Original subtitles

This is literally my favourite. You've seen this. Have a look.

Del Boy.

He's grown a moustache and become a policeman.

Where's a little pork pie hat and a Macintosh? Oh, he does look shy.

A touch of frost.

Who is it?

A touch of frost.

Well, put the fire on then, you silly bastard.

Now, you see, what it is, Gavin, is stick, kick, stick, kick. Hands, hands,

hands, palms.

You see, it's all in the wristband.

Hey, everybody.

Sorry. I'm so sorry I'm late.

Can you settle down?

I'm afraid we've no time for a warm -up tonight. We're going to crack straight

on. Based on your improvisations last week, I've cast the Christmas pantomime

the following manner.

Julie Wishall, Cinderella.

Gavin Nelson, Prince Charming. Yes.

Leonard Mincing, Baron Harder.

Cliff and Wallace, the ugly sisters.

Pat and Ross, the comedy policemen. And finally, Judy Warrington will be prompt

corner again. Sorry, Judy.

And everybody else will be magical animals in the musical forest. Can you

that everybody gets a script?

Excuse me. Excuse me, Ursula.

Yes, Derek.

I think there seems to be some sort of mistake, dear. Being a senior member of

the Gillies All Players, I think you'll find I usually take quite a large part,

if you follow my meaning.

Oh, I'm sorry, Derek. I missed you out.

Of course you have a main character.

Yes, here you are. You're playing the Christmas Fairy.

I beg pardon?

You're the Christmas Fairy.

What on earth are you insinuating?

I'm not insinuating anything.

Oh, my goodness.

You don't for a second think this has anything to do with you being gay, do

You've been given the part purely on your brilliant improvisation last week.

I beg your pardon?

I said you were given the part purely based on your improvisation.

Yes, I heard that bit.

And it has nothing to do with you being gay.

I've never been so insulted.

You mean you're not gay?

Oh, dear me, dear gay, dear no, dear.

Just because a man shapes his eyebrows and likes a bit of Shirley Bassey, you

accuse him of parking his bike up the dirt track.

How very dare you.

I'm sorry, Derek, I don't know what to say.

I thought you were gay, Derek.

Yeah, I always thought you were gay.

What?

I think I've bent over backwards for you, Lord.

Hang on a minute.

She thought you were gay. You say you're not. What's the problem?

Who invited you to the party, dear?

I'm just saying, I don't see why you should be so offended just because

thinks you're gay.

No, well, it's not your name and reputation being besmirched all over the

is it, dear?

Well, I'm very proud to be a gay man.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, gay, dear. Yes, dear, I can well believe it.

And what's wrong with that?

Look, dear.

You may choose to spend your time waving your ding -dong to other men in public

toilets, but we don't need it shoved down our throats.

I think we've heard enough. As director of this group, I... Director!

Don't make me laugh. You couldn't direct piss into a bucket, dear.

No!

playing Baron Ardon, you've got another thing coming.

Come on, Leonard, we're off.

Ali! Hello, Mark.

Fabulous party.

Well, a party's only as good as its guests.

Have you met Simon?

No, hello, I'm Ali. Hello, I'm Simon Green. I'm Managing Director of

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm just on my way to the kitchen. Can I get you a drink?

OK, I'll have a lager.

Uh, yeah, I'll have a Coke, thanks.

Okay, um, would you like me to take your hat?

I'm sorry?

Um, would you like me to hang your hat up? It's getting quite warm in here.

I'm not wearing a hat.

One orange juice.

Un jus d 'or.

One lager and one hat. Hair wig.

And I'm sweet.

You only get one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow, because opportunity

comes once in a lifetime.

Yo.

We are so going to win this.

Million pound recording contract, can you believe it?

That is fierce.

All right, just be cool, be cool, be cool, all right? Hello, everybody.

My name's Richard Park.

Delighted to see you all here. I think without very much more ado, I'd like to

get on with the action, if you don't mind.

First off, it's going to be Lauren Cooper, Lisa Jackson and Ryan Perkins.

Hi, guys.

All right.

We are the Fly Girl Collective featuring MC Perkins.

Big it up, big it up, big it up.

In your own time.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity and for blessing us with this talent and

for delivering us into the final. Amen.

Keep it real.

Easy.

love for saying do i love you boo i love you too i miss you a lot that's why i

flew you out

all over the world for many, many years.

Seen some really good ones, some great ones, and some bad ones as well.

However, that was simply the worst thing I have ever seen.

No, you need to hear it again, because we were out a little bit in the middle,

and you were losing the beat. I was fine on it, man. No, I can't afford to carry

you no more.

Carry?

You couldn't carry a hand?

than watch my own feet burn, sitting in my own feces, being force -fed my

intestines rather than hear that song again.

