All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e18 The Heartbreak Kidd

Oh, good morning. Could I help you? Oh,
well, I'm waiting for Dr. Hartley. I'm a

psychology student, and I'm going to be
observing Dr.

Hartley for the next couple of months.

Oh, you're Veronica Kidd!

That's right, but everybody calls me
Ronnie. Oh, well, Dr.

Hartley will be here in a few minutes.

Oh, I'm so excited! I just can't wait to
meet him.

I bet he's brilliant.

How much?

No, Bob, he's a very intelligent man,
and you'll learn a lot. Well, I have a

to learn.

And I'll teach you tonight.

Hello, I'm Dr. Robinson, the leading
orthodontist on this entire floor, but

everybody calls me Jerry.

Come on over here.

Well, hello, I'm Ronnie Kidd.

I'm going to be observing Dr. Hartley.
Ah, that sounds like fun.

It's kind of like watching a rock move.

That was him. He usually makes it on the
second try.

Hi, Bob.

Oh,

you must be Ronnie. Oh, Dr.

Hartley, it is such a pleasure to meet
you.

I'm so excited about this fantastic
opportunity.

I would rather have you than any of the
psychologists who volunteered for this

program. Well, thank you.

How did you happen to choose me? I drew
your name out of a hat.

It's so meaningful.

It's always meant a lot to me.

I bet there's a deep psychological
reason why everything is the way it is.

The reason is money. I didn't have any
when I bought this stuff.

Oh, but it really feels right.

Especially the way you've got the
furniture arranged.

The chair here.

The couch there.

You know, I, um... I put the chair
beside the couch so that, uh...

The couch and the chair would be beside
each other

so that the patient and I would be in
close proximity to the

couch and the chair.

That's wonderful.

That's something you learn from
experience.

You know, I know that I must be babbling
on like a little kid, but I feel like

I'm working with Sigmund Freud.

Well, I'm sure it was similar, except I
think Freud had a leather couch.

You know, I was afraid that you'd kind
of be old -fashioned and stuffy, but I

bet your patients must love you.

Yeah, they do.

Robert Hartley, Ph .D. Oh, that's what
I'm looking forward to. A diploma just

like yours.

Yeah, except I imagine you'd want your
own name on it.

Seriously, Ronnie, what would you like
to talk about?

Well, let's talk about your technique.

Technique?

Well, I do a lot of testing.

Do you give the Jandy?

The what?

The Jandy test.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If the situation calls for it. Oh, I
would love to see it. Do you have a

Uh... Copy of my Jondi.

Oh, darn it. Somebody locked my Jondi
drawer.

But I do have some inkblots.

Inkblots? Yeah, they're not Jondis, but
what is?

Isn't it amazing what people see when
they look at inkblots?

In this one, I see hate.

I see an apple.

You know, you're absolutely right.

Hate doesn't have a stem.

Maybe it's a big, fat spider.

That's what it is. With a stem.

I don't know what it is.

I think it's so great that a
psychologist of your stature can admit

doesn't know everything.

Well, there are a lot of things I don't
know. Like what?

I don't know.

I'm going to learn so much here.

I just hope that I don't get in your
way.

Bob.

There's something wrong with my bowling
ball.

Looks okay to me.

Did you plug it in?

Now, that's really stupid. Are you going
to help me or not?

Well, what's wrong, Howard?

It doesn't have any holes in it.

Emily, get our bowling ball drill, will
you?

May we tell Bob to stop ribbing me?

Stop ribbing him, Bob.

I'm sorry, Howard. What do you need?

I'd like to borrow your bowling ball
until I get holes in mine.

Why didn't you say that in the first
place?

Can I borrow your bowling ball?

I don't have a bowling ball.

Well, I'll let you borrow mine, but it
doesn't have any holes in it.

Howard, what do you really want?

Dinner.

I was kind of hoping you'd invite me.
The bowling ball was just a diversion.

Oh, well, we can't invite you to dinner,
Howard. We already invited Ronnie.

I know. I want to meet her. Bob said
she's a knockout.

Oh, really?

You never said that to me.

You never asked me if she was a
knockout.

Is she?

Who?

That must be who now.

Oh, hi.

I'm Howard Borden, my vault of
diversion.

That's nice.

Hi, Bob.

Hi. Hi, Ronnie.

This is my wife, Emily. Hello, Ronnie.

Hello. And you've met our diversion.

Yes. Bob's right. You are a knockout.

Howard has to have some holes drilled,
and we'll see him later.

really want me to, I'll stay for dinner.

Right.

Is he going to be okay?

I think so. That sounded like a strike.

Did you have any trouble finding our
apartment?

No, but I was a little worried about
coming over. Oh?

There have been so many robberies in
Chicago lately.

I wonder why people do things like that.

Probably for money.

husband's such a sketch.

Uh -huh.

Isn't he, though?

He sure is.

Uh, drinks?

Bob, after all those lunches we've had
together, you know I don't drink.

Yeah, we haven't had that many lunches.

So, outside of the lunches, how have
things been going these last few weeks?

Oh, it's just terrific.

Every day is a new learning experience
for me. Today, today Bob interpreted a

patient's dream.

