Original subtitles

What's the front page tell you? It's a military story, I think.

Military story?

What? Am I writing this in paper or am I a new witness, you morons?

Army wives in knickers scare!

Are these knickers radioactive?

Yes? Then on four and five we'll do the whole f***ing thing. Twenty things you

need to know about army wives' knickers.

How long was he in the Canal for?

Several minutes, I think. The man who found him is over there.

Nuclear mix, bad for sex life.

Oh, and in a separate box, secret sex of FAS.

Who bears wind?

Oh, somebody got out of their beds this morning.

Janet, haven't you got a shorter skirt you could wear?

Oi, come on!

I want an army angle on this. Have we got a colonel we can quote?

That retired one in Dorset we used.

Take him up, get the shop on nine o 'clock.

Adrenaline, five milligrams.

I'm ready. Blood pressure? 90 over 50.

Out of the way, I can't see the monitor.

Hey,

let's see him in there.

Where's my boy?

Where's my boy?

Just calm down. You can't see him now.

Excuse me.

But aren't you Roy Bruce, the footballer?

Yeah, I was just out in the training room and I saw him in the canal.

Oh. Lucky you were there.

Oh, Doctor, is he going to be all right?

I've no idea, but at least he's got a chance.

Thanks to this man.

Oh, you're Roy Brush, the footballer. You're his idol.

Oh, thank you. It's no big deal. I was just out running. I just fished him out.

It was no big deal. You know, I did what anybody would have done, really.

Kim, then.

Alvin, what about my new stories?

What about them? I don't fucking want them.

Why don't you send them to the Independent?

You'd better still take them around yourself and f***ing style it.

Hold the f***ing punch!

Who's Roy Brash?

Only the best footballer in the country.

Well, he's the national hero now.

Well, it's a packed stadium this afternoon for the 1992 European Credit

final and Roy Brush's last game for Northern. With me to discuss the game is

Jimmy Twizzle.

Jimmy, are the Germans going to be hard on Roy?

Well, I'm sorry, Jimmy, I'm going to have to interrupt you there.

Northern are 2 -0 down. Is Roy Brush's last game for Northern going to end in

disappointment? Jimmy, he's a good player.

It's a big occasion.

It's a big, long, dark tunnel that he's got to come out of there.

As we all know, that boy, he's saved from drowning in the River Trent, which

a very long river, a very fast river. That boy's still in a coma. I don't know

how much effect that will have on Roy Brush. We've yet to see. Really, haven't

we? But surely, if I was his manager, I certainly know what I'd do.

Well,

I can't believe this. It's a very, very selfish gesture there on behalf of Roy

Brasher. A senseless gesture almost. Injured as he is, he's going to take the

free kick and this could cost Northern dear.

the brush now. Roy, we've been told that the boy you say from drowning has come

out of a coma. How do you feel? Oh, fantastic.

He's crying.

Right, I want 20 things you didn't know about tear ducts.

Headline, great Englishmen who have cried. I didn't know Englishmen did.

Well, they do now.

Janet, come here, puss. I want a big competition.

Tell us your greatest crying story and you win...

A box set of Roybrush handkerchiefs. You see that?

Eh? Eh? That is what I call brains.

Come on. Yeah? I want this Roybrush signed up in an exclusive deal.

Here you are, Roy.

Find your favourite shirt.

Thanks, Mum.

Yep.

Uh, hold on.

Leslie, please.

Listen, I've written everything in a letter. You should get it tomorrow

by which time I'll be in London.

Roy, you can't hear.

Yeah, I'm on my way, Mum.

Please, please, Leslie, don't call me. It's much better this way.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Well, here we are outside this great North London club, and what a day of

expectancy as we await the arrival of the exciting...

Three seasons training, and for many, that means kicking a football.

Well, I'm obviously thrilled to have a player of Roy's calibre in my team. He's

inventive, he's creative.

And expensive.

He's worth every penny.

We'll see.

I'd just like to say how pleased we all are to have Roy with us on the team.

And I know you've got a great future with us, Roy.

Gentlemen, raise your glasses.

Roy Brush.

Roy Brush.

Well, I'd just like to say it's every player's dream to play for a big club.

and they don't come any bigger than this one.

Well,

what more can I say, except I'm really looking forward to meeting that team.

there's no time like the present, Roy.

Dickie Webley, TLC.

TLC? Total Dock Coordinator.

Pleased to meet you, Dickie.

Tommy Notes, TV and radio.

Pleased to meet you, Tommy.

