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George Carlin: THE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH,

AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY,

AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER.

IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS."

YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT,

ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC AS YOU CAN.

AND BAM!

BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A TITLE AS YOU CAN.

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

THE WHAT?

I'VE HEARD THE JOKE,

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT WAS SO BAD.

I REMEMBER THAT I FAINTED.

David Brenner: THAT JOKE'S BEEN AROUND.

"THE ARISTOCRATS" IS ALWAYS LIKE A CLASSIC.

IN FACT, THEY TOLD IT ON... I THINK IT WAS THE "NINA"

OR THE "PINTA" ON THE "SANTA MARIA"

WHEN COLUMBUS WAS CROSSING THE OCEAN.

AND I THINK LINCOLN TOLD ME. I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

I WAS AT THE THEATRE AT THE TIME. I WAS AN USHER.

OF ALL THE JOKES TO DO A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT,

YOU CHOSE THIS ONE?

Michael McKean: THERE WAS THIS SECRET SOCIETY:

CHEVY CHASE AND MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE,

I THINK JOHN BELUSHI AND SOME OTHERS,

THEY HAD THIS COVEN OF... PEOPLE

WHO WOULD TELL THIS JOKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

CHEVY CHASE SUPPOSEDLY USED TO HAVE PARTIES,

AND THE CRITERIA WAS, YOU HAD THE MOM,

THE DAD, THE SON, THE DAUGHTER, AND A DOG.

AND YOU HAD TO TALK WITH SOME COMBINATION OF THAT

WITHOUT REPEATING YOURSELF;

IF YOU REPEATED YOURSELF YOU WERE OUT.

THE IDEA WAS THAT WE GOT TO BREAK A HALF AN HOUR.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO GET...

WE GOT TO MAKE THIS JOKE LAST

MORE THAN A HALF AN HOUR.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY EVER DID.

APPARENTLY O'DONOGHUE CAME CLOSE.

BUT DIED IN THE ATTEMPT.

NOT WELL KNOWN.

I HEARD MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE

DID IT FOR 90 MINUTES ONCE.

Billy Connolly: IT'S THE ONLY JOKE I KNOW

THAT PEOPLE TALK ABOUT.

I'M ALWAYS SHOCKED WHEN PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS JOKE.

IT IS A PERVASIVE JOKE.

IT WAS A BURLESQUE KIND OF A JOKE.

IT HAD BEEN KICKED AROUND A LOT, YOU KNOW.

I REMEMBER IT, THE SAME YOU REMEMBER ANY FIRST,

LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU HEAR A CUT FROM A LENNY BRUCE ALBUM.

IT WAS SHOCKING! YOU'D NEVER HEARD THAT.

I HEARD IT FROM A GENTLEMAN

WHO WAS RUNNING "SECOND CITY" IN CHICAGO.

AT UCLA, WORKING ON THE HUMOUR MAGAZINE.

THE EDITOR AT THE TIME TOLD ME THE JOKE.

BILL HICK. THAT'S WHERE I HEARD IT.

I THINK I FIRST HEARD "THE ARISTOCRATS"

WHILE DOING BLOW IN "CATCH A RISING STAR" WITH RICHARD BELZIER.

THIS JOKE WAS A FRIEND OF EVERY COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD.

Chris Albrecht: I FIRST WENT TO THE IMPROV NIGHTCLUB

IN NEW YORK IN '73, DID SOME STAND-UP COMEDY THERE,

BECAME THE MANAGER AND GOT TO MEET

THE BEST YOUNG COMEDIANS OF THAT TIME.

GOT A REAL EDUCATION IN THE COMEDY WORLD,

AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WAS ALWAYS EXTREMELY CONSISTENT

WHEREVER YOU WENT WAS "THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

I HAD HEARD ABOUT "THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

WE DO COMEDY, AND WE WORK PLACES THAT HAVE COMEDY,

BUT WE'RE ALSO IN THE MAGIC WORLD,

SO WE ALWAYS, ARE KIND OF OBSERVERS OF THE COMEDY WORLD.

AND THERE WAS ALWAYS THIS SECRET HANDSHAKE OF...

OF A WHOLE CULTURE THING

THAT'S... WAS, TO ME, SYMBOLIZED

BY THE JOKE, "THE ARISTOCRATS".

I DON'T THINK COMICS

SHOULD BE THAT PROUD,

QUITE FRANKLY,

ABOUT REPEATING A JOKE THAT'S BEEN GOING ON

SINCE BUD FRIEDMAN OPENED THE FIRST IMPROV

IN... NEXT TO THE PYRAMIDS. YOU DIG?

I DON'T THINK COMEDIANS TOLD THIS KIND OF JOKE ON STAGE.

HOW MANY PEOPLE TELL JOKES ON STAGE?

PEOPLE USUALLY HAVE ROUTINES

OR THEY STRING TOGETHER SMALL, SHORT OBSERVATIONS.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T DO JOKE-JOKES ON STAGE EVER.

THAT'S THE TOTAL KISS OF DEATH

'CAUSE YOU'RE VIEWED AS THE BIG OLD HACK.

YOU KNOW THE WAY THOSE URBAN LEGENDS GO?

EH, THE PEOPLE ALWAYS KNEW SOMEBODY

WHO SAW THIS GUY DOIN' IT,

BUT I NEVER SAW ANYONE PERFORMIN' IT.

IT'S THE KIND OF JOKE THAT YOU LOVE TELLIN' OTHER COMICS.

WE WOULD JUST TELL THEM TO EACH OTHER,

AND THEY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH OUR ACT.

IT WAS THIS KIND OF THING THAT YOU WOULD SHARE

WITH THE... WITH THE MUSICIANS.

IT JUST REMAINED IN THE BUSINESS, SWIRLING ROUND.

A LOT OF THE FUNNIEST STUFF HAPPENED

ACTUALLY AFTER THE AUDIENCE LEFT.

WE'RE DIFFERENT, WE'RE IN HERE,

IT'S... THERE'S NO RULES. THE HEADMASTER WENT HOME.

WE GOT THE DORMITORY TO OURSELVES.

"WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS," YOU KNOW?

I HAVE A RECOLLECTION OF THE JOKE BEING TOLD

AT ABOUT 4:30, 5:00 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING

FOR A BUNCH OF COMEDIANS.

AND YOU ALWAYS SAVED IT, LIKE A POWERHOUSE.

THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE TOPPERS THAT YOU COULD PULL OUT.

THERE WAS ALMOST, LIKE, A CHORUS OF THE PUNCHLINE.

YOU KNOW, "AND WHAT'S IT'S CALLED?"

BUT THE JOKES THAT WE USED TO LOVE TELLING,

AND THE JOKES THAT I ALWAYS LOVED, WERE THESE JOKES

THAT HAVE THIS BODY OF PERFORMANCE IN THE MIDDLE.

IT'S A SHOW-OFFY KIND OF AN INSIDE THING FOR...

FOR PERFORMING COMICS.

GARY SHANDLING TOLD IT TO ME;

I THINK IT'S THE WAY I TOLD IT, WORD FOR WORD, TO EMO,

WHICH IS PROBABLY LIKE PLAYING THE TELEPHONE GAME.

THERE'S THE BASIC FRAMEWORK,

BUT THEN EVERY COMEDIAN PUTS HIS OWN IMPRIMATUR ON THE JOKE

AND REALLY MAKES IT THEIR OWN.

I DON'T KNOW THE STANDARD TELLING

OF THIS JOKE ANY MORE. IT'S LOST.

WELL, IT'S A VAUDEVILLE AGENT.

JAY MARSHALL IS THE DEFINITIVE JOKE-TELLER ON THAT,

EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOT KNOWN AS A COMEDIAN,

BECAUSE HE IS FROM THE VARIETY ARTS.

JAY MARSHALL TURNS OUT TO BE THE ONE

WHO TELLS THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE FOR THE LEGMAN BOOK.

IT'S THE LAST STORY IN THE BOOK.

HE GETS THE WHOLE THING ACROSS IN TWO OR THREE SENTENCES.

A VAUDEVILLE AGENT IS INTERVIEWING ACTS,

AND AN ACT COMES IN. HE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

AND HE SAYS, "WELL, MY WIFE AND I COME OUT

AND TAKE OUR CLOTHES OFF,

THEN WE SHIT ON THE STAGE

AND THE KIDS COME OUT AND WALLOW IN IT."

HE SAYS, "WHAT KIND OF AN ACT DO YOU CALL THAT?"

HE SAYS, "WE CALL IT 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

THE JOKE SUCKS!

YOU SUCK FOR HAVING THE IDEA

OF PUTTING THIS ON A DOCUMENTARY!

I HATE THE JOKE.

THE PIECE OF SHIT, STOLEN, PRETEND-TO-BE HUMOUR.

ALTHOUGH THE PREMISE IS FUNNY.

LET ME JUST... LET ME BACKTRACK JUST A BIT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S A PERFECTLY CRAFTED JOKE.

IT'S GOT A TWO WORD PUNCH LINE...

AND SINCE THE MIDDLE IS OPEN

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH IT.

IT'S LIKE A JAZZ THEME. THERE'S THE BASIC MELODY

BUT ANYBODY CAN IMPROVISE ON IT.

AND I CANNOT REMEMBER, FOR THE LIFE OF ME,

WHAT THE DETAILS OF THE ACT WERE.

I JUST KNEW, AS I WAS HEARING IT,

YOU COULD DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH IT,

AS LONG AS YOU GOT TO THE... "WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

YOU JUST WANT TO SHOCK THE PEOPLE

SO THAT WHEN YOU COME BACK, THE JUXTAPOSITION

OF WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES BECOMES THE LAUGH.

IT'S FILLED WITH VULGARITY.

IT'S NOT KIND OF VULGAR. IT'S... IT'S REVOLTING.

YOU'RE DISGUSTING

AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE.

AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE IS SORT OF UPLIFTING.

THE MORE VULGAR IT IS,

THE MORE IRONIC BECOMES THE PUNCHLINE.

THE MORE GROTESQUERIES, THE BETTER OF IT.

THAT'S THE CRAFT OF... THE ART IS... IS HOW YOU MAKE THAT TURN.

THAT'S THE THING YOU CAN'T... YOU CAN'T BOTTLE,

'CAUSE THAT'S A PERFORMANCE THING.

GUY GOES IN THE AGENT'S OFFICE AND HE SAYS,

"I GOT AN ACT FOR YOU. WAIT'LL YOU HEAR THIS."

THE GUY SAYS, "ALL RIGHT, TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT IT. WHAT'S THE ACT?"

HE SAYS, "MY WIFE AND I COME OUT ON STAGE.

I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF, UH, MEDICINE

PRIOR TO THE APPEARANCE,

AND I'VE EATEN A LOT OF CABBAGES AND THINGS.

SHE LIES DOWN ON STAGE.

I SQUAT OVER HER, I PULL DOWN MY PANTS,

AND I SHIT IN HER MOUTH IT'S MOSTLY LIQUID.

IT'S, UH, LIKE A DIARRHEIC THING.

I TRY TO INCLUDE CORN AND THINGS THAT WILL NOT BREAK DOWN

IN THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM; PEANUTS, OF COURSE.

I TRY TO GET A LOT OF SOLID OBJECTS

SO THAT THERE'S A LITTLE ACTION TOO,

IT'S NOT JUST A STREAM OF BROWN LIQUID.

AND IT ALL GOES INTO... MOST...

I CAN HIT HER MOUTH PRETTY WELL.

I DO HAVE ONE POLYP.

I HAVE A LARGE, KIND OF A HAEMORRHOIDAL POLYP

THAT SOMETIMES THROWS MY AIM OFF AND I HAVE TO KIND OF...

IT'S KIND OF LIKE KENTUCKY WIND-ISH,

BUT I CAN USUALLY GET IT 'CAUSE I CAN HEAR

WHETHER IT'S HITTING THE HOLLOW AREA OF HER THROAT OR NOT.

SO, I GET AS MUCH AS I CAN IN THERE

AND THEN SHE GARGLES WITH IT. WE HEAR THE GARGLING.

SHE'S GARGLING, GARGLING, AND THEN SHE SWALLOWS IT.

AND, UH, WE'RE OFF. IT'S ABOUT FIVE MINUTES TOTAL."

AND THE GUY SAYS, "OH. WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"

HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS."

I WAS MAKING THAT UP. I GUESS YOU COULD TELL.

THE FUN OF IT IS WHEN YOU IMPROVISE ON THE GROSSNESS.

DOING THE JOHN COLTRANE VERSION OF THIS.

THIS JOKE WAS A JOY FOR COMICS TO TELL

MAINLY BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH A FOUL CHUNK OF TIME

THAT YOU COULD JUST BE DESCRIBING THE MOST FOUL THINGS,

AND THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU COULD COME UP WITH THAT WOULD BE WRONG.

IT'S A BLANK, UH, SLATE, AND YOU GET TO PLAY.

YOU GET TO PLAY.

HOW SCREWED UP... HOW MANY NEW THINGS COULD YOU THINK OF

TO MAKE THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE TRULY BIZARRE?

WHETHER IT'S A SHUFFLEBOARD UP A NICE ANIMAL'S BEHIND

OR WHETHER PEOPLE ARE SWIMMING IN MANURE...

A YOUNG GIRL COMES ON STAGE

SINGING "NEARER MY GOD TO THEE"

WHILE JUGGLING TORCHES.

THESE ARE MY TWO CHILDREN. THEY PASS GAS

TO THE TUNE OF "WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD" IN UNISON!

ONE OF THE SONS IS PLAYING A XYLOPHONE WITH HIS COCK.

THEY HAVE A MIDGET UNCLE

WITH THREE DICKS COMING OUT OF HIS HEAD.

I COME OUT DRESSED AS HITLER

IN CROTCH-LESS PANTIES.

I AM CATCHING THE PING PONG BALLS,

AND I'M CATCHING THEM IN MY ASS.

HE CUMS ON MY WIFE'S TITS.

WE WAIT, LIKE, A HALF AN HOUR TILL IT HARDENS,

THEN I CHIP IT OFF WITH A CHISEL.

SIX MIDGETS COME OUT...

THEY HAVE SEX IN A KIDDIE POOL

FULL OF BEEF ENTRAILS AND ABORTED FETUSES.

LITTLE MIDGETS, THEY ALL START CUMMING,

ONE BY ONE.

AND SHOOT FOUNTAINS OF JIZM INTO $100 SEATS.

YOU KNOW THE FOUNTAINS OUTSIDE THE BELLAGIO,

HOW THEY'RE COORDINATED LIKE THAT?

THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT THESE GUYS PULLED OFF.

MY GRANDMOTHER, ON THE STAGE, HAS AN ABORTION!

GIVES BIRTH TO A THREE- POUND SHETLAND PONY!

THE KIDS ARE SIAMESE TWINS ATTACHED AT THE ASS.

MY GRANDFATHER IS THE JOCKEY.

COMES IN THIRD AND PAID 280!

THE SIAMESE TWINS GIVE EACH OTHER REACH-AROUNDS

AND JERK EACH OTHER OFF.

Man: AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THE OBJECT

IS TO BE AS OFFENSIVE AS POSSIBLE

OR WHETHER TO USE IT JUDICIOUSLY IN THE RIGHT PLACES

AS A BUILD-UP TO THE PUNCHLINE.

I ALWAYS LIKE TO EXPLAIN HOW TO TELL THE JOKE

SINCE EVERYBODY'S... YOU ALREADY HEARD THE JOKE.

SO THIS IS HOW YOU... WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL THE JOKE,

YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE IT'S JUST REALLY FILTHY,

THE FILTHIER THE BETTER.

A GUY GOES INTO A TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE,

HE SAYS, "I HAVE THE GREATEST ACT IN THE WORLD."

TALENT AGENT SAYS, "WHAT'S THE ACT?"

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO MEMORIZE.

YOU COULD AD LIB RIGHT UP TO THE PUNCHLINE.

ALL YOU HAD TO DO IS REMEMBER ONE WORD.

AND THE REST OF IT IS, YOU MAKE... I ALWAYS MAKE IT UP.

EVERY TIME I TELL IT, IT'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

THEY WOULD BE NAKED.

IT WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH PEEING.

WE'RE HIGH-FLYING TRAPEZE PERFORMERS,

WE FLY OVER THE AUDIENCE DOING TRIPLE GAINERS.

WE PISS OVER THE FIRST THREE ROWS.

INCLUDE FECES.

HE TAKES A CRAP ON THE STAGE,

JUMPS IN THE PILE OF SHIT...

AND THEY TAKE A BIG GROUP SHIT.

