Original subtitles

Starting 1st of June, 12 weeks, right?

Top of the bill, Lena Martell, Bimbo the performing dog, Zelda the hypnotist.

What's he done? What's he done? He's done 12 weeks of Blackpool, that's all

done. Alright, now listen, compare, come comic, he doubles up, you win at both

ends, Johnny Clamp, right? You can't go wrong. And the music, we've got a lovely

little combo called The Beatles, alright? There you go.

Joan of Arc air cuts and rock and roll. The kids love it.

What do they do?

What do they do? About 15 minutes. They're good for a fill. They're

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. Drop the hypnotist.

I like Joan of Arc. I'll take the combo.

Crazy time because my parents have gone away. Okay, bye.

Oh, yeah, um...

With so many crazy artists and poets like you and Kix.

It's such a trip.

What's it like to be successful, Alan?

Success?

Well, it's like going to an orgy in clean underpants.

Oh, wow.

It's Marlon Brando throwing up in your bathroom.

Oh, crazy.

Why don't we stop at the canvas up the road here?

Dig this.

Yeah, dig it.

Bang, bang, she was dead.

I shot her through the head.

You really are the most promising illiterate of our generation, Kegs.

Gum, anybody?

Write a poem about my legs, somebody.

Which one?

Which one?

The beautiful whore called Peg. The Venus with one leg.

The only woman I ever loved.

I cut it off for you, Kit.

Honey, it just fall over.

This is a copy of Alan's latest book.

I think you're going to love it, Kurt.

It's 100 %...

pure guaranteed filth and I'm not just saying that.

I know I've said all this in the past but I think you'll probably find that's

the most vile and disgusting piece of literature you'll ever read.

Yes, good, good, good, but Charles, 50 ,000?

Kurt, you old Nazi, you really must realize what this fabulous obscenity

has done for Alan's career.

I mean, we are talking telephone numbers now, dear boy, telephone numbers.

Well, Charles, it looks as though once again you have me by the short penis

hairs, yeah?

Yeah.

So we're all settled now, eh?

Oh, look, here's Alan now.

Thank you. Well, you leave this with me, and

I'll leave that with you.

What a beautiful pad you have here. Who handles the insurance?

Who needs it, Daddy? The world's going to end tomorrow.

Too true.

Sign this waiver, would you?

Alan's dying to meet you.

Alan!

It's so weird to think he is in my house.

Smashing up my car.

That's really him, isn't it?

I like what you did to my car. It was brilliant.

Really brilliant.

Well, it's going to be a great party, Desmond.

It's really free, isn't it?

No, Melbourne.

Melbourne in Australia.

Bloody hell!

Hi. Hi.

I'm Desmond. I'm hungry. Where do you keep the cream?

Cream.

Is your cocky, is this?

Uh, yeah.

do you know what he did then?

He took an ordinary drinking straw and cut a little nick and put the straw into

the nick and blew the whole thing up to the size of a balloon.

And then he said, do you want to play pat ball?

Just gonna kill myself, okay?

Yeah, well, you're gonna be very, very sorry, aren't you?

Hi. Here for the weekend?

Yeah, me too.

But what's the weekend? I mean, two days, right?

You sleeping with any of these people?

Oh, hey, look at the beach. I mean, you got really, really nice ears.

You know, I'm into underground films, but I'm on the roof at the moment.

Yeah, that's a joke. Maybe it's not funny. I don't know. It's free country,

what the hell?

You know Desmond?

He seems kind of young, you know. I mean, I only just met him. I don't even

if I'm sleeping with him yet or not.

He's got a nice house.

You know, I think I'm confused, but I don't know.

So I fetched him in the egg.

I mean, you know what she called me? She calls me a cold -blooded murderer.

Stop, stop, it's too crazy.

I'm turning into a Negro.

Eleanor, get to the back of the bar.

Yeah, yeah, I'm turning into an Italian.

Look, pointed shoes.

Kicks, do you remember the ruler, that big negro with a 12 -inch wing?

He was living over a jazz dive near the swamp.

We drove south one day and picked

up this strange lesbian dwarf at a roadside motel.

And she had like this suitcase.

Full of frog, you know.

Maybe I bought a couple, I can't remember.

And Joe was being quite weird. I mean, he's a great guy and all that.

But he had, like, this awful chronic gasoline habit at the time.

And by the time I reached Marrakesh, he was just busting for a gallon.

I mean, he was a total and utter wreck.

You're so jagged, Alan.

Go on.

And I was like... dying for a cigarette, but the man was a total fire hazard.

I mean, we'd been close for years, but when he started to, you know, glow

in the dark, I thought, uh -oh, it's time to split.

