Original subtitles

Remember me?

Tim Goodman.

Backleather. The Swindon Backleather.

I thought you'd been outlawed. No, it's legal. Till April.

I didn't know we were going club class. My ticket just says economy.

I got an upgrade.

You know, bigger seats, complimentary nibbles. I find it smooth to ride ahead.

Thanks, love.

See you in the lounge.

Yes.

I want an upgrade as well.

Bob, it's not possible. I'm on a railway train at the moment.

What?

He's drowned.

Well, he's dead.

When was this?

Yesterday.

So how does that affect us with the Portland deal?

Or 5 % extra?

Each. That's a result. I mean, sympathy and all that, but, you know, yes,

please. Why have you stopped? As far as I go.

I'm disabled, I told you. Drive through. Drive through.

Sorry, sir, if you'd like to wait there, they'll get you a nurse and a

wheelchair. Right. Right. Thank you.

A job is a hand of cards, boy, and you're losing the game.

Wake up!

I'm a bit of a gangsta, I guess. Other way, other way.

Sorry.

What can I say?

Like the camera, don't like the price.

There are cheaper ones available.

Hey, look at me. Want this one.

Can I just give you a bit of advice?

I'm Tony Grace Masters, single project resource manager.

Can I just say what you did wrong there? Never turn your back on a prospect.

And never, ever lose eye contact.

Look at me. Well, how many MRs do I need to get an upgrade, then? A thousand

MRs, sir.

Yeah, but that's what I've got.

Now, I'm very sorry, sir, but you're just under absolute...

998. What, two MRs and I don't get an

upgrade? See, speaking as a pro, what I really hate is sloppy sales technique,

and I... Excuse me, is there a problem, Andrea?

I really don't know, Mr. Smith.

Are you going to buy that camera or not? See? Good eye contact. Yes or no?

Uh, yeah. Well, so if I now, in the next 20 minutes, just go and get myself two

AMRs on my car, then you'll give me an upgrade, isn't it? Well, you would then

be eligible for an upgrade, yes.

Don't go away.

I've got all these ties.

The only one I haven't got, and it's the only one I want, is a sideshow bob tie.

I'm sorry, sir, they've been discontinued.

Well, that's not what I've heard.

Well, why don't you try South Park, sir?

These are the fun, really hip ties at the moment. Look, I wasn't going to

on South Park until I got the Simpsons set, but now I suppose I bloody will

to, won't I?

All right, give me the cheesy puffs. You want the cheesy puffs? Okay, sir. Thank

you. Got any socks?

No, we don't do socks, sir.

Hey, Tony, isn't it?

Ian Crisp, margins analysis.

Used to be called systems.

I remember when it used to be called package and loading.

Yeah, very funny, Tony.

Hey, not another South Park tie everyone's wearing, though.

Well, you're not, are you? That's because I've got the socks and the

No, no, they don't do the socks.

Not here. Florida they do, and they're cheaper, but not as cheap as Hamburg.

Hey, guys, coming to the club lounge?

No, you try and stop me.

Hey, Crispy, nice tie.

How many airmores do I get for that?

Do you want premier points or sovereign? No, no, just air miles. How many do I

get? Well, it's one point if that helps you.

Don't ring it up.

Which cream white for an oil? How many now?

One and a half.

Shit! That was the lounge back there, wasn't it? Just by Smith's. Oh, that's

blue lounge business class.

Oh, you're not still blue, are you?

Yeah, why? What are you?

Gold, of course.

Right.

Hello, Angela.

Hello, sir.

Look, I've got a couple of guests here. Would it be all right if they topped in

for a sandwich?

I'm sorry, sir. This lounge is only for gold card holders.

Oh, you cannot be serious.

You mean my friends here have got to go all the way back to the ordinary

business lounge? I'm sorry, sir. That's the rule.

What a bastard.

I was offered all that gold elitist I'm better than you are kind of crap, but I

turned it down.

I mean...

Who wants to be cocooned in one of those special lounges? I mean, that's not

real life, is it?

Oh, no, real people. That's what you get in bog -standard club.

Real people.

And what are we talking about here? We're talking about almonds versus

and Chardonnay versus Cote d 'Aron. Yeah, I mean, it's a false world, isn't

I mean, what have I got to say to the Kate Mosses of this world? Like, hello,

love, nice tit, etc.

I mean, that's not going to ship many units, is it?

I don't think she has any tits.

Get me an outbreak, quickly.

I'm sorry, sir. Club is full.

Champagne, sir.

Oh, very nice, too.

Oh, which is the drier of the two chaffins?