THE WOMEN SLIDE ON THEIR ASSES

ALL THE WAY UP THROUGH THIS SHIT.

WE JUST ROLL AROUND IN THE SHIT.

AND THEY JUST START SKATING IN THE SHIT, SKATING...

YOU KNOW PEOPLE SKATE IN SHIT?

DABBLES IN THE SHIT AND THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE,

AND DABBLES IN THE PISS AND THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE.

WABBLING IN THE SHIT AND THE PISS

AND THEY'RE WAPPING IN EACH OTHER'S FACES!

ONE OF THEM TAKES A SHIT,

AND THEY ALL... AND EVERYBODY SLIDES THROUGH IT.

THEY ALL DO. THEY SLIDE...

DID THEY END UP IN THE SPLITS IN THE SHIT?

THEY GO INTO THE SPLITS

AND THEY HAVE A BIG FINISH... BUT THAT'S THE...

THAT'S THE FINISH?

I THOUGHT THEY PEED ON EACH OTHER TOO.

YOU INCLUDE VOMIT.

GETS SICK, VOMITS. EATS THE VOMIT.

EVERYBODY STARTS PUKING.

AND THEN ONE OF THEM VOMITED ON...

AND THAT MADE EVERYBODY ELSE SICK.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. THATMADE EVERYBODY SICK?

HEY, SHIT AND PEE, NO PROBLEM.

YEAH, BUT THE VOMIT...

YOU ADD VOMIT, FORGET IT!

SO IT'S GOT A LOT... IT'S EDGE HUMOUR.

IT'S PUSHING THE EDGE OF WHAT YOU CAN TAKE.

AND ONCE THE EDGE IS CROSSED,

THEN YOU START GETTING HYSTERICAL.

ME AND MY WIFE COME UP ON STAGE.

SHE TAKES A DUMP IN THIS BIG METAL BUCKET.

SHE'S GOT A BUCKET OF SHIT.

SHE POURS IT ON THE GUY'S HEAD.

MY SON, THE LITTLE ONE, HE'S THREE YEARS OLD...

THIS IS THE PART THAT'S ADORABLE...

TAKES A BUCKET OF SHIT, THROWS IT IN HER FACE.

SHE THEN TAKES THE BUCKET OF PUKE, SHIT AND PISS,

PUTS IT OVER HER HEAD LIKE A HELMET,

STARTS PARADING AROUND ON STAGE

LIKE A LITTLE MIDGET NAZI.

SUCH DISGUSTING REFERENCES, ONE AFTER ANOTHER.

IT KIND OF MAKES ITS OWN GRAVY,

THIS JOKE.

IT'S A DISGUSTING JOKE. IT'S SHIT.

BUT THE ONLY REASON I COULD SAY THAT

IS BECAUSE I'M REALLY KIND OF AN ARISTOCRAT.

DO THEY ACTUALLY EAT SHIT

AT ANY POINT DURING THE ACT? OH, ABSOLUTELY.

I'VE HEARD SHITTING AND EATING IT...

SHE REACHES INTO THE BACK OF GRANDPA'S DIAPERS,

PULLS OUT A BALL OF SHIT, STARTS EATING IT LIKE AN APPLE.

I'VE HEARD BRINGING ANIMALS AND BESTIALITY INTO IT.

I FORGOT THE DOG! THERE'S A DOG TOO!

AND THE DOG, OH, HO!

THEN THE DOG FUCKS THE GIRL...

THAT'S CALLED BESTIALITY.

Man: YES... IT'S IN THE BIBLE.

IT'S IN MY DIARY.

HE SAID IT'S IN HIS DIARY.

AND I KNEW HIS DOG.

I'VE HEARD, UH...

MAYBE WE COULD DO A VERSION.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE ALONG WITH THE DOG,

BUT THE ENTIRE FAMILY IS INVOLVED.

IT'S A FAMILY ACT,

WHICH ADDS SUCH A FUCKED-UP DIMENSION TO IT ANYWAY.

YOU INCLUDE CHILDREN IN THE ACT, UNSPEAKABLE ACTS

THAT THE CHILDREN WERE PERFORMING WITH AND ON EACH OTHER.

PEOPLE CAN GET UP ON STAGE

IF THEY WANT TO, YOU KNOW, FINGER MY NIECE

OR TOUCH MY NEPHEW'S PENIS.

THERE SHOULD BE HIGH-RISK BEHAVIOURS,

MIXING OF BODY FLUIDS, BLOOD FROM EVERY HOLE.

A LOT OF YOU ARE PROBABLY SAYING,

"WELL, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, BACKTRACK A LITTLE HERE.

WHERE DID THE BLOOD COME FROM?

YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT BLOOD."

WELL, IF A GUY IS FIST FUCKING HIS DAUGHTER,

WHO'S YOUNG AND HER ASSHOLE IS PRETTY SMALL,

AND THIS IS A GROWN MAN WITH A BIG HAND.

HE COULD BE LIKE A LONGSHOREMAN.

HE COULD HAVE ARMS LIKE POPEYE,

WHERE IT'S LIKE THE ARM IS LIKE THAT WIDE

AND HER ASSHOLE IS THAT SMALL.

THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND, I'LL WAIT.

WELL, NATURALLY SHE'S GOING TO BE BLEEDING!

I'M JUST MAKING A POINT.

THE PEOPLE ARE ABUSING EACH OTHER.

THERE'S INCEST.

...AND ALL THE THINGS THAT CROSS LINES.

SO YOU GET TO PLAY WITH PEOPLE'S, UH, LITTLE DANGER ZONES.

I FUCKED MY WIFE! I FUCKED MY SISTER! I FUCKED MY SON!

EVERYBODY'S FUCKED. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

IT'S LIKE A TOURETTE'S SYNDROME JOKE.

I'M HORRIFIED AND YET DRAWN TO IT.

IT'S LIKE A DOG WITH THREE LEGS.

YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK BUT YOU JUST...

IT'S A PERFECT JOKE.

JUST HEARING OUT LOUD DESCRIPTIONS OF GIDDY,

SHIT-COVERED INCEST...

AND OTHER POEMS BY MAYA ANGELO.

IT IS THE ONE JOKE WHERE YOU GET TO...

INVENT EVERY SICK ACT YOU COULD IMAGINE,

LOAD IT UP INTO THIS JOKE,

AND NEVER ACTUALLY BE ACCUSED OF GILDING THE LILY.

SO THE WAY I HEARD IT WAS...

IT WAS ALWAYS A VERY SWEET BEGINNING.

THAT WAS WHAT KILLED ME, THE SWEETNESS OF THE GUY WHO WALKS IN,

KNOCKS ON THIS VERY TALENTED TALENT AGENCY AND SAYS, "WE HAVE AN ACT.

I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD HAVE JUST A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME. WE HAVE..."

"GO AHEAD. YOU HAVE ONE MINUTE TO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR ACT."

HE SAYS, "WELL, IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT ACT.

IT'S A BIT OF A NOVELTY.

IT'S MYSELF, MY WIFE AND MY KIDS.

FIRST I COME OUT. I'M IN A TUXEDO.

MY WIFE IS IN A GOWN. WE TAKE A BOW.

THE MUSIC STARTS. WE DO A LITTLE DANCE.

MY WIFE LIFTS HER SKIRT, I START FUCKING MY WIFE.

SHE STARTS SUCKING ME. MY SON COMES IN, HE DROPS HIS DRAWERS,

NOW HE'S FUCKING MY WIFE.

I HAVE A DAUGHTER, SHE'S 15. SHE COMES IN.

SO NOW MY WIFE IS GOING DOWN ON MY SON,

MY SON'S GOT HIS ARM UP MY DAUGHTER,

MY DAUGHTER'S GIVING ME HEAD, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

AND THE MUSIC COMES TO A BIG FINISH. WE'RE ALL FUCKING,

AND THEN EVERYTHING IS JUST EVERYBODY'S.

AT ONE POINT MY DAUGHTER IS ON HER BACK,

SHE'S... SHE'S GRABBING BOTH MY SON AND MYSELF IN BOTH HANDS,

MY WIFE IS SINGING, AND THEN WE ALL DROP OUR DRAWERS

AND TAKE A HUGE SHIT ON THE STAGE."

THE GUY SAYS, "WOW, THAT'S A HELL OF AN ACT.

WHAT... WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS."

SO THERE IS THE JOKE, THAT YOU... GET TO ACTUALLY SAY

THAT SOMEBODY HAD, UH, THEIR ARM UP THEIR DAUGHTER,

WHICH IS... YOU DON'T REALLY HEAR OFTEN.

SOME PEOPLE, WHEN THEY TELL IT,

REALLY FOCUS ON THE FECAL MATTER.

OTHER PEOPLE REALLY FOCUS ON THE INCEST.

AND TO ME, IN MY OWN PERSONAL LIFE,

THOSE TWO ARE RARELY, IF EVER, SEPARATE.

SO, SHOCK IS ONLY ONE THING THAT HAPP...

I THINK THAT SOMETHING HAPPENS ALONG THE WAY; IT COMES WITH IT.

THE OTHER THING IS THERE'S THE ART OF THE JOKE.

YOU HAVE TO SAY PEE FIRST INSTEAD OF SHIT FIRST.

THEN YOU GO TO FUCK, OR THEN YOU GO TO FUCK

AND THEN YOU GO TO PEE AND GO TO SHIT. I DON'T KNOW WHICH.

I PREFER TO PEE FIRST.

TO ME, YOU GOT TO SAVE THE SCATOLOGICAL FOR THE END.

IF YOU PUT IT IN THE MIDDLE, YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO CLOSE.

SO, IT'S GOT TO BE FUCK, FUCK, SUCK AND FUCK,

AND THEN TOP OF THAT, TOOK A BIG SHIT.

YOU NEED THAT SEPARATION, I FEEL,

OTHERWISE, IT'S CHAOS.

THE WAY I'VE GOT IT, INCEST IS NEXT TO SHIT-EATING.

DOG-FUCKING... Man: DOG-FUCKING.

I'M ALL ABOUT DOG-FUCKING.

SHIT-EATING, DOG-FUCKING, INCESTUOUS?

ME AND MY WIFE GO ON STAGE.

WE GET UNDRESSED AND I START NAILING MY WIFE.

AS I'M FUCKING MY WIFE,

SHE TAKES A DUMP IN THIS BUCKET.

MY SON COMES OUT, HE POURS KEROSENE IN THE BUCKET,

LIGHTS IT ON FIRE.

OUR TRAINED DOG FIFI COMES OUT,

JUMPS THROUGH A RING OF FIRE.

MY SON FUCKS THE DOG.

MY DAUGHTER COMES OUT, THE DOG FUCKS MY DAUGHTER.

WE ALL SAY, "GOOD NIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!"

STANDING OVATION EVERY TIME.

IT STARTS WITH A LITTLE DICK-SUCKING.

THE GALS DROP TO THEIR KNEES, START SUCKING OFF THE BOYS.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

WHEN MY SEVEN- YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

IS GIVING A BLOW JOB TO MY ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD SON,

IT'S PRICELESS.

THEN WE MOVE ON TO THE FUCKING.

BUT WE MOVE OVER ONE.

SO NOW I'M FUCKING MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER,

MY SON IS FUCKING HIS GRANDMOTHER,

AND MY FATHER IS FUCKING MY WIFE.

AND THEN THE DENOUEMENT: THE BUTT-FUCKING.

WE MOVE OVER ONE MORE TIME.

SO I'M FUCKING MY MOTHER IN THE ASS,

MY SON IS FUCKING HIS MOTHER IN THE ASS,

AND MY FATHER IS FUCKING HIS GRANDDAUGHTER IN THE ASS.

THE MEN PULL OUT, JERK OFF INTO A DISH,

AND THE WOMEN SLURP IT DOWN.

IT'S A REAL CROWD- PLEASER: FAMILY ACT.

I GO UP ON STAGE.

I START TO JERK OFF IN A SHOT GLASS.

MY WIFE COMES OUT, TAKES A BELT OF MY SPLUGE,

TAKES OFF HER SKIRT, SHITS IN A BUCKET.

MY SON PULLS THE SHIT OUT OF THE BUCKET AND STARTS JUGGLING IT

WHILE HE'S PISSING INTO THE MOUTH OF HIS OLDER SISTER

WHO'S BEING BUTT-FUCKED BY THE FAMILY DOG.

GRANDPA DROPS HIS PANTS, STARTS FUCKING THE DOG IN THE ASS.

AND THE WHOLE SHOW ENDS WITH A BIG CIRCLE JERK AROUND GRANDMA.

AND HERE'S THE KICKER: GRANDMA'S DEAD.

I MEAN, IT HAS TO BE REALLY FILTHY-DIRTY, THE ACT.

IT SHOULD START OFF...

LET'S SAY IT JUST STARTS OFF KIND OF TITILLATING,

AND THEN IT TURNS PORNOGRAPHIC. I MEAN,

AND THEN IT STARTS TO BE THE KIND OF THING WHERE,

IF YOUR DAUGHTER WAS INVOLVED,

YOU'D HAVE TO GO AND HELP HER, YOU KNOW, AT ANY COST.

THE POLICE MIGHT NOT EVEN STEP IN.

THEN THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "THAT'S AWFUL.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?" LIKE, HE WANTS TO KNOW

AFTER HEAR... THEN HE, LIKE, THE NAME'S THE IMPORTANT THING.

WHICH I DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHY HE WOULD SAY THAT.

I THINK IT WOU... 'CAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT'S CALLED

BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO BOOK THIS SHOW.

WHERE DID THESE PEOPLE FIND EMPLOYMENT?

HOW DID THEY DEVELOP THIS ACT?

WHAT MADE THEM THINK THAT THIS WAS ENTERTAINING?

I MEAN, IT'S SURPRISING THAT THEY HAVEN'T...

THAT THEY'RE NOT ALL IN JAIL.

I MEAN... AND WAITING THE DEATH PENALTY.

I MEAN, I THINK YOU CAN PUT PEOPLE TO DEATH

FOR WHAT GOES ON IN THE BEST VERSIONS OF THIS JOKE.

'COURSE, YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING,

IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE OF HUMAN DECENCY,

YOU SAY, "WELL, WHY DIDN'T HE STOP THEM

THE MINUTE HE SAW THE FATHER UNZIPPING HIS PANTS

AND SAY, 'THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG! CALL THE COPS,

SOMETHING HORRIBLE'S HAPPENING.

THIS IS A FAMILY WHO ARE RAPING THEIR OWN CHILDREN

AND PERFORMING BESTIALITY.'

WHY, OH WHY, IS HE ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN?"

BUT THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY.

BUT ANYWAY, HE SAYS, "WHAT IS IT CALLED?"

BECAUSE IN A JOKE, THAT'S WHAT HAPP...

PEOPLE JUST SAY, "WHAT IS IT C..."

THERE'S NO LEGAL SYSTEM AT ALL IN PLAY IN A JOKE.

THEN THE GUY GOES, "THE ARISTOCRATS".

AND I ALWAYS THROW IN THAT.

THAT SEEMS TO MAKE TO WHOLE JOKE. "THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

OH YEAH. THAT'S GREAT.

"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

HE'S GOING, "I THINK IT'S ALL IN THE SNAP."

IT WAS FOR DREW.

NOW, HOW MANY PEOPLE DO THAT WHEN THEY TELL IT?

Man: ONE. THIS... AND I'M THE ONLY ONE?

YEAH. REALLY?

YEAH. OH MAN, I ALWAYS LIKE...

THAT'S... I ALWAYS TELL IT LIKE THAT.

THEY DO... WHAT DO THEY DO, THAT, OR...?

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS"!

"THE ARISTOC..."

I NEVER MAKE IT TO THE END. I CRUMBLE.

I SAY... NO, IT'S THE LOVELIEST JOKE.

WHOEVER TOLD IT TO ME, "WHEN THEY FINISH,

THEY'RE COVERED IN SWEAT AND THEY'RE COVERED IN CUM

AND THEY'RE COVERED IN SHIT,

AND LIKE..."

"WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

"THE ARISTOCRATS!"

AH, IT'S SO GREAT.

TELL DREW I AT LEAST WENT LIKE THIS.

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

OH NO, I LIKE...

THAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS TO IT.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE, LIKE, BLOOD, SHIT, PISS,

AND THEN, UM, THIS.

SO, UH, THIS COCKSUC... WHAT WAS IT?

THIS COCKSUCKER FUCKS HIS... THERE'S SHIT EVERYWHERE.

THE COCKSUCKER GOES INTO A FUCKING...

AND SOMETHING FECAL.

FETAL OR FECAL? NO, FETAL IS FETAL.

AND THE AGENT IS FUCKING THE DOG...

