All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e22 The Mentor

Carol, don't the periods usually come at
the end of the sentences?

And didn't you used to have red hair?

Carol's in the coffee shop.

I'm Larry, Carol's husband, remember?

I know that. I was making a joke, Larry.

Oh,

I get it. The old mistaken identity
joke.

Yeah, that's always funny.

Why the long face?

Anything I can help you with?

I'm in a rut, Jer.

I'm stuck in a nowhere job, going no
place fast, and there's no way out.

How are your teeth?

Fine.

Oh, hi, Larry. How's it going?

Lousy. His teeth are good.

Well, why don't we talk about it? We'll
go to my office and I'll get some

coffee. No, I hate coffee.

Coffee reminds me of Brazil.

Brazil reminds me of the travel agency.

The travel agency reminds me of my boss,
and I hate my boss.

Demanding. He's unappreciative, he's
dumb, and he's rude.

How's the money?

And he's cheap.

How about tea?

No, I hate tea.

Tea reminds me of coffee.

Coffee reminds me of Brazil.

Brazil reminds me of the travel agency,
and the travel agency reminds me of my

boss, and I hate my boss.

Scratch the tea.

Hi, gang.

Hello. Hi.

Here, sweetheart. I brought you a donut.

I can't eat a donut without coffee.

I hate coffee. Coffee reminds me of
Brazil. Brazil reminds me... Oh, I'll

the donut.

I've been this way for months. What am I
going to do? Wear earplugs.

Larry, why don't we go in my office and
talk and we get out of the line of the

sniper fire? You know, I do have an idea
here.

I realize it may sound simplistic.

We'll consider the source.

Larry, my friend, why don't you just get
a job with another travel agency?

Another agency would just mean another
boss.

I don't know, Larry. Maybe you ought to
try it on your own, you know.

Fly the coop, get out of the nest, try
your own wings.

I think it's a terrific idea.

I think it'll lay an egg.

Come on, Jerry, think about it.

The Lawrence Bondurant Travel Agency
Incorporated? Yeah, or, uh, Trips with

Larry.

What's he gonna do, work out of the back
of his car? He doesn't have an office.

I don't have a car.

There's a vacant office on this very
floor.

That's right.

I don't think I'm ready to set up my own
office.

I mean, I need phones, I need filing
cabinets, I need a secretary.

You could have one of the best.

He's not taking our file cabinets.

I was talking about me, Jerry.

I could do Larry's paperwork and do his
bookings.

And Emily and I could be your first
customers. We've been talking about

Montreal. And I'd certainly like to help
out. You can give me a free trip to

Florida. One way.

I'm going to rip him off.

I'm doing his devil work free.

There's nothing wrong with my teeth.
Doesn't mean I shouldn't travel.

No, I think it's a terrific idea. I
mean, opening your travel agency is the

right thing to do.

You know, I am really excited about
this. And I couldn't agree more. It's a

of an idea.

And maybe by the time I get back from
Florida, you'll have a little cavity.

Come on, honey, what do you think? Your
own agency?

I don't know.

I'm going to have to think about it.

Oh, better call my boss. Tell him I'll
be a little late.

I hate my boss.

He's demanding.

He's unappreciative. He's dumb. And he's
rude.

Hello, sir. This is Larry Bondurant. I
quit.

Nothing personal.

Now, take that coffee.

I'm proud of you, Larry.

Me too, honey.

Attaboy, Larry. I'm going to pack to
Florida.

Carol, make an appointment for this man.
I think he needs a full set of braces.

I have this great idea for the opening
of Larry's travel agency.

Emily, why don't we talk about it over
dinner? Where is Howard with the food?

Oh, honey, will you please be patient? I
mean, Howard is making us a special

Chinese dinner.

Look, Emily, I'm trying to be patient.
It's a long family tradition in the

Hartley family that we always have
dinner the same day we have lunch.

You see, what I want to do is I want to
decorate the reception hall so that it

really makes the seventh floor look like
a travel agency.

I am so hungry, I could eat the seventh
floor.

Honey, don't you feel good that you
really helped a younger man?

He's not that young.

Oh, well, I didn't mean that he was
younger. I mean, it's just that you're

older.

I mean, it's not that you're older. It's
just that you're more mature, and you

did something really nice for somebody
who's less mature.

Well, I've always enjoyed working with
kids.

Boo!

