Original subtitles

Where's Ricky? I don't know. I haven't seen him.

You're

useless.

You can't juggle.

You can't ride a horse.

You're no good on the high wire because you're afraid of heights.

The elephants all hate you.

You can't throw a knife.

You can't breathe fire.

We can't even fire you out of a cannon without you getting a nosebleed or

screaming that you've gone deaf.

You've got absolutely no circus skills whatsoever.

You're a failure and a disgrace to our ancient circus family.

You're good for nothing, John Major.

Shit! Ricky, you're on! All right, where's John?

Your brother has very kindly agreed to let you join his clan act.

Now get out there and don't muck it up.

Yes, Dad.

What the hell's this?

Tech strategies of the third world?

You're sick, you are, John, sick.

No, you're not sick.

You're normal.

You're one of the great washed, you are.

You've got the soul of a punter.

Now get out there and be funny before I get upset.

Right, Pino gets the first one. Then E -Duck, you get this one.

You're not going to stick that in my face, are you?

And that's why I talk the way I do today.

It seemed life in the circus was really not for me.

So I decided then to be one of the few people to actually run away from the

circus.

Well, it wasn't running away really.

There was no one actually trying to stop me.

Leave him be, Mum.

He's gone to join his own kind.

A world that we don't understand.

A world of the punter.

A world that is forever lost to us.

I had no idea of where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there.

For years I had secretly dreamed of working in a bank or a tax office.

So I headed vaguely in the direction of the city.

Already, I was entering an enchanting world of stationery and office

This was my Disneyland.

Binders. A4 filing, A2 and A6.

Receipt books and rulers and propelling pencils.

Calculators and rubbers and paper clips.

Where could I start?

I badly needed experience with figure and paperwork for the faceless young

office worker that I was determined to become.

And then, something happened which was to change my life.

I could do that. I can do that.

This was it. This was to be my life.

But not quite.

Fate had other plans.

It was a note from my father.

A tragic accident at the circus.

One of the elephants had sat on my brother Mickey and they urgently needed

the circus.

Temporarily forced to put aside my political ambitions, I returned to find

I was to be the next Coco the Clown.

At least, until they found a replacement.

Very quickly, I realized that the only way to keep an audience from asking for

their money back was to abuse myself as much as possible.

Then, gradually, as confidence grew, I began to extend the ad, until, though

as good as my dear late brother, I was, to the world at large, Copo the Clown.

I have not forgotten my lifelong dream of becoming a Tory bureaucrat.

So, after being offered the hardest Conservative seat in the country, I

campaign each day for all I was worth.

Lonesome and annoying party, you know it makes sense to stop the National

Health. May I ask you what your voting sentence might be? Well, won't be

conservative at all, then. Please vote for your caring, sorry party.

May I have a word? No.

No?

Oh, well, very good.

Would you like to take a hand?

I'm conservative.

Good night, I was still Coco the Clown.

I've been made an MP.

Great, John, we're on next.

Hello,

Major, you squirt. New shoes.

You're over there, squirt.

Oh, suit.

Who's that?

I've been made Minister of Health and Social Security.

Minister of what?

I'll tell you later.

John. John, your wig.

I think you're all doing a marvellous job.

Thank you very much, everybody.

I've been made Foreign Secretary.

I'll give you a job for five minutes, can you?

I'll show you he may fall in fact, Terry. No, I'll show them each second.

Just wait here, would you?

What time's your call this, then?

I'm sorry, Dad.

Sorry's not good enough, is it?

I had to put the elephants on twice.

And all the kiddies were yelling, Where's Coco?

Where's Coco?

I nearly had to give them their money back.

I did no more.

You know, your poor dear late brother, he never missed a show in his entire

life. Coco the Clown has never missed a performance in this circus for 150

years.

Not until tonight.

I couldn't help it, Dad, you see.

There's something I've got to tell you.

I've been made Prime Minister.

And the Queen's asked me to form a government.

And that's where I was tonight.

The palace.

I'm sorry.

What are we going to do, John?

We can't go on like this.

I can't keep asking Terry to fill in every night. Not look after the tigers

well. I mean, it's not fair, is it, Ma?

I mean, Terry works very hard as it is.

