Original subtitles

I think this is the best Hamlet we've ever seen.

Oh, boy, this one does go on and on. Don't you worry.

We're going to short it right down to the sword fight. And just in case you

Joseph Knopf, I've got something here to wake you up. Well, makers of used cars

down here at Crazy Ed's are going to give you cars, isn't it?

Why do they call me Crazy Ed?

What are the prices on that 71 Polaro?

Oh, donkeys!

I ought to be in a rubber room.

Are we going to put up with Crazy Ed?

That is the question.

And this is the answer.

Well, I guess it's just as well.

We've got to get up early tomorrow, you know.

That's the trouble with weekends. No matter how terrific they are, you know,

they always end on Monday morning.

You know, this has been one of the best, huh?

I'm really glad about what we've been able to accomplish this weekend.

We didn't accomplish anything.

Exactly.

Well, it was fun while it lasted, but we've got a busy week ahead of us.

And you've got to decide what you're going to wear to that costume party

tomorrow night.

Oh, Emily, are we really going to that stupid costume party?

That stupid costume party is for your favorite charity, and we are committed.

We should be committed for agreeing to go to the costume party.

I've got to pick up the costumes tomorrow. Now, what do you want to go

Invisible Man.

Now, honey, you've got to go as the man you most admire.

That would be Abraham Lincoln.

What's so funny?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

She said Abraham Lincoln was so tall.

I'll go as young Lincoln.

I thought Howard was out of town. That's not Howard.

How do you know that?

When was the last time Howard knocked?

Dr. Hartley, I'm glad I caught you home.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Hartley. I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, but something

terrible has happened. No, it's no bother.

Sit down, Mr. Peterson. Thank you. Listen, I'll leave you two gentlemen

I'm going to go see what's happening with Crazy Ed.

Oh, I didn't know you had another patient, Dr. Hartley.

No, she's talking about a guy on television. Oh, you have a lovely wife.

thank you.

I had a wife once.

Are you and Doris having problems?

You bet.

We said some things to each other that can never be forgotten or forgiven.

Like what? She called me a spineless, gutless, wishy -washy, pansy face.

That's pretty rough. What did you say to her? I said, and not, and not.

Who can blame you?

But, I mean, you and Doris have had fights before.

This time, Doris said I'm a failure as a husband and as a man.

She said a real man would be more forceful and assertive.

She didn't consider am not, am not assertive.

She might have if I'd said it to her face.

Excuse me, Mr. Peterson. If that's Doris, duck.

Who is it?

Why don't you open the door and find out?

Oh, Dr. Hurley, I've got to talk to you.

About what? I'm having a hard time sleeping.

How can I help?

Just talk to me a little while.

If that doesn't put me to sleep, nothing will.

I'm afraid Mr. Peterson is here to help you. Peterson?

You got a nerve bothering Harley this hour of the night.

What's eaten you?

Life. The last thing that went right for me was World War II.

Fine, if another war breaks out, we'll call you. Now beat it.

Mr. Carlin, Mr. Peterson was describing his marital difficulties.

Yeah, Doris threw me out of the house.

Oh, Doris of the Apes strikes again.

That's just like you, Carlin. Kick a guy when he's down. Down? You should be the

happiest man alive.

How can you say that? You've never even seen Doris.

I've seen her fist marks in your face.

Mr. Carlin, I can handle this. Oh, listen, Peterson. You've got to face it.

marriage is the worst.

Well, we have had our hills and valleys.

When's the last time you saw a hill?

1962.

Now, doesn't that tell you something? If you go back with that old bag, your

troubles will never end.

Mr. Carlin, I think your approach is way off base. No, he's right.

That woman has pushed me around for 15 years.

Yeah, you should enjoy yourself.

Now's your chance to be something besides a wimp.

Yeah.

Thanks, Colin, I will.

For once in my life, I'll do what I want. I won't listen to anyone. I'll

own decisions.

Is that okay with you, Dr. Harley?

Don't listen to him. Come on out. We'll go have a couple drinks.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's go raise old Ned.

I'll buy the drinks. Yeah, I feel like doing something really wild tonight. I

might loosen my tie.

Dr. Hartley. You help me a lot.

