All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e21 Desperate Sessions

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Oh, I love doing business here. They
make you feel like you're part of the

family. Yeah, the poor part.

If you want to make out the deposit
slip, I'll save a place in line. Oh,

Is your name Bob?

Yeah, how'd you know that? That lady's
calling you.

I'm going to withdraw more than I
planned.

How much?

Another fifty.

For what?

A dress.

Don't you already have a dress?

Boy, women and money.

They think it grows on trees. Yeah, like
it was going out of style.

Like they couldn't do without it. Yeah,
like the streets were paved with it. Is

there any way of getting out of this?

Hey, Bob.

Buy her anything she wants.

She's no bag of bones.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks. Do you work in the building?

No, no. I just met Bob here in line. I'm
Mel.

Meet Mel. Hi, Mel.

Hi.

What do you do, Bob?

Psychologist. You're kidding.

I would have said you were a dentist.

Why? I don't know. You got clean hands.
Good breath.

Excuse me. Excuse me here. Excuse me.
Hey, thanks for saving my place in line,

Bob. I'd hate to be in too late for my
next heart transplant operation.

You're welcome, Dr. Vicki.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Hi, Jer. Could you let me in line?

Come on, Carol. That wouldn't be fair to
all these people who've been waiting.

Well, then, could you make a deposit for
me? It's a matter of life and death,

folks.

Go to the end of the line.

You know, Jerry, even as we speak, no
one is answering your phones, and your

patients cannot make appointments.

If he loses his patients, you know,
nobody pays him. If nobody pays him, he

doesn't eat.

If he doesn't eat, he dies.

Life and death, folks.

I have a gun in my pocket. Put all your
money in a bag.

Yours truly, Mel.

Approximately $7 ,000 in small bills.

Police are questioning all possible
witnesses looking for leads.

Nobody questioned us.

They didn't mention your name.

Weren't you scared?

Are you kidding?

When that alarm went off, my whole life
flashed before my eyes.

Wow, I heard about that. Does it really
happen?

No, it's just an expression.

And you lied to me.

Well, I guess I did, Howard. I'm sorry.

How about you, Bob? Did you see your
life?

No.

Thanks for not lying to me.

Miss Hartley?

Yes? Detective Sergeant Weber.

Robbery Division.

I'd like to ask you a few questions
about the robbery this afternoon, ma

Oh, well, of course. Come in. This is my
husband, Dr. Hartley, and this is our

next -door neighbor, Howard Borden.
Hello.

Sergeant, what can we do for you, Dr.
Hartley?

I'm just looking for a few facts, sir.

Well, would you be glad to cooperate?

We'd appreciate that.

I'll do anything I can.

Well, I didn't realize you were in the
bank this afternoon, Mr. Borden.

I wasn't. I was in Miami.

Right, well, I think I'd better be
going.

You know, you remind me of someone.

Ah, Sergeant Joe Friday.

No, my Uncle Mort.

Have you ever been in the roofing
business?

No, sir.

Oh, and I guess it wasn't you then.

He's dead.

About the robbery, Dr. Hartley. Ma 'am.

Oh, well, you see, we were in line.

I was withdrawing money because I was
going to go shopping.

Shopping, ma 'am. I have my eye on this
beautiful green dress, you know, and a

little A -line thing with a matching
jacket. Miss Hartley. Sergeant.

We're just looking for the facts, ma
'am.

Of course, the facts.

Could you describe the bank robber?

The bank robber?

Yes, sir.

Well, I would say he was average.

Average.

I guess, you know, a lot of men would
fit that description.

But this one was different, sir. Why is
that, Sergeant? He robbed a bank.

One more thing, Sergeant. Yes, ma 'am.
His name was Mel.

Mel. M -E -L.

Probably short for Melvin.

Probably.

Anything else, ma 'am?

Funny thing about Mel, Sergeant.

Yes, ma 'am?

He looked like a man who could just walk
into a bank and get a loan.

Maybe he didn't want to pay the
interest, ma 'am.

It wasn't meant to be funny, sir.

Sorry. Well, I'll leave you alone.

Oh, if anything else comes up, call me
downtown.

I work the day watch out of robbery. My
name is Weber.