Well, that's his business.

Yes, but he said that the dream didn't
necessarily mean anything.

On the other hand, it could mean
something. But if it did, it could mean

number of things.

That sounds like Bob.

Who is the patient?

Oh, uh... I don't think Bob and I can
tell you. It's privileged information.

Emily, it doesn't matter who the patient
was. He was just a dreamer.

So, how's everything with you? How's
school?

Oh, well, same as usual.

We did have a crisis in the cafeteria. I
had to talk to the cook.

The gravy's been lumpy.

I guess, uh, I guess they put too much
flour in it.

No.

They go heavy on the cornstarch, you
know.

That makes the gravy lumpy and, uh, kids
don't like it.

Well, I can understand that.

down on the cornstarch.

That should do it.

Fighting mental illness is so rewarding.

Yeah, and so is the nutritional balance
in our public school system. So what

else happened, Emily?

Well, Bob, I don't think I can top that
gravy story.

I bet you can.

Student brought me an apple. An apple?

An apple?

Did it look like a fat spider with a
stem?

Did I miss something?

Well, it's just kind of a private joke.

Bob and I laugh like this all the time
at the office. He's so funny.

At the office.

We don't laugh all the time.

We work very hard, too.

Today, Bob was teaching me body
language.

Well, Bob certainly has the body for
that.

You know, I never knew that you can tell
how a person feels about you by the way

they sit or stand.

For instance, if a person holds himself
in an open position, it generally means

that they like you.

That's fascinating.

Would you tell Bob I'd like to see him
for a minute?

So, Mary Lou, where were we?

Oh, uh, Jerry, could I see you for a
minute?

Thanks, Carol. You really do great work.

Mary Lou, I'm going to have to call you
back. I am just swamped.

Hi, Betty. It is a madhouse here.

Well,

what do you want to talk about?

Ronnie? Me, too. I want to ask her out
tonight.

I'm afraid she wouldn't be interested,
Jerry.

I think she's falling in love with me.

That's impossible.

You can laugh if you want to, Jerry.

She's showing all the symptoms.

Like what?

Blindness?

You know how women get when they're
crazy about you? They keep doing things

you? You know, straightening up my desk,
bringing me coffee, smiling at me. Ooh,

that's serious, huh?

Yesterday, she made me some cookies. Oh,
no, Bob.

What kind of cookies?

Chocolate chip. That wanton trollop.

Okay, forget it, Jerry. How can I forget
it, Bob? Someone's plying my friend

with cookies.

Jerry, if she isn't in love with me, why
is she doing all these things? She

probably feels sorry for pudgy guys.

You know, a lot of women find me very
attractive.

Oh, yeah? Who? Your wife?

Your mother? Your aunt?

To name three.

Bob, you are 45 years old.

Jerry, behind this 45 -year -old pudgy
facade lies a deceptively sexy person.

That's amazing. She saw right through
your clever, pudgy disguise.

So far, Jerry, you've called me fat,
old, and ugly.

Oh, what's the point? The point is,
you're a jerk.

Take it easy, Bob. What did I do to
deserve this?

Bob, I just got an A on the test, and
it's all because I've been working with

you. Ronnie, I was wondering if you
wanted to go out tonight.

These three weeks have been the best
three weeks of my life. Yeah, probably

little dancing, then we stop dancing. I
can't tell you how much this

relationship has meant to me, Bob.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I'm going to be busy
tonight. Why don't you call me later in

week?

Take it easy, Ronnie. Take it easy. I
can't. I'm just so happy that I met you.

Better call early in the day,
sweetheart. You know, first come, first

Still not home yet, huh? Yeah, that's
right.

Well, I wouldn't worry.

And I wouldn't worry about what happened
at lunch today.

What happened?

Nothing, nothing. I was with Bob and
Ronnie the whole time.

Right up until the check came.

I don't even think Ronnie likes Bob.

Are you kidding? She loves him.

I thought you'd be the last to know.

Poor kid.

Go ahead, cry on my shoulder.

Just let the tears flow.

I mean, make you feel better.

I'm okay, Howard.

It's no problem.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, sure.

You know, I have to admit, I was upset
at first, but, you know, then I realized

I was just being stupid.

Ah, you brave little soldier. You must
be dying inside.

Coward? I trust Bob. Then fight for him.
Don't let her steal your man.

What? I mean, get yourself a new
wardrobe.

Dye your hair. Make yourself taller.

I'm tall enough.

Well, you could at least get a new hat.

You just don't stand there drinking coke
while your whole world crumbles.

Oh, nothing's crumbling.

Look, boy, I've been around, and I know
I'm a man. I mean, men have certain

urges.

Howard, are you talking about sex?

That, too.

Finley, in every man's life, there are
three sure things.

Birth, death, and fooling around.

Bob is not the type to fool around.

Okay, but look out for those very subtle
telltale signs.

What signs?

You're like a babe in the woods.

I mean, lipstick on the collar.

I mean, an earring in a car, motel key
in his pocket.

Well, none of that has happened.

Bob's trickier than I thought.

Hello? Oh, hi, dear.

No, no, I wasn't worried.

