All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e19 Death Be My Destiny

I don't know, you know, Dr. Hartley.

I just can't seem to get anywhere.

Well, maybe you just don't try.

No, I think it's because I don't drive.

Weren't you going to take driving
lessons?

Yeah, I started taking lessons
yesterday.

Well, that's good. Yeah, but I quit
today because, you know, I was almost in

accident.

But you weren't actually in an accident.
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

But you don't have to say you're sorry.

Well, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sorry I
said I was sorry before those last two

sorries.

For what?

For everything.

Look, Mr. Hurd, if you blame yourself
for everything, you wind up being afraid

of your own shadow.

Mr.

Hurd, you want to sit down?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

I'd like to tell you about something
that happened in my childhood. Oh,

love to hear your stories.

I used to play baseball, and on the
other team was a pitcher named Eddie

DiMaggio.

Familiar name? Oh, yeah. I know a couple
of guys named Eddie.

And Eddie had a reputation for throwing
a beanball.

Uh -oh.

Heavens to Betsy.

So, the first time I get in the batter's
box, he rifles a shot at my head, and I

duck. Oh.

See, he missed, but it was a near miss.

The point was, I got up again and got
back in the batter's box.

Jumping Jiminy, what happened?

Well, he nailed me in the ankle.

Great Caesar's ghost.

But the important thing is, I didn't
quit until the third inning when my

started to swell up like a cantaloupe.

What a great story.

Thank you very much.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up. Oh, I'm
sorry.

Mr. Hurd, I really wish you'd reconsider
driving this.

I'd rather stay in my room.

There's no reason to be afraid of
driving.

I'm not afraid of driving. I'm afraid of
crashing.

You can learn to drive, Mr. Hurd. Just

be positive.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

See you next week, Mr. Hurd. If I'm
still alive.

I'll put that down as a maybe.

You can do it, Mr. Hurd.

Oh, sure. Driving's a snap. Jerry taught
me in no time.

It was our nation's darkest hour.

Here we go again. You run over one
little garbage can, you're marked for

It was not my fault. Yeah, some jerk put
his garbage can right on his front

porch.

Everybody doesn't need garbage cans.

Or hydrants, or houses, or trees, or
fences.

I'll be in my room.

I'll be in my room.

Oh, hi, dear.

Hi, honey.

What do you got?

A little something for you. For me?

Oh, thank you.

Throat lozenges?

Yeah, Dr.

Collins had some free samples.

Aren't you going to ask me about my
checkup?

Sure, when I get through being
overwhelmed by your incredible

So, how was your checkup? Terrific.

He gave me a really thorough
examination, said I had a fine heart,

kidneys, and a dynamite spleen.

Well, I've always been proud of your
spleen.

what happened to me. I was petrified.

Howard, you've hit air pockets before.
Yeah, but this one had my name on it.

not going to go off on a plane again.

You mean you're going to quit just like
that?

Yeah, quit and get a job in a shoe
store.

Why?

Shoe stores don't crash.

Howard, let me tell you a little story.

When I was a kid, I used to play
baseball.

Is this the Eddie DiMaggio story?

I don't understand it. Neither do I.

I said you shouldn't give up so easily.

I'm not going to give up. I'm just going
to work in a shoe store for a couple of

years. Oh, Howard, you're a born
navigator.

That's true.

You know, you just can't quit because
you've had one bad experience.

That's true.

I mean, you love to fly. You're always
flying.

That's true.

Well, I'll think about it.

Howard, you mean you're going to chicken
out and sell shoes the rest of your

life? Are you going to be a navigator
and soar like an eagle? What are you

to do?

I'm going to do both.

I'm going to sell shoes to navigators.

You know, Emily, we're lucky we don't
have the outlook that Howard and many of

my patients have.

How lucky are we?

We're very lucky.

I mean, we've got each other, we've got
our health, and one of us has a dynamite

spleen.

I didn't startle you.