THE POPE IN THE CORNER...

THE TROUBLE IS, I'VE NEVER HEARD THIS JOKE.

THE WHOLE SHIT THING... I THINK IT'S JUST, UH...

BUT YOU KNOW, THE PUNCHLINE DOESN'T WORK.

THIS GUY SAYS, "I'VE GOT THIS ACT."

HE SAYS, "IT'S A FAMILY ACT."

AND THE GUY SAYS, "I GOT SHIT EVERYWHERE.

I DON'T WANT A FAMILY ACT."

NO, NO, THAT COULD WORK.

THE GUY, HE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

HE SAYS, "I WANT... AM I BOTHERING YOU?"

YOU DO IT GOOD. HAVE YOU DONE IT?

GIVE IT TO ME, I'LL FILM YOU NOW.

IT TAKES A LOT MORE SKILL THAN IT LOOKS LIKE TO...

TO TELL IT WELL. ALL RIGHT, HERE IT IS.

THREE PEOPLE WALK INTO A THEATRICAL AGENT'S OFFICE

AND THEY SAY, "WE HAVE AN ACT TO SHOW YOU

AND WE'RE CALLED 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

FUCK.

IT'S JUST A GUY, GOES INTO A TALENT AGENT'S OFFICE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE IT ELABORATE. DOESN'T MATTER WHERE.

IT'S A STEAMY LITTLE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE OFFICE.

THERE'S BARELY R... IT'S SO FUNNY, WHENEVER I...

YOU EVER BEEN TO JOE FRANKLIN'S OFFICE?

Franklin: WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THIS OFFICE SINCE 2000 B.C.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT OFFICE UNTIL THEY CONDEMNED THE BUILDING.

FRANK SINATRA SAT HERE, BETTE MIDLER,

BILLY CRYSTAL SAT HERE, MICHAEL JACKSON.

JULIA ROBERTS WAS MY SECRETARY HERE.

PRODUCED THE WORLD'S LONGEST- RUNNING TV SHOW HERE.

I'M JOE FRANKLIN.

IT'S THAT OFFICE.

MAN WALKS INTO AN AGENT'S OFFICE

AND, UH, IT'S JUST LIKE A DESK.

YOU KNOW, A COUPLE OF CHAIRS, A TELEPHONE...

STOP DANCING AROUND, MOTHERFUCKER,

AND TELL THE FUCKING THING!

PHONE... YOU KNOW, SQUARE ROOM

LIKE A BO... ALL RIGHT ALREADY!

YOU ARE FUCKING HORRIBLE.

TELL THE FUCKING JOKE.

TELL THE THING. ALL RIGHT!

"MY WIFE COMES OUT IN A BEAUTIFUL EVENING GOWN,

PLAYS 'TEA FOR TWO' ON THE XYLOPHONE."

WITH HER CUNT? NO, NO, NO.

THEN MY GRANDPARENTS COME OUT

AND THEY SING "GOD BLESS AMERICA".

IT'S REAL PATRIOTIC.

WHILE FUCKING EACH OTHER?

YECCH! EVER SEEN AN OLD WOMAN'S CUNT?

IT LOOKS LIKE SILLY PUTTY.

SO THEN... THEY... YOU KILLED ME.

YOU'RE KILLING ME HERE.

WELL, YOU'RE A LOSER. YOU CAN'T TELL A FUCKING JOKE.

"MY SON COMES OUT, I SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD,

AND THEN I FUCK THE BULLET HOLE.

AND THEN MY DAUGHTER COMES ON STAGE.

SHE'S A REAL SEXY NINE-YEAR-OLD.

I HIT HER ON THE HEAD WITH AN AXE HANDLE,

BURN HER CUNT WITH A CURLING IRON,

PUT A FISH HOOK THROUGH MY COCK,

FUCK HER, KILL HER, AND TAKE A SHIT ON HER DEAD BODY.

THAT'S THE KIND OF DELIVERY YOU NEED.

COCKSUCKER.

I ACTUALLY STRETCHED IT OUT ONCE

TO TWO AND A HALF HOURS,

BUT I BLEW THE PUNCHLINE.

YOU KNOW, I GOT ALL THE WAY TO THE END.

IT INVOLVED WHITE SLAVERY AND A ZEPPELIN RACE,

AND THEN AT THE END I GOT, "THE ARISTOCATS"!

"CRATS"! AAHHH!

IT'S THE ARISTOCRATS, NOT TO BE CONFUSED

WITH THE WONDERFUL DISNEY FILM, "THE ARISTOCATS".

OFTEN, I WOULD GO, "BABABADA...

HE STUCK IN... AND SHE'S DOING..."

"WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?" "THE ARISTOCATS".

OH! NO, NO, NO! "THE ARISTOCRATS"!

SO THE PEOPLE WOULD THINK THAT THAT WAS PART OF THE JOKE,

THAT THE GUY HIMSELF GOT THE NAME WRONG

AND THE... PEOPLE WOULD BE SAYING,

"WHY... WHY DID HE SAY 'CATS' AND THEN 'CRATS'?"

"HE DIDN'T, I JUST HAD A PROBLEM."

WHICH WAS MORE ABSURD. THEY GO, "WAIT A SECOND.

YOU HAVE A JOKE THAT TAKES 11 MINUTES TO TELL

AND YOU DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE?"

SO IT'S... IT WAS A BIT OF A DANGEROUS JOKE FOR ME.

BUT I TELL IT TO YOU TO... TO HELP OTHERS,

SO THAT THE KIDS WHO COME AFTER ME

WON'T LIVE THE HORROR OR THE SHAME THAT I DID.

I HATE JOKES. I CAN'T REMEMBER THEM.

THE ONLY JOKE I COULD EVER TELL

IS ABOUT A MAN, GOES INTO A PUB IN GLASGOW

AND HE SEES ANOTHER GUY.

AND THE OTHER GUY HITS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH AN IRON BAR.

AND HE SAYS, "HEY, OW!

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?"

AND THE GUY SAYS, "NO."

I'M SORRY.

I TOLD YOU, I DON'T DO JOKES.

I DON'T DO JOKES

AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DO THIS,

BUT WHEN THEY BEG, IT GETS SO RIDICULOUS.

WITH MY KIND OF THING, IT'S ALWAYS ATTITUDE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE TO PICK UP ON JOKES, TO BE VERY HONEST.

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING TO WRONG IN IT,

BUT IT'S NEVER BEEN MY THING.

WHEN I TOLD IT TO EMO, HE LOOKED LIKE, "MY GOD,

THAT'S THE JOKE I SHOULD'VE WRITTEN BUT I NEVER WILL."

I MEAN, THAT IS AN EMO JOKE.

THESE THREE GUYS WALK IN.

THEY SAY, "WE HAVE A GREAT, GREAT ACT."

AND THEY ALL UNZIP THEIR FLIES AND THEY PEE ON THE FLOOR.

THEN THEY ALL PULL DOWN THEIR PANTS AND...

AND THEY POO ON THE FLOOR.

AND THEN THEY ALL PUT THEIR FINGERS DOWN THEIR THROATS AND THEY VOMIT

AND THEN THEY START SLIP-SLIDING.

AND THE AGENT SAID, "WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

AND THEY SAID, "THE ARISTOCRATS".

THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO JUST REALLY LOVE

THE WRITING OF THE JOKE AND THE MOOD OF THE JOKE.

AND THE AGENT SAYS, "I LOVE IT,

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BOOK YOU UNTIL I SEE YOU LIVE.

NOW I'M GOING OUT THIS WEEKEND

TO SEE THE BUTT-FUCKING FAUNTLEROYS

AND THE SHIT-EATING GRANNIES.

PRESUMING I LIKE YOU AS MUCH AS I THINK I WILL,

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

ARE YOU MARRIED TO THE NAME 'THE ARISTOCRATS'?"

THERE'S A SLIGHTLY MORE WRITER-LY VERSION OF THE JOKE.

A MANAGER IS TRYING TO SELL PERFORMERS TO A CLUB OWNER,

AND THE CLUB OWNER GOES, "OKAY, YEAH. WHAT'S YOUR ACT DO?"

"THERE'S A GIRL COMES OUT AND SHE SUCKS OFF A DONKEY,

AND THE GUY COMES OUT, PISSES ON THE GIRL,

THEN HE PISSES ON THE DONKEY."

HE SAYS, "LISTEN, WE... WE HAVE A CLASSY JOINT HERE.

I'M NOT SURE THAT'S THE KIND OF ACT..."

"WELL, WAIT! YOU'LL REALLY ENJOY 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

THE MANAGER HAD TO COME UP QUICKLY WITH A NAME

TO TRY AND SELL THE GROUP, SO THERE'S MOTIVATION THERE.

AND IT'S A FEEL-GOOD ENDING.

GETS YOU HERE AND GETS YOU HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I LIKE TO THINK THE MANAGER'S LYING,

THAT THEY DON'T DO ALL THAT STUFF.

THEY SING AND THEY'RE FUNNY,

BUT HE NOW HAS TO BACK AND SAY, "LISTEN, I'VE SOLD YOU.

BUT THERE'S THIS OTHER THING YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SHAG A DONKEY

AND SHIT IN A..." "WHAT?"

"WITH THE GUY'S SAXOPHONE." "THE F...

THE FUCKING WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT DONKEY SHIT?"

AND OF COURSE, EVERYBODY'S STYLE IN TELLING THE JOKE.

SO THE WILLIAM MORRIS OFFICE WANTS TO WORK WITH THIS ACT.

IT'S A... IT'S A FAMILY ACT.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT'D GO WITH THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS.

A FAMILY OPENING ACT. WHAT DO

THEY DO? YEAH.

THEY... THEY DO SOME JUGGLING.

IT'S A JUGGLING ACT? JUGGLING THING.

AND THEN THE FATHER DROPS ONE OF THE CLUBS

AND ASKS HIS SON TO PICK IT UP, SO HIS...

DAD JUST KNEES HIM RIGHT IN THE BALLS.

YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON, AREN'T YOU? NO, NO, NO.

THEN... THE MOTHER DOES A TOPLESS THING

AND, UH... OH, GET OUT OF HERE.

GOES DOWN ON THE FATHER. NO.

THE KIDS COME OUT NAKED...

NAKED CHILDREN?

AND THEN THEY DO A SE...

THEY DO A SEX ACT AND THEN THEY THROW UP.

THEY THROW UP?

WHERE... WHERE HAVE THEY WORKED?

THEY WORKED ALL THE BEST PLACES.

ALL THE BEST PLACES?

DO YOU WANT TO... DO YOU WANT TO KNOW...

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE... THE NA...

WANT TO KNOW... UH, NOT NECESSARILY.

NO, I MEAN... WELL, ASK ME.

IT'S KIND OF IMPORTANT. THIS IS...

OKAY, WHAT IS THEIR NAME?

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

THE WHAT?

"THE 'RISTOCRATS"? "THE ARISTOCRATS".

BUT YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS FUNNY?

NO. HUH.

IT'S A CLASSIC.

WHAT MAKES THAT A CLASSIC?

CLASSIC WITHSTANDS THE TEST OF TIME,

AND "THE ARISTOCRATS" IS ONE OF THOSE CLASSIC JOKES

THAT HAS GONE THROUGH 50, 60, 70 YEARS

OF BEING TOLD... SO NO MATTER

HOW MANY TIMES I HEAR IT,

I'LL STILL... I'LL THINK IT'S FUNNY? WHENEVER...

WHENEVER YOU SAY "ARISTOCRATS",

THE AUDIENCE FALLS DOWN. I DIDN'T.

WELL, YOU'RE... YOU'RE A STRAIGHT MAN.

YOU'RE NOT... YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO.

"THE ARISTOCRATS" IS SO MUCH ABOUT THE...

KIND OF SIGNATURE THAT A... COMEDIAN PUTS ON IT.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO. YOU MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

YEAH, IN THE AMISH VERSION, THE FATHER FLICKS ON A LIGHT,

THE MOTHER'S USING A RADIO REMOTE, WATCHING TELEVISION.

HE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

"'TIS WELL WE CALL OURSELVES 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

IT'S THE LAST THING IN THE...

FIRST, I COME OUT ON STAGE. YOU KNOW, AND I AM PREGNANT.

A FRIEND OF MINE COMES OUT

AND HE STARTS FUCKING ME UP THE ASS.

THE BABY STARTS SUCKING THE PENIS

OF THE GUY WHO'S FUCKING ME UP THE ASS.

I START GETTING CONTRACTIONS AND GIVING BIRTH.

THE BABY STARTS COMING OUT

AND CUM STARTS COMING OUT OF THE BABY'S MOUTH.

I MEAN COME ON, BIRTH.

WHAT IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN BIRTH?

THIS WOMAN COMES INTO HIS OFFICE AND SHE WANTS REPRESENTATION.

SHE SAYS, "I'M THE CENTREPIECE.

MY HUSBAND COMES OUT, HE BENDS DOWN, HE GOES DOWN ON ME.

WE USED TO HAVE GRANDMA BLOWING GRANDPA

WHILE SHE HAD A KAZOO OUT OF HER ASS

PLAYING "BEGIN THE BEGUINE",

BUT SHE CLAIMS THAT THESE DAYS

SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE WIND FOR IT ANY MORE.

PERSONALLY, I THINK SHE'S TIRED OF BLOWING THE GUY.

AFTER 54 YEARS, IT GETS A LITTLE TIRESOME.

THE COMEDIANS HAVE DONE IT AND THE WAY THEY TELL IT...

BUT THEN AS YOU'RE LISTENING TO IT,

ALL OF YOUR OWN PERSONAL ORIENTATIONS YOU BRING TO THIS JOKE,

AND IT... SO IT'S FUNNY FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

SURE I COULD'VE TOLD IT SOME OTHER WAY, SOME...

SOME SCATOLOGICAL BULLSHIT THAT THESE BOYS LOVE.

NO, I NEEDED THE WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW.

AND YOU NOTICED, THE FIRST SEX ACT

WAS THE HUSBAND GOING DOWN ON THE WOMAN.

THE MAN WOULD IMMEDIATELY HAD A BLOW JOB IN THERE.

GRANDMA, BY THE WAY, IS A TALENT, A GIFT BEYOND.

IF SHE WAS BORN IN ANOTHER ERA,

SHE COULD'VE BEEN...

LIZA MINNELLI. THAT... THAT TALENTED.

BUT BECAUSE SHE WAS IN THE WRONG TIME AND PLACE,

SHE ENDED UP PLAYING "BEGIN THE BEGUINE" OUT OF HER ASSHOLE.

THERE ARE DIFFERENT RULES FOR WOMEN, DIFFERENT RULES.

MEN, THEY CAN GET...

MEN ARE EXPECTED TO TALK DIRTY,

AND WOMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LADYLIKE.

YOU KNOW, THEY WON'T TAKE IT FROM PHYLLIS

BECAUSE THAT'S NOT PHYLLIS' DEMEANOUR.

THEY'LL DEFINITELY TAKE IT FROM ME

BECAUSE IF I DON'T SAY "COCK", THEY'RE PISSED.

MALES HAVE A CRUDER SENSE OF HUMOUR.

A FEMALE WOULDN'T EVER REALLY CREATE THAT JOKE.

I'M SICK OF WOMEN GOING, "IT'S A GUY THING."

IT'S A JOKE. FUNNY... IF FUNNY IS A GUY THING,

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL STRAP IT ON.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE I GO... AND I DO STUFF,

AND PEOPLE SAY, "WHAT, YOU DIDN'T CURSE?"

YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING NOT TO DO THAT.

YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO BE GENTILE AND SHIT.

BUT IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.

SO WHEN I WOULD TELL A JOKE LIKE THIS,

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE ALL ABOUT DRIPPING PENISES,

AND THEY'D BE PULLING THE FORESKINS BACK

AND MAKING HELMETS OUT OF THEM. YOU KNOW, IT'D BE A WHOLE THING.

Man: WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

DO YOUR VERSION?

WELL, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY GOT VERSIONS LIKE THAT.

OH, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE A VERSION LIKE THAT. OH, I BET YOU DO,

I BET YOU DO. I KNOW YOU DO.

THE FOUR GUYS WALK IN AND THEY SAY, "LET'S SEE THE ACT."

AND FOUR GUYS TAKE THEIR PANTS DOWN

AND THEY TAKE THEIR GIANT PENISES

AND THEY TAKE THE FORESKIN, THEY GO LIKE THIS...

AND THEY PULL UP THE PENISES LIKE THIS AND THEY GO, "WHOA!"

AND THEY PULL IT DOWN OVER THEMSELVES AND THEY START TO SING...

