All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e23 Shrinking Violence

Morning, Jerry. Sorry I'm late. Oh,
that's okay, Carol.

How do you like it?

Very nice.

How do you like my new hat?

Looks like a dog's breakfast.

You know, Jer, I always try to be nice
to you. Always pleasant, always

I make your coffee, type your letters,
pick up your laundry.

Why do you always act like such slime?

I help myself. I'm the king of the
insults.

Hi, Mr. Collins.

Hi, Carol.

Good likeness.

The king is dead.

Long live the king.

Here they are, the three stooges.

And here's Mr. Collins spreading joy
wherever he goes.

Why is everybody so cheerful today?

Because it's a wonderful day.

The sun is beaming, the breeze is
murmuring, and the flowers are pushing

dainty heads toward the heavens.

Why don't you push your dainty head
through a wall?

Mr. Carlin, those of us who were here on
time are in the middle of a session.

You want to take a seat, please?

Go ahead, mister.

My boss told me I was turning into a
halfway decent salesman. He's probably

getting ready to can you.

Have you heard something?

Mr. Hurd, don't pay any attention to
him. I'm sure it's not true.

No, I won't.

I hope I can find a new job.

Yeah, maybe Goodyear's looking for
another blimp.

Mr. Carlin, every time you're in a
grumpy mood, you come in here and take

on us.

Especially poor Mr. Hurd.

Yeah, well, he deserves it. He does not.

Yes, I do.

Mr. Carlin, I think you're misdirecting
your anger. You should direct it at the

people you're really mad at.

Whom I really mad at?

I don't know.

Brilliant.

Mr. Carlin, why don't you open up? Dig
into your past. Tell us who that someone

is. Okay.

Well, everybody did make a lot of fun of
me in elementary school.

The kids even voted me the boy most
likely to go bald.

You know, kids can be cruel.

Spare me your pity, spinach breath.

That's all right. My breath probably
does smell like spinach.

When these kids made fun of you, did you
do something about it? No. Even then, I

was too big of a person to be angry.

But don't you see, Mr. Collin, you were
angry, and you should have let them know

it. Why don't you go knit yourself a
mask?

Dr. Hartley says, always take your anger
out on the right people. You will feel

a lot better.

You stuck me. Yes, and I feel a lot
better.

Mrs. Beckerman, you want to put your
knitting needles down, please?

All right.

But don't rile me, Buster.

Mr. Cullen, I'd like to tell you an
interesting story.

Oh, I love your story.

Sometimes they put me to sleep.

When I was in school, there was a kid in
school named Hank Jones. We used to

call him Godzilla.

And he was a bully, and he had arms like
tree trunks and a breath like spinach.

No offense, Mr. Cullen.

And in cafeteria every day, he would put
his thumbprint right in my sandwich.

That's a terrible waste of a good
sandwich.

Well, I'd eat around it.

In any event, I went home and I started
to yell at my father. And my dad said to

me, you're not mad at me, you're mad at
Godzilla.

He said, why don't you go back there and
stand up to him? What happened?

Godzilla put his thumb in my nose.

Hey, what's the point of all this?

Well, I haven't gotten to the point yet.
You rarely do.

I thought it was a wonderful story. I
was just getting quite drowsy.

Well, what I'm trying to say is that you
should get mad at the right people, not

at us.

Okay, okay.

I'll think about it.

We're your friends, Mr. Collins.

Yeah, I mean, I really like you.

Get your hands off me, slush face.

Oh, bowling.

No, you're not.

No, I'm making a sandwich, Howard. That
sure looks good. I would go over to my

apartment and make one, but I'm all out
of mayonnaise.

And I'm in bread.

Meat.

What do you have in your refrigerator,
Howard?

Frost.

Want half of my sandwich?

Oh, thanks, Bob. It saved me from eating
frost.

Your half is bigger than my half.

No, that's wrong.

There's a thumbprint in this half.

Eat around it.

Good day?

Terrific.

What's wrong?

shop and the mechanic says it'll be
there another week.

What's the matter?

Something under the hood.

You think you're lucky stars it wasn't
the engine.