Billy Marsh, investments.

Right there, Billy. And this is Nobby Steed, divorce settlements.

And this is Trevor.

Trevor Moulton, club songwriter. He's written some beauty. Pleased to meet

Roy. Have you ever heard of Dave Berry?

Ah, didn't he sing for Glasgow Rangers?

No, Becker.

He did a song called The Crying Game. You could cover it. A nice summer hit.

Right, now, Dickie will take you down to Fallon and fix up your hair.

Then at two o 'clock, I'm going to take you down to Leisure Warehouse.

Hi, everybody. This is Roy Bruss.

Hello, I'm Bob.

Barbie, nice to meet you, Roy.

What star sign are you?

Uh, Virgo.

Oh, another Virgo.

So what are we going to do with this then, eh?

Uh, just a trim, please, love.

A trim?

Barbie, I think it should be something like this.

Come and meet the player.

Nice to meet you, Roy.

Listen, tell him, if I'm not getting a free Mercedes, I'm just not doing it,

right? Always been a big fan of yours, brother. Yeah, cheers, Roy.

Great to have you on board, Roy. Always admired your play.

Stamina training, weights and circuits.

Team...

As team manager, all I care about is when am I going to get Roy Brush out on

that field?

Look at the finances, Paul.

We have to make a living.

I mean, what is this club?

Playing football, isn't it?

I want to go through some set moves.

Chris, how are you settling in? Is everything going well?

Maybe later.

Give me a ring, eh? My number's in the book.

Good, good, good, good, good, good. Now, let's have a look at you.

Now you look like a footballer. You look a million dollars.

Which reminds me, how would you like to make a million dollars?

Yeah, I'd love to. Of course you would. Of course you would.

Now, let me introduce you to Kevin Strong.

How you doing, Roy?

Roy, time is money. We've got to make a move.

Great. Are we going to play?

You bet.

Good luck with the single, Roy.

This is Roy Boston. Good luck, everybody.

And let's have a great time together.

We don't want more... Yes, great, Roy. Let's do the B -side now.

What's that?

Tears for Souvenirs.

Same music, different words.

We're spinning Come On You Blues.

Off you go.

Now for this week's highest new entry, going straight into number 10, Britain's

newest and fastest heartthrob on two legs, the one and only Roy Brudge.

I know all there is to know about the crying game.

I've had my share of the crying game.

Thank you.

Why there are heartaches?

And why there are tears?

And what to do to stop feeling blue when love disappears?

Well,

Roy, it's amazing the stuff you're doing now. You're promoting your soap, you're

promoting the shampoo, we've got the void brush bonsai trees.

Do you get any chance to play football now at all, Roy? You're right.

I'm busy.

Is he doing too much off the field, and is it affecting what he is doing on the

field? Well, I certainly know what I'd do if I was his manager.

I just wish he'd kick it.

Complete brush, three take 13.

Okay, bring in the breakfast, Mrs. Brush.

Irene. Irene, bring in the breakfast.

Talk us through breakfast, Roy.

Can we lose Mum?

Talking through breakfast, Roy?

Thanks, Mum.

My favourite breakfast.

Nobody does bangers like my mum.

Is that all right?

Well, we're very happy that at last someone has been fenced and is promoting

British meat. It just goes to show that if British bangers are good enough for

brush, then they're good enough for Britain.

And sausage debate.

The big sausage.

The bad sausage.

The burnt sausage.

The sausage round.

A question of sausages.

Whose sausage is it anyway?

The good, the bad and the sausage. Oh, shut up!

The great sausage.

The sausage war.

The great sausage war?

Yeah. The great sausage war.

Right. Subtitle.

Loony Veggie Slam Brush.

Scum editorial.

Shut up, says scum. Leave our bangers alone.

Right, I want 20 things you never knew about sausages.

Terry, get on to it. Janet, I want another of your fabulous competitions.

Insult a veggie and win a Roy Brush Sizzler T -shirt.

Eh? Eh? Eh?

Right, tomorrow's follow -up. Does the Prime Minister eat sausages?

If not, why not?

The Roy Brush Sizzler has really captured the imagination of the British

and we're very pleased about that.

Yes. Colin, you're a top sports psychiatrist.

What do you think about it all?

Yeah. Call for you from Nottingham Express.

Who is it?

Leslie Wilson.

OK.

Hello.

No, we don't have to talk.

I explained it all in the letter.

Yeah, that's all I've got to say.

Look, I'm sorry. I know it sounds cruel.

No, please, don't call again.

Bye.

