Original subtitles

Here, you.

Do you want to see a comedy show?

Seven beautiful comedians. Very witty.

Guaranteed laugh all your money back. Comedy show.

This way.

For you. Do you want to see a comedy show?

Here,

look. I'll tell you a joke.

Wood, green and ants up a tree. Leave.

That's our kind of beer.

Go for that.

Do you want to see a comedy show? Comedy show.

Okay. Do you want to see a film?

Lovely joke.

So here we are in Berthold Brecht's Zohar.

With the old buildings and the London fog. And we can almost hear Polly

singing. And we can hear him singing.

You are about to witness the 10p opera. A tale of two

sisters.

Our story starts at pub closing time. Deep in the heart of Zobel.

Quiet now, for Jenny approaches the Salvation Army mission, her sister's

known address.

But in this Doss's paradise, danger lurks in every shadow. Jenny is soon

surrounded. Easy prey for the careless hands of the down -and -outs.

So, saved as it were by the bell, Jennifer again ventures forward, her

borne up by the missionary's merciful zeal.

I'm looking towards the door.

Oh, it's a lost touch.

And I was wondering if she was here.

Your sister's a fat slut.

Kicked her out of here a week ago.

She's probably in a brothel by now.

Strung by the harsh words of the maiden, Jennifer runs off like a wounded animal

into the fog and enters the grimy labyrinth of Zoho, the Joy Town.

Meanwhile, at the middle of the maze, we find her sister, Dawn, already waist

-deep in the quicksands of sin, arriving for work at a dirty little cabaret

known to time -out readers as the Comic Strip.

Spurred on by sisterly love, Jennifer moves deeper into the jungle of the big

city, her heart beating in her mouth.

Have a nice day.

Past axemen and junkies.

Past horse and woman flesh.

Through dismal courts and alleys, peopled with sharks and harpies and

all getting rich.

in hell.

So Jenny steps over the corpse, leaving those nightmarish visions behind.

She spies the friendly shape of a London bobby looming out of the night.

Lost and alone, she reaches out to him.

knowing she can rely on his help.

Oh, well, another illusion shattered.

But in riot -torn Britain, can you really blame a young Bobby on the beat

losing his marbles?

Sorry, love, you'll have to get a date to set, you know what I mean?

I'm just the guide for Brecht tours of London, you see that? It's great there,

isn't it? It's all these people making money out of looking like Marilyn Monroe

and Humphrey Bogart. I look like a fucking East Yemen playwright. I mean,

are you supposed to do with that, eh? You're not going to pay me to start a

fucking campariad, Bert, are you?

Bert or Brecht meet the smog monsters, it's not on, is it? You silly bit. And

over here we see the Two Eyes castle, where Larry Ponds first picked up Billy

Fury and Marty Wilde and Vince Egan.

before naming them in bed.

At last, Jennifer's courage is rewarded

as she stumbles across the awful crew that leads her to her sister dog.

That's my sister's dog.

Yeah, she lent it to us.

Come on, we're going out of our cameras now, okay?

Come on, anybody else?

Meanwhile,

backstage, the sleazy, greedy club owners Raymond and Paul are counting

ill -gotten gains.

Honey.

Monkey. Giraffe.

What is it? There's no toilet paper.

How come there's no toilet paper in here?

Okay, okay.

I'm ready to go.

Is everybody in?

Monkey's away?

Okay, go.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening. Welcome to the comic strip.

Now, as you probably know, the comic strip is a whole new concept in

entertainment. And my name's Lexie Sauer, and I'm actually an alternative

comedian. I'm not funny.

The thing is, I'm non -racist, I'm non -sexist, so don't laugh at me, you

fucking fascist shitbag! Okay,

Martin Borman, stag party, okay.

I'm Jewish, say it loud, I'm Jewish and proud.

If that's alright by you, I mean, I don't want to get into heavy trips or

anything, but, um...

See, the only good thing about being Jewish, right, apart from the free

that is, or if you're a Zionist, the ability to nick somebody's country

you were there 2 ,000 years ago.

Oh, yes, political satire, yes.

This is what we've come from Islington for, yes.

The only other good thing about being Jewish is if you want a day off work,

right, you just go up to the boss and you say, I can't come in tomorrow, you

know, it's Flanagan.

Or it's Rostra Schachter tomorrow, you know.

I've got to sit in the backyard with a pork pie on me.

Anyway, I've been filmed for Albanian television, so I'm going to do some of

readings from the poetry of Enver Hoxha, the president of Albania, in Albanian,

with subtitles in Semaphore for the harder thinking, right?

Ah,

fuck it.

There's obviously no Albanians in tonight.

Good! This fucking Albanian goes to the job on the building site, right?

Cabaret?

I'll tell you the secret of cabaret. Get the money in. Yeah, yeah, but to get

the poppy in, you have got to be funny. Yeah, then you're laughing.

Because if you're not funny, then you're not getting the money in. And nobody's

laughing.

Yeah, it's a funny business comedy.

Very serious business comedy.

Um, I,

uh, actually, I was up in Liverpool a couple of weeks ago, you know, and I was

actually up there in Liverpool 8, you know, entertaining the troops.

They call me the rioter's sweetheart.

I've been here three whole weeks now.

When am I going to get my break?

When am I going to get famous?

When are you going to give me a job?

Why? Why?

Darling, darling, you have no talent.

Acting it cool.

I can do it. I can. Look. Look at this. Look.

Yes. Yes.

Go down on me now. Yes.

The news was standing in front of the mirror when you was a kid. It did,

didn't it? Standing in just your junior wife's front, looking at yourself,

weren't you?

Going, ooh, you're not nice in them dirty girls. You are...

And you'd get some of your mum's lipstick, wouldn't you? You'd put it

mouth and there were lines all over your body, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah.

