Original subtitles

Oh, Carol, would you file these, please?

Sure. Uh, Bob.

Yeah. Let's talk Christmas gifts.

Fine. Go ahead. I was referring to those gifts for your fellow workers here on

the seventh floor.

Specifically? Specifically that portion of the seventh floor that we like to

refer to as the reception area.

Carol, could you be even more specific?

My gift.

Now, Bob, sometimes the gift, the giver gives.

are not the greatest gifts for the givee to get.

Gotcha. This year, Bob, you might like to take into consideration the person's

height, the color of their hair, and the color of their eyes.

Carol, am I to take it from that that you weren't happy with the gift we gave

you last year?

I loved my pencil sharpener, Bob.

But it didn't match my eyes.

Carol, about this Christmas present nonsense, let's kiss it off.

Now, Jerry, every Christmas we exchange Christmas presents. Yeah, but I never

know what to get anybody.

Well, just use your imagination and give something you'd like to have.

Fine. In that case, you'll both be getting a weekend with Farrah Fawcett.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Jerry. Hi, Larry. Hi, Red. Hi, honey.

They were out of mistletoe, so I got a geranium.

have to do this stuff in the office?

Better here than in the streets.

Wait a minute, Bob. Don't run off.

Larry, can't we just shake hands and wish each other a Merry Christmas? Oh,

no. I wanted to invite you and Emily and you too, Jerry, for Christmas dinner.

Carol's going to make this massive turkey with all the trimmings. That's

bad. I've been practicing.

No, I mean, I can't come. My mother and I are having dinner together.

Yeah, we can't either. As you know, my...

My parents split up.

Well, that's no reason to starve.

No, no, I just have a plan to get them back together on Christmas Day. See, I'm

going to invite my mother to have dinner with us, then I'm going to invite my

father, and I'm not going to tell her that he's going to be there.

Sounds like a good idea, Bob. Well, holidays have a way of bringing people

closer together. They generate warmth.

You know, they kind of remind you of the ties that bind. Yeah.

When do they separate?

Thanksgiving.

Thanks for cooking dinner, Mom. It was delicious.

Oh, Sonny didn't think so.

You hardly touched your parsnips.

Mom, you've known me for over 40 years. I've never touched my parsnips.

Well, that's probably why I don't have any grandchildren.

Coffee? Thank you.

You know, Mom, since you cooked dinner for us tonight, Bob and I would like to

make Christmas dinner for you.

No, no. I know what you two are up to.

Up to inviting you for Christmas dinner. No, you just get me over here in the

doorbell and ring, and guess who'll casually walk in?

Who? Him.

Him who?

Herb Hartley.

Oh, him.

Now, would I do something like that? I know your trick, Sonny. You're just

trying to get us back together.

It's written all over your face.

My face?

Such a fibber. Look, Emily, look at his face. That's a fibber's face.

You're right.

Breaker, breaker, this is your Chi -town sky guy. How about it?

How about what, Howard? I got the hammer down, and I'm heading toward the old

blue couch, and I ain't eyeballed a smokey yet. How's it looking from

you are over there?

He's finally snapped.

I'm practicing my CB talk.

Crazy buffoon?

No, it isn't, Van. I bought Howie a CB radio for Christmas.

Ah, this is for when you're on your road so the Smokies won't catch you. There's

no doubt about it. He's finally snapped.

No, Smokies are state troopers, see. If you say it in CB talk, I mean, they

won't understand you.

Howie, why don't you just talk the way you usually do and nobody will

understand?

Well, keep your shiny side up and your greasy side down.

And keep in between the bumps and the jumps.

What are you talking about?

I'm just getting ready to say goodbye.

Just say goodbye.

Adios, we gone.

What an odd person.

Well, I think I'd better be going, too.

Oh, Mom, are you sure you won't reconsider Christmas?

No, thank you, dear. I'm going to Miami to spend the holidays with your Aunt

Doris. Mom, you hate Aunt Doris.

Well, I'll just ignore her.

Oh, Mom, my Emmy will be nothing but sunshine and palm trees. Well, I'll just

try to live with it.

Oh, you and Sonny will have a wonderful Christmas together, just like Herbert

and I used to.

Oh, Mom.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be all right.

