All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s06e13 Freudian Ship

Captain Hartley.

Ready to weigh anchor and heave to?

Emily, you don't know how much I'm
looking forward to this cruise. Oh, ten

-filled days of the ultimate sea -going
experience with a congenial crew that

will treat you like a king.

You sound like you swallowed the
brochure.

Bob, what's all that?

Oh, I thought I'd take along a couple
files, you know, to work on on board

if I went out of things to do.

Oh, honey, the whole purpose of this
trip is for you to relax and for us to

spend time together.

You know, you came home last night. You
fell asleep on the couch in front of the

television set. I mean, I thought you
were Howard.

All right, how about one plot?

It's Mr.

Carlin's.

All of that?

No, this isn't all of it, but we don't
have time to stop by the warehouse.

All right, I'll leave it all here.

You know, Bob, I'm really glad you
decided against the Von Voyage party.

You know, I don't want to get a lot of
clever little gifts.

I'm too beat to chuckle. Yeah. Hi,
there.

Uh -oh. Warm up your check, Larry.

All right, now, I know we promised no
presents, but I saw this. I said, Bob

Emily have to have it.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, a big course.

Oh, sure.

In case your boat springs a leak. Ha,
ha.

didn't want to part. Oh, come on, Bob,
just a little one. I mean, it's hardly

imported champagne.

Not on my salary. Hint, hint.

But I hear it's not too bad.

All right, just one. The only reason
I've never had Phil's champagne before.

What vintage is this?

Tuesday.

Oh, you lucky ducks.

I envy you ten fun -filled days on the
Caribbean, free to enjoy spacious

staterooms. fun -filled activities, and
unforgettable dining experiences.

I gave her one of our brochures.

Oh, and by the way, if any of my clients
have to get in touch with me... You

tell him he was captured by pirates, and
they won't be taking any messages.

Arr!

Oh, uh... Oh, Carol, by the way, thanks
for the cork and the champagne, but we

really should be getting... Look, now, I
know we said no presents, but let's

make a deal. I won't believe you when
you say no presents, and you won't

me when I say no presents.

Jerry, you really shouldn't have gotten
us anything.

Oh, I didn't free them. That's just for
Bob.

A dress?

Yeah.

You see, you wear that and they'll let
you on the lifeboat first.

Look at that, buddy.

Hysterical, Jerry.

Champagne, Jerry? Oh, sure. It wouldn't
be a Bon Voyage party without champagne.

Well, I'd hardly call this a Bon Voyage
party.

Hardly call this champagne.

Oh, great. You haven't left yet.

I know you didn't want to party, but I
couldn't resist giving you a little

Shark repellent.

Actually, this old sailor said once the
best thing to do when a shark attacks is

to punch him in the nose with your fist.

An old sailor? Yeah, I think his name
was Lefty something.

Champagne, Howard?

Do you have any fills?

would one serve on a Bon Voyage party?

Oh.

Tuesday, isn't it?

Well, Bob, we did it. We are finally not
home.

You know, I can't believe that Howard
isn't going to be popping in every five

minutes.

My name's Graham. I'll be your social
director for the cruise.

Let me just read off some of our
activities.

Swimming, shuffleboard, badminton, table
tennis, quoits, golf, skeet shooting,

bridge, charades, diamond sets,
discussions, debates, lectures,

songs, Bavarian folk dances. See you,
Graham.

Bob,

did he say skeet shooting?

I don't know. I'm still working on
quoits.

Emily, look, you can do whatever you
want to do. I'm going to relax and read.

Bob, I have always lived my life by one
basic philosophy.

Nobody should be forced to shoot a
skeet.

If you see me talking shop, taking down
notes, or even thinking about work, stop

me. Gotcha.

Who knows?

We may come up with an activity that
isn't even on the list.

Maybe that's what points is.

Keep my place.

Thank you, pardon?

Oh, come on now.

You remember that teacher's convention
in Dallas?

Soon as I saw you, I said, Mother, that
is Wally Babcock and his wife, Charlene.

How are you doing, Charlene, you cute
little devil?

We're not the Babcocks. Are you sure?

Oh,

that's too bad.

Well, we've learned to live with it.

Now, speak also here.

I'm Vern Hackler, and this here is the
little woman.

I'm Bob Hartley, and this here is Emily.

Well, looky there, mother. They got a
room just like ours. We're living right

here next door to you. Uh -oh.

Where we got that big picture of
Switzerland, all they've got to look at

ocean. That's too bad.

You must know somebody.

Do you two travel a lot?

Oh, sure, we've been all over. San
Antone, Hallettville, Beeville.

But I told a little woman as soon as I
retired I was going to take her around

the world.

You're going to be disappointed after
Beeville.

Well, that's what I tell her. See, this
is my idea.

If it ain't in Texas, you don't need it.

See, one reason Emily and I are taking
this cruise is we wanted to have some

time alone.

the picture.

Well, come on, Mother, come on, let's go
on past.

It was nice meeting you. Oh, likewise.
I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Mother, come on! Do you believe them?
Well, they sure are friendly.