Your name?

MC Perkins. MC Perkins. I thought, actually, you handled the rap quite

Uh, Lisa?

It is.

It is.

Lisa, it was all right.

And Lauren, is it?

Flag of Lauren from the Flag of Electricity.

You can't sing.

You can't dance.

You've got no image. It sounds like a stabbed cat.

You're a disgrace to singing.

You're a disgrace to music.

Actually, you're a disgrace to this school.

Am I bothered?

You should be bothered. Well, I ain't bothered.

You are bothered. You must be. Why would you go... No, I ain't even bothered. Do

I look bothered?

Well, why would you go... Are you farming cows?

What? I don't even farm cows.

Look, what...

What's that got to do with it?

I'm giving you advice. Do you like Patrick Hilton?

I beg your pardon, I do not.

Are you Patrick Hilton's bitch?

What?

I'm a pop item. No. I've got what it takes, mate. You have not. Do you manage

Will Young? Do you manage Will Young? You have not. Who's Alex Park?

Do you manage Will Young? Oh, Will Young.

You are.

You'd like to be here.

Rubbish. Look,

he sees.

I'm not bothered that you're not bothered. What I'd like you to do is

yourself and your little friends off the stage. I'm going to carry on here and

I'm going to continue this search for real talent.

Turning the lights on now, then, Margaret.

Oh, lovely.

You ready, then?

Yes, yes.

Turning them on now, dear.

Michael, for goodness...

So we're doing a bit of last -minute Christmas shopping.

Listen to this.

And generally, when we're in town at Christmas, we'll have a Christmas dinner

Darley's, won't we?

It's a pound more than the carvery, but, I mean, that time of year, everybody

goes a bit mad, don't they?

Listen to Darley's. Listen to this.

And my sister Betty's in there with her husband, Laurie.

Well, you went mad, didn't you?

The son of 23 and P's the bed. I ain't got time for him.

So we thought we might as well try the food court at the Prospect Centre,

we? Famous last words.

So we get into the food court and they're not doing Christmas dinner, are

17th of November and they're not doing Christmas dinner.

Signs up saying the council won't let them sell Christmas dinner till

Well, I mean, it's political correctness gone mad, isn't it?

So earlier we'd been given one of those buy one, get one free voucher, you know,

for the food court.

This is unbelievable.

So they said, that's fine, but it's only redeemable at one counter.

Taste of the Caribbean.

Don't ask.

Ray said they only did that to see if he were a racist, but he called their

bluff, didn't you?

How can I be a racist?

My great -grandfather was a midget.

So, we get this Caribbean food, don't we?

Listen to me.

Caribbean curry and... What were the name of that thing with it?

Plantain.

And you'll never guess what were in the curry.

What meat they'd used to make the curry with.

Now, this is unbelievable.

Good.

They've made curry with a goat.

Goat? Curry?

They've made curry out of a goat.

Dirty bastards.

That ain't it.

Tell them what them plantains were.

Fried bananas.

This is in Cleethorpe.

Goat curry and fried bananas.

I was looking for Jeremy Beadle.

Fried bananas and goat curry, £8 .50.

And that was with the voucher.

The dirty, evil, robbing bastard.

No more vouchers, please.

I did. I did press.

Yeah, I know. To be honest with you, it's only supposed to be used in

emergencies. Oh!

If you just let it go, I'll put it back. Let it go, love. Actually, let it go.

Let it go.

Ow!

Right, now I think what we need is a bit of fresh air, don't we?

That's it.

Mind how you go now.

Oh, my God, mince pies.

Deep fins.

Oh. Oh, hello.

Do you know where Mrs Jacobs is?

Oh, you just missed her. Is anything important?

Well, I was meant to give her these pills, but I forgot.

Where was she supposed to take them? Tuesday.

Oh.

It's only Thursday now. I wasn't worried. Oh, I'm all over the place

I got lost twice. I was late for my rounds and...

I keep forgetting to dispense the medication.

Something tells me you're new.

How did you know?

Oh, God, I've been a nurse for a long time. You know, you just sort of pick

these things up, you know what I mean?

Do you want to help me make a bed?

I'm Arthur.

No, Arthur.

That's a bit of an unusual name.

It's not often you see a female nurse.

name. I just prefer it.

Oh, you mad bitch.

You've probably seen me looking at you in the canteen.

Oh, well, a lot of the nurses look up to me. What can I say? I suppose I'm a bit

of a role model to them, you know, but if you've got it, flaunt it.

Oh, you've definitely got it, Bernie.

Oh, thanks, Arthur. That's sweet.

At first, I wasn't sure whether you'd be up for...

A bit of fun.

Oh, well, you've got to, haven't you? I mean, you can get too bogged down in the

whole saving lives thing round here.