No, no, I just thought we had mice.

Well, yeah, I was just in the, you know,
neighborhood, the general area, and I

just wanted to show you here.

Oh, a wallet. That's very nice.

Look inside.

Oh, a driver's license. That's terrific.

Thanks.

Mr. Hurd, you don't have to stand in the
doorway.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mr. Hurd.

Mr. Hurd, you want to come in?

Oh, in. Oh, I misunderstood you. I'm
sorry.

Well,

you must be very proud now that you have
a driver's license.

Yeah, I feel like a man who swallowed a
smile.

That's very nice. I'd never heard that
phrase.

I made it up. I'm sorry.

So you don't have to be sorry about
anything. I mean, you're a man who has

something that was very difficult for
him to do. Yeah.

Well, now that you've conquered driving,
there must be some other new things

you'd like to try. Oh, I'm afraid of new
things. I mean, that's why I bought a

used car.

Mr. Hurd, when are you going to come out
of your shell? You know, just cut

loose. Try something totally wild.

Well, you know, I have my wild side.

You know, just the other day, I mean, I
went to the library, and when nobody was

looking, I talked real loud.

Right, well, there are other exciting,
more exciting things to do, like, oh,

skiing, canoeing, tap dancing.

Tap dancing scares the daylights out of
me.

Mr. Hurd, you're a man who'd talk loud
in a library.

Oh, let's face it, Dr. Hartley. I'm
afraid to live and I'm afraid to die and

afraid to laugh and I'm afraid to cry.

Everything. I'm afraid of everything.

Well, Mr. Hurd, the only thing you have
to fear is fear itself.

That's my worst fear.

Fear.

Mr. Hurd, you're just afraid of new
experiences.

Have you ever gone up to someone you
don't know and just say, Hello.

Well, suppose they laugh at me.

Then you laugh back.

Yeah, but what if they laugh back again?

Then you laugh back again. Remember, he
who laughs last, laughs loudest.

Boy, I don't know where you come up with
this stuff, but that's great.

I do not let you go. These bills have to
get out. Jerry, Mr. Pierre is waiting

for me. You can pick up your car later.

Mr. Pierre is not a mechanic.

He is a hairdresser.

If he does your hair, he's a mechanic.

How about these bills?

You know, Jerry, sometimes you can be
very mean.

I'm sorry, Carol.

I like your hair. I really like your
hair, and I don't think you should

it. Really? You like it this length? I
love it.

You know, I kind of like it myself.

It's taken me a long time to grow it
this long, you know. I just think it's

perfect length, but...

Well, Larry likes it shorter.

I don't know, maybe I can get another
permanent and then have it... Welded?

Do your own bills. Why don't you two
stop bickering? It is too fine a day to

waste it bickering. I mean, life is too
short. Learn to enjoy it. Oh, but in a

little merry sunshine.

I happen to be in a very good mood.
We're not.

I feel terrific.

We don't. I'm on top of the world. I am
strong.

I am invincible. You are a woman.

Let's hear you roar.

Let's hear you leave.

Yeah, Willie.

As a matter of fact, I feel so good, I'm
going to take the afternoon off.

I had the most wonderful day. I mean,
not only with school bread, but I found

this new supermarket with great
bargains. Bob, look at these cans of

28 cents a regular, only 58 cents.

And you know how you always hunt in the
refrigerator for maraschino cherries?

Well, I'll hunt no more, my friend. Look
at this.

Four jars, two green, two red. You will
never have to hunt again.

But that's not the best of it, Bob. I
saved the best for last. Look at this.

Sardines. Thick cans for a dollar a
minute. and said they're fresh off the

what do you say about that?

I was almost killed.

What?

No, nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

I mean, you just said you're almost
killed. How can you say you're almost

and expect me to accept nothing for an
answer, Bob? What happened?

I was almost killed.

What do you mean you were almost killed?

I was killed, but not quite.

What happened? What happened? I was
almost killed.

