All language subtitles for The Catherine Tate Show s03e05

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:31,540 you some questions individually, and all you have to do is answer me, and I will 2 00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:32,540 mark you for the exam. 3 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:34,960 So, let me begin with Lauren. 4 00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:37,700 Ça va, Lauren? 5 00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:41,940 Oui, 6 00:00:43,740 --> 00:00:45,460 Lauren, il faut que vous parlez en français. 7 00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:47,940 Lauren, 8 00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:51,640 it's a French oral exam. You have to try to speak in French. Whatever. 9 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,300 Lauren, s 'il vous plaît, quel âge avez -vous? 10 00:00:55,980 --> 00:00:59,220 I... I don't know, ask me in English. 11 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,280 Lauren, it's a French oral test. 12 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,820 But I ain't a French oral. 13 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:12,420 What? I'm an English oral. So if you want to ask me a question, ask me in 14 00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:15,940 English. Lauren, French is an important language. 15 00:01:16,140 --> 00:01:16,899 Not for me, eh? 16 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:19,960 It can teach you a lot about your own language. Thank you. 17 00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:22,220 Lauren, you have to try to make an effort. No, I don't. 18 00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:23,880 It's a beautiful language. 19 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:25,920 Miss, have you got airy armpits? 20 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:28,619 I beg your pardon? 21 00:01:28,620 --> 00:01:31,580 Are you scared of razors, miss? No, I'm not. Are they expensive in French land? 22 00:01:31,740 --> 00:01:32,259 No, they're not. 23 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:33,320 Well, why don't you buy one, then? 24 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:34,520 How dare you? 25 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,000 Miss, were you in a la -la -la? 26 00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:40,360 No. Miss, say good morning. 27 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,680 No. Go on, just say good morning. 28 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,640 No. Go on, say good morning. No, I'm not going to say that. Please, miss, just 29 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:47,640 say good morning. 30 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:48,740 Say good morning. 31 00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:50,079 Good morning. 32 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,080 You were in a la -la -la. 33 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,140 Right, Lauren, that's enough. I'm not going to stand here and listen to this 34 00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:58,480 kind of xenophobic abuse from a stupid girl who is too ignorant to even learn 35 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,840 the language, let alone understand the people. I will fail you for this test, 36 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,420 which means you will get an F for the entire module. 37 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,000 Absolutely appalling. Do you behave like this at home? 38 00:03:12,219 --> 00:03:17,620 I'm proud to call myself French. 39 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,780 Our nation has produced some of the finest examples of culture 40 00:03:27,580 --> 00:03:29,140 contribution to modern civilization. 41 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:35,340 And you, young lady, if you bothered to pay the slightest attention in my 42 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,340 lessons, might benefit also. 43 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,440 Have you been eating garlic? 44 00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:50,500 I can't believe it. Our first home. 45 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:51,399 I know. 46 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:52,760 I never thought we'd exchange. 47 00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:57,040 And you've got the panoramic view you've always wanted. Yeah, 18th floor. 48 00:03:58,460 --> 00:04:01,620 Oh, I'm just going to get a bag of knick -knacks. Oh, you and your knick 49 00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:02,620 -knacks. 