Original subtitles

How my parents met by Stevie Marks, age 8.

How could I know I wasn't born yet?

Sincerely, Stevie Marks, age 8.

Would you please put your feet down and just polish that coffee table?

Bet you let Bob keep his feet on that table.

No, I don't.

No wonder he skipped town.

He didn't skip town. Howard, I told you he's on a publicity tour promoting his

book. Oh, that's right. I forgot about this. It's a book. How's it selling?

Pretty good, considering it's not about sharks, diet, or sex.

Where is it tonight?

Omaha. Omaha is fantastic.

It is?

Yeah, great runway.

What's the city like?

I have no idea. The roofs are nice.

Would you like a drink, Howard? Yes, I'll have Bob's usual.

Scotch on the rocks.

Yes, and put some ice in it.

That's a good idea.

And a cherry.

Naturally.

Here you go.

Go on, Howard Wallbanger.

Thank you.

Well, that took the edge off.

Thanks for stopping by, Howard.

Having you here makes it almost seem like I'm not alone.

My pleasure.

You know, when you guys moved upstairs, I thought I was going to be lonely. I

even tried to get the apartment next door.

Oh, that way you're going to come by more than every day.

You bet I couldn't get the place. Why couldn't you?

Well, as they say on the plane, es ocupado.

That's Spanish for it's occupied.

But it can't be.

Oh, maybe it means, uh, don't leave the litter.

No, no, I mean the apartment can't be occupied.

I mean, I've never seen a soul go in or out of there since we moved here. Yeah,

the landlord said no one ever sees her.

Her? Yeah, some old woman. She lives all alone. They say she's a real nutburger.

Dad, she must be so terribly lonely.

Emily, that's what happens when you're a weirdo.

I mean, it hurts your popularity.

Howard, let's pay her a friendly visit. You know, just to say hello.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, Howard. It's the neighborly thing to do.

Toot me out. I get nervous around weird people.

I mean, call me crazy, but I hate nuts.

What if she's dangerous? Oh, don't be silly.

What if she's Tony Perkins pretending to be his mother?

What if she invites us in for a shower?

I hear rustling. What if she's a rustler? Shh.

Somebody's coming.

Who is it?

Oh, just Emily, not Howard.

It's just your neighbor. I stopped by to say hello.

Well, go ahead.

Hello.

Anything else?

Oh, I thought maybe you'd like some coffee.

Well, if you change your mind, stop by. We're in 2080.

Yeah, we don't take showers.

Yeah,

honey, this is a bad connection. Why don't you call me right back?

The number here is area code 311 -555 -2368.

And call me right back.

I can't wait to tell you everything that's happened.

That's fine, honey.

I'll be waiting.

Excuse me. I'm using that phone.

What is this, your favorite phone?

Use one of those.

You see, you don't understand. I'm waiting for my... Hey, is this Bucky

Williams?

Guess who this is.

See, I'm waiting to talk to my wife. Think back 20 years.

Fort Hood, Texas.

Is that going through the guys in the 5th Battalion?

No.

No.

No. See, I've got a plane to catch.

No, you're not even close.

Let me give you another clue.

I'm right -handed.

No. No.

Listen, I'm not setting this boat down until you guess.

Bucky, he should split. Dr. Brown -Eisenstein's got a mole on his arm.

buddy, do you mind?

This is personal.

I don't understand it. The line is busy.

Bob, I've got to hang up.

I suppose you'll call back.

What was that?

See, that, Howard, is a knock on the door. Something you probably don't know

anything about.

Are you the young woman who knocked on my door last night?

scrapbook. No.

Time you did.

Howard. Howard.

It's her.

The loon over next door? Let me out.

Oh, let me take that book. It must be heavy. It is.

It covers my whole career.

I'm in Vaudeville, you know.

Is Vaudeville dead?

Don't tell me you're one of those people who thinks the talkies will catch on.

Not me.

Won't you come in, Miss... Dubois.

Grace Dubois.

Of Grace and Irving, the dancing Dubois.

