Original subtitles

Haven't you all?

Thanks, old stick. Well, it's great to see the girls again, isn't it, Dick? Oh,

rather. Well, you must all be famished after your journey, so I've made you a

stomach meal. Come on. Oh, who is it? I'm absolutely starving.

Me too.

I vote we all go for a cold swim first. I feel pretty hot and sticky off that

long train journey. Oh, yes, let's.

Come on, everybody, panic.

I say, June, that man looks foreign.

Yes, I expect his name's Gollywall. Yes, or Tarzan.

I think we'd better call the police just as soon as we get back to Cairn

Cottage.

Oh, I'm so happy. I just know these holes are going to be really perfect.

Mmm,

rhubarb tart. My favourite, with lashings of cream.

You've had four helpings already, Dick. Thanks, Anne.

You really are a proper little housewife. Not like George. She still

she's a boy. I think it's stupid being a girl.

I wish I was a boy.

Really, George?

It's about time you gave up thinking you're as good as a boy.

I mean, Anne is just a girl, but she doesn't mind, do you, Anne?

Well, I absolutely do mind, actually.

Steady on, you two. The halls have only just started.

You seem so grown up, Julian.

He's him, Sergeant.

Well, have you all enjoyed your supper?

Rather.

Right, then expect you're ready for an early bed.

Oh.

What was that mysterious phone call, Aunt Sunny?

That was your Uncle Quinton.

Yes, we haven't seen him yet. How strange.

Well, he is a famous scientist, you know, and he does a lot of top -secret

for the government.

Yes. I expect he's working on some new scientific discovery, isn't he?

Well, I didn't want to spoil your holiday, but I'm afraid, children, your

is being kidnapped again.

Oh, no!

Bad show!

Crikey! That must be a bit of a blow for you, Aunt Fanny.

Yes, twice in six months.

Yes. Yes, sir.

Still, I expect it'll all sort itself out.

Look here, Aunt Fanny, we were wondering. I mean, we don't want to be

trouble for you. Go on, say it, Jew.

It's just that our bikes happen to be in first -class order, so we thought we

could all go cycling for a few days.

I've looked at the map, and there's a rather interesting ruined castle in

we could look at.

Well, I'm always afraid that you're going to have another one of those hair

-raising adventures again. Oh, nothing like that'll happen this time, I

And anyway, Julian will always look after us, won't you, Jew?

Yes, well, you are rather mature, aren't you, Julian?

Well, that's settled, then.

All right, I agree.

Hooray!

It's a shame about Uncle Frenchy. I agree with you heartily, Dick.

Still, now we can go absolutely mad if we want to. Yes, because...

This is a jolly wizard lunch, Anne.

You really are going to make someone a great little wife one day.

Mmm, my favourite. Ham and turkey sandwiches, heaps of tomatoes, fresh

and lashings of ginger beer. This is just the kind of holiday I like.

meals and not too much adventure.

Ha! Well, don't speak too soon, old thing.

Your photo.

That's strange.

Why on earth would somebody want to feed Timmy? Yes, that was rather odd.

I think.

What a strange pair.

Yes. One's got a big nose and thick lips, and the other one's got mean,

little eyes.

And they're unshaven.

Just look at the way they're slouching. Oh, poo.

I hope they don't come anywhere near me. I feel as if I can smell them from

here. Shh.

I can hear them talking.

What about the sparklers, Punchy? Don't you worry about them. Oh, look at all

that. Well, now that you're out of jail, you'd better lie low.

Do you think they're escaped convicts? Yes.

Or traitors to our country.

We'd better call the police.

Look, Timmy's fallen over.

Oh, crikey.

He's been poisoned.

Never mind, George. We'll get another.

Come on, everybody. Let's find a telephone.

Well done.

Thanks to you, we've caught these two red -handed.

We're very glad to be of help, sir.

I must say, you seem very grown up.

