All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s06e02 Ex-Con Job

Well, Dr. Harley, how do you like prison
so far?

Well, it's a nice place to visit. I
certainly wouldn't want to live here.

Yeah.

You'll have to excuse me, but when I'm
nervous, I make bad jokes.

Well, don't worry, doctor. If any of
these guys give you any trouble, I'll be

right outside. Around here, they call me
the hammer.

Well, if it ain't...

your shoes, eh? One of these days we're
going to go too far.

Hey, go Jack.

Remember what I said, Dr. Hartley. I'll
be right outside.

That's very comforting.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

You do straight?

Yes, that's right. Mr.

Tatum, I'm a psychologist. My name is
Dr. Robert Hartley.

You can call me anything you want.

I see the hammer has been taken already.

The warden has invited me here to
conduct

a

seminar to sort of prepare you men for
the day when you're going to leave the

prison and reenter society.

And in the next few weeks, we're going
to try to prepare you for the challenges

you can expect with your new...

Are there any questions so far?

Why are you here?

I thought I just covered that.

Oh, nice job.

Gentlemen, I think we could communicate
better if maybe we got a little closer

together.

I know I'm going to sound like a
complainer, but maybe this is just a

close.

Why don't I get it here?

I think that's better.

Why don't we start by introducing
ourselves?

Okay, Bob.

I'm Steve Copelson.

Harvard. Class of 49.

Debating team.

Have a lovely wife and daughter.

And I'm not a crook.

Good, good, Mr. Copson.

My name is Ruben Ortiz, and I am here
unjustly. I am a political prisoner.

What did you do?

I stole the mayor's car.

Mr.

Brolio, do you want to tell us something
about yourself?

My lawyer's name is Herman Shapiro.

Well, you see, I'm not here in official
capacity, so anything you said would be

held in strictest confidence.

Herman Shapiro.

Would you like to add a bit to that?

Herman K.

Shapiro.

Well, I hope in the next few weeks you
feel like talking more, otherwise I

be of much help to you.

All right.

You want to go with that, Mr. Tatum?

How are you going to help us, Jack?

You don't even speak our language.

I don't think that's true.

You a suit that's fat -mouthing.

Because you ain't hip to what's told in
the joint or what's tied out in the

street, man, you dig?

I'll be darned, you are right.

If there are any communications gaps,
I'm sure I can close them up during our

sessions.

Mr. Hawkins, we haven't heard from you
yet.

My name is Richard Hawkins, and before
being incarcerated...

I was the owner of my own little
business in my own community.

What business was that?

I was the proprietor of Gloria's Swedish
Massage.

We was run out of business for false
advertising.

What was the problem?

Well, sir, there was no Gloria.

Nobody was from Sweden.

And nobody ever got a massage?

They call me on a technicality.

Mr. Tatum, what did you do on the
outside?

I was president of General Motors.

Mr. President.

Mr. Tatum, everybody has been very open
and honest about it. Why don't you?

Okay.

I took a record album.

That isn't so bad. That was on a stereo.

That was on the back seat of a Buick.

That I had filled with color TVs and
cameras.

Hey, man, I don't know why the police
didn't believe me when I told them it

fully equipped.

We all make mistakes. I think the
important thing is that we put our

behind us.

Us? What do you mean, us?

And what law did you over break, Harley?

Well, it's not important. No, no, no,
come on. Tell us, what law did you

ma 'am?

Well, when I was young, I went to a
baseball game, and it was the ninth

and some of the people started to leave,
and I snuck down to the better seats.

you. Come on in.

Howard, sit down and tell me what you
think of this letter, okay?

Dear gentlemen, just who do you think
you are? Let me tell you who you are.

are people who know nothing about making
toasters.

Enclosed, please find four pieces of
what you call light golden toast and

call charcoal briquettes.

The mistake was mine in assuming that
your product is a toaster at all. I see

now it is an iron smelt.

But you can rest assured that I'll never
use any of your toasters again unless I

need shingles for my roof.

Sincerely, Emily Hartley.

Nice letter.

Look at your toast so crispy.

I just have a knack.

What's for dinner?

Oh, Howard, I only made enough for two
people. I wasn't expecting you.

I don't know why I wasn't expecting you.

Oh, that's okay. Where's Bob?

Oh, he's with his prison group. This is
their eighth meeting. He's ready to go

over the wall or up it.

It's pretty rough, huh?

