Original subtitles

Coming. Oh, Bob, you got the tree.

Where do you want me to put it?

Somewhere out of sight.

No, I know it isn't as pretty as last year's tree.

Looks like it is last year's tree.

Bob, is that the best tree you could find?

Well, Emily, I went to this lot, and there was a lot of, you know, big,

bushy trees, but this little guy was over in the corner, and he said to me,

Hartley, if you don't take me home, nobody will this Christmas.

Oh, honey, you have always been a sucker for the runt and the litter and the

skinny little ways that nobody else wants.

That's what my mother said at our wedding.

Yours, too?

parents called. They're having a terrific time. They said Christmas in

is everything they hoped it would be.

Yeah, my mother's always had this fantasy about waking up Christmas Day

tan.

Yeah, this is going to be the first Christmas without the family. It's going

seem kind of lonely.

A lot of people spend Christmas alone. Jerry does his laundry on Christmas Day.

His laundry?

How sad.

He thinks it's great. He says you don't have to wait for the dryers.

Hey, Bob, you know, I just got a great idea.

Why don't we give a party on Christmas Day? I mean, think of all the people we

know who are alone at Christmas. You know, Jerry and Howard and Mrs.

Mr. Carlin.

Well, Emily, it's a good idea, but I don't think the group would come. You

they get kind of depressed around Christmas time.

Mr. Carlin's the only man that thinks Christmas isn't commercial enough.

Makes you warm all over.

Listen, Bob, maybe the group would feel better if they didn't have to spend

Christmas alone.

All right, we'll have a party. Oh, honey, that's great.

Merry Christmas, Bob and Emily.

Oh, Merry Christmas, Howard.

Oh, Raph, you already got a tree.

What's wrong, Howard?

Well, I got you one up in Maine. You know, the timber country.

Oh, Howard, that's so thoughtful of you.

Well, Howard, we'd love to see it.

Okay.

The tree is in here? Yeah, that's the finest quality aluminum. That's a

among the lumberjacks.

Don't lumberjacks use real trees at Christmas time?

Are you kidding? They see real trees all the time.

You don't want to come home and see a thing like that. That'd be like Bob

home and seeing a loony in his house.

I see your point, Howard.

Excuse me.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Howard. Hi, Emily. Oh, hi, dear.

So, what's it doing? Oh, we're just about to put some ornaments on our tree.

Better put some branches on it first.

to our party on Christmas Day.

Ah, I'd love to. What date does Christmas fall on this year?

The 25th, I think.

That late, huh?

Howard, you fly upside down a lot.

Don't be silly. I'd get coffee all over the ceiling.

What about it, Cleary? Can you come to our party?

my laundry schedule.

Yeah, I guess I can fit it in. Great.

Yeah, we appreciate the sacrifice, Jerry.

I get kind of sentimental this time of year, you know.

Listen, Bob, I got some tickets to the hockey game tonight. You want to come

along?

No, I think Emily and I are going to decorate the tree.

Jerry, I'd like to go to the hockey game with you.

Oh, yeah, Howard.

Look, you know anything about hockey? If there's one thing I hate, it's having

to answer a lot of dumb questions all night, you know. Hey, don't worry about

me. I know hockey backwards and forwards.

I mean, hockey's my middle name.

Okay, let's go, pal.

Who's pitching?

Carol, you know what you're looking at?

A hockey puck. But what's that black thing in your hand?

This is the actual puck used in the actual game last night between the

Blackhawks and the Flyers.

This puck was hidden in the stands. I caught it, had it autographed personally

in the locker room by Stan Mikita.

I don't see anything.

Just as well, he has a lousy signature.

Gary, that is really great.

Well, I'm glad you know enough about hockey to be impressed.

You know, there's something I've always wanted about hockey.

How do you get that big chunk of ice through the door?

See, rotten guy, give me back my puck.

Oh, it's not your puck. I caught it. It's mine.

Well, I touched it first.

You didn't touch it. It hit you in the head.

Thank God I got my hand out of the way in time.

Something tells me this is as interesting as this argument's going to

No, don't give that back to me. I mean, he took it from me. I didn't take it

from him. It ricocheted off his forehead.