I shouldn't be surprised if you join the police force someday.

Thank you, sir.

You little bastard!

I've just spent 15 years of my life behind bars!

I'm going to kill you when I get out!

Phew!

Well, now, let's all stop in the next village and celebrate with some ice

Rather! I feel exactly like an ice cream.

Ah, according to the map, there's a shop there that does some jolly decent ones.

This is grand.

Yes, I think we ought to pay a double price for these gorgeous ice creams. No,

no, young gent.

I wouldn't hear of taking your money, but it's right down nice I'll be bound.

I say, look at this, everybody.

Two more famous scientists kidnapped.

Yes, there's been a lot of strange comings and goings in this village.

Secrets and signs and threats.

Hello, Master Toby.

Give me some chocolate cake and some ginger beer, old woman.

You could say please.

I'm so filthy rich, I don't have to.

Here's a five -pound note.

Keep the change.

That's Toby Third.

His father's one of the richest men in the country.

Well, his son is certainly one of the rudest. Yes, I agree with you heartily,

George. Well, we must be going. Thank you. Yes. You really are a brick.

It's a pleasure.

Right down there she are.

Here, take these sandwiches and cakes with you.

Mmm, I say. Thank you very, very much.

Come on, Timmy.

Hello there.

My name's Toby Thurlow, you know.

Yes, we do know, actually.

I say, you four look as though you're having a pretty exciting time of it.

I think I'll come cycling with you for a bit. No, thanks.

We don't talk to other children. Look here, I own this village, so you'd

be nice to me. Look, just clear off or I'll call the police.

I didn't mean to be rude.

It's all because I'm an only child and I'm stinking rich and I've never had any

friends.

You all look so decent.

Please can I come with you? No, we don't want you.

Do we, Anne?

Well, I suppose he could stay with us for a short time, couldn't he?

What do you say, Dick?

Well!

If he promises to be good, then I suppose it wouldn't hurt.

All right, then. But you must do exactly as we tell you.

Oh, I promise. I'll do anything just to be friends with you.

This looks like a grand spot for a picnic.

Rather, I'm starving. Me too.

What's for tea, Anne?

Ham and turkey sandwiches, bags of lettuce, half -boiled eggs, heaps of

and lashings of ginger beer. Hurrah!

We're so greedy, aren't we?

You're pretty well developed for a ten -year -old.

I say, I think I've found a really first -rate spot to pitch our tents for the

night. It's right beside a lake in some woods.

Oh, wizard!

We can all go for a refreshing early morning dip.

After all, we're all used to cold baths every day.

Here, Potter.

Very strange.

Do you think somebody's got it in for Timmy?

Yes, that was rather odd.

I know who that was.

Who was that and how do you know who that was?

Come on, tell us everything at once.

We must know because there's something very peculiar going on. That's for sure.

His name's Dirty Dick. He was a bodyguard to my father and a right

One day he had a perfectly furious row with my father after he kicked one of

dogs down the well. This is all getting very mysterious.

I think we're nearly there.

Gosh, we seem to be miles from anywhere.

Seems so isolated.

I'm sure some pretty queer thing's gone around here.

Yes. Look over there.

There's a man parachuting into the field. So there is.

Look. Maybe it's a spy being dropped down into this desolate countryside.

Or perhaps a deserter from the Air Force. That's even more likely.

Come on, let's find out.

Look. There's someone here to meet him. It must have been prearranged. Are they

burying the parachute?

No, it looks as if they're digging something up.

Gosh, it looks like an atom bomb. So it does.

Good work, Jake.

Remember, don't spill the beans. You know what I mean.

Well, I've done the dirty one. How about me money?

You'll get the money, like I said. Just don't try and blackmail me, that's all.

Don't worry about that, Red. Top secret information's my game.

This is all getting stranger by the minute.

What can it all mean?

Bloat if I know, but they're up to some funny business, I'll be bound.