I wonder if Larry would let me work for
him a couple of hours on the weekend.

Oh, I'm sure he could always use the
help of an older woman.

You guys ready in there?

We're ready, Howard. We're ready.

As they say in China, what does that
mean? It means we're not

responsible for lost articles.

Authentic Chinese dinner, Howard. How
nice.

Howard, you didn't make this food, did
you?

You don't have to pay for it if you
don't want to.

Can we tip?

You want to?

Well, first let's taste the food.

Wait, wait, I'll get the dessert.

Well, we'll start without you, Howard.
Oh, right, that's right, it'll get cold.

Oh, no, don't worry about it, I'll put
it in the oven.

You don't mean that.

Of course I do.

Howard, how long will the dessert take?

Well, not too long. I just have to go
and buy it at the store.

Get back here, Howard.

Okay, but I just can't imagine egg foo
young without chocolate cake.

Try not to think about it. Pass the
shrimp.

Oh, it smells delicious.

Emily, get the phone. Well, you're the
closest. Yeah, but I'm the hungriest.

What do we start with?

Oh, hi, Larry. Pass the shrimp, Howard.
Wait, let's wait for Emily. I'll warm it

up. Howard.

Pass the shrimp.

It's for you. Yeah, I'll call him back.
No, it's Larry, Bob, and he sounds

desperate.

Thomas Paine was wrong.

These are the times that try men's
souls.

Hello?

Hi, Larry, what can I do for you in a
hurry?

Don't tell me you're having second
thoughts.

You're having third thoughts?

Look, if you really want this badly,
you're going to have to extend yourself,

Larry.

We're all behind you, Larry.

Every single one of us.

Don't worry, Larry. If anybody's going
to starve, it's not going to be you.

Good talking to you, too.

Well,

it sure took you long enough.

Now it's cold, I have to warm it up.

Would you get me the police, please?

I'm about to commit a serious crime.

You know what I think, Carol?

I think we did a terrific job.

Yeah, you took the words right out of my
mouth.

Oh, I hope Larry likes it. Oh, I hope
Bob likes it.

Carol, what the heck is going on out
here? I certainly hope Jerry likes it.

Well, I certainly do not like it.

For one thing, there's too much noise.

I can't even hear my patients screaming.

Come on, Jerry. This is for Larry's big
opening.

He's promoting the Polynesian Islands.

Any minute now, I expect some crazed
native to come leaping out of this

and spear me to death.

That could be arranged.

Ah.

Dr. Hartley, I presume.

Good afternoon, Sheena.

Well,

Bob, do you like it?

I think it's a little subtle.

Where's the wild boar?

Oh, Jerry's over there.

Well, it's certainly different than any
seventh floor of a medical building I've

ever seen.

Well, I gotta go, honey. I gotta get to
rent a beast before two o 'clock.

I'm not even gonna ask about that.

Oh, I am.

Rent a beast?

I have to pick up a plastic roast pig.

You better hurry. I understand they're
going like hotcakes.

Carol, could I have Mrs. Bakeman's file,
please?

Sure, Bob.

It's in there.

Fine. Would you get it for me?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it is my
job.

Our secretary looks like a hut.

Very amusing.

This was Emily's idea.

And a very good one. Just stay away from
goats.

Why don't I just stand here, and when
you're finished ridiculing me, I'll get

you Mrs. Bagerman's file.

My turn or yours?

Carol, would you get me Mrs. Bagerman's
file, please? Sure.

Carol, where's the machete? I have to go
to the bathroom.

Mrs. Bakerman, under Bulgaria.

Bulgaria? Yeah, well, see, I ran out of
filing space, so I had to join your

files with Larry's. Oh.

Could I have Mr. Peterson's file,
please?

Uh -huh.

Ah, Portugal.

And where is Mr. Hurd? Mexico.

Why? I don't know. He said he had to get
away and think for a while.

Wow.

This is really something.

Oh, Larry, I'm glad you like it. Oh, I
do.

Look at you, boy.

Doesn't she look great, Bob?

Yeah, she sure does. I'm going to have
her tell Emily where she grows her

dresses.

I want to thank you for all your
support, Bob.

I want to thank everybody.

I mean, you got me to make the move, and
Carol here is doing all my work.

Emily has these promotional ideas. I'm
not doing a single thing.

How's business?

It's terrible.

But all of you behind me, I'm sure it'll
work out.

Won't it?