He didn't even stop eating his popcorn.

It didn't hit me in the mouth.

I mean, I deserve it. I mean, I suffered the wound.

Your Band -Aid's on the wrong side.

No, it's not.

The sticky side always goes against the skin.

I'm keeping it, Mr.

Borden. It's Howard to you.

Why are you so upset, Howard? You're not even a hockey fan.

Well, it's important to me. I want to show my grandkids that puck someday and

say, that puck hit their granddaddy in the head.

Well, I'm sure that'll answer a lot of their questions.

Well, I'm glad you're on my side.

Nice sentiments exactly, Howard.

Morning, Carol.

Don't you even want to know what he was doing here?

I learned a long time ago never to try to find out what Howard's doing.

Good policy, Bob. Your group's waiting.

Oh, good. Any messages?

No, but your stuff came from the printers.

Oh.

Christmas card came out nice, huh? Yeah. And they printed up your rate increase

forms, too.

Oh, those.

Do you want me to mail them out today, Bob?

No, no. The group just gets depressed enough around Christmas time. I don't

them to know I'm raising their rates.

Do you really have to do that, Bob?

Well, it's either that or cut my overhead.

Lay off the secretary.

Oh, gouge the suckers.

Maybe I'll give them their Christmas cards. That may cheer them up a little

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas, Dr. Hartley. Doesn't Christmas make you happy all over?

It makes me happy that you're so happy. Isn't that nice?

I'm happy because Doris is recovering nicely.

What happened?

She's in the hospital with a hernia.

That's too bad.

She got it when she had to change a flat tire.

She got a hernia changing a flat tire? She didn't use a jack.

I'm in a wonderful mood. I have finally been assigned... to the express checkout

line at my store.

Nine items or less and cut the gab. The speed is intoxicating.

We're all very proud of you. Do you know that at full speed, the conveyor belt

will put a cassava melon right through the front window?

It's frightening.

And I have other news.

I have a new boyfriend.

Isn't that nice? He's not much of a looker. You know, magazine cover

Beckerman.

Mr. Carlin, remember, you're supposed to be in the Christmas spirit.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, Bakerman.

Merry Christmas.

Mr. Carlin, what put you in such a joyous mood?

Well, something happened to me last week that made me think of Christmas in a

whole new light.

Well, why don't you tell us all about it?

I got a lot of reason to be thankful.

My father just recovered from a very serious illness.

Oh, that's wonderful news.

He never would have made it if it weren't for that blood I sold him.

Well, that's what Christmas is all about.

Well, speaking of Christmas, I'd like to invite you to a party at my house on

Christmas Day. Oh, what a wonderful man you are, Dr. Harley. And what a

wonderful time that will be.

Do I have to bring a gift?

No, you've given enough, Mr. Crowley.

Hey, what you got in your hand, Dr. Harley?

Oh, these are your Christmas cards. I may as well give them to you.

Right now. Oh, thank you.

Thanks.

Aren't they beautiful?

Excuse me, Dr.

Hartley. Could I see you in the outer office? It's very urgent.

Sure. Excuse me just a minute.

The printer made a tiny mistake on your Christmas cards.

What mistake?

A joyous holiday and happy new year.

Effective January 1st.

Fees will be raised 10%. You know well.

They printed the rate increase notices inside the Christmas cards.

Better get in there before they open their cards.

We wish you a lousy Christmas.

We wish you a lousy Christmas.

And a crummy New Year.

Sort of catchy.

You know, this is the first year that the group was feeling good about

Christmas, and then Carol ruined it.

Well, I'm not sure it's all Carol's fault, Bob.

Emily, she should have checked those cards. I mean, I have a right to be mad

her. How mad did you get?

Remember how mad I got when I decided to fix the plumbing underneath the sink

and you accidentally turned down the water?

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Double it.

Maybe I got mad at Carol because I had to raise my rates.

Oh, Bob, don't feel bad. You haven't raised your rates in years.

Besides, you're still charging less than other psychologists.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, have you explained that to your group?

They were too busy making up nasty Christmas carols.

Should have heard what they did with chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Want me to leave?