Well, I'll have a word with central government and see what I can do.

But there is this war looming in the Gulf. I don't want to hear about it,

Look, as long as Coco the Clown is here and ready to go on at ten past seven

every night, then what you do in your own time is no concern of mine.

Dad. Don't argue with me, John. The case is closed.

Now go and say thank you to Terry.

I think it would be a nice gesture if you offered to muck out the elephants

him.

I'll be about 20 minutes, okay?

Order!

Order!

Order! Order! Order! Order! Order!

Order! Order! Order!

Mr Speaker, Mr Speaker, may I ask the Prime Minister why

old age pensions have not been kept in line?

The Prime Minister, Mr John Major.

I have studied this question most carefully and in my view the question is

surely not whether pensions should go up.

but that if inflation continues to come down, which it is, then in my opinion,

those pensions will appear most adequate.

Mr.

Speaker, the Prime Minister is once again using his well -known talents for

obscuring the facts.

The inflation rate, as we all know, has not even dropped 1%.

only thing that has dropped him, Mr. Speaker, is his economic trousers.

Revealing a somewhat limp policy that has continued to droop ever since he

office.

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Speaker, I'm flattered that the Right Honourable Lady has paid

so much attention to the size of my policies.

May I assure her that there is substantial room for growth and that

policies will expand.

like the economy, as and when I feel ready.

Order! We shall now proceed to the private members' bill.

You're fantastic, Dennis.

What about dinner tonight, Michael?

I'm sorry, Shadow Home Secretary.

No. Hey, hey, hey.

Call me James.

Home James.

Some other time, James.

Tonight I'm taking a group of Vietnamese children on a charity outing.

How's Bells?

I've got to go. What?

Who the hell is he? I don't know, Dad.

You're going to be the death of me, you are.

Sorry, Dad.

How did she get in here?

With a ticket, son. Same as anybody else.

It's a great country, isn't it?

Well, you're going to change that as well.

I can't apologise enough, can I, ma 'am?

Please keep the jacket, and here's a free pass for you and your friends to

and see us whenever you want. And I can promise that there'll be no more pies in

the face.

Ain't that right, ma 'am?

That was what the children liked the most.

Yeah, I bet you've never seen this before.

Lucky coconut.

Oh.

I'm very sorry, Miss Kinnock.

Oh, that's all right, Coco.

I thought you were great.

Would you like to see

the elephants?

Oh, well, all right then, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, the smell of the slaughter.

It's so nice to get away from politics, Coco.

Do you know, when I was a kid, I used to dream of running away to a circus.

The animals and the tent and the high wire.

But the clowns were always my favourite.

Well, thanks for showing me around, Coco.

I must be off now.

Well, goodbye, Miss Kinnock.

Bye, Coco.

What are the Prime Minister's engagements today?

This afternoon, Mr Speaker, I shall be meeting with EEC delegates and visiting

bottle plant in Slough.

And then I'll be mucking out the elephants.

And I mean I'll be attending a conference on the Middle East.

This sort of war could go on for months and months. I doubt that thousands of

lives will be lost.

Do we have the medical facilities to cope with this kind of carnage? Yes, as

long as it doesn't turn into a nuclear war, in which case millions will die.

Hundreds of millions more likely.

Well, let's ask the Prime Minister.

Prime Minister, what do you think?

What about starting a nuclear war?

Well, if we don't nuke them first, the bloody French will.

I'd like to avoid a war with France, if at all possible.

So then on Thursday, we present them with our new tax strategy.

Right.

That's good. We've got them on their own.

But we mustn't relax now, Derek.

I need that report by Tuesday to maintain the initiative.

I'm sorry, Coco, the who?

I'm afraid she's in a meeting.

Glynis? Yes? There's a Mr Coco the Clown on the line for you.

Pick his number, Barbara. Tell him I called him back. He said that's not

possible.

I'd better take this. Would you excuse me a moment?

Hello, Coco.

How are you?

I know you're very busy, but it was so nice to meet you last night, and I was

wondering whether perhaps we could meet up again.

Perhaps for a meal.

Oh.

When?

What about tonight?

Tonight?

All right.

Tonight will be fine.

I'm expecting to meet a gentleman.

Is he here yet? He's right over there.