50 00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:04,420 I'll see you up there. 51 00:04:33,419 --> 00:04:34,960 I can't do this anymore. 52 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:37,340 I don't like this any more than you do. 53 00:04:37,660 --> 00:04:39,060 I shouldn't be here. 54 00:04:39,740 --> 00:04:40,760 You're all I think about. 55 00:04:44,460 --> 00:04:45,460 No! 56 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,120 Cut there. 57 00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:50,980 Is everything all right? 58 00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:52,600 Yeah. Fine. 59 00:04:54,020 --> 00:04:55,100 Is something wrong? 60 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,420 No. 61 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,380 Let's just start again straight away. 62 00:04:58,740 --> 00:04:59,880 I'm just going to take two. 63 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,300 I can't do this anymore. 64 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,100 I don't like this any more than you. 65 00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:08,560 I shouldn't be here. 66 00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:10,400 You're all I think about. 67 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:23,260 Let's just do one more. Can you maybe make it a little more truthful this 68 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:28,430 Yeah. Yes, yes, sure, sir. I thought I was, actually. 69 00:05:28,710 --> 00:05:31,170 But no, cool, let's do another one. 70 00:05:31,450 --> 00:05:34,210 Sorry. No, don't worry about it. Let's do one more. OK. 71 00:05:34,410 --> 00:05:37,830 I can't go on like this. 72 00:05:38,290 --> 00:05:39,950 I don't like this any more than you do. 73 00:05:40,190 --> 00:05:41,210 I shouldn't be here. 74 00:05:41,770 --> 00:05:42,850 You're all I think about. 75 00:05:45,210 --> 00:05:47,690 Oh, well, if you're going to be like that about it, missus. 76 00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:49,870 Is that any better? 77 00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,630 OK, we're going again. 78 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:57,570 Yeah, we're going to be losing it a little at the end there. 79 00:05:57,830 --> 00:05:59,070 Do you? Right. 80 00:05:59,370 --> 00:06:00,370 OK, sorry. 81 00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:02,070 What do you mean? 82 00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:03,230 Well, 83 00:06:03,470 --> 00:06:04,890 it's your voice, Ashley. 84 00:06:05,210 --> 00:06:06,430 Oh, that's odd. 85 00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,070 I'm sorry. 86 00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:09,329 It's fine. 87 00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:15,170 Yeah, it's just beginning to slip into something else that's not quite you. 88 00:06:16,690 --> 00:06:17,690 Right. 89 00:06:18,130 --> 00:06:23,310 Oh, hold on. I'm not doing my Frankie Howard, am I? 90 00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:25,220 Yes, that's exactly it. 91 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,180 It's a bit like Frankie Howard. 92 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,520 Oh, I've had that note before. 93 00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:32,200 It's something I do with my mouth, apparently. 94 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,020 I'm amazed that you spotted that. 95 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,400 It's come across quite broad, actually. 96 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:37,800 Is it? 97 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,320 Oh, I'm a bit freaked out by that. 98 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,640 It's about this thing about film, isn't it? I mean, it just picks up the 99 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,920 slightest thing. Yeah, right. 100 00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:50,180 So, ready to go again? Yes, yes. No, I absolutely know what you mean. Yeah. 101 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,960 OK. Let's set off one last time. 102 00:06:54,969 --> 00:06:56,270 I can't go on like this. 103 00:06:56,670 --> 00:06:58,390 I don't like this any more than you do. 104 00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:00,270 I shouldn't be here. 105 00:07:00,990 --> 00:07:02,130 You're all I think about. 106 00:07:13,790 --> 00:07:14,790 No! 107 00:07:15,630 --> 00:07:18,430 Sorry, keep rolling, keep rolling. This is the one, this is the one. Give me the 108 00:07:18,430 --> 00:07:19,430 cue line. 109 00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:20,810 You're all I think about. 