I don't know what it is. All I know is
I'm going to be without a car for

week and there's nothing I can do about
it and I'm frustrated.

Yeah.

I feel the same way every time I look at
my refrigerator.

Then I look at your refrigerator and I
realize that the, well, the

are greener on the other side of the
hall.

when my refrigerator has cheese in it
and that's green on both sides.

Howard. What?

Shut up.

Yeah, well, Bob's been bowling and I'll
be back in a week or two.

What? Well, you're not mad at Howard.
You're upset about the car.

Oh, you're such a goody two -shoes.

Oh, you're right.

I'll apologize to Howard, but Marvin the
mechanic is really taking advantage of

me.

Did you tell him that?

No.

Did you ask for a loaner car? No.

Did you speak to his boss?

No.

And what did you tell him?

Bob. Yeah?

Shut up.

Look, Emily, right now you're mad at
Marvin.

And if you let that anger in your
stomach grow, it'll go from a small

a large stone.

Pebbles don't grow.

Well, then, let's make it grapes.

Grapes of wrath.

All right, now I've got grapes in my
stomach. Now, what am I supposed to do

about that?

Well, get rid of them. Call Marvin on
the phone. Tell him you need the car. If

he says no, get tough with him. Me?

Emily, you're a fighter. You're feisty.
You're full of spunk.

Don't let him take advantage of you.
Show him no mercy.

Yeah, let me at him.

You'll murder the boss.

You better believe it.

Hello, give me Marvin.

You're getting Marvin.

Marvin, this is Emily Hartley.

Uh, do you think I could have my car
tomorrow?

Oh, well, I mean, if you're busy, you're
busy.

No, no, no, it's no trouble.

Sorry to bother you.

Bye.

Boy, you really told him.

These candies are excellent, Mr. Carlin.

Yes, I must say we'd like to all thank
you for bringing them in. Oh, nothing at

all. It's my way of saying that I'm kind
of sorry for being so nasty for the

last... Seven years.

Yes, seven years.

What a cad I've been.

Like some candy?

You know, I must say, Mr. Carlin, I like
this change in you.

Yes, you're no longer a jackass.

Well, I ought to... to Dr. Hartley, he
made me realize that I really like you

people.

Even though you are blithering idiots.

I think he meant that as a compliment.

Oh. Well, then, I will lay down my
needles in friendship.

Good. You see, I've decided that instead
of spewing my anger at random, I will

direct it at selected targets.

Everyone who's ever been mean to me.

Why didn't you just bring in the Chicago
phone book?

Because some of these names are from out
of town.

They're all going to die.

We're not talking about a vendetta here
against anyone who ever looks sideways

at you. What we're talking about is
letting out today's anger today.

But of course, how nearsighted of me.

Well, why don't we delve into this
subject at our next session?

I'll be counting the hours.

Boy, Dr. Hartley, they have it easy.

I can't seem to get mad at anybody, you
know. It all stays inside me.

I mean, you know, you may not believe
it, but I hate being called names and

being made fun of and being used as a
doormat and being called a whipping boy,

you know. It really bothers me that I
just can't get my anger out and I'm so

nice to everybody.

Mr. Hurd, you're angry now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, that's all right. It's a step in
the right direction and I'm sure that

someday you'll feel you don't have to
apologize for it.

And when that day comes, I will sharpen
you a pair of knitting needles that

could stop a buffalo in its tracks.

Carol, can I possibly... Sorry.

Carol, a girl as beautiful as you
doesn't have any need of makeup.

You know you're right.

The low blows, that really takes the
cake, ridiculing my receptionist.

Robinson, I've been thinking, we've been
enemies for so long, why don't we just

bury the hatchet?

Yeah, and your skull.

Excuse me, Elliot. Is this man provoking
you?

I am experiencing a certain degree of
annoyance, Ed, but I think I can deal

it.

Robinson, you're on my list.

Now you've had it.

Butt out, blob.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Good for you, Mr. Hearns.

My name's not Blob. It's Heard. And in
the future, address me as Mr. Heard.

How about Mr.

Blob?

That does it. Lily and the knitting
needles.

I don't think you did that right, Mr.
Heard.