Certainly will, Sergeant. I guess you,
you know, you run into a lot of this

of thing.

Yes, sir. I see it from the time I put
it on in the morning till the time I

it off at night.

Sergeant. Sir.

Take what off at night?

My badge.

Oh. It's my job.

I'm a cop.

What a nice man.

He must have seen every dragnet ever
made.

That's a classic case of hero
identification. Yeah, I bet you see a

kind of thing.

I do, Emily.

See it from the time I put it on in the
morning till I take it off at night.

You know why?

Why?

It's my job.

On the drink.

They didn't even mention my name.

They never mention the names of the
people who faint.

I didn't faint.

I was resting.

Morning. Hey, hi, Bob.

You seen the paper? You have pictures in
it?

Oh, good. They got a picture of you
while you were still standing up.

Oh, I thought I'd lay a couple copies
around my apartment.

Chicks really go crazy for guys who live
around danger.

I bet they go bananas over guys who pass
out from danger.

At least I do not get hysterical if I
break a fingernail.

Wow, you really put me in my place.

Bob, what would you have done if that
guy turned on you with a gun?

Carol, I had hand -to -hand combat
training in the Army.

Well, that was a few years back, Bob.

These are still the hands of a killer.

Oh!

Mercy!

Come on. Pretend you're a vampire.

Well, okay.

But don't kill me.

I point your gun at me. What gun? It's
an imaginary gun.

Kiai!

Stop it, Carol.

I mean it, Carol.

Shoe laces are untied.

Bang.

You missed.

Oh, sorry.

Bang. Nice try, girl.

Let me get that for you, Bob.

Hi. Hi, Mel. What are you doing here?

I'm hiding out.

Been here since last night.

If you hand me back my raincoat, I'll
let you hide out in peace. I don't think

so, Bob.

So what can I do for you, Mel?

Well, I've been thinking it over, and if
I'm going to get out of here, I need a

hostage.

Who do you have in mind, Mel?

Well, since I knew you worked in the
building, and we already had a

relationship. Yeah, well, um...

See, I would make a very good hostage.
I'm not tall enough to, you know, make a

good shield.

It's not the height I need. It's the
width.

When are we going to take my life in
your hands?

I don't know.

Let's talk about it.

Fine. Would you mind taking your hand
out of your pocket, man? Oh, yeah. All

right.

Don't make any sudden moves.

Hey, what's that?

Just my receptionist buzzing.

Oh.

Well, uh...

Act natural.

Hello, Carol.

Uh, hi, Bob. Mr. Carlin's here.

Who's Carlin?

Bob, did you just ask me who's Carlin?

No, no, I said, how's Carlin?

Uh, he's fine.

Good, good. Then he won't have to come
in this morning.

Who is he?

Oh, Mr. Carlin, he's just a patient.

Oh, well, then keep him out of here,
huh?

What's going on here?

This is my time and I want it.

Who's this goon?

Uh, Mr. Carlin, this is Mel. Mel, this
is Mr. Carlin. Oh, my pleasure.

Get out of here.

Yeah, he can't exactly leave, Mr.
Carlin. He has a bigger problem than you

You want to bet?

Yesterday I lost one of my socks at the
laundromat.

I wasn't only losing the sock.

To add insult to injury, I think I've
been marked for assassination by the

Mr. Carlin, I don't really think that
this is a particularly good time for a

session. Why not?

I don't know if you've noticed, but
we're not exactly alone.

Oh, yeah. Hey, Mac, take a hike.

Mel, you don't want to take a hike, do
you?

I don't...

I don't think Mel wants to take a hike.

Sit down, be quiet, and don't ask any
questions.

You know, what Mr. Conner's trying to
say, you know, just make yourself

comfortable and feel free to
participate.

Anyway, being marked by the CIA for
assassination is really hell.

You know what it's like every time you
look around to see a man standing there

with a gun?

Yeah, I do.

Are you a foreign agent?

No, I'm a real estate agent.

Well, at least you got a good job, even
if you are crazy.

Crazy?

You gonna let him call me that?

Yeah, probably.

Hey, consider yourself lucky. At least
you have a good job.

