All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e17 Halls of Hartley

Morning, Bob.

Excuse me, but the weenie fell off your
stick.

Very funny, Kurt.

Thank you.

This happens to be an automobile
antenna. It's mine.

Someone deliberately broke it off my
car.

This is the third one they've broken
off.

I mean, this city is becoming a jungle.

I know what you mean, Bob. Last week,
someone stole my pantyhose.

Well, they get them over your shoes.

I was carrying them out of the store. I
just bought them.

Breaking off antennas, stealing
pantyhose? Who would do something like

Probably the notorious car antenna
pantyhose gang.

You try getting along without your car
radio. Well, try getting along without

your pantyhose.

Excuse me, Bob.

Your door won't open.

Thank you for telling me, Carol. Now
would you tell me why?

Well, when I was trying to open it this
morning, the key broke off in the lock.

Now, can you tell me when the
superintendent is going to fix it? He

can't be done.

Why? Because.

Oh.

But I did call the locksmith. Good.

He'll be here day after tomorrow, but
it's going to cost you extra because

a rush job.

Ah, excuse me, Bob, but the coffee
machine's broken.

I thought they were going to fix that
yesterday.

It can't be done.

Why?

Because. Oh.

Hey, good morning, everybody.

What's good about it? Oh, it's a
beautiful day.

It stinks.

Oh, come on. Look on the bright side.

Here, you can't see the bright side
because of the small.

That's right. This city's the pits.

Rude people.

Pollution. Sin. Well, that's what makes
the city so charming.

Why don't you put a smile on your face
and a song in your heart?

Why don't you put a sock in your mouth?

I'm going to the coffee shop.

of order. I just used that elevator.

Oh, you're the one who broke it.

Look, I want that elevator fixed. I want
it fixed right now.

It can't be done. It can be done. It
must be done. It will be done.

Oh, hi, dear.

Did you get the steaks?

Does that mean yes?

Do you know how much these steaks cost?

No. Well, the next time we have to buy
some, we have to take out a meat loan.

It's going to cost us $175 to
reupholster that chair.

What are you going to reupholster it
with, meat?

It doesn't matter. They can't do it
before April.

Why?

Because.

Oh, here's some good news.

Our rent's going up again.

What's good about that?

Nothing.

Well, then why'd you say it was good
news?

I was being sarcastic.

You know, you've been sarcastic a lot
lately, Bob. I mean, I wish you'd snap

of it. I'll snap out of it when we move
out of this city.

Well, then what do we do with?

Leave Chicago as my hometown.

Honey, if you're not happy here, why
don't we leave?

I'm not unhappy. I'm just, I'm kind of
miserable.

You know, actually, Bob, it's not a bad
idea.

I mean, move to a small town, start a
new life. I could...

I could probably teach in a one -room
schoolhouse.

What would I do, psychoanalyze corn?

Bob, you can practice your profession
anywhere. I mean, I see ads in your

psychology magazines all the time for
great jobs all around the country.

Here, look, here's one.

Peoria needs Ukrainian psychologists.

Well, maybe that's not a good example.

Look, country shrink -wanted must have
veterinary degree.

Forget it, Emily. We are trapped.

No, no, look. Here's one.

Small college in Iowa looking for new
head of psychology department.

Interviews being scheduled. Call Dr.

Edward Scranton, Dean.

It's not for me. Well, what's wrong with
it? I'm not a teacher. I'm a

psychologist. I don't think I'd like it.
Well, why don't you call and see what

it's about?

I am not calling.

Why? Because.

Oh.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

I just came over for no particular
reason.

You know, if you guys have noticed it,
Bonnie, I'm always come over, you know,

borrowing things, you know, and having
dinner here. You know, just generally

imposing on you guys.

Maybe once.

Well, I'm trying to break the habit.

Ah.

I just came over to be sociable.

That's nice.

Yes, it is.

So how are you guys feeling?

Fine.

How's your parents?

Fine.

What's for dinner?

I'm sorry, I can't help myself.

Howard, what would you think if we moved
to Iowa?

All of us?

No, just Bob and me.

Oh.

You're moving to get away from me,
aren't you?

Don't be silly.