Tops and taps, two happy little hoppers with a song in their hearts and a dance

on their souls.

You call me Grace.

Well, Grace, I'm Emily, and this is Howard Borden.

Newlyweds. Oh, no, no.

This is the jazz age.

Lots of people living in sin these days.

No, no, no, no. We're not living in sin. Oh, that's the way to look at it, dear.

Are you in show business?

Exactly, Howard.

Borderville is my life.

Where are you working now?

Well, at the moment, I'm temporarily retired. I decided to take some time off

after Irving passed on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be, my dear.

It was the cat's meow while the curtain was up.

Well, would you excuse me, Grace?

I'm going to get some coffee. Would you like some? Oh, no, thanks. I still have

plenty.

But I wouldn't mind a cup to drink here, if you like.

Howard, could I see you for a second?

Excuse me, Grace?

Howard,

that woman is living in 1920.

Don't be silly. The Hammonds live in 1920.

She lives right across the fall.

Ah, my mistake.

Do it yourself.

Coping. Must be interesting.

It is. My husband wrote it. No, he didn't. Robert Hartley did.

No, you see, my husband is Robert Hartley.

You don't mean Hartley the Great?

Well, he has his moments.

No, my husband is a psychologist.

Oh, my.

I've always wanted to meet a psychologist, Howard.

I'll introduce you to one.

So, this is your scrapbook, huh? Yes, it is.

So here are Irving and I when we played the palace.

Oh.

And here I am without... Oh, Howard, there she is with Al Jolson. And here I

without Al Jolson.

Well, I must be running along.

I'm expecting a call from my agent about my comeback, you know.

Well, Grace, I am so happy you stopped by. I hope we'll be seeing you again

soon. Oh, my.

Oh, that'd be nice.

I don't see many people these days, except my niece, of course.

Afraid my social life has slowed down a tad since the Depression.

Well, things get better in the 40s. There was a war, but we win it.

What a lovely young couple you are.

Howard and Emily.

Uh, well, you see, actually... Howard and Emily?

I don't suppose you're the Howard and Emily that play the Orpheum Circus?

No. Oh, that couldn't be.

Howard is a clown.

I can be serious when I need to be.

Well, gotta run.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

Toodle -oo, you two.

Oh, I'm sorry to bother you. I'm Nora Dubois.

Have you by any chance seen the elderly woman who lives next door? She's my Aunt

Grace. Well, I saw her this morning, but I haven't seen her since then. Oh,

dear. I'm so worried about her. Aunt Grace never leaves her apartment.

Oh, well, I'm sure she's fine. Why don't we go back and see if she left a note

or something?

Oh, I don't think we'll be able to find anything in that apartment.

Oh, my.

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Well, it is Grace.

Exactly.

the most delightful tour of the apartment building. We saw a trash

electric garage doors, washing machines just like Buck Rogers.

A candy machine.

Ah, the only one for blocks that has Baby Ruth's. Oh, speaking of Babe Ruth,

anyone heard how the Bambino did at the plate today?

Aunt Grace, Babe Ruth is dead.

Oh, they say that every time he gets into a slumber.

Do you realize how worried I am? was when I arrived and you weren't here?

Oh, were you? Oh, my dear. Oh, I'm so sorry.

You know very well we're not supposed to wander around the building with strange

people. But Howard isn't strange.

But he's Emily's husband.

Well, no, you see, actually... Well, you could have at least left me a note. I

was frantic. Oh.

Here. Oh, Auntie Grace.

I brought your groceries. Why don't you go in the kitchen and put them away?

Yes, Nora.

I'll help you, Gracie. Oh, thank you. Is that the door?

Yes.

I do think Aunt Grace will be more comfortable when she gets out of here.

Oh, is she moving?

Well, it was difficult for us to do this, but we found a lovely place.

Really, it's fully staffed with doctors on call.

Wait a minute. Are you sending Grace to a rest home?

Well, as soon as the consulting psychiatrist interviews her, I'll start

proceedings.

It's for our own good.

