All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s06e15 Son of an Ex-Con Job

obscene call I've had this week.

Stop bothering me, you pervert.

Oh, you're sick.

You're slimy. You're sordid.

Could you hold, please?

Hello?

Yes, I'll put you right through.

I'm back. Where were we?

Hello?

Oh, well.

Probably wouldn't have worked out
anyway.

Carol, I need a four -letter word.

Well, you've come to... the right
person. I just heard them all.

I'm doing a crossword puzzle in this
month's Mother Goose magazine.

Now, just complete the following
sentence.

The blank ran away with the spoon.

Jerry, what difference does it make as
long as they were consenting utensils?

Dish! I got it. Dish.

Hi, Jerry. Hi, Carol. Hi, Bob.

I got one for you, Bob.

What did the cow jump over?

I don't know, but I hope it wasn't my
car.

Hi, Carol. Is my group all right? Yes,
Bob. Your jailbirds are waiting for you.

Can't you think of a term a little more
dignified?

Oh, I'm sorry, Bob.

From this day hence, I'll refer to them
as jail fowls.

What's this? What's this? You're
treating convicts now, are you, Bob?

Jerry, it's a group of men I met some
months ago. They weren't there in

and when they were released, I kept them
together as a group and, you know,

helped them find work.

That's great.

How many of them found jobs?

None. Hey, good work, Bob.

I was held up. Anybody we know?

Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Ortiz. I
want to thank you all for coming.

We would never miss one of your
sessions, Dr. Bob.

The last time we met, you were going to
think of some long -range goals.

Mr. Hawkins, would you like to tell us
some of the goals to which you would

to work towards?

How many questions did you just ask?

Well, Dr. Harley, I'd like to be a
millionaire playboy with several

yacht, three airplanes, and a pad full
of women.

Men, I do believe women. You know, the
kind of women that know when to turn the

light down low. You know what I mean?

Kind of make your body just kind of...
Would you just hold that thought?

I intend to, Doctor.

Mr. Brody, how about you?

Well, after talking it over with the
members of my family, they've decided I

should go into politics.

I'm going to run for alderman.

And I'll win by 12 votes.

Gee, that was a close one.

Yeah. The rest of them turkeys get
elected, then go to the can.

Al here got his prison term out the way
first.

You want to hear my campaign speech?

not keeping your campaign promises.

I got a goal, Dr. Bob.

Because I like to dress nice and work
with people, I would like to be folk.

I believe that job's already taken.

You're kidding me.

How's he working out?

You seem to like him.

The problem here, gentlemen, is that so
many of your goals are far -fetched.

Have any of you thought of working in a
field where you had some experience?

Say, you just might be right, Doc.

Now, why should I have to kick around
out there in them streets looking for a

job when I can make $600 a day doing
what I did before?

Finding things before they were lost.

And you know where that got you, Mr.
Taylor.

You know, Doc's got a point, man.

Yeah, but we've been out of the joint
for six weeks now, and we ain't no

to a job than we've ever been. Yes, and
you say it was just a matter of time,

Dr. Hadley. Well, I still believe that,
and eventually something will break for

you. May I interject a sour note here,
Bob?

Only if you have to.

Gentlemen, I believe my lovely wife
Justine and I are growing apart.

Why do you say that?

Well, yesterday when I awoke...

Justine, the children, and all the
furniture were gone.

Maybe she just went to the store.

No, she wouldn't take the furniture.

I'm afraid it's the end.

She says I'm not trying hard enough to
get a job, that I'm spending too much

time with you guys.

So she left.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I won't pretend it doesn't hurt.

Last night I drank myself silly.

Four straight glasses of a very dry,
very expensive white wine.

I can't remember the vintage.

Don't be so upset, man. I always forget
the vintage.

Hey, come on. Be cool, cop.

We're all with you, man.

Yeah, man, don't worry about it. You
know, there's plenty of fox in the

I'd be lost without these guys, Bob.

They're my rod and my staff.

We come for him.

some of us black, some of us white, some
of us Ortiz.

But we all had one thing in common.

Your friendship.

No.

