIANS.

IT JUST REMAINED IN THE
BUSINESS, SWIRLING ROUND.

A LOT OF THE FUNNIEST
STUFF HAPPENED

ACTUALLY AFTER
THE AUDIENCE LEFT.

WE'RE DIFFERENT,
WE'RE IN HERE,

IT'S... THERE'S NO RULES.
THE HEADMASTER WENT HOME.

WE GOT THE DORMITORY
TO OURSELVES.

"WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
THIS," YOU KNOW?

I HAVE A RECOLLECTION
OF THE JOKE BEING TOLD

AT ABOUT 4:30, 5:00
O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING

FOR A BUNCH OF COMEDIANS.

AND YOU ALWAYS SAVED
IT, LIKE A POWERHOUSE.

THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE
TOPPERS THAT YOU
COULD PULL OUT.

THERE WAS ALMOST, LIKE,
A CHORUS OF THE PUNCHLINE.

YOU KNOW, "AND
WHAT'S IT'S CALLED?"

BUT THE JOKES THAT WE
USED TO LOVE TELLING,

AND THE JOKES THAT I ALWAYS
LOVED, WERE THESE JOKES

THAT HAVE THIS BODY OF
PERFORMANCE IN THE MIDDLE.

IT'S A SHOW-OFFY KIND
OF AN INSIDE THING FOR...

FOR PERFORMING COMICS.

GARY SHANDLING
TOLD IT TO ME;

I THINK IT'S THE WAY I TOLD
IT, WORD FOR WORD, TO EMO,

WHICH IS PROBABLY LIKE PLAYING
THE TELEPHONE GAME.

THERE'S THE BASIC FRAMEWORK,

BUT THEN EVERY COMEDIAN
PUTS HIS OWN IMPRIMATUR
ON THE JOKE

AND REALLY MAKES
IT THEIR OWN.

I DON'T KNOW THE
STANDARD TELLING

OF THIS JOKE ANY
MORE. IT'S LOST.

WELL, IT'S A
VAUDEVILLE AGENT.

JAY MARSHALL IS
THE DEFINITIVE
JOKE-TELLER ON THAT,

EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOT
KNOWN AS A COMEDIAN,

BECAUSE HE IS FROM
THE VARIETY ARTS.

JAY MARSHALL TURNS
OUT TO BE THE ONE

WHO TELLS THE ARISTOCRATS
JOKE FOR THE LEGMAN BOOK.

IT'S THE LAST
STORY IN THE BOOK.

HE GETS THE WHOLE
THING ACROSS IN TWO
OR THREE SENTENCES.

A VAUDEVILLE AGENT
IS INTERVIEWING ACTS,

AND AN ACT COMES IN. HE
SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

AND HE SAYS, "WELL, MY
WIFE AND I COME OUT

AND TAKE OUR CLOTHES OFF,

THEN WE SHIT ON THE STAGE

AND THE KIDS COME OUT
AND WALLOW IN IT."

HE SAYS, "WHAT KIND OF
AN ACT DO YOU CALL THAT?"

HE SAYS, "WE CALL
IT 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

THE JOKE SUCKS!

YOU SUCK FOR
HAVING THE IDEA

OF PUTTING THIS
ON A DOCUMENTARY!

I HATE THE JOKE.

THE PIECE OF SHIT, STOLEN,
PRETEND-TO-BE HUMOUR.

ALTHOUGH THE
PREMISE IS FUNNY.

LET ME JUST... LET ME
BACKTRACK JUST A BIT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S A
PERFECTLY CRAFTED JOKE.

IT'S GOT A TWO
WORD PUNCH LINE...

AND SINCE THE
MIDDLE IS OPEN

YOU CAN DO
ANYTHING WITH IT.

IT'S LIKE A JAZZ THEME.
THERE'S THE BASIC MELODY

BUT ANYBODY CAN
IMPROVISE ON IT.

AND I CANNOT REMEMBER,
FOR THE LIFE OF ME,

WHAT THE DETAILS
OF THE ACT WERE.

I JUST KNEW, AS
I WAS HEARING IT,

YOU COULD DO WHAT
YOU WANT WITH IT,

AS LONG AS YOU GOT TO THE...
"WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

YOU JUST WANT TO
SHOCK THE PEOPLE

SO THAT WHEN YOU COME
BACK, THE JUXTAPOSITION

OF WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
BECOMES THE LAUGH.

IT'S FILLED WITH VULGARITY.

IT'S NOT KIND OF VULGAR.
IT'S... IT'S REVOLTING.

YOU'RE DISGUSTING

AND THEN THE
PUNCHLINE.

AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE
IS SORT OF UPLIFTING.

THE MORE VULGAR IT IS,

THE MORE IRONIC BECOMES
THE PUNCHLINE.

THE MORE GROTESQUERIES,
THE BETTER OF IT.

THAT'S THE CRAFT OF...
THE ART IS... IS HOW
YOU MAKE THAT TURN.

THAT'S THE THING YOU
CAN'T... YOU CAN'T BOTTLE,

'CAUSE THAT'S A
PERFORMANCE THING.

GUY GOES IN THE AGENT'S
OFFICE AND HE SAYS,

"I GOT AN ACT FOR YOU.
WAIT'LL YOU HEAR THIS."

THE GUY SAYS, "ALL RIGHT,
TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT
IT. WHAT'S THE ACT?"

HE SAYS, "MY WIFE AND
I COME OUT ON STAGE.

I'VE TAKEN A LOT
OF, UH, MEDICINE

PRIOR TO THE APPEARANCE,

AND I'VE EATEN A LOT
OF CABBAGES AND THINGS.

SHE LIES DOWN ON STAGE.

I SQUAT OVER HER,
I PULL DOWN MY PANTS,

AND I SHIT IN HER MOUTH
IT'S MOSTLY LIQUID.

IT'S, UH, LIKE
A DIARRHEIC THING.

I TRY TO INCLUDE CORN
AND THINGS THAT WILL
NOT BREAK DOWN

IN THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM;
PEANUTS, OF COURSE.

I TRY TO GET A LOT
OF SOLID OBJECTS

SO THAT THERE'S A
LITTLE ACTION TOO,

IT'S NOT JUST A STREAM
OF BROWN LIQUID.

AND IT ALL GOES
INTO... MOST...

I CAN HIT HER
MOUTH PRETTY WELL.

I DO HAVE ONE POLYP.

I HAVE A LARGE, KIND OF
A HAEMORRHOIDAL POLYP

THAT SOMETIMES THROWS MY AIM
OFF AND I HAVE TO KIND OF...

IT'S KIND OF LIKE
KENTUCKY WIND-ISH,

BUT I CAN USUALLY GET
IT 'CAUSE I CAN HEAR

WHETHER IT'S HITTING
THE HOLLOW AREA OF
HER THROAT OR NOT.

SO, I GET AS MUCH
AS I CAN IN THERE

AND THEN SHE GARGLES WITH
IT. WE HEAR THE GARGLING.

SHE'S GARGLING, GARGLING,
AND THEN SHE SWALLOWS IT.

AND, UH, WE'RE OFF. IT'S
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES TOTAL."

AND THE GUY SAYS, "OH.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"

HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS."

I WAS MAKING THAT UP.
I GUESS YOU COULD TELL.

THE FUN OF IT IS WHEN YOU
IMPROVISE ON THE GROSSNESS.

DOING THE JOHN COLTRANE
VERSION OF THIS.

THIS JOKE WAS A JOY
FOR COMICS TO TELL

MAINLY BECAUSE IT WAS
SUCH A FOUL CHUNK OF TIME

THAT YOU COULD JUST
BE DESCRIBING THE
MOST FOUL THINGS,

AND THERE'S NOTHING THAT
YOU COULD COME UP WITH
THAT WOULD BE WRONG.

IT'S A BLANK, UH, SLATE,
AND YOU GET TO PLAY.

YOU GET TO PLAY.

HOW SCREWED UP... HOW MANY
NEW THINGS COULD YOU THINK OF

TO MAKE THIS GROUP OF
PEOPLE TRULY BIZARRE?

WHETHER IT'S A SHUFFLEBOARD
UP A NICE ANIMAL'S BEHIND

OR WHETHER PEOPLE ARE
SWIMMING IN MANURE...

A YOUNG GIRL
COMES ON STAGE

SINGING
"NEARER MY GOD TO THEE"

WHILE JUGGLING TORCHES.

THESE ARE MY TWO
CHILDREN. THEY PASS GAS

TO THE TUNE OF
"WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"
IN UNISON!

ONE OF THE SONS IS PLAYING
A XYLOPHONE WITH HIS COCK.

THEY HAVE A MIDGET UNCLE

WITH THREE DICKS COMING
OUT OF HIS HEAD.

I COME OUT
DRESSED AS HITLER

IN CROTCH-LESS PANTIES.

I AM CATCHING THE
PING PONG BALLS,

AND I'M CATCHING
THEM IN MY ASS.

HE CUMS ON MY WIFE'S TITS.

WE WAIT, LIKE, A HALF
AN HOUR TILL IT HARDENS,

THEN I CHIP IT
OFF WITH A CHISEL.

SIX MIDGETS COME OUT...

THEY HAVE SEX
IN A KIDDIE POOL

FULL OF BEEF ENTRAILS
AND ABORTED FETUSES.

LITTLE MIDGETS, THEY
ALL START CUMMING,

ONE BY ONE.

AND SHOOT FOUNTAINS OF
JIZM INTO $100 SEATS.

YOU KNOW THE
FOUNTAINS OUTSIDE
THE BELLAGIO,

HOW THEY'RE COORDINATED
LIKE THAT?

THAT WAS EXACTLY
WHAT THESE GUYS
PULLED OFF.

MY GRANDMOTHER, ON THE
STAGE, HAS AN ABORTION!

GIVES BIRTH TO A THREE-
POUND SHETLAND PONY!

THE KIDS ARE SIAMESE TWINS
ATTACHED AT THE ASS.

MY GRANDFATHER
IS THE JOCKEY.

COMES IN THIRD
AND PAID 280!

THE SIAMESE TWINS GIVE
EACH OTHER REACH-AROUNDS

AND JERK EACH OTHER OFF.

Man:
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHETHER THE OBJECT

IS TO BE AS OFFENSIVE
AS POSSIBLE

OR WHETHER TO USE
IT JUDICIOUSLY IN
THE RIGHT PLACES

AS A BUILD-UP TO
THE PUNCHLINE.

I ALWAYS LIKE TO EXPLAIN
HOW TO TELL THE JOKE

SINCE EVERYBODY'S... YOU
ALREADY HEARD THE JOKE.

SO THIS IS HOW YOU... WHEN
YOU WANT TO TELL THE JOKE,

YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE
IT'S JUST REALLY FILTHY,

THE FILTHIER THE BETTER.

A GUY GOES INTO A
TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE,

HE SAYS, "I HAVE THE
GREATEST ACT IN THE WORLD."

TALENT AGENT SAYS,
"WHAT'S THE ACT?"

THAT'S ALL YOU
GOT TO MEMORIZE.

YOU COULD AD LIB RIGHT
UP TO THE PUNCHLINE.

ALL YOU HAD TO DO IS
REMEMBER ONE WORD.

AND THE REST OF IT IS, YOU
MAKE... I ALWAYS MAKE IT UP.

EVERY TIME I TELL IT,
IT'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

THEY WOULD BE NAKED.

IT WOULD HAVE SOMETHING
TO DO WITH PEEING.

WE'RE HIGH-FLYING
TRAPEZE PERFORMERS,

WE FLY OVER THE AUDIENCE
DOING TRIPLE GAINERS.

WE PISS OVER THE
FIRST THREE ROWS.

INCLUDE FECES.

HE TAKES A CRAP
ON THE STAGE,

JUMPS IN THE PILE
OF SHIT...

AND THEY TAKE
A BIG GROUP SHIT.

THE WOMEN SLIDE
ON THEIR ASSES

ALL THE WAY UP
THROUGH THIS SHIT.

WE JUST ROLL
AROUND IN THE SHIT.

AND THEY JUST START SKATING
IN THE SHIT, SKATING...

YOU KNOW PEOPLE
SKATE IN SHIT?

DABBLES IN THE SHIT AND
THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE,

AND DABBLES IN THE PISS
AND THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE.

WABBLING IN THE
SHIT AND THE PISS

AND THEY'RE WAPPING
IN EACH OTHER'S FACES!

ONE OF THEM
TAKES A SHIT,

AND THEY ALL...
AND EVERYBODY
SLIDES THROUGH IT.

THEY ALL DO.
THEY SLIDE...

DID THEY END UP IN
THE SPLITS IN THE SHIT?

THEY GO INTO THE SPLITS

AND THEY HAVE
A BIG FINISH...
BUT THAT'S THE...

THAT'S THE FINISH?

I THOUGHT THEY PEED
ON EACH OTHER TOO.

YOU INCLUDE VOMIT.

GETS SICK, VOMITS.
EATS THE VOMIT.

EVERYBODY STARTS PUKING.

AND THEN ONE OF
THEM VOMITED ON...

AND THAT MADE
EVERYBODY ELSE SICK.

WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. THATMADE
EVERYBODY SICK?

HEY, SHIT AND
PEE, NO PROBLEM.

YEAH, BUT
THE VOMIT...

YOU ADD VOMIT,
FORGET IT!

SO IT'S GOT A LOT...
IT'S EDGE HUMOUR.

IT'S PUSHING THE EDGE
OF WHAT YOU CAN TAKE.

AND ONCE THE
EDGE IS CROSSED,

THEN YOU START
GETTING HYSTERICAL.

ME AND MY WIFE
COME UP ON STAGE.

SHE TAKES A DUMP IN
THIS BIG METAL BUCKET.

SHE'S GOT A BUCKET OF SHIT.

SHE POURS IT ON
THE GUY'S HEAD.

MY SON, THE LITTLE ONE,
HE'S THREE YEARS OLD...

THIS IS THE PART
THAT'S ADORABLE...

TAKES A BUCKET OF SHIT,
THROWS IT IN HER FACE.

SHE THEN TAKES THE BUCKET
OF PUKE, SHIT AND PISS,

PUTS IT OVER HER
HEAD LIKE A HELMET,

STARTS PARADING
AROUND ON STAGE

LIKE A LITTLE
MIDGET NAZI.

SUCH DISGUSTING REFERENCES,
ONE AFTER ANOTHER.

IT KIND OF MAKES
ITS OWN GRAVY,

THIS JOKE.

IT'S A DISGUSTING
JOKE. IT'S SHIT.

BUT THE ONLY REASON
I COULD SAY THAT

IS BECAUSE I'M REALLY
KIND OF AN ARISTOCRAT.

DO THEY ACTUALLY
EAT SHIT

AT ANY POINT
DURING THE ACT?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.

I'VE HEARD SHITTING
AND EATING IT...

SHE REACHES INTO THE BACK
OF GRANDPA'S DIAPERS,

PULLS OUT A BALL OF
SHIT, STARTS EATING
IT LIKE AN APPLE.

I'VE HEARD BRINGING ANIMALS
AND BESTIALITY INTO IT.

I FORGOT THE DOG!
THERE'S A DOG TOO!

AND THE DOG, OH, HO!

THEN THE DOG FUCKS THE GIRL...

THAT'S CALLED BESTIALITY.

Man:
YES...
IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

IT'S IN
MY DIARY.

HE SAID IT'S IN HIS DIARY.

AND I KNEW HIS DOG.

I'VE HEARD, UH...

MAYBE WE COULD
DO A VERSION.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE
ALONG WITH THE DOG,

BUT THE ENTIRE
FAMILY IS INVOLVED.

IT'S A FAMILY ACT,

WHICH ADDS SUCH A FUCKED-UP
DIMENSION TO IT ANYWAY.

YOU INCLUDE CHILDREN IN
THE ACT, UNSPEAKABLE ACTS

THAT THE CHILDREN
WERE PERFORMING WITH
AND ON EACH OTHER.

PEOPLE CAN GET UP ON STAGE

IF THEY WANT TO, YOU
KNOW, FINGER MY NIECE

OR TOUCH MY NEPHEW'S PENIS.

THERE SHOULD BE
HIGH-RISK BEHAVIOURS,

MIXING OF BODY FLUIDS,
BLOOD FROM EVERY HOLE.

A LOT OF YOU ARE
PROBABLY SAYING,

"WELL, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
BACKTRACK A LITTLE HERE.

WHERE DID THE
BLOOD COME FROM?

YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT BLOOD."

WELL, IF A GUY IS FIST
FUCKING HIS DAUGHTER,

WHO'S YOUNG AND HER
ASSHOLE IS PRETTY SMALL,

AND THIS IS A GROWN
MAN WITH A BIG HAND.

HE COULD BE LIKE
A LONGSHOREMAN.

HE COULD HAVE
ARMS LIKE POPEYE,

WHERE IT'S LIKE THE
ARM IS LIKE THAT WIDE

AND HER ASSHOLE
IS THAT SMALL.

