All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s06e04 Who Was That Masked Man

I think this is the best Hamlet we've
ever seen.

Oh, boy, this one does go on and on.
Don't you worry.

We're going to short it right down to
the sword fight. And just in case you

Joseph Knopf, I've got something here to
wake you up. Well, makers of used cars

down here at Crazy Ed's are going to
give you cars, isn't it?

Why do they call me Crazy Ed?

What are the prices on that 71 Polaro?

Oh, donkeys!

I ought to be in a rubber room.

Are we going to put up with Crazy Ed?

That is the question.

And this is the answer.

Well, I guess it's just as well.

We've got to get up early tomorrow, you
know.

That's the trouble with weekends. No
matter how terrific they are, you know,

they always end on Monday morning.

You know, this has been one of the best,
huh?

I'm really glad about what we've been
able to accomplish this weekend.

We didn't accomplish anything.

Exactly.

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but
we've got a busy week ahead of us.

And you've got to decide what you're
going to wear to that costume party

tomorrow night.

Oh, Emily, are we really going to that
stupid costume party?

That stupid costume party is for your
favorite charity, and we are committed.

We should be committed for agreeing to
go to the costume party.

I've got to pick up the costumes
tomorrow. Now, what do you want to go

Invisible Man.

Now, honey, you've got to go as the man
you most admire.

That would be Abraham Lincoln.

What's so funny?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

She said Abraham Lincoln was so tall.

I'll go as young Lincoln.

I thought Howard was out of town. That's
not Howard.

How do you know that?

When was the last time Howard knocked?

Dr. Hartley, I'm glad I caught you home.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Hartley. I'm sorry to
bother you at this hour, but something

terrible has happened. No, it's no
bother.

Sit down, Mr. Peterson. Thank you.
Listen, I'll leave you two gentlemen

I'm going to go see what's happening
with Crazy Ed.

Oh, I didn't know you had another
patient, Dr. Hartley.

No, she's talking about a guy on
television. Oh, you have a lovely wife.

thank you.

I had a wife once.

Are you and Doris having problems?

You bet.

We said some things to each other that
can never be forgotten or forgiven.

Like what? She called me a spineless,
gutless, wishy -washy, pansy face.

That's pretty rough. What did you say to
her? I said, and not, and not.

Who can blame you?

But, I mean, you and Doris have had
fights before.

This time, Doris said I'm a failure as a
husband and as a man.

She said a real man would be more
forceful and assertive.

She didn't consider am not, am not
assertive.

She might have if I'd said it to her
face.

Excuse me, Mr. Peterson. If that's
Doris, duck.

Who is it?

Why don't you open the door and find
out?

Oh, Dr. Hurley, I've got to talk to you.

About what? I'm having a hard time
sleeping.

How can I help?

Just talk to me a little while.

If that doesn't put me to sleep, nothing
will.

I'm afraid Mr. Peterson is here to help
you. Peterson?

You got a nerve bothering Harley this
hour of the night.

What's eaten you?

Life. The last thing that went right for
me was World War II.

Fine, if another war breaks out, we'll
call you. Now beat it.

Mr. Carlin, Mr. Peterson was describing
his marital difficulties.

Yeah, Doris threw me out of the house.

Oh, Doris of the Apes strikes again.

That's just like you, Carlin. Kick a guy
when he's down. Down? You should be the

happiest man alive.

How can you say that? You've never even
seen Doris.

I've seen her fist marks in your face.

Mr. Carlin, I can handle this. Oh,
listen, Peterson. You've got to face it.

marriage is the worst.

Well, we have had our hills and valleys.

When's the last time you saw a hill?

1962.

Now, doesn't that tell you something? If
you go back with that old bag, your

troubles will never end.

Mr. Carlin, I think your approach is way
off base. No, he's right.

That woman has pushed me around for 15
years.

Yeah, you should enjoy yourself.

Now's your chance to be something
besides a wimp.

Yeah.

Thanks, Colin, I will.

For once in my life, I'll do what I
want. I won't listen to anyone. I'll

own decisions.

Is that okay with you, Dr. Harley?

Don't listen to him. Come on out. We'll
go have a couple drinks.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's go raise old
Ned.

I'll buy the drinks. Yeah, I feel like
doing something really wild tonight. I

might loosen my tie.