Justine can't stand any of us.

Well, Walter, I suppose this means
goodbye, my love. It just wasn't meant

We'll see each other again in another
life.

is Mrs.

Lita Landy.

Maybe they'll pick your card next time.

Oh, I would always cry when I see that
old movie.

Oh, yeah.

I know what you mean.

I have a movie like that, it just tears
me up. You do? Which one?

Beach Blanket Bingo.

I went in that cello, catch this Frankie
Avalon kissing some beach bunny. I

mean, I'd rather not talk about it.

Good. Hey, Howard, what was the rope?

Well, I was kind of hoping you'd tie me
up and gag me.

You doing this just to cheer me up?

No, I'm reading this book about Houdini,
and he explains some of his great

escapes. I'd just like to try one.

Oh, Howard, this is the silliest thing
you have ever done.

I resent that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's not the silliest thing you've ever
done.

It's better.

Okay, tie me up.

Okay. The other one.

Now, don't make this easy.

Okay. You're about to see the struggle
of man against him.

Howard, listen.

Are you really sure that you know what
you're doing? Are you kidding? I could

this trick with my hands tied behind my
back.

Now, whatever I say, don't take that gag
out of my mouth. Oh, Howard, you're not

going to be able to say anything with
this gag in your mouth.

That's easier than I thought.

Okay.

You okay, Howard?

Good. I'm going to get dinner on the
table.

Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

How was your day?

Not great.

Tatum and the group end today, and I'm
kind of worried about him. Oh, well,

you just sit down and relax, and I'll
get you a drink.

What's new with you, Howard?

Never mind.

Howard read a book on Houdini and he's
practicing his escapes.

Oh, and I thought it was going to be
something silly.

So, the guys are having a hard time,
huh?

Very. They've been on the street for six
weeks and still haven't found a job.

Oh, that must be so frustrating for
them.

Only when they get frustrated, they want
to get together and talk about it and

they... Done a lot of talking lately.

Oh, that's good. At least they have each
other to rely on.

I'm not sure it is. I mean, they're so
busy consoling themselves, they don't

have time to look for a job.

Well, honey, just forget about it for
tonight. Come on and relax and have a

dinner. Good idea. I'm starved.

Oh,

roast beef.

Uh -huh.

the napkin goes in your lap.

It's very heavy today. I hope I'm not
too late.

Oh, I just took some papers in to Bob
and Mr. Copelson was reading his latest

manuscript. Oh, then I am too early.

And so because my writing always meets
with such enthusiastic response, I've

decided to be a professional writer.

My first work will be a non -fiction
opus about my experience in prison

Birdman of the Illinois... State
Institution of Correction.

That should grab them, huh, Bob?

Right where they live.

Well, we're rapidly running out of time.
There is something I need to discuss

with you.

What's up, man?

I think those schedules will be
planetary.

Well, Bob, this says I'm supposed to
come in on Wednesday now.

And I've got Tuesday.

Hey, where is this, Doc? I don't
understand, Dr. Bob. We are a group.

A franchise is a wonderful thing, but
it's not a living. I mean, you have to

out and look for work.

Hey, that's jive, Doc.

Just yesterday I went downtown to check
out five prospective jobs.

You should try somewhere else.

Listen, five noses is enough for me,
man.

I went on over to Hawkins House and we
had a beer.

I look for work, Dr. Bob.

I circle all the interesting ads in the
newspaper until I ran out of ink.

And then I went over to Brolio's house
to borrow a pen. He didn't have one. So

we went to shoot some pool.

See, that's just what I'm talking about.

I mean, it's good to have friends, but
you're going to have to learn to

as individuals.

As a matter of fact, just last week I
could have had something, but, hey, I

didn't have the bread.

What was that, Hawkins?

Well, you know, a few careers ago, I
used to be a barber.

Then the other day, I saw this little
barbershop to sell. That's all.

Hawkins, you could buy that barbershop
if you had the money.

Sure. I could buy the new Orleans
Superdome if I had the money.

Which do you want?

I have some friends who are always
looking for a good investment.

Oh, yeah?

