Original subtitles

Oh, Emily, the dinner tonight was delicious.

I don't know how you managed to make that squash so tasty.

It was broccoli.

That's your secret.

Where are the sport papers? I'm reading it.

Why? Well, I want to learn about sports so we can talk about it.

Bob, what's a free agent?

A free agent is a...

An athlete who's completed his contract with a particular team, and he's now

available to play for some other team.

Well, how does the other team sign him up?

They bid on him.

Doesn't bidding drive the prices up?

Of course it does. That's the reason for it.

And why do they call him a free agent? I mean, shouldn't they call him an

expensive agent?

No, free refers to being free.

Free.

Good, Bob. That really clears it up for me.

Bob, look at this.

It's a picture of Mr. Corlin.

What's he doing in the newspaper?

There's an article here. He's going to build a new shopping mall on the north

side. Gee, that's a good picture of him.

He must have been taken at the groundbreaking ceremony.

Well, he looks kind of rugged and windswept.

That's his outdoor tooth.

Asked how he felt about ripping out one of the city's most beautiful parks to

build a shopping complex, Elliot Carlin replied, you don't have to mow concrete.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Hi, Howard. Are you having coffee before dinner?

No, we're having coffee after dinner.

I suppose you have something that tied me over to breakfast.

Would you like a cup?

No, it doesn't match my china.

I'll have some coffee, though.

How was your flight, Howard?

Terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible. I hate those short hops.

Up and down and up and down. Tokyo, Chicago, Tokyo, Chicago.

Sounds like a milk run.

I wasn't completely lost.

Look what I brought in Tokyo.

It's a beeper. Oh, a paging device.

I'll bet it's handy.

Yeah, sure. Well, I'm glad you like it, Bob. I got something for you, too.

I wonder what it could be.

The beeper.

I got it just in time. It's starting to make its first beep.

I wrapped the wrong one. Here, this is yours.

This is mine, Bob.

I've got to call my answer. Let's see if everybody's trying to reach me. Here we

are. Then I'll leave my name and see if I have any messages.

PowerPoint here.

Yeah, thank you.

These are terrific. I mean, if you wanted to talk to me, you could just

You want to talk to me, big boy? All you have to do is just whistle.

That... That's unbelievable.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ray, I'm on my way.

Anything serious, Howard?

Three jumpers just have been grounded.

Well, if they've been grounded, why do they need you there?

Are you kidding? That puts 35 airline stewardess at the remote end with

to do.

See ya.

me that thing.

You're kidding? Of course I need it.

I mean, now I could be reached in case of an emergency.

You never have any emergencies.

I... Emily, I have a lot of emergencies.

I'll name one.

You want to know my favorite emergency?

Why don't you just do them, Emily?

Well, stop if you want, Emily.

But in my profession, the more accessible you are, the more successful.

Hi, Mrs. Hartley. Hi, Dr. Hartley. Hi, Mr. Garland.

We were just reading about you in the paper. I know, so have a lot of people.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but this is sort of an emergency.

An emergency, you say?

Not another one.

Well, I'll just leave you alone with your patient like I always do when you

an emergency.

Why don't we sit down, Tom?

Okay. What's that thing?

Oh, it's an electronic beeping device.

It's an invaluable tool for the professional man.

Whenever you had a crisis in your life, all you'd have to do is just have me

beep. I'll send you a case of batteries.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, I want you to be honest with me. Really late on the line.

If somebody asked you how I do with women, what would you say?

Well... Loser city, right?

I wouldn't say that. I mean, you're shy.

Sometimes you're somewhat hostile toward women.

They tend to make you feel inadequate, insecure, inhibited.

I guess loser city is pretty good.

Well, I've just been hit with a paternity suit.

Of course, that's only one doctor's opinion.

You have nothing to worry about, Miss Brown. Justice will be served.

Financial responsibility will be affixed to whomsoever is adjudged the father of

your child.

Now, if you could just narrow it down to some specific team in the National

Football League.

Okay.

Okay. I'll give you time to think it over.

Bye.

Yes? Mr. Carlin is here to see you.

Send him in.

Are you Earl Stanley Plummer, attorney at law?

