Original subtitles

Can you sign for this then, mate?

Sure. With a look.

How many people you got working here, then?

Thirty -six.

Full -time.

God, you don't get through a lot of bog paper.

Yeah, well, business isn't too good.

People are getting scared.

Hang on.

You've got to pour too many in.

Have I?

Oh. I wonder how they got there.

Must be an uplifter requirement.

Tell you what.

Give us a tenner and I'll say no more about it.

Tenner? Yeah.

That's theft, that is.

I like to call it a private enterprise.

Here we go!

Where's the governor?

I've got to get my invoice signed.

Here we go.

Look,

Des, I've told you before, it's got to pick up pace when we hit the bridge.

I've got to take it from you and Roger, so you've both got to pick up pace.

All right, we'll do it again.

How much tape have we got left, Nigel?

Not a lot, but we can go over what you've already done, unless you want to

it. No.

It was crap.

I think we should save it.

Oh, so you've started thinking now, have you?

Look, there's no point in getting tetchy, is there? It's not very

is it?

No, and it wasn't a very good take either, was it?

I think we should keep it anyway, because we might not get a better one.

Well, if we might not get a better one, then maybe we'd better not might take

another take.

Hang on a minute.

What is it?

Bog paper.

Sign for this, will you?

Isn't Jerry in the office?

It's locked. No one there.

Let's have a look, then.

Who's the band?

Toy department, they call themselves.

Bloody awful.

What is it, a single or what?

You must be joking, mate. More like demo number 85.

No one's going to buy music like that, I hope.

Too fucking modern.

There you go.

Cheers.

Oh, so it's come down to clothes now, has it?

So just because I dress more imaginatively than you, then I'm too

know anything about music, am I?

Turn it off, please.

It's all.

Oh, bloody dead.

Oh, God.

Rosie! Ow!

Sorry.

It's not very sad, is it, Brian?

She's not supposed to know you're here.

Oh, God, sorry.

Apart from that, it's a bit bloody early, isn't it? What do you mean it's

past nine?

What? Oh, no.

Debbie, it's half past nine.

What? It's half past nine.

What? It's half past bloody nine, for God's sake.

What?

You don't stop saying what, I'll bloody kill you.

It's half past nine and we are both late. Got it?

Fucking hell!

All right.

Bella!

Who's this band? They're brilliant.

Oh, that's that cassette I was telling you about.

I picked it up from that studio. They're called, um, Toy Department.

Oh, what, you nicked it?

Borrowed it.

Oh, yeah, borrowed it.

Probably with a view to seeing what you could do for them in terms of

representation, Your Honour.

Naturally, what a shrewd analysis, Brian.

Oh, thank you, Keith. In fact, I do believe it's my superior intelligence

secured my position in that small but elite body of men and women.

commonly known as Maggie's Million.

I thought it was your degree from Women's Scrubs.

Oh, yeah, that as well.

Oh, Brian, what are you doing here?

Look, Debbie, it was just one of those things.

We met quite by chance, accidentally, in the pub, and he couldn't get home, so I

let him stay.

Oh, Brian, look, I mean, I like you very much, and it's very nice to see you all

right. I mean, you're one of our oldest and our best friends, maybe the best,

but I want you to fuck off now and not come back, all right?

It was only one night. Look, for God's sake, don't be so stupid, both of you.

I mean, if Mayla catches you here together, I mean, she's going to say

broken parole and you'll both be put back inside.

How's it worth it, hmm?

No.

Exactly, so just get lost.

Oh, it really is nice to see you, huh?

Yeah, get lost, Brian.

A lot of stuff's been falling off the back of your van recently.

Ah, it's the doors,

Mr Pinder. They keep opening.

Very poor quality, you see. I mean, but that's what happens if you don't buy

British, I mean.

And I have to drive round at such a speed, you see, to get all the

in. I mean, it's criminal, the amount of work you give us to do in a day.

