All language subtitles for The Comic Strip s05e02 Space Virgins

Named Discovery, this probe will pass by
Jupiter and Saturn before heading off

into space.

It's now 20 years since NASA launched
their space probe Discovery.

Scientists at NASA confirmed today that
they seem to have lost all contact with

the deep space probe.

As the last man alive on this planet,
and heading swiftly toward my 500th year

as Bill Ruler, I fear that I am neither
young nor feral enough for the task that

lies ahead.

Praise be to Zekko!

Praise be to Zekko!

Oh, mighty Lauren, we are fast
approaching our 200 -year breeding

when we will be producing over 100
babies a week each.

Yes, and this cycle lasts but one month.

What are we to do?

Charon is right, Zoran.

If we miss this cycle, it'll be too
late. Our planet will die.

Yes, and it is for this reason that I've
summoned you, my elite space rats, the

Division.

We have but one option.

To mount an expedition to another planet
to find suitable men to father our

race. Sorry, what planet?

What men, oh mighty one?

Charon is right again, Zoran.

We have no proof that there's any life
out there, never mind something, well,

suitable. Silence!

You're space rats.

You will do what has to be done.

Hail, John!

But one half of an hour ago, this
primitive spacecraft landed on the

highlands. It was found by slug
harvesters. It came from a planet called

Inside, we found this disc.

His engraving once died.

I shall pass it amongst you.

In the engraving, there are two
creatures.

If you examine it closely, you will
notice that the creature on the left has

genitals quite like mine.

When do we leave, Goran?

You leave tonight.

I remember.

Our planet's future depends on you
bringing back offspring that are strong,

highly intelligent, and attractive.

Go for the following types of men.

Athletes or sporting stars for their
strength and stamina.

Scientists and professors for their cold
pursuit of knowledge.

Highly successful authors for their
insight and imagination.

And finally, rock stars, film stars, and
fashion celebrities.

for their personalities and glamour. But
remember, you have no time for anything

other than breeding with these alien
creatures. I repeat, no time for

other than meeting your quarter.

Good luck.

The planet is depending on you.

Goodbye.

Farewell, mighty Zoran.

What, say we go back to my hotel, swap
pajamas and... James, we've only just

met. Haven't you heard of just talking
and getting better acquainted?

You hardly know me.

I don't think there's much to know, is
there, except you work for Spectre. I

work at Tesco, James. I already told
you. I'm not a Russian spy and I don't

sleep around.

Nice try, pussy.

In the meantime, why don't you take a
top off?

That's enough.

Take me back to London, James.

Now.

a picnic.

How about a quick shower?

Just the two of us. You know, you really
should see an analyst, James Blonde.

Because you're behaving like a jerk.

Your attitude to women, your
conversation, your suit.

And as for this dick compensator you
drive, you're nothing but a joke, James

Blonde. Good night.

Yes. Good night, boys.

Should have kept it more shut.

Just what the hell do you think you're
playing at, Blonde?

Shooting a girl in broad daylight. HM
government are not pleased.

What are you going to say for yourself?

She called me a joke, sir. Sipped my car
with a dick compensator.

Who did she?

Oh, really?

Have a seat, James.

Thank you, sir.

See, the world's changed, James.

Apparently we all have to live together
on this planet now. No room for a rogue

male in this new caring, sharing world
of ours.

A modern secret agent is sensitive.

He doesn't drink.

Doesn't smoke, and he certainly doesn't
treat women the way you do, James.

All part of Spectre's plan, sir.

Oh, that's my flag.

No, I'm sorry, James. It just won't
work. You leave me no alternative.

The PM's requested you be sent to our
deep rehabilitation centre at Lindhurst.

special hypnotherapy brainwash in grade
one.

Your coach leaves at 5 .30.

A coach, sir?

Mm -hmm. Big thing. Four wheels.

You are clear to land on runway 09.

Thank you, London. We're dropping to 8
,000 feet, speed 395.

Oh, my God, what's that?