What? Kev here.

Listen, mate, I just want to bend your ear about tomorrow's column.

My favourite fruits.

Piss off, will you? Just leave me alone.

Right, I thought we'd kick off the piece on foreigners with... Do the French

smell. Terry, you'll know the form picture of Sasha Distel, Bridget Bardo

onion. Right, what have you got for me, puss?

Bonking saves lives.

Yeah, I like that.

What is it?

Buy a scum condom and we donate 2p to Oxfam.

Scum condom.

Scum condom and we donate.

It's f***ing brilliant.

You see that? She is after my f***ing job.

I love it.

Oh, oh, oh.

Scum says.

Safe sex, safe starving.

Oh, I love it. I love it.

Clear the decks, Kevin.

Never mind Roy Brush's f***ing fruit. How many condoms does he use?

Oh, I can see it now.

Stan from ready knobbed his way to a water pump.

Brush is being another round of drinks.

Well, who wants to have a drink with Roy Brush?

I will, lad.

You wouldn't understand, none of you.

I just want to be a footballer, eh?

Can't you see that?

That's all I want to be.

is the greatest footballer in the world.

Well, if you didn't look like Coco the Clown, mate, people might take you

serious. Now, shut up.

Listen, mate, you're the one who wants to shut up.

King crying game on king radio every minute.

What's the matter, lad?

Come on, give the boy a break. He's only got a big match on Saturday.

The way he looks, I'm surprised he can even blink.

Well, you've got your story now, haven't you?

Are we the lads?

Roy Brash, greatest footballer in the world.

Hello? Roy, it's Kev. You seen the front page?

Er, yeah.

Thanks.

How are you feeling today?

Not too good.

So what's all these problems you've got, Roy?

What problems?

Last night you were saying you had all these problems.

What did I say?

You said nobody understands you.

Look, I understand you, mate.

It's not easy, is it? I mean, if it was that easy, we'd all be doing it, eh?

I think what you do is fantastic, Roy.

Great, thanks.

Listen, don't forget cramps tonight, will you?

It's going to be great.

Loads of birds, plenty of booze.

See you there, mate, all right?

You naughty boy.

Yeah.

Great.

Leslie, it's me, Roy.

Listen, I think we should talk about this.

Look, why don't you come down to London tonight?

Will you do that, love?

One more, right?

Yeah, one more.

Right.

Yeah. Sorry, I got shut out. I was locking the car.

I'm with Roy.

Roy who?

Roy Brush.

Oh.

Half a lager and two bottles of stud.

Come out tonight, innit?

Uh, a pint of lager, please, mate.

I don't want to show you.

I don't want to show you.

I am young.

No.

Change the mood.

Let's take them down.

You know what I'm saying.

Let's move.

Sorry to intrude. I was just having a quiet drink over there. I saw you

here, so I thought I'd come and say hello.

What was that, a friend of yours?

No, just a fan.

Yeah, they're so demanding, aren't they? Always after something.

Yeah, that's why I like this place. You know, it's quiet.

Yeah, that's right.

Not a lot of birds here.

No, I think they come down later.

Well, they'd better hurry up. It's nearly two o 'clock.

Yeah. Women, they never trust them.

It's a gay club, Roy.

Is it?

I think so, yeah.

I don't know. I've never been here before.

Roy, you lucky sod.

I don't know how you do it. You've won last week's raffle.

Here's your prize, love.

A lovely bottle of champagne and two glasses.

Relax, Roy. Being gay is not a crime, you know.

I'm not gay.

Of course you're not.

But if you were, so what?

I mean, let's face it, 90 % of men have had some kind of homosexual experience.

Haven't they?

Have they?

Of course they have.

I know I did.

When I was a kid, you know.

Have you?

What was it like?

I was just a schoolboy, you know, behind the gym.

You know, you show me yours, I'll show you mine, sort of thing.

We've all done it, you know.

Haven't we?

What happened?

You know, just the usual.

Did you play with each other?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Did you go any further than that?

No, not really.

Was he black or white?

White, I think.

So long ago, I can't remember.

Things we did as kids, eh?

So, what about you, Roy?

Did you ever try it?

Yeah, once.

What happened?

Well, much the same as you, really.

What, playing around behind the bike shed?

Yeah.

Then in the bike shed.

Then on the bike shed.

Then on the bike.

His house.

My house.

Scout camp.

Then it got serious.

Serious? Yeah.

We used to go on holiday together.

What, Blackpool?

No, man, Ibiza.

That's where we became lovers.