Do you know, I have to break the speed limit every day just to get it all in. I

mean, it's bloody criminal, honestly.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

In fact, I'm keeping a close eye on you, Keith, and I'm meeting your parole

officer tomorrow, so you'd better keep your nose clean.

Ah, well, it's very nice of you to be so concerned, Mr. Pinder.

Don't push your luck, Keith.

And another thing, that cassette player's against company regulations.

Get it out the cab before you bring the van back tonight, all right?

Anything you say, Mr. Pinder.

You? You're too old to know anything about the music business, you senile old

git. Would the next one like to go through, please?

You must have won him over with your gracious charm.

Fuck off.

Oh, there it is again.

Do I leave it for you, then?

Yeah, thank you.

Would the next one like to go through, please?

I'm Keith.

Keith Epstein.

Epstein? Yeah.

Any relation to Brian Epstein?

He was my brother.

Oh, really?

Congratulations.

You're the 47th brother of Brian Epstein I've met since I got this job.

Now get out.

Boots, boots, boots, boots, boots.

Louise?

Boots.

Fourth from last this morning's session.

Um... Something about boots.

Copy this one.

Oh, yes, Epstein.

Well, tell him to give me a ring anyway, would you? And I want him tomorrow

morning first.

Hello?

No. Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Who are you?

Keith. What do you want?

I'm trying to find that band that was here yesterday.

Toy department.

I'll be in again today.

Nigel? Yeah?

This guy wants the toy department.

Look, do any of these bloody phones work? I think the one in the kitchen

So, what do you want with them? You're not in the band, are you? No.

No, no, you need a more stupid hairstyle.

So what do you want with them?

I was just looking for them.

Got a business proposition, you know.

Have you now?

Oh, that'll be interesting.

Why's that?

They split up yesterday.

What? Yeah, it was quite good fun, really.

Ali said that the others could all go and fuck themselves and he was going to

on a voyage of discovery of his own image.

What about the rest of them? I don't know.

You could try the George in Islington.

The George? Yeah.

They was in here at this lunchtime, as a matter of fact.

Any idea where I can find them now? It's a bit urgent. I've got a bit of

business I could put their way. Well, you'll have to get in pretty sharpish,

old son.

What's that?

Well, they was in here with this bloke at lunchtime. Roger says they was going

to sign some contract or other about doing a tour of Sweden or something. He

in a bit of a panic because apparently Alistair, he's left the bank.

And they had to find another thing out before they left.

Should have found one a while ago, if you ask me.

Do you know when they're leaving, then?

Um, they was catching the 11 .45 ferry from Felixstowe in the morning.

Seems a bit dull to me. I mean, you see, Sweden has just won the Eurovision Song

Contest, haven't they? Well, now, I can't see the Swedes.

exactly liking Roger's band when he got such good music of their own. You know

what I mean? You know what I mean?

I'll be honest with you, Keith.

We're looking for a tax loss.

I must admit, I chose your band because they're the worst, most derivative thing

I've heard in a long time.

On the upside, though, you get a modest amount of money and the slimmest of

chances of selling a record or two.

There's an element of urgency involved, though. We need a single out within a

fortnight for tax purposes. Is that a mast you have there?

Uh, yeah.

Splendid. Well, you leave that with me, with Louise, and I'll see if I can get

an even worse mix of it. When can I see the band?

Oh, uh, tomorrow?

It's gone.

Hard luck.

If you didn't have a car that broke down every hundred yards, we could have

caught them.

Well, don't blame me, Keith.

I'm a child of the recession.

This car is my inheritance from successive governments' lack of

new product lines since the 1950s.

I'm aware of that, Brian.

But I've just about cracked a record deal which could be worth a few thousand

quid if I hadn't got a band.

Any suggestions?

Besides rejecting the opposition with MC3 as the main indication of the money

supply.

Yes.

I don't know.

Do it without the band!

Do it without the band.

I think you're taking this tax loss situation a bit too seriously there,

But Derek, I think you might be able to make some money out of it.

I'll give you a minute.

What you could do is promote it as some kind of mystery band.

You know, make it a bit of a game with people having to guess who it is.