Oh. First -class service? First -class legs, knees, hands, my cello. Look,

this is a very valuable... How would you like your champagne?

Oh, er, fizzy. Excuse me, sir.

Mr Goodman, this is first -class.

You're this way.

Hello,

hello, hello.

Can I have a drink, please?

We'll be serving drinks after table, sir.

Excuse me, but we have paid the extra. I think we're entitled to a little bit of

service. Not here, Mr Goodman. You're at the back of the plane.

Excuse me.

Yes, hello. Me again.

I don't seem to have a complimentary face spray in my bag.

You want some face spray, sir?

No. I would like a new complimentary toilet bag.

I'll get it for you right away, sir. I think you better had.

You tell him. You've got to fight your corner, haven't you? Hey, say hello,

Hello, Ian.

I always say that. Come on.

Say hello, Ian and Tony.

Hello, Ian and Tony. Hello.

Attention, these fingers, Mr Sellers.

Yes. These are very hard, aren't they?

Congratulations on winning your gold card there.

Hi.

Yes?

Would you like my nut?

I don't like almond.

No, thank you.

I did see you on the cover of Loaded, didn't I?

Would you let someone do that to you?

I don't like porn. I find it quite disgusting to watch.

It's nothing. You should see some of the stuff I've downloaded.

Well, I don't want to. I just want to read me John Gresham book in peace.

you. Go for it.

Oh,

I don't believe it.

Look here, look.

When do I get a drink? Shouldn't be long, sir.

I'm having to restart the truck. We're finishing. No more drinks.

We are the Acorn Boys. Always going, always going. We are the Acorn Boys.

to the top. Have you just made that up? No, that's the new TV ad. Have you not

seen it? Yeah, it cost quite a hundred grand.

Sam, what are you doing in club?

You just escaped from the cattle pen.

Just came to borrow a biro.

Transcendental.

What do you think of Brian's restructuring mergers? Well, the big

what do we expect to get out of the rear end?

Well, if Brian's arse is on the line, it's going to be shit. Either way, it's

going to be a bloody nightmare.

That's funny what you just said.

Shit out of Brian's rear end.

Why, have you seen the figures?

No, no, I'm just surprised you're not all laughing, you know.

How many Brandys have you had?

No, I'm just saying, you know.

It's funny, you know, what you were saying. All you get out the rear end is

shit.

Don't you get it?

It won't be a minute. I'm just getting some blankets.

I'm just going for a dump.

All he's going to get out of his end is shit.

You don't think Tim's acting as John's fireman, do you? No, no. Brian trusts

He knows we don't talk, bollocks.

Hi, good morning.

I trust you had a good sleep after your long flight.

In a moment, we'll be taking you through the itinerary which we prepared for you

earlier.

Did you hear about this bloody coach trip?

No. It's on the itinerary.

Fifteen hours in a coach with no air conditioning across the burning hot

Oh, don't be so silly. They don't treat people like me like that. My bedroom.

The site for the feasibility conference isn't here, you know. It's 300 miles

away. If you'd like to gather your bags, the coach will be ready to leave in 20

minutes. I'm not going on that coach.

Well, you'll have to, otherwise you won't get accredited. I don't care.

I'll get ill. Hey, hey, hey, hey, look.

Why don't we just charter a plane?

That's what I always do. Hey, that's what I do.

What, our own plane?

That'd be stupid. For sure, for sure.

I mean, it's only going to cost us, what, $40 a piece?

Yeah. $40? Even you can afford that, Ben.

$40?

Okay, gentlemen.

Chalk the way.

And there she is, a lovely little Cessna guy.

Those magnum boys will be sorry.

Stuck in that coat.

Yeah, fantastic.

Hey, just think, a couple of hours we'll be sitting by the pool with a beer

while those wankers fry in the desert.

All right.

Yeah, like it.

Now we were told it was $40 each.

Not for the plane. Nobody said it was extra for the plane. No, no, no. My

is $200 per hour.

That's what it costs. Okay, okay, look.

What? We're talking about two hours each way, plus $160, that's $1 ,000.

I personally... Wait, wait. I personally could fly to New York for that. Hey, my

friend, you can fly anywhere you like, but my charge... Why don't we just rent

the plane and find our own cheaper pilot?

Ah, good idea. Nice thinking.

The plane is ready.

Can you fly?

Huh? Are you a pilot?

Can you fly?

Can you fly?

Does he fly?

Fly.

Fly.

Fly.

We pay you to fly us $50.

Okay, $50.

Right, let's go.

There you go.

Fair fashion cash deal.

Still working on the eve of the third millennium.