I could never get a good job. I mean,
ever since I was a kid, I... Whose hour

this? Shut up, Mr. Carlin.

Go ahead, Mel.

Nah, it's his hour.

That's all right. He doesn't mind.

Well, every job I ever had was a bummer.
I was always a doormat, the fall guy,

loser. But now I know how to be cool. I
learned it all in a night school course

I took.

Introduction to heist?

No, no, no. The course was called You
Are Responsible for Your Own Social

Interaction and Cultural Exchange as an
Adult. I took that course. It's for

jerks. No.

No, no, it isn't.

No, it taught me to meet girls and
pointed out the importance of your

suits, your turtlenecks, your styling
combs, and your mood rings.

Hey, you want to see a picture of the
girl I did it for, huh?

It's Teresa.

Very nice.

Nice? She's got hair all over her face.

What do you mean by that? He means that,
you know, sometimes little clumps of

hair scattered around the face can be...

Can be very attractive.

A dog is a dog.

You know what I have in here?

A lock from Teresa's beard.

I think it's a gun, Mr. Carlin.

I'm getting out of here.

Hope you and Rin Tin Tin have a nice
life together.

Don't shoot.

Well, that's lunchtime.

Oh, where are you going?

For lunch. I just thought I'd get a
little lunch.

I don't think so, Bob.

Yeah, I had kind of a heavy breakfast.

I mean, that doesn't mean you can't go.

No.

Now, what would you do if I struck the
classic martial arts pose

and yelled out, Kiai!

I'd shoot you.

Yeah, well, if you ever see me start to
do that, you be sure and stop me, okay?

Has the floor been cleared?

Yep. They're all in the dentist's
office.

Good, thank you. No sweat.

That's my job.

I'm a cop.

I'm sorry. This floor is closed.

Well, I was his best friend and this was
his wife.

Sergeant Weber, is Bob okay?

As far as we know, Miss Hartley, we're
just about ready to contact him.

Send for the bullhorn.

Why don't you just buzz him?

All right.

We'll try it your way.

Take Mr. Borden down to Dr.

Robertson's office. All right.

Boy, you come up with one suggestion and
they send you to the dentist.

All right, ma 'am. Let's see if we can
get through to Dr. Hartley. Oh, good.

Thank you.

Dr. Hartley?

This is Detective Sergeant Weber. Are
you all right?

Yes, we're fine.

Dr. Hartley.

Sergeant? Let me talk to the
perpetrator.

The perpetrator says he's busy, but he
said to say that you remind him of

something.

Be sure to thank him and give him this
message.

Tell him by not coming out, he's only
hurting himself.

Well, Mel says that's not exactly true.
It could hurt me, too.

Bob? Emily, is that you? Honey, are you
okay?

I'm fine.

Oh, Bob, I love you very much.

Me, too.

Now, look, no matter how... Dad, it gets
in there. I just want you to know that

I'm out here pulling for you, and I just
wish there were something I could do.

There is one thing. Anything.

Could you slip a pizza under the door?

Well, where were we?

We were playing gin.

How can we play gin when I want all the
money?

I'll fix that.

Easy come, easy go.

What are you doing?

I'm dealing.

You're cheating.

No, I'm not.

Well, usually when you play gin, the
dealer doesn't get to look at the cards.

Yeah, but it helps my game.

I can see how it gave you a slight edge.

Guy Lanier says it's not how you play
the game, but whether you win.

That's okay for Guy Lanier.

Who's Guy Lanier?

My instructor in my social
responsibility class.

He's what made me what I am today.

I got a girl.

Teresa. I got a career.

Bank robbery.

I got a future.

Seven to ten in Joliet.

Gin.

That isn't gin.

You either got to have them in sequence
or you got to have threes and fours of a

kind.

I got a gun.

That sure looks like gin to me.

How long has he been in there?

About six hours.

I just wish I could be with him. I feel
so helpless in here.

Hey, Sharon, sure I'd like to be there
with you.

But if there's an assault on Bob's
office, they're probably going to ask me

lead it. Oh, I just hate this waiting.

Emily, it's going to be all right.

How do you know that? There is a man in
there with a gun.

Well, I was just looking on the bright
side.