What, so everybody's got to guess that it's a bunch of nobodies?

Well, they wouldn't know that, you see.

To the general public, it could be anybody. I mean, it could be Boy George,

all they know.

Could be Mick Jagger, Neil Kinnock, Mark Thatcher, even. It's possible.

Could it be Prince Andrew?

Yeah, that's a good one. That has fell a few copies.

Yeah.

Could be anyone, you see.

So we could sell it to people and they could imagine it was whoever they liked.

Well, that must be quite a big market, Derek.

Could be mega.

Yeah.

There'll be no live concerts, of course.

Videos?

Yeah, but without showing their faces.

Debbie?

Debbie?

You bloody bastard.

I hate you.

I thought you liked Chinese.

No bloody wisecracks, Keith Martin, because I'm not in the mood, all right?

I got Kentucky Fried as well. Everyone likes Kentucky Fried. Look, stop it,

Keith. Just stop it.

Now, I want some straight answers from you.

I mean, Naylor was round here today, and she said you got sacked from your job a

fortnight ago.

My God, Keith, I don't want to be put away again. A fortnight? That's two

What have you been doing?

Where did you get all this stuff?

You've nicked it, haven't you? I know you have. You've bloody nicked it. Do

want to know the truth?

I mean, what have you been doing? What have you been doing every day when

been planning to go to work, hmm?

Well, you know that tape I've been playing. Oh, don't lie to me, Keith. I'm

I'm not. Honest.

You know that tape.

Well, what I've been doing is, and I know you're going to find this hard to

believe, but what I've been doing is not only becoming the manager of the band,

but I've got my deal with Hardcore Records as well.

And what all this stuff's made of, oh, by the way, I've got Indian as well,

all this stuff's made of is celebrating the release of my band's first single.

You're pathetic.

Debbie, I hate to tell you this, but it's all true.

Here's the record.

What?

Oh, no.

I've got McDonald's as well.

I must tell you, Keith, it's phenomenal.

I've never known such a response from the press. They love it.

Oh, and we've got half a million advance sales, did I tell you? And we only

released last week.

Well, there it is.

25 ,000 quid in fivers.

This is a bit of a first for us, you know.

Never done this before.

It's very unusual them wanting it in cash.

Then?

The band.

Never heard of a 100 % management deal, Derek.

Hmm? Only joking.

Look, Derek, could you do us a favour? What is it?

Well, I've sort of got this other band, you see, called Toy Department, and...

They're doing a tour of Sweden at the moment. And I was wondering if you

couldn't fix them up with a spell on the QE2 for six months or so, or maybe a

tour of South America. What do you think?

They like traveling, do they? Oh, love it. They can't get enough of it, Derek.

In fact, they told me they want to stay out of the country just as long as

possible because some of them are a bit dodgy, you know.

Well, it's not my usual end of the business, Keith, but...

If that's what you want, I'm sure I can find somebody to fix it for you. Thanks,

Derek. Listen, just one more thing. Could you tell whoever arranges this not

mention my name? It's a sort of practical joke, you know.

Thumbs the word.

Bar.

Oh, we've run out. Want some newspaper?

Look, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about.

They're thinking of pressing charges.

Apparently you lost 50 boxes of stuff.

What's this?

Oh, I think it's money, isn't it? Yeah, it looks like money, all right.

You can use a couple of sheets of that if you want.

Keith, they're on!

Keith, can I have a... word with you, please. Hang on, hang on.

Keith. Shut up.

Look, I'm asking you for the last time, Keith.

Turn it back on.

Because there's banners on telly, for God's sake. It's important.

Pop music is not important.

Fifty boxes of toilet rolls are.

Look, just turn it back on. We can talk about bog paper later.

We'll talk about it now, OK?

Look, it's my bloody telly and I want to watch it.

You're a big bitch! Look what you've done now!

And you pushed me. I did not! You did. I did not! You did. I did not!

Hello? Don't touch it! Don't touch it! Can you keep the noise down, please? I

can't hear anything.

