All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s06e06 A Day in the Life

At this hour, 200 hogs are going through
the yard. It's lower of 100 heifers and

expected to peak at noon.

That's the market in a minute at 7 .35.

Next report.

Howard, wake up. I think I just overshot
Pittsburgh.

What are you doing in my apartment?

Howard, this is my apartment. You fell
asleep in front of the television again.

I missed it.

The end of the movie?

Channel 9's thought for the day. Now I
won't have one.

Howard, life is full of little
disappointments. No, I think that was

Wednesday's thought for the day.

Well, I have to get breakfast and get to
work. Oh, breakfast, breakfast,

breakfast. I'm so hungry.

I tell you, I could just... Howard,
Howard, keep it down. This is Emily's

day of vacation. I want her to sleep.
She's really tired.

Boy, I can't wait to get to my tennis
lesson.

I'm going to work on my forehand, my
backhand, and my footwork.

It's funny what a little extra sleep
will do for you.

Howard, did you fall asleep in front of
the television again?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

You didn't miss your thought for the
day, did you?

Yes, I did.

Well, tomorrow's another day.

I think that was two weeks ago
Wednesday.

Well, I'm going to freshen up. Hey, you
know, this is my lucky day. I don't have

to make my bed.

Why don't you make that your thought for
the day?

Thank you, Bob.

Want some breakfast?

No, I'm going to make myself a health
drink.

Bananas, papaya, pineapple, mangoes.
Sounds like you're going to eat Conor

Miranda's hat.

I thought you were going to get some
rest.

No, I decided to spend this week getting
in shape, Bob. And this drink is a very

important part of it because you know,
Bob, you are what you eat.

You had to tell me that just as I fixed
a bowl of fruit flakes.

Get there, will you, sweetie?

Hello?

Hey, Peeper!

How you doing, Peep? What do you say,
Peep?

Guess who it is, Emily.

Peep, when we're going to see you.

Tonight for a week.

He says we're meeting him in New Orleans
tonight for a week. Oh, come on, Bob.

It's just another one of his practical
jokes.

Peeper, why don't you just start
drinking this early in the morning?

Well, that's crazy.

It's a beautiful city.

Great food.

Music, too.

Al Hirt says he won't play another note
until I get there.

Listen, I've been known as a wild man.

Oh, yeah, you're a real heck -raiser,
Bob.

Pete, I can be spontaneous if you give
me a week or two, you know, to plan it

out.

I'm an old lady.

Yeah, well, I resent that, Pete.

I'm going to tell you tonight in person.

I'll see you in New Orleans.

Well, Emily, you want to beat your feet
on the Mississippi mud?

You know, you hate to travel. Usually
wild horses can't drag you away. The

makes one phone call, you're ready to
walk out that door.

Emily, you've got to be more
spontaneous.

Oh, really?

Well, Mr. Wildman, what are you going to
do about all the appointments you have

booked next week?

I'll reschedule. I'll make the
arrangements, and we'll be on a plane to

Orleans tonight.

I think I smell a bat.

You name it.

Okay.

Every year, we have trouble finding
somebody to play the Easter Bunny at the

school egg hunt.

What do I get if I win?

Oh, well, see, if you win, now you get
to spend a week in New Orleans with a

beautiful... and sensual woman.

Do I get to pick her?

What, uh, what do I have to do first?

Oh, well, first you have to get fitted
for a bunny suit.

Then you have to get plane reservations
on incredibly short notice.

Is breakfast ready yet?

Aha.

Howard, can you get plane reservations?

I don't need reservations. I sit in the
cockpit.

take a week's vacation down there. A
week's vacation?

Now, see here, we're running a business,
my friend, not a holiday inn.

You can't have people just coming and
going at the drop of a hat. Now, can we?

What do you have to say for yourself,
Hartley?

You're fired.

You need a vacation.

Welcome back.

I'll put the whole load on you, so I'll
schedule some of my appointments. I'm

going to transfer some of my patients to
Dr.

Walburn, and the others we're going to
have to double up the week after next.

Thusly. Move Mr. Marsh to 2 o 'clock. He
works afternoons. Don't stress that.

Put Mr.

Boltz at 3.

Bob, you know Mr. Boltz is terrified of
the number 3.

That's right.

Shift Mrs. Slater to Thursday.

She looks sweet on Thursday.

That's right.

Put Mr.

Peterson in the morning. That's okay.

Fine, I'll fill in the gaps.

in your office.

Already? He's been waiting there an
hour.

Sometimes I don't know whether to charge
him fees or to charge him rent.

Oh, and get me Dr. Walburn on the phone.

What do you want with Walburn?

Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.

I'm going to be leaving and I'm going to
refer some of my patients to him. Not

this patient.

Walburn's a turkey.

Walburn is a very reputable doctor.

Well, he hates me.