Hello, Coco.

Would you care for an aperitif?

Are you going to have one?

Why not?

We'll have two very dry martinis.

Well, this is an unexpected treat.

Here's to us.

This is a beautiful show van, Coco.

Yes. My great -great -grandfather built it.

He was the very first Coco the Clown.

It's a bit gaudy for my taste.

Oh, I could live in this.

Traveling the country roads, going from town to... Oh, that's a bit of a

straight suit for a clown, Coco.

Um, yes, that's...

Just the one I use to see the man at the bank.

Which I don't do much.

Because I'm too busy going from town to town.

You must have such an exciting life.

It must be exciting being at the centre of political life, too.

It has its moments.

What about this fellow, um... Major?

John Major.

Do you hate him as much as you appear to?

Yes. He's a total and utter bastard.

But if he wasn't at all, then... Might you fancy him, then?

Don't forget about politics, Coco.

Come and sit here.

Tell me some circus stories.

Circus stories?

Um... Let me see.

Oh, yes.

I remember once we were in Leicester.

No, we weren't. We were in Northampton.

No, it was King's Lynn.

Town did matter.

No.

No, it was the middle of July.

No, it was...

Oh, no.

What? Oh, Coco, we've overslept.

What? Oh, no.

I can't believe it. I've got to be in the Commons in ten minutes.

Why, what's on the agenda?

I mean, what's happening?

Major's declaring war.

I've got to be there for the debate.

My goodness.

Sorry to wake you, honey.

I like that.

It was wonderful, by the way.

Love you.

Call you.

Archie! Shut on in!

No!

No!

Mr.

Speaker, isn't it about time the Prime Minister stopped dithering?

Admit he is a wimp! and a coward.

And resign now, this afternoon, from government.

Oh, really?

Order! Order!

Go on. Give her hell.

Oh, yes. Right.

Mr Speaker, may I point out that it's not my face that's covered in custard on

the front of this week's Private Eye.

And, if I may say so.

The Right Honourable Lady has never looked lovelier.

That's it, Prime Minister.

Humiliate the socialist bitch.

Miss Dinner.

I'm sorry if I went too far.

What? I can't believe I'm hearing this. It's nothing personal. It's just the cut

and thrust of politics. What exactly are you trying to say, Mr Major?

How about a drink?

I mean...

Why shouldn't we discuss our policies in a more friendly and relaxed atmosphere?

I prefer our relationship exactly the way it is, Mr Major.

Stiff and hostile.

I can't believe you're doing this to me.

You can't let me down like this.

It's only two days, Dad.

We'd all like to go to Paris, John.

I've been promising to take your mother for years. Have none more.

Listen, Dad, it's the G7 summit.

All the other Western leaders are going to be there, and I've got to go.

Well, you're no son of mine.

You don't belong amongst us circus folk.

See, I turned my back on you.

And, John?

Yes, Dad?

Your red nose, if you please.

Now get out!

I'm glad to say that the summit in Paris was a success and that all leaders have

agreed with our proposal as to the best way of handling this crisis.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Have there been any calls from you while I was out?

Only the shadow home secretary asking again when you'll be free for dinner.

Oh. Nothing else, then? No, that's all.

That's two days, Coco, as I called me.

You're really serious about this clown, aren't you?

Well, he makes me laugh.

Oh, I love his big red nose.

Don't you love his orange hair?

What a catch.

And you know what they say?

If a man makes you laugh, marry him.

Are there any other matters, gentlemen?

Just this new circus act.

Which I'm sure we'll all agree on.

The circus act?

It's just a new bill, Prime Minister, to stop gyppos and circus people camping

on commons and lay -bys. In future, they're all going to be contained in one

concrete, approved, Euro -themed park outside Milton Keynes.

Well, we seem to all be agreed on this one. Shall we have a show of hands?

The whole Tory party are behind this one, Prime Minister.

I see.

Yo.

Why?

What have you done?

Yum, yum.

I'm just having dinner, James, and that's it.

We all live in hope, mein Fuhrer.

Gorgeous thing. I'd just like to get a huge... I must be mad.

We are late for the debate.

And it's a circus act.

Hello? Glynis?

It's me.

Coco. Hello, Coco.