You secretly despise me. No, Howard, we
don't.

You openly despise me.

Howard, we love you. We're just thinking
of moving out of the city.

Yeah, the hell with me. I'm not worth
sticking around for.

Howard, hold on. We may not even be
moving. Emily just read Ned in a

magazine, and she's ready to sell the
farm and buy a farm. Why don't you at

least call and see what it's about?

All right, I will call.

As long as Howard agrees.

All right.

Go ahead and make the call.

But you haven't answered my question.

What question is that?

Let's for dinner.

Ah, your resume's almost finished,
Professor Hartley. It's just an

Carol. It's a good excuse for Emily and
I to get out of town over the weekend.

Oh, but Bob, you'll get the job. I can
see you now.

Patches on your elbows, chalk stains on
your pants.

Coffee on my shoes?

By the way, they didn't come to fix that
yet.

Really?

Okay, all finished. Now, I included your
education, work experience,

professional qualifications, everything
you've published, and your community

activities.

Carol, couldn't you make it look a
little more professional? Maybe type it

bigger paper?

Ah, we're out of bigger paper, Bob. This
is a bigger paper strike.

Well, Bob, when you leave for
Bumpkinville...

It's not Bumpkinville, Jerry. It's
Pleasant Acres. Pleasant Acres sounds

cemetery. It is nothing like a cemetery,
Jerry.

It's a quiet pastoral setting, mid
-rolling hills, green grass, beautiful

flowers. And perpetual care.

I'm sorry, Bob. You go, you have a good
time, and you rest in peace.

Keep it up, Jerry.

Okay, I will.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

You know, I'm starting to hope I get the
job.

Ah, okay.

As long as you're going for that
interview, let me give you a couple of

so you don't make a complete idiot of
yourself.

Isn't he wonderful?

Thank you.

Now, Bob, whenever they ask you a
question, you answer with another

Why? Very good!

Bob, how about your clothes?

You've got to wear something that will
really knock them dead.

Good, I'll wear my exploding slacks.

Hi, Howard.

Howard, what are you doing here?

I came down to have lunch with my best
friend.

I want to spend as much time as I can
before he leaves for pleasant acres

forever.

It is a cemetery.

Howard, it's just an interview. I may
not even get the job.

Yeah, but I don't want to take any
chances. I'd better find a new best

Jerry, just...

going to be easy to replace you.

Apparently not.

Let's go, Bob. You know, I... Oh, I'm
really going to miss you.

Look, Howard, even if we have to move,
we're not going to forget you.

Yeah, you know something?

I'll never forget you either.

Hi, my name is Howard. Want to be
chavis?

You know, I think it's fun that they put
us up in a dorm.

I guess they ran out of phone booths.
Oh.

Honey, you know the motels are full all
over town.

Yeah, just our luck we had to get here
during national threshing championships.

What's lucky about that?

Nothing. Then why'd you say we were
lucky?

Emily. Oh, you're being sarcastic again.

Right. Knock it off.

Well, I hope your bed isn't as lumpy as
mine.

Well, I'm not going to sleep on the top.

I'll flip you for it.

Why don't we both sleep on the bottom?

Well, we were just roommates.

Bob, when you were in college, did you
ever bring a girl up to your room?

Of course not.

When it was against the rules, it was
immoral. Things were different then.

Besides, none of the girls would come
up.

I don't know how they could resist a
handsome devil like you.

It's a mystery to me, too.

Oh, Bob.

Listen to those crickets chirping.

Boy, you don't hear crickets chirping in
Chicago.

In Chicago, if you wanted to hear
chirping, you'd have to listen for

Boy, I think the town looks great.

How can you tell? All the lights are
out. I think the water wheel broke.

I think it's charming.

I think it's dark.

You know, honey, I hope you're not going
to go into this interview tomorrow with

a negative attitude.

I'm not being negative. I'm just being
realistic. I just don't think this kind

of life is challenging.

Hello.

Who are you?

Chuck Morgan.

Hi.

I'm Emily Hartley.

Hi, Emily. Hi. This is Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Hello. You here for the threshing
championship?

No.

I thought maybe you might be. You build
like a thresher.

Good arms.

Small head.

