Original subtitles

Bob, glad you made it.

Scotch and water.

Jerry, I can only stay for one drink.

What's the rush?

Jerry, in a few minutes, all the other officers are going to let out, and it's

going to be very crowded in here.

Ah, that's when I love it. Wall -to -wall secretaries.

You can hardly move without feeling guilty.

Hold it, Bob. My radar just picked up a UFO.

Unidentified foxy object.

Hi there.

Jerry Robinson here.

Capricorn. What's your sign?

No trespassing.

Her mouth said no, but her eyes said I like your style.

I must have missed that part, Jerry.

Jerry, instead of sitting here and watching you break women's hearts, could

just have a drink and talk about politics or something? Sure, sure.

Hold it. I'm about to run for office.

Hi there, sweet thing.

How'd you like to boogie on down with a guy who really knows where it's at?

Well, he is kind of cute.

I'm married.

Oh, that's too bad.

Know any single guy?

Him.

That figures.

Last time I wear this aftershave.

Jerry, it's not the aftershave. It's you.

Me? Are you kidding?

If I were a girl, I'd be crazy about me.

I'm sure you'd make a nice couple.

Jerry, don't you think you come out a little strong?

Are you telling me how to get girls?

I'm not telling you how to get girls. I just think you ought to change your

attitude.

Something wrong with my approach?

No, that's great for a kamikaze pilot.

Jerry, when you meet a woman you like, what's wrong with just a nice, like, how

do you do?

How do you do?

Look, I'm looking to meet a sweetie here, not Grandma Walton.

It's Friday. Jerry's got to be here. Carol, I can't do this. I've never asked

man out before.

The first ten or eleven times are the hardest.

Oh, there he is. Over at that table over by the bar.

Which one's Jerry?

Oh, well, you see the one who looks like a dentist?

Yeah. It's the other one. Oh.

Maybe he's kind of cute.

Yeah. But listen, I feel uncomfortable asking out a perfect stranger. Don't

worry, Jackie. There's nothing perfect about Jerry.

But he's a nice guy now. Come on.

Well, hi, guys.

Oh, I like her. Hi.

I would like you to meet my friend, Jackie Windsor.

We go to the same beauty shop.

She's been sneaking in extra visits.

How do you do? I'm Bob Hart. Hello.

And this is Dr.

Jerry Robinson.

How do you do?

Jerry, would you like to go to a concert with me tonight?

Bob, you're a genius.

Well, Mr. James, it's always a pleasure to start a relationship with a new

patient.

I don't have to ask you what business you're in.

Sit down.

if you're comfortable.

Well, what seems to be the problem?

Well, Doctor, Frank here wants to break up the act and go out on his own.

The, uh, the dummy...

He says I'm holding him back.

Mr. James, you, of course, realize that he can't do anything without you.

Well, that's the way it started, but Frank here has really developed as an

entertainer. I think he's got what it takes to be a star, a big star.

Well, thank you, Denny.

Why do you think Frank wants to go out on his own?

Duck. I've outgrown the man creatively.

Mr. James, are things going well professionally?

Yeah, we're just starting to do great.

Well, possibly this fantasy you have about Frank leaving is basically because

you're afraid of success.

He's terrified, Doctor, and not just of success.

He's scared to try anything new. Last week we put the glass of water trick in

the act.

Oh, yes, I've seen that one. How'd it work out?

It was perfect.

No, it wasn't, Danny.

I didn't want to say anything, but you were supposed to drink the water.

And that's when you decided to...

And

that's when you decided to leave the act.

You got it, Doc.

Say, listen.

Why don't you give us a minute by yourselves?

Grab yourself a cup of coffee, will you?

You want me to go outside?

Do I stutter, Doc?

Okay.

Fine, I'll... I'll be right outside if you need me. Love you, Doc.

Doc?

Did you leave a patient in there by himself?

and I could go downstairs and get you a cup.

Thank you, Carol.

My pleasure.

Ah, Bob, I've got a question. Jerry, don't go in there. I have a patient in

there and they're talking.

Well, we can talk out here.

Good. It's about Jack.

Oh, Carol's friend. Yeah, how'd that go? Oh, Bob, the concert was just the

beginning. Jerry, afterward, you don't have to tell me all the details. Yes,

do.

only two people in the world all weekend.

Glad to see you so happy. I have never been so miserable in all my life.

Another way of dealing with it.

I just know she's getting ready to dump me.

She said something.

Bob, when you've been dumped as often as I have, you learn to recognize the

signs.

Jerry, possibly you're just imagining.

Bob, pretend you're a psychologist.

it a try, dear.

Now, you tell me if it's my imagination after you watch Jackie and me together

tonight.

Tonight? Yeah.

You and Emily, Jackie and I are going to dinner at Madison's. Was that okay?

I guess so, yeah. Good. Now all I have to do is ask Emily and Jackie.

Oh, uh, Mr. James, how'd it go?

Not too well.

That's too bad. Well, why don't we go back in and pick it up from where we

started? Uh, not right now, Doctor.

