Original subtitles

Oh.

Emily, while you're up, would you fix me a drink?

What? Just kidding.

How was your exercise class?

Good.

How do you feel? Bad.

What would make you feel better?

Death.

Now, Emily, if you feel like this after an exercise class, why do you go?

Because it's good for you.

Everybody says that exercise adds years to your life.

Yeah, I can see that. You look about 80.

What can I do? Where does it hurt?

Name a place.

Tierra del Fuego.

It's sore there, too.

Hi,

Bob. Hi, Emily. What's going on?

Howard, I'm really sore.

Because I didn't knock?

No, my body is sore from exercise class.

But I thought you were supposed to pick up your son this afternoon.

Yeah, I never had him the whole summer before. I just want to make this

important to him.

You know what's important to me?

A body without pain.

I got just the thing for that. I saw this on TV. This guy was doing yoga, and

bent over like this, and he put his hands up like this.

It really works. Try it, okay?

Howard, this is a side of you we've never seen before.

All right, I'll try it. What have I got to lose? Here, go ahead.

What do you think?

I think your socks don't match.

You know something? I had the same problem with the pair I wore yesterday.

How are things going down there, Emily?

Well, how long am I supposed to stay with my head down like this?

Well, I do too. I get lightheaded.

How can you tell?

Well, that's how I come on in.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Holly.

What are you doing there, Emily?

I'm in an upside -down cake.

Well, you're coming up with a lot of jokes, Holly.

I don't know, Uncle Bob. I just like to make people laugh.

Just like make people laugh?

You get that, Bob? You get that, Emily?

It's not a joke, Dad.

Oh, well, you owe me one.

Sometimes I'll start out a session with a joke.

Isn't it great to get a laugh?

So I've heard.

Come on, Pop. It's an old Groucho Marx movie on TV. I want to study his

technique.

Oh,

it sure is a pushover for his son, huh?

With an audience like Howard, I could be a comic. I wouldn't be so sure, Bob.

Honey, I may have to stay here all night. I really can't move.

Think you ought to call someone?

Depends on how lonesome I get.

Congratulations,

Carol. Congratulations, Jerry. Thank you, Carol. Don't mention it, Jerry.

I guess you're pretty curious to know why, so I'll tell you.

I have just got my hands on a great new anesthetic. You know why people

sometimes feel pain when they sit in my dental chair?

You're careless where you leave your pick?

It's because common Novocaine sometimes isn't strong enough. But this new stuff

is a super painkiller.

I am testing it upon myself at this very moment, so give me a good slap.

Oh!

How was that?

Oh, that was a good slap.

That was an excellent slap, Carol.

Unfortunately, the painkillers in my hand.

Oh, Jerry. Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought your face was numb.

It is now.

Hi, Jerry. How are you doing?

Well, Carol just slapped me.

Then I thought he does.

And if they offer you potato soup, take it. You're going to get it one way or

the other.

Howard, how are you? What brings you down here? The bus.

But serious, Uncle Bob. I found a comedian who teaches people to be funny.

just signed up for the summer at Mickey Milnick's School of Comedy.

Oh, good old MMSC.

Are you going to go out for the pie -throwing team?

Let the kid do the jokes, okay, Hartley?

Uncle Bob, I decided to become a comedian when I grew up. Last year you

to be a navigator.

Navigators don't play Vegas.

I apply to Vegas.

Jeez, your arms must be tired.

Kid made a fool out of you, Borden.

That's my boy.

Yeah, I bought me a comedy kit. Want to see some of my gags? Hey, I love a good

gag. Show us your stuff, Howie. Yeah, that'd be nice, Howie, but unfortunately

it's time for Mr. Carlin's session.

That's okay.

After all, laughter's the best medicine. Isn't that what you always say, Dr.

Hartley?

No, that's the reader's digest.

Oh, yeah.

I always get you two mixed up. You're both short and bland.

Okay, good. Now, we'll sit over here, and you stand up right over there.

Mr. Carlin, do you know what you're doing? Sure thing.

This is my session. If I want a floor show, I'm going to have it.

Perfect. Next time, I'll arrange for trained seals.

Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah. Dr.

Robinson, would you like to smell my flower?

How stupid do you think I am? That's the old squirting flower trick.

Yeah, right, Dr. Robinson. You guessed it. Come here. I'll tell you what.