That's right.

I'm Elliot Carlin, pure as the driven snow.

I see. And I presume that this is your lawyer.

Plummer, this case is such a joke. I don't even need a lawyer.

This is my psychologist, Dr. Robert Hartley.

Mr. Carlin, you can't plead insanity in a paternity case.

Mr. Carlin asked me to appear here with him today because he was under my care

during the period of time in question.

Ah, so then you're here more as an amicus curiae.

More or less, yes.

What does that mean?

That's a legal term for what I am.

It means friend of the court, Mr. Carlin.

Exactly.

Dr. Hartley has records here that will prove this paternity suit is nothing but

a fraud, a fiasco, and a frame -up.

Sit down, please, gentlemen. Sit down.

Mr. Plummer, what does this woman hope to gain by filing a paternity suit seven

years after the fact? My client, Leslie Greeley, has absolutely no interest in

Mr. Carlin other than to obtain financial support for her young son.

Just who do you think you're dealing with, Sawbones?

Mr. Carlin, I believe Sawbones usually refers to a surgeon.

Oh, yeah?

What's her lawyer?

A mouthpiece.

Clever, I would very much appreciate your giving me a look at that.

Yeah, Clever, read those and weep.

That is the day -to -day account of Mr. Carlin's thoughts, words, and actions

during the month of July.

During the summer that Mr.

Carlin allegedly met Miss Greeley in Southern California, he was under my

care in my office in Chicago.

A rubber ducky?

That's a family heirloom, Homer.

So, in my professional opinion, there would be no way that he could have made

to Southern California, much less made it...

Much, much less madness grief.

Well, that takes you off the hook.

Well, it's been very nice meeting you both.

Did you really go for six months without removing your hat?

Well, I'm glad we were able to clear this matter up so easily.

Yeah, better luck next time, Plummer.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Plummer. I thought you were alone. Oh, that's all right.

right in. We were just finishing up. Who's that, Plummer?

Well, gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Leslie Greeley, the young woman we've

talking about.

What do you do?

Miss Greeley, I'm afraid that Mr. Carlin here has conclusive proof as to his

absolute innocence, so I'm going to have to ask you to reconsider.

Mind your own business, plumber.

Well,

what the heck is going on?

Who is running that dental supply office? I mean, who is running that

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I sense that all is not well in Jerryland.

This is no joking matter, Carol. I ordered 500 bibs for my patients. They

supposed to have on them pictures of Tommy Tooth fighting me, old Mr.

Toothicake. And what did they send me? They sent me lobsters.

Lobsters. Oh, Jerry, that's too bad.

You must really be steamed.

must have put you in a pinch.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to butter you up.

Maybe you don't understand.

Certain things are sacred to certain people.

You're absolutely right. Now, it'll never happen again. No more lobster

Just don't be such a crab.

Just straighten this out.

Like tomorrow morning.

or you, Carol, are going to be in hot water.

Hi,

Bob. How was lunch?

Very quiet.

The beeper is broken.

Hi, Bob.

I've had it for three days. It hasn't even beeped yet.

Did you call the service again?

Yes, Bob, and they assured me that you're beepable.

Carol, I better make sure this thing is working.

Call the service and have them put through a beep for me.

Okay, Bob. Who shall I say is calling?

Tell them I'm calling.

Will do. One mercy beep coming up.

Yes, girl?

Bob, the service wants to know if the call to yourself is urgent.

Of course it is. I want to get a hold of myself as soon as possible.

All right, send him in.

Hello, Dr. Hartley.

Remember Leslie, the woman I had my way with?

Of course, how could I forget?

Hello, Doctor.

Well, where's little Billy? He's out saying hello to Aunt Carol.

Dr. Hartley, I wanted to come here because I think there are a few things

have to straighten out today.

Well, fine. Why don't you take a seat and tell me what seems to be the

Oh, Dr. Hartley, somebody seems to be beeping you.

Oh, it's not important.

How do you know? It could be an emergency.

It's just a routine beep.

Answer it.

This is Dr. Hartley, number 96.

Thank you very much. Tell him I'll get right back to him.

Who was it?

Uh, me.

Called yourself?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

I used to be that lonely.