That's what psychologists are for.

Well, I think we've waited long enough for Mr.

Carl and Mr. Peterson.

Why don't we begin the session without them? Would you like to be first?

No.

Yes, Carol.

Bob, you better open your door.

Why, girl?

Just do it.

We've been out all night celebrating, Dr. Hartley. Oh, they're such scabs.

Let's sit down, buddy.

I'm with you, buddy.

one strawberry daiquiri after another.

Yahoo! Yahoo!

I haven't had so much fun since the old Gimo.

From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli.

Yahoo! Mrs. Bakerman, I'd like to apologize for these two. I think we'll

schedule the session for later.

I'd like to speak to Mr. Carlin and Mr. Peterson in private.

All right, Dr. Hartlick.

You know, you two are very cute.

And I'm glad that you're having fun.

But next time you want to tie one on, do it on your own time.

Dr. Harley, I'd like to make a statement.

What is it, Mr. Peterson? The greatest man who ever lived were Alexander the

Great Napoleon and my buddy Elliot Collins. Thank you.

I guess you know you've ruined this session.

Yes, Carol?

Mrs. Peterson is online too, Bob. She wants to know if her wife is here.

Doris! Uh, bring in lots of black coffee.

Hello?

Yes, Mrs. Peterson.

Well, I've heard a lot about you too.

Yes, he's right here. I'll put him on. It's your wife. Tell her I'm not here!

Well, I'm sure she just heard you.

Tell her it's somebody who sounds like me.

Mr. Peterson, nobody sounds like you.

Will you answer it, Emil?

This is the time to make your stand. Stick to your guns.

This isn't the okay corral, Mr. Hart.

Hello? Doris?

Can you lower your voice, Emil?

Hello? Doris?

Oh, that's nice.

wants me to come home. She says she forgives me.

Oh, that's good. It's a start.

Now, wait a minute. She kicked you out of the house. Tell her you'll come home

when you're good and ready. Oh, I don't know, Elliot.

From the halls of Montezuma.

Doris, I'll be home when I'm good and ready.

There's only so much a man can stand. There's only so much a man can stand.

I've stood as much as I'm going to. And I've stood as much as I'm going to.

Mr. Peterson, stop and think about what you're doing. Mr. Peterson, stop and

think about what you're doing.

Say goodbye.

Goodbye. Now, hang up.

Well, how did it feel to be your own man?

Great. Great.

Well, there's no point in our talking today. Why don't you go home, Mr.

Peterson, and sleep it off, and I'll see you tomorrow alone.

I don't have a home to go to.

Yes, you do, Emil.

How's that, Elliot?

As long as I have a roof over my head.

and an expensive carpet under my feet, you too shall have a home, Emil.

Gentlemen, I hate to interject a sour note, but I hasten to remind you that

the past seven years you've hated each other's guts.

Yeah, I used to think Emil was a total wimp. And I used to think he was a

horse's patoot.

From the halls of Montezuma.

Why do I have this sudden urge to throw rice?

Mrs. Bickerman, I want to thank you for coming in on your lunch hour. I'm sure

we won't be interrupted this time.

Do you want to begin?

No.

Well, I'm glad to see you haven't lost your momentum.

Here you go, Bob. Now, you had a tuna with lettuce and tomato on whole wheat

hold the mail, right? That's right.

Well, I'm afraid they got the orders mixed up. You have the organic sandwich.

What's on it?

Alfalfa sprouts.

Spinach, sunflower seeds, and kelp.

I better not. I think Emily's having kelp for dinner tonight.

Well, would you mind if I took it home then? Sure.

Why? Well, I want to have some around in case the Cousteau's drop by for dinner.

Mrs.

Bickman, are you sure you wouldn't like something? I didn't come here to eat. I

came here to talk.

Yes, Carol?

Oh, tell her I'm with a patient. I'll be out in... Are you Hartley?

It's your Doris.

I didn't mean to barge in, but I didn't want to give my runt of a husband a

chance to slip out the back way.

Well, there is no back way, and I haven't seen your runt, your husband, in

last couple hours.

Well, I have to find him.

Who's the knitter?