THINK ABOUT THAT FOR
A SECOND, I'LL WAIT.

WELL, NATURALLY SHE'S
GOING TO BE BLEEDING!

I'M JUST MAKING A POINT.

THE PEOPLE ARE
ABUSING EACH OTHER.

THERE'S INCEST.

...AND ALL THE THINGS
THAT CROSS LINES.

SO YOU GET TO PLAY
WITH PEOPLE'S, UH,
LITTLE DANGER ZONES.

I FUCKED MY WIFE! I FUCKED
MY SISTER! I FUCKED MY SON!

EVERYBODY'S FUCKED.
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

IT'S LIKE A
TOURETTE'S SYNDROME JOKE.

I'M HORRIFIED AND
YET DRAWN TO IT.

IT'S LIKE A DOG
WITH THREE LEGS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO
LOOK BUT YOU JUST...

IT'S A PERFECT JOKE.

JUST HEARING OUT LOUD
DESCRIPTIONS OF GIDDY,

SHIT-COVERED INCEST...

AND OTHER POEMS
BY MAYA ANGELO.

IT IS THE ONE JOKE
WHERE YOU GET TO...

INVENT EVERY SICK ACT
YOU COULD IMAGINE,

LOAD IT UP INTO THIS JOKE,

AND NEVER ACTUALLY
BE ACCUSED OF
GILDING THE LILY.

SO THE WAY I
HEARD IT WAS...

IT WAS ALWAYS A VERY
SWEET BEGINNING.

THAT WAS WHAT KILLED
ME, THE SWEETNESS OF
THE GUY WHO WALKS IN,

KNOCKS ON THIS VERY
TALENTED TALENT AGENCY
AND SAYS, "WE HAVE AN ACT.

I WAS WONDERING IF I
COULD HAVE JUST A MOMENT
OF YOUR TIME. WE HAVE..."

"GO AHEAD. YOU HAVE
ONE MINUTE TO TELL
ME ABOUT YOUR ACT."

HE SAYS, "WELL, IT'S
A VERY DIFFERENT ACT.

IT'S A BIT OF A NOVELTY.

IT'S MYSELF, MY
WIFE AND MY KIDS.

FIRST I COME OUT.
I'M IN A TUXEDO.

MY WIFE IS IN A GOWN.
WE TAKE A BOW.

THE MUSIC STARTS.
WE DO A LITTLE DANCE.

MY WIFE LIFTS HER SKIRT,
I START FUCKING MY WIFE.

SHE STARTS SUCKING ME.
MY SON COMES IN,
HE DROPS HIS DRAWERS,

NOW HE'S FUCKING MY WIFE.

I HAVE A DAUGHTER,
SHE'S 15. SHE COMES IN.

SO NOW MY WIFE IS
GOING DOWN ON MY SON,

MY SON'S GOT HIS
ARM UP MY DAUGHTER,

MY DAUGHTER'S GIVING
ME HEAD, IT'S A
BEAUTIFUL THING.

AND THE MUSIC COMES TO A BIG
FINISH. WE'RE ALL FUCKING,

AND THEN EVERYTHING
IS JUST EVERYBODY'S.

AT ONE POINT MY DAUGHTER
IS ON HER BACK,

SHE'S... SHE'S GRABBING
BOTH MY SON AND MYSELF
IN BOTH HANDS,

MY WIFE IS SINGING, AND
THEN WE ALL DROP OUR DRAWERS

AND TAKE A HUGE
SHIT ON THE STAGE."

THE GUY SAYS, "WOW,
THAT'S A HELL OF AN ACT.

WHAT... WHAT DO YOU
CALL YOURSELVES?"

HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS."

SO THERE IS THE JOKE, THAT
YOU... GET TO ACTUALLY SAY

THAT SOMEBODY HAD, UH,
THEIR ARM UP THEIR DAUGHTER,

WHICH IS... YOU DON'T
REALLY HEAR OFTEN.

SOME PEOPLE, WHEN
THEY TELL IT,

REALLY FOCUS ON
THE FECAL MATTER.

OTHER PEOPLE REALLY
FOCUS ON THE INCEST.

AND TO ME, IN MY
OWN PERSONAL LIFE,

THOSE TWO ARE RARELY,
IF EVER, SEPARATE.

SO, SHOCK IS ONLY
ONE THING THAT HAPP...

I THINK THAT SOMETHING
HAPPENS ALONG THE WAY;
IT COMES WITH IT.

THE OTHER THING IS THERE'S
THE ART OF THE JOKE.

YOU HAVE TO SAY PEE FIRST
INSTEAD OF SHIT FIRST.

THEN YOU GO TO FUCK,
OR THEN YOU GO TO FUCK

AND THEN YOU GO TO
PEE AND GO TO SHIT.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH.

I PREFER TO PEE FIRST.

TO ME, YOU GOT TO SAVE THE
SCATOLOGICAL FOR THE END.

IF YOU PUT IT IN
THE MIDDLE, YOU HAVE
NOTHING LEFT TO CLOSE.

SO, IT'S GOT TO BE FUCK,
FUCK, SUCK AND FUCK,

AND THEN TOP OF THAT,
TOOK A BIG SHIT.

YOU NEED THAT
SEPARATION, I FEEL,

OTHERWISE, IT'S CHAOS.

THE WAY I'VE GOT
IT, INCEST IS NEXT
TO SHIT-EATING.

DOG-FUCKING...
Man:
DOG-FUCKING.

I'M ALL ABOUT
DOG-FUCKING.

SHIT-EATING,
DOG-FUCKING,
INCESTUOUS?

ME AND MY WIFE
GO ON STAGE.

WE GET UNDRESSED AND
I START NAILING MY WIFE.

AS I'M FUCKING MY WIFE,

SHE TAKES A DUMP
IN THIS BUCKET.

MY SON COMES OUT, HE POURS
KEROSENE IN THE BUCKET,

LIGHTS IT ON FIRE.

OUR TRAINED DOG
FIFI COMES OUT,

JUMPS THROUGH
A RING OF FIRE.

MY SON FUCKS THE DOG.

MY DAUGHTER COMES OUT,
THE DOG FUCKS MY DAUGHTER.

WE ALL SAY, "GOOD NIGHT,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!"

STANDING OVATION
EVERY TIME.

IT STARTS WITH A
LITTLE DICK-SUCKING.

THE GALS DROP TO
THEIR KNEES, START
SUCKING OFF THE BOYS.

AND LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING,

WHEN MY SEVEN-
YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

IS GIVING A BLOW JOB TO
MY ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON,

IT'S PRICELESS.

THEN WE MOVE ON
TO THE FUCKING.

BUT WE MOVE OVER ONE.

SO NOW I'M FUCKING
MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD
DAUGHTER,

MY SON IS FUCKING
HIS GRANDMOTHER,

AND MY FATHER IS
FUCKING MY WIFE.

AND THEN THE DENOUEMENT:
THE BUTT-FUCKING.

WE MOVE OVER
ONE MORE TIME.

SO I'M FUCKING MY
MOTHER IN THE ASS,

MY SON IS FUCKING
HIS MOTHER IN THE ASS,

AND MY FATHER IS FUCKING HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER IN THE ASS.

THE MEN PULL OUT,
JERK OFF INTO A DISH,

AND THE WOMEN
SLURP IT DOWN.

IT'S A REAL CROWD-
PLEASER: FAMILY ACT.

I GO UP ON STAGE.

I START TO JERK OFF
IN A SHOT GLASS.

MY WIFE COMES OUT, TAKES
A BELT OF MY SPLUGE,

TAKES OFF HER SKIRT,
SHITS IN A BUCKET.

MY SON PULLS THE SHIT
OUT OF THE BUCKET AND
STARTS JUGGLING IT

WHILE HE'S PISSING
INTO THE MOUTH OF
HIS OLDER SISTER

WHO'S BEING BUTT-FUCKED
BY THE FAMILY DOG.

GRANDPA DROPS HIS
PANTS, STARTS FUCKING
THE DOG IN THE ASS.

AND THE WHOLE SHOW ENDS
WITH A BIG CIRCLE JERK
AROUND GRANDMA.

AND HERE'S THE KICKER:
GRANDMA'S DEAD.

I MEAN, IT HAS TO BE REALLY
FILTHY-DIRTY, THE ACT.

IT SHOULD START OFF...

LET'S SAY IT JUST STARTS
OFF KIND OF TITILLATING,

AND THEN IT TURNS
PORNOGRAPHIC. I MEAN,

AND THEN IT STARTS TO BE
THE KIND OF THING WHERE,

IF YOUR DAUGHTER
WAS INVOLVED,

YOU'D HAVE TO GO AND HELP
HER, YOU KNOW, AT ANY COST.

THE POLICE MIGHT
NOT EVEN STEP IN.

THEN THE TALENT AGENT
SAYS, "THAT'S AWFUL.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"
LIKE, HE WANTS TO KNOW

AFTER HEAR... THEN
HE, LIKE, THE NAME'S
THE IMPORTANT THING.

WHICH I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
WHY HE WOULD SAY THAT.

I THINK IT WOU...
'CAUSE IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHAT IT'S CALLED

BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING
TO BOOK THIS SHOW.

WHERE DID THESE PEOPLE
FIND EMPLOYMENT?

HOW DID THEY
DEVELOP THIS ACT?

WHAT MADE THEM THINK THAT
THIS WAS ENTERTAINING?

I MEAN, IT'S SURPRISING
THAT THEY HAVEN'T...

THAT THEY'RE
NOT ALL IN JAIL.

I MEAN... AND WAITING
THE DEATH PENALTY.

I MEAN, I THINK YOU
CAN PUT PEOPLE TO DEATH

FOR WHAT GOES ON IN THE
BEST VERSIONS OF THIS JOKE.

'COURSE, YOU'RE
PROBABLY SAYING,

IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE
OF HUMAN DECENCY,

YOU SAY, "WELL, WHY
DIDN'T HE STOP THEM

THE MINUTE HE SAW THE
FATHER UNZIPPING HIS PANTS

AND SAY, 'THIS IS TOTALLY
WRONG! CALL THE COPS,

SOMETHING HORRIBLE'S
HAPPENING.

THIS IS A FAMILY WHO ARE
RAPING THEIR OWN CHILDREN

AND PERFORMING BESTIALITY.'

WHY, OH WHY, IS HE
ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN?"

BUT THAT'S A
WHOLE OTHER STORY.

BUT ANYWAY, HE SAYS,
"WHAT IS IT CALLED?"

BECAUSE IN A JOKE,
THAT'S WHAT HAPP...

PEOPLE JUST SAY,
"WHAT IS IT C..."

THERE'S NO LEGAL SYSTEM
AT ALL IN PLAY IN A JOKE.

THEN THE GUY GOES,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

AND I ALWAYS THROW IN THAT.

THAT SEEMS TO MAKE TO WHOLE
JOKE. "THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

OH YEAH.
THAT'S GREAT.

"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

HE'S GOING, "I THINK
IT'S ALL IN THE SNAP."

IT WAS FOR DREW.

NOW, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO
THAT WHEN THEY TELL IT?

Man:
ONE.
THIS... AND I'M THE ONLY ONE?

YEAH.
REALLY?

YEAH.
OH MAN, I ALWAYS LIKE...

THAT'S... I ALWAYS
TELL IT LIKE THAT.

THEY DO... WHAT DO
THEY DO, THAT, OR...?

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

"THE ARISTOC..."

I NEVER MAKE IT TO
THE END. I CRUMBLE.

I SAY... NO, IT'S
THE LOVELIEST JOKE.

WHOEVER TOLD IT TO
ME, "WHEN THEY FINISH,

THEY'RE COVERED IN SWEAT
AND THEY'RE COVERED IN CUM

AND THEY'RE COVERED IN SHIT,

AND LIKE..."

"WHAT DO YOU
CALL YOURSELVES?"

"THE ARISTOCRATS!"

AH, IT'S SO GREAT.

TELL DREW I AT
LEAST WENT LIKE THIS.

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

OH NO, I LIKE...

THAT'S REALLY ALL
THERE IS TO IT.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE, LIKE,
BLOOD, SHIT, PISS,

AND THEN, UM, THIS.

SO, UH, THIS COCKSUC...
WHAT WAS IT?

THIS COCKSUCKER
FUCKS HIS... THERE'S
SHIT EVERYWHERE.

THE COCKSUCKER GOES
INTO A FUCKING...

AND SOMETHING FECAL.

FETAL OR FECAL?
NO, FETAL IS FETAL.

AND THE AGENT IS
FUCKING THE DOG...

THE POPE IN THE CORNER...

THE TROUBLE IS, I'VE
NEVER HEARD THIS JOKE.

THE WHOLE SHIT THING...
I THINK IT'S JUST, UH...

BUT YOU KNOW, THE
PUNCHLINE DOESN'T WORK.

THIS GUY SAYS,
"I'VE GOT THIS ACT."

HE SAYS, "IT'S
A FAMILY ACT."

AND THE GUY SAYS,
"I GOT SHIT EVERYWHERE.

I DON'T WANT A FAMILY ACT."

NO, NO, THAT COULD WORK.

THE GUY, HE SAYS,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

HE SAYS, "I WANT...
AM I BOTHERING YOU?"

YOU DO IT GOOD.
HAVE YOU DONE IT?

GIVE IT TO ME,
I'LL FILM YOU NOW.

IT TAKES A LOT MORE SKILL
THAN IT LOOKS LIKE TO...

TO TELL IT WELL.
ALL RIGHT, HERE IT IS.

THREE PEOPLE WALK INTO A
THEATRICAL AGENT'S OFFICE

AND THEY SAY, "WE HAVE
AN ACT TO SHOW YOU

AND WE'RE CALLED
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

FUCK.

IT'S JUST A GUY, GOES INTO
A TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE
MAKE IT ELABORATE.
DOESN'T MATTER WHERE.

IT'S A STEAMY LITTLE
HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE OFFICE.

THERE'S BARELY R... IT'S
SO FUNNY, WHENEVER I...

YOU EVER BEEN TO
JOE FRANKLIN'S OFFICE?

Franklin:
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THIS
OFFICE SINCE 2000 B.C.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT
OFFICE UNTIL THEY
CONDEMNED THE BUILDING.

FRANK SINATRA SAT HERE,
BETTE MIDLER,

BILLY CRYSTAL SAT HERE,
MICHAEL JACKSON.

JULIA ROBERTS WAS
MY SECRETARY HERE.

PRODUCED THE
WORLD'S LONGEST-
RUNNING TV SHOW HERE.

I'M JOE FRANKLIN.

IT'S THAT OFFICE.

MAN WALKS INTO
AN AGENT'S OFFICE

AND, UH, IT'S
JUST LIKE A DESK.

YOU KNOW, A COUPLE OF
CHAIRS, A TELEPHONE...

STOP DANCING AROUND,
MOTHERFUCKER,

AND TELL THE
FUCKING THING!

PHONE...
YOU KNOW,
SQUARE ROOM

LIKE A BO...
ALL RIGHT ALREADY!

YOU ARE FUCKING
HORRIBLE.

TELL THE
FUCKING JOKE.

TELL THE THING.
ALL RIGHT!

"MY WIFE COMES OUT
IN A BEAUTIFUL
EVENING GOWN,

PLAYS 'TEA FOR TWO'
ON THE XYLOPHONE."

WITH HER CUNT?
NO, NO, NO.

THEN MY
GRANDPARENTS
COME OUT

AND THEY SING
"GOD BLESS AMERICA".

IT'S REAL
PATRIOTIC.

WHILE FUCKING
EACH OTHER?

YECCH! EVER SEEN AN
OLD WOMAN'S CUNT?

IT LOOKS LIKE
SILLY PUTTY.

SO THEN... THEY...
YOU KILLED ME.

YOU'RE KILLING
ME HERE.

WELL, YOU'RE A LOSER.
YOU CAN'T TELL
A FUCKING JOKE.

"MY SON COMES OUT,
I SHOOT HIM
IN THE HEAD,

AND THEN I FUCK
THE BULLET HOLE.

AND THEN MY DAUGHTER
COMES ON STAGE.

SHE'S A REAL SEXY
NINE-YEAR-OLD.

I HIT HER ON
THE HEAD WITH
AN AXE HANDLE,

BURN HER CUNT WITH
A CURLING IRON,

PUT A FISH HOOK
THROUGH MY COCK,

FUCK HER, KILL HER,
AND TAKE A SHIT
ON HER DEAD BODY.

THAT'S THE KIND OF
DELIVERY YOU NEED.

COCKSUCKER.

I ACTUALLY
STRETCHED IT OUT ONCE

TO TWO AND A HALF HOURS,

BUT I BLEW
THE PUNCHLINE.

YOU KNOW, I GOT ALL
THE WAY TO THE END.

IT INVOLVED WHITE SLAVERY
AND A ZEPPELIN RACE,

AND THEN AT THE END I GOT,
"THE ARISTOCATS"!

"CRATS"! AAHHH!

IT'S THE ARISTOCRATS,
NOT TO BE CONFUSED

WITH THE WONDERFUL DISNEY
FILM, "THE ARISTOCATS".