Frank said he'd like to talk to you alone.

A restaurant that still serves crabgrass.

Enjoy your dinner.

Les gendarmes.

Jerry, this stroganoff is delicious. Thank you for recommending it. Mon

How's your steak, honey?

A little rare.

A little rare?

You waved your napkin in front of it. It might charge.

Why, why don't you send it back?

No, I'll just, uh, I'll eat the ends.

Hope you had a big lunch.

Yes. Today, Jerry and I had the craziest lunch.

Peanut butter and banana sandwiches with champagne.

Maybe if I just pass this over that candle a couple times.

Why are you sitting there with a steak that has never been near anything warm?

Because if I send it back, by the time I get it back, you will all have

finished. and I'll be sitting here alone, eating, and you'll be staring at

I'll send it back. Excuse me.

Everything is satisfactory?

Everything except the steak. It's a little on the rare side.

But you distinctly said medium rare.

If you wanted to cook more, you should have specified medium.

This is medium rare.

Yeah, well...

You see, sometimes when you want it medium, they cook it more than medium.

And then it's too late.

But see, this way we've caught it in time.

In time for what?

In time for you to take it back to the chef and have him cook it, not medium,

not rare.

But medium rare.

Medium rare.

Medium rare.

There you are.

And make it snappy.

You're so cute when you're merciless.

In the meantime, honey, you want some stroganoff? No.

Oh, save some room for dessert. The chocolate mousse here is magnificent.

Oh, I better skip dessert or I'm going to end up modeling pup tents.

Emily, are you going to finish your garnet?

No, I'm trying to cut down.

You know, modeling isn't all glamour. I mean, Jackie works very hard at her job.

Oh, but there's a lot of pressure in that job. I mean, you have to smile all

time, no matter how you feel.

Well, smiling's something you just have to learn if you want to be a model.

Or a president.

Jerry, uh, how many peas would you say you had there?

You have to lose before you felt it.

Oh, oh, here.

Have some peas.

There you go. Jackie, are you sure there's enough food for you?

Yes. Actually, I'm full.

Uh, Bob, would you like some of my watercress?

Maybe just a taste.

Jerry, would you excuse me? Oh, sure.

I'll be right back.

Listen, darling, if the waiter asks, I'd just like a cup of coffee for dessert.

Okay, I'll let you taste my mousse.

Okay.

Well, Bob, what did I tell you?

She's gone.

Jerry, she just went to the ladies' room. If that's all it was, Bob, she

have taken Emily with her. Women always do that in pairs.

I'm telling you, she is out to ditch me.

But Jackie is obviously crazy about you.

It looks like she's having a great time. Come on, Bob, you heard what she said.

She can smile no matter how she feels.

Jerry, aren't you taking this thing a little too far?

As far as they've taken my steak.

Emily, I was a fool to think that a beautiful model could fall for a dumb

dentist. Jerry, you're putting her up on a pedestal and you're throwing yourself

in the gutter. I mean, she's just a person and so are you. And a very

and attractive man.

Well, you're right there.

I mean, I'm as good as she is. Of course you are.

It's like you said, Bob.

She's just another person.

I mean, where does she get off making me squirm like this?

Who does she think she is?

Who does she think I am?

What does she think she's doing stringing me along like this?

Sorry I took so long.

Did you miss me? Yeah, does it? Nobody makes a fool out of me.

What does he mean, nobody makes a fool out of him?

Uh, Jerry's the kind of guy who likes to make a fool of himself.

Mr. James, very often a ventriloquist is a shy person, and he represses his true

personality and then puts that personality in the dummy. What sort of

you recommend for... I

really think you ought to try a trial separation.

I think for the next couple of weeks you should come in for the sessions alone.

That's perfect.

I'll make sure he shows up.

Step in the right direction. You want to work out with Carol next week's

appointments? Thank you very much, Doctor.

Say, Doc.

Yes, Frank.

See that I get the bill.

I'd feel better about it.

Sure, Frank. Ciao.

for dinner tonight, all right?

Failing.

Nothing more.

Nothing more.

Does that involve you swallowing your radio?

Jerry,

I want to talk to you about last night. Say no more, Bob.

I came to apologize for last night. I am sorry.

You should be, Jerry.

Jackie deserves better treatment than that.

She's the one you should apologize to. I already did. I sent her a telegram.

Don't you think a telegram's a little impersonal, Jerry? I also sent her a can

of macadamia nuts.

She loves those.

How romantic.

Say it with nuts.

Jerry, I think you're just trying to avoid seeing her. I don't want to see

Bob. I broke up with her.

And you know...

I feel terrific.

Come on, let's go to lunch. I'll buy.

Okay.

Stay for the whole meal.

Oh, hi. Hi, Jackie.

Tom?

Hi, Jackie. I guess you came to see Carol. No, actually, Jerry, I came to

you. Well, I guess you two want to be alone. Why don't you stay by?

Did you get my telegram?

