All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e15 The Ironwood Experience

Emily? Oh, Bob?

Honey, I can't reach the top shelf.
Could you give me a hand?

Sure.

Thank you.

What's all the cleaning stuff for? Take
a wild guess.

Dinner.

place this weekend, Bob. We are going to
clean that grease trap in the stove.

We're going to mop behind the
refrigerator. We're going to hose down

screens.

This, uh, this weekend.

Don't tell me we have other plans.

Not we, I.

I knew that would happen.

Didn't I mention I've been asked to
lecture at Ironwood this weekend?

No.

Well, then let me mention it. I've been,
uh, I've been asked to lecture at

Ironwood this weekend.

Emily, they, uh, they want me to lead a
therapy group and, uh...

It's a prestigious place, and I'd like
to do it. What about our deep down

in dirt?

Yeah, I want to do that, too.

Sort of on the horns of a dilemma.

I'll do the cleaning by myself.

I'll have a wonderful sense of
accomplishment doing it by myself with

from anyone.

You're a proud eagle, Emily.

Hi, Emily. Can I come in? Sure.

Can I bring my phone?

Can't find a sitter.

You know, the airline might call. I'm on
standby.

Oh, I want to tell you something. It's a
hard and lonely life being on standby.

I mean, no one to sit with.

No one to laugh with.

No one to drink with.

You want a drink, Howard?

No, I... I'm not allowed airline policy.

But then again, if they haven't called
by now, chances are they won't call at

all.

No, I better not.

Howard,

do you want a drink or not?

You better have one.

You're pacing like a caged animal.

Howard, you're having a drink.

Well, as long as you're offering.

You know, one time I was on standby and
I had a bad cough.

I mean, really a bad cough. And I took a
little brandy and it didn't make me

dizzy at all.

What did?

Let me see. Only two minutes. Ah, what
the heck.

They're not going to call.

No, wait. I swallowed it.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

Is my speech slurred? Am I making any
sense at all?

No, but it's never bothered you before.

Hello?

First Officer Gordon, sober as a judge.

Why 26 to Phoenix?

Yes, sir, you can count on me.

Oh, boy, I've got to burn this alcohol
out of my system. Maybe I should run to

the airport and I can burn it all up.
You can burn it quicker if you run

backwards. Why didn't I think of that?

Because you're drunk. Oh, that's right.

That grease trap in the stove. I'm going
to move all the furniture and vacuum.

Well, Emily, save something for me.

I know. When I get back from Ironwood,
I'll clean all the estuaries.

We don't smoke, Bob.

And we should be proud of it, Emily.

I know. I'll let you clean the grease
trap before you go to Ironwood.

Well, I'd love to, but I have to prepare
my lecture.

Another dilemma.

What's your lecture about?

Oh, it concerns men and women and their
interpersonal relationships.

You mean it's a sex workshop?

Sure, take it right down into the
gutter, Emily.

This preliminary activity leads us to
the physical encounter between the

male and female partner.

Who should be the aggressor? Who should
assume?

The passive role.

It has been my personal observation.

You little dickens.

Carol, apparently you're too immature to
handle this. Just leave that section

blank. Another blank, Bob?

You're no fun.

This isn't supposed to be fun. It's a
scientific lecture.

Therefore, I wish you'd drop the hot
stuff and woo -wee.

I never said woo -wee. You did, too.

I said yahoo. It's the same thing.

The male partner is usually the
aggressor because he is attracted by...

-wee!

That's it.

Can I come in?

You coming by parent or guardian?

Come on in, Jerry. Just type up what
I've done so far. Fine. I'll type it

a cold shower.

And no more hoo -wees. Right.

to go to the game this Saturday, I've
got great seats on the one -yard line.

One -yard line?

We'll be able to see everything, Bob.
They're 102 rows up.

All right, Jerry, I have to work out of
town this weekend. Where?

I'm not going to tell you, Jerry,
because if I told you, you'd make

Oh, sure, just because I tell you
everything.

I guess that means that you don't have
to tell me anything.

All right, Jerry, I'll tell you, but no
cracks.

I'm going to lecture at the Ironwood
Institute on a sex seminar.

What do you know about sex? You've been
married eight years.

That's a crack, Jerry.

I've given many lectures on sex.

Oh, I get it. Those that can't teach.

That's two cracks, Jerry. One more and
you're out. Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

Jerry, I don't understand your attitude
about sex.

I mean, sex isn't something you snicker
at.

Excuse me, Bob. I can't make up these
words.

Which one is that?

Such and such begins with adolescence
and continues through old age. What's

and such?

You had to whisper facial hair?

Well,

Bob, it's up to you. You can go away if
you want to. I want to.

Bob, I think it's crazy to miss the game
of the season for a dumb sex workshop.

I mean, personally, I think sex
workshops are stupid.

I mean, a whole weekend with just one
topic, sex?

I mean, what's the big deal about sex?
It's just sex.

That's all it is.

Sex, Bob, instead of football?

Instead of football.

Sex. And you have to go. I have to go.

Okay, Bob, you go.

Take me with you, Bob. I'll be in school
soon.