Would you let me use the place as my
campaign headquarters?

You got it, Mr.

Alderman. Good boy. You want a partner?

I used to cut hair in the joint, man,
you know?

Hey, man, I remember that.

Fantastic, brother. You hit it.

You're going to need someone to take
care of the place.

Oh, these hopper boys.

Guys, I've never been one to toot my own
horn, but I do have a talent for

putting words to paper.

I'm a good PR man.

It's funny. You don't look like a Puerto
Rican.

Hey, let's all go check out this place.
Or

you

could all go in business together.

Plenty of stairwell?

This time I'm going to do a really great
trick.

Guess where I'm going to escape from.

This planet.

No, this trunk.

Howard, are you sure that trunk is safe?

Sure at a risk, but that didn't stop
Houdini.

Houdini laughed at danger.

Now,

no matter how I plead, how I beg, do not
unlock this trunk, okay?

Lock it up.

There you go.

Why don't I keep him out of the way for
a while?

Hi, Harry. Hi, dear.

Is this all mail?

Emily, who was inside the trunk?

Bob, of all the people you know in this
world, who would lock themselves inside

a trunk in our living room?

How you doing, Howard?

You got my word on it.

I know what the shipping rates are to
Guam.

Want a drink, honey?

Yeah.

How was your day?

Busy.

First, Mr. Tatum called to tell me how
well the barbershop was going. Oh,

nice. Yeah, then Mr. Ortiz called to
tell me how well the barbershop was

Oh, that's nice.

Then Mr.

Cobblestone called, and he told me how
well things were going at the barbershop

in great detail.

Oh, yeah.

At least you're getting nice reports.

Yeah, I don't know who they're trying to
convince, me or them.

I mean, eventually they're going to have
to split up, Emily, and the longer they

wait, the harder it's going to be.

Well, what if you get that?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr.

Hawkins. How are things going at the
barbershop?

Yeah, that's what I heard.

Uh -huh. Of course, he's here. Just a
minute.

He's using your head, Howard.

Hi, Mr. Hawkins. Is everything all
right?

Sure, I can meet you there tomorrow.

You just want me to see how well things
are going in person?

No, no, I don't think so.

I'll ask you.

Would you like to hear a barbershop
quartet version of Boogie Fever?

Tell him I've got the album.

school for school.

How did you learn to talk like that?

Be cool, woman. We're in the street now.

Hey, Miss Hartley. Long time no see.

Hi, Mr.

Tatum.

Emily had to go shopping, so I brought
her along. Hi, Mrs. Hartley. You are

wearing very nice boots.

Oh, thank you.

It's golf, but nice.

Mr. Ortiz here does all our shoe
shining. How about it?

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Ortiz,
but you see, these are suede.

Well, that's okay. I can change suede,
just takes a little longer.

Maybe some other time.

Mrs. Hartley, allow me to introduce
myself. My name is Al Brodio.

I want to end corruption in this city.

Oh, well, don't let me stop you.

Hi, Mrs. Dock.

You're looking real good.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Hawkins. Well, Bob,
it looks like you got yourself a little

handy here.

I want you to know that we all think the
world of your husband.

A man who sits with us, listens to us,
discusses with us. You must be Mr.

Coppleson.

You may call me Steve, Emily.

Steve. My lovely ex -wife Justine used
to call me Steve.

Now she just calls him Colette.

The boys like to give me a good ribbing
now and then, but I just take it and

laugh it off because I guess that's the
kind of guy I am.

These big lugs have seen me through
trials. Hey, come on, Coppola, we only

11 more hours of daylight left.

Mrs. Hartley, you have to excuse Mr.
Coppola and his long -winded meringues.

Hey, Dr. Hartley, how about a haircut?
No waiting?

Yeah. I just had my haircut last week.

How about you, Mrs. Hartley?

Oh, well, I would love it, except, uh...
I have got to pick up something at that

little shop next door, but, guys, I
really would have loved it.

Say, Doc, what's she going to pick up at
the tractor parts warehouse?

Oh, our hay baler's on the fritz.

Well, what do you think of our place,
Doc?