Excuse me.

Just so the audience here can see how this trick works, you put it on, I'll

sniff it, and you can squirt me.

Okay.

Yeah, this kid really breaks me up.

Ah, excuse me, young man, would you like to smell a beautiful flower? I would

love to.

I may not know comedy, but I know what I like.

One more thing to say to you, Dr. Hartley.

You know, this kid's got a real flair.

Too bad his old man is so dull.

Heaven it.

Oh, this is one of those cans you open up and the snakes come flying out,

I can't get anything by you guys.

You saw right through my trick. Congratulations.

Too little.

Stella.

Boy, I sure made a step out of you, Hartley.

This is the best session I've ever had.

Anybody want to hear a navigator joke?

You are a navigator joke, Borg.

to do more, but I got a safe stump on my act for his second performance. Well,

that was real good stuff, Howie. Really enjoyed it, Howie. Thanks, Howie.

Come on, Dad. I want to shop for some joke books. Okay, I'll see you, Bob.

Uh, Howard, is everything all right?

Why do you ask?

Well, you didn't laugh at any of Howie's jokes.

Oh, really? Well, I must have had something on my mind. I'll laugh later.

Oh, that was great.

We still got some time left for my session.

Oh. You're right. Let's see.

Well, let's take it from the end of our last session. You were discussing your

hostility toward authority figures.

This is boring.

Don't you know any good jokes?

All right. You want a joke? You just paid $40 an hour to hear a 50 -year -old

act.

Well, this is it.

Is that the receiver?

Yeah. This is the heart of the whole system.

Are you sure you know what you're doing hooking it up yourself?

Emily, I hooked the television up myself.

Well, all you had to do was plug that into the wall.

We haven't had any trouble with it, have we?

Besides, I have the step -by -step instructions from the stereo shop. All I

to do is find step number one.

Looks like step number one is learning Japanese.

No, honey.

The English instructions are on the other side.

Awesome.

I mean, you sure you know what you're doing? I mean, maybe you should get an

expert to help you put this together.

See, Emily, that's the whole trouble with our country. I mean, lots of people

are paying a lot of money to so -called specialists to do a job that they could

easily do themselves with a little common sense and ingenuity.

Oh, hi, Bob.

Hi, Emily. I just stopped by to see if you guys were busy.

Oh, well, I'm not busy, but... See, Bob is busy demonstrating his common sense

and his ingenuity by filling this room with beautiful music.

Good man.

Howard, is anything wrong?

Well, that's why I'm here. I wanted to talk to Emily about Howie.

You want to talk to me?

Yeah, I mean, you're a teacher. You know about kids.

Oh, well, I'd be happy to talk with you, Howard.

Yeah, I'll be right here if you need me. I mean, I am a psychologist.

Well, you know, I think that's what's wrong with this country, Bob.

You know, people go into specialists for a job and they can really handle

themselves.

Fine, fine.

I have plenty to do.

You know, I'll tell you something. I'm really worried. He's really getting

involved in this comedy thing.

Oh, Howard, it'll pass. He just wants to have fun this summer.

You know, I remember one summer when I was a kid and the circus came to town,

you know.

I wanted to run away and be a tightrope walker.

No, you don't understand. He said that school is a waste of time and he belongs

on the stage.

And he said there was one leaving at dawn.

Sorry about that, Howard.

Things are a joke to the kid.

Well, Howard, why don't you just pull him out of the comedy school?

I can't do that. I'd break his heart.

Oh, I think I see what's happening here. Howard, you see, you don't get Howard

that often, so when you do, it's hard for you to refuse him anything.

Yeah, his mother was always the one who said no.

I wish she would have said it when I proposed to her.

Listen, Howard, you're going to have to get tough with him for his own sake. I

mean, he's going to respect you for it.

I can't let the kid ruin his life.

Hi, Emily. Dad?

What are you doing, Uncle Bob?

I'm just hooking up my stereo.

Listen, Dad. Mr. Moment thinks I'm so good, he wants to put me in his club ad.

He's taking me on tour.

Just like that, huh?

Yeah, I think it's a great chance for me to get some real experience as a

comedian. What do you think, Dad?

What do I think? I'll tell you what I think. You want to know what I really

think?

I think we should sew some name tags on your underwear.