A little bit of burn goes a long way.

Oh, honey, it's a big ship, hundreds of
people. We'll probably never see them

again.

Excuse me, I forgot to set something up
here.

Hartley Happler. Hey, boy, that's...
Dandy. Huh?

What? Well, we're going to be eating
together for the next ten days.

Hey,

over

here.

Well, so much for the theory that farm
people eat dinner early.

The little woman and me have been
waiting dinner on you two.

Vern ate ten rolls.

You know, the darndest thing happened.

The Hamiltons and the Harshmans, they
were sitting over there, and after five

minutes of real good conversation, they
decided to go eat in their rooms.

Oh, my.

They lasted five whole minutes.

What did you do before you retired?

I was teaching manual crafts at Harry
Truman High School.

And in my prime, I could make an entire
wallet in six minutes.

Does that include catching the cow?

You're just a funny dog. No, but I
believe in the old American saying that

is not a man unless he works with his
hands.

What's your line, Hartley?

I'm a psychologist.

Oh, God.

Well, Bob is one of the most respected
psychologists in Chicago.

I once secured a patient in four
sessions.

I just don't see paying money to cry on
somebody else's shoulder.

But, see, there are people who need help
with their problems.

Problems? Oh, shoot, Bob.

Whenever I have problems, I just go on
down to the Oasis Bar and have a few

laughs with the boys.

And there ain't no problems that a few
Boilermakers can't solve.

Well, Vern, see, sometimes... Now, look,
Bob, I'm all talked out. Emily, you

little devil.

How would you like to dance?

Oh, sure, girl.

You enjoying the cruise?

Are you talking to me?

Yes.

I asked if you were enjoying the cruise.

No.

But thank you for asking.

You don't like boats?

You may not believe this, but I...

I just cannot stand being called the
little woman.

Well, why don't you tell him it bothers
you when he calls you that? Oh, I

couldn't tell Vern a thing like that.

I couldn't say that to Vern.

See, this is none of my business, but
since you brought it up, I think you

to tell him how you feel about it.

Well, if I were your patient, Dr.
Hartley, is that what you'd tell me to

More or less, yes.

Oh, howdy!

That was terrific.

Emily, you are a one great little
dancer.

Well, you're a very interesting dancer
yourself, Vern.

Thanks for teaching me the two -person
bunny hop.

Well, darling, you've done just fine.

I only wish the little woman could dance
half that good.

What'd you say, Vern?

When they get older, you have to say
everything twice.

board, darts, or charades.

But I can better than anybody else on
this tub.

Nobody else is competing.

Oh, yeah?

You want to go one -on -one?

Name your event.

No, thanks.

Bob, you're worried about the hacklers,
aren't you?

I do feel responsible.

If I hadn't said that, Vern wouldn't
wind up with soup on his fly.

No, Bob, I'd like to help the hacklers,
too, but sometimes, you know,

Okay, okay.

All right, well, I'm going. I'm in the
middle of a scavenger hunt.

Listen, when you're hot, you're hot.

Want to come along?

No, I'm not in the mood to scavenge.

Just as well. Rest up. You're my partner
tomorrow in Leapfrog.

Hi, Mrs. Hackler. Where's Vern?

Dr. Hartley, I decided to take your
advice. I've left him.

You can't leave him. We're on board
ship.

You know you told me to tell him how I
feel.

Well, I feel I just can't stand him any
longer.

See, Mrs. Hackler, I've sort of made
this promise to myself that... Oh!

That must be Vir. Oh!

Hi, I want a scavenger hunt. Do you have
a red sock, a peppermint stick, or a

carrot? No, I didn't have any room in my
trunk to pack my carrot. Oh.

Thanks anyway.

Vern has red socks.

I kind of thought he would.

You know, Dr. Hartley, I'm sorry to
bother you because I know you're on

vacation, but I just can't tolerate Vern
any longer. He is rude. He is uncaring.

He's inconsiderate. He's selfish.

Well, how long has this been going on?

28 years.

Why have you waited so long to complain?
I thought he was going through a phase.

Hi,

scavenger hunt. Do you have an empty
fountain pen, a diamond necklace, or a

picture of Myrna Loy?

A diamond necklace on a scavenger hunt?

I thought if I said that real fast,
you'd fall for it. Thanks anyway.

Myrna has a picture of Myrna Loy in that
wallet he made.

I'll have him show it to me. Well, you
know, Dr. Hartley, all our lives, Vern

has been working, he's been making those
wallets, and I've been raising the

kids. And I thought if we had more time
to spend together, things would improve.

But now we have all this time to spend
together, and things just stink.

Oh, that is Vern, that is Vern.

You got a pink teddy bear, an Italian
flag, a spear, or a catcher's mask?

No.

Are you sure?

I think I would have remembered packing
a spear.

Thanks anyway.

Dr. Cartney, please save my marriage.

All right, if I do help you, what do you
want me to do? I want you to talk to

Vern. Okay, I'll talk to him. Oh, you
can't talk to Vern.