Mrs. Peterson, this is Mrs.

Bakerman. How do you do? Are you Mr. Peterson's wife?

That's right.

I've heard about you.

You don't look like a moose.

Well, now that we've exchanged cordialities, Mrs.

Bakerman, maybe we'd better reschedule the meeting for later this week. Very

well, doctor.

I hope you find your dear husband.

I'd like to sit down, Mrs. Peterson. I'm too upset to sit down.

That runt stood up to me today, and he was here when he did it. Did you put him

up to it? It wasn't me.

You never had the nerve to talk to me like that before?

Well, I think I should tell you, Mrs. Peterson, he was a little drunk at the

time. Doesn't take much to make him drunk. Every time he has a piece of rum

cake, he calls me and Napoleon the greatest men who ever lived.

Well, I'm sorry for what happened, but...

I was under the impression that you wanted him to be more assertive.

Well, I thought I did. I thought we'd have a better marriage if he wasn't

quivering in his boots all the time.

The man's supposed to be the boss, isn't he?

Well, you're just going to have to accept Mr. Peterson the way he is.

Well, maybe trying to turn a male into a man wasn't such a hot idea.

How do I get the little guy back?

Well, why don't you let me talk to him?

I've been a psychologist for a long time. We have a very...

Closed personal relationship.

Excuse me, Bob. I have a message for you. Mr. Peterson just called and he

dropped you as his psychologist.

And that's all he said? He did add one personal note.

What was it?

He was never one for long goodbyes.

Didn't you get my message?

Yes, yes, I did, Mr. Peterson. That's sort of why I'm here.

Oh, I see I have the right apartment.

Isn't the picture great?

Wherever you stand in the room, Elliot's eyes follow you.

I've had that feeling ever since I first met him.

Mr. Peterson, you have the right to discontinue therapy whenever you want. I

just think you owe me a better explanation than the one I got. Oh, I'm

I left my neurosis behind me when I got rid of Doris.

Well, I'm very happy for you. What I needed all along was a friend. Now I've

got... I think I should tell you I've talked to your wife, and I think it

be a good idea if you talk to her also.

Elliot says I don't need her. Elliot says I'd be better off without her.

says I'll be happier a single man.

What do you say?

I'll ask Elliot.

Where is Mr. Carlin? Oh, he's catching 40 winks.

You know, he was up all night consoling me.

How that man loves me. Well, if this is the way you feel, I certainly respect

your decision. I just wanted you to know if you ever need me, I'll be available.

Well, thank you, Dr. Hartley. We'll keep in touch.

Oh, if ever I run across anybody whose life is poop, I'll send them over.

I want you to know that you really did help me.

Well, I tried.

I'm such a kidder. Living with you is really going to be fun.

Can you hold it down, Peterson?

I got such a bad headache, my hair hurts.

This isn't even my hair.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, buddy.

Where do you want me to put my things?

Ecuador.

One after another.

What are you doing in my apartment?

Oh, what you need, Elliot, is something in your stomach.

I'll whip us up some chickpea on toast.

Do you have any lard?

near me with food, you're going to be wearing it.

Always a gag with you, just like last night.

From the halls of Montezuma.

Oh, my God.

It's starting to come back to me now.

I was hoping I dreamt all that. Oh, it was no dream, Elliot.

You saved my life. I'll be in your debt forever.

How about if we just clear out now and we'll call it even?

Elliot, you said I could stay here with you.

People say things when they're bombed that they're sorry about later.

Now, wait a minute. I left my wife and my home. I fired my psychologist all

because I thought you were my friend.

Everybody has bad days.

Look, Carlin, if you want me to leave, just come out and say so.

Leave.

Okay, I can take a hint.

It was well while it lasted.

Speak for yourself.

Wait a minute, Pearson.

Yeah? I can't let you leave like this.

That's the friend I know.

You owe me four hours' rent.

Leave the money on the table.

and I can get her to look like, but if she looked like that, she was very

pretty. Aw, thank you, sweetheart.

By the way, oh, Mr.

Peterson called.

Oh, how's he doing?

Not well.

I'm surprised to hear that. I just saw him.

Well, he and Mr.

Carlin had a tiff.