You became lovers.

Fucking sex, that's what sells newspapers, and don't you fucking forget

at this.

Tits, football, safe sex, charity, all in one picture.

Fucking genius I am. In here, puss.

Right, I want a condom tape.

Ten a week is half a pound of rocks.

And I want a competition, Janet. Anyone who uses 50 wins a Roy Brush fiddle bag.

Two handkerchiefs, a condom, and a Brush's British banger.

Lesley Wilson.

I wish I had drowned.

That was a stupid thing to do.

I was desperate.

I just wanted to stay friends. I could see I was going to lose you. God, we are

still friends.

But you've got to understand what I'm going through.

I couldn't give you the attention you wanted.

You don't understand the pressures of being a footballer. I mean, there's no

such thing as a gay footballer.

Well, you could be the first. Have you any idea what the press, never mind the

territory, would do to me? But it didn't do Navratilova any harm.

Navratilova? She doesn't have to go to Ellen Road once a bloody year.

I mean, you never hear a packed centre court going coo -ee every time it's 15

love, do you?

Well, I'm sure it can't be as bad as what you're trying. Look, it's not just

press, it's everything else. It's me endorsements, my sponsorship, I'd lose

lot. Oh, so it's all down to money, is it? No, it's not just the money, but it

helps. Helps you what?

Skulk around living in fear, trying to be something that you're not. You know,

it helps me be something that I am. And what's that, Roy? A very rich man,

Leslie. Well, I'm glad you said that. At least I know where I stand now.

Look, Leslie.

We are a team.

Remember that.

It's a team game.

All for one.

And one for all.

You help each other.

That's what it's all about.

Support.

So let's get out there.

And support each other.

Good luck.

And enjoy yourselves.

Jimmy, Roy Brush's first game for his club.

And if you've read today's newspapers, I'm sure you'll appreciate what this

young man is going through.

Well, I know what I'd do if I was his manager.

A bone -biting challenge.

Absolutely being overrun in midfield now. I mean, halfway inside their own

You can even see Wazza Brooks trying to get Roy Brush involved.

So many gaps in midfield. They've come across to this a near side. You can see

how they can get exploited.

Come on!

They've got a lot of space here. Reagan releases Steve Earle. Steve Earle is

unmarked. And Steve Earle makes it two.

And I'm afraid to say, Roy Brush is fault once more.

And I can't see the manager living on the field much longer.

Well, there you go. Half -time, 2 -0 down. Can they pull it back? Jimmy?

Well, yes, I think if they were playing under normal circumstances, I think they

probably could, because they're the sort of team you can't really ever write

off. But I think all the pressure that Roy Brush has been under, the puffs...

Sorry, the gay scandal in the papers may well have had an effect on him, and the

crowd, of course, are starting to get at him now. So I'll tell you what I'd do

if I was his manager.

Navy for 10 years, lad. I've been around too long. I know too much. I don't care

if you're gay or green or both, lad.

You owe it to them, to the team, and you owe it to me, but most importantly, you

owe it to yourself.

Don't you understand, son?

Yesterday, you were a brilliant footballer.

Today, you're a brilliant gay footballer.

Don't play like you can play.

Every one of those morons on the terraces will have won.

It's up to you to go out there and make sure they don't win.

You're the one who's going to win.

You are a brilliant gay footballer.

What are you?

A brilliant gay footballer, boss.

Right.

Now go out and... prove it.

He's

hungry!

He's looking for it again, Brush! Has he made room? He is!

Brush directing himself in midfield. The manager sees him. Beats one.

He's played it wide now. There's a fallback. Keeps looking for the return.

Brush. Now.

Beats the second.

Beats the third.

In comes the lunging challenge. He's passed that.

the opposition half. That's why Brazilians are best. How about that for

of skill they play it square.

Paul Brush has beaten the onrushing yellow tide.

Derek, I think it has got something to do with the fact that I did have a pot

mushroom tea earlier on and things are beginning to change, if you know what I

mean, and football has suddenly become a total irrelevance to me and I'm looking

at the more broader issues in life, the sort of things that don't involve

football but involve other big things and things like the...

the intensity of the colours and the sort of dreams that one enters into.

more like a twilight zone, Aldous Huxley wrote about it, and what a marvellous

centre forward Aldous Huxley was, what a great vision he had, particularly after

he'd done the amount of acid he'd taken. I think anyone's strike rate would

improve, well, certainly in their own mind, whatever that is.

And really, someone should come up to me and say, well, Jimmy, shut up.