110 00:07:21,110 --> 00:07:22,110 Don't say that. 111 00:07:22,490 --> 00:07:23,570 Love you so much. 112 00:07:25,650 --> 00:07:27,390 Oh, no. What? 113 00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:31,390 No, well, that's a big one. Oh, yes. 114 00:07:31,770 --> 00:07:37,970 Oh, no. What? Shut your face. No. Down in the meadow in a little pretty pool. 115 00:07:38,030 --> 00:07:39,030 One, three. 116 00:07:39,370 --> 00:07:40,370 One, 117 00:07:40,950 --> 00:07:44,290 what? No. Shut your face. What? No. 118 00:07:44,650 --> 00:07:45,670 Oh, yes. 119 00:07:46,090 --> 00:07:47,910 No, Mrs. What? 120 00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:50,290 Shut your face. Shut your... 121 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,180 I think that was the line. 122 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,480 Sunday and Monday, happy days. 123 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,800 Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days. 124 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,080 Thursday, Friday, happy days. 125 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,200 Saturday. What a day. 126 00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:14,820 Running all week with you. 127 00:08:15,420 --> 00:08:16,420 Morning, 128 00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:20,500 Mark. Morning, Georgie. How was your weekend, pet? 129 00:08:20,780 --> 00:08:21,920 Lovely, thank you. 130 00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:24,140 Michaela went to a sleepover party. 131 00:08:24,730 --> 00:08:25,910 Did she have a good night? 132 00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:29,990 Or did she wake up in the morning with her pyjama button sodden and another 133 00:08:29,990 --> 00:08:30,990 mattress ruined? 134 00:08:32,909 --> 00:08:34,409 No, it was fine. 135 00:08:34,750 --> 00:08:37,770 Hey, that's champion news. 136 00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:41,330 Can I borrow your nice non -sliphole puncher? 137 00:08:43,070 --> 00:08:45,490 Sure. I'll tell you what it is. 138 00:08:46,530 --> 00:08:51,350 Me and some of the other girls down at the Weir side work in Mother's Club 139 00:08:51,350 --> 00:08:52,590 a little fundraiser. 140 00:08:52,970 --> 00:08:53,970 Oh, another one. 141 00:08:54,070 --> 00:08:55,450 What are you doing this time? 142 00:08:55,930 --> 00:08:58,490 We're pulling a Boeing 747. 143 00:09:01,030 --> 00:09:05,450 From Whitley Bay to Tynemouth using only the B roads. 144 00:09:07,490 --> 00:09:12,850 For all the little folk in the North East area who suffer from sex addiction. 145 00:09:14,390 --> 00:09:15,390 Sex addiction? 146 00:09:15,690 --> 00:09:17,510 Is that a big problem in the North East? 147 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:21,350 Did you know that one in four families... 148 00:09:21,610 --> 00:09:26,270 Settle down to watch telly of a Saturday evening, knowing in their hearts 149 00:09:26,270 --> 00:09:31,290 they're going to have to endure the distraction of Dad hunched up at the end 150 00:09:31,290 --> 00:09:33,010 the sofa knocking one out. 151 00:09:35,790 --> 00:09:36,850 It's only noise. 152 00:09:37,550 --> 00:09:40,370 If you don't believe me, log on to the website. 153 00:09:41,230 --> 00:09:48,210 www .hownicetomeetyou .co .uk forward slash cannot trouble you for a 154 00:09:48,210 --> 00:09:49,230 soapy tit wank. 155 00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:55,830 I'll put you down for. 156 00:09:58,270 --> 00:10:00,010 Let's say three pounds. 157 00:10:02,450 --> 00:10:03,470 Three pounds? 158 00:10:04,650 --> 00:10:08,910 I'm not sure you quite understand the scale of this epidemic, Martin. 159 00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:15,750 Every 38 minutes, one of these poor little unfortunates, through no fault of 160 00:10:15,750 --> 00:10:21,010 own, ducks into the nearest delicatessen, sinks his old fella into a 161 00:10:21,010 --> 00:10:22,370 hummus and starts pumping away. 162 00:10:25,870 --> 00:10:27,870 Sorry, George, it's just a bit hard at the moment. 163 00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:34,010 Sorry, I didn't mean... Aye, that's it. 164 00:10:35,310 --> 00:10:36,310 Laugh it off. 165 00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:42,930 How would you like it if every time someone rubbed up against you in home 166 00:10:43,150 --> 00:10:48,790 you had to sneak off into bathroom fittings for a swift -hand shindig? 167 00:10:51,630 --> 00:10:52,690 I'm really sorry. 168 00:10:53,050 --> 00:10:54,050 Four pounds. 169 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:55,600 £4? 