Isn't it beautiful?

Yes.

How's business?

Business?

Well, it's a study.

How many customers you got today?

Well, it's kind of hard to count. Well,
let's see.

How many customers have we had today?

Well, what does it say? Thursday?

Doc, can we count you?

Sure. Two.

I thought you said business was steady.
It is steady.

Steady bad.

Well, we have a plan to stimulate our
economy.

Yeah, so that's why we called you down.
Doctor, get your opinion on our

advertising campaign.

We're going to have a contest.

Guess how many beans in this jar, and
you win a free haircut.

Take a guess, Bob.

937. Is he right, Romeo?

I don't know.

Coppison counted them.

On the contrary, I thought Hawkins did
it.

You mean no one has counted the beans in
the jar?

Hey, man, how are we going to know how
many beans in the jar?

Guess we're just going to have to wait
till somebody guesses right.

You really think that gimmicks are going
to make this business profitable enough

for all five of us? Hey, if that stuff
don't work, we'll do something really

big. We'll give away a car.

Where are you going to get a car?

Are you kidding, man?

Come here.

You see those cars out there?

Pick one you like.

of something I have to talk to you
about. What's that, Dr. Bob?

How would you like to be back in prison?

Hey, come on, Bob.

Because that's exactly what you're
creating here, a prison. I mean, just

around you. You build a prison around
each one of you.

My God, that's an interesting theory,
Bob.

Would you care to elaborate on that?

Mr. Copelson, you wanted to write a
book.

Well, I've been remiss in that regard,
Bob. I've been devoting most of my

energies to the advertising campaign.

How about you, Mr. Ortiz?

Oh, well, I don't want to be Pope any
longer, you see. I found out you have to

go to Rome and stay there for God knows
how long. And my girlfriend, she

wouldn't go.

Quit the jive, Doc.

What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say that this is a two
-man operation at best.

No,

no, he's right.

If they work hard, two guys could make
it here.

But we're all in this together, man.

Well, then some of you are going to have
to find something else.

Well, I suppose I could go to work with
my uncle in the grocery store.

He always said I had a good hair for
lettuce and a good ear for corn.

But you can see why I don't want to work
with him.

Well, it's a start.

You are right, Dr. Bob.

Maybe I'll go and see him this
afternoon.

Mr. Hawkins, can I keep this?

It will remind me of these nice days.

Hey, sure. It's yours, Ortiz.

Hey, nobody cost my hair but you guys.

Right on, little brother.

Adios, compadre. Take care, man. Adios.

Well, I guess it's time for me to go
home and get back to work on my book.

Ideas are dancing in my head, Bob.

It's a book about a group of guys, all
shapes and sizes, creeds... Mr.

why don't you go home and write it down,
you know, before you lose it?

Good thinking, Bob.

Oh, it's a big story about big men
overcoming big obstacles.

Guys who met when they were down with
their backs on the canvas.

I'll never forget it.

It was a Tuesday.

I was wearing my gray pants.

Matter of fact, we were all wearing gray
pants.

It was a gray day with gray walls and
gray ceilings and gray men with gray

futures until these five men looked at
each other and said, we don't have to be

gray. Oh, that's good.

Well, I'm going to.

Dr. Hartley, I can't win elections
sitting behind a counter.

Well, I can, but it wouldn't look good.

Hey, man.

We'll pay you back for the store, huh?

Hey, I ain't worried.

I know where you live.

Hey, man.

Whoo!

Still got quiet in here.

Look, I'm, uh... I'm sorry I had to do
that, but I... I really think it's for

the best.

You know, I'm really going to miss those
guys.

Even Coppelson.

Yeah.

Well, ain't nobody left but us three
soul brothers, huh, Doc?

Well, partner, what's next?

Well, I think the first order of
business should be a haircut to our

Mm -hmm. It should be one along real
soon.

He's already here.

And you're here.

No. Oh!

No,

I am penalty.

I can't expect you to carry that hay,
baby.

Oh, hey, come on. Just relax, Doc.

We're going to give you one fine
haircut.

Hey, T, what do you think Doc would look
in an afro?