Mr. Bois, I don't mean to speak out of turn, but... I mean, you know, your aunt

seems fine to me.

I mean, a little bit eccentric, maybe, but just as sane as the next person.

Or maybe the next person after that.

What exactly are you looking

for? Well, a psychiatrist is coming to Grace's house to ask her questions, and

want to see if he has the authority to commit her. Emily, you shouldn't be

snooping into people's lives like that.

It's Thursday the 9th.

See Emily after sex.

That's after sex.

Well, I'm just telling you two, the lady is perfectly happy and safe in her

apartment. And besides, we're right next door.

This looks good. Advanced sexual therapy.

That's going to help me save Grace.

No, but it looks good.

Oh, here it is.

He can do it based on one interview.

Emily, I still don't think you should be poking your nose in other people's

lives like that. What's this? What's this?

Two tickets to the Packers -Bears game? How come Bob didn't invite me?

Because he invited me.

So was Emily. Emily this, Emily that.

You'd think he was married to me or something.

Grace, I'd like you to meet a dear friend of mine. This is Carol Bondurant.

do you do, Carol?

Are you any relation to Harry Bondurant, the human cannonball?

No, I don't think so. Oh, too bad. He made a fortune.

They paid him 100 a week and 10 cents a mile.

Well,

I'll make some coffee.

Oh, Grace, I want to talk to you about something important. Would you mind if

Carol made the coffee?

Not at all.

Well, coming right up. Uh, in there. Uh, the coffee grinder's next to the butter

churn. Butter churn.

Ah, a built -in.

Why don't you sit down?

Grace. Uh, you know, I mean, your niece told you that a psychiatrist is coming

to see you soon. Oh, yes, another guest. I'm starting to get more visitors than

backstage at Minsky's.

Well, uh...

I'm afraid this visitor isn't coming for social reasons.

I mean, he's going to ask you some questions to see if you should go to

Haven. Oh, fool.

Nora took me to that place once, so boring, filled with old people. No, I'll

just tell him kindly that I'd rather not go.

Well, I'm afraid if he thinks you belong there, he can make you go.

Oh, dear.

Dear, oh dear.

Why, Emily, what am I going to do?

Well, Grace, see, I've been doing some research.

And all we have to do is convince him that you're in touch with the times.

Now, and the first thing we're going to have to do something about is this

apartment. My apartment.

Well, you know, some of the furniture's a little, uh... Oh, yes, I know what you

mean. I told Irving it was a little jazzy.

Well, Grace, would you mind if we moved some of the furniture in the bedroom?

You know, just for the psychiatrist's visit.

Oh, if you must, you must.

Now, we are going to give you... A crash course in current events. Come on. And

we're going to start with politics.

Oh, don't talk to me about politics. With all those latest Washington

the president and all of his friends involved in corruption and skullduggery.

Grace, you know about Watergate? We're talking about Teapot Doom. What's a

Watergate?

Oh, I love your kitchen.

The bread box, the wood -burning stove.

I found some pancake mix with a picture of Aunt Jemima when she was a child.

Vice President Mondale, air pollution, the bionic.

The bionic. The bionic what, Emily?

The bionic anything.

All right, time.

Newsweek and Atlantic Monthly. I think that looks impressive enough. How do I

look, Emily?

Oh, Grace.

You look so beautiful.

Thank you for taking me shopping, Emily. That department store was so exciting.

Imagine moving stairs.

Oh, Grace. Grace, that's the doorbell. So now you just sit down and you relax

and everything is going to be just fine.

Hello. Won't you come in?

Hello, I'm Dr. Malcolm.

You're a much younger woman than I expected.

Oh, well, I'm not Miss Dubois. I'm Emily Hartley, her neighbor.

How do you do? This is Miss Dubois.

How do you do, Doctor?

How do you do, Miss Dubois?

Doctor, has anyone ever told you that you look like Francis X. Bushman?

Why, no.

Ah, Grace.

Just buttering him up.

Have a seat, doctor.

Thank you.