Dr. Hartley. You help me a lot.

That's what psychologists are for.

Well, I think we've waited long enough
for Mr.

Carl and Mr. Peterson.

Why don't we begin the session without
them? Would you like to be first?

No.

Yes, Carol.

Bob, you better open your door.

Why, girl?

Just do it.

We've been out all night celebrating,
Dr. Hartley. Oh, they're such scabs.

Let's sit down, buddy.

I'm with you, buddy.

one strawberry daiquiri after another.

Yahoo! Yahoo!

I haven't had so much fun since the old
Gimo.

From the halls of Montezuma to the
shores of Tripoli.

Yahoo! Mrs. Bakerman, I'd like to
apologize for these two. I think we'll

schedule the session for later.

I'd like to speak to Mr. Carlin and Mr.
Peterson in private.

All right, Dr. Hartlick.

You know, you two are very cute.

And I'm glad that you're having fun.

But next time you want to tie one on, do
it on your own time.

Dr. Harley, I'd like to make a
statement.

What is it, Mr. Peterson? The greatest
man who ever lived were Alexander the

Great Napoleon and my buddy Elliot
Collins. Thank you.

I guess you know you've ruined this
session.

Yes, Carol?

Mrs. Peterson is online too, Bob. She
wants to know if her wife is here.

Doris! Uh, bring in lots of black
coffee.

Hello?

Yes, Mrs. Peterson.

Well, I've heard a lot about you too.

Yes, he's right here. I'll put him on.
It's your wife. Tell her I'm not here!

Well, I'm sure she just heard you.

Tell her it's somebody who sounds like
me.

Mr. Peterson, nobody sounds like you.

Will you answer it, Emil?

This is the time to make your stand.
Stick to your guns.

This isn't the okay corral, Mr. Hart.

Hello? Doris?

Can you lower your voice, Emil?

Hello? Doris?

Oh, that's nice.

wants me to come home. She says she
forgives me.

Oh, that's good. It's a start.

Now, wait a minute. She kicked you out
of the house. Tell her you'll come home

when you're good and ready. Oh, I don't
know, Elliot.

From the halls of Montezuma.

Doris, I'll be home when I'm good and
ready.

There's only so much a man can stand.
There's only so much a man can stand.

I've stood as much as I'm going to. And
I've stood as much as I'm going to.

Mr. Peterson, stop and think about what
you're doing. Mr. Peterson, stop and

think about what you're doing.

Say goodbye.

Goodbye. Now, hang up.

Well, how did it feel to be your own
man?

Great. Great.

Well, there's no point in our talking
today. Why don't you go home, Mr.

Peterson, and sleep it off, and I'll see
you tomorrow alone.

I don't have a home to go to.

Yes, you do, Emil.

How's that, Elliot?

As long as I have a roof over my head.

and an expensive carpet under my feet,
you too shall have a home, Emil.

Gentlemen, I hate to interject a sour
note, but I hasten to remind you that

the past seven years you've hated each
other's guts.

Yeah, I used to think Emil was a total
wimp. And I used to think he was a

horse's patoot.

From the halls of Montezuma.

Why do I have this sudden urge to throw
rice?

Mrs. Bickerman, I want to thank you for
coming in on your lunch hour. I'm sure

we won't be interrupted this time.

Do you want to begin?

No.

Well, I'm glad to see you haven't lost
your momentum.

Here you go, Bob. Now, you had a tuna
with lettuce and tomato on whole wheat

hold the mail, right? That's right.

Well, I'm afraid they got the orders
mixed up. You have the organic sandwich.

What's on it?

Alfalfa sprouts.

Spinach, sunflower seeds, and kelp.

I better not. I think Emily's having
kelp for dinner tonight.

Well, would you mind if I took it home
then? Sure.

Why? Well, I want to have some around in
case the Cousteau's drop by for dinner.

Mrs.

Bickman, are you sure you wouldn't like
something? I didn't come here to eat. I

came here to talk.

Yes, Carol?

Oh, tell her I'm with a patient. I'll be
out in... Are you Hartley?

It's your Doris.

I didn't mean to barge in, but I didn't
want to give my runt of a husband a

chance to slip out the back way.

Well, there is no back way, and I
haven't seen your runt, your husband, in

last couple hours.

Well, I have to find him.

