All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e20 Taxation Without Celebration

Oh, how's it going, Bob?

Uh, fine.

I just have this strange feeling I've,
you know, I've forgotten something.

Your socks?

I just feel like I should have a string
tied around my finger.

That's what you forgot, string.

No, it's bigger than that.

Rope?

There's no coffee.

That's what you forgot. You forgot to
make coffee.

Hey,

Carol, did my tax refund come yet? Nope.

That's what it is. I haven't done my
taxes. You're kidding, Bob. You only got

three days left to turn them in. I mean,
how could I forget my taxes?

I say that after 40, the brain starts to
go.

I can't believe it. Yeah, those little
cells just die off. They're

irreplaceable. Oh, Bob, I brought you
your wallet. You left it at the poker

game.

Cells are dropping off like flies.

You know, you want to hear something
funny? What? Bob forgot to do his taxes.

Why, Bob, are you in trouble?

The forms are so complicated this year,
it took me forever to do ours.

That's really encouraging, Larry.

Just think, honey.

Our first joint return.

Someday we may have tiny dependents
running around the house.

Just pretend this isn't happening.

The pitter -patter of little deductions.

You want us to leave the room?

Would you?

That's okay, Jerry. I gotta go.

I never knew taxes were such a term.

Maybe someday we'll be audited together.

Bob, I just thought of something else
you forgot.

What? What happens the day your taxes
are due?

I drank a lot.

It's your anniversary, Bob.

Anniversary of what?

Wedding anniversary.

I completely forgot.

I figure the man's brain is shrunk to
the size of a walnut.

What are you going to get Emily?

She's your wife? I know.

I really haven't given it much thought.

Which anniversary is this, Bob?

It's the third or the ninth.

When was I married, Carol?

Seven years ago.

Oh, then it would be our... Seven.

Seven.

I'd really be miffed. Yeah, but you'd be
sympathetic if his brain were rotting

away like... Jerry, I only forgot two
things, our anniversary and my taxes.

your wallet.

All right, I forgot three things.

Carol, call Emily at home and tell her
to get out my tax stuff.

She's not at home, she's at school.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I go in here, right?

Bob's in my anniversary, and I wondered
if you could help me with his

anniversary gift.

Get him a salami.

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Well, you've been busy.

I had lunch with Bob twice last week,
and both times he ordered salami on rye.

He loves salami.

Well, maybe I'll get him a salami next
year.

This is the year I'm going to take him
to San Francisco.

Really? How long are you going to be
gone?

Just one night.

I hope you make all the lights.

going to get on a plane?

Yeah, I just decided I'm going to close
my eyes and not pay any attention to

where I am.

That's what I do.

Anyway, Howard, could you get us the
tickets?

Well, I hadn't planned on spending that
much money on your gift. I was going to

get him a salami slicer.

Howard, I'll pay for the tickets.

Oh, it's going to be so romantic. You
know, just one night, a little dancing,

nice intimate dinner.

Bet he orders salami.

Howard, will you get us the tickets?

Well, our airline only flies straight to
San Francisco. I could get you a

baggage section.

It'd be cold, but cheap.

Never mind, Howard. I'll ask Carol to
get the tickets through Larry's travel

agency. I want you to do me a favor. Do
not mention one word of this to Bob. I

mean, I really want it to be a surprise.
Oh, my lips are sealed.

Oh, uh, hi, Bob. We were just talking,
uh, about the, uh, about the weather.

Yeah, but you never do anything about
it.

It's warm in San Francisco.

Well, I'd better get started on my
taxes.

This box is filled with dirt. Yeah,
that's my special plant dirt.

Oh, I thought it was just run -of -the
-mill dirt. My canceled checks are

supposed to be in this box.

Yeah, well, I had to switch boxes
because the box I had my dirt in was

Well, where do I find my tax stuff?
Buried in a fern?

In the den.

Uh, no, Bob, that's not right.

No,

I didn't put your canceled checks in the
dirt box. I, uh, put it in the pots and

pans box.

Fine. Bob, where are you going?

I'm going in the kitchen to get the pots
and pans box.

Well, why would I put the pots and pans
box in the kitchen?

I was just playing a hunch.

Emily, let me ask you just one question.

Where will I find my box of canceled
checks?

In the storage locker.

Of course.

And what label is on the box?

I didn't put a label on it, Bob. I
didn't want to confuse you.

Don't tell me you're still doing your
taxes. Today's the 14th.

Yeah, Jerry, I'm trying to stretch them
out as long as I can because I'm having

so much fun, you know?

How much money did you make last year?

Don't you think that's a little
personal, Jerry?

I made $58 ,000.

$58 ,000?

Off year.

I had an off year, too.

Why don't you get in a bundle back for a
refund? What about yourself?

A bundle? Yeah.

Could go as high as a hundred bucks.

I'm getting six thousand.

How'd you do that?

Business deductions.

Throwed off all my office furniture,
sofa, coffee table, stereo.