It's just that every once in a while I think about him and I get a little

I hope you and Sonny never have to go through anything like that.

I gave that man the best years of my life.

Wait a minute, Mom. Don't forget he gave you some pretty good years, too.

But the years I gave him are better than the years he gave me.

Mom, you seem to forget. You left him.

Now, let's not nitpick, son.

Adios, me gone.

I'll be with you in just a second.

You know, you never change.

Every minute you get, you're tying a new fly.

Yeah, well, you gotta be prepared.

You can never tell when a school of flounder might float by your window.

So, what's new? You still separate it?

Rumor has it.

You considered the possibility of changing that situation?

Yeah, but I had a couple of drinks and came to my senses.

Right. It's a nice place you got here.

It's a hellhole, and you know it.

That's kind of homey.

If your home's in hell... Look, Bob, don't patronize me. I know this place is

dump, and it's not as clean as, uh... What's -her -name would keep it.

You know her name.

It sticks in my throat.

Nice moose.

What moose?

That moose.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it came charging through the wall one day.

Mom was over at the house yesterday. She cried over you. That's the way it goes.

I mean, real tears, you know, not just little sobs. I'm talking about rain.

Yeah, that's her all right.

Puddles of tears.

It's her all over.

A veritable monsoon.

Look, son, it's not going to work.

Now look, you're too old to spank, and I'm too old to challenge you to a fight,

so why don't you get off my back?

Dad, the reason I came over here was to talk to you about having Christmas with

us. But you think I'm still wet behind the ears? You're going to invite Watson

in to come over too, aren't you?

I did invite Mom, but she's going to visit Aunt Doris.

She always changes her mind.

You know, after you were born, we were trying to decide on a name to call you.

She wanted to call you Herb.

Oh, after you? After Hoover.

And then she wanted to call you Calvin and Woodrow.

I wanted to call you Lucifer.

Lucifer? What kind of name is that?

Oh, I think that's a hell of a name.

Well, anyway, you see what I'm up against?

That Martha sure can change her mind.

You remembered her name.

Of course I remembered her name. Why wouldn't I?

We've had 45 wonderful years together.

47.

the last two have been iffy.

Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe it wasn't all Mom's fault?

Yeah, I considered it, and I considered it to be hogwash.

Now, look, Bob, last year I invited your mother to go fishing with me any place

in the world, but would she go? No.

That doesn't sound very romantic.

Well, I'm not just talking about daytime fishing. I'm talking about nighttime

fishing, too.

Just the two of us, alone, out there in the moonlight.

My God, son, they write songs about things like that.

Dad, sometimes you have to swallow your pride. You know, even though you know

you're not wrong. I mean, to get things back on the track, someone has to take

that first step.

You know what I mean? You're right, Bob.

And I've been waiting for weeks, but she just won't take that first step.

Where are you going?

I'm going out to get a newspaper.

There's more I want to tell you.

Tell it to the moose. He takes all my messages.

Hey, what are you doing Christmas?

Bob, do you want to take care of these now before you forget them?

What are they?

Little gifts for people who work around the building. I supply the envelopes,

you supply the cash.

Oh, yeah.

Here's, uh... Here's $5.

$5?

Surely you jest.

This is Christmas, Bob.

So hold up, Carol.

Who are these people?

Gene? Janitor.

Oh.

Pops? Night watchman.

Why are all night watchmen called Pops?

I don't know, but that's a wonderful insight.

Eddie. Mailman.

The real Surly guy? Yeah.

Well, why should we give him any money?

Don't give it and see.

Carol.

Receptionist.

Isn't it funny how all receptionists are called Carol?

Yeah, we used to have a Carol that worked here.

Right.

I managed to get everything my mom and I are going to need to have a wonderful

traditional Christmas, including this genuine traditional Yule log.

I never knew plastic was traditional.

It's a nice warm feeling, though, doesn't it? Yeah, something akin to

Oh, hi, Jerry. Here are the gifts, Carol.

What the heck is that?

It's a Yule log.

No, I mean serious.

Serious? Oh, it's one of those Japanese bug lights.

It's a yule log.

Right. In case you won't have any bugs on your turkey.

Okay, go ahead and ridicule. At least I'm going to have a lovely Christmas

my mother.

Too bad you can't say the same thing.

Oh, Jerry, that's a low blow.