Sure it will, honey. You've got to trust
us.

Oh, Bob, I haven't been this excited
since Larry and I... Well, let's just

haven't been this excited in quite some
time.

Let's just not say anything.

Well, maybe I should water the plants.

Well, you should be in your office.
You're an executive.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Except that it gets kind of lonely in
there. You know, getting a new business

off the ground can be kind of rough. I
remember my first year...

In business, I only had one patient.

But fortunately, Mr. Carlin came in
every day.

Yeah. Who am I worried about?

Carol, would you please get Mr. Carlin's
file phone? Sure.

And, Carol, would you call an
exterminator? I think there's some

my office.

Bob, I think you're catching a cold.

I have malaria.

Well, don't worry. The Polynesian
village will be gone next week.

Good. Yeah, we're having a Yukon
jamboree.

You know, I wonder why they were
measuring the reception area for Astro

Bob, what would you think if we had an
igloo over Carol's desk?

Why stop there? Why not get a whole
Eskimo family?

Don't you feel good about the way we
helped change Larry's life?

I don't know how much we've changed
Larry's life. I know it's changed my

mean, he has nothing to do. He just sits
in my office all day and talks about

vacation. Speaking of vacations, I was
wondering, what would it cost if we took

our vacation in Hawaii instead of
Montreal?

$415 double occupancy at the Kalua
Palona, including tip, one drink with an

orchid in it, a free Hawaiian shirt.

Free surfboard ride and one Don Ho
album.

Oh, yeah?

Which one?

Tiny Bubbles?

No, I think it's Best of Don Ho.

Oh, good.

That probably has Tiny Bubbles on it.

I think you have Tiny Bubbles in your
head.

Bob, what are you so miffed about?

I mean, you were the one who encouraged
Larry to go out on his own.

I know, but I never realized that the
reception area would look like... Mutual

of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Well, whatever it is you make, it helps
Larry and it doesn't hurt you.

I'm sure that Freud didn't have a roast
pig in his reception area.

That love had dogs.

Aloha, Emily.

Bob, Bob, honey, I want to tell you a
story.

No, no, please.

No, Bob, this is a story about when I
did something nice for somebody and it

backfired, but it all turned out well in
the end. No, wait. Is this a story

about when you were in high school and
you were dating the football player and

you had this ugly girlfriend and she
couldn't get any dates and you talked to

the football player and you're taking
her out on a date and they fell in love

and they got married?

Yes, that's the story. I've heard it.

You left out the part where it turns out
well in the end.

You lost the football player, but you
found me.

There were a few players in between.

And a lot of second stringers.

Bye. Yo.

When you get off the elevator tomorrow,
I hope you fall in your astro -tundra.

Just a minute.

Hi, Emily. You busy?

Carol, it's three o 'clock in the
morning.

Oh.

Gee, I only have ten of.

Oh, well then, my mistake. Come on in.

Is Bob home? No, he's playing golf.

I'm sorry, Emily. Truly I am, but I just
have to talk to you and Bob about

Larry. All right, Carol, sit down. I'll
get him. Thank you, thank you. Bob!

There's someone here to see you.

It's three o 'clock in the morning.

No, honey, it's only ten o 'clock.

Oh, I'll be right out then.

I'll go make some coffee.

Oh, I brought some.

You brought a lot.

Well, I have a lot to talk about.

Carol, do you know what time it is? I
know what time it is, Bob, and I'm

sorry to disturb you, but I'm very
depressed and I have to talk to you,

I wish you'd just listen and stop asking
me if I know what time it is.

Bob.

I'm sorry.

What time is it?

Have some coffee, Bob.

All right, Carol, now what's wrong?

I don't know.

Bob, no.

Bob, I know what's wrong. I know what's
wrong, Bob. I just don't know what to do

about it.

Why don't we start by...

You're telling me what's wrong. Do you
know where Larry is right now?

If he has any sense, he's sound asleep.

He is asleep. At his office, in the
hopes that a customer will come in.

Nothing's happening. Bobby's getting
real depressed again. What are we going

do?

Well, Carol, you knew it was going to be
rough.

I mean, getting your business off the
ground is, uh... What are we?

Now, see, that's the trouble.

Larry's business is off the ground.
Seven floors in a medical building.

I mean, how is he supposed to make a
living?

Oh, I'm sorry, Carol, but, you know,
it's three o 'clock in the morning. I

what time it is.