John, quick!

Something come up on the screen.

We haven't got any military traffic in
the zone, have we?

That's faster than any jet I know.

Flight 217, swing it right.

What's that, Peter?

Look out of the window!

That's crashed.

107.

That's just near where I live.

Sorry, Peter.

Can you repeat that last message?

Go straight through.

That's impossible.

Disappeared.

Right here.

Over Wales.

Good work looking after the flock.

What are you doing tonight, then,
Howell?

I think I'll work out for an hour or two
on the dumbbells.

After you, then.

I'm going to cook you a lovely
vegetarian dinner.

With a bit of multivitamin powder.

That's lovely.

After that, we'll have your favourite,
royal jelly.

I'll be glad when the snow's gone and we
can go bodysurfing on the lake.

What the hell is that then?

Good day, gentlemen.

My name is Miss Schauerheim. I'm your
course instructor.

We shall begin by eradicating your
sexism.

Tanya?

She is not a sex object.

She is a person.

A person with dreams and ambitions.

She is your equal.

She has needs, just like you.

I know what she needs.

Professor, you work too hard, you do.

And my eyesight.

Get a grip, get a grip. Good night,
Professor.

Yes, good night. Mind you, don't go mad
with all those theories of yours.

Mad? Me?

Mad?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I've got it, Maggie. If I could just
tilt the Earth. Oh, just 0 .0378 of a

-degree. That would do it. That would do
it. We'd save the resources of this

planet. Yes, a little drop of this
permanganate, permanganate.

Where's Hugh, Maggie?

I think I've got it now.

What do you want?

Get away from me now.

Listen, I told you girls... Reach

out and grip that bottle.

Say to yourself, alcohol makes me talk
too loud.

Alcohol makes me talk too loud.

Alcohol makes me think I'm sexy, but
makes me fat.

Alcohol makes me think I'm sexy, but
makes me fat.

Good.

That will be all for today.

I'm very pleased with your progress.

All coming along well.

Class dismissed.

Miss Straheim.

I was wondering if you could...

Help me with some homework.

I don't understand.

What sort of homework?

Listen, Puss, why don't we take this
back to my room?

And while you slip your top off, I'll
make sure I can't tell what... And

finally, the moment you've all been
waiting for.

This year's Booker Prize goes to the
most clever author of the year, Martin

Aimless.

Being a writer is a very lonely
occupation.

You have to have both insight and
imagination.

The situation is desperate, gentlemen.

Within the last few days, the top brains
in this country, plus several figures

from the world of sport and show
business, have been snatched from their

of work by some agents that appear to be
inhuman.

Sounds like Miss Stroheim.

Don't be flippant, Blanc. What do you
mean by inhuman?

Inhuman, Prime Minister, because these
creatures, whoever they are, have

spirited their victims away, bypassing
some of the most sensitive security

equipment we have.

The only possible explanation is that
they were taken by some extraterrestrial

force. Four days ago, gentlemen, this
landed on a hillside in Wales.

It's made of some kind of galactic space
metal we know nothing about.

What we do know is that three young
shepherds were dragged off and haven't

seen since.

Well, I'll call you from Jamaica, then.

Not this time, Bond.

Take the next train to Swansea. Report a
case there.

What's that? A book of prizes? You won
that, sir? Why should I get an award

somebody else just because I'm more
talented than that?

Yeah, man. Oh, I've read a book once.
Yeah, I've read a book once. It's green.

It's a green book, sir.

Well, maybe it was a bat.

Hold on, sir.

Yeah, what's the matter with the motor?

What is it?

Well, I can't seem to turn the steering
wheel, sir. And I can't stop the bloody

thing, sir.

Sounds like the opening of one of my
novels.

This is crazy, sir. This is mental. It's
speeding up.

Some kind of gas, sir.

I think it's... I think it's... I think
it's...

We've spent some time

on this one, Blonde.

If I may say so, the department's really
excelled itself.

We've prepared a range of devices which
might come in useful.

