Original subtitles

obscene call I've had this week.

Stop bothering me, you pervert.

Oh, you're sick.

You're slimy. You're sordid.

Could you hold, please?

Hello?

Yes, I'll put you right through.

I'm back. Where were we?

Hello?

Oh, well.

Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Carol, I need a four -letter word.

Well, you've come to... the right person. I just heard them all.

I'm doing a crossword puzzle in this month's Mother Goose magazine.

Now, just complete the following sentence.

The blank ran away with the spoon.

Jerry, what difference does it make as long as they were consenting utensils?

Dish! I got it. Dish.

Hi, Jerry. Hi, Carol. Hi, Bob.

I got one for you, Bob.

What did the cow jump over?

I don't know, but I hope it wasn't my car.

Hi, Carol. Is my group all right? Yes, Bob. Your jailbirds are waiting for you.

Can't you think of a term a little more dignified?

Oh, I'm sorry, Bob.

From this day hence, I'll refer to them as jail fowls.

What's this? What's this? You're treating convicts now, are you, Bob?

Jerry, it's a group of men I met some months ago. They weren't there in

and when they were released, I kept them together as a group and, you know,

helped them find work.

That's great.

How many of them found jobs?

None. Hey, good work, Bob.

I was held up. Anybody we know?

Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Ortiz. I want to thank you all for coming.

We would never miss one of your sessions, Dr. Bob.

The last time we met, you were going to think of some long -range goals.

Mr. Hawkins, would you like to tell us some of the goals to which you would

to work towards?

How many questions did you just ask?

Well, Dr. Harley, I'd like to be a millionaire playboy with several

yacht, three airplanes, and a pad full of women.

Men, I do believe women. You know, the kind of women that know when to turn the

light down low. You know what I mean?

Kind of make your body just kind of... Would you just hold that thought?

I intend to, Doctor.

Mr. Brody, how about you?

Well, after talking it over with the members of my family, they've decided I

should go into politics.

I'm going to run for alderman.

And I'll win by 12 votes.

Gee, that was a close one.

Yeah. The rest of them turkeys get elected, then go to the can.

Al here got his prison term out the way first.

You want to hear my campaign speech?

not keeping your campaign promises.

I got a goal, Dr. Bob.

Because I like to dress nice and work with people, I would like to be folk.

I believe that job's already taken.

You're kidding me.

How's he working out?

You seem to like him.

The problem here, gentlemen, is that so many of your goals are far -fetched.

Have any of you thought of working in a field where you had some experience?

Say, you just might be right, Doc.

Now, why should I have to kick around out there in them streets looking for a

job when I can make $600 a day doing what I did before?

Finding things before they were lost.

And you know where that got you, Mr. Taylor.

You know, Doc's got a point, man.

Yeah, but we've been out of the joint for six weeks now, and we ain't no

to a job than we've ever been. Yes, and you say it was just a matter of time,

Dr. Hadley. Well, I still believe that, and eventually something will break for

you. May I interject a sour note here, Bob?

Only if you have to.

Gentlemen, I believe my lovely wife Justine and I are growing apart.

Why do you say that?

Well, yesterday when I awoke...

Justine, the children, and all the furniture were gone.

Maybe she just went to the store.

No, she wouldn't take the furniture.

I'm afraid it's the end.

She says I'm not trying hard enough to get a job, that I'm spending too much

time with you guys.

So she left.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I won't pretend it doesn't hurt.

Last night I drank myself silly.

Four straight glasses of a very dry, very expensive white wine.

I can't remember the vintage.

Don't be so upset, man. I always forget the vintage.

Hey, come on. Be cool, cop.

We're all with you, man.

Yeah, man, don't worry about it. You know, there's plenty of fox in the

I'd be lost without these guys, Bob.

They're my rod and my staff.

We come for him.

some of us black, some of us white, some of us Ortiz.

But we all had one thing in common.

Your friendship.

No.

Justine can't stand any of us.