I knew it would be okay with you, Dad.

Come on, I want to tell you this great joke I learned at school today.

This guy gets off the bus in Cleveland, right? Cleveland? It's funny already.

Poor Howard.

Yeah, maybe you should have talked to a specialist.

You're right, Bob.

Well, I think we're ready to go.

Specialist, Bob.

Don't say it, Emily.

So if they offer you the buffalo soup, take it. Because you're going to get it

anyway.

Hey, it's hard to be Indian.

The other day I walked into a bar. The bartender says, what'll you have?

I says, I'll have a Manhattan.

He says, that'll be $24, please.

They call us scalpers.

I'll see all of you in a moon or two, all right?

In the meantime, go and applaud.

Let's throw a few trinkets up here, okay?

Jackie Whitefeather, how about that? Jackie Whitefeather. Thank you, Jack.

a night, what a show.

Just great.

People are asking, where are those new young Indian comics coming from?

What a night, what a show.

How'd you like the Indian, Bob?

Well, they did discover corn.

Think it was as funny as Howie?

Different.

Moving along with our show, here's the next student. A great -grandmother

fulfilling a lifelong ambition to go along in the footsteps of her idol,

Don Rickles.

Now, let's give her a big, big reception.

Minnie Farber. Minnie, sweetheart.

Watch the speed bumps, darling.

I don't believe this.

Uh -oh. Get this yo -yo.

I've seen better looking heads on a lettuce farm.

George, this is definitely a bad dream.

What's your name, sir?

Uh, me?

Is that question too hard?

Yeah, well, see, I understand.

Oh, wonderful.

Give the dummy a cookie.

Is this the wife?

Yes, yes, yes.

I hope she's rich.

business is my life.

Let's all be thankful that we live in this wonderful country.

Minnie, father, how about that, folks? Let's hear it. Minnie, my darling, you

are wonderful.

Just wonderful.

Thank you. You're going to be a big star, sweetheart, but you better hurry.

Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed the show. You've seen tomorrow's comedians.

the meantime,

I'm Mickey Melnick saying God bless you, good night.

What a show. What a night.

I can't believe Howie wants to go on the road with that guy. I mean, that's no

place for a kid.

You better say something to Howard. So your little Howie's big Howie.

Yeah, yeah, nice, nice place you got here.

Thanks, it's a living.

How'd you enjoy the show?

Uh, nobody liked it better than I did.

Your boy's gonna be a big star, Mr. Borden.

Just being on the road, I mean, you know what?

What kind of life is that for a kid?

What kind of life is it for an adult?

Rotten. But if you want to be a comic, that's where you have to break in.

Where are you going to be taking him? Well, I'll take him where the clubs are.

Nevada. Las Vegas?

Nah, Elko, Henderson, Winnemucca.

Howie's good. He's going to make them forget Bob Hope and Red Skelton.

Not to mention Joe Capo.

Joe Capo. I told you not to mention him.

Did you hear that? I can't believe it. I know I'm really worried.

Howard, you better call Howie's mother and let her talk. No, anything but that.

That'd be admitting I'm a failure as a father.

She's gonna know you're not doing too good when she hears Howie's working in

Winnemucca.

And you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Yeah, you're right. Dad!

How was I?

Oh, uh, terrific, son. Terrific, yeah.

You really mean that, Dad? Yeah, you were... You were really funny, Howie.

Really funny.

Then what's wrong?

Well, Howie, I, uh... I think this comedy thing is, uh...

It was a mistake.

Why, Dad?

Why? Well, I think you belong at home, you know, not some dumpy nightclub.

Sorry you feel that way.

I do.

I have to think about this, Dad.

There's nothing to think about it, son. I mean, I thought it over.

Great. You thought it over about my life.

Come on.

Let's get out of here. I'll get you an ice cream soda. Would you like that?

I don't feel like an ice cream soda.

What do you feel like, son?

I feel like going on the road with Mickey and Billy.

Son, we'd better go with them.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir.

I hope you didn't take my little act personally.

No, no, I realize that that's... Shut up, dummy.

You'd be funnier if you were bald.

Oh, you're 20 minutes late, Hartley.

Now, I don't care about your other fruitcakes, but I do expect you to be on

for my sessions.