170 00:10:55,960 --> 00:11:01,120 For all those poor little lasses who cannae even go to the post office to buy 171 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:04,480 boot of stamps without sitting on the cashier's face. 172 00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:08,780 It's my absolute top. 173 00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:10,900 £4 it is, then? 174 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:15,440 I've just had one of those weeks. Well, then let's say no more about it because 175 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,300 I wouldn't want it to come between us. 176 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:20,840 Is that a new blouse, Georgie? 177 00:11:24,949 --> 00:11:27,230 I'm not. Didn't you wear it before? Looks nice. 178 00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:34,190 That'll cool you down, you horny little beggar. 179 00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:40,670 Oh, 180 00:11:40,670 --> 00:11:47,170 Mummy, 181 00:11:47,490 --> 00:11:52,810 I do enjoy our visits to Guillaume. He really is the greatest charcuterie in 182 00:11:52,810 --> 00:11:53,810 London. 183 00:11:59,850 --> 00:12:01,210 Good God in heaven above. 184 00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:02,750 What is it? 185 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,890 I must have taken a wrong turning. 186 00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:10,730 We seem to have driven into a place called... Tottingham. 187 00:12:13,510 --> 00:12:14,530 Mummy, look! 188 00:12:15,070 --> 00:12:16,070 What's that? 189 00:12:18,850 --> 00:12:22,210 Shall we feed him? No, if you do that, he may follow us home. 190 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,270 Mummy, this is scary. 191 00:12:32,650 --> 00:12:36,350 We must remember the time we were on safari in the Serengeti. 192 00:12:37,210 --> 00:12:41,650 We keep the windows and doors locked and don't let the locals see the windscreen 193 00:12:41,650 --> 00:12:43,910 wipers moving in case they try to rip them off. 194 00:12:45,070 --> 00:12:46,290 Mummy, look at this. 195 00:12:48,130 --> 00:12:49,170 Yes, I've got it. 196 00:12:50,410 --> 00:12:52,690 I think they sell... Sell what, Mummy? 197 00:12:54,050 --> 00:12:55,050 Frozen food. 198 00:12:59,830 --> 00:13:04,420 Now, try not to panic, but the traffic lights... are red and there's a man 199 00:13:04,420 --> 00:13:07,000 standing next to them with a bucket of dirty water and a sponge. 200 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,640 Smile and look out front. 201 00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:47,920 Well, it's a day at the coast, isn't it? We're on our way to Filey because I 202 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:52,160 wanted to look round the Museum of Victoriana and Ray fancied a fish 203 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,980 Best fish and chips in Europe. 204 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:59,020 Mind you, we didn't go straight there, did we? We stopped off in Castleford to 205 00:13:59,020 --> 00:14:00,040 see our Valder. 206 00:14:00,580 --> 00:14:01,580 Big mistake. 207 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,800 So we get there and she's only having a charity coffee morning. 208 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,780 A coffee morning for charity. 209 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,880 This is in Castleford. 210 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:12,920 So we knock on the door. 211 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,220 Listen to this. 212 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,080 And it's 50p to get in. 213 00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:19,340 50p to get into her house. 214 00:14:19,820 --> 00:14:21,320 Steve, it's for the blind. 215 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,360 It's not even a house, it's a bungalow. 216 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:28,600 So we step in and she asks us to take her shoes off. She's not even a Muslim. 217 00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:32,800 We both went to the lounge and the world and his wife were there. 218 00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:34,060 At 50p a pop. 219 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,940 Except for the Aynsworth. 220 00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:40,280 who'd all gone to Huddersfield cos their Jessica's got another interview at 221 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,480 Huddersfield University. 222 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,340 She'll not get in. 223 00:14:43,540 --> 00:14:45,800 So she brings us over a coffee. 