OFTEN, I WOULD
GO, "BABABADA...

HE STUCK IN... AND
SHE'S DOING..."

"WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"
"THE ARISTOCATS".

OH! NO, NO, NO!
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

SO THE PEOPLE WOULD
THINK THAT THAT WAS
PART OF THE JOKE,

THAT THE GUY HIMSELF
GOT THE NAME WRONG

AND THE... PEOPLE
WOULD BE SAYING,

"WHY... WHY DID HE SAY
'CATS' AND THEN 'CRATS'?"

"HE DIDN'T, I JUST
HAD A PROBLEM."

WHICH WAS MORE ABSURD.
THEY GO, "WAIT A SECOND.

YOU HAVE A JOKE THAT
TAKES 11 MINUTES TO TELL

AND YOU DON'T REALLY
UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE?"

SO IT'S... IT WAS A BIT OF
A DANGEROUS JOKE FOR ME.

BUT I TELL IT TO YOU
TO... TO HELP OTHERS,

SO THAT THE KIDS
WHO COME AFTER ME

WON'T LIVE THE HORROR
OR THE SHAME THAT I DID.

I HATE JOKES. I
CAN'T REMEMBER THEM.

THE ONLY JOKE
I COULD EVER TELL

IS ABOUT A MAN, GOES
INTO A PUB IN GLASGOW

AND HE SEES ANOTHER GUY.

AND THE OTHER GUY
HITS HIM OVER THE
HEAD WITH AN IRON BAR.

AND HE SAYS, "HEY, OW!

ARE YOU TRYING
TO BE FUNNY?"

AND THE GUY SAYS, "NO."

I'M SORRY.

I TOLD YOU, I
DON'T DO JOKES.

I DON'T DO JOKES

AND I DON'T EVEN
WANT TO DO THIS,

BUT WHEN THEY BEG, IT
GETS SO RIDICULOUS.

WITH MY KIND OF THING,
IT'S ALWAYS ATTITUDE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE
TO PICK UP ON JOKES,
TO BE VERY HONEST.

NOT THAT THERE'S
ANYTHING TO WRONG IN IT,

BUT IT'S NEVER
BEEN MY THING.

WHEN I TOLD IT TO EMO,
HE LOOKED LIKE, "MY GOD,

THAT'S THE JOKE I SHOULD'VE
WRITTEN BUT I NEVER WILL."

I MEAN, THAT IS AN EMO JOKE.

THESE THREE GUYS WALK IN.

THEY SAY, "WE HAVE
A GREAT, GREAT ACT."

AND THEY ALL UNZIP
THEIR FLIES AND THEY
PEE ON THE FLOOR.

THEN THEY ALL PULL
DOWN THEIR PANTS AND...

AND THEY POO ON THE FLOOR.

AND THEN THEY ALL PUT
THEIR FINGERS DOWN THEIR
THROATS AND THEY VOMIT

AND THEN THEY
START SLIP-SLIDING.

AND THE AGENT SAID, "WHAT
DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

AND THEY SAID,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE
WHO JUST REALLY LOVE

THE WRITING OF THE JOKE
AND THE MOOD OF THE JOKE.

AND THE AGENT
SAYS, "I LOVE IT,

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BOOK
YOU UNTIL I SEE YOU LIVE.

NOW I'M GOING
OUT THIS WEEKEND

TO SEE THE BUTT-FUCKING
FAUNTLEROYS

AND THE SHIT-EATING
GRANNIES.

PRESUMING I LIKE YOU AS
MUCH AS I THINK I WILL,

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

ARE YOU MARRIED TO THE
NAME 'THE ARISTOCRATS'?"

THERE'S A SLIGHTLY
MORE WRITER-LY
VERSION OF THE JOKE.

A MANAGER IS TRYING
TO SELL PERFORMERS
TO A CLUB OWNER,

AND THE CLUB OWNER
GOES, "OKAY, YEAH.
WHAT'S YOUR ACT DO?"

"THERE'S A GIRL COMES OUT
AND SHE SUCKS OFF A DONKEY,

AND THE GUY COMES OUT,
PISSES ON THE GIRL,

THEN HE PISSES
ON THE DONKEY."

HE SAYS, "LISTEN, WE... WE
HAVE A CLASSY JOINT HERE.

I'M NOT SURE THAT'S
THE KIND OF ACT..."

"WELL, WAIT!
YOU'LL REALLY ENJOY
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

THE MANAGER HAD TO COME
UP QUICKLY WITH A NAME

TO TRY AND SELL THE
GROUP, SO THERE'S
MOTIVATION THERE.

AND IT'S A
FEEL-GOOD ENDING.

GETS YOU HERE AND
GETS YOU HERE. YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I LIKE TO THINK
THE MANAGER'S LYING,

THAT THEY DON'T
DO ALL THAT STUFF.

THEY SING AND
THEY'RE FUNNY,

BUT HE NOW HAS TO
BACK AND SAY, "LISTEN,
I'VE SOLD YOU.

BUT THERE'S THIS
OTHER THING YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO DO.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO SHAG A DONKEY

AND SHIT IN A..."
"WHAT?"

"WITH THE GUY'S SAXOPHONE."
"THE F...

THE FUCKING WHAT? WHAT
WAS THAT DONKEY SHIT?"

AND OF COURSE, EVERYBODY'S
STYLE IN TELLING THE JOKE.

SO THE WILLIAM MORRIS
OFFICE WANTS TO WORK
WITH THIS ACT.

IT'S A... IT'S
A FAMILY ACT.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE
IT'D GO WITH THE
SMOTHERS BROTHERS.

A FAMILY OPENING
ACT. WHAT DO

THEY DO?
YEAH.

THEY... THEY DO
SOME JUGGLING.

IT'S A
JUGGLING ACT?
JUGGLING THING.

AND THEN THE
FATHER DROPS
ONE OF THE CLUBS

AND ASKS HIS
SON TO PICK IT
UP, SO HIS...

DAD JUST KNEES
HIM RIGHT
IN THE BALLS.

YOU'RE PUTTING ME
ON, AREN'T YOU?
NO, NO, NO.

THEN... THE
MOTHER DOES A
TOPLESS THING

AND, UH...
OH, GET OUT
OF HERE.

GOES DOWN ON
THE FATHER.
NO.

THE KIDS COME
OUT NAKED...

NAKED CHILDREN?

AND THEN THEY
DO A SE...

THEY DO A SEX
ACT AND THEN
THEY THROW UP.

THEY THROW UP?

WHERE... WHERE
HAVE THEY WORKED?

THEY WORKED ALL
THE BEST PLACES.

ALL THE
BEST PLACES?

DO YOU WANT TO...
DO YOU WANT
TO KNOW...

DO YOU WANT TO
KNOW WHAT THEY'RE...
THE NA...

WANT TO KNOW...
UH, NOT
NECESSARILY.

NO, I MEAN...
WELL, ASK ME.

IT'S KIND
OF IMPORTANT.
THIS IS...

OKAY, WHAT IS
THEIR NAME?

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

THE WHAT?

"THE 'RISTOCRATS"?
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

BUT YOU DIDN'T THINK
THAT WAS FUNNY?

NO.
HUH.

IT'S A CLASSIC.

WHAT MAKES
THAT A CLASSIC?

CLASSIC WITHSTANDS
THE TEST OF TIME,

AND "THE ARISTOCRATS"
IS ONE OF THOSE
CLASSIC JOKES

THAT HAS GONE
THROUGH 50,
60, 70 YEARS

OF BEING TOLD...
SO NO MATTER

HOW MANY TIMES
I HEAR IT,

I'LL STILL... I'LL
THINK IT'S FUNNY?
WHENEVER...

WHENEVER YOU SAY
"ARISTOCRATS",

THE AUDIENCE
FALLS DOWN.
I DIDN'T.

WELL, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE A STRAIGHT MAN.

YOU'RE NOT...
YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO.

"THE ARISTOCRATS" IS
SO MUCH ABOUT THE...

KIND OF SIGNATURE THAT
A... COMEDIAN PUTS ON IT.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
YOU MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

YEAH, IN THE AMISH
VERSION, THE FATHER
FLICKS ON A LIGHT,

THE MOTHER'S USING
A RADIO REMOTE,
WATCHING TELEVISION.

HE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU
CALL YOURSELVES?"

"'TIS WELL WE CALL OURSELVES
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

IT'S THE LAST
THING IN THE...

FIRST, I COME OUT
ON STAGE. YOU KNOW,
AND I AM PREGNANT.

A FRIEND OF MINE COMES OUT

AND HE STARTS FUCKING
ME UP THE ASS.

THE BABY STARTS
SUCKING THE PENIS

OF THE GUY WHO'S
FUCKING ME UP THE ASS.

I START GETTING CONTRACTIONS
AND GIVING BIRTH.

THE BABY STARTS COMING OUT

AND CUM STARTS COMING
OUT OF THE BABY'S MOUTH.

I MEAN COME ON, BIRTH.

WHAT IS MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN BIRTH?

THIS WOMAN COMES INTO
HIS OFFICE AND SHE
WANTS REPRESENTATION.

SHE SAYS, "I'M
THE CENTREPIECE.

MY HUSBAND COMES OUT,
HE BENDS DOWN, HE
GOES DOWN ON ME.

WE USED TO HAVE GRANDMA
BLOWING GRANDPA

WHILE SHE HAD A
KAZOO OUT OF HER ASS

PLAYING "BEGIN THE BEGUINE",

BUT SHE CLAIMS
THAT THESE DAYS

SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE
WIND FOR IT ANY MORE.

PERSONALLY, I THINK SHE'S
TIRED OF BLOWING THE GUY.

AFTER 54 YEARS, IT GETS
A LITTLE TIRESOME.

THE COMEDIANS HAVE DONE IT
AND THE WAY THEY TELL IT...

BUT THEN AS YOU'RE
LISTENING TO IT,

ALL OF YOUR OWN
PERSONAL ORIENTATIONS
YOU BRING TO THIS JOKE,

AND IT... SO IT'S FUNNY
FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

SURE I COULD'VE TOLD IT
SOME OTHER WAY, SOME...

SOME SCATOLOGICAL
BULLSHIT THAT
THESE BOYS LOVE.

NO, I NEEDED THE
WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW.

AND YOU NOTICED,
THE FIRST SEX ACT

WAS THE HUSBAND GOING
DOWN ON THE WOMAN.

THE MAN WOULD IMMEDIATELY
HAD A BLOW JOB IN THERE.

GRANDMA, BY THE WAY, IS
A TALENT, A GIFT BEYOND.

IF SHE WAS BORN
IN ANOTHER ERA,

SHE COULD'VE BEEN...

LIZA MINNELLI.
THAT... THAT TALENTED.

BUT BECAUSE SHE WAS IN
THE WRONG TIME AND PLACE,

SHE ENDED UP PLAYING
"BEGIN THE BEGUINE"
OUT OF HER ASSHOLE.

THERE ARE DIFFERENT RULES
FOR WOMEN, DIFFERENT RULES.

MEN, THEY CAN GET...

MEN ARE EXPECTED
TO TALK DIRTY,

AND WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE LADYLIKE.

YOU KNOW, THEY WON'T
TAKE IT FROM PHYLLIS

BECAUSE THAT'S NOT
PHYLLIS' DEMEANOUR.

THEY'LL DEFINITELY
TAKE IT FROM ME

BECAUSE IF I DON'T SAY
"COCK", THEY'RE PISSED.

MALES HAVE A CRUDER
SENSE OF HUMOUR.

A FEMALE WOULDN'T EVER
REALLY CREATE THAT JOKE.

I'M SICK OF WOMEN GOING,
"IT'S A GUY THING."

IT'S A JOKE. FUNNY...
IF FUNNY IS A GUY THING,

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL STRAP IT ON.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I
GO... AND I DO STUFF,

AND PEOPLE SAY, "WHAT,
YOU DIDN'T CURSE?"

YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING
NOT TO DO THAT.

YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING
TO BE GENTILE AND SHIT.

BUT IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.

SO WHEN I WOULD TELL
A JOKE LIKE THIS,

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE ALL
ABOUT DRIPPING PENISES,

AND THEY'D BE PULLING
THE FORESKINS BACK

AND MAKING HELMETS
OUT OF THEM. YOU KNOW,
IT'D BE A WHOLE THING.

Man:
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

DO YOUR VERSION?

WELL, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY
GOT VERSIONS LIKE THAT.

OH, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE
A VERSION LIKE THAT.
OH, I BET YOU DO,

I BET YOU DO.
I KNOW YOU DO.

THE FOUR GUYS WALK
IN AND THEY SAY,
"LET'S SEE THE ACT."

AND FOUR GUYS TAKE
THEIR PANTS DOWN

AND THEY TAKE
THEIR GIANT PENISES

AND THEY TAKE THE FORESKIN,
THEY GO LIKE THIS...

AND THEY PULL UP
THE PENISES LIKE THIS
AND THEY GO, "WHOA!"

AND THEY PULL IT DOWN
OVER THEMSELVES AND
THEY START TO SING...

♪ I'D GIVE THE WORLD TO...

♪ D-I-X-I-E...

THAT'S THE KIND OF JOKE
I WOULD FUCKING TELL.

Man:

LIKE, HOW COULD YOU
CLEAN THAT JOKE UP?

I GUESS YOU COULD
CLEAN IT UP BY SAYING,
"THEY'RE MAKING LOVE".

BUT STILL, THEY'RE ALREADY
BROTHERS AND SISTERS,
SO IT'S ALREADY INCEST.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE
ALREADY IN A BIG HOLE.

WELL, ACTUALLY, WHEN
THE CURTAIN RISES,

THERE WE ARE STAGE: ME,
MY TWO DAUGHTERS, MY WIFE,

AND A GORILLA NAMED DAISY
FROM THE BELGIAN CONGO.

MY DAUGHTER PULLS
MY INDEX FINGER,

AT WHICH POINT I LET
OUT A THUNDEROUS FART.

MY WIFE DOES A VERY
SEXY STRIPTEASE
DANCE ON A TOM-TOM.

FOLLOWING THAT, I HAVE
A VIOLENT LOVE AFFAIR

WITH THE GORILLA, DAISY,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

BUT HAVE NO FEAR, IF
THERE ARE ANY CHILDREN,

THEY'LL BE BROUGHT UP
AS CATHOLICS, YOU SEE.

HE WAS IN PURPLE,

SHE WAS IN... HELIOTROPE,

AND THEY WOULD COME IN.
THEY HAD TWO BLACK SATCHELS.

AND THEY SAID, "WE WORK
IN ONE. IT'S AN OLIO.

AND THE BAND WOULD GO...

AND HE OPENS UP
THE BLACK CASE,

AND THERE'S A
SILVER HAMMER.

AND...

HIS WIFE PULLS
OUT THE CHAIR

AND HE SITS DOWN
UPON THE CHAIR.

HIS WIFE TAKES THE HAMMER,

AND WITH A GREAT,
SWIFT MOVEMENT,

BANG! HITS HER HUSBAND
RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD,

AND HE GOES ASS OVER
TEAKETTLE BACK DOWN,

OVER THE COUCH,
OVER THE AGENTS,

BACK IN, PULLS
THE DRAPES DOWN...

THE AGENT SAYS, "MY GOD,

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!"

"WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

AND HE PICKS UP THE
HAMMER, PUTS IT AWAY.

AND HE PICKS UP THAT
CASE, AND HE PICKS
UP THE OTHER ONE,

AND THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE,
AND HE SAYS, "EXCUSE ME.

JUST FOR CURIOSITY,

WHAT'S IN THE OTHER CASE?"

AND HE SAYS,

"TYLENOL."

"AND WHAT'S THE
NAME OF YOUR ACT?"

"WE CALL OURSELVES
'THE SOPHISTICATES'."

THAT'S HOW I HEARD IT.

THEY ARE MY GENERATION
OF ENTERTAINER.

I MEAN, WE WERE ALL
TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU HAD TO WORK CLEAN
BECAUSE THERE WERE
SIGNS BACKSTAGE:

"NO DIRTY MATERIAL.
NOTHING BLUE."

YOU GOT VAUDEVILLE AND
THE CHITLIN CIRCUIT
AT THE SAME TIME.

A BLACK COMIC COULD
ALWAYS BE DIRTY.

YOU COULDN'T GET ON TV
ANYTIME, SO YOU WEREN'T
REALLY WORRIED

ABOUT WHO YOU
OFFENDED OR ANYTHING.

THEY COULD BE DIRTY
ON STAGE, IT DIDN'T
EVEN MATTER.

SO A JOKE WHERE PART
OF THE FUN IS THAT
YOU'RE DIRTY IS...

THEY CAN TELL IT
ANYTIME THEY WANT.

COCKS AND
CUNTS, THAT'S
WHERE IT'S AT.

SEINFELD NEVER
CURSED, I'M ALWAYS
TELLING YOU THAT.

BE LIKE SEINFELD.