Who's the knitter?

Mrs. Peterson, this is Mrs.

Bakerman. How do you do? Are you Mr.
Peterson's wife?

That's right.

I've heard about you.

You don't look like a moose.

Well, now that we've exchanged
cordialities, Mrs.

Bakerman, maybe we'd better reschedule
the meeting for later this week. Very

well, doctor.

I hope you find your dear husband.

I'd like to sit down, Mrs. Peterson. I'm
too upset to sit down.

That runt stood up to me today, and he
was here when he did it. Did you put him

up to it? It wasn't me.

You never had the nerve to talk to me
like that before?

Well, I think I should tell you, Mrs.
Peterson, he was a little drunk at the

time. Doesn't take much to make him
drunk. Every time he has a piece of rum

cake, he calls me and Napoleon the
greatest men who ever lived.

Well, I'm sorry for what happened,
but...

I was under the impression that you
wanted him to be more assertive.

Well, I thought I did. I thought we'd
have a better marriage if he wasn't

quivering in his boots all the time.

The man's supposed to be the boss, isn't
he?

Well, you're just going to have to
accept Mr. Peterson the way he is.

Well, maybe trying to turn a male into a
man wasn't such a hot idea.

How do I get the little guy back?

Well, why don't you let me talk to him?

I've been a psychologist for a long
time. We have a very...

Closed personal relationship.

Excuse me, Bob. I have a message for
you. Mr. Peterson just called and he

dropped you as his psychologist.

And that's all he said? He did add one
personal note.

What was it?

He was never one for long goodbyes.

Didn't you get my message?

Yes, yes, I did, Mr. Peterson. That's
sort of why I'm here.

Oh, I see I have the right apartment.

Isn't the picture great?

Wherever you stand in the room, Elliot's
eyes follow you.

I've had that feeling ever since I first
met him.

Mr. Peterson, you have the right to
discontinue therapy whenever you want. I

just think you owe me a better
explanation than the one I got. Oh, I'm

I left my neurosis behind me when I got
rid of Doris.

Well, I'm very happy for you. What I
needed all along was a friend. Now I've

got... I think I should tell you I've
talked to your wife, and I think it

be a good idea if you talk to her also.

Elliot says I don't need her. Elliot
says I'd be better off without her.

says I'll be happier a single man.

What do you say?

I'll ask Elliot.

Where is Mr. Carlin? Oh, he's catching
40 winks.

You know, he was up all night consoling
me.

How that man loves me. Well, if this is
the way you feel, I certainly respect

your decision. I just wanted you to know
if you ever need me, I'll be available.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hartley. We'll keep
in touch.

Oh, if ever I run across anybody whose
life is poop, I'll send them over.

I want you to know that you really did
help me.

Well, I tried.

I'm such a kidder. Living with you is
really going to be fun.

Can you hold it down, Peterson?

I got such a bad headache, my hair
hurts.

This isn't even my hair.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, buddy.

Where do you want me to put my things?

Ecuador.

One after another.

What are you doing in my apartment?

Oh, what you need, Elliot, is something
in your stomach.

I'll whip us up some chickpea on toast.

Do you have any lard?

near me with food, you're going to be
wearing it.

Always a gag with you, just like last
night.

From the halls of Montezuma.

Oh, my God.

It's starting to come back to me now.

I was hoping I dreamt all that. Oh, it
was no dream, Elliot.

You saved my life. I'll be in your debt
forever.

How about if we just clear out now and
we'll call it even?

Elliot, you said I could stay here with
you.

People say things when they're bombed
that they're sorry about later.

Now, wait a minute. I left my wife and
my home. I fired my psychologist all

because I thought you were my friend.

Everybody has bad days.

Look, Carlin, if you want me to leave,
just come out and say so.

Leave.

Okay, I can take a hint.

It was well while it lasted.

Speak for yourself.

Wait a minute, Pearson.

Yeah? I can't let you leave like this.

That's the friend I know.

You owe me four hours' rent.

Leave the money on the table.

and I can get her to look like, but if
she looked like that, she was very

pretty. Aw, thank you, sweetheart.

By the way, oh, Mr.

Peterson called.

Oh, how's he doing?

Not well.

I'm surprised to hear that. I just saw
him.

Well, he and Mr.