♪ I'D GIVE THE WORLD TO...

♪ D-I-X-I-E...

THAT'S THE KIND OF JOKE I WOULD FUCKING TELL.

Man:

LIKE, HOW COULD YOU CLEAN THAT JOKE UP?

I GUESS YOU COULD CLEAN IT UP BY SAYING, "THEY'RE MAKING LOVE".

BUT STILL, THEY'RE ALREADY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, SO IT'S ALREADY INCEST.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE ALREADY IN A BIG HOLE.

WELL, ACTUALLY, WHEN THE CURTAIN RISES,

THERE WE ARE STAGE: ME, MY TWO DAUGHTERS, MY WIFE,

AND A GORILLA NAMED DAISY FROM THE BELGIAN CONGO.

MY DAUGHTER PULLS MY INDEX FINGER,

AT WHICH POINT I LET OUT A THUNDEROUS FART.

MY WIFE DOES A VERY SEXY STRIPTEASE DANCE ON A TOM-TOM.

FOLLOWING THAT, I HAVE A VIOLENT LOVE AFFAIR

WITH THE GORILLA, DAISY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

BUT HAVE NO FEAR, IF THERE ARE ANY CHILDREN,

THEY'LL BE BROUGHT UP AS CATHOLICS, YOU SEE.

HE WAS IN PURPLE,

SHE WAS IN... HELIOTROPE,

AND THEY WOULD COME IN. THEY HAD TWO BLACK SATCHELS.

AND THEY SAID, "WE WORK IN ONE. IT'S AN OLIO.

AND THE BAND WOULD GO...

AND HE OPENS UP THE BLACK CASE,

AND THERE'S A SILVER HAMMER.

AND...

HIS WIFE PULLS OUT THE CHAIR

AND HE SITS DOWN UPON THE CHAIR.

HIS WIFE TAKES THE HAMMER,

AND WITH A GREAT, SWIFT MOVEMENT,

BANG! HITS HER HUSBAND RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD,

AND HE GOES ASS OVER TEAKETTLE BACK DOWN,

OVER THE COUCH, OVER THE AGENTS,

BACK IN, PULLS THE DRAPES DOWN...

THE AGENT SAYS, "MY GOD,

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!"

"WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

AND HE PICKS UP THE HAMMER, PUTS IT AWAY.

AND HE PICKS UP THAT CASE, AND HE PICKS UP THE OTHER ONE,

AND THEY'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE, AND HE SAYS, "EXCUSE ME.

JUST FOR CURIOSITY,

WHAT'S IN THE OTHER CASE?"

AND HE SAYS,

"TYLENOL."

"AND WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR ACT?"

"WE CALL OURSELVES 'THE SOPHISTICATES'."

THAT'S HOW I HEARD IT.

THEY ARE MY GENERATION OF ENTERTAINER.

I MEAN, WE WERE ALL TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU HAD TO WORK CLEAN BECAUSE THERE WERE SIGNS BACKSTAGE:

"NO DIRTY MATERIAL. NOTHING BLUE."

YOU GOT VAUDEVILLE AND THE CHITLIN CIRCUIT AT THE SAME TIME.

A BLACK COMIC COULD ALWAYS BE DIRTY.

YOU COULDN'T GET ON TV ANYTIME, SO YOU WEREN'T REALLY WORRIED

ABOUT WHO YOU OFFENDED OR ANYTHING.

THEY COULD BE DIRTY ON STAGE, IT DIDN'T EVEN MATTER.

SO A JOKE WHERE PART OF THE FUN IS THAT YOU'RE DIRTY IS...

THEY CAN TELL IT ANYTIME THEY WANT.

COCKS AND CUNTS, THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT.

SEINFELD NEVER CURSED, I'M ALWAYS TELLING YOU THAT.

BE LIKE SEINFELD.

ALL RIGHT. DID YOU EVER NOTICE

WHEN YOU KICK YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN THE CUNT

SHE CALLS THE COPS ON YA?

IN ALL OF ART,

IT'S THE SINGER, NOT THE SONG.

YOU SEE THAT WHEN YOU HEAR JAZZ MUSICIANS

WHO PLAY THE SAME SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

YOU HEAR ONE NOTE OF COLTRANE,

YOU KNOW IT'S COLTRANE.

BUT I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT AS SO CLEAR IN COMEDY.

WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE TELL "THE ARISTOCRATS",

VERY CLEARLY, IT'S THE SINGER, NOT THE SONG.

OKAY, HERE'S THE JOKE:

A GUY GOES INTO A TALENT AGENT AND HE SAYS,

"I JUST SAW THE MOST AMAZING ACT.

YOU SHOULD HIRE THIS ACT, IT'S INCREDIBLE!"

AND THE AGENT SAYS, "WELL, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS."

HE SAYS, "WELL Y... THERE'S A FAMILY OUT ON A STAGE;

THERE'S A HUSBAND AND A WIFE,

AND THREE LITTLE GIRLS, LIKE, 12, 8 AND 4.

AND THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE, AND THEY'RE ALL READING,

AND THERE'S A LITTLE CERAMIC BALLERINA

GOING AROUND PLAYING MOZART MUSIC.

AND IT'S VERY CALM AND THE LIGHTING IS BEAUTIFUL.

AND THEN THE FATHER GETS UP AND HE WALKS OFF THE STAGE,

AND HE COMES BACK WITH FLOWERS

AND HE GIVES ONE TO THE WIFE

AND ONE TO EACH OF THE DAUGHTERS.

AND THEY... "OH, DADDY, WE LOVE YOU."

"YOU'RE MY PRECIOUS ANGELS."

AND EVERYTHING IS SO NICE AND SMILEY.

THEN THE FATHER GETS UP AND HE LEAVES AGAIN AND HE COMES BACK,

AND HE'S GOT A BIG BOTTLE OF WHISKEY AND A BASEBALL BAT.

AND HE STARTS DRINKING THE WHISKEY

AND HE GOES OVER THE WIFE AND HE STARTS SMASHING HER

ON THE SHOULDERS AND THE LEGS, AND HE'S BANGING HER LEGS

AND THERE'S BLOOD GUSHING ANY... EVERYWHERE,

AND THE DAUGHTERS ARE SCREAMING,

AND HE CHASES THE DAUGHTERS AROUND,

AND HE SMASHES THEM ON THE BACK OF THE LEGS,

AND THERE'S SCREAMING AND BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

AND THE GUY SAID, "THAT'S HORRIBLE!"

THE AGENT SAID, "THAT'S... HORRIBLE,

MOST HORRIBLE THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

WHAT COULD THIS THING BE CALLED?

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS IT?"

AND THE GUY SAID, "IT'S CALLED 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

AND THEN THEY JUST BLANKLY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE

AND THEN THE AGENT SAID,

"I-I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT, ACTUALLY."

IT'S THIS FAMILY, THE KAVANAW'S: ANNE AND WILLIAM.

THEY'RE EATING DINNER AND THEY JUST FINISH,

AND THEIR MAID COMES IN AND SHE CLEARS THE PLATES.

AND THEY HAVE TWO CHILDREN: BETSY AND TIMMY.

AND ANNE SUGGESTS THAT THEY ALL GO INTO THE DRAWING ROOM

WHERE ANNE THEN BRAIDS BETSY'S BEAUTIFUL BLOND HAIR.

THE HUSBAND, HE PLAYS CHESS WITH TIMMY.

AND THEN THE MAID COMES IN

WITH STRAWBERRIES AND WHIPPED CREAM,

AND THEY ALL EAT A NICE DESSERT.

AND THAT'S THE ACT.

Interviewer: WHAT WOULD YOU CALL AN ACT LIKE THAT?

"THE COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS".

THERE'S ANOTHER WHICH USES THE SAME WORD,

"ARISTOCRATS", SO MAYBE WE CAN GO THERE INSTEAD.

THERE WERE THREE MISSIONARIES:

A CATHOLIC, A BUDDHIST, AND A JEW,

WHO WERE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF AFRICA

AND THEY WERE CAUGHT BY HEADHUNTERS.

THE CHIEF CAME UP AND SAID, "GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

YOU HAVE YOUR OPTIONS: DEATH,

OR YOU CAN MEET 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

THE FIRST IS THE JEWISH RABBI.

AND THEY SAY, "HAVE YOU MADE UP YOUR MIND?"

HE SAYS, "OH, ABSOLUTELY.

PERHAPS THERE'S AN AFTERLIFE,

I'M NOT REALLY SURE ABOUT THAT.

WE CERTAINLY VALUE THE LIFE ON EARTH.

I HAVE DECIDED I WILL GO WITH MEETING 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

OUT COME ABOUT 14 MEN

WEARING JUST THE SKIMPIEST LITTLE LOINCLOTHS

AND THEY REAM HIM IN EVERY ORIFICE.

THEY THROW HIS BODY UP, THEY THROW HIS BODY DOWN.

HE IS COMPLETELY COVERED WITH ABORIGINES' SPERMATOZOA.

AND THEY LEAVE HIM BASICALLY AS A FLOPPY LITTLE RAG DOLL,

OVER IN THE BUSHES.

GOES UP TO THE CATHOLIC PRIEST, HE SAID, "HOW ABOUT YOU?"

"STILL... STILL SAME DEAL?" AND HE SAID, "YEAH.

YOU CAN EITHER DIE,

OR DEAL WITH 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

HE SAYS, "HORRIBLE AS THAT IS,

I AM NO STRANGER TO CERTAIN ASPECTS OF IT.

I DO SEE THAT THE MAN OVER THERE IS STILL BREATHING,

WHICH MEANS I WOULD STAY ALIVE

TO BE ABLE TO HELP MY PARISHIONERS.

I WILL TAKE THE... I GUESS, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

AND IT'S SAME SONG, SECOND VERSE.

THEY HAVE HIM IN SO MANY WAYS

THAT HE HAS NEVER EVEN DREAMT OF.

HE IS LYING, PANTING BARELY AUDIBLE BREATHS

LYING IN THE UNDERBRUSH. THE BUDDHIST SAYS,

"I BELIEVE THAT WE'RE ONLY HERE FOR A SHORT TIME ANYWAY.

I WILL TAKE DEATH."

AND THE CHIEF SAYS, "OKAY, FINE, DEATH IT IS.

BUT FIRST, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'!"

SO THAT'LL BE MY "ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

'CAUSE YOU GOT 75 PEOPLE TELLING THE FUCKING THING.

THIS JOKE IS ONE OF THOSE SONGS,

I GUESS, LIKE, "MR. TAMBOURINE MAN".

YOU COULD SING IT LIKE BOB DYLAN,

OR YOU COULD SING IT LIKE "THE BYRDS",

OR YOU COULD SING IT ROUGH, OR YOU CAN MAKE IT SWEET.

THERE'S NOT THAT MANY JOKES LIKE THIS.

WE WERE INFLUENCED

BY ONE OF THE GREATEST

JUGGLING ACTS OF ALL TIME.

THEY'D BE COMPLETELY NAKED.

NOW AT THIS POINT,

HE WOULD ACTUALLY PENETRATE THE OTHER GUY.

RIGHT. THE... TOP GUY

WOULD ACTUALLY DEFECATE

ON THE BOTTOM GUY.

THEY WOULD ACTUALLY JUGGLE

SIX SEVERED FLAMING ELEPHANT PENISES.

YEAH. THEY WERE CALLED

"THE INCREDIBLE TOWERING,

FLAMING, NAKED, ELEPHANT PENIS JUGGLING BROTHERS."

THEY CHANGED IT TO, UH...

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

YOU CAN MAKE THE JOKE FUNNY

AND STILL KEEP IT IN YOUR PERSONALITY.

SO I SAW CHRISTOPHER WALKEN TELL THAT STORY, I THINK...

I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS JAMES LIPTON'S...

COCKSUCKING EXTRAVAGANZA.

HE LAID CLAIM TO THE STORY ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

"THIS HAPPENED.

MY UNCLE WAS A TALENT AGENT,

SORT OF A BROADWAY DANNY ROSE SORT OF GUY.

MAN COMES IN, SAYS TO MY UNCLE,

"I THINK I MIGHT HAVE THE ACT

THAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

IT INVOLVES MY WHOLE FAMILY."

MY UNCLE STOPPED HIM AND SAID...

"THAT'S CRAZY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOUR WHOLE FAMILY? THAT'S..."

THE MAN SAYS, "A GIFT MY WIFE HAS

IS UNLOADED ON THE AUDIENCE,

AND THAT IS...

PROJECTILE VOMITING.

IT'S ALL OVER THE FRONT ROW.

GALLAGHER, THAT PUTZ, WOULD WISH

THIS SORT OF...

THIS SORT OF THING WAS POSSIBLE FROM A WATERMELON.

FORGET IT."

THIS IS WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY UNCLE.

HE STARTS TO CHUCKLE.

BUT HE ALSO IS FRIGHTENED FOR HIS LIFE.

HE... HE SENSES... ASK THE NAME FIRST,

THEN, GET THEM OUT.

DON'T GIVE THEM THE BUM'S RUSH,

'CAUSE THIS FUCK WILL KILL YOU, CLEARLY.

TO ME, IN THIS JOKE,

YOU GET TO SHOW OFF YOUR WRITING, SORT OF.

SO A FAMILY WALKS INTO THE AGENT'S OFFICE

AND THEY WANT TO AUDITION THEIR NEW ACT.

MOM DOES A NAKED CARTWHEEL THROUGH THE AIR

AND LANDS FLAT ON HER BACK.

SHE SPREADS HER LEGS WIDE AND TURNS OVER

TO REVEAL A CHERRY- COLOURED ASS.

SON COMES OVER AND BEGINS TO JACK OFF.

IN FACT, THE VIGOUR OF YOUTH

ALLOWS HIM TO DO THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

SIS, WHOSE TITS ARE PRACTICALLY NON-EXISTENT,

SUDDENLY GETS DOWN ON ALL FOURS,

HER HAIRLESS PAPER CUT BEGINS TWITCHING WITH ANTICIPATION.

DAD SPRINGS INTO ACTION.

HE SPINS HIS DAUGHTER AROUND

AND GIVES HER A LITTLE BIT OF 69.

JUST THEN, THERE'S A BLINDING SPRAY

THAT COVERS THE ENTIRE FAMILY,

AND GRANDMA RIDES IN ON A RED BICYCLE,

PISSES ALL OVER THEM AND SAYS, "TAH-DAH!"

THE AGENT SAYS, "THAT'S AMAZING. WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

AND GRANDMA SAYS...

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

WE SAW THE ACT AND IT JUST...

JUST DUMBSTRUCK TELLER, QUITE LITERALLY.

I CAN GO INTO THE WHOLE THING.

THE FATHER... WHO WAS...

WHO PLAYED THE BAGPIPES OUT HIS ASS.

THE MOTHER WHO DID THIS WHOLE WEIRD THING

WITH MENSTRUAL BLOOD AND...

YEAH, BEAUTIFUL.

BUT THE PART THAT KILLED US THE MOST

WAS THIS LITTLE CUTE KID.

WHAT WAS HE, ABOUT SIX OR SO?

AND THE KID HAD THIS ENORMOUS COCK.

IT WAS THE SIZE OF, YOU KNOW...

LIKE... OH YEAH, LIKE THE SIZE OF A BOTTLE LIKE THAT.

AND STARTED JERKING AND JERKING

AND JERKING AND JERKING,

AND THEN JUST AS HE GOT TO THE FINAL END,

HE WOULD JUST JERK, JERK,

AND THE KID HAD...

THE WHOLE HEAD OF HIS

COCK BLEW OFF. OH-H-H.

AND WE SAID, "AH, FABULOUS, FABULOUS."

TELLER COULDN'T TALK ANY LONGER. HE WAS...

HE WAS JUST... SHOCKED, DUMBSTRUCK.

JUST NEVER SPOKE AGAIN.

AND THE KID WAS ALSO DUMBSTRUCK.

YOU KNOW, HE HAD THE HEAD

OF HIS COCK BLOWN OFF.

IF TELLING A JOKE IN YOUR OWN WORDS

AND CREATING YOUR OWN SET-UP,

IF THAT CAN BE PERSONALIZED,

THEN THAT... THAT'S A FORM OF WRITING.

FIRST I COME IN THERE AND I START LOOS...

GET LOOSENED UP A LITTLE BIT.

THEN I START TO STRETCH MY FACE.

THEN I LIKE TO CELEBRATE THE THEATRE: COMEDY.

TRAGEDY.

AND THEN UNCLE LOUIE COMES IN.

AND THEN COUSIN EDDY,

HE JUST CAME BACK FROM RUSSIA WITH THE ARMY.