ALL RIGHT. DID
YOU EVER NOTICE

WHEN YOU KICK
YOUR GIRLFRIEND
IN THE CUNT

SHE CALLS
THE COPS ON YA?

IN ALL OF ART,

IT'S THE SINGER,
NOT THE SONG.

YOU SEE THAT WHEN YOU
HEAR JAZZ MUSICIANS

WHO PLAY THE SAME SONG
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

YOU HEAR ONE NOTE
OF COLTRANE,

YOU KNOW
IT'S COLTRANE.

BUT I NEVER
UNDERSTOOD IT AS
SO CLEAR IN COMEDY.

WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE
TELL "THE ARISTOCRATS",

VERY CLEARLY,
IT'S THE SINGER,
NOT THE SONG.

OKAY, HERE'S THE JOKE:

A GUY GOES INTO A TALENT
AGENT AND HE SAYS,

"I JUST SAW THE
MOST AMAZING ACT.

YOU SHOULD HIRE THIS ACT,
IT'S INCREDIBLE!"

AND THE AGENT
SAYS, "WELL, TELL
ME WHAT HAPPENS."

HE SAYS, "WELL Y...
THERE'S A FAMILY
OUT ON A STAGE;

THERE'S A HUSBAND
AND A WIFE,

AND THREE LITTLE GIRLS,
LIKE, 12, 8 AND 4.

AND THEY'RE JUST
SITTING THERE, AND
THEY'RE ALL READING,

AND THERE'S A LITTLE
CERAMIC BALLERINA

GOING AROUND PLAYING
MOZART MUSIC.

AND IT'S VERY CALM AND
THE LIGHTING IS BEAUTIFUL.

AND THEN THE FATHER
GETS UP AND HE WALKS
OFF THE STAGE,

AND HE COMES
BACK WITH FLOWERS

AND HE GIVES
ONE TO THE WIFE

AND ONE TO EACH
OF THE DAUGHTERS.

AND THEY... "OH,
DADDY, WE LOVE YOU."

"YOU'RE MY
PRECIOUS ANGELS."

AND EVERYTHING IS
SO NICE AND SMILEY.

THEN THE FATHER GETS
UP AND HE LEAVES AGAIN
AND HE COMES BACK,

AND HE'S GOT A BIG
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY
AND A BASEBALL BAT.

AND HE STARTS DRINKING
THE WHISKEY

AND HE GOES OVER THE WIFE
AND HE STARTS SMASHING HER

ON THE SHOULDERS AND
THE LEGS, AND HE'S
BANGING HER LEGS

AND THERE'S BLOOD
GUSHING ANY... EVERYWHERE,

AND THE DAUGHTERS
ARE SCREAMING,

AND HE CHASES THE
DAUGHTERS AROUND,

AND HE SMASHES THEM ON
THE BACK OF THE LEGS,

AND THERE'S SCREAMING
AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

AND THE GUY SAID,
"THAT'S HORRIBLE!"

THE AGENT SAID,
"THAT'S... HORRIBLE,

MOST HORRIBLE THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.

WHAT COULD THIS
THING BE CALLED?

WHAT IS THIS?
WHAT IS IT?"

AND THE GUY SAID, "IT'S
CALLED 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

AND THEN THEY JUST
BLANKLY LOOKED AT EACH
OTHER FOR A WHILE

AND THEN THE AGENT SAID,

"I-I'D LIKE TO SEE
THAT, ACTUALLY."

IT'S THIS FAMILY,
THE KAVANAW'S:
ANNE AND WILLIAM.

THEY'RE EATING DINNER
AND THEY JUST FINISH,

AND THEIR MAID COMES IN
AND SHE CLEARS THE PLATES.

AND THEY HAVE TWO CHILDREN:
BETSY AND TIMMY.

AND ANNE SUGGESTS
THAT THEY ALL GO
INTO THE DRAWING ROOM

WHERE ANNE THEN
BRAIDS BETSY'S
BEAUTIFUL BLOND HAIR.

THE HUSBAND, HE PLAYS
CHESS WITH TIMMY.

AND THEN THE MAID COMES IN

WITH STRAWBERRIES
AND WHIPPED CREAM,

AND THEY ALL EAT
A NICE DESSERT.

AND THAT'S THE ACT.

Interviewer:
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL
AN ACT LIKE THAT?

"THE COCKSUCKING
MOTHERFUCKERS".

THERE'S ANOTHER WHICH
USES THE SAME WORD,

"ARISTOCRATS", SO MAYBE
WE CAN GO THERE INSTEAD.

THERE WERE THREE
MISSIONARIES:

A CATHOLIC, A BUDDHIST,
AND A JEW,

WHO WERE OUT IN THE
MIDDLE OF AFRICA

AND THEY WERE CAUGHT
BY HEADHUNTERS.

THE CHIEF CAME UP
AND SAID, "GOOD
AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

YOU HAVE YOUR
OPTIONS: DEATH,

OR YOU CAN MEET
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

THE FIRST IS
THE JEWISH RABBI.

AND THEY SAY, "HAVE
YOU MADE UP YOUR MIND?"

HE SAYS, "OH, ABSOLUTELY.

PERHAPS THERE'S
AN AFTERLIFE,

I'M NOT REALLY
SURE ABOUT THAT.

WE CERTAINLY VALUE
THE LIFE ON EARTH.

I HAVE DECIDED I
WILL GO WITH MEETING
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

OUT COME ABOUT 14 MEN

WEARING JUST THE SKIMPIEST
LITTLE LOINCLOTHS

AND THEY REAM HIM
IN EVERY ORIFICE.

THEY THROW HIS BODY UP,
THEY THROW HIS BODY DOWN.

HE IS COMPLETELY
COVERED WITH ABORIGINES'
SPERMATOZOA.

AND THEY LEAVE HIM
BASICALLY AS A FLOPPY
LITTLE RAG DOLL,

OVER IN THE BUSHES.

GOES UP TO THE CATHOLIC
PRIEST, HE SAID,
"HOW ABOUT YOU?"

"STILL... STILL
SAME DEAL?" AND
HE SAID, "YEAH.

YOU CAN EITHER DIE,

OR DEAL WITH
'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

HE SAYS, "HORRIBLE
AS THAT IS,

I AM NO STRANGER TO
CERTAIN ASPECTS OF IT.

I DO SEE THAT THE MAN OVER
THERE IS STILL BREATHING,

WHICH MEANS I
WOULD STAY ALIVE

TO BE ABLE TO HELP
MY PARISHIONERS.

I WILL TAKE THE... I
GUESS, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

AND IT'S SAME SONG,
SECOND VERSE.

THEY HAVE HIM
IN SO MANY WAYS

THAT HE HAS NEVER
EVEN DREAMT OF.

HE IS LYING, PANTING
BARELY AUDIBLE BREATHS

LYING IN THE UNDERBRUSH.
THE BUDDHIST SAYS,

"I BELIEVE THAT
WE'RE ONLY HERE FOR
A SHORT TIME ANYWAY.

I WILL TAKE DEATH."

AND THE CHIEF SAYS,
"OKAY, FINE, DEATH IT IS.

BUT FIRST,
'THE ARISTOCRATS'!"

SO THAT'LL BE MY
"ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

'CAUSE YOU GOT
75 PEOPLE TELLING
THE FUCKING THING.

THIS JOKE IS ONE
OF THOSE SONGS,

I GUESS, LIKE,
"MR. TAMBOURINE MAN".

YOU COULD SING IT
LIKE BOB DYLAN,

OR YOU COULD SING
IT LIKE "THE BYRDS",

OR YOU COULD
SING IT ROUGH, OR
YOU CAN MAKE IT SWEET.

THERE'S NOT THAT
MANY JOKES LIKE THIS.

WE WERE
INFLUENCED

BY ONE OF
THE GREATEST

JUGGLING ACTS
OF ALL TIME.

THEY'D BE
COMPLETELY NAKED.

NOW AT THIS POINT,

HE WOULD ACTUALLY
PENETRATE THE
OTHER GUY.

RIGHT.
THE... TOP GUY

WOULD ACTUALLY
DEFECATE

ON THE
BOTTOM GUY.

THEY WOULD
ACTUALLY JUGGLE

SIX SEVERED FLAMING
ELEPHANT PENISES.

YEAH.
THEY WERE CALLED

"THE INCREDIBLE
TOWERING,

FLAMING, NAKED,
ELEPHANT PENIS
JUGGLING BROTHERS."

THEY CHANGED
IT TO, UH...

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

YOU CAN MAKE
THE JOKE FUNNY

AND STILL KEEP IT
IN YOUR PERSONALITY.

SO I SAW CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
TELL THAT STORY, I THINK...

I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS
JAMES LIPTON'S...

COCKSUCKING EXTRAVAGANZA.

HE LAID CLAIM TO THE STORY
ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

"THIS HAPPENED.

MY UNCLE WAS
A TALENT AGENT,

SORT OF A
BROADWAY DANNY ROSE
SORT OF GUY.

MAN COMES IN,
SAYS TO MY UNCLE,

"I THINK I MIGHT
HAVE THE ACT

THAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

IT INVOLVES MY
WHOLE FAMILY."

MY UNCLE STOPPED
HIM AND SAID...

"THAT'S CRAZY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUR
WHOLE FAMILY? THAT'S..."

THE MAN SAYS, "A
GIFT MY WIFE HAS

IS UNLOADED ON
THE AUDIENCE,

AND THAT IS...

PROJECTILE VOMITING.

IT'S ALL OVER
THE FRONT ROW.

GALLAGHER, THAT
PUTZ, WOULD WISH

THIS SORT OF...

THIS SORT OF THING
WAS POSSIBLE FROM
A WATERMELON.

FORGET IT."

THIS IS WHAT'S
HAPPENING TO MY UNCLE.

HE STARTS TO CHUCKLE.

BUT HE ALSO IS FRIGHTENED
FOR HIS LIFE.

HE... HE SENSES...
ASK THE NAME FIRST,

THEN, GET THEM OUT.

DON'T GIVE THEM
THE BUM'S RUSH,

'CAUSE THIS FUCK WILL
KILL YOU, CLEARLY.

TO ME, IN THIS JOKE,

YOU GET TO SHOW OFF
YOUR WRITING, SORT OF.

SO A FAMILY WALKS
INTO THE AGENT'S OFFICE

AND THEY WANT TO AUDITION
THEIR NEW ACT.

MOM DOES A NAKED CARTWHEEL
THROUGH THE AIR

AND LANDS FLAT
ON HER BACK.

SHE SPREADS HER LEGS
WIDE AND TURNS OVER

TO REVEAL A CHERRY-
COLOURED ASS.

SON COMES OVER AND
BEGINS TO JACK OFF.

IN FACT, THE
VIGOUR OF YOUTH

ALLOWS HIM TO DO THIS
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

SIS, WHOSE TITS ARE
PRACTICALLY NON-EXISTENT,

SUDDENLY GETS DOWN
ON ALL FOURS,

HER HAIRLESS PAPER CUT
BEGINS TWITCHING
WITH ANTICIPATION.

DAD SPRINGS INTO ACTION.

HE SPINS HIS
DAUGHTER AROUND

AND GIVES HER A
LITTLE BIT OF 69.

JUST THEN, THERE'S
A BLINDING SPRAY

THAT COVERS THE
ENTIRE FAMILY,

AND GRANDMA RIDES IN
ON A RED BICYCLE,

PISSES ALL OVER THEM
AND SAYS, "TAH-DAH!"

THE AGENT SAYS,
"THAT'S AMAZING. WHAT
DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

AND GRANDMA SAYS...

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

WE SAW THE ACT
AND IT JUST...

JUST DUMBSTRUCK
TELLER, QUITE
LITERALLY.

I CAN GO INTO
THE WHOLE THING.

THE FATHER...
WHO WAS...

WHO PLAYED
THE BAGPIPES
OUT HIS ASS.

THE MOTHER WHO
DID THIS WHOLE
WEIRD THING

WITH MENSTRUAL
BLOOD AND...

YEAH, BEAUTIFUL.

BUT THE PART THAT
KILLED US THE MOST

WAS THIS LITTLE
CUTE KID.

WHAT WAS HE,
ABOUT SIX OR SO?

AND THE KID HAD
THIS ENORMOUS COCK.

IT WAS THE SIZE
OF, YOU KNOW...

LIKE... OH YEAH,
LIKE THE SIZE OF
A BOTTLE LIKE THAT.

AND STARTED
JERKING AND JERKING

AND JERKING
AND JERKING,

AND THEN JUST
AS HE GOT TO
THE FINAL END,

HE WOULD JUST
JERK, JERK,

AND THE KID HAD...

THE WHOLE
HEAD OF HIS

COCK BLEW OFF.
OH-H-H.

AND WE SAID, "AH,
FABULOUS, FABULOUS."

TELLER COULDN'T
TALK ANY LONGER.
HE WAS...

HE WAS JUST...
SHOCKED, DUMBSTRUCK.

JUST NEVER
SPOKE AGAIN.

AND THE KID WAS
ALSO DUMBSTRUCK.

YOU KNOW, HE
HAD THE HEAD

OF HIS COCK
BLOWN OFF.

IF TELLING A JOKE
IN YOUR OWN WORDS

AND CREATING
YOUR OWN SET-UP,

IF THAT CAN BE
PERSONALIZED,

THEN THAT... THAT'S
A FORM OF WRITING.

FIRST I COME IN THERE
AND I START LOOS...

GET LOOSENED UP
A LITTLE BIT.

THEN I START TO
STRETCH MY FACE.

THEN I LIKE TO CELEBRATE
THE THEATRE: COMEDY.

TRAGEDY.

AND THEN
UNCLE LOUIE COMES IN.

AND THEN COUSIN EDDY,

HE JUST CAME BACK FROM
RUSSIA WITH THE ARMY.

♪ DEUTCHLAND, DEUTCHLAND,
YUGOSLANDVER. ♪

I GOT IT.

AND THEN AUNT SADIE,

SHE COMES IN AND DOES
AN ACROBATIC NUMBER.

HEY-OH!

SO A GUY GOES INTO A,
UH... A TALENT AGENT

AND HE SAYS, "HEY,
DUDE, CHECK IT OUT,
I'VE GOT A GREAT ACT."

AND HE'S LIKE, "IT'S NOT A
FUCKING PROP ACT, IS IT?"

I WOULD TELL THAT
JOKE, BUT AS YOU KNOW,

I ONLY WORK OFF PROMPTER.

SO UNLESS I CAN LOOK IN
THE PROMPTER AND SEE...

I'M SORRY, WAS IT:
FINGERING THE DAUGHTER

AND EATING SHIT OUT OF
THE GRANDMOTHER'S ASS?

I'D HATE TO GET SOMETHING
LIKE THAT WRONG

BECAUSE IT REALLY SEEMS TO
BE SO DELICATELY WORDED.

WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT
KINDS OF CARTOONS

PLAYING IN THE
COMIC'S MIND.

MURRAY THE AGENT BARGES
INTO STAN THE VARIETY
BOOKER'S OFFICE.

STAN GOES, "NO, NO,
NO! NO, YOU DON'T!

YOU ALWAYS BRING
ME THE WORST ACTS
IN THE UNIVERSE."

"THIS ONE IS COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT, STAN.

IT'S A FAMILY ACT.

FIRST THE FATHER COMES OUT

NAKED AS THE DAY
HE WAS BORN,

AND HE SETS UP A LADDER.

THEN MOM COMES OUT, AND SHE
LOOKS FANTASTIC FOR HER AGE.

SHE CLIMBS HALF
WAY UP THE LADDER,

NAKED AS THE DAY
SHE WAS BORN.

THEN JUNIOR STEPS OUT,
A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD,

NAKED AS THE
DAY HE WAS BORN,

AND HE CLIMBS ALL
THE WAY TO THE
TOP OF THE LADDER.

DAD LIGHTS A CIGAR, GETS
IT SMOKING REAL GOOD,

STICKS IT IN MOM'S ASS,

SHE BLOWS A SMOKE RING
OUT OF HER TWAT,

AND THE SON DIVES THROUGH IT.

EVERYBODY LOVES THIS
IN THE CIRCUS

WHERE THEY FIT A BUNCH
OF CLOWNS INTO A CAR

AND THEY ALL COME OUT
AND THE AUDIENCE...

YOU SEE THE KIDS' EYES
JUST OPEN UP WITH AWE.

IT'S JUST THE MOST
AMAZING THING.

IT'S LIKE THAT, EXCEPT WE ALL
FIT INTO THIS WOMAN'S CUNT.

SHE RIDES AROUND A
LITTLE RING ON A BICYCLE

AND WHEN SHE STOPS, WE
ALL POP OUT OF HER CUNT,

AND SPIT CUNT JUICE AT
THE AUDIENCE, WHICH
GETS THEM INVOLVED.

THEY GET A LITTLE WET.
IT'S LIKE KIND OF
A GALLAGHER THING.

SOMETIMES THERE'S MUCUS
AND LITTLE CUNT LOOGIES.