Starsky and Hutch aren't getting along?

Mr. Peterson is very upset by it, Bob.

No, no, he wasn't sure where he'd be, so I gave him our number at the party in

case he wants to reach you later.

I, uh, I guess we're still going to the costume party.

No. No, I'm just dressed like this because we have a sick plant.

Did you, uh, did you get my Lincoln outfit?

Oh, well, uh, about that, honey. See, now, I went all over town, and they're

out of Lincoln outfits.

Oh, great. We don't have to go. Now, Bob, Bob, we have to go.

I'll wear a suit.

You have to wear a costume.

I don't have a costume.

Well, see, I got you a substitute costume.

There is no substitute for Abraham Lincoln.

Now, Bob, this man was a lot like Lincoln. I mean, he lived at the same

wore black, and he helped the oppressed.

Who is it?

Zorro.

You're kidding.

Well, Bob, it was the last costume they had in the store.

Emily, I'm not going out in public dressed as Zorro.

Afraid it'll blow your cover?

This is not a joke. Now, Bob, people are suspicious. You know, they have never

seen you and Zorro together at the same time.

I'll look ridiculous.

Honey, it's just a charity party, and it's a very worthy cause.

All right.

I'll go.

I'll have to sneak downstairs so nobody sees me.

Well, you could just whistle for the car and leap to it out of the window.

Where did you get that Lincoln outfit?

Miami.

Well, you look just wonderful, Howard. But, you know, it's just not you.

Of course it's not me. It's Lincoln.

Well, it's a costume party.

How would you like to trade your Lincoln for a Zorro?

I've never driven a Zorro.

Hey, look, Peterson, we can still be buddies.

I promise if you come in off the ledge, I'll never make any more jokes about

your wife, Godzilla.

Leave me alone, Colin. When I came back for my suitcase, you said get out of

your apartment as fast as I could.

That's what I'm doing.

I'm going to go out there. Oh, no.

If anybody comes out here, I'll do something crazy.

What do you think you're doing right now, Peterson?

Is there anybody we can call?

I phoned his psychologist. He's on the way. Oh, good, because all I can say to

him are a bunch of tired old cliches.

That's all a psychologist can say to him.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Hartley. I'm Mr. Peterson's psychologist.

You're a psychologist.

Do you have some identification?

See a spot for a wallet in this outfit?

That's him, officer.

Hartley, you better get out there fast.

Out there?

You're in luck, Peterson.

There's somebody here to help you.

you dressed like that?

They were out in Lincoln costumes.

Look, Mr.

Peterson, what's important is that you come in off this ledge. This is no

solution to your problem.

There is no solution to my problems. I don't have a wife, I don't have a best

friend, and I don't have a psychologist.

I'm your psychologist and I'm here.

You better make it quick, Hartley. Your stallion is double parked.

Let me handle this, Mr. Carlin, all right?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Zorro likes to work alone.

Look, Mr.

Peterson, let's get off this ledge. Why should I, Dr. Hartley? I don't have a

friend in the world.

Well, I'm your friend. No, Dr.

Hartley, you're my psychologist.

A friend is someone who invites you out for a beer now and then.

You want to have a beer?

Not with you dressed like that.

Look at what you're doing, Mr.

Peterson. You're laughing. Now, let's go inside and talk this over. No, Dr.

Hartley. I'm laughing on the outside, but I'm crying on the inside.

Nobody cares for me.

That's not true, Mr.

Peterson. I mean, a lot of people care for you. Look at those people down

They don't even know you, and they're asking you not to jump. No.

They want me to jump.

You're both wrong. They want Zorro to jump.

Be careful on this ledge.

Yeah, it's only made out of concrete.

I was.

And Mrs. Peterson, were you happy having him as a doormat, a pansy face?

I was.

I now pronounce you doormat and wife.

Why don't you just forget about what marriages are supposed to be? I mean,

important thing is that they work and you're happy.

Masked man makes sense.

Makeup, if you know what I mean.

Peterson, jump while you got the chance.

Mr. Carlin, haven't you caused enough trouble for one day?

If this is settled, let's go inside where we can't be seen.

After you, sweetheart.

No, no, honey, you.