♪ DEUTCHLAND, DEUTCHLAND, YUGOSLANDVER. ♪

I GOT IT.

AND THEN AUNT SADIE,

SHE COMES IN AND DOES AN ACROBATIC NUMBER.

HEY-OH!

SO A GUY GOES INTO A, UH... A TALENT AGENT

AND HE SAYS, "HEY, DUDE, CHECK IT OUT, I'VE GOT A GREAT ACT."

AND HE'S LIKE, "IT'S NOT A FUCKING PROP ACT, IS IT?"

I WOULD TELL THAT JOKE, BUT AS YOU KNOW,

I ONLY WORK OFF PROMPTER.

SO UNLESS I CAN LOOK IN THE PROMPTER AND SEE...

I'M SORRY, WAS IT: FINGERING THE DAUGHTER

AND EATING SHIT OUT OF THE GRANDMOTHER'S ASS?

I'D HATE TO GET SOMETHING LIKE THAT WRONG

BECAUSE IT REALLY SEEMS TO BE SO DELICATELY WORDED.

WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF CARTOONS

PLAYING IN THE COMIC'S MIND.

MURRAY THE AGENT BARGES INTO STAN THE VARIETY BOOKER'S OFFICE.

STAN GOES, "NO, NO, NO! NO, YOU DON'T!

YOU ALWAYS BRING ME THE WORST ACTS IN THE UNIVERSE."

"THIS ONE IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, STAN.

IT'S A FAMILY ACT.

FIRST THE FATHER COMES OUT

NAKED AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN,

AND HE SETS UP A LADDER.

THEN MOM COMES OUT, AND SHE LOOKS FANTASTIC FOR HER AGE.

SHE CLIMBS HALF WAY UP THE LADDER,

NAKED AS THE DAY SHE WAS BORN.

THEN JUNIOR STEPS OUT, A STRAPPING YOUNG LAD,

NAKED AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN,

AND HE CLIMBS ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP OF THE LADDER.

DAD LIGHTS A CIGAR, GETS IT SMOKING REAL GOOD,

STICKS IT IN MOM'S ASS,

SHE BLOWS A SMOKE RING OUT OF HER TWAT,

AND THE SON DIVES THROUGH IT.

EVERYBODY LOVES THIS IN THE CIRCUS

WHERE THEY FIT A BUNCH OF CLOWNS INTO A CAR

AND THEY ALL COME OUT AND THE AUDIENCE...

YOU SEE THE KIDS' EYES JUST OPEN UP WITH AWE.

IT'S JUST THE MOST AMAZING THING.

IT'S LIKE THAT, EXCEPT WE ALL FIT INTO THIS WOMAN'S CUNT.

SHE RIDES AROUND A LITTLE RING ON A BICYCLE

AND WHEN SHE STOPS, WE ALL POP OUT OF HER CUNT,

AND SPIT CUNT JUICE AT THE AUDIENCE, WHICH GETS THEM INVOLVED.

THEY GET A LITTLE WET. IT'S LIKE KIND OF A GALLAGHER THING.

SOMETIMES THERE'S MUCUS AND LITTLE CUNT LOOGIES.

AND WE CAN MAKE LITTLE ANIMALS AND THINGS LIKE THAT AND...

OUT OF THE... THE CUNT SNOT.

AND WE GIVE THOSE TO THE KIDS.

TERRIFIC.

THERE'D BE OTHERS BUT WITH MORE IRONY OR SLIGHTLY MORE SARCASM;

A WRY SENSE OF LOOKING AT THE WORLD.

THE GUY GOES IN TO, UH, GET AN AGENT,

THE AGENT SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?"

HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, MY WIFE AND I..."

HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

IT WOULDN'T BE THE ONION IF WE GOT JESUS IN IT.

Man: THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, WOULDN'T IT?

THE GRANDFATHER FUCKING JESUS IN THE ASS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S SOMETHING THAT IS OFFENSIVE NOW?

GAY-BASHING.

BUT IF IT'S GAY-BASHING,

THEN WE CAN'T HAVE ANY GAY SEX IN THE ACT.

THROWING IN GAY SEX

HAS NEVER DETERRED ANYONE FROM BASHING GAYS.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I KIND OF THINK WE COULD DO BOTH.

I THINK THEY COULD SODOMIZE JESUS

UP THE ASS AND SAY...

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

AND SAY, "THIS IS BECAUSE YOU'RE

A FAGGOT." THEY COULD.

YOU PROBABLY LIKE THIS, FAGGOT!

THERE ARE GUYS WHO ARE MADE TO TELL THIS JOKE.

SOME PEOPLE THINK I HAVE A REPUTATION OF BEING A DIRTY COMEDIAN,

AND I DON'T REALLY WANT TO EXPOSE THAT, ANYWHERE.

'CAUSE I THINK I'VE... YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY A FAMILY KIND OF, ORIENTED GUY,

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS JOKE.

OH, SAGET. NOW THERE IS A MAN

WHO WALKS AROUND TELLING "THE ARISTOCRAT" JOKE IN LIFE!

THAT'S MY FRIEND PAUL, AND RIGHT NOW I'M LOOKING AT HIS DINGER.

HE'S GOT A VERY HUGE, UH, WIENER.

IT'S ABOUT... ABOUT THAT BIG.

I BELIEVE THAT'S SHANDLING'S JOKE, I'M PRETTY SURE.

WHEN YOU LIFT SOMETHING IT BETTER BE A COCK.

I'M SORRY.

ONCE FOR HANUKKAH HE GAVE ME, UM, SOME SLIM TAMPAX.

HE SAID "LEAVE THEM OUT, SO GUYS WILL THINK YOU'RE REALLY TIGHT."

HERE WE GO. THIS FAMILY:

A MOTHER, FATHER, AND FOUR KIDS,

DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY'RE BOYS OR GIRLS

AND THEY'RE GOING TO BE USED ANYWAY,

AS JUST NOTHING MORE THAN A HOLE,

IS WHAT THIS JOKE'S ABOUT ANYWAY.

IT'S ABOUT USING YOUR KID.

YOU KNOW, IF THEY HAVE A PAPER ROUTE TO GO TO SCHOOL,

AND THEN YOU FUCK THEM.

NO, THAT'S...THAT'S...

HIS AIM IS TO GET AS MANY DISGUSTING THOUGHTS

INTO SENTENCES AS POSSIBLE.

AND THE AGENT GOES, "WELL WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DO?"

THE FATHER'S LIKE... "WATCH US."

HE TAKES HER WIFE'S BRA AND HE RIPS OFF HER UNDERWEAR,

AND HE TAKES SOME OF HER PUBES WITH IT,

IT'S HORRIBLE AND THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF BLOOD

STARTS DRIPPING DOWN HER LEG.

SO HE JUST PULLS OUT THE TAMPON

AND THROWS IT AT THE WINDOW, AND IT STICKS.

THEY GO DOWN ON EACH OTHER IN ALL DIFFERENT CONFIGURATIONS:

IT'S 69, IT'S 29,

'CAUSE THE KIDS ARE YOUNG, IT'S 9.

THE FATHER BENDS HIS KID OVER ON THE GUY'S DESK

AND HE'S LIKE TAKIN' HIM FROM BEHIND, WHICH ISN'T RIGHT.

I JUST WANT TO SAY RIGHT NOW,

IF ANY OF YOU PEOPLE ARE DOING THIS

THAT ARE WATCHING THIS,

IF YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH YOUR FAMILY,

I DON'T CONDONE IT. I THINK IT'S WRONG.

I DO A LOT OF P.S.A.s

TO SUPPORT "DO NOT FUCK YOUR FAMILY".

SO THEY'RE ALL FUCKING EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE KID CAN'T TAKE IT.

DIARRHEA STARTS SQUIRTING OUT OF HIS ASS.

IT'S LIKE A HAEMORRHAGING SHIT-ASS.

THE KID STARTS SPINNING IN A CIRCLE 'CAUSE HE CAN'T CONTROL IT.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE CURLY IN "THE STOOGES".

"MO, LARRY, THE CHEESE."

THE PROJECTILE SHIT IS JUST FLYING OUT OF HIM,

IT'S GOING ALL OVER THE ROOM. IT'S LIKE SPIN ART,

SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO SHIT OR PUKE IN THIS ROOM,

THAT'S HOW... WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

THEN! WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

YOU GET TO BE A COMIC FOR COMICS.

THIS IS... THIS IS FUN.

SO THEN THEY START SINGING "MAKE 'EM L..."

AND "BE A CLOWN".

THE FATHER'S HAEMORRHOID POPS, RIGHT?

SO HE GRABS IT UP, PUTS IT ON THE END OF HIS NOSE

LIKE A CLOWN, LIKE EMMETT KELLY,

EXCEPT HE'S COVERED IN SHIT.

THEN THEY ALL START MAKING OUT.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE MAD

'CAUSE ALL KIDDING ASIDE...

BY THE WAY THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME RIGHT NOW

TO TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF AND GET SOME LOTION,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WITH THIS FAMILY.

THEY JUST START JACKIN' AND...

OH, CAN I GET A COPY OF THIS?

I'D LIKE TO SEND IT TO THE KIDS ON THE SHOW "FULL HOUSE" IF I COULD.

IT WAS JUST AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE VILE,

FOR NO REASON AT ALL,

SO I USED TO LOVE IT.

FATHER CAN'T HELP HIMSELF,

HAULS BACK, SMACKS WIFE RIGHT IN THE MOUTH,

KNOCKS ALL OF HER TEETH OUT.

STICK HIS FIST, ACCIDENTALLY MIND YOU,

DOWN HER TOOTHLESS THROAT.

UNBELIEVABLE, HE ACTUALLY FISTS HER NECK.

I LOVE THE IDEA OF FLOATING RIGHT PAST THAT,

AS IF THIS IS THE MOST NORMAL

AND THE THING YOU'RE MOST USED TO DOING.

I CUM INSIDE MY DAUGHTER'S ASSHOLE AND...

AND THEN MY WIFE FELTCHES IT...

I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH FELTCHING...

FELCTHING IS WHERE YOU FUCK SOMEBODY IN THE ASS

AND THEN YOU...

SUCK THE CUM OUT.

TASTY.

JIZZ STRAIGHT: IT'S GOOD,

BUT IF IT HAS THAT LITTLE TASTE OF SHIT...

WE ALSO HAVE, THE "DIRTY SANCHEZ".

THAT'S WHERE YOU FUCK SOMEBODY IN THE ASS, THEN YOU PULL IT OUT,

THEN YOU GIVE THE GIRL A MOUSTACHE WITH THE SHIT THAT'S ON YOUR DICK.

MEXICAN MOUSTACHE. DING, DING.

THEN THERE'S THE "STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE".

HE JERKS OFF ON HER FACE

AND PUNCHES HER IN THE NOSE!

SHE'S BLEEDING, AND THERE'S WHITE...

THEN A "RUSTY TROMBONE", OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW.

C'MON! THE "RUSTY TROMBONE", PEOPLE'VE HEARD IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU SPREAD A MAN'S ASSHOLE,

AND THEN THERE'S THE RUSTY HOLE.

AND I LICK HIS ASS WHILE I REACH AROUND AND JERK HIM OFF.

AND THAT'S HOW YA...

AND THEN THERE'S "SPACE DOCKING"

WHERE YOU TAKE A SHIT IN A GIRL'S PUSSY.

I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S EVER DONE THAT.

I WOULD MAKE SURE

THAT I WAS TREATING THOSE THINGS AS...

"AND THEN HE TOOK OUT THE CARBURETOR,

AND HE BEGAN TO TAKE THE CARBURETOR APART, AND THE INTAKE..."

I'M FUCKING MY DAUGHTER, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

WHILE SHE'S KNOBBING MY SON.

AND... AND HE'S NOT TRYING TO BE FOUL,

BUT HE GENUINELY BELIEVES IT'S REALLY QUITE NOVEL WHAT WE DO,

AND... AND YOU'D BE CRAZY NOT TO HIRE US.

AND MAKE IT AS MATTER OF FACT AS POSSIBLE.

THAT'S THE JOY FOR ME

OF SAYING SOMETHING THAT VIOLATES SOMEONE'S BOUNDARIES.

THE MOTHER CLIPS ALL THE NAILS OFF OF ONE OF HER HANDS,

PUTS IT UP HER DAUGHTER,

AND STARTS WORKING HER LIKE A PUPPET.

THE FATHER'S GOT SMELLING SALTS

THAT HE'S BEEN GIVING TO HIS KIDS

WHO KEEP PASSING OUT, YOU KNOW,

FROM THE FACT THAT THEIR HEADS ARE BLEEDING

AND THEY'VE BEEN ANALLY RAPED IN FRONT OF AN AGENT, YET.

THE MOTHER HAD A BIG BOIL ON HER BACK.

THAT POPPED.

YOU ALWAYS WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING OUT,

BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S ALWAYS THE CHANCE TO BE TOPPED.

HE TAKES OUT HIS PENIS

AND HE GOES OVER TO THE AGENT'S DESK,

HE STARTS SLAMMING HIS DICK IN THE DRAWER.

JUST FLATTENS IT RIGHT OUT LIKE A BOOKMARK,

AND THEN JUST STARTS SMACKING HIS KIDS WITH IT.

FLICKS THEM LIKE A WET TOWEL AT THE GYM.

AND HE KNOCKS ONE OF HIS KIDS RIGHT IN THE EYE,

AND THE KID'S EYE POPS OUT. WELL...

HE LOOKS AT THAT AS AN OPPORTUNITY, MIND YOU.

JUST TRYING TO GO FURTHER

THAN ANYONE HAD EVER GONE BEFORE.

JUST PUTS HIS FLAT WIENER RIGHT IN THAT EYE SOCKET.

GETS CAUGHT. GETS CAUGHT ON THE BACK OF HIS RETINA,

AND HE STARTS TRYING TO GET HIM OFF OF HIM,

AND HE'S COCKEYED. NO? OKAY.

SO ALL THIS IS GOING ON...

Audience:

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOT TO GO ON.

I'M SORRY. I GOT PEOPLE TO ENTERTAIN.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT IS SO UNIQUE ABOUT THIS JOKE

IS THAT IT'S SO ABSURDLY FRONT-LOADED

THAT IT'S ALMOST THE OPPOSITE OF A JOKE.

STEAM IS BUILT UP IN THE SET-UP.

THERE'S SOMETHING VERY SATISFYING

IN THAT STRUCTURE ITSELF

OF MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM, MOMENTUM

AND THE PUNCHLINE, BY THE WAY, MEANS NOTHING.

THERE'S SOMETHING VERY SATISFYING IN THAT.

BUT IT IS THE KIND OF JOKE THAT, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU SPENT THIS MUCH TIME ON A SET-UP,

AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE WAS "THE ARISTOCRATS"

OR ANYTHING, MOST PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GO, "HUH".

HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS"!

OH, LORD.

HERE, HAVE SOME MONEY.

THE PUNCHLINE IS ALMOST INTENTIONALLY...

NOT LAME, BUT WEAKER THAN YOU MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED IT TO BE.

BUT THE JOURNEY IS SO MUCH FUN,

THAT YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT THIS MEANS BY THE WAY.

THE PUNCHLINE CAN BE THE ICING ON THE CAKE,

BUT THE CAKE CAN BE REALLY DELICIOUS.

THEY SLICE THAT LITTLE LINE

THAT RUNS UP THE MIDDLE OF THE TESTICLES,

LIKE A BUTTERFLY SHRIMP AT BENIHANA.

NOW IT LOOKS LIKE SOME STRANGE SORT OF MOUTH.

SO THEY HAVE VENTRILOQUIST NUT SACKS.

AND THEN, THEY BROUGHT SOME CHILDREN OUT ON STAGE.

THAT WAS SWEET. ONE GUY LAYS DOWN WITH,

YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A ROD THE SIZE OF MY ARM,

AND BALANCED THE KID, UP HIS ASS, ON THE GUY'S ROD.

THEN THEY JERK THE KID OFF. THEY GET THE KID HARD,

NOW THEY PUT ANOTHER NAKED KID, HIS ASS ON THAT.

THEY'RE BUILDING LIKE A TOWER, IT'S...

IT'S SOMETHING YOU GOT TO SEE TO BELIEVE. IT'S PHENOMENAL.

BY SPINNING EACH KID IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION,

YOU GET THIS KIND OF... THING.

IT WAS ACTUALLY LOVELY AND HAD GREAT LIGHTING.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO TELL IT, WHO TUMBLE

AND MAKE IT GREAT,

AND MAKE THE ACT MORE INTERESTING AND FABULOUS.

AND THEN THE ANIMAL PART CAME ON.