AND WE CAN MAKE
LITTLE ANIMALS AND
THINGS LIKE THAT AND...

OUT OF THE...
THE CUNT SNOT.

AND WE GIVE THOSE
TO THE KIDS.

TERRIFIC.

THERE'D BE OTHERS BUT
WITH MORE IRONY OR
SLIGHTLY MORE SARCASM;

A WRY SENSE OF
LOOKING AT THE WORLD.

THE GUY GOES IN TO,
UH, GET AN AGENT,

THE AGENT SAYS, "WHAT
DO YOU GUYS DO?"

HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW,
MY WIFE AND I..."

HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

IT WOULDN'T BE
THE ONION IF WE
GOT JESUS IN IT.

Man:
THAT WOULD BE
WEIRD, WOULDN'T IT?

THE GRANDFATHER
FUCKING JESUS
IN THE ASS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S SOMETHING
THAT IS OFFENSIVE NOW?

GAY-BASHING.

BUT IF IT'S
GAY-BASHING,

THEN WE CAN'T
HAVE ANY GAY
SEX IN THE ACT.

THROWING IN GAY SEX

HAS NEVER DETERRED
ANYONE FROM
BASHING GAYS.

YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH.

I KIND OF THINK
WE COULD DO BOTH.

I THINK THEY COULD
SODOMIZE JESUS

UP THE ASS
AND SAY...

YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH.

AND SAY, "THIS
IS BECAUSE YOU'RE

A FAGGOT." THEY COULD.

YOU PROBABLY LIKE
THIS, FAGGOT!

THERE ARE GUYS WHO ARE
MADE TO TELL THIS JOKE.

SOME PEOPLE THINK I
HAVE A REPUTATION OF
BEING A DIRTY COMEDIAN,

AND I DON'T REALLY WANT
TO EXPOSE THAT, ANYWHERE.

'CAUSE I THINK I'VE... YOU
KNOW, I'M REALLY A FAMILY
KIND OF, ORIENTED GUY,

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS JOKE.

OH, SAGET. NOW
THERE IS A MAN

WHO WALKS AROUND
TELLING "THE ARISTOCRAT"
JOKE IN LIFE!

THAT'S MY FRIEND PAUL,
AND RIGHT NOW I'M
LOOKING AT HIS DINGER.

HE'S GOT A VERY
HUGE, UH, WIENER.

IT'S ABOUT...
ABOUT THAT BIG.

I BELIEVE THAT'S
SHANDLING'S JOKE,
I'M PRETTY SURE.

WHEN YOU LIFT SOMETHING
IT BETTER BE A COCK.

I'M SORRY.

ONCE FOR HANUKKAH HE GAVE
ME, UM, SOME SLIM TAMPAX.

HE SAID "LEAVE THEM OUT,
SO GUYS WILL THINK
YOU'RE REALLY TIGHT."

HERE WE GO.
THIS FAMILY:

A MOTHER, FATHER,
AND FOUR KIDS,

DOESN'T MATTER IF
THEY'RE BOYS OR GIRLS

AND THEY'RE GOING
TO BE USED ANYWAY,

AS JUST NOTHING
MORE THAN A HOLE,

IS WHAT THIS JOKE'S
ABOUT ANYWAY.

IT'S ABOUT USING YOUR KID.

YOU KNOW, IF THEY HAVE A
PAPER ROUTE TO GO TO SCHOOL,

AND THEN YOU FUCK THEM.

NO, THAT'S...THAT'S...

HIS AIM IS TO GET AS
MANY DISGUSTING THOUGHTS

INTO SENTENCES
AS POSSIBLE.

AND THE AGENT GOES, "WELL
WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DO?"

THE FATHER'S LIKE...
"WATCH US."

HE TAKES HER WIFE'S BRA AND
HE RIPS OFF HER UNDERWEAR,

AND HE TAKES SOME OF
HER PUBES WITH IT,

IT'S HORRIBLE AND THERE'S
A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD

STARTS DRIPPING
DOWN HER LEG.

SO HE JUST PULLS
OUT THE TAMPON

AND THROWS IT AT THE
WINDOW, AND IT STICKS.

THEY GO DOWN ON EACH
OTHER IN ALL DIFFERENT
CONFIGURATIONS:

IT'S 69, IT'S 29,

'CAUSE THE KIDS
ARE YOUNG, IT'S 9.

THE FATHER BENDS HIS KID
OVER ON THE GUY'S DESK

AND HE'S LIKE TAKIN' HIM FROM
BEHIND, WHICH ISN'T RIGHT.

I JUST WANT TO SAY RIGHT NOW,

IF ANY OF YOU PEOPLE
ARE DOING THIS

THAT ARE WATCHING THIS,

IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX
WITH YOUR FAMILY,

I DON'T CONDONE IT.
I THINK IT'S WRONG.

I DO A LOT OF P.S.A.s

TO SUPPORT "DO NOT
FUCK YOUR FAMILY".

SO THEY'RE ALL FUCKING
EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE
KID CAN'T TAKE IT.

DIARRHEA STARTS SQUIRTING
OUT OF HIS ASS.

IT'S LIKE A
HAEMORRHAGING SHIT-ASS.

THE KID STARTS SPINNING
IN A CIRCLE 'CAUSE HE
CAN'T CONTROL IT.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE
CURLY IN "THE STOOGES".

"MO, LARRY, THE CHEESE."

THE PROJECTILE SHIT IS
JUST FLYING OUT OF HIM,

IT'S GOING ALL OVER THE
ROOM. IT'S LIKE SPIN ART,

SO YOU DON'T KNOW
WHETHER TO SHIT OR
PUKE IN THIS ROOM,

THAT'S HOW... WHAT
THE FUCK AM I DOING?

THEN! WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

YOU GET TO BE A
COMIC FOR COMICS.

THIS IS... THIS IS FUN.

SO THEN THEY START
SINGING "MAKE 'EM L..."

AND "BE A CLOWN".

THE FATHER'S HAEMORRHOID
POPS, RIGHT?

SO HE GRABS IT UP, PUTS IT
ON THE END OF HIS NOSE

LIKE A CLOWN,
LIKE EMMETT KELLY,

EXCEPT HE'S COVERED IN SHIT.

THEN THEY ALL
START MAKING OUT.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE MAD

'CAUSE ALL KIDDING ASIDE...

BY THE WAY THIS WOULD BE
A GOOD TIME RIGHT NOW

TO TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF
AND GET SOME LOTION,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT WITH THIS FAMILY.

THEY JUST START
JACKIN' AND...

OH, CAN I GET
A COPY OF THIS?

I'D LIKE TO SEND IT TO
THE KIDS ON THE SHOW
"FULL HOUSE" IF I COULD.

IT WAS JUST AN
OPPORTUNITY TO BE VILE,

FOR NO REASON AT ALL,

SO I USED TO LOVE IT.

FATHER CAN'T HELP HIMSELF,

HAULS BACK, SMACKS
WIFE RIGHT IN THE MOUTH,

KNOCKS ALL OF HER TEETH OUT.

STICK HIS FIST,
ACCIDENTALLY MIND YOU,

DOWN HER TOOTHLESS THROAT.

UNBELIEVABLE, HE
ACTUALLY FISTS HER NECK.

I LOVE THE IDEA OF
FLOATING RIGHT PAST THAT,

AS IF THIS IS
THE MOST NORMAL

AND THE THING YOU'RE
MOST USED TO DOING.

I CUM INSIDE MY DAUGHTER'S
ASSHOLE AND...

AND THEN MY WIFE
FELTCHES IT...

I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE
FAMILIAR WITH FELTCHING...

FELCTHING IS WHERE YOU
FUCK SOMEBODY IN THE ASS

AND THEN YOU...

SUCK THE CUM OUT.

TASTY.

JIZZ STRAIGHT: IT'S GOOD,

BUT IF IT HAS THAT
LITTLE TASTE OF SHIT...

WE ALSO HAVE, THE
"DIRTY SANCHEZ".

THAT'S WHERE YOU FUCK
SOMEBODY IN THE ASS,
THEN YOU PULL IT OUT,

THEN YOU GIVE THE GIRL
A MOUSTACHE WITH THE SHIT
THAT'S ON YOUR DICK.

MEXICAN MOUSTACHE.
DING, DING.

THEN THERE'S THE
"STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE".

HE JERKS OFF ON HER FACE

AND PUNCHES HER
IN THE NOSE!

SHE'S BLEEDING,
AND THERE'S WHITE...

THEN A "RUSTY TROMBONE",
OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW.

C'MON! THE
"RUSTY TROMBONE",
PEOPLE'VE HEARD IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU SPREAD
A MAN'S ASSHOLE,

AND THEN THERE'S
THE RUSTY HOLE.

AND I LICK HIS ASS
WHILE I REACH AROUND
AND JERK HIM OFF.

AND THAT'S HOW YA...

AND THEN THERE'S
"SPACE DOCKING"

WHERE YOU TAKE A SHIT
IN A GIRL'S PUSSY.

I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S
EVER DONE THAT.

I WOULD MAKE SURE

THAT I WAS TREATING
THOSE THINGS AS...

"AND THEN HE TOOK
OUT THE CARBURETOR,

AND HE BEGAN TO TAKE
THE CARBURETOR APART,
AND THE INTAKE..."

I'M FUCKING MY DAUGHTER,
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

WHILE SHE'S KNOBBING MY SON.

AND... AND HE'S NOT
TRYING TO BE FOUL,

BUT HE GENUINELY
BELIEVES IT'S REALLY
QUITE NOVEL WHAT WE DO,

AND... AND YOU'D BE
CRAZY NOT TO HIRE US.

AND MAKE IT AS MATTER
OF FACT AS POSSIBLE.

THAT'S THE JOY FOR ME

OF SAYING SOMETHING THAT
VIOLATES SOMEONE'S BOUNDARIES.

THE MOTHER CLIPS
ALL THE NAILS OFF
OF ONE OF HER HANDS,

PUTS IT UP HER DAUGHTER,

AND STARTS WORKING
HER LIKE A PUPPET.

THE FATHER'S GOT
SMELLING SALTS

THAT HE'S BEEN
GIVING TO HIS KIDS

WHO KEEP PASSING
OUT, YOU KNOW,

FROM THE FACT THAT
THEIR HEADS ARE BLEEDING

AND THEY'VE BEEN
ANALLY RAPED IN FRONT
OF AN AGENT, YET.

THE MOTHER HAD A BIG
BOIL ON HER BACK.

THAT POPPED.

YOU ALWAYS WANT TO MAKE
SURE THAT YOU HAVEN'T
LEFT ANYTHING OUT,

BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT
THERE'S ALWAYS THE
CHANCE TO BE TOPPED.

HE TAKES OUT HIS PENIS

AND HE GOES OVER TO
THE AGENT'S DESK,

HE STARTS SLAMMING
HIS DICK IN THE DRAWER.

JUST FLATTENS IT RIGHT
OUT LIKE A BOOKMARK,

AND THEN JUST STARTS
SMACKING HIS KIDS WITH IT.

FLICKS THEM LIKE A
WET TOWEL AT THE GYM.

AND HE KNOCKS ONE OF HIS
KIDS RIGHT IN THE EYE,

AND THE KID'S EYE
POPS OUT. WELL...

HE LOOKS AT THAT AS AN
OPPORTUNITY, MIND YOU.

JUST TRYING TO GO FURTHER

THAN ANYONE HAD
EVER GONE BEFORE.

JUST PUTS HIS FLAT WIENER
RIGHT IN THAT EYE SOCKET.

GETS CAUGHT. GETS CAUGHT
ON THE BACK OF HIS RETINA,

AND HE STARTS TRYING
TO GET HIM OFF OF HIM,

AND HE'S COCKEYED.
NO? OKAY.

SO ALL THIS IS
GOING ON...

Audience:

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I GOT TO GO ON.

I'M SORRY. I GOT
PEOPLE TO ENTERTAIN.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT IS SO UNIQUE
ABOUT THIS JOKE

IS THAT IT'S SO
ABSURDLY FRONT-LOADED

THAT IT'S ALMOST THE
OPPOSITE OF A JOKE.

STEAM IS BUILT UP
IN THE SET-UP.

THERE'S SOMETHING
VERY SATISFYING

IN THAT STRUCTURE ITSELF

OF MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM,
MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM

AND THE PUNCHLINE, BY
THE WAY, MEANS NOTHING.

THERE'S SOMETHING VERY
SATISFYING IN THAT.

BUT IT IS THE KIND OF
JOKE THAT, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU SPENT THIS
MUCH TIME ON A SET-UP,

AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE
WAS "THE ARISTOCRATS"

OR ANYTHING, MOST PEOPLE
ARE GOING TO GO, "HUH".

HE SAYS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

OH, LORD.

HERE, HAVE
SOME MONEY.

THE PUNCHLINE IS ALMOST
INTENTIONALLY...

NOT LAME, BUT WEAKER
THAN YOU MIGHT HAVE
EXPECTED IT TO BE.

BUT THE JOURNEY
IS SO MUCH FUN,

THAT YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT
THIS MEANS BY THE WAY.

THE PUNCHLINE CAN BE
THE ICING ON THE CAKE,

BUT THE CAKE CAN
BE REALLY DELICIOUS.

THEY SLICE THAT LITTLE LINE

THAT RUNS UP THE
MIDDLE OF THE TESTICLES,

LIKE A BUTTERFLY
SHRIMP AT BENIHANA.

NOW IT LOOKS LIKE SOME
STRANGE SORT OF MOUTH.

SO THEY HAVE
VENTRILOQUIST NUT SACKS.

AND THEN, THEY BROUGHT
SOME CHILDREN OUT ON STAGE.

THAT WAS SWEET.
ONE GUY LAYS
DOWN WITH,

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A
ROD THE SIZE OF MY ARM,

AND BALANCED THE
KID, UP HIS ASS,
ON THE GUY'S ROD.

THEN THEY JERK
THE KID OFF. THEY
GET THE KID HARD,

NOW THEY PUT
ANOTHER NAKED KID,
HIS ASS ON THAT.

THEY'RE BUILDING
LIKE A TOWER, IT'S...

IT'S SOMETHING YOU
GOT TO SEE TO BELIEVE.
IT'S PHENOMENAL.

BY SPINNING EACH KID IN
A DIFFERENT DIRECTION,

YOU GET THIS
KIND OF... THING.

IT WAS ACTUALLY LOVELY
AND HAD GREAT LIGHTING.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO
TELL IT, WHO TUMBLE

AND MAKE IT GREAT,

AND MAKE THE ACT MORE
INTERESTING AND FABULOUS.

AND THEN THE
ANIMAL PART CAME ON.

AND I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER
EVERYTHING I SAW:

A DONKEY, LLAMA, CAMEL.

SOMETHING THAT
LOOKED LIKE A BISON.

I'M GUESSING, I'VE
NEVER SEEN A BISON.

A GIANT ANIMAL THAT
THEY BROUGHT OUT

THAT YOU
WERE RUBBING.

OH, THAT WASN'T AN ANIMAL,

THAT WASN'T AN ANIMAL.
WHAT WAS IT?

IT WASN'T AN ANIMAL.

WE'RE SO CONDITIONED
NOW TO SITCOM HUMOUR,

WHERE IT'S SET-UP,
PUNCHLINE,

THEY THINK THEY'RE
MISSING IT. THEY DON'T...

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT
THE JOURNEY IS THE FUN.

WHAT INTRIGUES ME
IS HOW IN AMERICA,

YOU CAN LAUGH AT
SOMETHING LIKE ARISTOCRATS

'CAUSE YOU DON'T
HAVE ARISTOCRATS.

WHY DOES THAT
WORK IN AMERICA?

THAT MUCH FOUL
FILTH NEEDS A WORD
LIKE "ARISTOCRATS".

IT ALMOST SOUNDS
QUAINT THAT YOU
CAN PUT A CUTE CAP

ON SOMETHING THAT
RANCID, THAT'S JUST
AS UGLY AS YOU CAN BE

AND IT'S LIKE,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

A FORM OF SOCIETY THAT
DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

I'M NOT GOING TO LIE,
THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

I SAID, "WHAT'S
AN ARISTOCRAT?"

AND I HAD NO IDEA.

JUST THIS ODD WORD,

BUT IT'S THE ONLY WORD
THAT WOULD SATISFY
THAT HUNK OF FILTH.

NOW I HAVE
HEARD THE TWIST

OF CALLING THEM
"THE SOPHISTICATES".

IT ALSO WORKED.
ACTUALLY, MAYBE EVEN
A LITTLE BETTER.

MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER EVEN.

THAT'S NICE;
"THE SOPHISTICATES".

I PERSONALLY THINK IT'S
A MUCH BETTER CHOICE,
"THE SOPHISTICATES".

"OH, WE'RE
'SOPHISTICATES'."

JUST THE GOOFINESS
OF A PERSON

TURNING THE JOKE
UPON THEMSELF,

WHEREAS ARISTOCRATS ARE
SELDOM SELF-APPOINTED,

THEREFORE, THE
JOKE IS SATIRE.

