All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s05e12 Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I don't understand it. It's not like
your mother to drop in at the last

Well, from time to time she conducts
surprise inspection tours.

Well, she said she wanted to tell us
about an important decision she's made.

Don't tell me she shaved her head again.

She said it was serious.

Emily, every decision my mother makes
she thinks is serious. Like when she

painted her kitchen.

She didn't know whether to play it safe
and paint it white or just throw caution

to the wind and paint it off white.

Well, what'd she decide?

White. She didn't want to shock the
neighbors.

Is there any way to dust dirt?

Emily, just because my mother is a neat
nut, that doesn't mean that you have to

be intimidated.

If I were you, I'd pick off that dead
leaf.

You think maybe you could help?

It's only one dead leaf, Emily.

All right, what do you want me to do?

Well, for one thing, you could get rid
of that newspaper.

Huh?

You think the place looks all right?

I think we did sensational.

Hello, Sonny. Hi, Mom.

Emily. Hi, Mom.

Dad still on his fishing trip? As far as
I know.

I haven't talked to him since last week.

Is he catching his limit every day?

Oh, yes. Yes, he always does.

Sonny, your father and I have separated.

Separated?

Separated. What do you mean?

Well, I think we all know what separated
means.

Oh, you're kidding, aren't you? No, it's
been coming for a long time.

Herb doesn't need a wife. All he needs
is someone to clean his fish and...

unsnarl his line.

Mom, what are you saying?

You can't sustain a relationship with
fish.

But you've got more than fish.

Of course we have the children, but with
the exception of Sonny, they're fully

grown.

My mother and father are separated?

You know, Sonny, you have a very short
attention span.

My parents are separated?

Now, I know this is going to be
difficult for you, dear.

Children always expect their parents to
stay in love, no matter what.

But you and Herb have been together for
47 years.

Your marriage is older than I am.

No, sonny, my mind's made up. Now, I
just came over here to tell you this

you hear it on the radio.

Mom.

Won't you stay for dinner?

Oh, no. No, thank you, dear. Tonight I'm
going home and do something I've never

had the courage before to do.

What's that?

Paint my kitchen off -white.

My parents are separated.

It appears that way.

Wish you'd gotten her head shaven.

Oh, Bob.

I know you must be upset, but remember
once you told me about a baby pigeon you

found when you were a little boy, and
you fed it bread and milk until it was

and strong, and then one day it just
flew off for a life of its own, and you

felt good because, well, you knew there
was a whole world out there waiting for

it.

I never found a pigeon.

I'm going to call my dad.

Are you sure you never found a pigeon?

Positive. Oh, do we have the number for
his fishing lodge? It's in the bedroom.

Well, who the hell found that pigeon?

Look at this, Emily. Our postal service
is falling apart.

Howard, did you ever find a pigeon?

I never lost one.

I mean, I sent this letter to my
brother, and he delivered it to me.

Howard, it was returned to you. You put
a 10 -cent stamp on it. Postage is 13

cents now.

Well, it's a bloody outrage.

Bloody? Yeah, I just got back from
London.

I mean, what if the letter was
important?

What if I had broken my arm and I needed
my brother to take care of me?

And there I am, stuck in my apartment.

No way to tie my shoes, and all because
of a 13 -cent stamp. Oh, take it easy,

Howard. Watch it, my arm hasn't healed
yet.

Mrs. Bakerman, I can't help but sense
that you're a little upset with someone.

How could you tell?

Well, you've been here for 45 minutes
and the only thing I've heard you mutter

is death to the scoundrels.

I am a bit of a sad sack today.

You want to tell me who the scoundrels
are?

My boss is at the supermarket.

I'm almost sure they're going to replace
me with a computer.

Working a cash register is all I can do.

And I'm very good at it. A lot of people
say I have flying fingers.

Tuna fish, 63.

String beans, 34.

Broccoli, 42.

Milk, 61. Ice cream, 98.

Butter, 82.

I think I get the picture. Squash, 19.
Noodles, 34.

Corn, 22.

That will be $4 .48.

That's very good.

And you did it all in your head.