He doesn't hate you, Mr. Carlin. You two
just got off on the wrong foot.

It wasn't my fault about that hamster.

How was I supposed to know it was his
pet?

Besides, all I did was feed it. Putting
a little bit of cheese in a mousetrap is

not feeding.

Well, he went for it.

Yes, girl?

Dr. Woburn on line two, Bob.

Oh, thank you. Just a minute, Mr.
Carlin.

Frank? How you doing?

Yeah, listen, I'm calling because I'm
going awake. Can you cover for me next

week?

The regulars in the group.

Yeah, Mr.

Carlin will be there, too.

You'd rather be steak to an anthill.

Listen, Frank, remember I took care of
your patients last fall, and as I

I had a lot of trouble with that hockey
player.

I don't care if she is a nice lady off
the ice.

You'll take care of everyone but Carla.

Thanks, Mike. I really appreciate it.
Goodbye.

You're still sore about the rat, huh?

Mr. Carlin, I have a suggestion.

Oh, nothing doing.

I can't go a whole week without a
session.

Well, I thought maybe I'd call you on
the phone and we could have our sessions

over the phone. Not a chance. How would
I know you weren't making faces at me?

Well, if that's the way you feel, then
I'll have to cancel my trip.

I'll tell you what.

If you're gone for a whole week, then
you owe me five sessions, right?

That's right. Okay. You can give them
all to me today.

Five sessions or an Easter bunny.

Not much of a choice. You can take it or
leave it. All right. Let's get started.

Where did we leave off last time?

Well, you told me to buy this notebook
and list all my negative thoughts.

Okay. Where do you want me to start?

Why don't you start at the top?

Okay.

Number one.

$1 .95 for this stupid notebook.

$6 .87, my pajamas itch.

$6 .88, Ed McMahon will laugh at
anything.

Mr. Carlin, has this list taught you
anything about yourself?

Yes. I'm not a happy man.

But I am observant.

Mr. Carlin, don't you feel maybe you're
a bit too negative about everything?

No.

Well, why don't we pick it up there next
time, okay?

So what I should really remember is not
to take these things so seriously.

Right, exactly, like, you know, my going
away.

Number 890, hardly abandons patient.

So who's next?

The Swerdlow family.

You're treating a whole family?

Why? Well, when they came to me, they
had a great deal of hostility toward

other. You know, arguing, fighting.

Makes me feel kind of homesick.

Yeah, but now they're beginning to get
to know each other, and I think they're

becoming a lot closer.

Good morning, Dr.

Hartley.

And it seems to be working.

After you, honey.

No, no, the children must go first. No,
mother, after you.

Oh, yes, we insist on our beloved
parents.

Yeah.

It's a good thing they weren't on the
Titanic.

Hell, yeah.

Okay, all together. Ready?

Wasn't that a pleasant elevator ride? I
particularly enjoyed the sixth floor.

The important thing is that we all rode
together.

That's right.

Mr. and Mrs.

Swerdlow, Tom and Becky, I'd like you to
meet Mr. Carlin. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

You want to go into the office?

Oh, boy, another session. We love Dr.
Hartley's office. We love Dr. Hartley.

Mr.

Carlin, what do you think you're doing?

This will be one of my sessions, all
right?

Absolutely not. This is not your
session. I wouldn't want to miss this

world.

Dr. Hartley, if he wants to stay, I'd
like him to stay. We want nothing here

good feelings.

Yeah, since we've been going to Dr.
Hartley, we've been trying to like

Well, this will be your first big test.

You're a beautiful person, Mom.

Don't forget Dad, Tom.

Oh, he's beautiful, too.

Am I dreaming this?

Mr. Carlin, if you want to stay, you're
going to have to be quiet.

I'm very pleased to see that you're
working so hard at getting along

We're doing our best.

We couldn't do it without Dad. He's a
gem.

Well, I'd be lost without all of you
guys.

You're the best family a man's ever been
blessed with.

Amen. Harley, somebody's trying to put
you on.

Mr. and Mrs. Swerdlow, Tom and Becky,
it's good for a family to cooperate, but

don't think you should hide your
feelings. I mean, imitating a happy

not the same thing as being one.

We love each other, Dr. Hartley. I mean,
you've shown us that love is much

better than hostility.

God bless you, Dr. Hartley.

God bless us, everyone.

These people have taken a cab.

Quiet, Mr. Carlin.

Some patients overreact to therapy.

And in trying to correct their behavior,
they go a bit too far the other way.

Excuse me, Dr. Hartley, I have an
announcement.

This ought to be good.

Well, I've made a decision today.

I've decided that I'm going to sell my
motorcycle, give up the guitar,

And go into business with you, Dad.

Oh, son!

Mr. Swerdlow, you're a mailman.

Yes, that's right, Dr. Hartley.