No, you see, actually, Bob is here to
apply for the new head of the psychology

department.

Oh, I bet you're a psychologist.

Got me.

I'm a psychology student.

Chuck, I don't mean to be rude, but what
are you doing here?

I'm studying for my psychology test.

I guess that's as good a reason as any.

You see, Dean Scranton gave us this room
for the weekend.

Well, then I guess I'll just go sleep at
Dean Scranton's house.

Oh, just one thing.

Watch this top bunk. A couple of the
slats are broken.

Getting more than one person up there,
it can be embarrassing.

Chuck, how's the psychology department
here?

Well, it's tough.

It's the toughest course I have.

Here, take a look at some of these
questions we've got to study.

Who was the father of psychology?

A, George Washington?

B, Sigmund Freud?

C, Joseph Psychology?

D, Joseph Psychology, Jr.? Well, that's
an easy one.

It's Joseph Psychology.

Come on, you know it was Freud.

I do now.

Thanks a lot.

Emily, he wrote the answer on his hand.

Yeah. Good thing it was a short answer.

You can't go through life that way.
You'll never learn anything.

You know what I would do if I were head
of the psychology department here?

Make everybody wash their hands before
class.

Yeah, and I'd make sure that the kids
learned something worthwhile. I'd

introduce them to...

Behavior modification, group therapy,
gestalt techniques.

And when the kids got out of here,
they'd be ready. They'd have answers

all over their body.

Well, thank you for stopping by, Dr.
Rapkud.

And if we ever have a Pakistani
psychology student, then we'll be in

you.

We'll be in touch with you.

Thank you. Thank you. And thank you very
much for the goat sandwiches.

All right. This whole thing is a waste
of time. The psychology department is

much too big to begin with. In fact, it
could stand some pruning. Do I detect a

note of hostility because the department
head didn't go to you?

It's not a note. It's a symphony.

Now, now, now. You know that the
trustees told us to look outside rather

promote. From within. Oh, yes, and
that's a brilliant idea. Fresh blood,

what we need. How shall I put this?

Progress is our most important product.

Why don't you stick your head in a light
socket?

Ah, good morning.

Oh, this must be Dr. Hartley. That's
right.

I'm Dr.

Scranton, the dean of the college, and
this is one of our senior staff members,

Dr. Eleanor Doctor, and her colleague,
Dr.

Franklin Pitt.

Doctor? Doctor?

Doctor, doctor.

Good morning.

You must get a lot of ribbing about your
name.

Why?

I don't know.

Have a seat, Dr. Hartley.

All right, doctors.

Resume number six.

Yes, the recipe card.

I made it smaller because I just wanted
to include the highlights of my career.

I see here that you were a patrol boy in
elementary school.

I was almost captain.

Well, what is a resume? How can you
capture the total essence of a man on a

piece of paper? One need only say, I
think, therefore I am.

I was going to put that in.

What does it matter? Really, one man's
information is another man's trivia.

Let's try to find the full measure of
the man. Bob, what's the most

event in your life? Besides being a
patrol boy.

The most significant event.

Yes.

In my life.

Yes.

Why are you...

Answering our questions with a question.

Why, why indeed?

You seem to be a little nervous, Dr.

Hartley.

A little nervous?

Well, um, doctor,

doc, doctor, doctor.

To, to be frank, I, I am a little
nervous.

I've never interviewed for a job before
and I... I'd like to make a good

impression because I think I would
really like this job.

Wouldn't we all?

Tell me, Dr. Hartley, what changes would
you make in the psychology department?

Well, after looking over your campus, I
think I would enlarge the psychology

department and perhaps move it upwind
from animal husbandry.

Absolutely right. The man knows of what
he speaks. The psychology department

should be enlarged.

Well, it's always been this size.

I think it should be smaller.

Well, I think it's good that a college
remains small.

Not too small.

And I think it should remain the same
size.

Unless it gets bigger.

I think it's safe to say that we should
try to make it bigger, but

at the same time try to retain it.

a certain degree of... of smallness.

But, of course, I'm... I'm not locked
into that.

Anything else, Dr. Hatter? Yes, I would
try to attract prestigious guest

lecturers. Brilliant.

Can't be done.