It's so damn crazy when you talk weird, Alan.

Yeah. Come on, everybody.

Let's go crazy ancient.

Well, that's very funny, isn't it, Brenda? Look, I've got a bloody big gun

hand and I'm not afraid to use it, you know.

Look, I'm probably going to die or end up a cripple or something so this is

last chance to say that you love me.

Shut up!

All right, that's it, Brenda.

Bang! Bang!

Bang! Oh, crikey, call the police, somebody.

Ding -a -ling -a -ling. Ding -a -ling -a -ling. Keep away, everybody.

Oh, God. Oh, the pain.

Oh, it's awful.

Look what you've done, Brenda.

You know... how i see like this kind of weird fellini business type you know

where you're kind of in love with your wife but you're screwing around because

you're so rich i may be corrupt i don't know i mean what exactly do you do for

alan as little as possible uh look just go crazy if you want to

you know uh take your clothes off anything

You'll catch on with this.

Will you get a sock?

At least there's no money in it.

This is real crime, isn't it? This is real justice.

I don't know why I feel so crazy, Alan.

It feels like I'm going through a stargate.

Maybe it's the diet pills.

Maybe it's Buddha.

Maybe it's that dress, Alan, how you've been wearing it for an hour.

I only want to be happy, Alan.

When I get home, do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to leave Simon.

Yes, I'm going to find myself a really wild jazz guitarist and shack up in a

ghetto. You know, sit around on the porch all day eating ice cream.

And we'd have, like, no money.

You know, be really poor.

But we wouldn't care.

Yes, yes, and then in the evenings we take in washing and sing Negro

You'll love Shepherd's Bush, Alan.

OK, so what, you're a successful businessman, right? I mean, you're in a

you've got a big deal to clinch. Maybe you're impotent, I don't know.

You hate your wife, OK?

My God, you really are a total menace, aren't you?

You see, the thing is, Dave, lead's very valuable because it's heavy.

You see, the heavier something is, the more valuable it is.

The only exception to this rule is concrete.

On the other hand, diamonds are quite expensive.

Why don't you love me?

Have you found somebody more interesting?

I just... I just don't understand.

Is it something I said?

What's your old man keeping here, Diz?

Ah, that's his gun cupboard.

Terrific.

I guess

you live for the moment, huh? I

am at the moment, yeah.

That's crazy. What are you doing?

Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

Look, I know this may sound really crass, Jeremy, but I like you.

You know, I like your style.

I like your naked aggression. I really like the way you don't sleep at night.

Well, people think it's easy to be a rebel.

Well, it bloody isn't.

People just write stupid plays about me.

God, it makes me so mad!

Hi. Come in, Charles.

I want to talk to you.

I really do want to talk to you, Charles.

Sure.

It's about Alan.

I think I love him.

Am I too square?

I mean, Kix is a sweet boy, but Alan?

Well, he's so famous.

I'd do anything for Alan.

It's just... It's just this leg business, Charles.

It's so confusing.

I mean, where does one get it done?

I think you're very attractive.

You're a very angry young man.

Well, I am pretty fair.

Jeremy. Hmm?

Are those cheese caps?

They call you an artist.

But they don't want to know.

In case you try to break their system.

You know, in case you try to tell the truth.

It's all just a stupid conspiracy.

They say, uh... Be a communist homosexual, Jeremy.

You know, uh... Things like that.

Just, uh... On and on.

You know, and... On this.

Until it's, um... You know, uh... I don't know, until, uh...

Until... Oh, what's the bloody point?

Do you want to kiss me, Jeremy?

Uh... Where?

You. You're pretty good at snogging.

Look, I know this is a bit sudden and everything.

Let's get engaged.

Because I think I love you.

Okay?

And there was Curly bleeding from the neck. So I thought, I know what I'll do.

I'll stick a tourniquet on.

When I come back, I couldn't believe it. His face had gone completely black and

his hair was sticking up on end.

It was amazing.

He looked just like Chuck Berry.

Yeah! Vitamin Bruce!

Crazy, man!

The funny thing was, there was this strange sort of, what's the word,

type smell.

A bit like a Malteser.

Yeah, this will make you laugh. Every time I eat a Malteser... You think of

Curly? Yeah.

Oh, my friend, tastes like diet pills.

What do I taste like, Kik?

Valium. Yeah.

I remember when Sidney died of sodomy in Singapore.

We had to bury him in the wardrobe.

Come on, Kix, let's do it.

I want to do it.

Charles!

We were staying at the Hilton Hotel, overlooking the Turkish bath.

I think it was room 401.

Just let me assume impossible, just for a few hours. That's all I'm asking,

Charles. Why must you always involve me, King?

Because I love you, man.

I love you too, King.

