All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s06e08 Youre Fired, Mr. Chips

Dr. Thompson, I must say your resume is
very impressive.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hartley. I'm
definitely interested in being your

Well, I've asked you a lot of questions.
I'm sure you must have some questions

you'd like to ask. Well, yes, there's
just one.

Where's your shower?

My shower?

Yes, I take a shower every 15 minutes.

Do you?

Millions of bacteria are crawling all
over your skin right now, you see.

If you don't clean them off, others of
their kind move in, you see.

Well, how, uh... How the time does fly.

What time is it?

It's 11 .45.

Uh... Is there anywhere I can wash up?

Yes, there's a men's room right down the
hall.

There's also a very nice fountain in
front of the building.

A fountain?

That would be much better. Yes, a
fountain. Yes.

That will help cleanse me of all the
scum and the dirt.

Well, how was he?

I wouldn't take him as a patient.

You know, the reject file is getting
pretty tall there, Bob. Aren't you being

awfully picky?

Jerry, I just can't hire anybody. I have
to find a man who will spend an hour a

day with Mr. Carlin.

He's a guy with a chair and a whip.

You know, I just can't believe the weird
applicants I'm getting for this job. I

mean, you'd think that psychologists
would be more normal.

Not based on my experience.

Well, sure, Bob, there have been some
bizarros.

But look, Dr.

Ellis is coming in in a few minutes.
Now, give him a chance, okay?

Of course I'll give him a chance, Carol.
I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect.

A good one, Harry.

Well, listen, guys, I'll catch up with
you at the planetarium.

Take it easy.

Excuse me.

I'm Dr. Ellis. Is Dr. Hartley here?

Hartley, Hartley. I believe he's washing
himself in the fountain.

Him? Oh, looked like a good man to me.

Oh, sorry, Bob.

They installed the new alarm system
today.

I feel like I should be handcuffed to
Sidney Poitier.

Do you have anything more alarmish?

Let's see. Can I interest you in
something in a siren?

that way. Can't wait to be burgled.

What's that?

The new alarm system.

Is the house broken?

I didn't ask.

Can we do something for you, Howard?

I wondered if I could borrow some flour
and some sugar and some chocolate.

Howard, when did you learn to bake?

Well, I didn't. I thought maybe you'd
give me that stuff in the form of a

brownie.

Good, I haven't eaten yet either.

Hello?

Oh. Dr.

Dreamin, it's nice to hear from you.

It has been a long time.

We'd love to get together with you.

Sometime this week.

In four minutes.

Yeah, that would be sometime this week.

Why don't you come on up?

Call from the lobby.

Gee, I wish I had some notice.

Yeah, the nerve of that guy barging in
on us like that.

Who is he? Oh, he's a teacher. He was my
professor at the university.

He was my favorite.

Yeah, after you got out of his class.

Yeah, he really made us work hard.

Had a great teacher.

Taught me everything I know.

Navigator Wilson.

We called him the Pigeon.

Oh, is that because he could always find
his way?

No, because he did a great imitation of
Pigeon.

When he cooed.

People covered their heads.

Oh, I must be 90 by now.

Is he still teaching?

No, but he's still flying.

That's great for a man his age. Yeah, he
took off in a Piper Cub in 1958.

He's still up there.

Howard, that's a long time for a plane
to stay in the air.

Ah, I know what you're thinking, Bob,
but you're wrong. He's not lost.

Just late.

You don't suppose...

I doubt it, Howard.

Well, Professor Dreamin, how are you?
Fine, Robert. How are you? Good to see

you. You remember my wife, Emily? Of
course, Emily. How am I? As beautiful as

ever? Oh, thank you. And you're as
charming as ever.

I'm Howard Borden. How do you do? Can
you imitate a pigeon?

Howard, isn't that your phone ringing?

I don't hear it.

Well, then how would you know?

Good point.

Bye, Professor.

I'm coming!

I don't want to spout technical terms,
but Howard there seems one brick short

a load.

Why don't you sit down, Professor? I'll
get some coffee.

Nice to see you again, Robert.