Jerry, you don't have any of that stuff
in your office. Yeah, I know it doesn't

fit in there, so I had to store it in my
apartment for a few years.

Okay, Bob, what'll it be? Love in the
afternoon, nights of passion?

Some people do anything for a raise.

Emily's anniversary present, if you
don't mind.

Perfume? Far out.

Perfume as an anniversary present. Who
would have thought of that?

All right, now, Bob, you choose the one
you like best, and I'll take the others

back. Fine.

Love in the afternoon.

One whiff turns a man into a lusting
wild animal.

$60 an ounce.

Next bottle.

This one's called Nights of Passion.

For Bob?

Jerry, Emily and I have been known to
have our moderately passionate nights.

Oh, mercy.

This one is just friends. You should
give it to a close acquaintance. That's

more your speed, Bob.

Don't you have some teeth to look at? If
you want me to go, Bob, you just say

so. Go.

Could you be more specific?

Now.

Okay, now, Bob, what'll it be?

Now, this one's $60 an ounce, that one's
$40, and Just Friends is $7 .50 a pint.

I'm not sure Emily needs a whole pint.

Hi. Hi.

Howdy, Jack's is coming.

Oh, they're gonna be okay. Well, what
brings you down here?

Well, Carol and I are having lunch.

Oh, I wish I could join you. Bring me
back salami on rye, would you?

Bob just loves salami. Well, the wife is
always the last to know.

See you later, honey.

Did you get the Ickits Day?

Ickits Day?

Uh, yeah.

Ickits Day?

It's a national holiday for Ickits.

Yeah, I think I've heard of it.

Uh, what's all the perfume?

Oh, Carol's been doing such a good job
lately, I thought I'd get her a little

gift. The man's a prince.

Here, Carol, here's a pint of Just
Friends.

That's great if your friend's a sheep.

Oh, here, Carol, take this.

Oh, no, it's kind of expensive. Well,
you deserve it. That's true.

You'll probably be wanting to wear it on
your next job.

I'll wait for you outside.

Speaking of presents, Bob, when are you
going to get my anniversary gift?

What makes you think I haven't gotten it
already?

Because I went to the apartment with a
fine -tooth comb and because I don't

perfume again this year.

Well, now, see, that's going to be a
problem. I was going to get it this

afternoon, but...

I have to march in the annual Ickett's
Day parade.

Yeah, I'm the Grand Ickett.

Use 1040 in conjunction with form 24D.

Subtract line.

63E unless you are income averaging.

In which case, you're using the wrong
form.

Give me the sports page, will you?

Won't find the answers in there.

Yeah, you're right. Give me the
comments.

Honey, why don't you just sit down and
finish it? You'll feel better.

Sure, it's easy for you to sit there and
tell me to finish it.

Well, you want me to help you?

No, I'll do it.

I enjoy doing it.

Just don't enjoy doing it fast.

Thank God. I'll get it. No, no, no, no.
I'll get it.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Emily. Hi, Bob.

Oh, nice to see you.

Yeah, it's great.

Great to see you.

Oh, and we just came over to drop off
your anniversary gift.

Oh, thank you. That's very nice.

Yeah, well, come on in. Sit down. Stay a
while.

Make yourself comfortable.

Well, what can I get you? How about a...

Make you some brownies.

Bob was just trying to avoid doing his
taxes.

Oh, hey, listen, you can open the gift
tomorrow. We don't want to hold you out.

No, no, no, no problem.

I hope you like it.

Oh, that's great.

Nice.

Very, very nice.

Oh, it's just terrific.

It's a yogurt maker.

Oh, of course it is.

Well, let's make some.

Or you could finish doing your taxes.

You really want to make some yogurt?

Oh, more than anything.

It takes a long time to make.

Well, the longer the better.

Okay, now, first we need some
homogenized milk.

And do you have any yogurt culture? No.

I'll be right back.

I'm going to Yogurt City to get some
culture.

This is ridiculous.

Maybe we should go.

I can't do my taxes without yogurt.

That little thing makes any flavor you
can think of. Go on, just think of a

flavor.

Raspberry. It makes that.

Strawberry. Yep.

Cucumber. It makes that one best.

Favorite.

You hate cucumbers.

I love cucumber yogurt.

Bob, have you ever had papaya yogurt?

You know, I haven't.

Oh,

come on, Larry. We better go.

Okay.

Mango.

I wonder if it works with low -fat milk.

I don't know.

I better check. Bob.

Yeah, I think I'll get back to my taxes.

A little some yogurt would have really
hit the spot.

Just in thought.

Hi.

Turn on your TV set. Oh, Howard, Bob's
working.

I know, but it's the last episode of
Sick Man, Well Man.

Why don't you watch it on your own set?

Well, Bob told me to come over here.

Well, I think we owe it to ourselves to
see the last episode.

What's it called, Howard?

Sick man, well man.

Anyway, it's about these two brothers.
One is sick all the time, see, and the

other drills oil wells.

Sounds good.

Good. I mean, in the last episode, see,
the sick brother, I mean, he got very,

very nauseous, and if that wasn't bad
enough, he got a cold.