Sharon, you know I miss you.

Sure I like white wine.

Soft music.

Johnny Mathis. How could I forget?

No, I can't do it right now.

Okay.

Chances are, cause I learn a silly grin
the moment you walk

into view.

Rub time.

Hey, I've got some good news about the
fried chicken. What? The colonel has

breasts.

Well, hand me the chicken.

Hey, Sharon, you're the greatest.

Sure, I remember those slacks. They
looked like they were painted on you.

What do you want, Robinson? A couple of
thighs.

Bob gets a terrible headache if he waits
this long to eat.

Me too. Pass the slaw.

Okay, where's the beer?

Here. Thanks.

Anybody for bean salad?

Yeah, hand it here.

Hey, Colin, did you say this guy robbed
the bank because of some chick?

Yeah, isn't that something?

Boy, she must be beautiful.

No, she'll look like a can of worms.

Right, more cute than beautiful.

Now, we got a church key. I want a beer.

Okay, chips coming. Chips all around.
Here we go. What do you want?

Get a one on top.

You want Jeremy?

Would you just wait a minute?

Now, I mean, do any of you remember why
we're here?

This is not a party. I mean, all you're
worried about is girlfriends and beer

and chicken. I mean, Bob is in there
fighting for his life with a crazed

Oh, I'm sorry, but he's going to be all
right.

Yeah, he'll be okay.

Yeah, we're really sorry.

Mrs. Hartley, you know, we really do
care.

Yeah, I mean, we really do. We love Bob.
I mean, but he'd want us to eat.

It's just that if I don't eat, I get a
headache.

Bob, I don't mean to be personal, but I
think I know you well enough to say

this. You could afford to lose a few
pounds.

That's it.

That's enough.

I knew you'd take it the wrong way.

Well, isn't that... I'm just not gonna
live the rest of my life in this office.

We gotta do something.

All right.

I have a suggestion.

All right.

Give the money back, turn yourself in,
and take your medicine.

Well, what if I just said I'm sorry? You
think that'd be enough?

No, I think they want the money back.

Well, what if I said a real sincere I'm
sorry?

No.

Okay, I'll give the money back.

You're gonna have to give yourself up,
too.

Boy, they want it all, don't they?

You picked a rough profession.

Yeah.

Let's go.

Maybe I should call Teresa first. I want
her to know that I did it for her.

Okay. But she might not talk to me
knowing that I did this.

All right, give me your number. I'll
call her.

Draw this face, win valuable prizes?

No, it's on the back.

She owns a coffee shop.

Oh, yeah, Teresa's Coffee Shop.

Yeah, best little coffee shop in town.
Great eggs, but stay away from the

pancakes.

Hello, could I talk to Teresa, please?

Big Teresa or Little Teresa?

Little Teresa, I guess. Little Teresa's
the busboy.

Big Teresa.

Teresa? Yeah, this is Dr. Robert
Hartley.

Yeah, I'm here with a very good friend
of yours, Mel.

She wants to know Mel who?

Mel, the guy who was in the coffee shop
the other night spilled coffee in his

shoe.

Mel, the guy who was in the coffee shop
the other night spilled coffee in his

shoe.

She said, huh?

Tell her what I look like.

He's about 5 '10". And a half.

And a half.

Weighs about 175.

And nice looking.

Thanks. Hey, where's the blue mood ring?

Uh -huh.

Means nothing to you.

Thank you. Goodbye.

How long have you and Teresa been going
together?

Well, actually, we just met the other
night in the coffee shop while I was

waiting for my shoe to dry.

How about the pictures?

Stole them off the cash register when
she was cleaning up the mess.

She doesn't know you from Adam.

Yeah, another week or two and she would
have been mine forever.

What makes you think that?

Guy Lanier told me.

Yeah, well, Guy Lanier told you wrong.

He told you a lot of wrong things.

Forget about the leisure suits and the
mood rings.

Just be yourself and be happy with that.
I wish I met you before Guy Lanier.

Well, I better get out there.

You want to buy a mood ring?

Oh, uh... You better give me your gun
before we go out.

Yeah.

I hate violence.

It's not loaded.

Well, in that case...