In the first place, Mr. Carlin, I don't like my patients being referred to as

fruitcakes, and in the second place, I am on time. Your watch is 20 minutes

fast. Oh, yeah.

I do that so I'll trick myself into being early.

Why do I do things like that, Hartley?

Probably because you're a fruitcake.

Why, shall we get started with the session?

Hey, Bob.

I've got to talk to you. How are you left home?

Oh, swell.

If World War III breaks, that'll probably break out during my session.

Don't worry, Howard. We'll find him. He left this note. Listen to this.

Oh, swell.

And you use up the rest of my time by showing your slides of Yellowstone.

Mr. Carlin, wait a minute. This is very important.

Dear Dad, that's me.

As the banana said to the ice cream, I got a split.

Well, the kid hasn't lost his touch.

Howard, he's probably at the Melnick school. Just go down there and get him.

I don't want to do that. He'd get mad at me. I want to be his friend.

Howard, if you want to be his friend, be his father now.

Oh, forget it, Hartley.

That kid's going to walk all over Borden for the rest of his life.

Hey, I can take care of my son. Why don't you go and kiss a frog?

Just go down to Melnick's and get him.

All right, I'd better put on my navigator uniform first.

What are you going to do that for?

Well, people respect me more when I'm in a uniform.

The only uniform for you is a clown suit.

Well,

anyway,

that was perfect advice you gave him.

Thank you. There's only one problem.

What's that?

Borden. You know, if he fell off a building, he'd get lost on the way down.

Maybe you're right. I'd better get to talk to Howard before Howard gets here.

What about my session?

Well, we'll pick it up when I get back. I can't wait.

Then start without me.

It all started out when I was a child.

Now we're going to try the impressions.

We're going to start off with Jimmy Cagney. Now let's get it up. Jimmy

Pass it.

Pass it.

Pass it.

That's good. That's good.

Hold it one second.

You've been doing your homework, Jackie?

All right, let me hear you, John Wayne.

Indians don't do John Wayne.

Oh, yes, I realize your reservations.

I can do John Wayne, Mickey.

Let me hear it, sweetheart.

Listen.

Listen tight, pilgrim, or you'll be dead where you sit.

Ah, Minnie.

One of the best John Waynes I ever heard. Bye, Dr. Harvey.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt the lesson. Oh, that's okay,

We're ready to take a break anyway.

This will give us a chance to practice our humble good nights.

Let's try it.

Good night and God bless.

Only in America does such a thing happen. Good night, my friends. Good

Good night.

I suppose you're here to talk to me about my dad.

Yeah, I think you ought to go home, Howie.

Uncle Bob, this is my home.

Howie, you're going to meet a lot of Mickey Melnicks in your life, but you

have one dad.

You know, turning you down was the hardest thing he had to do in his whole

but he did it because he loves you.

Gee, Uncle Bob, I don't want to hurt his feelings or anything.

Why should there turn out such a great chance for career in comedy?

I'll give you one good reason.

You're not funny.

Is that a joke, Uncle Bob?

No. Maybe one day you'll be funny, but right now you're cute.

If cute were being funny, Winnie the Pooh would be playing Las Vegas.

Why don't you take a chance on growing up?

Go back to your dad.

Howie! I want to talk to you right now.

Okay, Dad.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was thinking about enrolling in the school, Howard.

I think I'll practice my act over here.

Howie, I've had enough. I've really had enough. Now, I want you to go in there

and pack your bags. We're going to get out of here right now.

Whatever you say, Dad. Hey, don't talk back to me. I'm your father. You hear?

I'm your father. Nobody talks back to the father because when... What'd you

I want to come home.

Don't you want to hear the rest of my speech?

Maybe later, Dad.

The tour's off?

Uh... I always got time for that stuff later on.

Come on, let's get out of this place. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We'll get out of this place when I say we're going to get out of this place.

Let's get out of this place.

Is that it, Bob?

That's how to handle a kid.

You've got to be hard, but fair.

Good job, Howard.

you really have a fine chair for it.

Well, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir out on this very stage right here.

Topo Gigio for all the kitties.

And one of his comics from Chicago, Bobby Hartman. So Bobby, you want to

out here now and entertain these fine people.

Thank you, Ed. That's Hartley. Hartley.

I gotta tell you, I'm staying in a room so small the mice are hunchbacked.