Where are you?

Well, sure, I believe it.

Well, cars run out of gas.

No kidding.

Right in her driveway, huh?

Well, I'll see you when you get home.

Yeah, sure, I'll wait up for you.

You can bet I'll wait up for you.

Thanks for calling.

It's okay, Ronnie's not here yet.

Well, you can't go through life being
afraid to go into your own office.

I'm not afraid, Jer, I'm just being
cautious.

Especially after last night.

What happened last night?

I drove Ronnie home and the car ran out
of gas in her driveway.

Come on, Bob, that's the oldest trick in
the book.

Did it work?

It's the truth, Jerry.

What did Emily say when he got home?

She said, get your car tuned, your
supper's in the oven, good night.

I gotta do something, Jerry. I gotta get
rid of it.

Sorry to hear that, Bob.

I like Emily.

I'm talking about Ronnie.

Oh, right.

So, I guess today is D -Day.

Yeah, I... I guess it is. It's just that
I... I don't know how to do it. Well,

there's only one right way to do it.

Take her out to the most expensive
restaurant in town. You order steak

for two. In the middle of the meal, tell
her it's all over. Have the waiter

bring her a doggy bag and send her on
her way.

It's nice, Jerry. It's very classy.

Hello. Hello there. Listen, Ronnie, I'd
like you to step into my office when

you're through with Bob, and you will
be.

Bob, I brought this for you.

To a great psychologist, all my love,
Ronnie. And I really mean it.

Thanks. Thanks, Ronnie.

A lot of people throw the word love
around these days. You see it on cake

cake.

Well, it's just my way of saying all my
love to a great

psychologist.

Did you ever see the movie Marjorie
Morningstar?

Natalie Wood had this mad crush on Gene
Kelly?

Yeah, yeah. Let's say that I'm Gene
Kelly and you're Natalie Wood.

Why? Well, because you...

You only think you're in love with me,
but you're not. You're really in love

with Martin Milner.

The guy from Adam 12?

Yeah, he was in the movie Marjorie
Morningstar, and he ended up with

Wood. Bob, I don't understand.

It's over, Ronnie.

That's the long and the short of it.

I love Emily. We have a terrific
marriage.

I think you should just forget me and
find Martin Milner.

Wait a minute, Bob. Wait a minute.

You think that I'm in love with you?

Like love, love?

Cakes don't lie.

Well, it's true.

I do love you. I love you like a father.

Like a father?

Yes, a wise, mature, older gentleman
who's given me the benefit of his years

experience.

You're sure you don't love me like a
brother?

No. A wise, mature, older gentleman.
Okay, okay.

I get it.

I'm glad you understand.

Sure, I understand.

Good.

Now, would it be okay with you if I took
the morning off?

My boyfriend's flying in, and I'd like
to meet him at the airport.

You never mentioned your boyfriend.

Well, yes, Danny. He's terrific.

We're going to be married, Bob.

I just hope he ages as gracefully as you
have.

Well, the secret is try to not fall out
of your rocking chair and break a hip.

Ellie, I have a confession to make.

What?

I'm old.

That's the confession?

I'm old and I can't touch my toes
anymore.

That's two confessions.

Right, there's a third confession.

I thought there might be.

I should have mentioned it earlier, but
I was trying to keep it a secret.

I thought Ronnie was in love with me.

Oh, yes, that child.

But she wasn't. She thought of me as a
brother.

An older brother.

An old, older brother.

I made a fool of myself, Emily, and you
know the old saying.

There's no fool like an old fool.

I hate that.

But it's true.

I mean, I'm falling apart. I'm over the
hill. I've got wrinkles.

Where?

Under my eyes when I smile.

Go on, smile.

No, I don't feel like it.

I look like an old Indian woman.

Come on, Bob.

That's a nice smile.

You know, that's the nicest smile I've
seen in many moons.

Bob, you're very attractive.

No Martin Milner.

No, I'd say you're more the Paul Newman
type.

Oh, come on. I'll tell you one thing.

Your eyes are a lot bluer than his.

Come on.

That one is.

You're just trying to make me feel good.
Oh, come on, Bob. I know women, and

Ronnie was so in love with you, she
couldn't see straight.

She had a boyfriend, Danny.

Sure, for protection. She knew she
wasn't going to get you, and she didn't

to get hurt.

I don't believe that.

You really think so?

How could anyone resist an eye that
blue?

I guess you're right.

You got it, you got it.

You got it.

Right.

I'm not getting older, I'm getting
better.

Any messages?

Yeah, but not for you.

For Bob.

Uh, Ronnie called.

She says she's doing great back at
school and her professors love her

Yeah, she had great cookies.

Too bad she dumped you, old -timer.

She didn't dump me, Jerry. She was in
love with me. She was trying to hide it.

She wasn't in love with you. She was in
love with me.

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, yeah?

Let's ask an impartial observer.

Carol, you gorgeous hunk of femininity,
you.

Let's say that you were trapped on a
desert island. You could only be with

of us. Who would you pick?

I'd pick Paul Newman.

Close enough for me.

Wait a minute.

How do you know she meant you?

Are you kidding?

With this eye?