You know,

Emily, I really feel bad about leaving
you alone here with all this work.

This isn't work, Bob. This is a joy.

I mean, what woman wouldn't want to get
down on her hands and knees, shove her

arms into a pail of greasy water up to
the elbows, scrub her floor till her

is breaking?

Work! This is a ball.

I thought it was work.

Goodbye.

Hello.

Hi, Jerry. Listen, I can't talk right
now, Jerry. I got to catch a plane.

No, Jerry, you can't come along with me.

Jerry, I don't need free gum treatments.

Goodbye.

Why would Jerry want to go to Ironwood?

Well, you know, Jerry, you mentioned
sex, and right away he thinks about...

He has an incredible imagination.

Well, I better get going. I'm going to
miss my sex.

Plain.

Brody and Slip, Dr. Hartley.

Emily, you're not worried about this,
are you? Oh, I'm not worried.

Good, because you shouldn't worry about
it.

I'm not worried. Have a good trip.

You know, I don't know why I didn't
think of this earlier.

You could have gone with me.

Why? Well, so you wouldn't worry, and
the lecture might be, you know,

Are you saying I need a lecture on sex?

I'm not saying, you know, you need a
lecture on sex.

You know, you're never too old to learn.

But you always said our marriage was
perfect.

Well, as a psychologist, I know that,
you know, no marriage is perfect.

But ours is.

is pretty perfect.

I'm coming with you.

Sure.

You really want me to go?

Sure, that's why I asked you.

Oh, Bob, this is silly. I mean, I'm not
packed. I have other plans.

You go without me. Okay, but don't
worry.

I'll be ready in a minute.

Oh, no, no, Bob, forget it.

Goodbye.

Yeah,

we're, uh...

You're getting pretty good at this.
Yeah, practice makes perfect.

I'll put that in my speech.

Oh, hi, Bob.

Where are you going?

Howard, I don't have time to talk. I
have to catch a plane.

You can't catch a plane. Your arms
aren't long enough.

You can't catch a plane.

Where's he going, Emily?

Uh, Bob's going to a sex workshop.

I'm sorry to hear that, Emily. I... I
didn't know you were having those kind

problems.

Can I, uh... Can I help?

I didn't mean... I mean, can I be of any
service?

I mean, can I, uh... Can I, uh, function
any way as a friend?

Well,

I didn't mean any of those things.

If you want me, I'll be in bed.

Come in.

Hi, Emily.

Can I borrow something? I want to take a
bath.

You want to borrow a cup of water?

No, I want to borrow some bubble bath.

towel. I hate to go away empty -handed.

Sure. I'll be back in a minute.

Howard,

did you push the refrigerator back
against the wall? Yeah, it gives you

room in the kitchen.

Well, if you leave it there, no one will
know there's dirt behind it. Well,

you'll know, and I'll know.

It'll be our little secret.

All right, what the heck?

Oh, all right, if you want to have a
dirty kitchen.

Come on, Howard, move the refrigerator.

Okay.

He... I already he... Here's your towel,
Howard.

Oh, thank you.

You know something, Emily, I'd like
to...

Thank you for all the things you've
loaned me over the years.

Oh, that's all right.

Yeah. And, well, don't worry.

Well, I'm not mad because you're holding
out on the bubble bath.

Howard, could we talk openly and
honestly?

Okay, I am mad because you're holding
out on the bubble bath.

Howard, we've known each other for,
what, five years now?

Yeah, five years. Five wonderful years.

You know, I feel like you're a sister to
me.

Well, sometimes I feel like you're my
brother. Yeah, that's strange. We're not

even related.

Howard, listen to me.

Has Bob ever talked to you about us?

There's nothing between us. We're
brother and sister.

Oh, Howard, I mean about Bob and me. I
mean, has he ever hinted that, well,

our marriage is less than perfect?

Emily, I'm a navigator, and there's no
such thing as a perfect marriage.

What's being a navigator got to do with
that?

I'm divorced.

Well, Howard...

Before you and Lois got divorced, I
mean, were there any signs that you were

drifting apart?

Yeah. She started dating.

Emily, are you worried about something?

No, I'm not worried. Good.

I'm confused, I'm anxious, I'm jealous,
and I'm scared.

Glad you're not worried.

Howard, Bob almost insisted that I go to
Ironwood with him. I mean, that's a

place where people go when their
marriages are in trouble.

Yeah, wow.

I mean, if Bob thinks we've got problems
and I'm not there to discuss them with

him, he's going to discuss them with
somebody else. You know, somebody blonde

and 24 and gorgeous.

Yeah, lucky dog.

Howard, you don't know what those places
are like.

It doesn't matter.

Well, I just wish I were there with Bob.

You don't want to be in a place like
that?

Oh, Howard, go take a bath.

With what?

You're not helping me.

Oh, come on, Emily.

I mean, you got a terrific marriage. I
mean, I'm sure nothing will happen.

Is that your real opinion?

Is it any good?

Yeah.

Then that's my real opinion.

Excuse me, Dr.

Morgan.

There was no one out there, so I just...
I let myself in. Oh, hello.

Hello.