Yeah, but you know, Bob, he'll get that
group all together soon.

Looks like the screws roughed him up.

Somebody fix me a drink and fix it fast.

I'll get it, I'll get it. What do you
want, Bob?

Scotch. Oh, Howard, I'll have a Tom
Collins. Would you mix them?

If you say so.

Emily, the group is just not responding.

They still bang their cups across the
bars when they haven't had enough slop,

Bob.

Howard, this isn't like an old movie.

Mr. Tatum is still the problem. Whatever
he does, the rest of them follow suit.

Oh, isn't he getting any more
cooperative?

Well, actually, today he wasn't in any
trouble. He slept through the entire

session. How long are you going to keep
meeting?

Well, next week is our last meeting,
Howard.

We really haven't made any progress.

You know, I'm really thinking, Emily, of
extending the sessions beyond the time

they get released.

Bob, that's jive.

Where'd you hear that word?

What you've been saying in your sleep.

You know, continuing these sessions is
like asking the warden to extend your

sentence.

Well, I don't know, Emily. I'd like one
more shot at it.

Howard, what is this drink?

You wanted scotch, didn't you? That's
right.

You wanted a Tom Collins.

Yeah. You asked me to mix them.

Well, gentlemen, this is our final
session, and while we haven't

everything we hoped for, I don't think
we can call it a complete waste of time.

Hey, Beach, work it in that laundry
room. Look here. Look what that place

my hand.

Are you still juicing that old
-fashioned detergent?

You stop by later. Use some of mine.

It's hot on dirt, easy and gentle on
your hands.

Oh, yeah?

Is it, uh, lemon -scented? Uh,
gentlemen, I think we're wandering away

subject.

Now, I asked you last week to write out
your future plans when you get on the

outside. Who would like to be first?

Well, I'll get the ball rolling, Bob.

Great.

I call this what I plan to do when I get
out of jail.

By Steve Copelson.

I'm looking forward to rejoining my
lovely family in our tastefully

home in the suburbs.

My lovely wife, Justine, and my lovely
daughter, Corky.

They have stood by me through thick and
thin.

Now, Mr. Copleson, how many pages do you
have there? Well, including the

illustration, Bob, 63.

Why don't I just read that at home?

That would add six more months to my
sentence.

I heard that.

Good luck, Mr. Copleson.

Mr. Berlioz, you want to... See you
next.

Herman K.

Shapiro.

Thank you for going to the trouble to
write it out.

Mr. Ortiz, how about you?

When I get out...

I want to work for Dolly Parton in some
capacity.

Well, Mr. Hawkins, you want to go next?

When I get out of this pigsty, I'm going
to motor over to Loretta's.

There's a man with a plan.

I'm going to wine her and dine her.

and take her to my page. Oh, see, see,
see, see.

I can't wait to feel a hot breath
against my face. Oh, yeah.

I'll grab her and I'll hug her and I'll
hold you in my arms.

I don't think we have to hear it.

Go read that one at home, too, huh, Doc?

I thought maybe at the office it
might...

Break up Mr.

Cobblestone's report.

Mr.

Tatum, you want to go next?

Hey, don't worry about me, Jack.

Mr. Tatum, everybody else has shared
their plans with us. How about you?

Okay.

I'm going to privilege you gentlemen by
showing you my act. Oh, I didn't know

that you weren't your business, Tatum.

Sure, man.

Before I got busted, I was a member of
the singing group called the Zephyrs.

You was in the Zephyrs, man?

Yeah, man. You heard of us? No.

to the top.

In fact, I just wrote our first big hit.

You do the words. I'll do the rest.

I can't sing.

Well, just read them, man, and wait for
your cue.

Hey,

little mama, I'm coming home to you.

soul train.

Do

what?

Well, that certainly sounds like a
winner to me, Mr. Taylor.

Hey, Tate, why don't you put Doc Huntley
in your act, man?

Next time you gents hear that, it will
be number one.

Well, I want to wish you gentlemen a lot
of good luck. I have an announcement to

make. As you know, the group hasn't made
such great progress, and I wondered if

you'd consider possibly continuing in
the group after you get out.

I know you don't want to rush into a
decision like this.

you a little time to rethink it over.

Excuse me, Dr.

Hartley, but the time is up.

I have to take these prisoners to trial.

Well, we're done. I hope to see you
gentlemen very soon. Take care, Dr.

