Original subtitles

Thank you.

Okay, right. We've just heard the Warsaw Pact countries invaded Surrey at dawn

this morning, so there may be a few delays on cross -channel ferries, okay?

Right, more news on that later.

Oh, cheer up, darling.

This bloody war has really pissed me off.

That's all behind us now.

I think we're going to love it down here, in the middle of nowhere.

Just the two of us.

No more friends?

No more pop music concerts?

No more Buggies or Fizz at the venue? Oh, don't be so silly, Hermaine.

We can learn to mix our own cocktails now.

Oh, I love you, Gondry.

You're so together.

Don't you worry, my darling.

Everything's going to be okay.

Look, there it is.

What do you think, darling?

Oh, God, I love it. It's just like you said.

It still needs work.

Oh, it's perfectly quaint.

Come on, let's eat the hamburgers.

We've got to find a way out of this wood.

Wood?

What? What do you mean, wood?

Woods, you know, trees and bushes.

Look, I know what a bloody wood is, don't I? I'm a commando.

Right, lads.

Tea's up. Oh, great.

Well, where's my cup?

It's there.

What's the matter? Are you blind or something?

Why do you have to keep saying that?

Look, don't argue, you two.

Shh! What was that?

Hey, Tommy, you seen anything?

No.

This tea tastes awful.

Hand me a can of beer, somebody.

Sure.

You are cooking.

What was that?

What? That big bump.

Maybe it was something in the cellar.

I'll go and have a look.

Shall I come with you?

No, no, no, Hermione.

I'll do this alone.

What? What?

Who's ready?

Get down, Trevor. That's a tone of voice you don't question.

Could we go over everything again?

My name is General Irwin. And I live at

222 Marine Drive, Washington.

Correct. And this is where I get lost.

The president has sent me from here.

Washington. Okay.

Across all this blue stuff to this yellow stuff.

Oh, that's Europe, General.

We better get this down.

You. Now, what about all the other guys?

What guys, General? Well, the guys that all dress the same.

The ones that came with us.

You mean the troops?

Yes, the troops.

Now, how do they fit into all of this?

They fight the enemy, General.

Do they know about this?

Well, they'll just do what you tell them. Oh.

Well, that's very sweet of them.

Of course, I normally have a carrot about this time.

Will that be all, General?

What do you think, Wally?

I think that's everything.

Hey, Wally, when do I get to use this?

Hey, you, come here.

Oh, hello.

My name's General Irwin, and I live at number two, Washington.

Where do you live?

Not far from here.

Can you spell communist?

See, I... Oh, okay, never mind.

Excuse me, General.

I'm looking for my wife.

She's gone missing.

Oh. You better see Wally.

He's maybe over there in the tent.

I don't really know about things like that.

Okay, boys and girls, place your bets. I'm going for the big one.

This is your big chance, sir, Chet.

Who are you, boy?

God, sorry.

This your first time in, Norm?

I beg your pardon?

You want to sit in?

Yeah, come on.

Well, I'm... Play in. Sit down.

Right.

You got any cigarettes?

Well, I've, um... I've got a pipe.

Okay.

Where are you from, kid?

Islington.

Ever seen a dead baby?

There's nothing to it.

There's a free space.

Hi, my name's Scooball.

Got a wife and kids?

Just a wife. Well, fiance.

Ever been to the States, Godfrey?

I've been to Chicago.

Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up!

I'm gonna kill him out of that fucking... Hey.

Steady, Screwball.

He's got a sister in Chicago.

Don't mind Screwball.

He's just a bit upset.

Anyone sitting here?

Okay, place your bets.

Hey, why don't we play another game, huh?

Let's play pass the parcel.

Okay.

Hey, Gapper.

Come over here. Have a look at this.

Now, what are all these squiggly things?

Oh, loads, loads of something. Roads?

Yeah, but what about these little black blobs?

What do they do?

Towns.

Towns? I think I'm getting the hang of this.

So what do you suppose this big green piece is? What does that do?

Go. Golf course. All right.

Golf course. That's what I wanted to hear. Get in. Drive out.

Let's go play some golf.

I know,

it's the same every day, love.

Rape and...

Pillage and looting. I don't know. But Mexicans?

I don't understand.

They're not Mexicans, darling. They're local. Nice boys, really.

A bit high -spirited, of course. They do watch a little bit too much television.

This is what happens when you take the piss with Miguel.

They think that Miguel is just a stupid person.

They say, ha, ha, ha, Miguel was flit -trodden.

They say, Miguel's got no TSEs.

Spit on your punk rock.

Carlos, give me the rocker.

That makes me feel...

And the middle class are all selling up and becoming refugees.

So trade isn't very good at the moment.

I would have gone myself, but I'm a bit stuck, you know, with the eight kids.

They all come down with this funny bone cancer you get. Both my parents are

crippled, so I am a bit stranded.

Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

Hello, Donald.

How's your mum doing?