I know. It's my specialty.

I'm going to spend Christmas with my parents.

Great. Bob, your plan worked.

Well, I'm not positive, but my mother said no, which is as good as a yes.

And my dad said never, which can mean several different things.

Face it, bud, you're living in a dream world. Your dad's never going to show

Your mom's never going to show up. Your whole plan stinks.

Best of the seasons are you about.

Oh, hi. Hiya, Martha. How are you? I see you got one of those bug lights.

Hello,

Sonny. Hi, Mom. I thought you were going to Miami.

Oh, no, I'm still going.

I just came by to drop off these presents. Hi, Carol. Sure you wouldn't

stay in Chicago?

Well, it has crossed my mind.

Thought it might.

What's he doing here?

What's he doing here?

Couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? I knew you couldn't be trusted.

Season two be jolly.

Bob, your parents will get together when and if they want to. Now, you can't let

it ruin your Christmas.

Yeah, you're right.

Where'd you ever find a turkey for two?

Oh, a new butcher near the school.

He doesn't raise pigeons, does he?

I'll have another helping.

Uh, you see, that's the neat thing about a tiny turkey.

There are never any leftovers.

You want some dessert?

Yeah, I'll have, uh...

Stick. Uh -huh.

Hi there.

Guess who?

Oh, Dad.

You win.

You didn't think you'd show up. Well, I almost didn't. Hi, Emily. Hi, Dad.

Then I thought, why should you two be lonely at Christmas?

Well, we're really glad you came over.

Any turkey left?

No, and I polished off the pigeon.

Well, I have a small mince pie.

Mince pie? That's my favorite.

All right, I'll split it three ways. Well, split it four ways. Give me two

pieces.

Oh, Dad, thank you. Thank you for the present.

Well, I figured it was one of those things you wouldn't buy for yourself.

I wouldn't even know where to shop for a stuffed smallmouth bass.

Now, wait a minute. This just isn't any smallmouth bass. This baby's a near

record. Four pounds more and it would have been close to the top 20 smallmouth

bass caught in eastern Illinois this April.

Hi, are we too late for carols and eggnog?

Hi. Come on in.

You didn't happen to bring along any turkey, did you?

A funny thing happened to that turkey.

Should have seen the flames.

I never knew stuffing was flammable.

Boy, could I go for some food?

Well, when you go, would you bring back a couple hamburgers?

Well, I have a mince pie. I'll split it five ways.

It's good to see you, Larry.

How are things in the travel agency?

Oh, fine, Mr. Hartley.

Maybe you and Mrs. Hartley would be interested in taking a... Oh,

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it, Larry.

Well, here we go. Pie for everyone.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Jerry.

I'll divide it six ways.

Where's your mom?

Oh, she nodded off in front of the bug light.

Now, suppose I make some eggnog, Bob.

Fine. I forget how Martha used to do it. Do you hard boil the eggs? I'll give

you a hand, Bert.

Breaker, breaker.

This is that side -town sky guy winging it in from Brethaham, PA.

I tell you, I got my ears on, I got my ears on, and I'm really winging it. I

tell you, I'm going to deck the whole of the holly.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, I can never divide this seven ways.

Anybody want to play with my radio? I thought that was little Howie's present.

Well, I decided to keep it myself.

I gave Howie a toaster oven.

What? Why?

He can come over after school and whip himself up a little roast.

That's it.

I'm sending out for pizza.

Sonny dear, I know you're not expecting me, but I didn't want you two to be

alone. So I changed my plans and sacrificed my trip to Florida.

Aren't you going to invite me to come in?

Yeah, yeah.

Can I come in?

Thank you. Oh, hello.

Changed your mind again, huh, Martha?

Can't trust a woman.

What are you doing here?

Did Sonny stock his bathtub with trout?

Now, now, now, now, it's Christmas.

Can't leave it alone, can you, Martha? Just because I like to do a little

fishing. I don't call ten months a year a little fishing. Yeah, well, why don't

you try it once? Maybe it might change and improve your sour disposition.

Oh, now, now, now, now.

Bob, what'd you get for Christmas?

Uh, Emily got me some, uh, some golf shoes.

Oh, neat.

Isn't that neat?

Yeah, neat.

Oh, God, anybody want some nice eggnog?