THAT'S A POLITICAL
STATEMENT.

Man:
YOU KNOW WHAT
WOULD BE GREAT

IS JUST TO ADD
TO THIS LIST

OF SHIT-EATING AND
EVERYTHING ELSE,

IS JUST ADD
REPUBLICAN.

AND THE DEMOCRATS TOO.

IT'S NOT ABOUT DEMOCRATS
AND REPUBLICANS.

BECAUSE OF THE LANGUAGE
AND THE IMAGES,

THAT GIVES IT A
POLITICAL SLANT.

I DON'T THINK THE
ORIGINAL INTENT

WAS TO DO ANYTHING
BUT TELL A WILD JOKE.

THERE'S NO ACT
IN ENGLAND THAT AN
ARISTOCRAT WOULDN'T DO...

IF IT DOESN'T INVOLVE
SHAGGING ANIMALS

OR FIST-FUCKING
COWS, OR ANYTHING.

THIS WAS THE EVENING
OF "MONTY PYTHON AND
THE HOLY GRAIL".

AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE'S
OUR FRIEND ERIC IDLE,

GEORGE HARRISON,
AND TERRY GILLIAN.

WE WERE, YOU KNOW,
JUST TELLING JOKES

AND GEORGE SAID,
"INSTEAD OF 'ARISTOCRAT'
OR 'SOPHISTICATES',

WE USE 'ROYALTY'."

WHICH IS AN EVEN
FUNNIER JOKE.

AN ENGLISH ONE APPARENTLY;
THERE'S "DEBONAIRS"

BUT THAT DOESN'T
REALLY GRAB ME.

WHEN I HEARD IT, IT
WAS "THE DEBONAIRS",

WHICH I THINK
IS EVEN FUNNIER.

IT HAS A CERTAIN
JE NE SAIS QUOI.

"THE DEBONAIRS".
I LIKE THAT.

THE, UH, "THE ARISTOCRATS"
IS PRETTY FUNNY THE MORE
YOU THINK ABOUT IT!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
OTHER GUYS ARE TELLING
YOU. I HAVE THE ORIGINAL.

THE ORIGINAL WAS THAT
PEOPLE WERE SIGNING THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

THEY WERE GOING TO
HAVE A BIG PARTY.

THAT'S THE ORIGINAL
WAY IT WAS TOLD.

I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA. YOU
GO TO INDEPENDENCE HALL,

YOU SEE THE LIBERTY BELL, THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
AND ALL THAT,

AND THERE IS, FRAMED,
A SKETCH OF THE ORIGINAL
TELLING OF "THE ARISTOCRAT".

AND YOU SEE
BEN FRANKLIN LAUGHING

AND YOU SEE BETSY ROSS
TAKING A DUMP.

BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL
JOKE, WHEN THEY SLID,

THROUGH THE SHIT AND VOMIT,

THEY HIT THE BELL.

AND THAT'S WHAT
CRACKED THE BELL.

YOU LOOK AT THE SIGNERS.
THERE'S ONE VERY HEAVY SIGNER.

HE'S THE ONE THAT
FUCKED UP THE BELL.

I TOLD THE ORIGINAL.

YOU WATCH, A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO
TELL THIS "ARISTOCRAT"

A DIFFERENT WAY,
AND THAT'S FUCKED.

UH... THIS JOKE,

MY GRANDFATHER
TOLD MY FATHER.

HE HEARD IT FROM
HIS GRANDFATHER,

IT GOES ALL THE
WAY BACK, THIS JOKE.

SOMETIMES AS IT WAS KNOWN AS
"THE TALE OF PUSHTUCHKIN",

THE, UH, THE GAY RABBI.

"VAT IS DAT?"

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

THERE'S A SIMILAR TALE.

IT GET MIXED UP.

MY GRANDFATHER TOOK
THIS JOKE SO FAR,

HIS ENTIRE LIFE,
HE LIVED 67 YEARS,

ALWAYS IN A CONSTANT
STATE OF THIS JOKE.

CONSTANT! EAT,
EVERYTHING HE DID:

MARRIED, CHILDREN,
EVERYTHING.

IT WAS SET-UP,
SET-UP, SET-UP, SET-UP,

AND THEN JUST THE MOMENT
HE DIED: PUNCHLINE.

"WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS
ACT?" "THE ARISTOCRATS."
HE'S DEAD.

AND YOU KNOW, WE LAUGHED.

WE SAID, "GRANDPA'S
DEAD. WELL...

OH, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'.

I GET IT. ALL OF A
SUDDEN, HIS ENTIRE
LIFE, I GET THIS."

WE THOUGHT, AND WE WERE
RIGHT, THAT HE WAS CRAZY.

BUT HE WILL... NO
ONE WILL TOP HIM.

NO ONE WILL TOP THIS
GUY, UNCLE YANUSH.

MY GRANDFATHER'S
UNCLE'S YAN...

SEE THAT'S BAD
IMPROV RIGHT THERE.

MY GRANDFATHER,
UNCLE YANUSH.

I REMEMBER BEING
AT SCHOOL, AND I
REMEMBER GOING HOME,

AND MY GRANDMOTHER
SITTING ME DOWN AND
TELLING ME THE JOKE.

SHE'S FROM, UH, POLAND,
SO SHE ONLY SPOKE YIDDISH.

THE ONLY ENGLISH WORD
SHE KNEW WAS 'CUNT'.

I REMEMBER "CUNT",

AND I REMEMBER HER SAYING,
"EAT, EAT," AND...

AND "CUNT".

YOU KNOW, NOW THAT
I THINK BACK ON IT,

IT'S PROBABLY WRONG.

Carrie Fisher:
THERE WAS THIS STORY MY
MOTHER USED TO TELL ME:

THERE WAS A GOAT IN "TAMMY"

THAT MY FATHER GOT
VERY INVOLVED WITH

WHILE HE WAS WORKING.

THEY WENT ON THE
ROAD WITH THIS ACT.

MY FATHER WAS BLOWING
THIS GOAT OVER AT MGM,

AND MY MOTHER
WALKED IN ON THEM,

AND MY MOTHER JUST
THOUGHT THAT WAS ADORABLE.

MY MOTHER'S A
GOLDEN-SHOWER QUEEN.

THE ORIGINAL MOVIE OF
"SINGING IN THE RAIN"

WAS A HUGE GOLDEN-
SHOWER EXTRAVAGANZA,

BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY
GET PAST THE CENSORS

WHICH IS A SHAME,
BECAUSE THERE WERE
SOME WONDERFUL NUMBERS

WITH MICKEY ROONEY, UH...

WHO IS HUGE WITH...
WITH FISTING.

YOU KNOW, IN THE
EARLY DAYS IN HOLLYWOOD

IT WAS COMPLETELY ACCEPTED.

I ALWAYS LOVE SHOW-
BUSINESS JOKES,

THESE ONES THAT SEEM
A LITTLE MORE INSIDE.

AND IN A VERY SORT OF
TWISTED, WARPED WAY,

THIS DISGUSTING, FOUL JOKE

IS A JOKE ABOUT THE SWEET
OLD DAYS OF SHOW BUSINESS.

IN MY SHOW, I'M GOING TO
SIT ON TOP OF THE PIANO,

AND FIT THE WHOLE
THING IN MY VAGINA.

THE PERCUSSIONIST, I LOVE
THAT WORD, PERCUSSIONIST,

IS GOING TO TAKE
HIS TRIANGLE,

PUT IT IN FRONT
OF MY TRIANGLE,

AND CLING-A-LING-A-
LING WITH THE TROLLEY

JUST THE WAY
MOMMA SANG IT.

AND THEN I'M GOING TO TAKE
THE BANGER TO THE TRIANGLE

AND CLING-A-LANG IT UNTIL
MY CLITORIS SWELLS UP

INTO A LARGE, MACY'S-
DAY-PARADE BALLOON.

I'M GOING TO TAKE IT
AND STRETCH IT OUT,

AND I'M GOING TO WRAP IT
AROUND THE MICROPHONE CORD,

AND FLING OVER MY SHOULDER
THE WAY MOMMA USED TO DO,

AS I'M SINGING:
♪ WHAT'LL I HAVE

♪ THAT I DON'T HAVE?

WHERE'D THAT NOTE GO?

AND THEN THE REST OF THE
BAND'S GOING TO JUMP UP,

AND WE'RE GOING TO SING:

♪ SHINE YOUR SHOES,
SHINE YOUR SHOES ♪

AND I'M GOING TO SHINE MY
SHOES WITH MY VAGINA JUICES,

PUT THEM BACK ON,
TAP, TAP, TAP,

DO A SPLIT, AND
THAT'S THE ACT.

I'M GOING TO CALL IT...

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC?

THIS IS A JOKE THAT'S
PRETTY MUCH EXCLUSIVE
TO SHOW BUSINESS,

YOU NEVER HEAR A
PHYSICIST GOING,

"IT'S A MUON, YOU CUNT!"

AND NOW I HAVE A JOKE
FOR YOU VERY SIMILAR

TO "THAT'S WHY THE GROUP
IS CALLED ARISTOCRATS".

IN A SHOW BUSINESS
THEME WITH A NICE TURN.

THERE'S AN AUDITION
FOR A PIANO PLAYER AT
A VERY EXCLUSIVE BAR,

AND A GUY SHOWS UP AND THE
OWNER OF THE CLUB SAYS,

"LISTEN, THIS IS A VERY,
VERY EXCLUSIVE PLACE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO BE ABLE
TO PLAY ALL DIFFERENT
STYLES OF MUSIC,

BUT THEY HAVE TO BE VERY
CLASSY." AND THE GUY SAYS,
"I CAN DO ANYTHING."

THE GUY PLAYS THE PIANO.
IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

SONG THE OWNER EVER
HEARD IN HIS LIFE.

HE SAYS, "THAT'S GREAT.
I'VE NEVER HEARD
THAT SONG BEFORE."

AND HE GOES, "WELL,
IT'S AN ORIGINAL.
I WROTE IT MYSELF."

HE GOES, "OH REALLY,
UH, WHAT'S IT CALLED?"

AND HE SAYS IT'S
CALLED "MY DOG WAS
FUCKING ME IN THE ASS

WHILE MY CAT WAS
LICKING MY BALLS."

"WELL, THAT'S, UH...
REALLY AWFUL. DO YOU
HAVE ANY OTHER SONGS?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I
HAVE A WONDERFUL THING
I'LL PLAY FOR YOU."

HE PLAYS THIS KIND
OF JAZZY TUNE,

AND THEY SAY, "OH THAT
WAS GREAT! WHAT WAS
THAT?" AND HE SAYS...

"I ATE YOUR SISTER'S
BLOODY TAMPON."

HE SAYS, "HEY! IT'S A
CLASSY PLACE, PLEASE!

NO MORE OF THAT." HE
GOES, "OH, FINE, FINE."

"YOU KNOW, I REALLY
LIKE YOUR SONGS. I
WANT TO HIRE YOU,

SO GO AHEAD AND PLAY FOR
MY CUSTOMERS, BUT JUST

DON'T TELL THEM ANY
NAMES OF YOUR SONGS."

HE GOES, "OKAY, THAT'S
ALL RIGHT." JUST THAT NIGHT,
HE STARTS PLAYING THE PIANO.

THE CROWD GOES CRAZY,
STANDING OVATION.

THEY NEVER HEARD
ANYTHING LIKE IT. THE
SONGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

AFTER ABOUT AN
HOUR HE SAYS...

"JUST GIVE ME A BREAK,
I GOT TO GO TO THE...
GO TO THE CAN."

SO HE LEAVES, HE
GOES TO THE BATHROOM,

ON HIS WAY OUT HE FORGETS
TO ZIP UP HIS PANTS.

AND SOMEBODY SEES
HIM AND SAYS, "HEY,

YOU KNOW YOUR ZIPPER'S
UNDONE AND YOUR DICK'S
HANGING OUT."

HE SAYS...
Both:
"KNOW IT? I WROTE IT!"

THAT'S WHAT A GROUP
OF ENTERTAINERS
HAVE IN COMMON.

THEY UNDERSTAND THAT
THEY'VE SEEN SHITTY ACTS.

THE WORST BAR BAND
IN SHITSVILLE, OHIO,

ALWAYS HAVE A
GLORIOUS NAME

LIKE THE INCREDIBLE
DIAMOND-STUDDED,
UH, REEFERTONES.

IT'S DONE IN EVERY
ASPECT OF LIFE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL
SEE A LITTLE RUNDOWN,
GREASY-SPOON DINER

CALLING ITSELF
"THE GOURMET CORNER".

BESIDES FROM THE
HUMOUR OF THE JOKE,

THERE'S A SADNESS
THAT THESE PEOPLE

HAD NO SELF-REALIZATION
THAT WHAT THEIR ACT WAS

WOULD GET THEM
ABSOLUTELY NO PLACE,

YET THEY CALL THEMSELVES
"THE ARISTOCRATS"

BECAUSE THEY'RE CLINGING
TO THE VERY LAST VESTIGE
OF RESPECTABILITY.

ABSOLUTELY NO CLASS,
ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE,

BUT THEY ARE IN
SHOW BUSINESS AND
THEY ARE ARISTOCRATS.

I DON'T PUT
"THE ARISTOCRATS" ON MY
RESUME ANY MORE, YOU KNOW?

IT DOESN'T TAKE
AWAY FROM...

LIKE, MY PRIDE.

I ACTUALLY WAS
AN ARISTOCRAT.

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD TO BE
A PART OF THAT LEGEND.

IT WAS MY MOM, MY DAD, ME,
MY BROTHER AND MY NANA.

MY FATHER WOULD
COME OUT ON STAGE,

THE MUSIC WOULD PLAY,

AND HE WOULD
START MASTURBATING.

MY BROTHER COMES OUT.

THEY'D DO A... LIKE,
A MUTUAL MASTURBATION,

KIND OF LIKE A
DUELLING BANJOS.

THEY'RE HOLDING
HANDS AND THEY SPIN.

I STAY IN A
STATIONARY POSITION

WHEN THE ASSHOLES COME BY,

AND I LICK THE ASSHOLES.

AND IN ONE MOTION, MY
MOTHER... BOTH PINKIES
UP THEIR ASSHOLES

AS THEY CUM;
IT'S PRETTY...

IT'S PRETTY SPECTACULAR.

AND IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING.

LIKE, ON ONE LEVEL

IT'S A JOKE ABOUT
SCATOLOGICAL HUMOUR
AND SHOW BUSINESS,

BUT ON ANOTHER LEVEL,
IT'S ABOUT A FAMILY.

IT'S ABOUT THE HOPES AND
DREAMS OF THAT FAMILY.

MY BROTHER HAS
DOWN SYNDROME.

DID I SAY THAT?

PEOPLE MIGHT THINK
IT'S A SETBACK,

BUT REALLY, IT'S
A SELLING POINT.

IT'S NOT A HANDICAP.
I DON'T WANT TO
SAY IT'S A GIFT.

AND WE THINK IT AS
A GIFT JUST IN TERMS
OF TICKET SALES,

BUT I MEAN, WE THINK
OF IT AS SHOWING
THE OTHER BEAUTIES

THAT GOD CREATES,
LIKE, THE ONES WITH
THE BIGGER FOREHEADS

AND THE LOWER EYELIDS.

Interviewer:
THEY EVER ASK

YOU TO BE ON "THE
TONIGHT SHOW"?

NOT "THE TONIGHT SHOW",

BUT JOE FRANKLIN LOVED
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

HE WAS, LIKE, OUR
REHEARSAL DIRECTOR

WHEN DAD AND MY
BROTHER WEREN'T THERE,
AND MY MOTHER...

AND MY NANA,
WEREN'T THERE.

I WAS ON HIS SHOW.

HE SAID IT WASN'T
A TAPED SHOW, UM...

BUT WE... WE,
LIKE, DID A SHOW.

Interviewer:
LIKE, IN HIS
APARTMENT?

YEAH, IT WAS HIS OFFICE.

BUT HE HAD A...
UM... BED IN IT. HUH.

LIKE A COUCH THAT HE
CALLED UNCLE JOE'S BED
FOR LITTLE PEOPLE,

'CAUSE A COUCH IS
LIKE A BED FOR LITTLE
PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

JOE FRANKLIN RAPED ME.

COMEDIANS OFTEN
FEEL LIKE,

"I AM THIS WEIRD,
TWISTED, STRANGE PERSON,

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE OUTER
REACHES OF THE BELL CURVE,

TRYING SOMEHOW TO
PACKAGE THIS IN A WAY

THAT CONFERS UPON ME
SOME KIND OF DIGNITY
AND RESPECT."

MAYBE THAT'S THE
REASON THAT THIS
JOKE IS SO APPEALING.

I DON'T... I'M...
I'VE PLAYED BY
THEIR RULES

FOR A REALLY
LONG TIME AND I

DON'T WANT TO
DO IT ANY MORE.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE
THEY GOING TO DO?
LIKE, PREVENT ME

FROM DOING A SHOW
WITH THE OLSEN TWINS?