But, uh, okay, he can take one side of
the street, I'll take the other. You can

take the sunny side.

Any side you're on is gonna be sunny,
son.

These people could win the Pillsbury
Borough.

Who are they trying to kid? No family's
that happy.

That's not true. We're as happy as can
be.

I think you're out of your treat.

That's it, Mr. Carlin. You're going to
have to leave.

Okay, I'm going.

Tell me something, Dr. Hartley. Have you
told your news to the Waltons here?

Any news Dr.

Hartley has is going to be beautiful.

Oh, he's finally coming to dinner.

Yeah. Yeah.

But what do we have?

and fixing my favorite fried chicken.
And apple pie.

And I'll say grace.

And plenty of good fresh milk.

Hartley's leaving town next week and
leaving you in the lurch.

Oh, now that's a lie.

Oh, he wouldn't do that to us. Not Dr.
Hartley. He knows we can't get along

without these fashions.

Well, I think you're ready to maybe try
a week on your own. You mean it's true?

That's right. He's leaving for New
Orleans tonight.

But I'm leaving you in very capable
hands. You're going out of the state?

Of course he's going out of the state.
Where do you think New Orleans is,

stupid?

What do you think you're calling stupid,
liver lips?

See, I told you we cannot get along
without these sessions.

Well, I'll tell you what we can get
along without, and that's your big

Oh, shut up. Hey, don't you sass your
mom.

Well, I'd rather sass you anyway, liver
lips.

Now, that's what I call a family.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hartley, for all
your time and help in getting us back

together after that little spat.

You're quite welcome, Mr. Swerdlow.

Yes, thank you, Dr. Hartley. You're
welcome, Mrs. Swerdlow. Thank you, Dr.

Hartley. You're welcome, Tom. Thank you,
Dr. Hartley. You're welcome, Becky.

Stop session?

Yeah, it was.

I think they're going on fine now.
They're on their way to the circus.

I'd pay to see them.

Hi, honey. Ready for lunch?

Lunch? It's vacation.

It's going to be lonesome around here
next week, huh, Carol? Yeah, Jerry's at

convention. Bob will be in New Orleans.

Who will I talk to when I call in sick
tomorrow?

Well, how's our bed coming, honey?

Figured out yet where you're going to
hide the Easter eggs?

Elhurt's beard.

Hi, gang.

Hi, Elhurt. I'm sorry I'm late.

I met the nicest family downstairs.

They asked me to go to the circus with
them.

They asked me to stop by their house for
a year.

You have the tickets, Howard?

Yeah, I'm working on it. I want to ask
you guys, how do you feel about separate

planes? Oh, no problem, Howard. Bob and
I never fly together because of our

plans.

Bob, that reminds me. Now, I got a hold
of Mr. Volz, and he can come in at 2.

Oh, good. Let me just make a note of
that. Also, Bob, Mr. Peterson switched

appointments. Good, good. Ah, there's a
707 at 6 o 'clock and an L -1011 at 610.

No, it's too early. He's coming in at
135.

Now, the new patient, Mr.

Klosterman, who was at 130, had to be
changed over to 430 in Mrs. Bakerman's

spot. 747 and 715, that makes a change
over in Knoxville. No, no, that won't.

Now, that means I'm going to change
Bakerman to 2 o 'clock Tuesday, 315

Wednesday. By 247, that doesn't leave
until 832.

It's the 331 at gate 59, which leaves at
718. Oh, now, 718, that's great.

Now, let me see if I have this. Mrs.

Bakerman... is coming in at 7 .18 and at
3 .31 at gate 2.

No, no, no, Bob. That's gate 32, and
that's the yellow concourse, and that's

been changed.

Oh, no, that's been closed since 1927.

No, no.

Bankerman at 11 .05 or 4 .30.

Okay, 2 .27 at 46 at 8 .32.

7 .15 is better than 8 .32. Or 2 .10 or
3 .15.

All right, hold it.

Whatever you said, it's okay. Just type
it up and let me know.

10 -4.

That's why I don't go on vacation.

Oh, hippity -hoppity, Easter's on its
way.

Let's see, Bob, what size would you take
in a bunny suit? About a 38 floppy?

If Howard can get the tickets, we'll be
on that plane.

Let's eat at my favorite restaurant,
okay?

Howard, I don't care where we eat. I
just don't want to make any more

So this is it. Nice atmosphere.

That's everything you said it was.

And less.

They had some free tables. Good thing we
didn't come in during the height of the

lunch hour.

Yeah, hardly anybody eats between 12 and
1.

Not exactly what we expected.

They know me here.

Here, this is for you.

Thanks for saving the table.

You guys enjoy the atmosphere and I'll
call the airport, okay?

Is there anything special you want me to
pack?

Not that I think this trip is going to
get off the ground, but I just want to

pack our bags for practice.