Get yourself a job, boy.

Go on, Ian, say something funny.

How can you drink that sickly stuff?

Water's much better for you in that heat.

Hey, look at the workmanship on that.

Here we are.

Hotel, hotel details.

Hotel, theater.

It's a bit colder, isn't it?

Okay. Hey, let's go.

We are happening.

Whoa, way to go.

Buzz the coach.

Fresh throughout where the reception is. Me first.

We are the Acorn Boys.

Always growing, always going. We are the Acorn Boys. Going to the top. Ding!

Meets all your financial requirements.

Boom!

Easily the best ad on the telly. Yeah.

Nice flying this low. You really get a chance to say things.

What are the land prices like round here?

They're dead cheap, aren't they?

Could we really be this low?

We must be coming into land.

No, no, no, that can't be right. We've only been going for an hour.

Ask him.

We're not coming into land, are we?

Like the moon down there.

I don't see any airport or anything.

Where's the town?

We should have taken the coach.

Oh, yeah, and why is that?

Because he's dead.

Oh, you think we should have taken the coach?

Yes, I do.

Why is that, I wonder? I just told you, because the pilot's dead.

Oh, shut the fuck up, Tim.

We know he's dead.

Well, you didn't say that.

Oh, okay, classic.

You didn't say, we know he's dead. I was just saying, shut up. Shut up!

We don't know how bad this really is. Now, he landed us here.

For all we know, the hotel could be just over that hill.

Oh, God.

We're going to die.

Wow, that's a cracking view, isn't it?

So where's this bloody hotel?

All I can see is mountains.

You all stand a bit closer together. I can just about get the top of that

mountain in there.

Look,

we've got to keep calm, yeah?

In all the disaster books I've ever read, it says, stay by the wreck, don't

wander from the track.

Otherwise, you're done for.

Oh.

So you think we should just sit down in this baking heat until we're all

completely barbecued? Look, in half an hour, they'll know we're missing.

They'll send up a spotter plane and then they'll come and get us.

Oh, yes.

Good thinking, Ian. Thank you very much.

Oh, this sand's making my eyes water.

No, you cried like a baby.

Shut up.

Because you're a coward, Alan.

Right, that's it. You're staying in back leasing.

Go on then, say something funny Tony.

Tense, I think I've busted my leg.

It's good this camera isn't it.

I think we should cover him up.

That's not interfering with the body, is it?

No, leave it.

Rescue crew will know what to do. Leave it to them.

I'm going to put my jacket over his face at least.

What if they don't come?

What do we do then?

Well, it's adapt or die, isn't it?

My brother's friend was in the SAS, actually.

Told me quite a lot of stuff about being in the desert.

What did he say?

He said he got bullied a lot.

Sounds like we're fucked, then.

Oh, God, I'm thirsty.

What have we got to drink, then?

We've got one bottle of Fanta between us.

What? Is this all there is? No, we haven't. The Fanta's mine. You drank all

yours, remember?

You didn't like my sickly drink.

Hey, different situation now, Tim.

We've got to share it sparingly.

No! It's mine.

It's your bottle, mate, but we are in this together. No!

Give me that bottle, you bastard.

No! Hey, Tim, we're going to share that bottle.

No, we're not.

Stop it!

Stop that bastard! Everyone, this is for sharing!

Get out!

I'm not out!

Thank you.

Right back!

Back! Back!

Right. Now we take one sip each, that's all.

Hey, guys, help me up, somebody.

Don't waste any on him, he's nearly dead anyway.

Oh, you're nice, you are. Shut up!

Well, we're going to light it with.

Yeah.

That's Ian's book.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I don't really see any other option.

That's the last chapter.

They were really upsetting, that one.

Hey, Nickleburn!

Alan's found some wood!

Good call.

Let's think back on those management training courses we went on in

Let's think back to what we learnt on those.

How to fire a paint gun and fiddle your expenses.

I went to the pub with the instructors.

Sorry, mate, I'm going to have to have my jacket back.

Hello,

hello. We are stuck in a desert. Can you help us? Over.

We're just wasting our time here. You can't fly a plane.

I've been in a flight simulator at Alton Towers. Anyway, I'm not going to fly

it, am I? I'm going to drive it.

It's just like a three -wheel car with wings.

Can I suggest you just try turning the key in the ignition?

Yes, all right.

All right, stand clear!

Bye -bye, then.

Happening, man. Yeah.

Solid, solid.

That's a good idea.

So what do we do now?

Go left.

Okay. No, we should go right.

Why? Because the mountains look smaller. It looks like you'll flatten out.