AND I THINK YOU'RE ALL
SKIRTING AROUND THIS.

I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD
ALL BE ARISTOCRATS.

THE AUDIENCE, ALL OF US
SHOULD BE ARISTOCRATS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE
CONTRACTED INTO THIS
PURITANICAL IDEA

THAT WE HAVE TO GET
MARRIED WHEN WE'RE YOUNG

AND WE CAN'T FUCK
BOYS AND FUCK GIRLS.

WE CAN DO IT ALL.

STARFISH ARE BI.

YOU EVER SEEN A STARFISH
EAT OUT ANOTHER STARFISH?

IT TAKES FOREVER.
THEY DO IT.

CLOSE THE COMEDY CLUBS
AND OPEN UP BROTHELS

AND BATH HOUSES,
GLORY-HOLES.

THIS IS WHAT THIS
COUNTRY NEEDS.

IT NEEDS A REALLY
TIGHT ORGASM.

YOU KNOW, I'M AN ACTOR, I
WAS IN A LOT OF TV SHOWS.

AND I WENT TO
THIS ORGY ONCE

AND I FUCKED ALL
THESE PEOPLE,

AND SOMEBODY
WHISPERED IN MY EAR,

"YOU WERE GREAT
ON 'FRIENDS'."

BUT YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO HAVE MARY HART

TALK ABOUT THAT WITH ME.

I JUST WANT TO TAKE
AN APPROACH TO THE
JOKE IN MY WAY.

I'M THE AGENT AND
I'M PITCHING IT, OKAY?

SO, THIS VERY
ATHLETIC BLONDE MAN

WALKS ONTO THE STAGE
IN A LEATHER SPEEDO.

HE HAS THIS SLIGHTLY
SADISTIC NATURE ABOUT HIM.

AND HE HAS THIS
FINE, FINE BABY HAIR

ALL OVER THESE VERY
STEELY PECTORAL MUSCLES.

HE HAS LIKE, A
TREASURE TRAIL

THAT GOES DOWN TO
HEAVY-CUT MAN MEAT.

LIKE, AN 11-BY-7 COCK.

HE'S A HORSE-HUNG GUY.

THIS CHICK WALKS UP
WITH THIS ROCKET BODY

AND THIS ARTIFICIAL RACK,

AND SHE LOOKS LIKE
CARMEN ELECTRA,
ONLY BETTER.

AND SHE STARTS GENTLY
RUBBING HER PUSSY.

THIS SUBMISSIVE
SISSY BOY COMES OUT

AND POINTS AT THE
DICK AND SAYS,

"I WANT THAT COCK TO
BUST MY VIRGIN ASS."

THE CHICK STRAPS
ON THIS DILDO

AND HAS THIS REALLY
CHALLENGING, INTENSE
EXPRESSION ON HER FACE

AND SAYS, "LET ME."

SHE STARTS RUBBING HIM
IN A VERY SPIRITUALLY
CENTRED WAY.

LITTLE SISSY BOY IS
OBVIOUSLY DEMANDING
PUSSY BOTTOM.

HE TILTS HIS
ASS UP... GENTLY.

SHE STARTS EATING HIS ASS,

GIVING HIM THIS
RIM-JOB ROYALE,

AS THEY WOULD SAY
IN "PULP FICTION".

THE BIG HORSE-HUNG DICK

IS NOW GOING IN THE
PUSSY BOY'S MOUTH.

HE'S GETTING FACE-FUCKED.

THE GIRL TAKES HIS
COCK AND SLIDES IT
INTO HER PUSSY

BUT WHAT SHE... AND
THIS IS GOING TO BE
IN THE PROGRAMME,

LIKE LINER NOTES,

THAT THE GIRL HAS TRAINED
IN THAT FINE GEISHA WAY,

WHERE THE PUSSY
WOULD CONTRACT

TO MAKE HER VAGINA
PULL UP ON THAT COCK.

WHEN YOU ARE SHOOTING,

IT IS LIKE, YANKING IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE'S
EVER HAD THAT HAPPEN,

BUT IT'S WILD.

AND SHE IS TAKING, LIKE,
A HUGE FUCKING HORSE-LOAD,

AND IT'S CALLED
"THE MISOGYCRATS".

THIS JOKE HOLDS A
MIRROR UP TO ITSELF.

THE PEOPLE WHO...

WHO SAY THE JOKE
MUST CONTAIN SHIT?

DON'T INVITE THEM
INTO YOUR HOME.

THE PEOPLE WHO SAY IT...
MUST INVOLVE BESTIALITY?

DON'T LET THEM
NEAR YOUR DOG.

THIS TELLS YOU A LOT
ABOUT A PERSON, THIS JOKE.

IT'S WHERE YOUR DARKEST
PLACE CAN GO, YOU KNOW?

IN A WAY, THIS
JOKE REALLY ISN'T
ALL THAT RELEVANT.

STANDARDS OF OFFENSIVE
CHANGE OVER TIME.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S
QUITE A TAME JOKE NOW.

THERE'S SOMETHING QUITE
CHARMING ABOUT IT,

WHICH IS WEIRD, ISN'T IT?

"I HAVE GOT THE
PERFECT FAMILY ACT."

HE GOES, "GO
AHEAD, TELL ME."

HE GOES, "MY WIFE
AND I GO OUT,

WE SING AND DANCE,
WE FUCK EACH OTHER.

THE KIDS COME OUT,
THEY SING AND DANCE,

WE FUCK THE KIDS, THE
KIDS FUCK EACH OTHER.

DOG COMES OUT; HE SHITS,
HE PISSES ON ALL OF US.

HE LICKS IT UP, JUMPS
THROUGH A HOOP."

GUY SAYS, "WHAT DO
YOU CALL THE ACT?"

HE GOES,
"THE ARISTOCRATS."

AGENT GOES, "I ALREADY
HAVE AN ACT LIKE THAT."

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO SHOW BUSINESS.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU...
YOU COULD COME OUT,

FUCK THE KIDS, FUCK
THE DOG, DOESN'T MATTER.

"WELL, I'VE ALREADY
SEEN THAT."

THAT'S NOT REALLY A
JOKE ANY MORE. THAT...

THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY...

GREAT IDEA TO
PITCH TO A NETWORK.

I COULD WALK IN
TO NBC TOMORROW,

SAY, "I HAVE A
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY IDEA,

SO DYSFUNCTIONAL, IT
DEFIES DESCRIPTION.

WE HAVE PEOPLE
FUCKING AND SUCKING,
BLOWING ARMADILLOS;

DIDDLING LIKE AN
11-YEAR-OLD CHEERLEADER;

WE COULD BRING IN PEOPLE
FROM THE PAST 'CAUSE
THEY CAN DO THAT NOW.

YOU KNOW, THEY GET
THOSE IDIOTIC ADS,

HUMPHREY BOGART AND ALL
THAT OTHER BULLSHIT.

GET YOUR FUCKING MAJOR
WORLD LEADERS OF THE PAST,

LIKE HITLER AND MUSSOLINI.

GENGHIS KHAN,
FOR GOD'S SAKES.

I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT
AND THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

IT'S NOT A JOKE.
THIS WOULD GO ON TV.

AND WE BLOW HITLER, AND
THEN IN THE NEXT EPISODE,

WE BITE HIS DICK OFF.
HA-HA! SEE WHAT HAPPENS
TO HITLER'S DICK.

THEY'LL BE TURNING
IT ON. PHENOMENAL."

IT'S A FAMILY ACT.
BUT IT'S A...

IT'S A TWIST 'CAUSE
THEY'RE RETARDED.

AND WHAT THEY DO IS
THEY GET ON A PILE
OF DEAD DUNS

AND THEY FUCK
EACH OTHER,

AND THEN THEY
HAVE A BIG CLOSING

WHERE THEY FIST-FUCK
AN AUTISTIC PRE-TEEN.

AND THE AGENT SAYS, "WELL,
WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?"

AND HE SAYS,
"THE OSBOURNES."

A LOT OF WHAT
IS ALREADY
ON TV NOW,

THEY WOULD HAVE
THE DOG-FUCKING

AND THE SHIT-EATING
ON, YOU KNOW...

"FRIENDS".
ON... NOT ON "FRIENDS",

BUT ON... BUT
ON "SOUTH PARK".

YOU GUYS WANT TO
HEAR A FUNNY JOKE
MY GRANDPA TOLD ME?

NO.
OKAY.

SO THIS FAMILY WALKS
INTO A TALENT AGENCY.

IT'S A MOTHER, FATHER,
THEIR SON AND DAUGHTER,

AND A LITTLE BABY.
THE FATHER SAYS,

"SIR, OUR FAMILY
HAS AN AMAZING ACT."

AND THE TALENT AGENT
SAYS, "SORRY, WE DON'T
SIGN FAMILY ACTS.

THEY'RE TOO CUTESY
BUT THEN THE MOTHER GOES,

"PLEASE, SIR, IF YOU
JUST GIVE US TWO MINUTES,

WE KNOW YOU'LL
LIKE OUR ACT.

SO THE TALENT AGENT
SAYS, "ALL RIGHT,
YOU'VE GOT TWO MINUTES."

THE FAMILY JUMPS RIGHT
INTO IT. THRILLING CIRCUS
MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY

AS THE FATHER SPINS
HIS DAUGHTER AROUND,
BENDS HER OVER,

LIFTS UP HER SKIRT
AND STARTS LICKING

HER ASSHOLE.
WHAT?

THEN THE SON LAYS
DOWN ON THE FLOOR
AND OPENS HIS MOUTH

AND THE MOTHER SQUATS DOWN
OVER HIS FACE AND STARTS
SHITTING ALL OVER HIM.

DUDE!
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

THE FATHER GRABS THE BABY,
TAKES OFF HIS DIAPER,

AND STARTS SUCKING
HIS COCK, RIGHT?
WHILE THE SON,

STILL WITH HIS
MOTHER'S SHIT IN
HIS MOUTH, GOES OVER

AND LICKS THE BABY'S
TINY LITTLE BALLS.

DUDE...
HOLD ON, KYLE.

THEN THE FATHER AND
SON TAKE THE BABY

AND START STUFFING IT
HEAD FIRST BACK INTO
THE MOTHER'S VAGINA.

DUDE, JUST STOP.
THEY GET THE...
HOLD ON, KYLE.

THEY GET THE BABY
HALFWAY IN SO THAT
JUST HIS LEGS

ARE STICKING OUT,
ALL KICKING AND
FLAILING AROUND.

THE SON TAKES
THE MOTHER'S SHIT
OUT OF HIS MOUTH

AND STARTS RUBBING IT
ALL OVER EVERYONE,

WHILE THE FATHER STICKS
HIS COCK IN THE BABY'S
ASSHOLE AND FUCKS IT,

WHILE IT'S STILL
INSIDE THE MOTHER

UNTIL HE CUMS ALL OVER
THE BABY, THE WIFE, THE
SON AND THE DAUGHTER.

CA... CARTMAN, I
DON'T WANT TO...

KYLE! WILL YOU
HOLD ON PLEASE?

THEN THE FATHER
GETS UP AND SAYS,

"AND NOW FOR OUR
IMPERSONATION OF
THE VICTIMS OF 9/11."

AND THE WHOLE FAMILY
STARTS RUNNING
AROUND THE ROOM

COVERED WITH SHIT
AND PISS AND CUM

GOING, "AAAHHH!!
AAAHHH!!

THE BUILDING'S
COMING DOWN! HELP!"

AND THE FAMILY RUNS
BACK TO THE CENTRE
OF THE ROOM

AND GOES, "TAH-DAH!"

AND THE TALENT AGENT,
HE JUST SITS THERE.

AND FINALLY HE SAYS,
"JESUS, THAT'S A
HELL OF AN ACT.

WHAT DO YOU
CALL IT?"

AND THE FATHER SAYS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

HEH-HEH-HEH.

I DON'T GET IT.

NEITHER DO I.

IT DOESN'T COUNT
AS TRANSGRESSIVE

IF YOU PUT ANY MORE.
WELL, WE'RE
REINVENTING THE JOKE

FOR NEW GENERATIONS
BY PUTTING IN STUFF

THAT'S OFFENSIVE NOW.

NOW, THE WORLD HAS
CHANGED, YOU KNOW?

SHOCK... SHOCK-ABILITY
HAS GONE INTO A WHOLE
OTHER LEVEL.

YOU COULD SAY, "NIGGAH,
NIGGAH, NIGGAH, SPIC,
DICK, CUNT..." EVERY...

YOU COULD SAY ALL
THAT. PEOPLE GO...

WHEN YOU'RE AMONG
COMEDIANS, YOU GOT...

YOU REALLY HAVE
TO PUSH THE ENVELOPE.

WHAT? COMEDIAN TELLING
IT TO COMEDIANS AS A...?

HE'D PROBABLY DO A FILTHIER,
DISGUSTING VERSION OF IT

FOR HIS PEERS THAN...
THAN HE WOULD FOR

MAYBE HIS FRIENDS
AT THE BAR FROM THE
OLD NEIGHBOURHOOD.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE PERFORMING
IN FRONT YOUR FAMILY,

YET THERE'S NO HOLDS BARRED,

AND THERE'S A LEVEL
OF APPRECIATION

THAT'S GOING TO SORT
OF GO ALONG WITH IT.

I DARE YOU PREVENT IT...

TO TELL THAT JOKE ON
STAGE IN FRONT OF ANYONE.

IF YOU COULD MAKE
AN AUDIENCE LAUGH AT
THAT, YOU ARE GOD.

I'M A WRITER AT THE
"NEW YORK OBSERVER".

FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS,
I'VE BEEN COVERING
THE FRIAR'S ROAST,

AND THIS YEAR I WROTE
ABOUT GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S
TAKE ON "THE ARISTOCRATS".

GILBERT GOTTFRIED DID IT
AT THE HUGH HEFNER ROAST.

IT WAS THE FUNNIEST
FUCKING JOKE EVER.

THIS ROAST WAS HAPPENING
NOT EVEN THREE WEEKS
AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th,

SO THERE WAS
A BIG DISCUSSION

ABOUT WHAT WAS RIGHT
IN TERMS OF TASTE.

THERE HADN'T BEEN ANY
COMEDY IN NEW YORK

AND IT WAS VERY FRESH.

WE WERE FACED WITH,
LIKE, HAVING TO,
LIKE, PUT UP A SHOW,

PUT ON TUXEDOS, GET
HUGH HEFNER AND HIS
PUSSY POSSE ON A PLANE.

IT WASN'T AN EASY SELL,
BUT WE GOT HIM TO DO IT.

TO HIS CREDIT, WE RAISED
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS

FOR CHARITY, FOR 9/11
RELATED CHARITIES.

PEOPLE NEEDED A
LAUGH, THE RELEASE.

EVERYBODY WAS PULLING BACK.

EVERYBODY WAS REALLY
SORT OF BEING CAREFUL.

ROB SCHNEIDER
WENT ON FIRST.

HE WAS DOING GREAT,
THEN HE MISSED A FEW

AND A COUPLE OF
JOKES DIDN'T WORK.

AND I WENT UP TO THE
MIC AND I SAID, "ROB,

HASN'T THERE BEEN ENOUGH
BOMBING IN THIS CITY?"

AND HERE COMES GILBERT,
AND HE JUST WENT FOR BROKE.

IT WAS UN... I MEAN,
IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

GILBERT GOTTFRIED TOOK THE
MIC, TOOK THE ROOM OVER...

HE SAID HE WAS TRYING
TO GET A DIRECT FLIGHT
TO LOS ANGELES.

HE WAS NERVOUS 'CAUSE HIS
PLANE HAD A CONNECTION
ON THE WAY HOME

AT THE EMPIRE STATE
BUILDING. LIKE...

THAT WAS WHEN
THE CROWD TURNED. THEY
STARTED BOOING HIM.

THERE WAS A GUY IN
THE AUDIENCE SHOUTING,
"TOO SOON, TOO SOON."

THE CROWD WAS MURMURING,
AND HE SAID...
OKAY.

A MAN...

A TRAV... A TALENT AGENT
IS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE.

A FAMILY WALKS IN:

MAN, WOMAN, THEIR TWO KIDS
AND THEIR LITTLE DOG.

THE TALENT AGENT
GOES, "WHAT KIND OF
AN ACT DO YOU DO?"

IT WAS LIKE HE HAD MADE
THIS CONSCIOUS DECISION,

"OKAY, I CAN'T PUSH
THE ENVELOPE OF TASTE

IN TERMS OF WHAT
HAPPENED IN SEPTEMBER,

SO I'M GOING TO PUSH
IT IN A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT DIRECTION."

IT WAS ARGUABLY
THE DIRTIEST ROAST

THE FRIARS HAD EVER DONE.

THE FATHER STARTS
FUCKING HIS WIFE;

THE WIFE STARTS
JERKING OFF THE SON;

THE SON STARTS GOING
DOWN ON THE SISTER;

THE SISTER STARTS
FINGERING THE
DOG'S ASSHOLE.