Well, I may be a few dollars off.

You have to understand, Mrs. Beckman,
they're not going to replace a human

with a computer because a computer can't
say, good morning, have a nice day,

watch your step. Did you pay for that
lettuce?

And even if they do replace you with a
computer, they'll still need people to

run them, people with flying fingers.

I hope you're right.

I need to work. It's a very good way to
earn money.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

Don't bet the farm on it.

Oh, I'm afraid your time is up.

Oh, I hope they don't say that at the
supermarket.

Mrs. Beckerman, you live alone.

Could I ask you a personal question?

Sorry, Dr. Hartley, but I don't go out
with married men.

No, no, I'd like to ask you what you do
for fun.

Go ahead.

What do you do for fun?

I knit.

Sometimes I go to my church socials.

And I have a season ticket to the
demolition derby.

Why? Oh, I just happen to know someone
who's alone. I was just trying to think

of things to, you know, keep them busy.
Who is it?

It's just a close friend.

At the church social, are all the people
about your age?

Yes, but everyone's welcome.

And what do you do there?

We dance, eat, and make fun of young
people.

Thank you, Mrs. Bigman. My pleasure. And
I respect the fact that you don't want

to mention who your close friend is.

It's Carol, isn't it?

Is it a living American?

Yes.

Is it Stubby K?

Is it Stubby K, Bob?

No, Carol, it's my mother.

Oh, Emily told me about your parents'
separation. I'm sorry.

You know, it's strange.

I feel guilty about it. Like, you know,
it was my fault. I don't blame you.

Thanks, Jerry. That helps a lot.

Well, I mean, I always thought it was my
fault I was an orphan.

Yeah, maybe your parents knew how you
were going to turn out.

Reception area.

Oh, could it wait a few minutes, Dr.
Newman? I'm right in the middle of a

separation story.

Uh -huh.

Certainly. How very considerate of you.

He said, how'd you like to be separated
from your job?

Don't say anything while I'm gone.

Anyway, the way I feel about my mom...
You said something.

I'm sorry, we'll talk about the weather.

I feel like I've been rained on, Jerry.

I don't understand you, Bob. I mean,
here you are, a psychologist, and these

the kind of things you should be able to
deal with.

I mean, I really don't know how my mom
is going to make it on her own.

Well, when I found my mom, she was alone
for 20 years, but she did okay.

Yeah, but my mom's fragile.

So is my mom. She's a delicate
butterfly.

Yeah, well, my mom trusts people too
much. My mom wears her heart on her

My mom's a good woman.

My mom's the best.

My mom is a saint. My mom's a pope.

Jerry, this is ridiculous. We're arguing
about who has the best mom.

It is ridiculous. There's no contest.

Your mom has chopped liver next to my
mom.

Hi, honey. Hi, dear.

What's for dinner?

You're not going to like it.

Oh, that sounds promising. What is it?

Corned beef and cabbage.

I hate corned beef and cabbage.

I know you do.

Thanks for making it.

I didn't.

Oh, I get it. Now the colonel has
cabbage.

Read the note.

I had a few spare minutes this
afternoon, so I cleaned your apartment,

supper, and did the laundry.

No thanks is necessary, love, Mom.

Wasn't that sweet of your mother?

I'm going to have a drink.

Another note.

I wish you wouldn't, love, Mom.

Honey, your mother's only trying to
help. She's got a lot of time on her

Emily, she says she wanted to lead her
own life. For the past three weeks,

been leading ours.

Well, I finally wrote that scathing
letter complaining about the 13 -cent

Boy, heads are going to roll when they
read this.

Dear Post Office.

Pretty scathing, Howard.

It has come to my attention that the
price of stamps has risen drastically.

It gets scathinger.

If this situation does not change
immediately, I will throw a stink bomb

building and or mail you a dead

fish.

It's the and or part that'll keep them
guessing.

Cordially, Richard M. Nixon.

Nice letter, Dick. Thanks.

What smells good?

Corn, meat, and cabbage.

Corned beef and cabbage. I love corned
beef and cabbage.

Good. I'll set another place.