AND I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING I SAW:

A DONKEY, LLAMA, CAMEL.

SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE A BISON.

I'M GUESSING, I'VE NEVER SEEN A BISON.

A GIANT ANIMAL THAT THEY BROUGHT OUT

THAT YOU WERE RUBBING.

OH, THAT WASN'T AN ANIMAL,

THAT WASN'T AN ANIMAL. WHAT WAS IT?

IT WASN'T AN ANIMAL.

WE'RE SO CONDITIONED NOW TO SITCOM HUMOUR,

WHERE IT'S SET-UP, PUNCHLINE,

THEY THINK THEY'RE MISSING IT. THEY DON'T...

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THE JOURNEY IS THE FUN.

WHAT INTRIGUES ME IS HOW IN AMERICA,

YOU CAN LAUGH AT SOMETHING LIKE ARISTOCRATS

'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ARISTOCRATS.

WHY DOES THAT WORK IN AMERICA?

THAT MUCH FOUL FILTH NEEDS A WORD LIKE "ARISTOCRATS".

IT ALMOST SOUNDS QUAINT THAT YOU CAN PUT A CUTE CAP

ON SOMETHING THAT RANCID, THAT'S JUST AS UGLY AS YOU CAN BE

AND IT'S LIKE, "THE ARISTOCRATS".

A FORM OF SOCIETY THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

I SAID, "WHAT'S AN ARISTOCRAT?"

AND I HAD NO IDEA.

JUST THIS ODD WORD,

BUT IT'S THE ONLY WORD THAT WOULD SATISFY THAT HUNK OF FILTH.

NOW I HAVE HEARD THE TWIST

OF CALLING THEM "THE SOPHISTICATES".

IT ALSO WORKED. ACTUALLY, MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE BETTER.

MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER EVEN.

THAT'S NICE; "THE SOPHISTICATES".

I PERSONALLY THINK IT'S A MUCH BETTER CHOICE, "THE SOPHISTICATES".

"OH, WE'RE 'SOPHISTICATES'."

JUST THE GOOFINESS OF A PERSON

TURNING THE JOKE UPON THEMSELF,

WHEREAS ARISTOCRATS ARE SELDOM SELF-APPOINTED,

THEREFORE, THE JOKE IS SATIRE.

THAT'S A POLITICAL STATEMENT.

Man: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT

IS JUST TO ADD TO THIS LIST

OF SHIT-EATING AND EVERYTHING ELSE,

IS JUST ADD REPUBLICAN.

AND THE DEMOCRATS TOO.

IT'S NOT ABOUT DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS.

BECAUSE OF THE LANGUAGE AND THE IMAGES,

THAT GIVES IT A POLITICAL SLANT.

I DON'T THINK THE ORIGINAL INTENT

WAS TO DO ANYTHING BUT TELL A WILD JOKE.

THERE'S NO ACT IN ENGLAND THAT AN ARISTOCRAT WOULDN'T DO...

IF IT DOESN'T INVOLVE SHAGGING ANIMALS

OR FIST-FUCKING COWS, OR ANYTHING.

THIS WAS THE EVENING OF "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL".

AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE'S OUR FRIEND ERIC IDLE,

GEORGE HARRISON, AND TERRY GILLIAN.

WE WERE, YOU KNOW, JUST TELLING JOKES

AND GEORGE SAID, "INSTEAD OF 'ARISTOCRAT' OR 'SOPHISTICATES',

WE USE 'ROYALTY'."

WHICH IS AN EVEN FUNNIER JOKE.

AN ENGLISH ONE APPARENTLY; THERE'S "DEBONAIRS"

BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY GRAB ME.

WHEN I HEARD IT, IT WAS "THE DEBONAIRS",

WHICH I THINK IS EVEN FUNNIER.

IT HAS A CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI.

"THE DEBONAIRS". I LIKE THAT.

THE, UH, "THE ARISTOCRATS" IS PRETTY FUNNY THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE OTHER GUYS ARE TELLING YOU. I HAVE THE ORIGINAL.

THE ORIGINAL WAS THAT PEOPLE WERE SIGNING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE A BIG PARTY.

THAT'S THE ORIGINAL WAY IT WAS TOLD.

I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA. YOU GO TO INDEPENDENCE HALL,

YOU SEE THE LIBERTY BELL, THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE AND ALL THAT,

AND THERE IS, FRAMED, A SKETCH OF THE ORIGINAL TELLING OF "THE ARISTOCRAT".

AND YOU SEE BEN FRANKLIN LAUGHING

AND YOU SEE BETSY ROSS TAKING A DUMP.

BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL JOKE, WHEN THEY SLID,

THROUGH THE SHIT AND VOMIT,

THEY HIT THE BELL.

AND THAT'S WHAT CRACKED THE BELL.

YOU LOOK AT THE SIGNERS. THERE'S ONE VERY HEAVY SIGNER.

HE'S THE ONE THAT FUCKED UP THE BELL.

I TOLD THE ORIGINAL.

YOU WATCH, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO TELL THIS "ARISTOCRAT"

A DIFFERENT WAY, AND THAT'S FUCKED.

UH... THIS JOKE,

MY GRANDFATHER TOLD MY FATHER.

HE HEARD IT FROM HIS GRANDFATHER,

IT GOES ALL THE WAY BACK, THIS JOKE.

SOMETIMES AS IT WAS KNOWN AS "THE TALE OF PUSHTUCHKIN",

THE, UH, THE GAY RABBI.

"VAT IS DAT?"

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

THERE'S A SIMILAR TALE.

IT GET MIXED UP.

MY GRANDFATHER TOOK THIS JOKE SO FAR,

HIS ENTIRE LIFE, HE LIVED 67 YEARS,

ALWAYS IN A CONSTANT STATE OF THIS JOKE.

CONSTANT! EAT, EVERYTHING HE DID:

MARRIED, CHILDREN, EVERYTHING.

IT WAS SET-UP, SET-UP, SET-UP, SET-UP,

AND THEN JUST THE MOMENT HE DIED: PUNCHLINE.

"WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS ACT?" "THE ARISTOCRATS." HE'S DEAD.

AND YOU KNOW, WE LAUGHED.

WE SAID, "GRANDPA'S DEAD. WELL...

OH, 'THE ARISTOCRATS'.

I GET IT. ALL OF A SUDDEN, HIS ENTIRE LIFE, I GET THIS."

WE THOUGHT, AND WE WERE RIGHT, THAT HE WAS CRAZY.

BUT HE WILL... NO ONE WILL TOP HIM.

NO ONE WILL TOP THIS GUY, UNCLE YANUSH.

MY GRANDFATHER'S UNCLE'S YAN...

SEE THAT'S BAD IMPROV RIGHT THERE.

MY GRANDFATHER, UNCLE YANUSH.

I REMEMBER BEING AT SCHOOL, AND I REMEMBER GOING HOME,

AND MY GRANDMOTHER SITTING ME DOWN AND TELLING ME THE JOKE.

SHE'S FROM, UH, POLAND, SO SHE ONLY SPOKE YIDDISH.

THE ONLY ENGLISH WORD SHE KNEW WAS 'CUNT'.

I REMEMBER "CUNT",

AND I REMEMBER HER SAYING, "EAT, EAT," AND...

AND "CUNT".

YOU KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK BACK ON IT,

IT'S PROBABLY WRONG.

Carrie Fisher: THERE WAS THIS STORY MY MOTHER USED TO TELL ME:

THERE WAS A GOAT IN "TAMMY"

THAT MY FATHER GOT VERY INVOLVED WITH

WHILE HE WAS WORKING.

THEY WENT ON THE ROAD WITH THIS ACT.

MY FATHER WAS BLOWING THIS GOAT OVER AT MGM,

AND MY MOTHER WALKED IN ON THEM,

AND MY MOTHER JUST THOUGHT THAT WAS ADORABLE.

MY MOTHER'S A GOLDEN-SHOWER QUEEN.

THE ORIGINAL MOVIE OF "SINGING IN THE RAIN"

WAS A HUGE GOLDEN- SHOWER EXTRAVAGANZA,

BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY GET PAST THE CENSORS

WHICH IS A SHAME, BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME WONDERFUL NUMBERS

WITH MICKEY ROONEY, UH...

WHO IS HUGE WITH... WITH FISTING.

YOU KNOW, IN THE EARLY DAYS IN HOLLYWOOD

IT WAS COMPLETELY ACCEPTED.

I ALWAYS LOVE SHOW- BUSINESS JOKES,

THESE ONES THAT SEEM A LITTLE MORE INSIDE.

AND IN A VERY SORT OF TWISTED, WARPED WAY,

THIS DISGUSTING, FOUL JOKE

IS A JOKE ABOUT THE SWEET OLD DAYS OF SHOW BUSINESS.

IN MY SHOW, I'M GOING TO SIT ON TOP OF THE PIANO,

AND FIT THE WHOLE THING IN MY VAGINA.

THE PERCUSSIONIST, I LOVE THAT WORD, PERCUSSIONIST,

IS GOING TO TAKE HIS TRIANGLE,

PUT IT IN FRONT OF MY TRIANGLE,

AND CLING-A-LING-A- LING WITH THE TROLLEY

JUST THE WAY MOMMA SANG IT.

AND THEN I'M GOING TO TAKE THE BANGER TO THE TRIANGLE

AND CLING-A-LANG IT UNTIL MY CLITORIS SWELLS UP

INTO A LARGE, MACY'S- DAY-PARADE BALLOON.

I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND STRETCH IT OUT,

AND I'M GOING TO WRAP IT AROUND THE MICROPHONE CORD,

AND FLING OVER MY SHOULDER THE WAY MOMMA USED TO DO,

AS I'M SINGING: ♪ WHAT'LL I HAVE

♪ THAT I DON'T HAVE?

WHERE'D THAT NOTE GO?

AND THEN THE REST OF THE BAND'S GOING TO JUMP UP,

AND WE'RE GOING TO SING:

♪ SHINE YOUR SHOES, SHINE YOUR SHOES ♪

AND I'M GOING TO SHINE MY SHOES WITH MY VAGINA JUICES,

PUT THEM BACK ON, TAP, TAP, TAP,

DO A SPLIT, AND THAT'S THE ACT.

I'M GOING TO CALL IT...

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

ISN'T THAT TERRIFIC?

THIS IS A JOKE THAT'S PRETTY MUCH EXCLUSIVE TO SHOW BUSINESS,

YOU NEVER HEAR A PHYSICIST GOING,

"IT'S A MUON, YOU CUNT!"

AND NOW I HAVE A JOKE FOR YOU VERY SIMILAR

TO "THAT'S WHY THE GROUP IS CALLED ARISTOCRATS".

IN A SHOW BUSINESS THEME WITH A NICE TURN.

THERE'S AN AUDITION FOR A PIANO PLAYER AT A VERY EXCLUSIVE BAR,

AND A GUY SHOWS UP AND THE OWNER OF THE CLUB SAYS,

"LISTEN, THIS IS A VERY, VERY EXCLUSIVE PLACE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO BE ABLE TO PLAY ALL DIFFERENT STYLES OF MUSIC,

BUT THEY HAVE TO BE VERY CLASSY." AND THE GUY SAYS, "I CAN DO ANYTHING."

THE GUY PLAYS THE PIANO. IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

SONG THE OWNER EVER HEARD IN HIS LIFE.

HE SAYS, "THAT'S GREAT. I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT SONG BEFORE."

AND HE GOES, "WELL, IT'S AN ORIGINAL. I WROTE IT MYSELF."

HE GOES, "OH REALLY, UH, WHAT'S IT CALLED?"

AND HE SAYS IT'S CALLED "MY DOG WAS FUCKING ME IN THE ASS

WHILE MY CAT WAS LICKING MY BALLS."

"WELL, THAT'S, UH... REALLY AWFUL. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SONGS?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE A WONDERFUL THING I'LL PLAY FOR YOU."

HE PLAYS THIS KIND OF JAZZY TUNE,

AND THEY SAY, "OH THAT WAS GREAT! WHAT WAS THAT?" AND HE SAYS...

"I ATE YOUR SISTER'S BLOODY TAMPON."

HE SAYS, "HEY! IT'S A CLASSY PLACE, PLEASE!

NO MORE OF THAT." HE GOES, "OH, FINE, FINE."

"YOU KNOW, I REALLY LIKE YOUR SONGS. I WANT TO HIRE YOU,

SO GO AHEAD AND PLAY FOR MY CUSTOMERS, BUT JUST

DON'T TELL THEM ANY NAMES OF YOUR SONGS."

HE GOES, "OKAY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT." JUST THAT NIGHT, HE STARTS PLAYING THE PIANO.

THE CROWD GOES CRAZY, STANDING OVATION.

THEY NEVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE IT. THE SONGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR HE SAYS...

"JUST GIVE ME A BREAK, I GOT TO GO TO THE... GO TO THE CAN."

SO HE LEAVES, HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM,

ON HIS WAY OUT HE FORGETS TO ZIP UP HIS PANTS.

AND SOMEBODY SEES HIM AND SAYS, "HEY,

YOU KNOW YOUR ZIPPER'S UNDONE AND YOUR DICK'S HANGING OUT."

HE SAYS... Both: "KNOW IT? I WROTE IT!"

THAT'S WHAT A GROUP OF ENTERTAINERS HAVE IN COMMON.

THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THEY'VE SEEN SHITTY ACTS.

THE WORST BAR BAND IN SHITSVILLE, OHIO,

ALWAYS HAVE A GLORIOUS NAME

LIKE THE INCREDIBLE DIAMOND-STUDDED, UH, REEFERTONES.

IT'S DONE IN EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL SEE A LITTLE RUNDOWN, GREASY-SPOON DINER

CALLING ITSELF "THE GOURMET CORNER".

BESIDES FROM THE HUMOUR OF THE JOKE,

THERE'S A SADNESS THAT THESE PEOPLE

HAD NO SELF-REALIZATION THAT WHAT THEIR ACT WAS

WOULD GET THEM ABSOLUTELY NO PLACE,

YET THEY CALL THEMSELVES "THE ARISTOCRATS"

BECAUSE THEY'RE CLINGING TO THE VERY LAST VESTIGE OF RESPECTABILITY.

ABSOLUTELY NO CLASS, ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE,

BUT THEY ARE IN SHOW BUSINESS AND THEY ARE ARISTOCRATS.

I DON'T PUT "THE ARISTOCRATS" ON MY RESUME ANY MORE, YOU KNOW?

IT DOESN'T TAKE AWAY FROM...

LIKE, MY PRIDE.

I ACTUALLY WAS AN ARISTOCRAT.

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD TO BE A PART OF THAT LEGEND.

IT WAS MY MOM, MY DAD, ME, MY BROTHER AND MY NANA.

MY FATHER WOULD COME OUT ON STAGE,

THE MUSIC WOULD PLAY,

AND HE WOULD START MASTURBATING.

MY BROTHER COMES OUT.

THEY'D DO A... LIKE, A MUTUAL MASTURBATION,

KIND OF LIKE A DUELLING BANJOS.

THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS AND THEY SPIN.

I STAY IN A STATIONARY POSITION

WHEN THE ASSHOLES COME BY,

AND I LICK THE ASSHOLES.

AND IN ONE MOTION, MY MOTHER... BOTH PINKIES UP THEIR ASSHOLES

AS THEY CUM; IT'S PRETTY...

IT'S PRETTY SPECTACULAR.

AND IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING.

LIKE, ON ONE LEVEL

IT'S A JOKE ABOUT SCATOLOGICAL HUMOUR AND SHOW BUSINESS,

BUT ON ANOTHER LEVEL, IT'S ABOUT A FAMILY.

IT'S ABOUT THE HOPES AND DREAMS OF THAT FAMILY.

MY BROTHER HAS DOWN SYNDROME.

DID I SAY THAT?

PEOPLE MIGHT THINK IT'S A SETBACK,

BUT REALLY, IT'S A SELLING POINT.

IT'S NOT A HANDICAP. I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT'S A GIFT.

AND WE THINK IT AS A GIFT JUST IN TERMS OF TICKET SALES,

BUT I MEAN, WE THINK OF IT AS SHOWING THE OTHER BEAUTIES

THAT GOD CREATES, LIKE, THE ONES WITH THE BIGGER FOREHEADS

AND THE LOWER EYELIDS.

Interviewer: THEY EVER ASK

YOU TO BE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW"?

NOT "THE TONIGHT SHOW",

BUT JOE FRANKLIN LOVED "THE ARISTOCRATS".

HE WAS, LIKE, OUR REHEARSAL DIRECTOR

WHEN DAD AND MY BROTHER WEREN'T THERE, AND MY MOTHER...