Can she be trusted?

I'd like to think so.

Are you still mad because I raised my rates?

Well, I was at first.

I was furious with you.

I was going to stand up to you like a man, give you a piece of my mind, and

you who you're messing with.

What made you change your mind?

I was afraid you'd be mad at me.

Mr. Peterson, what is this all about?

Dr. Hartley, Mrs. Hartley, before I say anything, you've got to promise you

won't leave this room.

You did not hear this from me. I did not come here tonight. You've never met me

before.

Whatever you say, stranger.

Mr. Carlin is really upset about your rate increase.

He's put out a contract for a hitman to get you.

You're kidding.

After the session today, Carlin called an organization named Pi Incorporated.

For a slight fee, they hit people in the face with a pie.

I've heard about those organizations.

Should have guessed Mr. Carlin was a customer. Customer?

He's got a revolving charge account.

Okay, laugh if you want, but you're a marked man.

Now, don't tell Carlin I squealed.

You know what he'd do to me?

Banana cream.

Mr. Carlin has gone too far this time.

Well, believe it or not, this doesn't upset me. I mean, at least it's a

harmless outlet for Mr. Carlin's hostilities.

Besides, you can't hit, but you can't catch.

Well, it's off my conscience now.

Thanks for the warning, Peterson.

That's okay, Dr.

Hartley. I just didn't want to see you get hurt.

I'll get it.

It's for you.

Good morning, Carol. Good morning, Dr. Hartley.

How are you?

Fine, thank you.

Good.

Uh, Carol, why don't we forget about that little fight we had yesterday?

You know, bury the hatchet.

I hold no grudges.

Good, because now we're acting like two mature adults.

Yes, we are.

Bob, you got a minute to talk?

No, I don't, Jerry. That's okay. I just want you to listen.

Bob, I'm not coming to your Christmas party.

Oh, sorry to hear that, Jerry.

I just can't be around Howard Borden. The man is petty, stupid, and deceitful.

Well, that doesn't mean he can't be fun at parties.

Jerry, you and Howard aren't still fighting over that silly hockey puck,

you? Yeah, I'm afraid it's blown into something much bigger than that, Bob. We

got together last night to talk this thing through, and the stupid jerk

calling me names, the imbecile.

Jerry, why don't you break down and just buy the hockey puck? You are missing

the point, Bob. That puck is authentic. It was used in a game. It's autographed.

It's priceless.

I'm just sorry I can't come to your party, so... Excuse me so very much, Dr.

Hartley, but I do have some messages for you.

Mr. Peterson called and said he can't come to your party because Mr.

Carlin found out he squealed. He's afraid Carlin will get him.

Mr. Carlin called and said he wouldn't be caught dead at your party.

Howard Borden called and said he'd come to your party when the North Pole

freezes over.

I don't think he has a complete grasp of that expression.

Mrs. Bakerman called to say thanks, but no thanks to your party. And I'm not

coming to your party because I'd probably be blamed for ruining your

Merry Christmas.

How are you and Emily getting along?

You know, Jerry, I'm starting to learn the true meaning of humbug.

Why is your group so mad at you?

I raise my rates.

At Christmas time, Bob? Nice timing.

It was a mistake, Jerry. Now, Mr. Carlin's mad at me, and he hired a guy

me with a pie in the face.

A pie?

That's funny, pal. I just hope that I'm here when it happens.

Where's Howard when you need him?

I just thought you would call the caterer when you knew nobody was coming.

Emily, the food was your part of the party.

Oh, Bob, I just thought you would naturally think to do it.

Well, I didn't think to do it because I thought you did. Oh, come on, Bob. All

right, all right, Emily, let's not get in a fight.

You're all I got left.

According to my new Christmas watch, which you just got me, the party would

starting just about now.

Oh, Bob, forget about the party.

I mean, who needs all those people around? We can have a perfectly nice

Christmas just alone, the two of us.

Yeah, we'll have a... We'll have a great Christmas.

Well, you want to turn in?

The party will be going real strong around now.

Just about this time, we'd be toasting all our friends, if we had any.

Bob, Bob, now, if that's a pie, just remember to duck.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, boss.