I'm, uh... I'm Bob Hartley. It's good to
see you.

I mean, hello.

And... And hello to you.

Sit down.

And, uh, tell me, what do you think of
Ironwood so far?

Well, I just, uh... I just got here, it
seems.

Seems very nice, peaceful atmosphere,
great trees, lots of birds. You have no

clothes on.

That's right.

That's right. It feels wonderful.

Don't you stick to your chair?

No, no. I feel wonderful and free.

It's remarkable how being like this
relaxes me.

I like to take naps.

Well, you've got your way and we've got
ours.

We? Yes.

Almost everyone here is free.

Oh, boy.

How come I didn't see anyone when I came
in? Oh, they were all in the hot tub.

Oh, boy.

Bye -bye. I realize you may be a little
uptight. I know I was when I first came

here.

Well, it's just a little unexpected.

You know, I read your brochure, but
there was no centerfold.

Well, we don't publicize the nudity.
That way we're not bothered by people

just want to sit around and stare.

Right.

Can I get you some coffee? No, no, no.

I'll get it myself.

Well, just ask my receptionist. She
should be back from lunch by now.

Hi. Could I get a cup of coffee, please?

Why, certainly. I'll make a fresh pot.

Cream, sugar?

Black and a pair of sugars.

She seems like a very nice girl.

So it reminds me of my secretary.

Parts of her. Around the office.

Bob, I wish you didn't feel so
uncomfortable.

Well, it's just, you know, I've always
worn clothes.

Well, you weren't born with them.

No, but since then they've become a sort
of hobby.

Relax, Bob. This is the 1970s.

Yeah, well, see, I'm a kind of 1950s
kind of guy. I liked Ike. Well, so did

And Ike liked clothes.

Bob, you can wear your clothes if you
want to.

I'm sure your group would find it a very
refreshing change.

And my group, they'll be free.

Yes.

And all the other speakers will be free,
too.

Sure you don't want to give it a try?

Uh, will I have a podium?

No, just a microphone.

How wide a microphone?

Hi, honey.

Welcome home, Bob.

Were you expecting someone else?

Come on, Mom. I just wanted to look good
for the man in my life.

Works for me.

Would you like a martini?

Fine.

The floors look great.

Oh, it was nothing.

I stripped them, scrubbed them, waxed
them, buffed them, twice.

Well, you looked terrific.

Well, I wanted everything to be perfect
for you, even though you think nothing

is perfect.

Right.

So, how was Ironwood?

Uh, perfect.

I spent the entire weekend talking to
couples who were having problems in

marriage. It made me realize what kind
of shape our marriage is in.

What shape is that?

Perfect. I mean, by comparison.

A lot of those couples spend most of
their time just being suspicious of

partners. Oh, that's insane.

Right.

See, our marriage is based on trust.

I mean, you sent me up to Ironwood and
didn't even bat an eye.

Well, I may have batted once or twice.

In fact, I batted my brains out.

You know, Bob, I imagine all kinds of
crazy things were going on up there. I

mean, I even thought people were running
around without their clothes on.

That's silly. There's very little
running.

What?

Well, that's the other thing I wanted to
tell you about Ironwood.

Everybody up there was nude.

You mean they were naked?

No, nude.

Were you naked?

No. Were you nude?

Emily, you know me. I get embarrassed at
a zoo.

Well,

I learned something this weekend, Bob.

You can never take a marriage for
granted.

I learned something, too.

What?

A lot of people have moles you never
see.

I'm glad you're home. I want to talk to
both of you.

Now, I don't want you to think of me as
your friend.

I want you to think of me as someone
who's been around.

One who's seen life at its lowest depth,
to its highest pinnacle.

I've been married and I've been
divorced.

Bob and Emily, I don't want to see this
marriage break up.

Now, Bob, tell Emily you love her and
Emily, you tell Bob you love him.

And after that, I want to see you two
live happily ever after. Now, go ahead.

I love you, Emily.

Well, I love you too, Bob.

What about living happily ever after?

We'll do it.

Well,

I'm glad I got that straightened out.

That was strange.

But nice.

Did you mean it, Bob?

Do you really love me?

Yeah, Emily, I really love you.

How about another martini?

No, but, uh, I think I'll, uh, just go
in the other room

and slip into something a little more
comfortable.

Okay, but, uh, don't take your clothes
off. I've seen enough of that for one

week.

Morning, Carol.

Well, look who's back from Ironwood.

You scamp. You scalawag. You little
devil. You, you.

A simple hello would do, Carol.

There was an article about Ironwood in
the paper this weekend, Bob.

Well,

Bob, tell us all about it, Bob. Tell us
all about it. Give us all the juicy

details, Bob. The juicy details.

I can see there's been no sudden attack
of maturity here over the weekend.

Come on, huh?

Huh?

All right, nobody had a stitch of
clothes on.

Sure, Bob, sure. Except me.

I was fully clothed. Oh, come on, Bob,
come on. What happened, huh?

Okay, I'll tell you the truth. I didn't
have any clothes on either.

That's just ludicrous.

Bob, nude.

Can you imagine that?

Nude.