My name's not Donald.

It's Miguel.

All right, darling, what can I do for you?

Pour a tea for four, you bitch.

He's a lad, isn't he?

My name is Miguel.

I killed communists with my teeth.

Is that why they're so yellow?

You like salsa?

It's okay.

You hear that?

It's the people's music.

Communists don't like salsa.

They only like to read the big books with no pictures.

I know these people.

They think they can walk in here with... No, excuse me, please, boys. Here's the

revolution, huh?

I'll speak with Miguel first.

What do you mean, Donald?

There's the bloody Russians.

What am I to do?

Quick, out the back way. Run like bloody fuck.

Good afternoon.

I hope we're not disturbing you.

Oh, no, love. Come right in.

Do you want tea?

How many are there of you?

About 15 ,000.

Is that all the sugar?

This is my neighbor's house.

He lives inside it.

You can't see him right now because he's being obscured by a wall.

We're approaching the target now, General, sir.

The men are ready to go.

Okay.

Goodbye.

This is my lawn here.

All the green stuff is grass.

Okay, men.

Now remember, you're the toughest, hardest, cruelest,

stupidest guys in the whole country.

Don't you forget her.

Let's go.

Hey, McBusty, where's your parachute?

Parachute? What the hell do you think I am, Balson?

Parachutes are for sissies.

We're not fighting fifth, Balson. We ain't playing kids games.

What can I do?

Change the channel.

You like cage?

What? Very nice.

We get that habitat.

Where am I, in fact, now?

You are in the canton of Mitsubishi, formerly Mutton King.

We're here to protect consumer of Japanese product.

You come with me, yes, please?

My name is Kiwi.

Hurry, Kiwi.

Old samurai joke, huh?

Where is famous British sense of humour now?

Answer! Tokyo.

Junkly, very big in Japan.

How about some food, you yellow bastard?

Food make you fat.

Very, very bad for spirit of work.

Japanese work 26 hour a day.

and live in cardboard box with mother -in -law.

She's so thin, when she cross water to feed chicken, her arse fall in river.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ah, old Japanese joke.

Time for ancient tea, so properly strong can stand spoon oven it.

Foul mullet.

Swinging.

You coming with us, Godfrey?

He'll can get a tunnel.

Too right, Digger. We just built ourselves a whole bloody subway system.

Look, we're linking up to the Northern Line here.

That's amazing.

You better see Jenkins and get yourself togged out. Come on.

Sir, this is Godfrey, sir. He wants to come with us.

Hello. Hello.

Listen, mate, when you're finished here, go and meet the captain, OK? I'll catch

you later.

Right, Godfrey, what would you like to be, a guard or a commuter?

A commuter.

Yes.

You look the young executive type to me. He probably lives in Morden, drives a

Volvo Estate.

Yes. Beats his wife at the weekend.

Yes. You know the sort?

Oh, yes.

Had a bit of trouble with this one, actually. Made it out of old Marmite

Looks very real.

Yeah, that's what we thought.

Thank you.

Next. Ah, Field Marshal.

How are we coming along with the Scottish football fan?

Right.

Hick. 2 -0, you bastard, Jimmy.

Splendid. White, a guard approaches you on the train and demands to see your

ticket. What's your reaction?

I say go back from where you came from, you black bastard.

Right, good.

Ready for work now?

Vote Labour!

Right, everybody.

Tickets ready?

Fine. Good luck, sir.

You too, Captain.

I think you all know what to do.

The only thing I can say now is good luck, and I'll meet you all in the

fast food bar in Piccadilly Circus.

And the milky shakes are on me.

Hurrah! Thank you, sir.

Right, open her up.

Hey, Captain, the nips are coming. Okay, quickly now.

Chop, chop.

Pacey, pacey.

So.

This is swinging London.

I massacred half of Europe.

I personally killed and seriously injured 24

people. Me too.

And for what?

Where is Elton John?

Where is the miniskirt?

There is on the buses.

When this lousy war is over, I want you to come back with me to the Soviet

Union. Oh, come on. Say yes.

Oh, but I'm so confused, Ivan.

People all have the wrong idea about my country.

It's a very happy place.

There is no poverty there, no vandalism, no masturbation, no drug taking.

So what do you do when the pubs close?

Is it really so hard for you to embrace world socialism, darling?

that communism is really super.

Super. So what's the problem?

You must understand, Ivan.

There is another man lodging in my heart.

Look on the bright side.

He is almost certainly dead.

Will I see you later?

Tonight? If you like.

I will meet you here.

I will go now.

I mustn't be late for my first day of work.

Yes.

We have a saying in my country.

The latecomer catches the bullet.

Night -night.

He looks like a potato.

Potato head at the party. The worst cheese at cremage ever was the bread

I just had all the dust.

Do you believe in God?

Yes. Do you want to be famous? No.

For God's sake, please.

Oh, God, please.

Hermione.

Oh, Hermione.

Hermione.