No, but I don't mind if I have some turkey.

No, I'm not going to let this wreck my Christmas. You can leave, Herb. Me?

I got here first. I'm not leaving.

Now, now, now, now.

Emily, you can knock off the nows now.

Well, speaking of leaving, I think it's time Larry and I hit the road. Oh, wait

a minute, Red. It's just getting exciting.

I couldn't find any turkeys, so I ate that little pie.

Well, sir, all this... All this Christmas excitement got me really

Let's go get some decent food.

Okay. It's that Shite Town Sky guy. I'll catch you on the flip side.

Thanks very much for stopping by, and Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry this happened, but I'm sure you understand.

You think they'll make up?

I'm sure they will. For every man, there's a woman. For every woman,

man. Old buzzard.

Old biddy.

And for every buzzard, there's a biddy.

Mom, you sure you want to have some?

No, thank you. Someone just destroyed my appetite.

Dad? Exactly.

Well, I hope you're satisfied, Martha.

Ruining everybody's Christmas.

Oh, Pat.

I don't think you can say she exactly ruined Christmas. How dare you speak to

in that tone of voice, Herb Hartley.

Mom,

I don't think it was a... It was a harsh tone of voice. I think it was kind of

a...

A melodic tone.

No, I know what your mother is talking about. It had a definite edge to it. You

know, sometimes you talk to me in that tone of voice.

I do not.

That's the tone of voice I'm talking about.

Talk about ruining Christmas. We could have had a tad more turkey and a touch

more pie.

That's the tone of voice. That's the tone of voice.

Tell me something, Mother.

If you hated my fishing so much, how come you waited till we separated before

you let me know about it?

When could I let you know about it? You were always off fishing.

It is hard to communicate with someone who's never there.

Is that a crack about my golf?

If the shoe fit, wear it.

I wouldn't, but you bought the wrong size.

Then take your shoes and stick them in the box and blow them out your ear.

I wouldn't have gone fishing if I thought you wanted me around.

I wanted you around, but I didn't want to beg.

I don't play golf that much. You call Saturday and Sunday not much.

What do you do on weekends? Nothing. That's because there's never anybody to

anything with.

Emily, if you're unhappy with our marriage, you can certainly do something

that. You name it, Ace, and you got it.

Don't say anything you're going to regret.

Well, I've had it with him.

You don't need her.

Listen to your father, Sonny.

He isn't saying anything.

Well, I'm going to.

Now, look, your mother and I have been married for 45 years.

46? 47.

Well, over 40 years.

And the thing we've learned in all that time is that you've got to sit down and

talk these things out.

That's right.

If you don't talk, things get awfully quiet.

And you start drifting apart, and the first thing you know, your marriage

up. It takes us a long time to learn that.

A long time.

Maybe we're still learning, huh?

Yes, maybe we are.

Oh, Martha, I've been a stubborn old fool.

No, you haven't.

You've been a stubborn old buzzard.

Look, well, let's, just for the sake of argument, suppose we were back together

again, and I wasn't going fishing this weekend. Is there anything special that

you'd like to do?

I'd like to do whatever you want to do.

Well, there's a fly casting demonstration at the amphitheater.

Well, next week they've got a flower show. Now, you'd like that.

Well, I think we ought to talk it over.

Why don't we discuss it over a cup of coffee at my place?

Or your place.

How about our place?

That's even better.

Oh, what about the children?

No.

They don't want to come with us. They're fighting.

Don't you think we ought to do something?

No, they'll be okay.

They'll learn to work it out just the way we did. Oh, maybe we shouldn't. No,

no, no.

bought our fight.

At first, I didn't know what you're doing, you know, and then when you made

remark about the shoes not fitting, I really didn't know what to think.

By the way, do you still have the sale slip for the shoes?

What?

Well, I don't know. I just might want to pick out a different color or

something.

Merry Christmas, Bob.

Merry Christmas.

Seriously, though, do you still have the... Oh,

Bob,

you wore my present. You liked it.

Carol, I love it.

Bob, that's carrying fake appreciation a little too far, don't you think?

That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life.

I mean, the color is hideous.

Looks like it was designed by Og.

A madman?

You wear that thing and people will laugh in your face.

I don't know. It's handkerchiefs one. I thought it was kind of nice.