Why don't you sit down?

Oh.

So, what's new?

Nothing. I hear you need an assistant.

You never were one for small talk, were
you?

The university placement service said
you were looking for someone, and I

thought maybe I might be able to help
you find someone.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you. Who
did you have in mind? Whom? Whom?

Me. You? That's right.

You'd give up teaching?

Teaching gave me up.

I was forced to retire about a year ago,
very much against my wishes.

Sorry to hear that. I can't imagine you
away from a university.

Well, I drop around every once in a
while to say hello to old friends, visit

library, check out the co -eds.

They stop the teaching, but they can't
stop the dreaming.

Oh, well, I think it's ridiculous to
make somebody retire because of age. I

mean, age is nothing but a number.

It's easy for a young person like you to
say that.

I mean, you couldn't be more than...

How old are you, Emily?

Who, me?

In Emily's case, the number is unlisted.

Age is not what makes a person old. It's
when you have nothing to do that your

bones start to creak.

When I was forced out, I started looking
for something, and this is it. Don't

you agree, Robert?

Well, I'd be honored to have you work
with me. Excellent choice, Robert.

Oh, this is wonderful. You two are just
going to be terrific together.

Well, I missed the phone call. Let me
know when it rings again, okay, Bob?

Make that two bricks short of a load.

Carol, I need some help with a
professional problem.

The ones in the back are molars.

Carol, I'm serious. I have to decide
which of these kiddie classics to put in

waiting room.

Well, what are the books about?

Well, they're about Eddie the electric
razor, Larry the lawnmower, and Bruce

hairdryer.

Don't they have any books about ducks,
bunnies, and piggies?

Carol, kids are raised in the streets of
Chicago. When they hear the word duck,

they do.

What do they call those things floating
on the lake?

Beer cans.

Good morning. I'm Dr.

Alan Dreven.

I'm Carol Bondurant. This is Dr. Jerry
Robinson.

How do you do?

So, you're Bob's old professor.

I mean old.

You know, you're not old. You're, uh...
Well, you're old.

What I mean was, you know, you taught
Bob way back then.

Well, not way back.

is people's mouths. Too bad he can't do
a thing with his own.

Is Robert here?

Yes, he said to go right in when you
arrived.

Good morning, Dr. Draven. Good morning,
Robert.

I'd like to introduce you to my group.
This is Dr. Alan Draven. He will be my

new associate.

New? Looks more like a retread to me.

This is Elliot Carlin, Neil Peterson,
and this is Mrs.

Burl Baker.

Don't let the missus fool you. I'm a
widow.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was, too.

Until now.

Pleased to meet you.

Thank you.

My hearing's excellent.

Hey, that's great.

It's nice having a professor here. I
always like my teachers.

Kissy.

Shall we get started again, Professor?
Do you want to take a seat?

Are we going to talk in front of
Methuselah?

Mr. Cronin!

As a matter of fact, Dr.

Drebin will be handling my sessions next
week while I'm out of town.

What a handsome sport jacket, Professor.

I used to knit my late husband's
sweaters with patches on the elbows.

Why don't you put a patch on your mouth,
Bakerman?

We're talking about my problem.

Continue, Mr. Cronin. Yes, please
continue.

Thanks, Pops.

Well, this girl I've been going with, I
think she's interested in another man.

Why do you say that? She married him.

Well, just because a woman loves another
man, that doesn't mean she still

doesn't like you.

Although it is a definite possibility.

Good point, Robert.

Which brings to mind Osgood Morehouse's
essay on...

Misplaced projection anxieties, don't
you think so? This guy makes Harley

exciting.

Let me elaborate.

A man was married to the same woman for
25 years.

Oh, the silver anniversary.

Burl and I only made it to lead.

He became suspicious that his wife was
emotionally involved with the plumber,

simply because their...

Pipes were clogged six times in one
month.

I think your pipes are clogged.

Young man, in your case, perhaps fear of
rejection is justified.

Way to go, Professor Dreven.

Quit kissing up to the teacher, you
worm.

I might be a worm, but at least I'm a
married worm. I'd rather be single than

married to a water buffalo.