I know what time it is.

Howard, what are you doing awake?

Oh, well, uh, my watch stopped ticking
and it woke me up.

I've got to sleep until I know what time
it is.

It's three o 'clock.

Oh, thank you.

Is that coffee?

Yeah, you want some?

Well, I'd prefer tea.

The kitchen is closed, Howard.

Oh, well, then I'll just take the coffee
and... Maybe a brownie?

All right, coffee's fine.

Hi, Fred.

We've got to do something.

Why don't we make some brownies?

Maybe you should tell Larry to get a
better office.

Well, he can't. It's too expensive.

Well, we could loan him some money. Oh,
honey, no. He'd never take that.

Gee, I wish he'd go back to his old job.

I'd rather kill him.

Well, I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid I don't know what to do.

I know what to do.

Oh, you don't know what to do.

You never know what to do.

Usually I don't know what to do, but
this time I know what to do.

What have we got to lose?

Nothing. All right, Aaron, tell us what
to do. All right, first of all, tell him

to stop his sniveling, get off your
backs, and stand on his own two feet.

Emily, stop doing his thinking for him,
and Carol, stop making those phone calls

for him.

And you, you over there, next time he
comes whining and bellyaching and

for your advice, tell him to shove off.

Howard, that is probably the most
insensitive, callous suggestion I have

heard come out of the mouth of one human
being.

I can't believe that you are telling us
to pull the carpet out from under a

dear, sweet, vulnerable man like Larry
Bondurant.

You lout.

Howard, you know what Larry would tell
me if I said that to him?

He'd probably say, go peddle your
papers.

Howard, I'm going to pretend I never
even heard what you said.

Howard, I am just so ashamed of you.

Carol, you know the way out.

I sure do.

Thanks, Howard.

It's nice to know who your friends are.

Emily.

What?

I'll take that tea now.

That's okay. I'll get it myself.

Bob, it's freezing out there.

It's supposed to be. It's Yukon
Jamboree.

There's no reason that I'm supposed to
suffer. I am sick of this, Bob. Larry

got to go.

You want him out? Get rid of him.

Me? You brought him here. You tell him.

It's always me, isn't it, Jerry?

Yeah, because you're the oldest.

No, it's not up to me.

It's up to me to support him, to stand
by him. I mean, the man is on the verge

of collapse. He needs our support.

All right, forget about it. By this time
tomorrow, we'll be dead anyway.

Frozen stiff in that reception area out
there.

Hi, guys.

Anybody seen Carol?

Yeah, I sent her down for a cup of
blubber.

Hi.

How's it going?

Fine.

Good.

Larry, I hope you don't mind. I have
some work I have to do here.

Want me to help?

No.

Isn't there something you could do in
your own office?

No, there's nothing there.

Airfares are up. Travel is down.

At the end of my rope, Bob.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

You know, we were...

We were sitting around and talking about
that the other night.

Emily came up with a suggestion. Maybe
you ought to find a better location.

Well, possible.

I could never afford it.

That's what we thought you'd say. So I
came up with a suggestion that I loan

some money.

I could never accept it.

Then that led to Carol's suggestion that
maybe, you know, try to get your old

job back.

I'd rather be dead.

And then that leads us with Howard's
suggestion.

What's that?

Yeah, never mind. It was ridiculous.

Oh, whatever you say.

Boy, I wish Carol would get back.

I could make some phone calls for me.

Make them yourself!

What?

Well, make your own phone calls!

I mean, quit leaning on everybody!

Stand on your own two feet!

Stop whining and bellyaching 24 hours a
day!

If you want to make it, make it
yourself.

You know, it's just a suggestion.

I like it.

You do?

Yeah. Makes sense.

It does?

Yeah. Why, nothing else seems to be
working.

I should have gone with my instincts
from the beginning.

If I listen to everybody else around
here, I'm going to end up in the

I don't understand.

Well, you're the one who told me to take
the stupid office in the first place.

Carol insisted on doing all of my
paperwork.

Emily has these crazy promotion ideas. I
mean, who wants to go to the Yukon in

the middle of the winter?

Well, you know, maybe if you give them a
couple of Don Ho albums.

Oh, Bob.

I'm the guy who understands the travel
business, and from now on, I'm going to

run it my way.

Larry, you know, if I can be of any
help. Bob, just go peddle your papers.

Thought you might say that.