224 00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:48,520 Valder. Listen to this. 225 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:53,580 She says, I hope you don't mind, but I'm allergic to dairy. 226 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,080 She can't eat milk. 227 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:58,740 And you'll never guess what she's made the coffee with instead. 228 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,580 This is unbelievable. 229 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,740 What did she call it? 230 00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:04,660 Rice. 231 00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:06,230 Light. 232 00:15:06,730 --> 00:15:07,730 Don't ask. 233 00:15:08,410 --> 00:15:09,990 Rice. Light. 234 00:15:11,550 --> 00:15:13,730 Do you know what it is? Wait for it. 235 00:15:15,090 --> 00:15:16,090 Milk. 236 00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:17,970 Made from rice. 237 00:15:19,470 --> 00:15:20,470 Rice. 238 00:15:21,350 --> 00:15:22,350 Milk. 239 00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,990 The dirty bastard. 240 00:15:25,870 --> 00:15:30,250 They get a bit of rice and they squeeze it. And what comes out the end, they 241 00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:32,790 stick in a carton and call it rice milk. 242 00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:37,620 He went mad, didn't you? Don't get me wrong. I'm as broad -minded as the next 243 00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:41,400 man. He once shook hands with a fella who was definitely a little bit 244 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,900 effeminate. But I'm not having that. No way. 245 00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:45,560 But that's not it. 246 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,760 She gives us a bill for the coffee. 247 00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:49,400 Tell him how much. 248 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,620 £1 .50 each. 249 00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:55,200 £3 in all. 250 00:15:55,900 --> 00:15:59,120 Two coffees, shit milk, £3. 251 00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:01,700 Even Dick Turpin wore a mask. 252 00:16:03,370 --> 00:16:04,750 I came out with the wrong shoes. 253 00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:11,130 The dirty, evil, lactose intolerant bastards. 254 00:16:14,110 --> 00:16:15,910 So he finally proposed? 255 00:16:16,450 --> 00:16:20,730 Yeah. He asked me last night. It was so romantic. That is fantastic. 256 00:16:21,070 --> 00:16:22,070 Congratulations. 257 00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:23,609 Thank you. 258 00:16:23,610 --> 00:16:25,670 I'm absolutely delighted. 259 00:16:25,930 --> 00:16:29,490 That is so exciting. I'm going to get married. 260 00:16:31,930 --> 00:16:34,510 Oh, hang on a minute. I'm just going to go and get a bag of monster lunch. Okay. 261 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,040 Night day. 262 00:17:18,619 --> 00:17:19,619 Smacking. 263 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,579 Beautiful on the heath this time of year. 264 00:17:23,020 --> 00:17:24,880 The crisp or tamal air. 265 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,420 The crackle of leaves underfoot. 266 00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:28,840 Knock her out. 267 00:17:42,820 --> 00:17:45,080 I had a tall skinny latte earlier. 268 00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:46,460 I know the feeling. 269 00:17:54,730 --> 00:17:55,369 help you do? 270 00:17:55,370 --> 00:17:57,890 Well, I was wondering if I could help you. 271 00:17:58,470 --> 00:17:59,470 How do you mean? 272 00:18:00,110 --> 00:18:01,750 Would you like to join me in there? 273 00:18:03,470 --> 00:18:04,470 In there? 274 00:18:05,190 --> 00:18:06,190 For what? 275 00:18:08,050 --> 00:18:09,050 Some fun. 276 00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:10,390 I beg pardon? 277 00:18:10,650 --> 00:18:16,390 I was wondering if you and I could get together for some fun. 278 00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,130 Yes, I heard that bit. 279 00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:19,450 Come on then. 280 00:18:20,230 --> 00:18:21,230 Unleash the monster. 281 00:18:26,430 --> 00:18:27,830 Do you mean you're not? 282 00:18:28,030 --> 00:18:29,870 Me dear, me dear, gay dear, no dear. 283 00:18:30,430 --> 00:18:35,570 Just because a man knows the entire dance routine for making your mind up, 284 00:18:35,570 --> 00:18:40,130 rip and all, you accuse him of bowling from the pavilion end? 285 00:18:41,390 --> 00:18:43,610 I'm sorry, I thought you were cruising. 