No, that's okay.

Consider that just a warning.

Well, it's just you've got a dull
routine, that's all.

What do you mean by that?

Well, you play golf every Saturday,
right? You come in at 4 .02, you make a

sandwich at 4 .10, and you eat it at 4
.18.

Howard, I'm not that settled in my ways.

What time is it now?

4 .18.

Is it 419 yet?

Yeah. Good.

That's a nice -looking sandwich.

Yeah, it's very attractive. It goes with
the room.

Can I have most of it?

Will you settle for half of it?

Okay, if you want to be stingy.

Where's Emily?

She went to pick up her car at the
mechanic's. Is this guy still taking

advantage of her?

I hope not.

I hate people who take advantage of
other people.

Do you have any mustard?

I hope

that meat's still good.

Hi, honey.

How'd it go?

Don't tell me, let me guess.

the repair shop and the car broke down
again.

Don't you have a towed back? No, I
carried it on my shoulders.

I mean, they had the car. They were
supposed to fix it. They didn't. Why?

Beats me.

Oh, Howard, please.

Emily, I think you ought to go back
there. You shouldn't let him do this to

Oh, Bob, please. Now, I don't feel
feisty. I don't feel spunky. And I don't

to hear any more about grapes.

I like some grapes.

You want me to handle this? Well, I
can't do anything anymore.

Well, good. I'll call it Marvin.

Probably for the best anyway. You know,
women in cars.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's just, you know, trying to say
in my clumsy way that it'd be a lot

easier for you, you know, if you were
having trouble with a dress or purse.

Let's go bake a cake.

I don't want to have to speak to you
again.

Emily, will you just calm down? You
might learn something.

Hello, Marvin?

Yeah, this is Bob Hartley. Emily
Hartley's husband?

I don't know.

Are you the lady that mumbles under her
breath all the time?

Yeah.

Yeah. Now get this and get it good,
because I'm not mumbling.

I'm not mumbling.

I want to talk to you Monday about our
car.

Car!

Anytime you say, Chief.

Six o 'clock in the morning, I'll be
there. Don't be late.

Slush face.

I'll bring you some coffee and donuts.

Marvin will be here in a few minutes.

You better get a move on. I got a lot on
my mind.

Oh, are you here to complain about your
car?

You're darn right.

Then you don't get any donuts.

Just as well, Bob. Donuts would only
make you complacent.

I'll have a donut.

Are you with him?

Yeah, but I'm not a complainer.

There's something these places are all
alike.

Auto parts, tires, donuts.

You know, I told him I'd be here on time
and he's late.

Yeah, I hate to be in his shoes.

Ah, good morning, fellas. I'm Mark.

Well, I'm hardly a Mrs. Borg.

Ah, you know, it started out like it was
going to be real overcast this morning,

but looks like old Saul's going to peak
to those clouds.

Look, can we knock off the small talk,
get down to brass tacks? What's

with my wife's car?

Who's old Saul?

Hey, let's take a look at this repair
sheet, and we'll straighten this thing

right out. Hey, have a seat, fellas.

Stand up, Bob.

Stay mean, stay hungry.

Boy, well, according to this repair
sheet, hey, it looks like we really have

some big problems.

Maybe you ought to go to mechanic
school.

Well, gee, Bob, you know, we do. Believe
me. You see, we send our men to a

refresher course every six months.

Hey, some of our guys have their gold
wrench.

Big deal.

Now you're rolling.

Look, when is my car going to be ready?

Well, you see, unfortunately, we're
waiting for a pressure plate for your

clepsy, and all the factories are on
strike.

Well, unfortunately, we're waiting for
you to get off your keister.

Take no prisoners, Bob.

I tell you, it looks like it's going to
take two weeks, at least.

When? Two weeks.

When? Two weeks.

When?

I think you'd better go on to something
else.

I want my car. I want it now.

Or fairly soon.

Whenever you get around.

I tell you, Bob, it's going to be two
weeks.

Hey, you know, your tango, his middle
name is Trouble.

No. No, it isn't. My middle name is
Anthem.

Bob, why don't you let me take care of
this? And let me worry about it, you

know? And I'll see you in a couple of
weeks, all right?