I thought you weren't coming.

Well, I was taking a ride in your elevator, and it stopped at your floor.

Carol, where's Larry?

Oh, he snowed in in some dumpy ski resort in Switzerland.

Oh, the poor devil.

Bob, I am sorry about the Christmas cards. It was all my fault.

No, Carol, I should have checked the cards myself.

Then it was all your fault.

Don't push your luck.

Forgive me?

Forgive you.

Come on in. There's something to eat. I'll take your coat. Thank you.

Hi, Dr. Hartley. Hi, Mrs. Hartley. Hi, Carol. Hi.

Mr. Peterson, I thought you weren't coming.

Well, I wasn't. But then I heard Carlin wasn't coming, so I thought I'd be safe.

If he does show up, I'll run out the back way.

There is no back way.

I'll make one.

Well, we're awfully glad you decided to come. Would you like something to eat?

Oh, I sure would.

Great. Have a side of beef. And here's a Christmas gift for you.

Christmas flowers?

Oh, they're lovely.

They look the same as the ones we sent to Doris in the hospital.

Well, they are the same. All the stores were closed.

Well, it's better to give than receive.

In this case, it's the same thing.

I'll put them in water. Why don't you just put your coat over there?

Jean, Mr. Peterson, I'm sorry we don't have a Christmas present for you.

Oh, Dr.

Hartley, Doris under sedation is Christmas enough.

Sorry about your tree.

Hi, Bob.

Oh, hi, Carol.

Oh, hi, Mr. Peterson. Hi, Emily.

Am I too late for the party?

I thought you weren't coming.

Well, I was going to stay home. I was mad. I mean, I was really mad.

But then I decided to come to Bob and Emily's party.

Oh, Howard, you got the Christmas spirit, huh?

Oh, I forgot what I was mad about.

Oh, well, you see, you and... Emily.

Well, Howard, come on in and have some food.

Is this all there is?

Merry Christmas, Mr. Borden.

Oh, well, thank you, Mr. Peterson.

Hi, Mrs. Bigman. I thought you weren't coming.

Well, Dr. Hartley, I decided that you have to raise your rates now and then.

You're good for us, and you deserve it.

Well, thank you.

How come you didn't bring your gentleman friend along with you? I did.

He's downstairs parking the car.

He has a beautiful set of wheels.

And his car isn't bad either.

That's a good one, Mrs. Baker.

This is your gift, Dr. Hartley. The stores were all closed, so I went by the

supermarket and I picked out this week's special for you. It's a Charlie's

Angels luncheon bucket.

Very nice.

You don't already have one, do you?

You can never have too many.

So, why don't you... Join the party. Have some food.

Let me take your clothes. Oh, thank you, Emily.

And a Merry Christmas to you.

Or is this food?

Personally, I think it's a free food.

Ah, great, Brother Henley.

Where's Borden?

I just remembered why I didn't want to be here.

I've been looking for you, Borden.

Well, I'm right here, Robinson.

I want to settle this thing once and for all. So do I, Robinson.

Well, good.

Dr. Hartley, you've got to stop them. I hate fighting.

It's going to be hard to pick a favorite in this one.

Look, you two, don't you think you've... Gone just a bit too far? You can't go a

bit too far with a blithering idiot.

Yeah, I haven't blithered in months.

Look, Howard, I've stood about all I can.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah? Hold it, hold it. I think I see a trend developing here.

Look, you two realize how ridiculous you look? I mean, you're acting like

children.

Matter of fact, we've all acted like children in the last couple days,

myself.

This is Christmas Day. Can't you just...

Push aside whatever differences you have and be friends?

Listen to the man.

He's a doctor.

What did you want that stupid puck for anyway?

I was going to give it to my son for Christmas.

Why didn't you tell me that? Here, wish him a Merry Christmas for me. Merry

Christmas, sir.

Now that's better.

That's beautiful.

Let's all sing Deck the Halls.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Okay,

hold it, everybody!

Hold it!

Okay, stupid, twice you hit the wrong person. All right, there can be any more

slip -ups, stupid.

This is Robert Hartley! Okay, stupid, hit him!