HE JUST GRABBED IT BY
THE THROAT, YOU KNOW...

HE JUST ATTACKED.

THEN, THE SON STARTS
BLOWING HIS FATHER!

WANT ME TO START
AT THE BEGINNING?

IF YOU MISSED ANY PORTION,

I'LL REPEAT IT.

Frank Digiacomo:
THERE WAS THIS WEIRD
BUZZ THAT CAME,

AND YOU COULD SEE THE
GUYS UP ON THE DAIS

WERE LOOKING
AT EACH OTHER,

AND THEY HAD THIS LOOK OF
FAMILIARITY IN THEIR EYES.

THEY WERE ALL
SORT OF SAYING,

"WHERE IS HE GOING
TO TAKE THIS THING?"

THEN THE DAUGHTER
STARTS LICKING OUT
THE FATHER'S ASSHOLE.

THEN THE FATHER
SHITS ON THE FLOOR,

THE MOTHER SHITS
ON THE FLOOR,

THE DOG PISSES AND
SHITS ON THE FLOOR.

THEY ALL JUMP DOWN INTO
THE SHIT AND PISS AND CUM,

AND THEY START FUCKING
AND SUCKING EACH OTHER.

AND THEN THEY TAKE A BOW.

Audience:

AND THE TALENT
AGENT SAYS...

I'LL WAIT TILL
YOU'RE READY.

I AM SITTING AT A
TABLE OF ALL COMICS.
WE'RE ON THE FLOOR.

THEY MIGHT HAVE TO
CLEAN THIS UP FOR TV.

Drew Carey:
I WAS LAUGHING 'CAUSE

HE JUST WAS GOING
SO BIG WITH IT,

WHICH I CAN'T IMAGINE
GILBERT GOTTFRIED DOING.

IT WAS PROBABLY
ONE OF THE BEST

SINGLE TELLINGS OF A
JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD.

NOW WHERE WAS I? OH YES.

THE SON IS LICKING OUT
HIS FATHER'S ASSHOLE.

I ALMOST DIED
BECAUSE I COULDN'T...

COULDN'T CATCH MY
BREATH FOR LAUGHING.

THEY FUCK AND SUCK EACH
OTHER AND THEY TAKE A BOW.

AND THE TALENT AGE...
DID YOU MISS ANY
PORTION OF THIS?

THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "WELL,
THAT'S AN INTERESTING ACT,"

WHICH IS KIND OF
AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

THE LAUGH WAS SO DEEP AND
CATHARTIC THAT IT WAS...

LIKE, PEOPLE WERE COUGHING
UP PIECES OF LUNG.

JUST... IT WAS AMAZING.
AND A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE

WHO WERE WATCHING HIM
OR UP ON THE DAIS,
THEY'RE ALL IN COMEDY,

AND IT WAS AS IF HE
HAD UNITED EVERYBODY
IN THAT ONE MOMENT

BECAUSE HE TOLD SOMETHING
THAT THEY ALL KNEW

AND THEY ALL HAD SOME
SORT OF HANDLE ON IT.

AND HE JUST FOCUSED
IT AND DID IT.

HE CLEARLY HAD IMPRESSED
A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE ROOM.

NOW...

Frank Digiacomo:
HE PULLED THIS THING
OUT AND DID IT SO WELL

AND WITH SUCH
FEARLESSNESS.

I HATE TO END THIS ON A
REALLY SENTIMENTAL NOTE.

Frank Digiacomo:
THERE WAS THIS SOUND
IN THE AUDIENCE

THAT YOU REALLY KNEW
THAT THERE WAS...

SOMETHING WAS
HAPPENING HERE THAT
WAS OUTSIDE MY GRASP

AND, YOU KNOW, ANYONE
ELSE WHO WASN'T A
TOTAL COMEDY VETERAN.

AGAIN, NOT A GREAT JOKE,
SO FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
HEAR GILBERT GOTTFRIED
TELL A JOKE LIKE THAT,

IT'S A PICASSO.

THE JOKE, I DIDN'T
CARE ABOUT ANY MORE,

I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW
FAR HE WOULD TAKE IT,

AND WHEN HE WOULD
NOT STOP SAYING,

"FUCKING AND SUCKING
AND FUCKING..."

WATCHING HIM GO THROUGH
HIS APOPLECTIC,

RHYTHMIC INCANTATION
OF THE WHOLE THING
SORT OF TAKES OVER.

THE FACT THAT HE IS SAYING
THESE PARTICULAR WORDS

ALMOST DOESN'T MATTER.

HE SAYS, "NOW WHAT DO
YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

AND THEY GO,
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

OH-HO!

WELL, SEE...
IT'S JUST A...

IT'S JUST A JOKE.

HELP!

IT'S AS SHOCKING AS
THE FIRST TIME YOU
HEARD IT, ISN'T IT?

DON'T TOUCH ME.

IS THAT THE JOKE
THAT YOU REMEMBER?

WELL, I DIDN'T
HEAR IT THAT WAY.

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE.

I'M ALREADY FEELING LIKE
I DIDN'T DO IT JUSTICE.

I HAD FUCKING THE DAUGHTER
IN THERE, BUT I DIDN'T...

I DIDN'T COLOUR IT IN
WITH COLOURFUL ADJECTIVES.

UH, "AN ARM LIKE POPEYE."

I DIDN'T REALIZE THE
BILL THAT I WAS ON.

WHAT'S THE MOST
POSSIBLY VILE AND
OFFENSIVE THING

YOU COULD ADD
TO TOP ALL THAT.

IF THE GUY TOOK SOME
OF THE SHIT THAT
WAS ON THE STAGE

AND SMEARED IT ON
HIS FACE AND DID A
BLACK-FACE ROUTINE.

DOING A MINSTREL ACT.

THAT'S GOOD. ADD
RACE-BAITING.

SEX ANY MORE, WHO GIVES
A SHIT? THE RACIAL ISSUE

HAS REPLACED
THE SEXUAL ISSUE.

I'M THE AGENT AND
YOU'RE THE CLIENT.

OKAY. ARE YOU
A JEW AGENT,

YOU FILTHY,
HOOK-NOSED

THIEVING FUCK?
YEAH.

THE AGENT SAYS, "YEAH,
WHAT DO YOU DO?"

HE GOES, "A BLACK
GUY COMES ON

AND STARTS
SUCKIN' MY COCK

LIKE IT'S A
CHICKEN NECK BONE.

THIS INDIAN COMES ON...

YOU KNOW, SLURPIE INDIAN,
NOT CASINO INDIAN...

SPRINKLES CURRY
ON EVERYBODY

AND START STINKING
UP THE PLACE.

A SPIC COMES ON, STEALS
EVERYBODY'S WALLET,

AND TAKES A SHIT
ON THE STAGE.

BLACK GUY GRABS A MOP,
STICKS IT UP THE
GAY GUY'S ASS

AND MOPS UP THE
FUCKING FLOOR."

THE AGENT SAYS,
"HOLY SHIT.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS
CALL YOURSELVES?"

THE FAG GOES,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

ONE OF THE CLICHES
PEOPLE OFTEN GO TO IS...

NOW A LOT OF... SOME PEOPLE
DO THIS FOR SHOCK VALUE.

WELL, SHOCK IS JUST ANOTHER
UPTOWN WORD FOR SURPRISE.

GRANTED IT HAS A DIFFERENT
QUALITY TO IT,

BUT A JOKE IS ABOUT
SURPRISING SOMEONE.

LIKE THREE WOMEN OF
COLOUR, THEY GO IN THIS,
UH, AGENT'S OFFICE.

THEY GO, "WELL,
WHAT DO YOU DO?"

SHE GOES, "WELL, MY
SISTER PLAYS THE CELLO.

SHE PLAYS, UH, CHOPIN'S, UH,
"THIRD MOVEMENT IN B MINOR".

I LAY ON A CHAISE
LOUNGE, NUDE,

READING SONNETS
FROM SHAKESPEARE,

AND THEN MY THIRD SISTER
PAINTS A PAINTING

VERY SIMILAR TO
DECROIX'S "THE GIRL".

HE GOES, "WOW,
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU
CALL THIS ACT?"

SHE GOES, "OH, WE'RE
'NIGGER CUNTS'."

BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.

THAT'S THE TWO WORST
WORDS IN THE WORLD.

I'M A GREAT BELIEVER
IN CONTEXT.

I SAY YOU CAN JOKE
ABOUT ANYTHING.

FUNNY IS FUNNY. IF THEY'RE
TOLD WITH A FUNNY BONE,

ANYTHING'S ACCEPTABLE.

I MEAN, LET'S
HAVE SOME FUN.

YOU KNOW, AFTER THE TRAGIC
EVENTS OF, UH, JANUARY 3rd,

COME ON.

ON JANUARY 3rd,
I LEFT MY VISA

AT THE FOUR SEASONS ON
DOHENY. IT WAS LIKE...

I DO LIKE FINDING OUT
WHERE THE LINE IS DRAWN,

DELIBERATELY CROSSING IT,

BRINGING SOME OF THEM
WITH ME ACROSS THE LINE

AND HAVING THEM BE
HAPPY THAT I DID.

I LIKE TO TAKE
CHANCES BECAUSE...

I JUST THINK THAT,
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT
COMEDY IS ALL ABOUT.

I PULL UP MOMMY'S DRESS,

AND I PUT MY WIENER
IN HER BUTT.

AND I PUSH IT INTO
HER UNWILLING ANUS...

AND I MOVE MY WIENER
BACK AND FORTH UNTIL
STUFF SHOOTS OUT.

TILL IT'S FINALLY JUST A
WHOLE PROLAPSED RECTUM.

IT LOOKS LIKE AN
ULCERATED SEA SNAKE.

REMEMBER WHEN I TOOK
YOU TO SEA WORLD? YEAH.

AND ALL THIS STUFF
SHOOTS ONTO HER FACE.

AND I STICK MY COCK IN HER
ASS. IT'S LIKE A SHILLELAGH.

IT'S ALL KNOTTED WITH
BOILS AND FIBROUS TUMOURS.

I'LL SHOW YOU A
LITTLE BIT LATER.

THE BROTHER COMES OUT.
HE EATS THE STUFF
OFF HER FACE.

WITH THIS BLEEDING ANUS
SPLATTERING ON THE CROWD,

WE GIVE THE FRONT
ROW GARBAGE BAGS.

HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN GALLAGHER?

YEAH, I DIDN'T LIKE
IT THAT MUCH MYSELF.

AND THEY EAT THE
POOP OFF THE FLOOR.

AND HE SAYS, "TAH-DAH!"

AND THE MAN SAYS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

AND BOTH OF THE MEN
ARE PROBABLY JEWS.

Alan Kirschenbaum:
THAT THERE'S STILL
A JOKE OUT THERE

THAT MAYBE THEY
SHOULDN'T TELL,

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THEY'RE
TAKING A CHANCE TELLING;

MAYBE THEY GET
A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS

AS THEY START THE
JOKE, MEANS SOMETHING.

EVEN IN TODAY'S
DAY AND AGE,

THEY JUST GET A
LITTLE MURMUR INSIDE

AND I THINK THAT WOULD BE

WHAT KEEPS A JOKE
LIKE THIS SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER
REALIZED ANY OF THAT

STUFF WAS CONSIDERED
DIRTY, 'CAUSE I WAS...

IT'S FUNNY, BEFORE
YOU GUYS GOT HERE,

I WAS EATING A PLATE
OF MY OWN SHIT.

UM, AND THAT
THE... HEY, MYLE.
HEY!

DO YOU KNOW THIS
JOKE ABOUT...

THE PUNCHLINE IS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS".

I TOTALLY DO
NOT GET IT.

YOU DON'T GET
THE JOKE?

SOMEONE TOLD IT TO ME
BUT I DON'T GET IT.

'CAUSE IT'S A
WHOLE FAMILY'S HAVING
SEX WITH EACH OTHER.

NO, IT'S...
IT'S THAT
ARISTOCRATIC?

IT'S MORE
THAN THAT.

UM...

YEAH, I THINK
IT'S BEST IF WE
DON'T BREAK IT DOWN.

WOULD YOU AGREE
WITH THAT?

NO, I DON'T WANT
TO TELL THE JOKE.

YOU GUYS HAVE HAD WAY
TOO MANY GREAT PEOPLE
TELLING THIS JOKE.

♪ THE ARISTOCRATS!

THAT'S GREAT.

THE BEST LOOKIN' ASS
IN SHOW BUSINESS.

DON'T EVER ASK ME TO DO
ANOTHER FAVOUR FOR YOU.

I GUARANTEE YOU THIS WOULD
NOT WIND UP ON MY DEMO TAPE.

I'M NOT GOING TO WORK
FOR DISNEY EVER AGAIN,

THANKS A LOT,
PAUL PROVENZA.

I ONCE ASKED DOM IRRERA,
"WHY DOES ANAL SEX

PLAY SUCH A HUGE
ROLE IN HUMOUR?"

AND HE SAID, "I CAN'T TELL
YOU, BUT I CAN SHOW YOU."

SARAH SILVERMAN IS A
YOUNG LADY TO WATCH.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

Man: BUT YOU'VE
NEVER MET HER?
NO.

DOES EVERYONE DO IT?
DOES EVERYONE DO THIS?

OR NO?

ALL RIGHT. FUCK. SHIT. CUNT.

A MAN GOES INTO A PUB,

ANOTHER GUY GOES IN AND
HITS HIM ON THE HEAD

WITH AN IRON BAR.
HE SAYS, "HEY!

IS THAT SERIOUS
OR A JOKE?"

HE SAYS, "IT WAS SERIOUS."
HE SAYS, "THANK GOD,

I CAN'T STAND
JOKES LIKE THAT."

IS ANY OF THIS FUNNY?

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T PAN
TO THEM; STAY ON ME.

DON'T, DON'T LOOK AT THEM.

THERE'S GOING TO BE PROBLEMS.

Man:
GOT IT.
OKAY.

BRUNCH IS GOING TO UP IN
REDFORD'S THING, 2020?

I'LL TRY TO BE
ALIVE FOR IT.

IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT YOU TALK
ABOUT CUNTS FOR 10 MINUTES

AND SOMEBODY BEHIND
THE CAMERA GOES,

"PERFECT, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT WE NEED."

A GUY SEES TWO PRIESTS
HAVING SUPPER TOGETHER,

AND HE SAYS, "I DIDN'T
KNOW WHETHER TO SEND
THEM A BOTTLE OF WINE

OR A CUB SCOUT."

THE DOG'S NAME IS PEANUT,
UM, AND SHE IS BLIND.

UH, SHE WASN'T BLIND
WHEN WE GOT HER,

BUT WE BLINDED HER
JUST SO SHE'D BE A
LITTLE BIT MORE FUN.

OOOHH...

THAT'S GOOD.

OOOOHH...
FUCK, THAT'S GOOD.

IS THIS
THING ON?

TO THE OTHER COMEDIANS
THAT DID THIS,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GETTING,

BUT THEY REFUSE TO PAY ME.

AND I'M REALLY
STEAMED, STEAMED!

AND THE AGENT SAYS...

WHAT THE FUCK
AM I DOING?

DID OTHER PEOPLE GET
LAUGHS OUT OF THIS?

I THINK SO.
JEEZ.

AND HE SAYS,
"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

IT'S 'CAUSE
IT'S ABSOLUTELY

THE WRONG THING TO
CALL AN ACT LIKE THAT.

IS IT ON?

YOU'RE NOT TAPING
YET, REALLY ARE YOU?

GOODBYE!

Man:
THERE GOES THE MIC!

SHIT, I FORGOT WE
HAD THE MIC ON.

TRY THIS,
BALL SACKS.

GREAT, I SAID
BALL SACKS

IN FRONT OF A
SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

THEY'RE NOW GOING TO TAKE MY
SIX-YEAR-OLD AWAY FROM ME.

BYE, ROBERT,
DADDY LOVES YOU.

I OFTEN JUST SIT
HERE IN MY GARDEN,

GAZING INTO MY
VICTORIAN REFLECTING BALL

AND... DARLING WOULD YOU
GET ME A CUP OF TEA?

Woman:
GET IT YOURSELF!

I JUST WANT
TO THANK YOU.

IT'S SO NICE TO BE PART OF
THIS EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCE.

A RABBI WALKS INTO A BAR
WITH A FROG ON HIS SHOULDER.

THE BARTENDER SAYS, "HEY,
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"

AND THE FROG
SAYS, "BROOKLYN,

THERE'S HUNDREDS OF THEM."

GOOD LUCK.

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE
ALL, LIKE, CONNECTED.

AND NOW, THE WORLD'S
OLDEST LIVING VAUDEVILLIAN

WITH THE ORIGINAL
"ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

NO, THIS WAY, THIS WAY,
THIS WAY, THIS WAY.

THIS WAY.

THERE ARE THESE TWO
MOUNTAIN GOATS AND THEY...

Man:
SIR, SIR, SIR?

SIR?
HUH?

THANK YOU!

OH...

Both:
"ARISTOCRATS".