Come on, everybody, let's find the campsite before it gets dark.

Let's hope we don't come across any more queer happening tonight.

We've had quite enough for one day.

Well, I feel pretty hot and sticky after all that. Who's coming for a dip?

I will.

Look here.

Isn't it time you were home?

Oh, no thanks. I'm having too good a time here with all my new friends.

Well, I'm afraid there isn't very much room here for you. We've only got two

tents. Where are you going to sleep?

I want to sleep with Dick.

But Julian always sleeps with Dick.

Don't you, Jude?

Yes, it's time you scooted off now, Toby. You've had a long time with us.

suppose Dick doesn't have any say in the matter.

Now, look here.

We're the famous five, and that's how it's going to stay.

Besides, which you don't fit in. Maybe not with you, you dyke, but he wants me

to stay.

That's a lie!

Ask him.

Do you, Dick?

Well?

I... I don't know.

You thought you were going to get rid of me, didn't you? But I'm going to be

your friend for just a bit longer.

How could you be so feeble, Dick? You know perfectly well he's going to ruin

holes.

It's not my fault, George.

This whole situation's just getting too involved.

I like...

Look here. You've upset Dick now, you pesky little brat.

Can I do anything to help, Jew?

No, thanks, Anne.

You're a girl. I'd better handle this.

You really are extraordinarily grown up, Julian. I know.

What is it, Dick?

Nothing.

Look, don't let the girl see you like this.

I'm sorry, Jews.

I didn't mean to let you down back there. It's just growing up feelings and

relationships, that's all.

I understand.

I mean, what's so wrong with somebody wanting to be our friend anyway?

There's nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly wizard.

But what if everybody wanted to be our friend? Where would we be then, hmm?

I don't know.

Look, let's face it, Dick.

We don't even know if he goes to a good school.

Between you and me, he doesn't really look the adventure type.

Adventures? I bet that's all we ever have.

Always hearing secret conversations.

Digging that buried treasure.

Chasing people down tunnels. Why can't we do something else for a change?

Like what?

I don't know.

Just building model aeroplanes or... or country dancing.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Oh!

Come on, George. You and I'll get some food from that lonely farmhouse.

Shut up, you little crybaby. You jolly well deserve that.

Give him a bandage, Jan. Come on, George.

I'm sorry about all this, Toby.

I'm afraid it's all been a frightful mess.

Julian didn't mean to hurt you.

It's just that he takes our adventures very seriously.

He's awfully sensible and grown up.

You must admit he's got a wizard right hook. My dad's going to sue him.

Fuck up, Toby.

I think you're quite nice.

Come on.

Let's do something exciting underwater.

Lovely and refreshing, free of the power of good.

I think this is it.

Look, that calf got no motor tax. Maybe it belongs to an illegal immigrant.

I shouldn't be surprised.

What a strange, desolate place.

Yeah? Oh, good evening. We're the Famous Five, and we're camping down by the

lake, and we need some food.

We'd like some free -range eggs, your own home -baked bread, some of your own

cured bacon, and your own honey, and some tomatoes from your garden would do

splendidly. Oh, yeah?

What are you...

Wait a minute.

You must be Dirty Dick.

No, no. My name's not Dirty Dick. It's, uh, it's, uh, Dirty Douglas.

Look here, there's something very queer going on. What exactly are you doing in

there?

Oh, so you've tumbled our game, have you?

What's that?

What's that?

Are we done with dirty?

Sorry, Fingers. I'm afraid we're banked the rights this time.

Let's make a run for it, dirty.

You start the car while I grab the spare one. We can still get away with it.

It's no good, Fingers. These kids are far too clever for us.

We'll get 15 years each for this.

Oh, no.

Not another stretch in Clint.

I'm going to take the easy way out.

Dirk, what a horrid common voice he's got.

Oh, well, I suppose I'd better go down to the police station and get Nick then.