Dr. Hartley, we've got something to talk about.

Okay, Miss Greeley.

I think I've made a mistake.

Mr. Carlin is not the man.

This is quite a sudden turnaround.

You don't have to do that, sweetheart.

It's just that after spending three days with Edmund... Elliot.

Elliot.

I know.

Bet he's not responsible.

Honey, you don't have to protect me like this. I'm not protecting you. I'm

protecting me. I never would have gone out with you in a million years.

I'll tell you the truth, Doctor.

Elwood is... Elliot.

Elliot is nothing like the man I remember being with.

He's nothing like any of the men I've ever been with.

Or hoped to be with.

Miss, really, it sounds like you're withdrawing your suit.

That's right.

He was in Chicago and I was in Los Angeles that entire summer.

What's a few miles when you're in love?

Miss Bailey, would you mind if I talk to Mr. Carlin a little?

Oh, sure.

And listen to your Dr.

Elmer. Elliot!

Well, it's obvious you're not the father of her child.

Of course not. I don't think she's even particularly fond of you.

I don't think she's so hot either.

Well, then what is it?

I like the kid.

And believe it or not, he seems to like me too.

I like being a father.

Now, what's the harm in that?

Well, this whole thing started out as a fraud. I think it's a mistake.

My whole life is full of mistakes, but this one keeps me company.

But what's it going to lead to? What's it going to lead to? I'm teaching this

kid everything I know.

Someday the sign will say...

Welcome to Chicago.

Carlin and son, proprietors.

Excuse me, Dr. Hartley. Billy is here.

Dr. Hartley, I'd like you to meet my son, Billy.

Billy, nice to meet you.

How are you enjoying Chicago?

Well, the town's a little soft on commercial property, but we can sell a

condominium to every sucker with ears.

There's something about that boy I like.

Bob, I'm so sorry I got held up at school. I hope you don't mind eating

takeout stuff.

Oh, that's all right. I know it would be nice to change the pace from food.

Sure, it's heavily wrapped.

Yeah, I never saw a hamburger with hospital corners before.

Mr. Carlin stopped by today.

Oh, how is bachelor father?

Uh, he's fine. Leslie isn't seeing him anymore, and she's withdrawn the

in the suit.

Oh, I'm glad that's over.

Well, it isn't really over.

Mr. Carlin's seeing a lot of Billy.

Oh, that's nice.

But Bob, has Elliot Carlin told Billy he's not his real father yet?

Not in so many words.

In any words?

No words.

Emily, I think I'm on to something.

The napkins.

Why did they wrap paper in paper?

Maybe they thought I wanted a dinner gift wrap.

I can't turn back now. I'm starved.

You know, Bob, Elliot Carlin should really tell Billy he's not his father. I

mean, the longer he waits, the harder it's going to get.

Emily, I can't tell my patients what to do. All I can do is point them in the

right direction.

Well, did you point Mr. Carlin?

Of course I did.

Emily, I think I'm onto something here.

Ketchup.

What is this? An order of mummies?

You know, Bob, there is more to a father and son relationship than four closing

mortgages together. Now, Billy should find out in the wrong way he's going to

get hurt.

Maybe I should talk to Billy.

Hold it, I think I've hit it.

A burger.

Perfect timing.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. Oh, boy, burgers. I love burgers.

Dig in, Howard. I always order enough for three. Good.

You pass the ketchup?

Well, let's take it from the top.

Where would I go if I were a hamburger?

We'll have Mr. Carlin call today.

He wants to take our children to the movie Saturday afternoon.

That's nice. Little Howie should get along great with Billy.

Well, Howie can't make it. I thought maybe you'd like to go along, Bob.

It's not a bad idea.

Give me a chance to talk to Billy.

Well, sure, Bobby.

You can have supper and takeovers if you like.

I'll throw name tags in your business.

What's Howie doing?

Oh, nothing. He just doesn't want to go to the movie with me anymore. He says I

ask too many dumb questions.

Bob, have you found anything yet?

Not a thing. Wait, I have a plan.

Let's split up.

We'll go in separately.

If anybody finds anything, they send up a flare.

How's your beeper working?

Fine, just fine.