Well, Walter, I suppose this means goodbye, my love. It just wasn't meant

We'll see each other again in another life.

is Mrs.

Lita Landy.

Maybe they'll pick your card next time.

Oh, I would always cry when I see that old movie.

Oh, yeah.

I know what you mean.

I have a movie like that, it just tears me up. You do? Which one?

Beach Blanket Bingo.

I went in that cello, catch this Frankie Avalon kissing some beach bunny. I

mean, I'd rather not talk about it.

Good. Hey, Howard, what was the rope?

Well, I was kind of hoping you'd tie me up and gag me.

You doing this just to cheer me up?

No, I'm reading this book about Houdini, and he explains some of his great

escapes. I'd just like to try one.

Oh, Howard, this is the silliest thing you have ever done.

I resent that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's not the silliest thing you've ever done.

It's better.

Okay, tie me up.

Okay. The other one.

Now, don't make this easy.

Okay. You're about to see the struggle of man against him.

Howard, listen.

Are you really sure that you know what you're doing? Are you kidding? I could

this trick with my hands tied behind my back.

Now, whatever I say, don't take that gag out of my mouth. Oh, Howard, you're not

going to be able to say anything with this gag in your mouth.

That's easier than I thought.

Okay.

You okay, Howard?

Good. I'm going to get dinner on the table.

Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

How was your day?

Not great.

Tatum and the group end today, and I'm kind of worried about him. Oh, well,

you just sit down and relax, and I'll get you a drink.

What's new with you, Howard?

Never mind.

Howard read a book on Houdini and he's practicing his escapes.

Oh, and I thought it was going to be something silly.

So, the guys are having a hard time, huh?

Very. They've been on the street for six weeks and still haven't found a job.

Oh, that must be so frustrating for them.

Only when they get frustrated, they want to get together and talk about it and

they... Done a lot of talking lately.

Oh, that's good. At least they have each other to rely on.

I'm not sure it is. I mean, they're so busy consoling themselves, they don't

have time to look for a job.

Well, honey, just forget about it for tonight. Come on and relax and have a

dinner. Good idea. I'm starved.

Oh,

roast beef.

Uh -huh.

the napkin goes in your lap.

It's very heavy today. I hope I'm not too late.

Oh, I just took some papers in to Bob and Mr. Copelson was reading his latest

manuscript. Oh, then I am too early.

And so because my writing always meets with such enthusiastic response, I've

decided to be a professional writer.

My first work will be a non -fiction opus about my experience in prison

Birdman of the Illinois... State Institution of Correction.

That should grab them, huh, Bob?

Right where they live.

Well, we're rapidly running out of time. There is something I need to discuss

with you.

What's up, man?

I think those schedules will be planetary.

Well, Bob, this says I'm supposed to come in on Wednesday now.

And I've got Tuesday.

Hey, where is this, Doc? I don't understand, Dr. Bob. We are a group.

A franchise is a wonderful thing, but it's not a living. I mean, you have to

out and look for work.

Hey, that's jive, Doc.

Just yesterday I went downtown to check out five prospective jobs.

You should try somewhere else.

Listen, five noses is enough for me, man.

I went on over to Hawkins House and we had a beer.

I look for work, Dr. Bob.

I circle all the interesting ads in the newspaper until I ran out of ink.

And then I went over to Brolio's house to borrow a pen. He didn't have one. So

we went to shoot some pool.

See, that's just what I'm talking about.

I mean, it's good to have friends, but you're going to have to learn to

as individuals.

As a matter of fact, just last week I could have had something, but, hey, I

didn't have the bread.

What was that, Hawkins?

Well, you know, a few careers ago, I used to be a barber.

Then the other day, I saw this little barbershop to sell. That's all.

Hawkins, you could buy that barbershop if you had the money.

Sure. I could buy the new Orleans Superdome if I had the money.

Which do you want?

I have some friends who are always looking for a good investment.

Oh, yeah?

Would you let me use the place as my campaign headquarters?