Oh,

do wipe your feet, Dick. I've only just dusted them.

Oh, word, Anne, you really are a proper little housewife.

It must be awful being a girl and having to do all the work.

Well, yes, it would be nice to do some of the more exciting things that you

do. Still, I don't mind being dominated.

At least I'm quiet and pretty, not like poor George.

Yes, that's true.

I say, is supper ready yet? I'm starving.

It will be in a minute, as soon as the others get here.

Oh, here they are.

Hurrah!

Sorry we're late, you two. We had a spot of trouble. But we've managed to rustle

up a hamper from the constable's wife. Yes, she was a sweet old thing. She gave

us some cold ham and turkey, heaps of tomatoes, hard -boiled eggs, bags of

lettuce and lashings of ginger beer.

Oh, withered.

I say, where's young Toby got to? He's been kidnapped.

Typical. Serves him right for being nouveau riche. Yes, and Jewish.

Come on, let's tuck in.

You shouldn't let him do that, George. It's not hygienic.

But we like it, don't we, Timmy?

Come on, girls, leave Timmy alone.

Lights out, everybody.

Night -night.

Night -night. Night -night, Julian and Dick. Night -night, George and Dan.

Right.

Let's run through our evil plan once more, Mr. Knuckles.

What do you want, Mr. Lennon?

Wake up, Jew.

I can hear voices.

I can't hear anything.

Notice again.

Blah, blah, blah.

Stolen planes.

Blah, blah, blah.

Missing scientists. Blah, blah, blah.

Shh. Blah, blah, blah.

Atom bomb.

Blah, blah, blah. Third World War.

Blah, blah, blah.

Shh.

Blah, blah, blah, kneecap hill.

Blah, blah, blah, top secret.

Blah, blah, blah, kidnapped boy.

Blah, blah, blah, everything ties up. Blah, blah, blah. Shh.

Missing scientists, kneecap hill.

Do me a favour.

Big secret.

What do you think it all means?

I'm not sure, Dick, but it all sounds very queer.

Maybe it's some sort of clue.

My word, you're right.

Come on, let's get some sleep now. I'm much too tired to solve this mystery

tonight. Me too.

Well, I can't see Kneecap Hill marked anywhere on this map.

Are you sure that's what they said, Dick?

Of course I'm sure. Do you think I'm barmy or something? Steady on, you two.

Wait a minute, everybody. Look at this. What is it, Anne? Well, it's only a

hunch. Well, go on, go on. Look, there's a village here, Crutchley, and along

here there's Thigh Woods.

Well, what about it? Well, down here there's a village called Ankle -on -the

-Water, so maybe this hill here in the middle is Kneecap Hill.

Gosh, you're right, Anne.

Good show.

That's pretty smart for a girl.

Float. Come on, everybody.

Let's make our way to Kneecap Hill as quick as ever we can. Come on, Timmy.

Excuse me, Mr.

Gypsy. Can you tell us the way to Kneecap Hill?

You folks don't want to go up there, do you?

Why is that?

It's just there's been a lot of strange comings and goings from the old ruin,

that's all.

An old ruin?

How exciting!

Oh, yes. No telephone, no electricity, no gas, no water laid on.

Just...

and signs and threats.

Oh, I think I'm a bit frightened already.

You'll be all right, young missy, with your short skirt and your tight sweater.

You know, you remind me of my naughty granddaughter.

Right, off we go.

What a horrible old gypsy. Yes, it does smell rather of wash.

Sneak uphill.

How on earth are we going to get in?

We'll never be able to climb over that high wall.

Perhaps there's a secret way in.

There always has been in our previous adventure.

Yes, and I expect there shall be no exception.

Come on, come on.

Everybody hide in there.

Blah, blah, Rio.

Blah, blah, De Niro. Blah, blah.

Shh.

Blah, blah, submarine.

Blah, blah, Levy Air.

Blah, blah.