Where have you been?

Why didn't you call me?

Well, I had to go away. Look, I'll tell you about it tonight.

I can't meet you tonight. I've got another engagement.

Oh.

Oh, well.

Some other time, perhaps.

Yes, yes, some other time.

Try the other spanner.

blocking the traffic, causing untold inconvenience to local residents, who

up paying for this medieval free -for -all. Why, only the other day, my wife

accosted by a peg -selling midget.

In St Albans, I might say.

People who say that...

Circus people are a bunch of tippos, and I think everyone in the house would

agree with me on this. They need proper homes, boxes, compartments where they

can live.

What's our party's view on the Circus Act?

We agree with it. We made a deal with the Tories.

And I'll just say one more thing, and this is going to sound crazy.

look ravishing.

I can't wait to give you a good hard seat. James, I'm trying to listen to the

debate. Oh, come on. It's just some boring rubber stamp job.

Speaking of rubber, guess what I'm wearing underneath my brand new suit.

James, what's this?

Mr. Speaker, if the leader of the opposition refrained from flirting with

cabinet, she might realise the seriousness of this debate on the Circus

I can only imagine the Prime Minister is upset because I am close to my shadow

cabinet in a way he never could be with his.

And what's that supposed to mean?

That, Mr Major, is up to your schoolboy imagination.

Well, exactly how many members of your cabinet are you doing it with?

Order! Order!

Order! Order!

Order! Order!

This house will go into recess.

The second bill will receive its... Ready tomorrow.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Thought I'd just pop in, see how my boy's getting on.

Well, it was your mother's idea.

What's the seating capacity of this place, then?

634.

Oh, yeah?

You put another rostrum there, another rostrum up there, right? You could

squeeze in another 200.

It'd improve the sight lines as well, you know, let the people see the act.

It's half empty most of the time, Dad.

Proves my point.

Still, you're the ringmaster.

You know best.

Jumbo's dead.

I'm sorry.

He was only an elephant, wasn't he, John?

So... How's it going with your young lady, then?

Fine.

Do you love her?

Yes, I do.

Does she love you?

Yes, I think so.

No, she doesn't. She does? She doesn't.

She loves cocoa.

And you realise, of course, that if this circus act goes through, then there'll

be no more circus. If there's no more circus, there's no more cocoa.

No cocoa, no Glynnis. So that's what it is. You just want to save your crummy

circus.

There's an old saying.

Bread and circuses.

Wasn't it Jesus who said, men cannot live on bread alone?

Roll up, roll up.

He wasn't referring to circuses, Dad.

Yeah, well, you know best, I'm sure.

But I do know one thing, John Major.

You sign your name to that and you sign away your future happiness.

No circus, no cocoa, no Glynnis.

There's nothing I can do, Dad. Both parties want this act.

Oh, well.

Here.

I've got something for you.

Well, good luck, then.

Stop it. I'm going to have to resit with you. Oh, come on, Vinnie. Stop blocking

the motion. I spent an absolute fortune on you tonight. The least you can do is

ask me up for a little nightcap, if you know what I mean. Thank you, James. It's

been a most pleasant evening.

What about a quick amendment here in the doorway?

Well, all right, then, James. Just a peck on the cheek, all right? All right.

Thank you.

James.

James.

James. James.

James. Stop it, James.

Good night, James.

Thank you, Glynis.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

I love you, you gorgeous thing, you driver.

St. Thomas' Hospital.

I know what you're doing this morning.

You're voting on the Circus Act.

Oh, that.

Look, it's just a little bit of legislation, Coco.

It's not very important.

It'll be over by lunchtime and then we can meet.

It's important to me, Glynis.

If that circus act goes through, it'll mean the death of the circus.

My family have sweated for generations to keep Balls Brothers on the road.

And it's not just my circus, Glynnis.

What would you expect me to do about it?

You could get the Labour Party to vote against it.

Oh.

So that's it.

That's why you came back, wasn't it?

It wasn't... Because you wanted me, or because you loved me.

It was because you wanted to save your crummy job!

Have a nice evening, sir.

What?

That's the Prime Minister's car, isn't it?

That's right, ma 'am. 3 .2 Scorpio with extra leather and turbo -powered. ABS

braking. Air conditioning.