Actually, I was thinking of going out tonight. Fancy a bit of karaoke.

What do you say?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, I love singing!

When I start with a day...

personality to match.

I know you feel the same way, Bernie. No, I think you've got me wrong,

Arthur. You know, I mean, I've got nothing against the old moth munchers,

Oh, it's not really my sort of thing, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I like

bit of patsy climb, but that's about as far as I'm willing to go.

Nurse Bernadette!

I thought I'd seen everything, but now you're seducing the female staff.

No, sister, I can actually explain.

the men in this hospital?

Well, not all of them. There's a couple of lads in A &E I wouldn't... Both of

you, in my office, now.

You can't sack us just because we're gay.

That's right.

What you choose to get up to in the privacy of your own homes is entirely up

you. But you... No, wait a minute.

You're not lumping me in the same category as this mad fanny basher.

Your sexuality is not the issue here. Oh, yes, it bloody is. For the love of

God, would you ever listen to me? I like a bit of cock.

Here we go. This looks like our man.

Oh, no, ma 'am, that's not him. And how do you know that?

Because that's not him.

That's not my informant.

So what have you got for us?

What? Come on, I haven't got all day. Tony Bonito, where is he? I need an

address. Ma 'am, she isn't... Whittaker.

When I need your help, I'll ask for it, OK?

I've been dealing with scum like this since you were in Napa.

Benito, where is he?

I'm sorry, I don't know who you're talking about.

Well, perhaps this will help you think more clearly.

Oh, ma 'am. All I need is one address in East London, so name your price.

200?

300?

OK, this is my final offer.

400. Whittaker.

I know.

My methods are somewhat unorthodox, what can I say?

Sue me.

What do you say?

All this for one address in North London.

I think he lives in Holloway.

Yeah, Flat 1, Holloway Road.

Flat 1, Holloway Road.

I think that's where he lives.

And I think we finally understand each other.

Now move it, I don't want to see your face around here again.

You see, Whittaker, the red ant can lift eight times its own body weight.

Yet it can take Eamon home.

20 minutes to get up out of an easy chair.

Sorry, but I've been working for two months to corner Tony Benito.

My informer has never let me down before.

But thanks to you, he probably saw all that going on, did a runner, and now

never hear from him again.

What's the matter, you? Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

Where's your car?

Hey.

Even nicer place.

Oh, shut up, you face.

One

word.

Haggis.

This is on New Year's Eve.

They're dirty.

Mum, what's happened?

I can't tell you. Why not?

Because you ain't going to believe it. Tell me what you've done, babe.

You are going to think I am an absolute, total, 100 % nutter.

Well, I know that already, don't I? Come on, spit it out.

Well, you know we always do a secret Santa in the office last day?

Secret Santa?

Yeah, you know, where we all put our name in a hat and then we all draw out

name and buy a present for that person.

Except now we aren't allowed to spend more than a fiver. since last year Gabe

Simon's bought Lisa a nice pair of gloves and that bloke in account's got

right ump because he said that makes him look tight and he didn't even know the

person he was supposed to buy for and he thinks it's a stupid game anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember, yeah. Well, this year, I've only pulled

out the hat.

No!

No Shelley!

I know!

I thought that's all I need, innit, after last year's fiasco.

What happened last year, babe?

Well, she got really excited because she wanted the best of Jamie Cullum, but

she ended up with a bumper pack of Inlet, which is a bit much because she

five o 'clock shower at the best of time.

Nightmare! I know, we were treading on eggshells all year.

So what did you do?

Well, I thought, what am I going to do? But anyway, it turned out all right.

week, she turned to me and she said, Sam, if Secret Santa ain't sure what to

me, tell him I want a pair of big silver hoop earrings like Christina Reguilera.

So I bought the earrings, I wrapped up the earrings, I put the earrings under

the tree.

And then, we're all unwrapping our presents.

What's happened now?

Shelly's got her present. She's unwrapped it. She's opened it. She's

one look. She said, cheers, babe, but I don't smoke.

Don't smoke?

What was she on about?

I thought, what's she on about?

And then I looked over and she's only holding a packet of cigars.

What's she doing with it?

You know what I've done, don't you? I've only mixed up her earrings with those

cigars I was going to give to you.

is going to lock you up one day. Bang me right up, won't I? What are you like?

I'm a lunatic!

Who is Christina Aguilera?

Oh, hello!

Bye, bye, bye, bye.

You hear something?

happens to me.

Love, I didn't expect to see you here today.

Feeling better?

Fighting fit.

That's it, Maggie Johnson.

There's a surprise there. Don't you like this then, Maggie? Isn't it lovely, eh?

Good luck to Benny.

Benny's here and he's got his hat on. Don't you look smart? Oh, that's it.