286 00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:48,270 Cruising? I've never been so insulted. 287 00:18:48,970 --> 00:18:50,910 What can I say? I've made a mistake. 288 00:18:51,470 --> 00:18:55,270 25 years my mother and I have been cabin on this piece and I've never in all 289 00:18:55,270 --> 00:18:58,670 that time been accused of being a chutney ferret. 290 00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,550 I am so sorry. 291 00:19:03,050 --> 00:19:04,050 Cruising for... 292 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,480 Jelly Deals. 293 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,460 This is in London. 294 00:19:31,460 --> 00:19:36,080 The Dirty Evil Cockney Bastards. 295 00:19:43,060 --> 00:19:44,160 Morning, Neville. 296 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:45,920 How are you diddling? 297 00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:47,260 Looks about all right. 298 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,160 Yourself? I stopped my feet, Neville. 299 00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:51,420 It's been a while. 300 00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:06,900 that fella. 301 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,340 Who's that fella, Vern? 302 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,620 Big fat bloke with a beard. 303 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,160 Got an eye for the ladies. 304 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:15,840 Got an eye for the ladies. 305 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:17,320 Lunch chicken. 306 00:20:17,660 --> 00:20:18,660 Jeff Cates. 307 00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:20,900 No, he never leaves the house. 308 00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:23,260 Oh, what's his name? 309 00:20:24,740 --> 00:20:25,800 Henry the Ape. 310 00:20:27,380 --> 00:20:29,000 What, the Tudor King of England? 311 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,500 I didn't think he was around anymore. 312 00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:32,940 That's what I thought. 313 00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:38,790 But it turns out he's been went to the Very nice. 314 00:20:39,870 --> 00:20:45,730 Oh, he did laugh. 315 00:20:46,330 --> 00:20:48,530 So what was he doing around here, then? 316 00:20:48,890 --> 00:20:52,190 He was on a sponsored bike ride with that Anna Cleaves. 317 00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:55,570 Nice 318 00:20:55,570 --> 00:21:04,350 one, 319 00:21:04,470 --> 00:21:05,470 Vern. 320 00:21:05,550 --> 00:21:08,950 the minute they cycle off, they get a puncture going into the slick wall. 321 00:21:09,330 --> 00:21:10,470 She weren't happy. 322 00:21:10,950 --> 00:21:12,810 She weren't happy what she found. 323 00:21:13,510 --> 00:21:14,510 Oh, dear. 324 00:21:15,030 --> 00:21:18,650 Apparently, she didn't want to go on a bike ride in the first place. 325 00:21:18,950 --> 00:21:22,850 She wanted to go shopping in Argos and pick up one of them snapped -together 326 00:21:22,850 --> 00:21:23,850 shelving units. 327 00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:28,410 If you want to watch them, the brackets can be a bit wobbly. 328 00:21:29,130 --> 00:21:30,130 Any sauce? 329 00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:31,710 No, thanks. 330 00:21:32,850 --> 00:21:33,870 Can I pay you tomorrow? 331 00:21:34,250 --> 00:21:35,250 You are... 332 00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:53,320 Can you believe an hour ago we were stuck in traffic? 333 00:21:53,580 --> 00:21:54,840 Oh, it's great, isn't it? 334 00:21:55,740 --> 00:21:56,900 Really refreshing. 335 00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:58,680 I feel so alive. 336 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:00,840 Isn't it peaceful? 337 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,200 I'm just going to get a bag of mini cheddars. 338 00:22:39,310 --> 00:22:41,110 guest has been out in the town enjoying herself. 339 00:22:41,390 --> 00:22:44,990 Now, we took her to see a top West End show and then we treated her to tea at 340 00:22:44,990 --> 00:22:48,850 the Ritz. And here she is to tell us all about it. Will you please welcome Joni 341 00:22:48,850 --> 00:22:49,850 Taylor! 342 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,680 Oh, it's lovely to see you. Why don't you go and sit down on the couch? Come 343 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,080 love. Hey, have a look at it, all right? Are you all right? 