That's the same two men from last night. Yes.

They must have come out of a secret entrance in the wall down there.

I'm betting we discover it any second now.

I think I found it. Hurrah!

I say, George, you're pretty spunky for a girl.

Oh, thanks, Dick.

Oh, blow, it won't open.

Well, perhaps the secret mechanism that opens it.

Of course.

How silly of us not to have thought of that.

I say, Dick, try bending that branch over there three times.

Can't be much further to go.

Look! A ladder.

Hurrah!

I wouldn't be surprised if that ladder leads up to a cupboard with a hidden

beyond, full of government secrets and strange machinery.

Gosh!

I think you're right, George.

This must be their headquarters.

I wonder where this leads to.

I think we must be right inside the castle.

Yes. And it's still warm.

It must have been left here by some enemy of bureaucracy, never expecting us

find it. You're quite right.

We never thought you'd stumble upon our den of vice.

Well, if it ain't them nosy kids.

Blah, blah, blah.

Yes, we are very nosy indeed.

And a good job, too, by the look of things.

It looks just like them cheap farm things, but don't give away, Mr Lennon.

blah, blah.

Look here.

Who's in charge of you ruffians? I demand we be taken to him at once.

Don't worry, you'll meet the boss soon enough, and then you won't be so cocky,

young gent. Right, Mr. Knuckles, I'll go first, you follow behind, and if they

give any trouble, boot them.

Rightio, Mr. Leddy. Blah, blah, blah.

You haven't been doped or tortured?

I've been so worried about you. Quiet, everybody.

Listen, Toby, we haven't got much time, so tell us quickly all that's been

happening since you mysteriously disappeared.

My word.

You look as though you've had a pretty terrifying experience, old thing.

Well, it was a bit hair -raising at first, that's for sure, but now I quite

enjoy it.

What the blazes do you mean by that, Toby?

Yes, smell the beans at once, because there's something very unnatural going

here, and that's for sure.

I think I can explain everything, children.

Uncle Quentin!

Shall I wait outside, boss?

If you'll be so kind, Mr. Lennon. Thank you.

Do sit down, children.

What's going on, Uncle Quentin? Yes, we thought you'd been kidnapped.

That was all part of my plan.

What exactly do you mean, Uncle?

Now that you dreadful children have found out my little secret, I suppose I

as well spill the beans.

You mean the kidnap was all a hoax?

Whatever for?

For many years now, your aunt Fanny and I have not had a proper marital

relationship.

She's an unrelenting nymphomaniac.

And I'm a screaming homosexual.

It seemed pointless trying to explain it to you, you little prigs.

So we concocted this story to save your aunt from any further embarrassment.

Anyhow, it's too late now. Toby and I are fleeing the country tonight in a

fishing boat.

But what about the stolen bomb and Dirty Dick and the two famous scientists and

the poisoned meat?

That was all just a ruse to put you off the scent. They were all third -rate

movie actors employed by me.

Well, you're wrong about one thing, Uncle Quentin. There is something we can

still do, and that's call the police.

Homosexuality is still against the law in this country, as well you know it.

Oh, dear.

I thought even you, Julian, might find a morsel of sympathy for your poor old

uncle.

For old time's sake.

It's no good, Uncle Quentin.

You're a queer, and that's the end of it.

the spy.

We've had our eye on these two for quite some time now, and thanks to you, we've

caught on red -handed. Well done, Timmy.

It'll be a long time before they see the light of day again.

It's youngsters like you we need in this country.

I'm proud to have met you.

venture and a half. Who would have thought that of Uncle Quentin?

I'm glad he's been safely locked up. I never liked him one bit anyway.

Well, I think after all that excitement, we deserve a slap -up meal, don't you?

Rather, I'm starving.

What a superb idea.

Cold ham, turkey, heaps of tomatoes, bags of lettuce, hard -boiled eggs and

lashings of ginger beer.

Hurrah!