He, I don't know if you realize it, but
he just doesn't like psychologists.

Who does he talk to? He talks to the
boys at the Oasis.

Don't worry about it. I'll handle it.

Oh, okay.

Dr. Hartley, you know down deep inside,
he is a kind, sensitive, wonderful man.

Right. Where is he now? Who cares?

Well, here we are, Vern.

Yeah, Bob, I really appreciate you
asking me to have a drink with you.

in the Oasis. Well, no, but then what
is?

Well, what are you going to have, Bob?
You name it, Vern. All right.

Barkeep, two Boilermakers.

Boilermakers. Why, sure. What else do
men drink, huh?

Right, right. What else?

You know, Bob, you just love the Oasis.

It's got a jukebox. and a pool table and
hot sandwiches and a cot in the back

room in case you have to sleep it off.

I figure a man could just stay at the
Oasis forever.

Sure sounds like my kind of place.

Well,

this don't steam the wrinkles out of my
bitches nothing will.

Well?

You gonna drink it or you just gonna sit
there and admire it all night?

Sure, I'm sure I'm gonna drink it. You
can't get enough Boilermakers.

Yeah, I know what you mean. They just
don't make them as strong here as they

back home.

I see why you need that cot, Vern.

Bartender, two more.

Vern, you and your wife... Huh?

You and the missus are having a little
set -to, aren't you? Oh, Bob, you know

how women are.

Yeah, I know how women are.

Well, don't pay her no mind. She's just
having one of her dang moods.

Yes, sometimes Emily, my missus, you
know, she'll get real ornery sometimes.

This is starting to remind me of back
home.

Yeah, me too.

You know, Bob, sometimes...

Sometimes when I'm sitting there in the
Oasis drinking

Boilermakers, I just wish I could die
right there.

Something tells me you're going to,
Bernie.

Bob, old buddy, I want you to tell me
something.

What do you do when your old woman
starts acting up? You give her a whomp

the head?

Not anymore, Vern.

I found something better.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, last time Emily was in a bad mood,
I got a gold bracelet for her.

Well, that sounds like a good trade to
me.

You get it?

Shoot, that's a good one, Vern.

Ain't this fun?

Yeah, we're having ourselves a time,
Brent.

Come on, bartender. Keep them coming in
here.

Bartender, I don't care for... What?
What's that?

I just said I don't care what you're
doing. Keep those drinks coming. That's

right.

I just never seen the little woman this
upset.

She's real unhappy, and I don't know
why.

And it's kind of scary.

Vern, I don't think you even know your
wife.

What the hell are you talking about?
I've been married to that woman for 28

years. Come on, Bartender, bring him on.

Bring it on.

Vern, see, people can live together for
a long time and still be...

Perfect strangers.

Boy, they're making a weaker.

Boy, they sure have their nerve calling
these boiler men.

so listen good.

I think you love your wife, but I think
if you don't tell her that real soon,

you're going to lose her.

You think it's as serious as that, Bob?

You're darn right it is.

Johnny, you're going to have to get to
know that woman all over again.

Well, you know, Bob, I've misjudged you.

I always thought you were a dull little
guy.

You know, a psychologist and all such as
that.

But hell, you'd fit right in.

And you make a lot of sense when you
talk.

And you know that... And you know when
you've had enough.

Thank you for helping me, Emily.

Am I keeping you from anything?

No, no, there's no activity scheduled
for this afternoon except poop deck

Mrs. Hartley, Bob and me was sitting
down there in that bar, and he, uh,

he just fell down.

When did we hit the iceberg, right?

Oh, Bob.

Honey, are you okay?

Oh, I can't complain.

I can barely see.

Hello?

Hello. Hello.

Honey, I'm fine.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm only kidding, Emily.

Now, Mother, I'm sorry you're not
enjoying this trip.

I just wished it was something I could
do to make you feel better.

Well, I'm sorry I spilled the soup on
you. And I'm sorry I made you sleep in

that lifeboat last night.

But you deserved it. Yeah, I've been
acting pretty pig -headed.

Why don't you just let me have one?
Right here. I got it coming.

Oh, I don't want to hit you, Vern.

Well, I do.

But it wouldn't be right.

That's all right.

Listen, why don't you use a pillow?
That's what Bob tells his patients to

Isn't that right, Bob?

Who?

Hostility. Come on, Mother.

Give me your best shot.

Well,

did you let it all out?

Are you kidding? That was just for 1949.

Well, we've got a long way to go,
Mother.

Clara. Oh, yeah.

Clara. Oh, well, at least we've got a
start, Vern.

Let's go home, Clara.

Hartley. Goodbye.

Who?

You see, Bob, what'd I tell you? There
ain't no problem that six or seven

boilermakers can't solve.

Oh,

Bob.

My sweet Bobby.

He just couldn't resist, could you?

Oh, yeah. Yes, they stay down at the
Oasis.

A man has to do what a man has to do.

I got to be me?

I'll leave my name and stuff.

I'll call it my game.

All right.