You'd remember, you'd smile and I can see that you did, yeah.

Yeah, you'd put lines there, you'd get your underpants, you'd put them all

underneath your armpits like that. You'd get your dad's crash helmet and you'd

jam it on your head really tight, yeah. It's coming back to you now, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. That's right. Big pair of industrial gauntlets, pull them on

tight. Big pair of fishing wellies, you'd get a tin of oxtail soup, you'd

the oxtail soup in your wellies. You'd jump on them down, you'd bang your head.

Anyway big enthusiastic build -up for the first act but ladies and gentlemen

Arnold Brown

And I wish they'd leave me alone.

I come from Glasgow.

Why not?

You know Glasgow at the moment under the Tories, the deprivation, the two -year

waiting list for people who want to vandalise telephone kiosks.

Last Christmas I went back to see my home place.

The plaque still hangs bravely in the wind.

1936 to 1956, Arnold Brown was socially deprived here.

We had the other difficulty in Glasgow of my father being a... And the

shame on Saturday nights of him being constantly thrown into pubs.

Excuse me, Arnold.

Who are these people, I asked my mother and father.

These people, Arnold, are the middle class.

How would you join?

Easy by the observer.

So I brought the observer, struggled with the adverts, took my supplements

a good little boy.

And here I am, happily, almost proudly, living in Hampstead, London, NW3.

care about people.

Above all, we care about ourselves.

But it's not all hedonism and hamster titties.

Last night, we were all out demonstrating the Men Against Sexism

the Punch and Judy show in the community center.

So much work to be done.

And tomorrow night, we're all out on picket duty, the silent vigil outside

white sugar factory in Croydon.

got to do it.

Yes, I'm going to do it.

You're not going to stop me.

I'm never going to stop you.

Good night.

Archie, how are you? How are you, Archie? We were just talking about you.

are one of our favourite comedians. When do I get paid?

It's right you should ask that, Archie. When do I get paid?

Anyway, I'm...

I'm going to introduce the next act now.

And this next act has been flown in at absolutely no expense and absolutely no

worth. What do you think of that?

A pound?

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, a big warm comic strip welcome.

Yeah, it sounds like a big warm comic strip welcome.

But ladies and gentlemen, The Outer Limits.

Thanks a lot. You're top. Good

evening,

we are The Outer Limits.

So, relax.

I'm Kenneth, a photographer.

I take pictures of little girls.

Sometimes these pictures get in the magazine.

Page three.

My friends call me Lady Di, because I like working with children.

Where are we at?

We're not after him.

I'll tell you what's going to be very big money soon.

Fiber optics.

Then bendy tubes that doctors look down.

The inside pictures.

Cheeky shots of the ovaries.

Full frontal shots of the fallopian tubes.

Unborn children discovering for the first time the full sensuality of their

partially formed bodies.

Fibro -optics.

Stop shouting! I'm not shouting! That's a personal...

Think twice!

Arden?

Why aren't you flying low tonight? Okay, here we go now. Little dirty things.

Come up your legs. Get down, you bastard. They come through the walls and

wires in your head. I don't mind anyway. What, me paranoid?

Okay,

nice warm feeling. Here, didn't you kill my brother?

Ladies and gentlemen, a big welcome, please, for the Dangerous Brothers.

green things right here okay three four four

good evening ladies and gentlemen we are the dangerous brothers brothers my name

is Richard Dangerous and this is Adrian Dangerous they are very much unusually

dangerous I just don't agree we'll have to open the ceiling with a little joke

at least I'm not to give you a little contortionism.

Yes.

Yes.

your box, Mr. Swery. Fucking can't you hang up? Fucking can't you hang up? I

don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Can you knock it on the head? I don't have to remember any of this now because

it's all written on the inside of me head.

Right.

Next piece. The next piece is a Cockney Mod performance art dance piece.

It's titled a phrase often heard in Alan Mint accounts.

It's called Hello John Got A New Motor.

Mark Freak, Colt Tina, White Wall Tires, Doggy On The Back Shelf, Names On The

Windscreen, Sven and Kierkegaard.

And you can join in with the words, right, if you're telepathic, that is.

There's a quick joke for all you telly peps.

A bit fucking risque, like, you know, basically politically sound, right?

Hang on, that's coming off, must get a smaller head, right.

Cockney mob performance art dance piece, you fucking cunt.

A one, two, a one, two, three, four. Hello, John, got a new motor?

Hello, John, got a new motor?

You're going to mess with the carpet.

He helps me to mess in the carpet. He lost his bottle in Barnsley. He lost his

bottle in Barnsley. He's an evil representative.

He's an evil representative.

There has to be a moral somewhere, but fuck knows where it is.

Still, time has passed, and we know these people a little better.

And where are your troubles now?

They're outside.

Where is your de chevaux, turned over and burnt, or the Snoopy stickers

into the ground?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like... to introduce you to

a band I met at Nevworth.

A big welcome, please, for Alexei's Midnight Runners.

Hello, Nevworth.

Okay. Hey. Woo. All right. Woo. Okay. All right. Woo. Okay. All right. Hey.

All right. Okay. Okay.

Now, there's been a lot of racial trouble in the world these days, you

Blacks and whites, Russians and Afghans.

Don't know why they pick on them. I think they're fucking nice dogs.

There's only one device that can solve all this racial conflict.

What is it? Is it a big melting pot?

No!

Is it a model railway set?

No!

Is it a pop -up toaster?

Outro Music

problems by singing along with a simplistic fucking lyric contained in

Oh no, you've got to do the dance as well.

So I want everybody to do the pop -up toaster. Now one, you've got to give

yourself a slice of bread, you're going to be home meal, I don't mind.

Two, you've got to put your hand on your head, that's around the top of your

neck where all the shit comes out.