I want to do it to you.

What?

I want to do it to you.

I can't hear you, Desmond. You'll have to speak up.

I think... No, what did you say, Desmond?

I want to do it to you.

You want to do it to me.

You want to do what to me?

What do you mean you want to do it to me?

It.

It.

You want to do it to me.

Listen, everybody.

Desmond wants to do it to me.

Pretty free here, isn't it?

Well, I'm not paying.

Yes, it's really going well.

Everyone's having a pretty groovy time.

I don't suppose it's really your scene, is it?

I mean, you're pretty much the odd man out around here.

I don't know. Free scotch, no phone bill.

I find it quite relaxing, really.

I guess you're really into money and business and being straight, aren't you?

I mean...

I just don't know what you're doing here, you know?

Because we're all crazy poets.

Phew.

That was pretty amazing.

I never thought I could do it like that. You know, just like shaking hands.

So casual.

I haven't even met your parents.

So what do my parents have to do with it?

Okay.

Maybe I'm a square.

But I don't usually just do it with someone on a first date.

That really makes me feel good.

Would you like to see my poems?

This one I wrote ages ago.

Yes.

I don't know anything about you.

I don't know anything about drugs.

So, cheers.

Well, you know, where you were born, whether you like table tennis, you know,

how many O -levels you've got.

I don't even know if you want to ban the bomb.

It's not very good, but... Yes, it's embarrassing, isn't it?

Um, this one's about my first trauma.

My girlfriend had just come back from boarding school when her pony Bimbo

It's called Oh Crikey.

And I had a really crazy time at school.

I was laying all the teachers and getting into everything that was going.

The girls hated me. They were so jealous.

Ah, how's dinner going?

Dinner? That's a good idea. What do you fancy, death duck, pig, or what?

Look, I think maybe you've got the wrong idea about me, Eleanor. I mean,

I'm not a virgin, okay?

In fact, I've slept around quite a bit, actually.

Well, you've certainly got the wrong idea about me, Desmond.

I may be a very sensual woman, but I'm not a common nymphomaniac, okay?

Oh, come on, you must like me a bit.

You wouldn't be here otherwise.

Oh, my God, you're such a drip.

You really can't help yourself, can you?

What is it about me that makes men do this?

I don't think this... Sex thing is happening,

Desmond. Eleanor looks bored.

Is she?

Eleanor.

What?

When Desmond's doing that to you, does the earth move at all?

No, only the bed.

Maybe I can think of something.

Let's try it this way.

Forget about Desmond.

Great, go on.

You're in Cairo.

You're in the maternity ward at the Cairo General.

There's disease everywhere.

You know, typhoid, leprosy.

Malaria, dysentery, measles.

Now, look, Jack, I know you're in terrible pain, so I'll keep it short.

I've got your medical bill here.

Uh, look, Jack, do you really need all these drugs?

Yes, yes, I know you're dying, Jack. That's why I queried it.

Oh, wow.

That's absolutely damn crazy, Alan.

Of course.

He was much younger then, my dears. But I remember one time, Charles going to

bed with a koala bear.

A virgin, although he didn't know at the time.

She was a sweet little thing.

Do anything for a banana.

You've really gone and dented it?

Yeah, you've damaged it. I know.

I can start cars, but I can't seem to stop them.

Come on!

How old are you?

14.

Got any younger sisters?

Or pets?

Who's he?

That's Jeremy.

Fancy him, do you, eh? No, sir.

Here, Jeremy!

Don't do that!

Jeremy!

Jeremy!

Hello.

And who are you?

This is Judy and this is Tracy.

Oh.

They're so pretty, aren't they?

And clean.

I think girls of 13 are so sexy, don't you?

Oh, come on, Charles.

Give us a kiss, you old closet car.

My God, is it ten o 'clock already?

Come on, Charles.

Let's strip off like we did in the old days.

Show them that bonnie muscle.

I'll see you in the morning, Alan.

That's Charles.

He's an unbelievable shit.

I've always hated him.

Isn't he fantastic?

Modern Jack, everybody!

yours, Jeremy?

Not friends, really.

Just people I know.

They're really stupid, aren't they? And old.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

Not much of a party, is it?

the Wonderpants and Bloomingdale's or something. But they've got very nice

in there.

Yeah,

very classy, like, you know.

Because he doesn't like your taste.

Oh, he's balmy. He's so stupid.

He's not balmy. They were lovely. They were very classy stitching, you know,

with the stripes.

It was absurd.

I've never seen a stupid... You're going to buy pants, you buy a pant. You don't

buy...

Alan, Alan, look, I did it. I finally cut it off.

Where's the like?

At the hospital.

But it's the like we're interested in.