Carlin had a tiff.

Starsky and Hutch aren't getting along?

Mr. Peterson is very upset by it, Bob.

No, no, he wasn't sure where he'd be, so
I gave him our number at the party in

case he wants to reach you later.

I, uh, I guess we're still going to the
costume party.

No. No, I'm just dressed like this
because we have a sick plant.

Did you, uh, did you get my Lincoln
outfit?

Oh, well, uh, about that, honey. See,
now, I went all over town, and they're

out of Lincoln outfits.

Oh, great. We don't have to go. Now,
Bob, Bob, we have to go.

I'll wear a suit.

You have to wear a costume.

I don't have a costume.

Well, see, I got you a substitute
costume.

There is no substitute for Abraham
Lincoln.

Now, Bob, this man was a lot like
Lincoln. I mean, he lived at the same

wore black, and he helped the oppressed.

Who is it?

Zorro.

You're kidding.

Well, Bob, it was the last costume they
had in the store.

Emily, I'm not going out in public
dressed as Zorro.

Afraid it'll blow your cover?

This is not a joke. Now, Bob, people are
suspicious. You know, they have never

seen you and Zorro together at the same
time.

I'll look ridiculous.

Honey, it's just a charity party, and
it's a very worthy cause.

All right.

I'll go.

I'll have to sneak downstairs so nobody
sees me.

Well, you could just whistle for the car
and leap to it out of the window.

Where did you get that Lincoln outfit?

Miami.

Well, you look just wonderful, Howard.
But, you know, it's just not you.

Of course it's not me. It's Lincoln.

Well, it's a costume party.

How would you like to trade your Lincoln
for a Zorro?

I've never driven a Zorro.

Hey, look, Peterson, we can still be
buddies.

I promise if you come in off the ledge,
I'll never make any more jokes about

your wife, Godzilla.

Leave me alone, Colin. When I came back
for my suitcase, you said get out of

your apartment as fast as I could.

That's what I'm doing.

I'm going to go out there. Oh, no.

If anybody comes out here, I'll do
something crazy.

What do you think you're doing right
now, Peterson?

Is there anybody we can call?

I phoned his psychologist. He's on the
way. Oh, good, because all I can say to

him are a bunch of tired old cliches.

That's all a psychologist can say to
him.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Hartley. I'm Mr.
Peterson's psychologist.

You're a psychologist.

Do you have some identification?

See a spot for a wallet in this outfit?

That's him, officer.

Hartley, you better get out there fast.

Out there?

You're in luck, Peterson.

There's somebody here to help you.

you dressed like that?

They were out in Lincoln costumes.

Look, Mr.

Peterson, what's important is that you
come in off this ledge. This is no

solution to your problem.

There is no solution to my problems. I
don't have a wife, I don't have a best

friend, and I don't have a psychologist.

I'm your psychologist and I'm here.

You better make it quick, Hartley. Your
stallion is double parked.

Let me handle this, Mr. Carlin, all
right?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Zorro likes to work alone.

Look, Mr.

Peterson, let's get off this ledge. Why
should I, Dr. Hartley? I don't have a

friend in the world.

Well, I'm your friend. No, Dr.

Hartley, you're my psychologist.

A friend is someone who invites you out
for a beer now and then.

You want to have a beer?

Not with you dressed like that.

Look at what you're doing, Mr.

Peterson. You're laughing. Now, let's go
inside and talk this over. No, Dr.

Hartley. I'm laughing on the outside,
but I'm crying on the inside.

Nobody cares for me.

That's not true, Mr.

Peterson. I mean, a lot of people care
for you. Look at those people down

They don't even know you, and they're
asking you not to jump. No.

They want me to jump.

You're both wrong. They want Zorro to
jump.

Be careful on this ledge.

Yeah, it's only made out of concrete.

I was.

And Mrs. Peterson, were you happy having
him as a doormat, a pansy face?

I was.

I now pronounce you doormat and wife.

Why don't you just forget about what
marriages are supposed to be? I mean,

important thing is that they work and
you're happy.

Masked man makes sense.

Makeup, if you know what I mean.

Peterson, jump while you got the chance.

Mr. Carlin, haven't you caused enough
trouble for one day?

If this is settled, let's go inside
where we can't be seen.

After you, sweetheart.

No, no, honey, you.