Okay, let's form a single line.

You pushed the button for this floor.
Aren't you going to get off?

Didn't I?

Thank you, kind stranger.

I'm not myself today.

I just came from a luncheon shower for a
girlfriend.

While she was getting showered, I was
getting pickled.

Well, good luck, lady.

Get in here. I missed the chute.

Certainly.

I'm very nervous about this meeting.

Aren't you going to wish me luck?

Where are the others?

I'm afraid I'm it, Bob.

But I'm hoping what I lack in number
I'll make up for in enthusiasm.

Didn't show up. No.

I thought we could get started with me
bringing you up to date on what's

happened to me since I got out.

It's been a busy week.

Mine is not a simple life, Bob.

I began my first day of freedom by
getting out of bed.

I put on my slippers and I chose one of
my favorite robes from the closet.

It's blue, Bob.

It's got white piping and a little
monogram over the pocket.

I can see why that's your favorite.

Ah.

How does it sound?

Dear gentlemen, where do you get off
telling me that I don't know how to

a toaster?

I have been making toasts for a lot of
years.

Face the facts, gentlemen, your machine
would ignite granite.

care that you received a letter from my
neighbor, Howard Borden, complimenting

your toast.

I demand satisfaction immediately.

The next step is the court.

Sincerely, Emily Hartley. What do you
think?

Well, I think your letter would have a
lot more sting if your stationery didn't

have daisies all over it.

Well, I crossed out the hi from Emily.

Well, it's certainly more interesting
than Mr. Coplestone's memoirs.

Then so is a Milwaukee phone book.

Well, Mr.

Tatum, what a surprise. Come in. How you
doing, Doc?

Well, can I get you anything?

Yeah.

All your money.

Well, I was thinking more coffee.

Hey, this is a hold -up. Up against the
wall, Doc.

Now, come on, move it.

You two.

Come on, come on.

Mr.

Tatum, do you know what you're doing?
Hey, you bet I do. Now, come on, lean

forward with your hands against the
wall.

Don't act stupid and you won't get hurt.

Is this your old lady?

Yes, this is my wife, Emily. Emily, this
is Mr. Tatum.

Hey, what's happening?

Oh, hi. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Your boss told me a lot about you.

Emily, this is a hold -up, not a
cocktail party.

So where's your money at, Hartley?

Oh, we don't have any money in the
house.

Damn. Well, what else you got?

My old lady's got some jewelry.

Old lady? Who are you calling an old
lady?

Emily, it's just a figure of speech.

Come on, come on. Where's the jewelry?

You can't have it. Oh, I can, huh? No,
you can't.

Okay.

What else you got?

I ain't choosy.

How about a toaster?

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Oh, my gosh.

Let me help.

Hey, hey, who is this turkey?

This is our neighbor, Howard Borden.
Howard, this is Mr. Tatum.

I'd like to shake your hand, Mr. Tatum,
but I'm busy holding up this wall.

Why isn't he helping?

He's robbing us, Howard.

He sure picked a heck of a time.

Come on, come on. Give me something to
let me sleep.

Look, this is ridiculous.

I'm not giving you anything. I don't
even think you have a real gun in your

pocket. I don't think you came here to
rob. Hey, that's Jive.

I did come here to rob you.

And then you can turn me in.

What?

Because I want to go back to the joint.

I can't handle this freedom, man.

Sit down.

I'll make some calls.

Hello. No.

If I can't get arrested here, I'll go
someplace else.

Mr. Tatum, I don't think you came here
to get arrested. You could have gotten

arrested anywhere in town.

I think you came here because you need
help.

What?

Here.

I do.

Sit down and talk.

Will you guys cut the chatter? This
thing's starting to go.

Howard, you don't have to hold up that
wall. Someone has to.

Look, I know I really hassled you
before, Doc.

I'll just...

Just forget it. Sit down.

We'll start from the beginning.

I need your help, too, Mr. Tatum.

Yeah? How's that?

Well, I'd like to get through to the
rest of the group, too, but I'll need

cooperation. They seem to follow your
lead.

Okay, Doc.

You teach me how to get a job, being a
black man with a prison record and no

education, and I'll make you a big man
with the group. Dig it?

I dig it. Solid on that.

How do you like your coffee, black?

You can call me Tato.

It's starting to go.

Howard, the wall is not falling.

No thanks to any of you.

If he can survive out here, I can

become president.