Nothing but a bully. If Doris were here,
she'd clean your plow.

No, she wouldn't. She'd pull it.

Does he often call Mr.

Carlin a worm?

No, no. Mr.

Carlin is a bully, Mr. Peterson's a
worm, and he's married to the water

You know why people don't like you?
Because you're a drip.

Worm. I bet you won't say that to my
face.

Worm. I'm not standing up.

Worm! Quiet!

Gentlemen, that's quite enough. Be
seated.

I will not stand for this kind of
behavior in my room. And Robert!

Yes, you've let this session get out of
hand. I want to see you out the hall

immediately.

Tina Biden here. Ah, Larry Lawnmower
meets the Crabgrass Gang.

Sounds like a goodie to me.

It's not bad. You know, see, Larry the
Lawnmower is in love with Tilly the

Trimmer, but she has been kidnapped by
the mean Crabgrass Gang.

And Larry knows that he has to mow them
down to rescue Tilly.

Unfortunately, Willie Weed is the only
one who knows the secret passage through

Crabgrass Gulch. Well,

why doesn't Willie Weed tell Larry the
Lawnmower where the secret passage is?

Don't be stupid, Carol. Weeds can't
talk.

Does Carol the receptionist talk to
Jerry the jerk?

Morning, Carol.

Well, Bob, welcome back. How was the
psychologist convention?

It was great. A lot of interesting
speeches, got some new ideas, and we won

softball tournament.

The Neo -Frodians beat the Gestalt Nine.

How's the professor doing?

Well, see for yourself. He's holding a
session right now.

And here we have the ancient Parthenon.

Close the door.

Oh, hello, Robert.

Just let me finish this slide. We're
almost done.

Slide? The Greeks were the first people
to analyze human behavior.

The word psychology, as a matter of
fact, comes from the Greek word psyche,

which means soul.

Isn't that nice?

It's all Greek to me.

Hey, down in front.

Do you think that it's just a
happenstance that Freud named all his

after the Greek myths?

Uh, Professor Grievin, do you want to
appeal that one, Robert? Not there, not

there. He knows a lot about psychology.

That's a laugh.

Mr. Farley.

I'm sorry, sir.

What are we doing here? Oh, we covered
that in the Dawn of Man lecture.

Uh, group, I'd like to talk to Professor
Grievin alone.

Well... Oh, time's up anyway. See you
next time. I know he's going to spring a

quiz on us. You want to come over and
study tonight, Colin?

Will Doris be there?

Yeah. I'd rather fail.

What are we going to talk about next,
Professor?

Something special. We're going to
discuss Freud's theory of repressed

Oh, my.

Are you going to assign us any homework?

Your homework or mine?

Hello, Robert.

How'd the convention go?

Fine. All right, thanks.

What kind of sessions have you been
having here? Robert, I've been applying

teaching techniques to the job, and it's
been working wonderfully.

Is Mr.

Peterson still fighting with his wife?

Is Peterson married?

Yes, you may...

I've heard him refer to his wife, Doris.

Ah, yes.

Actually, I think Mr. Carlin mentioned
her one time when we were looking at

slides of the Neanderthal Man.

Emily, you've been fooling me with that
alarm for 20 minutes.

Well, I can't decide whether to stay
with the sound of howling dogs or if

tonight's night for machine gun fire.

How about the sound of a psychologist
sleeping?

Why don't you just forget about it
tonight?

Fine, I won't set it. And then somebody
will break in here and they'll steal my

mink.

You don't have a mink.

I know, honey. I meant to talk to you
about that.

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Peterson?

Mr. Peterson, I can't hear you. What's
that clanging?

Doris is pumping iron.

You and Doris haven't been getting
along?

Did you tell the professor?

He just assigned you more homework.

No, I don't think there's going to be a
quiz tomorrow.

No, I won't sit next to you if there is.

What was that grunt?

Doors just clean and jerk the couch.

My congratulations to her. Goodbye.

The professor's not working out, is he,
Bob?

Not great.

I mean, he's been a teacher all his
life. He treats everybody like they're

students, even me.