Nice touch, nuts.

I leave my light sign on the office.

Look, Jackie, there's really nothing to talk about.

It was just one of those things that happens over a weekend.

I don't understand, Jerry.

Can't we talk?

Look, it was just one of those things.

Just one of those crazy things.

One of those bells that now and then rings. It was a trip to the moon on

Gossamer Week.

Things were going really well.

Party's over.

It's time to call it a day.

If I'd wanted that kind of explanation, Jerry, I could have put a quarter in a

jukebox.

That wasn't easy to do.

That wasn't easy to watch.

I'm going to make sure Jackie's all right.

Jerry, it's your life, you know, and I don't want to interfere.

But girls like Jackie don't come along every day of the week.

I need my freedom, Bob.

Put a collar on a hummingbird.

But you can put a muzzle on a jackass.

Sure nice of you guys to have me over for breakfast.

I got the idea when you knocked on our door with your cereal bowl.

I'll get it.

That could be.

Couldn't be me. I'm here.

See if I come in?

Of course.

Jerry, you look like you've been up all night.

I've been up all night. You look it. Why don't you come on in?

Jerry, shall I fix you some breakfast?

I can't eat. I came to talk.

There's only one person I feel I can talk to.

Why don't we talk in the den, Jerry?

You're not that person, Bob.

problems, right?

Shows all over your face.

Yeah, we single guys got to stay together.

Ah, she walked all over you, right?

Howard. Yeah, come on.

Come clean. She dragged you right down in the dirt. She made you feel like two

cents. Howard. Just spilled your guts.

She ain't to cry.

I don't want to talk to you either, Howard.

Why did you drag me into this?

I came to see you, Emily.

That's dumb. What does she know about women?

I'd be happy to talk to you, Jerry.

Why don't we have our breakfast in the den?

Okay.

What do you want to watch, Wonderbug or The Flintstones?

Emily, I want an honest opinion.

How come every time I start a relationship with a woman, something

to screw it up? I mean, look at Jackie and me. You know, you'd have a lot more

luck catching girls if you'd stop running away from them.

She's got a sense of sticking around.

I mean, she could never love me.

How do you know that? I mean, you never gave her a chance.

Jerry, you know who you remind me of?

Cyrano. Cyrano?

What are you talking about?

The play, Cyrano de Bergerac.

But a sword fighter, wasn't it? Oh, no, no, Jerry, Cyrano was much more than a

sword fighter. I mean, he was a man who had everything. He was talented, he was

witty, he was charming.

But he had no confidence in himself when it came to women.

I can understand that.

You see, all his life, He loved a woman named Roxanne, and he wanted her to love

him, too. He wrote her beautiful love letters in another man's name, and,

she loved him so much, she married the other man.

But Cyrano wrote those letters.

That's right, Jerry, and it wasn't until years later, when Cyrano and Roxanne

were old and alone, that she discovered that he wrote those letters, and that it

was him that she'd loved all along.

I mean, it was so sad, because he never told her he loved her, and...

And he cheated himself out of a chance for a life together.

He died in her arms.

And her last words to him were, It was you all along.

It was him all along?

Why did he tell her?

Because he was afraid.

Jerry, why don't you give her a call?

Oh, Jackie and I are history.

Love's not like a tennis game, you know. You only get one serve.

Your doubles partner just walked in.

Oh, no.

I can't let her see me here with you.

It's not exactly the high point of my week, either.

What I mean is, Bob, I can't let her see me here without a date.

It'll look like I'm not having a good time, like I can't get my mind off her.

Wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea, would we?

Jerry, you've been coming here three nights hoping to run into her. Now there

she is. Go over and talk to her.

I think I'll go over and talk to her.

What am I going to say?

You'll think of something.

You get rid of Carol.

Me? Why me?

I can't do everything, Bob.

What am I going to say? You'll think of something.

Be subtle.

leaving, Jerry wants to talk to you alone. Good idea.

Hi, Jackie.

Mind if I sit down?

Sure.

So, uh... How's it going?

Fine.

And you?

Fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

Miserable.

Jackie, I'm sorry about all this.

I was a jerk to run out on you like that. I really like you, Jerry. You

certainly have a funny way of showing it.

Why did you drop me, Jerry?

Because I was afraid that you were going to drop me. And why did you think that?

Because you're a woman.

Because I'm Jerry Robinson.

Falling in love scares the daylights out of me.

Never gave yourself much of a chance, did you?

Well, I'd like to give us a chance, starting now.

I promise I won't run out on you. What do you say?

I'm sorry.

But the whole thing really was a mistake from the beginning.

Goodbye, Jerry.

It was just one of those things.

of your system.

Now, can we stop playing games?

Oh, I'd love to stop playing games, Jackie. Good.

And from now on, I'll trust you, Jackie. And I will trust me. Oh, I'm glad,

Jerry.

Hey, I've got a great idea. Huh? How about dinner at my place?

Terrific. Good.

Just let me go to the ladies' room to freshen up. Great.