Yeah, you could pack my golf shoes.

I may need a raincoat.

My silver cufflinks.

Oh, and you can pack that black lace
nightgown I like.

Okay, Bob.

What slippers do you want to wear with
it?

No luck yet.

We're going to call back. Let's eat,
okay?

Now, what would you like?

The tuna, the ham and cheese, the
bologna?

Howard, I'll have anything.

Ham and cheese.

Ah, the tuna here is... I mean, they're
noted for their tuna.

Of course, there's a lot to be said
about the ham and cheese. Well, don't

it, Howard. Just give me a sandwich.

All right, honey, I'll get the drinks.
What do you want? Orange soda. What

The sandwich is stuck in the chutes.
That's one flaw in this restaurant.

chutes.

Howard, do you know what you're doing?

Bob, I've been here before.

Uh -oh.

What's wrong?

I think I'm stuck.

Howard, is there anything we can do?

Yeah, would you put a quarter and push
the tuna button?

I got another sandwich.

I'm still stuck, but I got another
sandwich.

If you get that, it may be for me.

Uh, hello?

Yes, he is here.

Howard, it's for you.

Bob, would you help me move this machine
over to the phone?

Just tell him he has his hands full. Oh,
uh, hello, can I take a message?

Ah, fine. Thank you.

Bob, I've got great news. We've got our
plane reservations to New Orleans.

Son of a gun, gonna have big fun.

There's only one problem. The plane
leaves two hours earlier than we

Son of a... gun.

I'll never make it in time.

Well, look at it this way, Bob.

At least you know what you're gonna be
doing this Easter.

You better be packed, because I...

I'm going to be on that plane.

Thanks, Bob.

Glad no one ordered the Jell -O.

Kind of in a hurry now.

Okay, just a quick trim. Going on a
little trip, huh?

Yeah, New Orleans. I appreciate you
coming in on your day off. Hey, I was

to, Bob. You're one of my best
customers. I'm just glad you caught me

did. I had one more margarita. I would
not be able to stand up.

You know, Mel, maybe the hair isn't that
long, you know?

Hey, Bob, I am fine, really. Why don't
you just sit down?

He wants to know if he can come in
today. He's having problems with Doris

Let me talk to him.

Mr. Peterson, what's the problem with
Doris?

That isn't a nice thing to call your
wife.

Okay, I'm ready for my next session.

Hey, is that your barber? Yeah, this is
Mel.

I just saw him downstairs a couple
minutes ago. The cops are giving him a

balloon test.

See, Daisy.

I think they can pop it back into place,
Mr. Peterson.

Bob, I bet you really feel bad about
having to go away for a week, leave all

your patients, huh?

I wouldn't worry about it. You don't
have any really serious loonies, do you?

We don't refer to them as loonies, Mel.

I can't reschedule Mr. Harris on
Wednesday. That's the day he steam

cats.

Sounds loony to me.

This doesn't look like a session to me.
Oh, jeez. I'm sorry, Bob. Six days, that

won't show at all.

real bad time but the christmas card
company called and they want to know

color you want your envelope i want this
flopped in back i want some attention

hi hi everybody hi honey you ready to go
can i change hairs with mrs slater how

long you want it on the side this is
supposed to be my session bob i couldn't

find your brown pants everybody quiet

Mel, go home and sleep it off. Mr.
Peterson, I'll call you when I get to

Orleans. Mr. Carlin, you're coming in
the cab with us. I'll give you a session

there.

Switch Mr. Slater with Mr. Harris and
Harris with Peterson and make the

screen. Emily, let's get out of here. I
don't need my brown pants.

And I did it. Nothing can stop me now.

Dr. Hartley, Dr. Hartley, thank God we
found this. They just told us some

horrible... They were never married.

Have the tickets?

Yeah, here you are, honey. You earned
them. You did a terrific job with the

squirt loads.

You know, I even amazed myself on that.
A wedding in a cab?

You know, I must admit, several times
today, I didn't think we were going to

make it. Well, I'm proud of you. You
know, you really are a wild man.

You're fine.

One moment.

Phone call for Dr. Robert Hartley.

I'm Dr.

Hartley. Do you know a guy called the
Reaper?

The Peeper.

Sorry. Here.

Hey, Peep, we're on our way.

Jazz on Bourbon Street, Creole food.

What's that, Peep?

What do you mean that's one on us?

Because you're not going, it's a gag.

That's real funny, Peep.

He says it's a gag, he's not going.

Well, Peep, you know what kind of
aggravation I've been through?

The swerve lows, rescheduling. We're
going to go anyway.

And we're going to have a million
laughs.

Right, Emily?

That's telling him, Bob.

Listen, why don't you put these things
on the plane? I want to give them a

of my mind.

All right, but, you know... Go easy on
me.

Hello, Peep.

It worked like a charm.