That's the fifth patient that called you
tonight.

Emily, it's a bad situation.

It's not getting better.

Besides, there are personal feelings
involved.

I've got to handle this as delicately as
possible.

I can't.

Well, that's delicate.

Oh, honey.

You know I think the professor is
terrific. I mean, I think the world of

But your first concern has always been
your patients.

He isn't getting through to them either.

Bob, do you remember the first thing you
said when you got out of graduate

school?

You know, where the hell am I going to
find a job?

All right, the second thing. I don't
remember.

Well, you said, any psychologist who
doesn't put his patient's welfare above

anything doesn't deserve them. Now, Bob,
those are brilliant words.

They are brilliant words, Emily. It's
just too bad Professor Dreebham said

to me.

Here he is.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

How could you get in here without
tripping the burglar alarm?

Well, I better go off. I'm a navigator,
not a burglar.

Bob, I don't understand it. Now, I
pushed all the right buttons.

All right, let me have a look at it. You
stay in bed, Emily.

We can send a man to the moon. We
certainly can stop Howard at our front

I certainly hope so.

What's this, witch?

Powerless dinner. I want to thank you
both.

Well, it was nothing.

The hell it was.

You know how many hours I work in the
kitchen? Do you know how hard it is to

make frog's legs proven salt?

Should have gotten frog legs helper.

Professor,

why don't you go in the living room and
relax? We'll bring you coffee and

dessert in there. Can't I help clear the
table?

Absolutely not.

Perfect answer. You must have been
through the course before.

I want to do this to him.

Oh, Bob.

I know you're right.

First, let me help you wash the dishes.
No, Bob.

Want me to clear the table? No, Bob.

Well, this floor could stand some
waxing.

Honey, you're going to have to get this
over with sooner or later.

All right, just leave us alone. All
right, sure.

Bob.

Bob, what should I say?

Say... Anything.

Uh, excuse me, Professor. I have to go
in the other room and, uh,

and write my congressman.

What's she writing a congressman about?

She's, uh, she's returning his letter.

Uh, Professor, I wanted to talk to you
alone because I have a little problem.

Well, I certainly hope I can help.
You've been so wonderful to me.

It was a thrill being taught by you and
it was an honor to have worked with you.

Did I die?

When I got back from my trip, I had
several calls from my patients with

problems. They hadn't come to you to
discuss it.

The door was always open.

Yeah, but when they came in, you
lectured them instead of listening to

Robert, what are you trying to say?

Well, I'm pleased you're so happy with
the job, but it isn't working out for

Are you firing me?

Fires? You know, it's such a rough word.

Well, you certainly botched it up.

When you dismiss someone, there's no
room for emotion.

You must be specific and right to the
point.

Now, why don't you go over there, walk
in here and do it again?

Now, look, Professor... Do it again!

Yes, yes, sir.

Wait a minute. That's just what I'm
talking about. You're telling me that

flunking firing.

You're grading my life.

You're telling me that I'm firing you
wrong. Wrongly. Wrongly.

And I try to correct it. I mean, you're
still a teacher through and through.

I was a teacher for 30 years.

And you were a great professor, but this
isn't a classroom. This is real life.

Mr. Collin is a real person.

I mean, he isn't some textbook case.

He may be a textbook case one day.

You know something, Robert?

Firing me was an excellent idea.

B plus.

You always were a tough grader.

Don't get me wrong, this hurts.

In fact, the whole last year has been
pretty rough.

Professor, I did some research, and I
have a list of colleges that don't have

forced retirement.

Now, any one of them, it'd be crazy not
to snatch you up. I mean, you belong in

front of a classroom. Yes, I do.

I'll get the list.

Well, why don't we talk about it in the
morning?

You're leaving?

Yes. Will you apologize to Emily for me
when she finishes her letter? I really

must run.

So you have to leave so soon?

I have a little appointment with
Lillian.

Who?

Lillian.

Now that she's not my patient, I don't
have to call her Mrs.

Beckerman anymore.

You're planning a session this time of
night?

I certainly am.