Hello? Look, you're obviously both in a very highly emotional state.

I'd better come back later.

Well, it's always a pleasure to see you, Miss Naylor.

Hello?

Keith? Yeah?

Ah, Derek here.

Bit of a surprise, Keith.

The record's sailing even better than before, so I've decided to drop all the

mystery nonsense and book you in for a tour.

Starting in Manchester on Saturday, OK?

What? Ring Louise for the details. OK, mustache. Ah, but Derek, the thing...

Derek!

Derek, no...

Don't be stupid, Brian. You can't do a gig with the lights off. The public

buy that.

All right, then.

Um, what about four robots as a stage head?

Think of the advantages.

There'd be no hotel bills. You could just bung them in the boot of the car

the gig.

They could even blow themselves up at the end of the gig.

What about concert halls that blow themselves up before the gig?

What?

We could burn them down.

Oh, yeah.

Anchoring in.

They're now out of generation articulating the violence of a pretty

strategy.

We can't do this, Keith.

Oh, yeah? What about all that short -term planning backlash stuff you're

all about then?

Oh, sod that.

Well, look at it this way, Brian.

Most people who do arson have got some huge psychological problem, and they get

nothing out of it except maybe an erection.

Whereas we stand to make two and a half thousand quid cancellation fee.

I think I'd rather have an erection.

Oh, with a bit of luck, we might get both.

Look, are you sure this is going to work, Keith? Of course I'm sure.

Watch this.

Yeah, I'm watching.

Oh, bugger it.

That bit's stupid, Keith.

As soon as you get there, it'll go off in your face.

Look, it's not a bloody stand of firework, Brian. It's a sophisticated

electrical equipment.

What's all the more reason, if you ask me?

Look, if it hasn't gone up already, then it won't until I've fixed it, will it?

Well? They're all in.

It's packed out.

Bloody policemen everywhere as well, I can tell you.

Right. God, I had a job persuading that guy to band up these soundchecks.

Hello?

Hello, is that De Montfort Hall?

Ah, right.

Um, this is the Angry Brigade.

No, the Angry Brigade.

Yeah, um, we were very big in the 60s.

No, we're not a band.

Look, shut up, will you, and listen.

There is a bomb in the hall, yes, a bomb, that is due to detonate in 15

minutes.

Yeah, got that? Good, goodbye.

I'd much prefer it to wanton destruction.

I've just thought how we can avoid Liverpool.

That shouldn't be difficult.

Central government have been doing it for years.

Come on, we can do it from London.

Four halls have burnt down.

One gig's had to be blown out because of a bomb scare.

And now you say the whole tour has to be cancelled because Robbie's broken a

finger in a hang gliding accident.

Now I know we're getting a lot of publicity out of this.

And Robbie can break every bone in his body as far as I'm concerned. But

basically where is he?

And where's the rest of the band?

The press want to see them. I want to see them.

Everybody wants to see them.

So I've booked you a press conference for tomorrow morning.

Hey, what are we going to do?

We shouldn't be taking this very calmly.

Brian, how would you like to be a famous pop star?

Or two?

Please calm down.

Listen, Stig and Alex are both here, but they are not coming out until you give

them a bit more room. So please go back and give them a bit more space. Move

back, please. Now, whatever you do, don't touch their hair. I'm afraid

very, very paranoid about their hair. One touch of their hair and the whole

conference is over.

Right, here we go, then.

Right, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Alex.

Alex, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, everybody.

nice to see you. This is fun, isn't it? Only if it works, that's all.

Yeah,

I suppose so.

You? Yeah, what do you think of the fires and bombscares that surround your

-fated tour?

I don't know. I suppose someone somewhere doesn't want us to play.

It's a bit depressing.

How do I look?

Bloody silly.

Oh, thank you very much.

I suppose the next single will be released as soon as we've recorded it.

You know.

It's all going to end in tears, you know.

Well, that's what they said about the Pyramids.

Right then, here I go.

Oh, yeah, here he is.