Now, this may look like an ordinary G
-string and suspender, but if you look

carefully, you'll see we've inserted a
radio transmitter.

Exploding dildo.

With rocket attachment.

Can be launched from a hotel bedroom or
a multi -story car park.

Now, inflatable doll.

Unzip this and it turns into a four
-wheel drive estate car.

Naturally. Now, pay attention. We're
particularly pleased with this one. It's

exploding jigsaw.

How does it work?

Very simple.

Hand your board cap to this erotic game.

He puts the pieces together. When he
puts in the final piece, it explodes in

face.

What's this?

It's an egg.

Try not to break it, Blom.

He's next.

Give him a plate of oysters and oil him
up immediately.

What

are

they, art students?

They're like, no girls I've ever seen
before.

He's next.

Good luck.

I don't need love.

I'm not one of them.

They only joined the first few times.

Right. This is the plan, Commander.

We've just learned that the Nobel Prize
winner, Professor Macon, is landing at

Heathrow at 10 .30 this morning.

It's our belief that these aliens will
try and snatch him soon after he

However, we've taken care of the real
Professor Macon.

You will take his place.

Good luck, and keep it brief.

Ah, you must be... Macon. Professor
Macon. E equals mc squared.

Ah, so.

You come this way, please.

Car waiting.

How delightful.

Where are we going to, Miss... Funny,
funny.

But you can call me funny.

Well, if you make me laugh, I will.

First we go to hotel to relax, and then
you give big lecture for top rank.

Tell me, funny, do all the academy
shoppers carry guns?

Oh, uh, no.

Only for a very special guest like you,
sir.

Here we are, Professor.

I come back in ten minutes. You have big
shower, then we go for big lecture.

What's the big hurry, Fanny?

It's an old saying in Liverpool.

You'll never wash alone.

We have a saying in Japan.

Wet water make tiger down.

Yes, well, we have another thing in
Scotland, which is why don't you skip

parables and get your coat on.

We have a saying in the sexy parable in
China.

Well, how very convenient.

Hi, Marcus.

I'm Gaynor.

Oh, hi, Gaynor.

Where do you want me, then?

Please, sit down.

Congratulations on your Booker Prize, by
the way. You must be over the moon.

Oh, that, yes. It's another award.

Now, let me explain to you exactly who
we are and why we're here.

We are a special troop of women on a
mission from a planet called Theta 5.

Now, on Theta 5, we have absolutely no
men, Martin.

Probably because of all the smoke.

So we have had to come here to get
pregnant.

I see.

Whilst I don't like the term sex slave,
there will be an element of compulsion

in your stay.

You will be required to have sex with
all of us at 40 -minute intervals during

the next three weeks.

Ready when you are.

Lovely. Well, then, may I introduce you
to the lovely Charon, who'll be seeing

you first?

Charon? I'll leave you two alone.

Now.

Needle. Let her in. She's one of us.

Get him off. You know the routine.

Yes, I certainly do.

Martin. Oh, that's the best I've had all
day.

What was it like on Earth then?

What, you mean with girls?

Yeah.

Well, they're not as cold and detached
about sex as you are. They like to be

courted. They like this thing we call a
relationship first.

A relationship?

Mm.

I like the sound of that.

A relationship.

Charon's taking rather a long time,
isn't she? So what do you do when you

relationship?

Oh, you know, you go to restaurants, go
to clubs, go to pubs. Oh.

Talk, dance.

Oh. Take them shopping, buy them
presents, buy them flowers, laugh at

jokes. I mean, really, it's a
complicated, boring waste of time.

You're always much better.

No, it isn't.

I want to experience what a relationship
on Earth is like, Martin.

OK. Might get a cup of tea, I'm going to
watch the cricket.

There's something up with Sharon.

She didn't want me to mate with Martin,
you know.

Me neither.

And me.

Hmm.

I'm going to have to have a word with
her.

Aren't you sick of wearing silver all
the time? Yeah, I am. Yeah, me too.