Wow. Yeah, and then you know what
happened to Frank? Frank, he was going

leave all his money to charity, see, and
then he changed his mind.

I was just going to get a sharp pencil.

Ha! Here it comes.

As tonight's episode begins, Rhonda, who
was married to Frank but loved Donald,

decides to tell Donald that she can't
leave Frank until his cold gets better.

Is Bob back from lunch? No. And don't go
in. Emily and their chauffeur are

hiding in there.

Chauffeur? I thought he had a bad year.

She's waiting to surprise him.

She hired a limo to whisk him to the
airport, and then they fly away to San

Francisco for their anniversary.

Well, that's just stupid.

Why doesn't she get him something
useful? And, if possible, deductible.

Like what?

I don't know. A new spit sink.

You sentimental fool, you.

Hi, Doc.

Hi. I see you finally got Emily her
gift, huh? Yeah.

What is it?

Meat.

And why not?

This happens to be two porterhouse
steaks I'm going to barbecue them for

tonight. What are you going to get her
for Christmas?

Vegetables?

As a matter of fact, I picked something
else out. I'm going to give it to her

after dinner.

What, mints?

Jerry, I'd love to stay and continue
this meaningful dialogue, but frankly, I

can't be bothered. Me either.

Me either, but I'm trapped.

I don't think I know you.

No, this is Kyle, our chauffeur.

Of course.

How are you, Kyle?

Great.

You see, Kyle is going to take us to the
airport.

Then we're going to fly to San Francisco
just for the night.

It's so romantic.

It's wonderful.

Kyle's going to do all that? Yeah.

We've got to leave right now, Bob. I
mean, we're going to be in San Francisco

time to see the sunset on the Golden
Gate Bridge.

That's a sight to see, Bob.

Would you excuse me for just a minute?

He's overcome.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

You think this is something? Well, he
gives you your gift.

Oh.

I forgot my taxes.

Didn't you finish them yet?

Well, I was going to finish them this
morning, but I had to go out and shop

your present.

Oh, here it is.

It's a box of meat.

That's a nice touch, Bob.

Practical. It's not too ostentatious.

Oh, there's the Golden Gate Bridge.

Good.

I think I see the cannery.

Good.

Oh, there's Fisherman's Wharf.

Good.

Adolf Hitler is attacking the fishermen.

Would I like to have an intimate candle
at dinner?

Well, of course.

If it's with you, Captain Romand.

Oh, you always say my hair gleams in the
moonlight.

Well, I know it does, but it's just the
way you say it.

folded gypsy violin.

Of course you can kiss me. Take me, I'm
yours.

Did Mr.

Carlin ever use our bathroom?

Who gives a damn?

Well, if he did, I can deduct his soap
for business purposes.

It's a bellboy. Oh, don't disturb
yourself, Bob. I'll get it.

Gift from a Howard Borden.

Navigator, first class.

Oh, how sweet.

I'd like to read the card to you, if I
may.

Happy anniversary, Howard.

Did you hear that, Bob?

It's our anniversary.

Shall I open it for you?

Sure.

It's a salami.

I love salami.

Oh, listen, will you come back and bring
some rye bread and a knife?

Sure.

Forget the knife and the rye bread. Just
forget everything.

Just take your tip and just get out.

Just be a couple more minutes. You've
got 30 seconds.

Emily, you don't realize the importance
of the individual income tax. I mean, it

keeps America on the move. It builds our
libraries, our highways, our bridges,

our tunnels. You've got 15 seconds.

What's our zip code?

We're going to have separate zip codes.

Emily, I have to know our zip code.

60611.

60611.

I am finished.

I don't believe it.

Maybe I'd better check my figures.

Maybe I ought to give you your
anniversary present.

I hope it's a brisket.

Drink.

Oh, Bob, it's beautiful. Thank you.

Happy anniversary.

You know, Bob...

It's too late to go out to dinner, and,
uh... Our flight doesn't leave for

several hours.

Oh, good. We could, uh... take a short
nap.

I'm... I'm bushed.

Why don't I just go... slip into my
ring?

Yeah, uh, go ahead, and I'll, uh... I'll
pour some wine.

When did you say our flight was?

Two in the morning.

Oh, good, because it's only 11 .30.

Oh, my God.

Taxes have to be postmarked by midnight.

What?

I'll be back as soon as I can. Help
yourself to the wine.

I mean,

you flew me all the way out to San
Francisco for a romantic evening, and

ignored you the whole night.

Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

So, why don't we walk down to the post
office together?

Good morning, Carol.

Hi, Bob.

How was your trip? San Francisco.

Oh, terrific.

You know, the main post office there is
totally computerized.

Here's your mail.

Oh, anything interesting?

Just your tax return. You mailed it to
yourself.

Perfect. Shall I call the IRS?

No, I'll send them a letter today.

Oh, good. You should get that tomorrow.

Speaking of taxes, now don't laugh, but
Jerry's getting audited.