AND MY NANA, WEREN'T THERE.

I WAS ON HIS SHOW.

HE SAID IT WASN'T A TAPED SHOW, UM...

BUT WE... WE, LIKE, DID A SHOW.

Interviewer: LIKE, IN HIS APARTMENT?

YEAH, IT WAS HIS OFFICE.

BUT HE HAD A... UM... BED IN IT. HUH.

LIKE A COUCH THAT HE CALLED UNCLE JOE'S BED FOR LITTLE PEOPLE,

'CAUSE A COUCH IS LIKE A BED FOR LITTLE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

JOE FRANKLIN RAPED ME.

COMEDIANS OFTEN FEEL LIKE,

"I AM THIS WEIRD, TWISTED, STRANGE PERSON,

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE OUTER REACHES OF THE BELL CURVE,

TRYING SOMEHOW TO PACKAGE THIS IN A WAY

THAT CONFERS UPON ME SOME KIND OF DIGNITY AND RESPECT."

MAYBE THAT'S THE REASON THAT THIS JOKE IS SO APPEALING.

I DON'T... I'M... I'VE PLAYED BY THEIR RULES

FOR A REALLY LONG TIME AND I

DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANY MORE.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO? LIKE, PREVENT ME

FROM DOING A SHOW WITH THE OLSEN TWINS?

AND I THINK YOU'RE ALL SKIRTING AROUND THIS.

I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE ARISTOCRATS.

THE AUDIENCE, ALL OF US SHOULD BE ARISTOCRATS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CONTRACTED INTO THIS PURITANICAL IDEA

THAT WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED WHEN WE'RE YOUNG

AND WE CAN'T FUCK BOYS AND FUCK GIRLS.

WE CAN DO IT ALL.

STARFISH ARE BI.

YOU EVER SEEN A STARFISH EAT OUT ANOTHER STARFISH?

IT TAKES FOREVER. THEY DO IT.

CLOSE THE COMEDY CLUBS AND OPEN UP BROTHELS

AND BATH HOUSES, GLORY-HOLES.

THIS IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS.

IT NEEDS A REALLY TIGHT ORGASM.

YOU KNOW, I'M AN ACTOR, I WAS IN A LOT OF TV SHOWS.

AND I WENT TO THIS ORGY ONCE

AND I FUCKED ALL THESE PEOPLE,

AND SOMEBODY WHISPERED IN MY EAR,

"YOU WERE GREAT ON 'FRIENDS'."

BUT YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE MARY HART

TALK ABOUT THAT WITH ME.

I JUST WANT TO TAKE AN APPROACH TO THE JOKE IN MY WAY.

I'M THE AGENT AND I'M PITCHING IT, OKAY?

SO, THIS VERY ATHLETIC BLONDE MAN

WALKS ONTO THE STAGE IN A LEATHER SPEEDO.

HE HAS THIS SLIGHTLY SADISTIC NATURE ABOUT HIM.

AND HE HAS THIS FINE, FINE BABY HAIR

ALL OVER THESE VERY STEELY PECTORAL MUSCLES.

HE HAS LIKE, A TREASURE TRAIL

THAT GOES DOWN TO HEAVY-CUT MAN MEAT.

LIKE, AN 11-BY-7 COCK.

HE'S A HORSE-HUNG GUY.

THIS CHICK WALKS UP WITH THIS ROCKET BODY

AND THIS ARTIFICIAL RACK,

AND SHE LOOKS LIKE CARMEN ELECTRA, ONLY BETTER.

AND SHE STARTS GENTLY RUBBING HER PUSSY.

THIS SUBMISSIVE SISSY BOY COMES OUT

AND POINTS AT THE DICK AND SAYS,

"I WANT THAT COCK TO BUST MY VIRGIN ASS."

THE CHICK STRAPS ON THIS DILDO

AND HAS THIS REALLY CHALLENGING, INTENSE EXPRESSION ON HER FACE

AND SAYS, "LET ME."

SHE STARTS RUBBING HIM IN A VERY SPIRITUALLY CENTRED WAY.

LITTLE SISSY BOY IS OBVIOUSLY DEMANDING PUSSY BOTTOM.

HE TILTS HIS ASS UP... GENTLY.

SHE STARTS EATING HIS ASS,

GIVING HIM THIS RIM-JOB ROYALE,

AS THEY WOULD SAY IN "PULP FICTION".

THE BIG HORSE-HUNG DICK

IS NOW GOING IN THE PUSSY BOY'S MOUTH.

HE'S GETTING FACE-FUCKED.

THE GIRL TAKES HIS COCK AND SLIDES IT INTO HER PUSSY

BUT WHAT SHE... AND THIS IS GOING TO BE IN THE PROGRAMME,

LIKE LINER NOTES,

THAT THE GIRL HAS TRAINED IN THAT FINE GEISHA WAY,

WHERE THE PUSSY WOULD CONTRACT

TO MAKE HER VAGINA PULL UP ON THAT COCK.

WHEN YOU ARE SHOOTING,

IT IS LIKE, YANKING IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE'S EVER HAD THAT HAPPEN,

BUT IT'S WILD.

AND SHE IS TAKING, LIKE, A HUGE FUCKING HORSE-LOAD,

AND IT'S CALLED "THE MISOGYCRATS".

THIS JOKE HOLDS A MIRROR UP TO ITSELF.

THE PEOPLE WHO...

WHO SAY THE JOKE MUST CONTAIN SHIT?

DON'T INVITE THEM INTO YOUR HOME.

THE PEOPLE WHO SAY IT... MUST INVOLVE BESTIALITY?

DON'T LET THEM NEAR YOUR DOG.

THIS TELLS YOU A LOT ABOUT A PERSON, THIS JOKE.

IT'S WHERE YOUR DARKEST PLACE CAN GO, YOU KNOW?

IN A WAY, THIS JOKE REALLY ISN'T ALL THAT RELEVANT.

STANDARDS OF OFFENSIVE CHANGE OVER TIME.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S QUITE A TAME JOKE NOW.

THERE'S SOMETHING QUITE CHARMING ABOUT IT,

WHICH IS WEIRD, ISN'T IT?

"I HAVE GOT THE PERFECT FAMILY ACT."

HE GOES, "GO AHEAD, TELL ME."

HE GOES, "MY WIFE AND I GO OUT,

WE SING AND DANCE, WE FUCK EACH OTHER.

THE KIDS COME OUT, THEY SING AND DANCE,

WE FUCK THE KIDS, THE KIDS FUCK EACH OTHER.

DOG COMES OUT; HE SHITS, HE PISSES ON ALL OF US.

HE LICKS IT UP, JUMPS THROUGH A HOOP."

GUY SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"

HE GOES, "THE ARISTOCRATS."

AGENT GOES, "I ALREADY HAVE AN ACT LIKE THAT."

THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENED TO SHOW BUSINESS.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU... YOU COULD COME OUT,

FUCK THE KIDS, FUCK THE DOG, DOESN'T MATTER.

"WELL, I'VE ALREADY SEEN THAT."

THAT'S NOT REALLY A JOKE ANY MORE. THAT...

THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY...

GREAT IDEA TO PITCH TO A NETWORK.

I COULD WALK IN TO NBC TOMORROW,

SAY, "I HAVE A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY IDEA,

SO DYSFUNCTIONAL, IT DEFIES DESCRIPTION.

WE HAVE PEOPLE FUCKING AND SUCKING, BLOWING ARMADILLOS;

DIDDLING LIKE AN 11-YEAR-OLD CHEERLEADER;

WE COULD BRING IN PEOPLE FROM THE PAST 'CAUSE THEY CAN DO THAT NOW.

YOU KNOW, THEY GET THOSE IDIOTIC ADS,

HUMPHREY BOGART AND ALL THAT OTHER BULLSHIT.

GET YOUR FUCKING MAJOR WORLD LEADERS OF THE PAST,

LIKE HITLER AND MUSSOLINI.

GENGHIS KHAN, FOR GOD'S SAKES.

I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT AND THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

IT'S NOT A JOKE. THIS WOULD GO ON TV.

AND WE BLOW HITLER, AND THEN IN THE NEXT EPISODE,

WE BITE HIS DICK OFF. HA-HA! SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO HITLER'S DICK.

THEY'LL BE TURNING IT ON. PHENOMENAL."

IT'S A FAMILY ACT. BUT IT'S A...

IT'S A TWIST 'CAUSE THEY'RE RETARDED.

AND WHAT THEY DO IS THEY GET ON A PILE OF DEAD DUNS

AND THEY FUCK EACH OTHER,

AND THEN THEY HAVE A BIG CLOSING

WHERE THEY FIST-FUCK AN AUTISTIC PRE-TEEN.

AND THE AGENT SAYS, "WELL, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?"

AND HE SAYS, "THE OSBOURNES."

A LOT OF WHAT IS ALREADY ON TV NOW,

THEY WOULD HAVE THE DOG-FUCKING

AND THE SHIT-EATING ON, YOU KNOW...

"FRIENDS". ON... NOT ON "FRIENDS",

BUT ON... BUT ON "SOUTH PARK".

YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR A FUNNY JOKE MY GRANDPA TOLD ME?

NO. OKAY.

SO THIS FAMILY WALKS INTO A TALENT AGENCY.

IT'S A MOTHER, FATHER, THEIR SON AND DAUGHTER,

AND A LITTLE BABY. THE FATHER SAYS,

"SIR, OUR FAMILY HAS AN AMAZING ACT."

AND THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "SORRY, WE DON'T SIGN FAMILY ACTS.

THEY'RE TOO CUTESY BUT THEN THE MOTHER GOES,

"PLEASE, SIR, IF YOU JUST GIVE US TWO MINUTES,

WE KNOW YOU'LL LIKE OUR ACT.

SO THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT TWO MINUTES."

THE FAMILY JUMPS RIGHT INTO IT. THRILLING CIRCUS MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY

AS THE FATHER SPINS HIS DAUGHTER AROUND, BENDS HER OVER,

LIFTS UP HER SKIRT AND STARTS LICKING

HER ASSHOLE. WHAT?

THEN THE SON LAYS DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND OPENS HIS MOUTH

AND THE MOTHER SQUATS DOWN OVER HIS FACE AND STARTS SHITTING ALL OVER HIM.

DUDE! HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

THE FATHER GRABS THE BABY, TAKES OFF HIS DIAPER,

AND STARTS SUCKING HIS COCK, RIGHT? WHILE THE SON,

STILL WITH HIS MOTHER'S SHIT IN HIS MOUTH, GOES OVER

AND LICKS THE BABY'S TINY LITTLE BALLS.

DUDE... HOLD ON, KYLE.

THEN THE FATHER AND SON TAKE THE BABY

AND START STUFFING IT HEAD FIRST BACK INTO THE MOTHER'S VAGINA.

DUDE, JUST STOP. THEY GET THE... HOLD ON, KYLE.

THEY GET THE BABY HALFWAY IN SO THAT JUST HIS LEGS

ARE STICKING OUT, ALL KICKING AND FLAILING AROUND.

THE SON TAKES THE MOTHER'S SHIT OUT OF HIS MOUTH

AND STARTS RUBBING IT ALL OVER EVERYONE,

WHILE THE FATHER STICKS HIS COCK IN THE BABY'S ASSHOLE AND FUCKS IT,

WHILE IT'S STILL INSIDE THE MOTHER

UNTIL HE CUMS ALL OVER THE BABY, THE WIFE, THE SON AND THE DAUGHTER.

CA... CARTMAN, I DON'T WANT TO...

KYLE! WILL YOU HOLD ON PLEASE?

THEN THE FATHER GETS UP AND SAYS,

"AND NOW FOR OUR IMPERSONATION OF THE VICTIMS OF 9/11."

AND THE WHOLE FAMILY STARTS RUNNING AROUND THE ROOM

COVERED WITH SHIT AND PISS AND CUM

GOING, "AAAHHH!! AAAHHH!!

THE BUILDING'S COMING DOWN! HELP!"

AND THE FAMILY RUNS BACK TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM

AND GOES, "TAH-DAH!"

AND THE TALENT AGENT, HE JUST SITS THERE.

AND FINALLY HE SAYS, "JESUS, THAT'S A HELL OF AN ACT.

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?"

AND THE FATHER SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS".

HEH-HEH-HEH.

I DON'T GET IT.

NEITHER DO I.

IT DOESN'T COUNT AS TRANSGRESSIVE

IF YOU PUT ANY MORE. WELL, WE'RE REINVENTING THE JOKE

FOR NEW GENERATIONS BY PUTTING IN STUFF

THAT'S OFFENSIVE NOW.

NOW, THE WORLD HAS CHANGED, YOU KNOW?

SHOCK... SHOCK-ABILITY HAS GONE INTO A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL.

YOU COULD SAY, "NIGGAH, NIGGAH, NIGGAH, SPIC, DICK, CUNT..." EVERY...

YOU COULD SAY ALL THAT. PEOPLE GO...

WHEN YOU'RE AMONG COMEDIANS, YOU GOT...

YOU REALLY HAVE TO PUSH THE ENVELOPE.

WHAT? COMEDIAN TELLING IT TO COMEDIANS AS A...?

HE'D PROBABLY DO A FILTHIER, DISGUSTING VERSION OF IT

FOR HIS PEERS THAN... THAN HE WOULD FOR

MAYBE HIS FRIENDS AT THE BAR FROM THE OLD NEIGHBOURHOOD.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE PERFORMING IN FRONT YOUR FAMILY,

YET THERE'S NO HOLDS BARRED,

AND THERE'S A LEVEL OF APPRECIATION

THAT'S GOING TO SORT OF GO ALONG WITH IT.

I DARE YOU PREVENT IT...

TO TELL THAT JOKE ON STAGE IN FRONT OF ANYONE.

IF YOU COULD MAKE AN AUDIENCE LAUGH AT THAT, YOU ARE GOD.

I'M A WRITER AT THE "NEW YORK OBSERVER".

FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS, I'VE BEEN COVERING THE FRIAR'S ROAST,

AND THIS YEAR I WROTE ABOUT GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S TAKE ON "THE ARISTOCRATS".

GILBERT GOTTFRIED DID IT AT THE HUGH HEFNER ROAST.

IT WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING JOKE EVER.

THIS ROAST WAS HAPPENING NOT EVEN THREE WEEKS AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th,

SO THERE WAS A BIG DISCUSSION

ABOUT WHAT WAS RIGHT IN TERMS OF TASTE.

THERE HADN'T BEEN ANY COMEDY IN NEW YORK

AND IT WAS VERY FRESH.

WE WERE FACED WITH, LIKE, HAVING TO, LIKE, PUT UP A SHOW,

PUT ON TUXEDOS, GET HUGH HEFNER AND HIS PUSSY POSSE ON A PLANE.

IT WASN'T AN EASY SELL, BUT WE GOT HIM TO DO IT.

TO HIS CREDIT, WE RAISED HALF A MILLION DOLLARS

FOR CHARITY, FOR 9/11 RELATED CHARITIES.

PEOPLE NEEDED A LAUGH, THE RELEASE.

EVERYBODY WAS PULLING BACK.

EVERYBODY WAS REALLY SORT OF BEING CAREFUL.

ROB SCHNEIDER WENT ON FIRST.

HE WAS DOING GREAT, THEN HE MISSED A FEW

AND A COUPLE OF JOKES DIDN'T WORK.

AND I WENT UP TO THE MIC AND I SAID, "ROB,

HASN'T THERE BEEN ENOUGH BOMBING IN THIS CITY?"

AND HERE COMES GILBERT, AND HE JUST WENT FOR BROKE.

IT WAS UN... I MEAN, IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

GILBERT GOTTFRIED TOOK THE MIC, TOOK THE ROOM OVER...

HE SAID HE WAS TRYING TO GET A DIRECT FLIGHT TO LOS ANGELES.

HE WAS NERVOUS 'CAUSE HIS PLANE HAD A CONNECTION ON THE WAY HOME

AT THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. LIKE...

THAT WAS WHEN THE CROWD TURNED. THEY STARTED BOOING HIM.

THERE WAS A GUY IN THE AUDIENCE SHOUTING, "TOO SOON, TOO SOON."

THE CROWD WAS MURMURING, AND HE SAID... OKAY.

A MAN...

A TRAV... A TALENT AGENT IS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE.

A FAMILY WALKS IN:

MAN, WOMAN, THEIR TWO KIDS AND THEIR LITTLE DOG.

THE TALENT AGENT GOES, "WHAT KIND OF AN ACT DO YOU DO?"