Oh!

2 ,000 nappies. I think it's a dry run.

That is true.

Well, now, aren't you cold in these
skimpy silver outfits?

Shut it, Earthling. Just do your job.

Gold, you girls are strong.

So what do you need all these nappies
for?

Eh?

You're not very friendly, are you?

What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?
You'll forget why you ever came here,

Earthling.

I can't remember why I came here.

Time to go, Earthling.

Yes, so wise one.

I've been counting your quota, Charon.

Apparently, you have six babies in the
author section and only one in the

science section.

Oh, have I?

Um, that's the way it happens. She's
lying. She only wants to have babies

the author.

That's very self -centred of you,
Cheryl.

Martin is the only modern writer we've
got. Now remember what the great Zoran

said. We have to meet our quota.

Bring back a mixed selection of babies
or our planet will die.

I don't care!

I hate our planet! I don't want to go
back to that cold, smoky, loveless,

freezing planet!

I want to stay here!

What? Yes, yes. I want to live with
Martin and nothing he'll get.

Seize her!

Beside him lay the burnt -out shadows.

Though once health and skin lay like...
grey blankets over flag hoops of bones.

He groaned with feet fat, empty in his
glasses. Put a sock in it, Martin.

Put a sock in it, Martin, he croaked.

I wish I could.

Say the memoirs, Martin.

Back to work.

What are you going to do to me? We're
leaving you here just as you wanted.

We want nothing to do with you and your
treacherous offspring, Earth lover.

Please, Gaynor. I'm sorry, Sharon.

It's Doran's orders. Anyone who
endangers the expedition must be

immediately as an example.

Right, Needle. Get all of the babies
onto the spacecraft, because pretty soon

this whole place is going to be
vaporized.

Excuse me, Sharon.

Sharon's indisposed.

I'm not like Sharon. I don't give a shit
about this planet or having fun.

I'm a cold, heartless, base bitch, and
I'm here to get pregnant. Understand?

Fine. Good. Get your pants off.

You take them off.

Get them off before I vaporize your
arse.

All right, okay.

Who are you?

No time to explain.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

It's an erotic jigsaw.

It's the one chance we've got. Now
concentrate.

Right. Is that a bedpost or is it a
man's woolly?

Oh, no, it's a lake.

Oh, so it is.

Quit stalling, baby.

I'm not. I want to, but I can't.

That's what they all say.

I'm going to count to ten, you
pretentious scribe.

And if you're not getting busy, I...
Come on, please, please. Come on, up you

come.

Right.

You take that five.

I'll go this way.

Just stick him over in the reject
section. We're not taking very...

You're a cute little thing, aren't you?

You've got your mother's nose.

She's got my carotidonic lips.

Here.

I've got something for you to play with.

Hold this with your forefinger around
the trigger.

It's a Walter PPK.

Good stopping power for a gun of this
size.

Of course, Em was always trying to get
me to get rid of it. Well, hello,

Professor.

Or should I say, Mr Blonde.

You seem to know an awful lot about our
Earth mission, don't you, Mr. Blonde?

Only to capture the most talented men
this country has, force them to have sex

with you, and you're now about to
transport their offspring to some

smoky void you call a planet.

Exactly. Do you seriously think you can
beat them, change their nappies, and

cuddle them at seven times the speed of
light?

You don't need this one.

This one belongs on Earth, here with his
daddy.

Hand that baby over now.

Excuse me.

Stand by.

Matthew, the long drive.

There we go.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't cry. Come on
now.

Yes, Mommy's here. Here we are.

Oh, don't you start as well.

Look, shut up.

Shut up!

Ribena, shaken, not stirred.

I'm not cut out for motherhood, James,
not yet.

Well, I've always wanted to be a dad,
and I guess this is my chance.

I'm sure you'll be a wonderful father
too.

I'll see you at the christening.

I don't think so James.

Bye James.

Thanks for the treatment, plus it was
electrifying.

But not as electrifying as this.