Uh, why?

Because... Oh.

But it's a very interesting suggestion.

Here's another one.

I think we should introduce outdoor
seminars.

Absolutely right. The outdoors are the
doors of the future.

Outdoor seminars.

It can't be done.

Well, actually, it can be done quite
easily. Instead of holding a class, say,

a room, you would move it outdoors.

Man's a genius.

I said it can't be done.

Well, it can be done. Where there's a
will, there's a way.

I really love this guy.

I'm sure you're all familiar with the
story about the little train that was

trying to get up the hill. I think I
can. I think I can. I know I can. I know

can. I know I can.

That little train made it up

the hill because it...

It wanted to, and I think you can make
these changes in the psychology

department if you want to.

Well, we can certainly put those ideas
into committee, Doc.

Who is the head of the committee?

I am.

Well, Dr. Hartley, we certainly thank
you for coming.

I want to say that you have my vote.

The little train story just put you
right over the top.

Oh, it's going to be good to sleep in a
bed without a roof.

Oh, I think we ought to sell our
furniture.

Why? Well, this is too modern for that
cute little farmhouse I found.

Well, Emily, I don't know if I'm going
to get the job, and I don't know if I

want to live in a farmhouse.

All right, how about that cute little
house on the edge of town? You know, the

one with the white picket fence and the
root cellar?

Oh, what a great city. This city is
spectacular at night.

It has that cute little pine, you know,
corner built -in cupboard that I could

put knick -knacks in.

Oh, there's an oar boat on the lake.

Well, that would be good, and we could
certainly use the desk.

Yeah, no wonder they call it the City of
the Big Shoulders. Look at those big

shoulders.

Bob, you hate this city.

Emily, you can't hate Chicago.

I mean, you can quarrel with it, but you
can't hate it. What about all the

complaining you did about noise and
pollution and traffic and the bus

Oh, the bus strike was settled while we
were gone.

Yeah, but we're right smack in the
middle of a garbage strike.

Come on, Emily. We can't walk out on our
city in its hour of need.

Bob, you are going to get a call.

And they're going to offer you that job.

Now, if you don't want to take it, just
tell me and I'll understand.

I don't want to take it. I don't
understand.

Emily, I thought about it on the way
home. I mean, Pleasant Acres is nice,

don't think I want to live there. And I
don't think I could work with those

people.

Why didn't you tell me that before?

I didn't realize it until I got home.

You aren't disappointed, are you?

Well, just a little.

But it's all right.

I'll put some chickens in the den and a
cow on the balcony.

And when the National Threshing
Championships comes to Chicago, I'll

you.

Hi, Emily.

Hi, Howard.

Well, I met a new best friend.

Congratulations. Yeah, his name is
Warren. He's a shorter cook than a

Looks like Gilbert Rowland.

Oh, uh, that's Warren.

I met him when I was eating breakfast.

Takes more than breakfast to make a best
friend, Howard.

And I stayed for lunch.

Well, uh, when are you guys moving to
Iowa?

Uh, we're not.

What? Well, I decided not to take the
job.

Well, what's going to happen to me? I'm
going to be stuck with two best friends.

I think Warren is going to understand
this.

Those shorter cooks are quick to anger.

I'm sure he'll understand, just like we
do. I mean, we can all be best friends.

Well, I'll check with Warren.

He may not even like you.

I sure hope Warren likes us.

Why do you hope that?

I don't.

Well, then why did you say it?

Thank God.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dr.

Pitt.

Fine, fine, thank you.

We had a nice time, too.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the little
train story.

I got the job.

Well, that's very flattering, but I'm
going to have to turn it down.

Y 'all, I've made up my mind. I like my
job. I have, and I like the friends I

have here.

Thank you.

Woo -woo to you, too.

Oh, that's it. I've had it with this
place.

I am not walking up seven flights of
stairs every day. I am not going to kill

myself. I mean, who do they think we
are? Who do they think they are? We pay

rent. We deserve an elevator.

Something should be done. Something must
be done. Something will be done.

Unless they fix those elevators in five
minutes, I am not responsible for what's

going to happen. Well, that goes double
for me.

Great to be back, isn't it, Bob?

Damn right.