IT WAS LIKE HE HAD MADE THIS CONSCIOUS DECISION,

"OKAY, I CAN'T PUSH THE ENVELOPE OF TASTE

IN TERMS OF WHAT HAPPENED IN SEPTEMBER,

SO I'M GOING TO PUSH IT IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DIRECTION."

IT WAS ARGUABLY THE DIRTIEST ROAST

THE FRIARS HAD EVER DONE.

THE FATHER STARTS FUCKING HIS WIFE;

THE WIFE STARTS JERKING OFF THE SON;

THE SON STARTS GOING DOWN ON THE SISTER;

THE SISTER STARTS FINGERING THE DOG'S ASSHOLE.

HE JUST GRABBED IT BY THE THROAT, YOU KNOW...

HE JUST ATTACKED.

THEN, THE SON STARTS BLOWING HIS FATHER!

WANT ME TO START AT THE BEGINNING?

IF YOU MISSED ANY PORTION,

I'LL REPEAT IT.

Frank Digiacomo: THERE WAS THIS WEIRD BUZZ THAT CAME,

AND YOU COULD SEE THE GUYS UP ON THE DAIS

WERE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER,

AND THEY HAD THIS LOOK OF FAMILIARITY IN THEIR EYES.

THEY WERE ALL SORT OF SAYING,

"WHERE IS HE GOING TO TAKE THIS THING?"

THEN THE DAUGHTER STARTS LICKING OUT THE FATHER'S ASSHOLE.

THEN THE FATHER SHITS ON THE FLOOR,

THE MOTHER SHITS ON THE FLOOR,

THE DOG PISSES AND SHITS ON THE FLOOR.

THEY ALL JUMP DOWN INTO THE SHIT AND PISS AND CUM,

AND THEY START FUCKING AND SUCKING EACH OTHER.

AND THEN THEY TAKE A BOW.

Audience:

AND THE TALENT AGENT SAYS...

I'LL WAIT TILL YOU'RE READY.

I AM SITTING AT A TABLE OF ALL COMICS. WE'RE ON THE FLOOR.

THEY MIGHT HAVE TO CLEAN THIS UP FOR TV.

Drew Carey: I WAS LAUGHING 'CAUSE

HE JUST WAS GOING SO BIG WITH IT,

WHICH I CAN'T IMAGINE GILBERT GOTTFRIED DOING.

IT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE BEST

SINGLE TELLINGS OF A JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD.

NOW WHERE WAS I? OH YES.

THE SON IS LICKING OUT HIS FATHER'S ASSHOLE.

I ALMOST DIED BECAUSE I COULDN'T...

COULDN'T CATCH MY BREATH FOR LAUGHING.

THEY FUCK AND SUCK EACH OTHER AND THEY TAKE A BOW.

AND THE TALENT AGE... DID YOU MISS ANY PORTION OF THIS?

THE TALENT AGENT SAYS, "WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING ACT,"

WHICH IS KIND OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

THE LAUGH WAS SO DEEP AND CATHARTIC THAT IT WAS...

LIKE, PEOPLE WERE COUGHING UP PIECES OF LUNG.

JUST... IT WAS AMAZING. AND A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE

WHO WERE WATCHING HIM OR UP ON THE DAIS, THEY'RE ALL IN COMEDY,

AND IT WAS AS IF HE HAD UNITED EVERYBODY IN THAT ONE MOMENT

BECAUSE HE TOLD SOMETHING THAT THEY ALL KNEW

AND THEY ALL HAD SOME SORT OF HANDLE ON IT.

AND HE JUST FOCUSED IT AND DID IT.

HE CLEARLY HAD IMPRESSED A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE ROOM.

NOW...

Frank Digiacomo: HE PULLED THIS THING OUT AND DID IT SO WELL

AND WITH SUCH FEARLESSNESS.

I HATE TO END THIS ON A REALLY SENTIMENTAL NOTE.

Frank Digiacomo: THERE WAS THIS SOUND IN THE AUDIENCE

THAT YOU REALLY KNEW THAT THERE WAS...

SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING HERE THAT WAS OUTSIDE MY GRASP

AND, YOU KNOW, ANYONE ELSE WHO WASN'T A TOTAL COMEDY VETERAN.

AGAIN, NOT A GREAT JOKE, SO FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.

ON THE OTHER HAND, HEAR GILBERT GOTTFRIED TELL A JOKE LIKE THAT,

IT'S A PICASSO.

THE JOKE, I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANY MORE,

I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW FAR HE WOULD TAKE IT,

AND WHEN HE WOULD NOT STOP SAYING,

"FUCKING AND SUCKING AND FUCKING..."

WATCHING HIM GO THROUGH HIS APOPLECTIC,

RHYTHMIC INCANTATION OF THE WHOLE THING SORT OF TAKES OVER.

THE FACT THAT HE IS SAYING THESE PARTICULAR WORDS

ALMOST DOESN'T MATTER.

HE SAYS, "NOW WHAT DO YOU CALL YOURSELVES?"

AND THEY GO, "THE ARISTOCRATS"!

OH-HO!

WELL, SEE... IT'S JUST A...

IT'S JUST A JOKE.

HELP!

IT'S AS SHOCKING AS THE FIRST TIME YOU HEARD IT, ISN'T IT?

DON'T TOUCH ME.

IS THAT THE JOKE THAT YOU REMEMBER?

WELL, I DIDN'T HEAR IT THAT WAY.

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE.

I'M ALREADY FEELING LIKE I DIDN'T DO IT JUSTICE.

I HAD FUCKING THE DAUGHTER IN THERE, BUT I DIDN'T...

I DIDN'T COLOUR IT IN WITH COLOURFUL ADJECTIVES.

UH, "AN ARM LIKE POPEYE."

I DIDN'T REALIZE THE BILL THAT I WAS ON.

WHAT'S THE MOST POSSIBLY VILE AND OFFENSIVE THING

YOU COULD ADD TO TOP ALL THAT.

IF THE GUY TOOK SOME OF THE SHIT THAT WAS ON THE STAGE

AND SMEARED IT ON HIS FACE AND DID A BLACK-FACE ROUTINE.

DOING A MINSTREL ACT.

THAT'S GOOD. ADD RACE-BAITING.

SEX ANY MORE, WHO GIVES A SHIT? THE RACIAL ISSUE

HAS REPLACED THE SEXUAL ISSUE.

I'M THE AGENT AND YOU'RE THE CLIENT.

OKAY. ARE YOU A JEW AGENT,

YOU FILTHY, HOOK-NOSED

THIEVING FUCK? YEAH.

THE AGENT SAYS, "YEAH, WHAT DO YOU DO?"

HE GOES, "A BLACK GUY COMES ON

AND STARTS SUCKIN' MY COCK

LIKE IT'S A CHICKEN NECK BONE.

THIS INDIAN COMES ON...

YOU KNOW, SLURPIE INDIAN, NOT CASINO INDIAN...

SPRINKLES CURRY ON EVERYBODY

AND START STINKING UP THE PLACE.

A SPIC COMES ON, STEALS EVERYBODY'S WALLET,

AND TAKES A SHIT ON THE STAGE.

BLACK GUY GRABS A MOP, STICKS IT UP THE GAY GUY'S ASS

AND MOPS UP THE FUCKING FLOOR."

THE AGENT SAYS, "HOLY SHIT.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS CALL YOURSELVES?"

THE FAG GOES, "THE ARISTOCRATS".

ONE OF THE CLICHES PEOPLE OFTEN GO TO IS...

NOW A LOT OF... SOME PEOPLE DO THIS FOR SHOCK VALUE.

WELL, SHOCK IS JUST ANOTHER UPTOWN WORD FOR SURPRISE.

GRANTED IT HAS A DIFFERENT QUALITY TO IT,

BUT A JOKE IS ABOUT SURPRISING SOMEONE.

LIKE THREE WOMEN OF COLOUR, THEY GO IN THIS, UH, AGENT'S OFFICE.

THEY GO, "WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO?"

SHE GOES, "WELL, MY SISTER PLAYS THE CELLO.

SHE PLAYS, UH, CHOPIN'S, UH, "THIRD MOVEMENT IN B MINOR".

I LAY ON A CHAISE LOUNGE, NUDE,

READING SONNETS FROM SHAKESPEARE,

AND THEN MY THIRD SISTER PAINTS A PAINTING

VERY SIMILAR TO DECROIX'S "THE GIRL".

HE GOES, "WOW, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS ACT?"

SHE GOES, "OH, WE'RE 'NIGGER CUNTS'."

BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.

THAT'S THE TWO WORST WORDS IN THE WORLD.

I'M A GREAT BELIEVER IN CONTEXT.

I SAY YOU CAN JOKE ABOUT ANYTHING.

FUNNY IS FUNNY. IF THEY'RE TOLD WITH A FUNNY BONE,

ANYTHING'S ACCEPTABLE.

I MEAN, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

YOU KNOW, AFTER THE TRAGIC EVENTS OF, UH, JANUARY 3rd,

COME ON.

ON JANUARY 3rd, I LEFT MY VISA

AT THE FOUR SEASONS ON DOHENY. IT WAS LIKE...

I DO LIKE FINDING OUT WHERE THE LINE IS DRAWN,

DELIBERATELY CROSSING IT,

BRINGING SOME OF THEM WITH ME ACROSS THE LINE

AND HAVING THEM BE HAPPY THAT I DID.

I LIKE TO TAKE CHANCES BECAUSE...

I JUST THINK THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT COMEDY IS ALL ABOUT.

I PULL UP MOMMY'S DRESS,

AND I PUT MY WIENER IN HER BUTT.

AND I PUSH IT INTO HER UNWILLING ANUS...

AND I MOVE MY WIENER BACK AND FORTH UNTIL STUFF SHOOTS OUT.

TILL IT'S FINALLY JUST A WHOLE PROLAPSED RECTUM.

IT LOOKS LIKE AN ULCERATED SEA SNAKE.

REMEMBER WHEN I TOOK YOU TO SEA WORLD? YEAH.

AND ALL THIS STUFF SHOOTS ONTO HER FACE.

AND I STICK MY COCK IN HER ASS. IT'S LIKE A SHILLELAGH.

IT'S ALL KNOTTED WITH BOILS AND FIBROUS TUMOURS.

I'LL SHOW YOU A LITTLE BIT LATER.

THE BROTHER COMES OUT. HE EATS THE STUFF OFF HER FACE.

WITH THIS BLEEDING ANUS SPLATTERING ON THE CROWD,

WE GIVE THE FRONT ROW GARBAGE BAGS.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN GALLAGHER?

YEAH, I DIDN'T LIKE IT THAT MUCH MYSELF.

AND THEY EAT THE POOP OFF THE FLOOR.

AND HE SAYS, "TAH-DAH!"

AND THE MAN SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS"!

AND BOTH OF THE MEN ARE PROBABLY JEWS.

Alan Kirschenbaum: THAT THERE'S STILL A JOKE OUT THERE

THAT MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T TELL,

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THEY'RE TAKING A CHANCE TELLING;

MAYBE THEY GET A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS

AS THEY START THE JOKE, MEANS SOMETHING.

EVEN IN TODAY'S DAY AND AGE,

THEY JUST GET A LITTLE MURMUR INSIDE

AND I THINK THAT WOULD BE

WHAT KEEPS A JOKE LIKE THIS SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALIZED ANY OF THAT

STUFF WAS CONSIDERED DIRTY, 'CAUSE I WAS...

IT'S FUNNY, BEFORE YOU GUYS GOT HERE,

I WAS EATING A PLATE OF MY OWN SHIT.

UM, AND THAT THE... HEY, MYLE. HEY!

DO YOU KNOW THIS JOKE ABOUT...

THE PUNCHLINE IS, "THE ARISTOCRATS".

I TOTALLY DO NOT GET IT.

YOU DON'T GET THE JOKE?

SOMEONE TOLD IT TO ME BUT I DON'T GET IT.

'CAUSE IT'S A WHOLE FAMILY'S HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.

NO, IT'S... IT'S THAT ARISTOCRATIC?

IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

UM...

YEAH, I THINK IT'S BEST IF WE DON'T BREAK IT DOWN.

WOULD YOU AGREE WITH THAT?

NO, I DON'T WANT TO TELL THE JOKE.

YOU GUYS HAVE HAD WAY TOO MANY GREAT PEOPLE TELLING THIS JOKE.

♪ THE ARISTOCRATS!

THAT'S GREAT.

THE BEST LOOKIN' ASS IN SHOW BUSINESS.

DON'T EVER ASK ME TO DO ANOTHER FAVOUR FOR YOU.

I GUARANTEE YOU THIS WOULD NOT WIND UP ON MY DEMO TAPE.

I'M NOT GOING TO WORK FOR DISNEY EVER AGAIN,

THANKS A LOT, PAUL PROVENZA.

I ONCE ASKED DOM IRRERA, "WHY DOES ANAL SEX

PLAY SUCH A HUGE ROLE IN HUMOUR?"

AND HE SAID, "I CAN'T TELL YOU, BUT I CAN SHOW YOU."

SARAH SILVERMAN IS A YOUNG LADY TO WATCH.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

Man: BUT YOU'VE NEVER MET HER? NO.

DOES EVERYONE DO IT? DOES EVERYONE DO THIS?

OR NO?

ALL RIGHT. FUCK. SHIT. CUNT.

A MAN GOES INTO A PUB,

ANOTHER GUY GOES IN AND HITS HIM ON THE HEAD

WITH AN IRON BAR. HE SAYS, "HEY!

IS THAT SERIOUS OR A JOKE?"

HE SAYS, "IT WAS SERIOUS." HE SAYS, "THANK GOD,

I CAN'T STAND JOKES LIKE THAT."

IS ANY OF THIS FUNNY?

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T PAN TO THEM; STAY ON ME.

DON'T, DON'T LOOK AT THEM.

THERE'S GOING TO BE PROBLEMS.

Man: GOT IT. OKAY.

BRUNCH IS GOING TO UP IN REDFORD'S THING, 2020?

I'LL TRY TO BE ALIVE FOR IT.

IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT YOU TALK ABOUT CUNTS FOR 10 MINUTES

AND SOMEBODY BEHIND THE CAMERA GOES,

"PERFECT, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED."

A GUY SEES TWO PRIESTS HAVING SUPPER TOGETHER,

AND HE SAYS, "I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO SEND THEM A BOTTLE OF WINE

OR A CUB SCOUT."

THE DOG'S NAME IS PEANUT, UM, AND SHE IS BLIND.

UH, SHE WASN'T BLIND WHEN WE GOT HER,

BUT WE BLINDED HER JUST SO SHE'D BE A LITTLE BIT MORE FUN.

OOOHH...

THAT'S GOOD.

OOOOHH... FUCK, THAT'S GOOD.

IS THIS THING ON?

TO THE OTHER COMEDIANS THAT DID THIS,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING,

BUT THEY REFUSE TO PAY ME.

AND I'M REALLY STEAMED, STEAMED!

AND THE AGENT SAYS...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

DID OTHER PEOPLE GET LAUGHS OUT OF THIS?

I THINK SO. JEEZ.

AND HE SAYS, "THE ARISTOCRATS"!

IT'S 'CAUSE IT'S ABSOLUTELY

THE WRONG THING TO CALL AN ACT LIKE THAT.

IS IT ON?

YOU'RE NOT TAPING YET, REALLY ARE YOU?

GOODBYE!

Man: THERE GOES THE MIC!

SHIT, I FORGOT WE HAD THE MIC ON.

TRY THIS, BALL SACKS.

GREAT, I SAID BALL SACKS

IN FRONT OF A SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

THEY'RE NOW GOING TO TAKE MY SIX-YEAR-OLD AWAY FROM ME.

BYE, ROBERT, DADDY LOVES YOU.

I OFTEN JUST SIT HERE IN MY GARDEN,

GAZING INTO MY VICTORIAN REFLECTING BALL

AND... DARLING WOULD YOU GET ME A CUP OF TEA?

Woman: GET IT YOURSELF!

I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU.

IT'S SO NICE TO BE PART OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY EXPERIENCE.

A RABBI WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A FROG ON HIS SHOULDER.

THE BARTENDER SAYS, "HEY, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?"

AND THE FROG SAYS, "BROOKLYN,

THERE'S HUNDREDS OF THEM."

GOOD LUCK.

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ALL, LIKE, CONNECTED.

AND NOW, THE WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING VAUDEVILLIAN

WITH THE ORIGINAL "ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

NO, THIS WAY, THIS WAY, THIS WAY, THIS WAY.

THIS WAY.

THERE ARE THESE TWO MOUNTAIN GOATS AND THEY...

Man: SIR, SIR, SIR?

SIR? HUH?

THANK YOU!

OH...

Both: "ARISTOCRATS".