Drive you crazy, that sound?

Oh, boy, mine keeps beeping so much I'm starting to sound like the Roadrunner.

I'm getting used to it.

Let's face it, Harley, you're 46 and never been beeped.

And I can't wait to see this movie.

You're gonna like Star Wars, Billy.

Give you some idea of what your father goes through every day in the real

business.

Don't you think you're stretching things a little, Mr. Carlin?

I hope there's not a lot of that kissing and smooching in this picture.

Yeah, why would anybody want to kiss a girl?

It's a good way to stop them from talking.

Wait a minute.

Don't you like girls, Billy?

Nah. What good are they?

Hey, Billy.

I think the time has come for you to have a man -to -man talk about the facts

life.

Tell him, Harley.

I think that's your job, Mr. Carlin.

What are you guys talking about?

Well, um...

Billy, when... When a man loves

a woman. Oh, you're talking about sex.

I'd rather have some popcorn.

For me, I want to hear about sex.

I'll get you some popcorn when we go in the theater. Billy, come over here.

We'll have a little talk. Hold your place in line, Bob.

Well, you, uh...

Mr. Carlin's been spending a lot of time together, haven't you? We sure have.

Dr. Hartley, why does he go to you?

Well, some people have difficulty dealing with the complexities and

modern life.

You mean he's bananas?

No, I wouldn't say that.

I don't think Mr. Carlin has any more problems than the average man.

He certainly doesn't have any less.

What do you think of Mr. Carlin? I think he's the greatest.

It's neat having a fluff like all the other kids.

You know, it's important to have somebody to look up to, Billy.

In life, you don't want to end up like... You know, like someone less

than ourselves.

Where's your telephone? I gotta call my server.

Any messages, Carol? Oh, yeah, one, and it's urgent.

Mr. Carlin's coming over. He's in a big hurry. He said he can see you for only

five minutes.

Starting now.

What's the matter, Carol? Haven't you ever seen a rich man's knees before?

Tell the jokes, Billy. It happens to be Father and Son Day at the Lincoln Park

Zoo. Mr. Carlin, would you come in my office?

Have a good talk with Dr.

Hartley, Dad. He's the greatest.

Don't get carried away, Billy.

Sit down, Mr. Carlin.

Oh, no, thanks. That cheap fabric could tickle my thighs.

I guess you came here to talk about Billy.

First of all, I want you to tell me what a great father I am.

Billy seemed to be getting along fine.

Yeah, but his mother's given me a lot of heat.

She wants me to tell him the truth that I'm really not the father.

That makes two of us.

I don't want to. You got to.

I mean, he told me Saturday he trusted you more than anybody else in the world.

Yeah, he does trust me. That's why I don't want to tell him the truth.

Mr. Carlin, the truth never hurt anyone.

Oh, yeah?

You're short, you're talking cliches, and your beeper doesn't beep.

All right, it hurts a little.

Sit down, Mr. Carlin.

Mr. Carlin, I've been your doctor for a long time.

And if I've ever given you a piece of advice that I thought was really

important, this is it.

You should tell Billy.

Maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Okay.

Good luck.

Wait a minute. I think it's your job to tell Billy.

I don't want to tell him.

Besides, that's what I'm paying you for.

I couldn't stand to see the look on his face.

I don't know, Tom.

Okay. Do a better job than you did with the facts of life.

Willie, Dr. Hartley has something to say to you.

Oh, goodbye, kid.

Nice knowing you.

Sit down, Billy.

Uh, no thanks. The fabric will tickle my thighs.

Billy, I have something very important to tell you.

Mr. Carlin loves you very much. I know that.

And, uh, secondly, he's not your real father.

I know that, too.

And that doesn't bother you?

Nah.

How long have you known he wasn't your real father?

I knew it all along.

But what the heck? I don't have a father.

I might as well give the job to someone who wants it.

And you don't think this will change things between you?

Nah. We'll keep things just the way they are.

You're a good kid, Billy. Thanks, Hartley.

Hiya, Billy.

Hi. Can I still call you Billy?

Sure. Let's go to the zoo, Pop.

Hey, thanks, Harley.

I want you didn't blow it.