That's science, isn't it?

They all look the same to me.

Well, clearly, someone has to make a decision. Left or right.

Well, yeah, but I mean, personally speaking, I've never been on a decision

-making course. No, nor me.

Well, what about you? Well, I did, but it wasn't my idea. I mean, Brian made me

do it, so I don't think I really care. I haven't either.

So?

The bottom line is, none of us is qualified to actually make a decision.

Should have taken the coach.

All right.

How many lefts and how many rights have we got?

I say right. And I say left.

And I say right.

And I say left.

Well, you're the driver, Kim. You just drive.

I don't want to take the blame.

Look, it doesn't really matter which way we go. If we all close our eyes, none

of us will ever know which way we went.

I will.

I'll just fucking drive.

Just drive.

Just drive.

All right.

Close your eyes.

Should have gone right. Keep going, lad.

How do you know that if you're right to close it? Because I can feel it, by the

way. The sun's moving on my face. That's all right. No, no, you're both

cheating. Has he gone left or right? Look, just close your eyes, will you?

of us but know what's going on.

Woo -hoo!

Flat desert!

It doesn't have a reverse gear.

Well, can't you spin the propeller backwards? It doesn't have any gears,

right? I knew we should have turned right.

Oh, Jesus.

Well, we'll just have to push it then, won't we?

Alan! Alan!

Yeah? We'll have to push it. Oh, great.

Come on.

Right, on the count of four.

Yeah? One, two, three, four.

Push!

Push! Oh,

God, I need water.

Oh, God, I've got to have some water.

I saw this film once where they drank each other's piss.

Did that work?

I don't know. I went out for a drink.

Nice cool pint of lager it was.

In fact, it's a couple of... Oh, shut up, Tim!

Look, the only way out of this is to keep moving. Have a look in the toolbox.

See if there's a crowbar or a tyre lever or something.

What's the correct way to drink this?

I don't know. I suppose you could cut a load of sand in your hands and then fish

into that and then, like, suck the piss out of the sand.

I suppose that's what you'd have to do.

I just can't stand any more of this thought about drinking piss.

You bastard!

Oi! Where'd you get that?

You bastard! Oh, God, I need a bath.

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!

Chicken! Chicken!

Use on news broadcasts and live rescue shows.

We're all feeling pretty suicidal.

Things aren't looking too good at the moment.

Surely to God there has to be a road or a track.

I'm okay because I found some water, which I drank most of.

I do feel a bit bad about that because I should have shared it with them, and I

didn't.

In my defence, I think they would have done the same thing. I know for a fact

that Ian's got some mint he's not telling us about.

Well, his breath smells pretty minty.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

That's got to be a wind -up.

Bastards from Maxifleet! They're doing that to taunt us! No.

We've been going around in circles.

There's no God.

No justice.

And no petrol.

We just run out.

The four of us are near the end and there doesn't seem to be any way out.

What happened was, I won't mention any names, but it was Tim. It was all Alan's

fault. It was his idea to take the plane and now we're all going to bloody die

for it. We never made it to the feasibility conference.

That's the way it is.

God bless middle management everywhere.

I'd just like to say, before I die,

I've got a little confession to make, that on the 12th of July, 1988,

I had a bit of a traffic altercation in a labour I just had a time

with on the A5, and I killed three people by

accident.

Ran them over.

They were over Stirling, actually.

Anyway...

The body's in a new forest and I can't do my courage.

Oh, let's just get it over with.

Let's just kill ourselves.

What do you say?

You ready to die?

Oh, I'm ready, all right.

Oh, God!

What did you do that for?

You said let's kill each other. I thought I'd start with you first.

There must be another way to die apart from stoning.

Cannibalism, that's been discussed.

In the event, we decided that we'd eat Alan first.

The result of the eating people vote is not yet known. It's a democratic way of

voting, so none of us know what it is. But I think it's going to be a bit of a

surprise for someone.

I know.

Let's all strangle each other in like a mad strangle.

Come on.

Everybody grab the neck of the person next to you. Okay.

Alan, Alan, you can't all strangle me.

All right, all right.

Tony, you strangle Ian. I'll strangle you. Okay. Oh, now, hang on, hang on.

That means Alan gets to strangle me. I'm not having that.

Look, let's just say we strangle to the left.

All right? Okay.

Hang on, what happens if I go blue before he does? Well, then that's your

luck, isn't it? For God's sake, don't drag it out! I'm not going to. In fact,

can't wait.

Oh, let's just get on with it!

Yeah. On the count of three.

Ready?

One.

Wait for it!

Two.

Three.