You got it, Mr.

Alderman. Good boy. You want a partner?

I used to cut hair in the joint, man, you know?

Hey, man, I remember that.

Fantastic, brother. You hit it.

You're going to need someone to take care of the place.

Oh, these hopper boys.

Guys, I've never been one to toot my own horn, but I do have a talent for

putting words to paper.

I'm a good PR man.

It's funny. You don't look like a Puerto Rican.

Hey, let's all go check out this place. Or

you

could all go in business together.

Plenty of stairwell?

This time I'm going to do a really great trick.

Guess where I'm going to escape from.

This planet.

No, this trunk.

Howard, are you sure that trunk is safe?

Sure at a risk, but that didn't stop Houdini.

Houdini laughed at danger.

Now,

no matter how I plead, how I beg, do not unlock this trunk, okay?

Lock it up.

There you go.

Why don't I keep him out of the way for a while?

Hi, Harry. Hi, dear.

Is this all mail?

Emily, who was inside the trunk?

Bob, of all the people you know in this world, who would lock themselves inside

a trunk in our living room?

How you doing, Howard?

You got my word on it.

I know what the shipping rates are to Guam.

Want a drink, honey?

Yeah.

How was your day?

Busy.

First, Mr. Tatum called to tell me how well the barbershop was going. Oh,

nice. Yeah, then Mr. Ortiz called to tell me how well the barbershop was

Oh, that's nice.

Then Mr.

Cobblestone called, and he told me how well things were going at the barbershop

in great detail.

Oh, yeah.

At least you're getting nice reports.

Yeah, I don't know who they're trying to convince, me or them.

I mean, eventually they're going to have to split up, Emily, and the longer they

wait, the harder it's going to be.

Well, what if you get that?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr.

Hawkins. How are things going at the barbershop?

Yeah, that's what I heard.

Uh -huh. Of course, he's here. Just a minute.

He's using your head, Howard.

Hi, Mr. Hawkins. Is everything all right?

Sure, I can meet you there tomorrow.

You just want me to see how well things are going in person?

No, no, I don't think so.

I'll ask you.

Would you like to hear a barbershop quartet version of Boogie Fever?

Tell him I've got the album.

school for school.

How did you learn to talk like that?

Be cool, woman. We're in the street now.

Hey, Miss Hartley. Long time no see.

Hi, Mr.

Tatum.

Emily had to go shopping, so I brought her along. Hi, Mrs. Hartley. You are

wearing very nice boots.

Oh, thank you.

It's golf, but nice.

Mr. Ortiz here does all our shoe shining. How about it?

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Ortiz, but you see, these are suede.

Well, that's okay. I can change suede, just takes a little longer.

Maybe some other time.

Mrs. Hartley, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Al Brodio.

I want to end corruption in this city.

Oh, well, don't let me stop you.

Hi, Mrs. Dock.

You're looking real good.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Hawkins. Well, Bob, it looks like you got yourself a little

handy here.

I want you to know that we all think the world of your husband.

A man who sits with us, listens to us, discusses with us. You must be Mr.

Coppleson.

You may call me Steve, Emily.

Steve. My lovely ex -wife Justine used to call me Steve.

Now she just calls him Colette.

The boys like to give me a good ribbing now and then, but I just take it and

laugh it off because I guess that's the kind of guy I am.

These big lugs have seen me through trials. Hey, come on, Coppola, we only

11 more hours of daylight left.

Mrs. Hartley, you have to excuse Mr. Coppola and his long -winded meringues.

Hey, Dr. Hartley, how about a haircut? No waiting?

Yeah. I just had my haircut last week.

How about you, Mrs. Hartley?

Oh, well, I would love it, except, uh... I have got to pick up something at that

little shop next door, but, guys, I really would have loved it.

Say, Doc, what's she going to pick up at the tractor parts warehouse?

Oh, our hay baler's on the fritz.

Well, what do you think of our place, Doc?

Isn't it beautiful?

Yes.