This is... Well,

we don't get on, do we, Stig?

Yeah, well, we do get on, but we're a bit afraid of... after the recent death

threats incidents.

Yeah, we decided then it would probably be best if none of us was ever all in

the same place at the same time ever.

Yeah, ever.

Does that mean there's no chance of a concert in the near future?

I think the band needs a rest, don't you, Steve? Definitely, yeah. We've all

been under a lot of pressure lately. I'm sure you understand that. A lot of

pressure. A lot of pressure. Pressure on pressure.

And we're very tired and very emotional about everything now.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, um, yeah.

Yeah.

Christ, we'd better be careful, Debs, or we might catch on.

Listen, can you look for Bron? I'll get changed.

Where have you been?

I've been with that blonde journalist.

What did you tell her?

I think I might have told her a bit too much, actually.

What did you tell her?

Everything.

What?

You've told her everything.

You're not a very good criminal, are you, Brian?

Not at all.

How are you?

Why, Miss Naylor, what a pleasant surprise.

But, Brian... What?

I hear you've been seeing a lot of Brian recently.

But that's a lie. I haven't seen him for weeks, honest.

Miss Naylor, this is Alex, by the way. He's one of the band. Alex.

How do you do?

What's so important about this Brian, then? Oh, nothing much.

Oh.

Well, I'd better go, then.

I'll see you, Keith.

Now, look, Keith, I know something's going on. I'm not quite sure what it is,

but I... Miss Naylor, can I ask you a question?

How much do you get as a parole officer?

Pardon?

It's £5 ,000 in cash.

Miss Naylor, would you please leave me alone?

Do you seriously think, Keith, that you can buy me off with £5 ,000?

Tax -free.

You're very stupid.

Very stupid!

Always works in the movies.

Things are getting a bit sticky, Brian.

I think the band might have to meet with a fatal accident.

What do you fancy? Car crash? Plane crash?

Poison? That'd be stupid, Keith.

We'll get done for murder.

You can't be done for murdering yourself, can you?

I mean, where's the body?

By the way, Keith.

Yeah?

I know it's none of my business, but your wife's having an affair.

With Stig.

The bastard.

I'll kill him. I'll bloody kill him. I think that might be a bit drastic,

Certainly sell a few more records.

Yes, it would, wouldn't it?

Yes, it would.

Finished, Keith.

Right, let's go.

See you, Derek.

Yes?

There's a Mr. Kitson to see you.

Does he have an appointment?

No, but I think you ought to see him.

All right, well, show him in.

I don't like living in hotels, Keith. All the fans and everything.

Why can't we just buy a flight and get the money?

I know it, Debs.

But I think just at the moment it's best to be able to move as quickly as

possible.

Especially with what me and Brian have got planned.

I don't remember saying come in.

Come to arrest you, Keith.

What? You're under arrest.

What for?

23 counts of theft, four counts of arson, and one of attempted bribery.

Well, that sounds fairly comprehensive.

Got any evidence?

It's all going to stick, Keith.

That's a bit unlucky, isn't it?

I'd better go and get my coat on, then.

I just don't believe it. I wonder where all these charges come from. Keith could

have done all that, but he hasn't had time.

I'm sorry, Debbie. I tried to talk to him, but he just wouldn't listen.

But arson...

Yes, I'm afraid there's a side to Keith that you know absolutely nothing about.

You see, Debbie, Keith is the sort of person... Liz!

Oh, my God, what's going on?

Keith just came in and climbed straight out the bathroom window!

What, sir?

I think you owe me £250 ,000.

Bloody hell.

Where's Ryan, then? He's supposed to be here.

into the hospital.

This isn't the way to the hospital, Brian. Oh, no.

We've got to get into the hospital!

Oh, stop bloody crying.

Keith! Yeah, stop bloody crying, woman, or I'll shoot you.

What? Look, it was all arranged, see? And it worked! Of course.

To bloody hell!

Brian, did you get the tickets from the travel agent?

Yeah, of course I did.

Great. Stick some music on then.