344 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:23,460 Hattie, sit yourself there. I've had a couple of guineas round the back. 345 00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:29,860 Are you all right? Oh, I'm a bit choked up, darling. You'll be OK. 346 00:23:30,380 --> 00:23:31,380 Oh, here we are. 347 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,940 So, tell us, where have you been? 348 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:37,420 I've been to the theatre. 349 00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:40,420 Oh, have you? We've been to see Billy... 350 00:23:41,390 --> 00:23:43,570 If you don't mind. Oh, it's fantastic. 351 00:23:44,570 --> 00:23:46,670 Oh, and what a story, though, sweetheart. 352 00:23:46,890 --> 00:23:53,610 It's about the closure of the mines, a community ripped apart, but somehow they 353 00:23:53,610 --> 00:23:56,530 managed to soldier on through the magic of dance. 354 00:24:00,350 --> 00:24:03,890 Now, we did all this for you because your grandson got in touch with us. 355 00:24:04,250 --> 00:24:07,930 Oh, he's a beautiful boy, he is. I don't know what I'd do without him. Because 356 00:24:07,930 --> 00:24:09,290 he loves you, you see, darling. 357 00:24:09,710 --> 00:24:12,770 Oh, yeah, well, he watches you all the time because you haven't got a job, see, 358 00:24:12,890 --> 00:24:13,890 you know. 359 00:24:14,630 --> 00:24:15,630 Where is he? 360 00:24:15,970 --> 00:24:16,970 Where is he? 361 00:24:16,990 --> 00:24:17,990 Have a look. 362 00:24:18,490 --> 00:24:20,930 Have a look. He's sitting there with all the old girls. 363 00:24:24,010 --> 00:24:26,210 He thought you deserved a little bit of a treat. 364 00:24:26,790 --> 00:24:30,190 And he also told me that there's something in your house that you're not 365 00:24:30,190 --> 00:24:31,190 fond of. 366 00:24:31,310 --> 00:24:32,950 And now he died five years ago. 367 00:24:35,050 --> 00:24:37,190 I think he was talking more about your armchair. 368 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:40,270 Oh, it's a rotten old thing. 369 00:24:40,850 --> 00:24:44,750 Oh, I'm embarrassed when people come up my house to see it. I've tried to get 370 00:24:44,750 --> 00:24:45,689 rid of it. 371 00:24:45,690 --> 00:24:49,170 They won't do nothing about it. I rang up the council. I said, take it away. 372 00:24:49,230 --> 00:24:51,070 They won't do nothing. They don't want the work, see. 373 00:24:51,290 --> 00:24:54,010 You have a look at that screen over there. There you go. See it? 374 00:24:54,290 --> 00:24:55,290 Let me see it! 375 00:25:01,580 --> 00:25:04,800 Now, here's your chance now to finally get your own back on that chair. 376 00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:08,820 What am I going to do, blow it up? Blow it up. Blow up me chair? 377 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,360 Yeah. What, now? 378 00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:13,680 Yeah, just give it a good push, Mrs Taylor. Can you manage it? Yeah. 379 00:25:16,620 --> 00:25:22,680 And me chair's on fire in a field. 380 00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:25,620 Oh, it's marvellous, that, isn't it? 381 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,520 Now, have a look at this. Yeah. Have a look at this over there. That's my 382 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:30,720 Yeah. 383 00:25:31,660 --> 00:25:34,760 And you've got a brand new state -of -the -art armchair. 384 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:38,460 You 385 00:25:38,460 --> 00:25:45,640 been 386 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:46,640 in my flat? 387 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,040 Yeah, I asked her so, you know. You been inside my fucking flat? 388 00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:57,020 Listen, it's a fabulous chair. It's got an electrically heated seat. 389 00:25:57,500 --> 00:26:00,060 What are you trying to do, burn me fucking arse off? 390 00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,880 side of it, I bet you went right down the post office and cashed that, didn't 391 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:12,780 you? You're no good scarce bastard. 392 00:26:15,860 --> 00:26:18,620 What a fucking liberty. 393 00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:25,940 And to cap it all, you've sent me packing down to watch that pile of old 394 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:31,180 All the little fairy boys dancing about in tutus. 395 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,200 I bet you've seen it, ain't you? 396 00:26:52,430 --> 00:26:53,430 Pissed from here. 397 00:26:55,490 --> 00:26:56,930 Paul O 'Grady? 398 00:26:57,410 --> 00:26:59,270 What a load of old shit! 399 00:27:08,790 --> 00:27:15,050 What are you doing here? 400 00:27:15,590 --> 00:27:16,970 This is my baby too. 401 00:27:26,190 --> 00:27:27,190 push me back. 28113

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