I went to get in the elevator, and it
wasn't there, and I had to cling onto

cables for dear life. Oh, no, Bob, how'd
you get out?

Well, it wasn't easy.

I inched my way down the cables until I
got down to the floor below. That's

where the elevator was, and then I let
myself in the trap door.

Oh, my goodness, you're here, and you're
safe.

Emily, I was almost touched by Father
Death.

That's Father Time, Bob. It's Old Man
Death.

It's Old Man River.

You sure?

Well, whoever he was, Emily, I felt icy
fingers up and down my spine.

That's old black magic.

Hi, everybody. What's happening?

I was almost killed.

Really? I almost fell down an elevator
shaft.

Oh, you could get killed.

I don't want to talk about it. Okay,
let's eat.

I am never getting in another elevator
again. Oh, honey, come on. Now,

only strikes once.

Well, with lightning, once is plenty.

What I mean is, just because you've had
one bad experience doesn't mean you

should never get on an elevator again.

What's the difference? You could get
killed anyplace.

I mean, you could slip in your bathtub.
You could trip on the rug. You could get

electrocuted by your toaster.

How could that happen?

Put in wet bread.

Cap on your salt shaker could be your
doom.

Oh, come on. No, I'm serious. I mean,
say you're eating a meatloaf, see, and,

well, it needed salt. So you start to
salt it, and the cap falls off, see? And

you go down to pick it up. Oh, you get
it right ahead, and you fall over, see,

like this. And then you slip on the
roller skates.

Yikes! And you go backwards like this.
You sail backwards. You trip over the

stairs. You get tangled, your neck like
this, into the drapes.

See? And there you are, just...

dangling into the wind like this.

Until Mother's death comes a -knocking
at your door.

Howard, we don't have any roller skates.

Well, then Bob will never die.

Howard, will you cut out the horror
stories and let's have dinner?

I'm sorry.

I know, I guess Emily's right. I mean,
just because I had one nerve -shattering

experience doesn't mean I have to live
the rest of my life in fear.

Mmm. That smells good. What is it? It's
meatloaf.

Meatloaf? Oh, no.

Howard, pass the salt, will you?

Howard, would you mind getting that?

Watch out.

Watch out. There's four of them.

They must stay in the car.

Don't let them out.

Honey,

what's the matter?

I was having a nightmare.

What was it about?

I was in this rowboat in this empty lake
and there was a

vulture perched on the rowboat and it
kept going.

I don't think vultures go caw, caw.
Emily, do you mind?

It was my nightmare.

He was going, caw, caw.

And then all of a sudden, the boat
seemed to just glide by itself to this

island.

And the only person there was this tall,
gaunt man dressed all in black.

Did he have a guitar?

No. Oh, I thought it might have been
Johnny Cash.

He was wearing a hood, and in one hand
he had a tombstone, and in the other

he had an hourglass, and the sand was
running out, and in the other hand he

a fickle.

He had three hands?

He had four hands. The other one was
flipping a coin.

Then his face loomed out of the fog, and
he said two words to me.

What did he say?

Hi, Bob.

Well, I mean, at least he was friendly.

Friendly?

Friendly? He led me to this bottomless
pit, and he pushed me in, and I kept

falling and falling. I kept trying to
say something.

And finally, I was able to scream out.

What'd you say?

Carl! Carl!

Emily, I... I don't want to die.

Well, of course not, honey. Nobody dies.

I feel like a marked man. I mean, you
know how things come in threes?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, first a gall dies, then Mao. I
could be next.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for my army dog tags.

Why? I wore them during the Korean War,
and I was never killed.

You never left Fort Dix, New Jersey.

People die in New Jersey.

Honey, come back to bed.

Anyway, aren't you afraid of dying?

Well, sure, but I just try and think of
it as part of life.

Yeah, the last part.

Honey, go to sleep. You'll feel better
in the morning.

What if I don't wake up?

Then give my regards to Johnny Cash.