Cosmoponic sound with CD adoption.

Cuckoo!

Cuckoo?

Excuse me, Prime Minister, but you've got something on your cheek.

Order!

Order!

Come to the third and final reading of the Circuit Bill.

I don't think there's really any need to prolong the debate. It's basically just

another EEC rubber stamp, do as you're told, Jock. And that's exactly what I'm

going to do. And then we can get on with something else. We in the Tory party

have no objections to you sticking a rubber on this.

And what about the Labour Party? Any circus lovers there?

In that case, I declare this bill passed by a unanimous vote.

Mr Speaker.

I have something to say on this matter.

Mr Speaker, I know all parties are in agreement on this matter, and of

course we all passionately want the EEC to tell us exactly what we can and can't

do. I too am a true European, Mr Speaker. If Mr Meteron says jump, I just

to know how high in meters.

But gentlemen,

Did we really fight and win two world wars so that these wine -swilling,

sausage -eating, crock -making, spaghetti -faced, flamenco -dancing

could tell our British children exactly when and where they could watch a

traditional British circus?

Mr. Speaker, I have not.

I feel it is my duty to declare I have a private and personal interest in this

matter. You see, Mr. Speaker, two weeks ago, I fell in love with a clown.

His name is Coco.

Not only is he a brilliant clown and a fabulous lover, but his energy

and wit and vitality have fulfilled me in a way... Order, order, really.

I'm sorry, Mr. Speaker.

It's just that every night and twice on Saturdays... Every night and twice

on Saturdays in the circus ring, Coco thrills and mesmerizes children

from 8 to 80 with his magic boots and his pratfalls and his pies.

But by day, Mr. Speaker...

He is a top politician and a senior member of this House.

Miss Kinnock, are you suggesting that a top British politician is a clown?

Yes, Mr Speaker, and he's here today.

Well, it certainly isn't me. I feel you have a duty, Miss Kinnock, to tell the

House who this clown -stroke MP might be.

I prefer to leave that to him, Mr Speaker.

Mr. Major, it can't be.

Yes, I am Coco the Clown.

And it's also true that I've been conducting an affair with the leader of

opposition.

I hasten to say she was unaware of who I really was.

I'm sorry if I embarrassed it, House, and I apologise to the Right Honourable

Lady for misleading her.

All I can say is I fell deeply in love with Miss Kinnock.

And I still am.

If you wish me to resign, so

be it.

But I discovered something in our relationship that I'd like to share with

I began to realise that...

Miss Kinnock and I were not just compatible as lovers.

I'm sorry to say, Mr. Major, I think your sex life is completely irrelevant.

Mr. Speaker, I believe the time has come to be candid.

I find that prospect alarming, to say the least, Mr. Major. Right, we've got

be open about this.

May we take it as read, then, that you and Mr. Major had marvellous sex on a

regular basis and move onwards, please? Very well, Mr. Speaker.

I began to realise that Miss Kinnock and I agree on so many political issues.

And I believe that fundamentally, both our parties do too.

For let's face it, nobody cares these days, nor does it matter which party, be

it Tory or Labour, gets into power.

For we're all now the same grey centre party.

For example...

Is it not true that the Labour Party have thrown off the mantle of socialism,

that so -called caring doctrine, in favour of a much more practical and

realistic I -want -it -and -I -want -it -now way of thinking?

And we in the Tory party have embraced corporate centralised bureaucracy,

apart from a few unwanted extremists.

The age of the individual is dead. We are a state bureaucracy and proud of it.

I say let's forget British history and politics and driving

on the left. We belong here in the centre as one grey, central,

euro -style power vacuum.

What do you say, Glynnis?

John, if my party will give up all pretense to opposition, then yes,

I agree.

I think I can fairly safely say that we all rather like this new, neat,

streamlined, bureaucratic, everything -the -same party.

And henceforth, this country will be governed by an EEC -style, rubber

do -as -you're -told, slaves -till -the -end committee.

And I, for one, welcome it with open arms.

It reminds me of the time in 1943...

when the great grey ships were leaving Portsmouth, and our hearts were heavy.

Yeah, Mr. Churchill.

Yes. Can't be instead.