Well, I just came by to borrow one of the many weekly news magazines that Mrs.

Dubois gets.

Do you suppose Emily could join us for our little chat, Dr. Malcolm?

I don't see why not.

As you know, Mrs. Dubois, your niece Nora asked me to stop by to talk to you.

She believes that you might be better off in a different environment.

Ask me any questions you want to, doctor.

Tell me, Mrs. Dubois, do you know what year this is?

As President Jimmy Carter would say, it's 1977.

And the day of the week?

In the words of the Speaker of the House, Tip O 'Neill,

Wednesday.

You seem to have quite an interest in politics.

Quoting U .N. Ambassador Andrew Young.

Indeed I have.

Well, tell me.

What do you do for fun?

You know.

Hobbies, television, movies. Oh, I adore the moving pictures.

Especially all those new movie stars.

Robert Redford, Barbara Streisand, Gene Harlow.

Gene Harlow?

Oh, did I say Gene Harlow? I meant Gene Tierney. Or was it Gene Rayburn?

Well, you see, I think what Miss Dubois means is that she likes to go to a lot

of old movies. You know, revivals. Isn't that what you meant? Yes.

I would prefer it if we let Miss Dubois tell us what she means.

Of course.

So, you like old movies?

Yes. But the stage is my first love.

I used to be on the stage myself, you know. Really? Yes.

My agent keeps talking about a comeback.

Must be my agent calling now.

No, Grace, that's the doorbell.

Oh, my.

So it is.

They sound so much alike.

Oh, Howard, dear.

Come on in.

Hello.

Dr. Malcolm, this is Howard Gordon.

I stopped by to return this book I borrowed from Miss Dubois.

Modern economics, philosophy, and political stuff for smart people.

Sounds like heavy reading.

Yes, it weighs about ten pounds.

Well, could we continue, please?

Tell me, Miss Dubois, do you remember what happened on December 7th?

No. Indeed I do.

That's when Conlon and Ryan opened at the palace.

That a girl, Grace?

Oh, no, that's not right.

Uh, December 7th was, uh,

Pearl's. Oh, that's when Pearl Latour and her trained doves opened at the

Garden.

No, you see, Grace, I think Dr. Malcolm is talking about the famous bombing.

Oh, you can say that again. Worst act in show business.

Grace, you don't know anything about Pearl Harbor, do you?

Or World War II?

No.

We covered that, but I forgot.

Emily, I'm so sorry. I tried.

That's all right.

Oh, no.

No, it isn't.

Young man.

My niece probably told you that I live in the past.

Well, she's right. I do live in the past.

And quite happily, thank you.

In my world, there's no arms race, no air pollution, no crime on the streets.

Mine is a world of happy memories and carefree times.

And if it's good enough for the Dolly sisters and the seven little foys, it's

good enough for me.

So...

are the first people who really cared about me since Irving died.

I want you to know I appreciate it very much.

Oh, Grace.

Has anyone ever told you you are the bee's knees?

Dear Howard.

Sweet Howard.

Thank you for showing me the washing machines.

Maybe next time I can show you the rinse cycle.

Well, I'll be seeing you at Sunset Haven, Doctor.

I don't think I will be seeing you, Miss Dubois. I don't understand.

Grace, I've been a psychiatrist for a long time now, and I only wish that half

the so -called normal people I've met were as happy and well -adjusted in

worlds as you are in yours.

You've got health, security...

And most important, you've got friends that care about you.

I think you're better off here.

And that's that.

Oh, Grace!

Wait a minute. Hold on. You're not taking her anywhere, hear me?

I mean, she knows all about politics.

Henry Kissinger, Henry Cabot Lodge, Henry Winkler.

Cool it, Howard. She's all right.

Yeah, she's all right. She reads the Atlantic Monthly every week.

Tell me, Mr. Borden, have you ever considered the swell times to be had at

Sunset Haven?

Not

really.

Oh, it's a wonderful place. Beautiful surroundings, all sorts of recreational

facilities.

Any checks?