I'm talking about two weeks. You've got
my word on it. Unless, see, after we get

the clutch in, it turns out that the
throw -out bearing shot two, in which

we'd have to yank the engine again, and
it could take as long as four weeks.

That's it, Buster. Let's go out in the
alley.

We don't have an alley.

You don't know how lucky you are.

Bob, you can...

Step out there.

Okay, that's a good idea. Your choir's
out in the back and I can show you

wrong with your clutch. Come on.

I can show you what's wrong with your
face.

Here's your donut. Your coffee will be
ready in a minute. When?

In a minute. When?

In a minute. How would you like to step
outside, plus base?

Morning, Carol.

You're looking simply fantastic today.

I must be on the wrong floor.

No, no, no, Carol. I decided that if
Elliot Carlin can be pleasant, so can I.

Oh, Carlin, you are looking quite dapper
today.

Oh, thank you, Robinson.

So are you. You know, I've been
thinking, Elliot, we should see each

socially. Oh, you mean go out to a
movie, maybe have dinner?

Splendid idea.

I'm in the wrong building.

Well, I am late for group. Hope to see
you soon.

Don't be a stranger. Ta -ta.

Cheerio.

He's still a clown.

I'm really so sorry I'm late, but it was
such a wonderful day that I decided to

stop and smell the roses.

That's all right, Mr. Carlin. Lillian,
you're as lovely as ever.

Oh, yes.

And how's my wonderful round little
cherub?

And there's my main man.

Kindly, Dr. Bob.

Nice shades.

You look like a movie star.

Well, I have a slight headache, and my
eyes are a little sensitive.

You're a sensitive person, Dr. Hartley.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Mr.
Collin, do you want to take a seat?

You know I do.

All right, Mr. Hurd, you were telling us
what happened yesterday.

Oh, right.

Oh, you would have been proud of me, Dr.
Hartley. I was eating in a restaurant,

and would you believe it?

The waiter didn't give me any salt.

That incompetent old... I was white with
rage.

How did you deal with it? I set fire to
my menu.

Right on.

Nice touch, Ed.

I'm not sure you may not have gone too
far.

You should have turned him into a shish
kebab.

Yeah. Now, hold it. The answer is not
screwing people or setting fire to

restaurants or making death lists.

There's an obvious difference between
being angry and making an idiot out of

yourself. Are you calling us idiots?

No, I'm calling me an idiot.

Oh, gracious.

One of your eyes is black.

Were you in a fight?

I don't think one punch constitutes a
fight.

I had a run -in with an auto mechanic.

I ran into his fist.

The important thing is you let your
anger out.

The important thing is I'm still alive.

I mean, you know, to get you that mad,
he must have been a terrible person.

No, actually, he was very nice.

then you must have been the terrible
person.

One could say that. We could all say
that.

Well, Dr. Hartley, did you learn
anything from this? Well, I learned that

sometimes the words slush face can rub
an auto mechanic the wrong way.

I've also learned that although it's all
right to show your anger, you should

temper your anger with common sense. I
mean, what is a person like myself doing

in a fight?

Getting his brains be out.

Why don't we move back to square one and
let's take another look at how we

should deal with anger.

I agree.

I agree, too. How about you, Elliot?

Shut your face, toad brain.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Marvin.

Hey, hi, Bob.

Hey, how are you? How's the eye?

Ah, fine.

Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry. I feel bad about
that.

Didn't sleep for three nights.

Hey, listen, I provoked you. You had no
choice, you know. I'm just glad I didn't

retaliate.

Well, I hope you let bygones be bygones
and we can be friends.

We value your business.

Well, listen, that basket with fruit was
real nice.

It wasn't necessary.

Oh, I felt it was. It was just kind of,
you know, my way of saying I'm sorry,

you know.

Joe, can I pick up the car?

Oh, you sure can. It's ready to go.
Everything is ship -shaping. She runs

a... Top of roof.

What's the damage?

It looks like $415.

How much?

$415.

How much?

$415.

You don't really expect me to pay that,
do you?

Either that or I'm going to have to send
you another basket of fruit.

You take checks?