Hi, I'm Morris. Here we are again.

Here, I shall have a little drink with you later, sweetheart.

That's it. Oh, isn't it lovely, eh? Oh, yes, sweetheart.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

the old faces, eh?

Don't they fucking stink?

I'm so glad you could make it, Mrs Taylor.

Oh, I know, father.

Oh, I love you, Taylor.

Nice to see you, Jamie.

Can I get you both a nice cup of tea?

Oh, no, don't get him nothing, darling. He drinks it all day. He ain't got a

job, see.

Yes, please, two sugars for both of us. I'll take that.

Here.

Have you seen the state of the people in here?

I don't know where they come from, really, I don't. I ain't never seen a

like it.

I mean, have a look, that woman over there, she's got head the size of a pig.

They're volunteers.

Volunteers? Have you seen them? I don't know.

They look like the fucking monsters.

Dan, please.

the country, do you?

That fella with the turban and the hook.

They said they was going to have a celebrity here today.

Now, don't be so rude. That's Malcolm. You know him. He usually wears a

prosthetic hand. He must be having a new one made.

Well, you'd think he'd have the decency to stay at home till he had it done.

I shouldn't have to look at that.

I mean, fair's fair. It's Christmas, not fucking Halloween.

I've ate before I came out.

I ain't touching that muck.

Actually, it's the Gordon Ramsay recipe.

Who is it? Gordon Ramsay.

Well, that's what I was to tell you. Don't stop swearing.

No. Oh, no, I can't watch him.

Effing this and effing that.

No, no, that's diabolical, that is.

£126 I pay.

£126 I pay for a television licence to listen to that.

Nan, you're a pensioner. You don't pay for your TV licence.

Yes, I know that, but I've still got to listen to him swearing, haven't I?

God, nothing, Ramsay.

What a fucking... Jamie,

would you mind helping me with the sound system?

Sure, you'll be all right, no?

No.

Malcolm, do you want to come and sit with Mrs Taylor for a while?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Malcolm's our administrator.

Ah, good to see you.

Do you know, we've got a real mixed bag of people here today.

Don't we just?

I think the news of our celebrity guests must have leaked out, you know. I've

never seen so many people here.

Yeah, isn't it lovely?

Father Elliot asked me to help with the PA system, but I'm afraid at the moment

things like that can be a bit fiddly for me.

Oh, yeah, what's that, Sam?

This really?

Oh, I can't say I noticed, actually.

Really?

Yeah, that's because I'm a bit old -fashioned like that. You know, I tend

judge people by the way they look.

Oh, hey, that was quick.

Yep, we're all up and running.

Nan, this is Charlotte. She's going to be singing today.

Hello. Oh, hello, darling.

Hello, Charlotte. I'm Malcolm. We met before.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? You'll have your fingers off with that.

It's really nice. See you again, Charlotte. I really do appreciate you

We've all been really so excited.

Mrs Taylor, I hope you enjoy your day.

Yeah, well, we ain't staying all day.

Nan, you know who this is, don't you?

Charlotte Church.

Yeah, you said, yeah, it's always lovely to meet you, Charlotte.

No, Nan, it's Charlotte Church.

Do you remember?

Charlotte Church.

Of course I fucking remember. You only told me a minute ago.

No, Nan, Charlotte's the singer you like.

Singer?

Have a look.

I'm a Charlotte Church.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, don't you look beautiful, darling.

Oh, and I remember when you was a little girl and you used to sing all them

little opera songs.

Oh, I must say you look... Beautiful in real life, isn't it? Thank you very

much. Cos every time I see you in them magazines, you're as pissed as arse,

aren't you?

I

mean,

everywhere you look, there's photographs of you rolling around drunk.

Charlotte Church, voice of an angel.

liver of a wino.

I'm surprised you're paying time to come here tonight, darling, because I

thought you spent most of your time falling out of clubs.

Well, actually, I spend most of my time singing.

Oh, well, I expect you do, sweetheart, because my friend Jeannie, yeah, she

likes a shant.

She usually gives everyone a song when she gets flattered.

Stuffed in the magazines is just an image the press has created for

No, your Nana's right. I do like a drink. Maybe once I've done my bit, we

all have a bevy together later?

Oh, isn't it lovely, Freda? I'll tell you what. You go and sing your song, and

then after that, you two lovebirds can have a last little drink on your own. No

interruptions. That's it.

No, please.

I'm sorry, I've got a boyfriend.

Yeah, we think he probably has as well.

Would you all please welcome to St Thomas' Community Centre, Miss Charlotte

Church.

Why do you always do it? Why do you always put me in embarrassing

Embarrassing situations? You want to talk than enough with celebrities? Well,

I'm sat there with metal fucking mickers.