How's business?

Business?

Well, it's a study.

How many customers you got today?

Well, it's kind of hard to count. Well, let's see.

How many customers have we had today?

Well, what does it say? Thursday?

Doc, can we count you?

Sure. Two.

I thought you said business was steady. It is steady.

Steady bad.

Well, we have a plan to stimulate our economy.

Yeah, so that's why we called you down. Doctor, get your opinion on our

advertising campaign.

We're going to have a contest.

Guess how many beans in this jar, and you win a free haircut.

Take a guess, Bob.

937. Is he right, Romeo?

I don't know.

Coppison counted them.

On the contrary, I thought Hawkins did it.

You mean no one has counted the beans in the jar?

Hey, man, how are we going to know how many beans in the jar?

Guess we're just going to have to wait till somebody guesses right.

You really think that gimmicks are going to make this business profitable enough

for all five of us? Hey, if that stuff don't work, we'll do something really

big. We'll give away a car.

Where are you going to get a car?

Are you kidding, man?

Come here.

You see those cars out there?

Pick one you like.

of something I have to talk to you about. What's that, Dr. Bob?

How would you like to be back in prison?

Hey, come on, Bob.

Because that's exactly what you're creating here, a prison. I mean, just

around you. You build a prison around each one of you.

My God, that's an interesting theory, Bob.

Would you care to elaborate on that?

Mr. Copelson, you wanted to write a book.

Well, I've been remiss in that regard, Bob. I've been devoting most of my

energies to the advertising campaign.

How about you, Mr. Ortiz?

Oh, well, I don't want to be Pope any longer, you see. I found out you have to

go to Rome and stay there for God knows how long. And my girlfriend, she

wouldn't go.

Quit the jive, Doc.

What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say that this is a two -man operation at best.

No,

no, he's right.

If they work hard, two guys could make it here.

But we're all in this together, man.

Well, then some of you are going to have to find something else.

Well, I suppose I could go to work with my uncle in the grocery store.

He always said I had a good hair for lettuce and a good ear for corn.

But you can see why I don't want to work with him.

Well, it's a start.

You are right, Dr. Bob.

Maybe I'll go and see him this afternoon.

Mr. Hawkins, can I keep this?

It will remind me of these nice days.

Hey, sure. It's yours, Ortiz.

Hey, nobody cost my hair but you guys.

Right on, little brother.

Adios, compadre. Take care, man. Adios.

Well, I guess it's time for me to go home and get back to work on my book.

Ideas are dancing in my head, Bob.

It's a book about a group of guys, all shapes and sizes, creeds... Mr.

why don't you go home and write it down, you know, before you lose it?

Good thinking, Bob.

Oh, it's a big story about big men overcoming big obstacles.

Guys who met when they were down with their backs on the canvas.

I'll never forget it.

It was a Tuesday.

I was wearing my gray pants.

Matter of fact, we were all wearing gray pants.

It was a gray day with gray walls and gray ceilings and gray men with gray

futures until these five men looked at each other and said, we don't have to be

gray. Oh, that's good.

Well, I'm going to.

Dr. Hartley, I can't win elections sitting behind a counter.

Well, I can, but it wouldn't look good.

Hey, man.

We'll pay you back for the store, huh?

Hey, I ain't worried.

I know where you live.

Hey, man.

Whoo!

Still got quiet in here.

Look, I'm, uh... I'm sorry I had to do that, but I... I really think it's for

the best.

You know, I'm really going to miss those guys.

Even Coppelson.

Yeah.

Well, ain't nobody left but us three soul brothers, huh, Doc?

Well, partner, what's next?

Well, I think the first order of business should be a haircut to our

Mm -hmm. It should be one along real soon.

He's already here.

And you're here.

No. Oh!

No,

I am penalty.

I can't expect you to carry that hay, baby.

Oh, hey, come on. Just relax, Doc.

We're going to give you one fine haircut.

Hey, T, what do you think Doc would look in an afro?