You're still afraid of the elevator,
huh, Bob?

No, I'm not afraid. I just...

Just enjoy walking up the stairs.

Is Mr. Hurd here?

What? Mr. Hurd. Mr. Hurd, is he here?

He's in your office.

I can't believe it. A grown man afraid
of an elevator.

I'm not afraid of anything.

I mean, I've conquered my fears.

I mean, if death were to look me in the
face, I would laugh.

What happened to you?

I took your advice and went skiing.

Actually, I went falling.

I shouldn't have told you to do that.

Oh, why not? I had a great time.

You enjoyed breaking your leg?

Well, no, that wasn't the best part.

But, you know, going down the mountain
was.

You know, with the wind blowing in my
face and the snow flying around me.

It was the best four feet of my life.

I had to spend the rest of the weekend
in the ski lodge, you know.

I'm sorry.

Well, that's okay. I mean, I made a lot
of new friends. They even gave me a new

nickname. Mad Dog Hurd.

Well, I feel terrible, Mr. Hurd.

Mad Dog.

You know, maybe you were just lucky.
Maybe you should quit while you were

Are you kidding?

I'm going skiing as soon as my leg
heals.

And then I'm going to go canoeing down
the rapids.

Then what?

Tap dancing.

You're just tempting fate. Maybe you
shouldn't take so many unnecessary

Dr. Hartley, what's happened to you?

Me? Not much. Oh, I almost fell down an
elevator shaft, but it was

nothing.

You could have been hurt.

I could have been killed.

It was terrible.

Yeah, but I'll bet you got right back on
that elevator and you shook your fist

at Uncle Death, huh?

I didn't get right back on the elevator.
I mean, you know, I could have gotten

right back on the elevator, but it's
real good exercise to walk up and down

stairs. Bean dip.

Dr. Hartley, let me tell you a story
that happened to me when I was a kid.

You know, I used to play baseball and
there was this pitcher named Eddie

DiMaggio. Familiar name?

I told you that story.

Well, I know that, but I don't have any
childhood stories of my own, so... I

didn't think you'd mind if I borrowed
it, you know?

Be my guest.

Well, anyway, the important thing is to
get back on that elevator.

I'll do it at lunch.

Later this week.

You gotta do it now.

Well, I don't want to disrupt, you know,
our session. Come on, Dr. Hartley.

Stand up to your fears.

I'm standing, and I mean, I'm not afraid
of anything.

It's just an elevator.

You know, what's an elevator? It's a big
metal box suspended in midair by

thin cables.

Real thin cables.

I've got a lot of paperwork to do.

Come on, Dr.

Hartley. Do it for Mad Dog.

Dr. Hartley's going down the elevator.

Oh, let me pack a parachute.

Don't you have a welding appointment?

I'll miss it for this.

Come on now, Dr. Hartley. There's
nothing to it.

See?

Yeah, I'm convinced. Dr. Hartley!

I want you in here, and I want you in
here now!

Couldn't you just say so long?

Oh, Mr. Ridd, I'm so impressed. I've
never seen you so forceful.

Well, Carol, you know, I remember
something that happened to me when I was

kid. You know, I used to play baseball,
and there was this pitcher named Eddie

DiMaggio. Familiar name?

I'm gonna get you for this, mad dog.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Hi, dear. How was your day?

Had its ups and downs.

Oh, Bob, you were out on the elevator.

Yeah, I got to thinking it's silly. You
know, I've had two brushes with death. I

shouldn't be afraid of anything.

I mean, I've looked death in the eye,
and I laughed.

Caw, caw, caw.

That's the old Bob Hartley I know and
love.

Just call me Mad Dog.

What's for dinner? Gravy train.

pulling my tail on you.

Well, actually, I thought we might go
out to dinner.

Oh, I was kind of hoping to have
something here and watch TV.

Well, I suppose I could talk something
together.

Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Cash.

See you in the car, Emily.

I'm taking the stairs.