Emily, we have got to do something about
trying to keep my mother busy.

Does your mother like skeet shooting?

No?

Then I can't think of anything.

I mean, we've got to have her make new
friends. Get involved with other people.

Yeah, friends are important. I play
poker with a bunch of friends every

Mom plays bridge.

Well, that wouldn't make any sense for
playing bridge while we're playing

Yeah. Do you want mustard with this,
darling?

Oh, thanks, honey.

We have to give my mother a push. Maybe
we ought to take her to one of Mrs.

Bakerman's church socials.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, it looks delicious.

Yeah, we got both your notes, Mom.

Three notes in the bedroom.

Could you save me some steps and tell me
what it says, Mom?

Think grandchildren.

This is a lot of fun.

Lots of people. Lots of food.

Lots of dust.

You know, the people here seem very
nice.

Well, how do we know that? They're
strangers.

You know, it's funny, Mom.

People are strangers until you talk to
them. Then they're not strangers

That's funny.

No, Howard, I didn't mean it was funny.
I meant it was funny.

Well,

I'm ready to go.

My mom said... Sit down. We just got
here.

Mom, the reason we brought you here was
to make new friends and have fun. I

don't need friends. I have you and
Emily.

Mom, make new friends cherish old.

One is silver, one is gold.

Well, I know what you mean, Sonny, but I
just don't want to be with people right

now. Everybody keeps asking me, when are
you and Herb going to get together

again?

Yeah.

You must be going to hell. Oh, Howard.

Well, I'm sure everything will be all
right. I mean, I actually enjoyed my

separation. I mean, I only had to buy
half as much food and, well, do half as

much laundry.

And just make up half the bed.

Excuse me for a half minute.

Well, how are we getting on? Oh, fine,
Mrs. Bakerman.

Mrs. Bakerman, this is my mom.

How do you do? Hello.

Mrs. Hartley, have you met everybody?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Mom, you haven't met anybody.

I just met Mrs. Bacon and... Oh, well,
um... That's Mr. Jackson. He has all his

hair, but he's missing his gallbladder.

Really? You know, you can't tell.

That's Mrs.

Ferguson. She has her gallbladder, but
her hair is alpaco.

Really, you can't tell. Looks like a
blue hat.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Bakerman. Oh, hello,
Howard. How are you?

Well, fine for a lonely man without
female companionship. Oh, don't be a

gus. Let's dance.

Sure. Do you do the dip? No, but I made
the brownies. Oh, I think

Howard has finally met his match.

Mom, would you like some food?

No, thank you.

Well, I'm hungry.

Well, go ahead. It's you who'll have to
be up all night.

Don't you think it's awfully forward of
Mrs. Bakerman to ask Howard to dance?

Yeah. He should have punched her out.

Mom, the reason that people come to
church socials is to be social.

Hi.

I'm Brian McDermott. Would you like to
dance?

No, thank you. Well, could I get you
something to eat?

No, thank you. She's afraid she'll be up
all night.

They're playing bingo in the next room.

No, thank you.

You've broken my heart. Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you sure you wouldn't like to dance?

Excuse me, she said no, thank you.

Just trying to be sociable.

I guess we showed him. He was just
trying to be nice.

She's not your type.

I thought I was here because you wanted
me to meet new people.

Oh, I do, but lady people.

At the risk of offending your brother.

I wonder if you'd like to go play some
miniature golf.

No, thank you.

I'll take care of this, Sonny.

Yes, thank you.

Wonderful. Oh, does the course have a
windmill hole?

The best, and a loop -the -loop.

Oh, see you later, Sonny.

Yes, take it easy, Sonny.

Boy, I never won a prize before.

Lucky you.

You're just jealous because Mr. Jackson
and I won the rumba contest and you came

in fourth with the lady with the blue
hair.

Bob, I can't believe you're still mad
because your mother made a new friend.

Kelly, what do we know about him?

Well, from what I understand... He's a
retired investment counselor, fairly

off, a widower with two children. His
son, Keith, is in Dartmouth.

The daughter, Cindy, I believe her
married name is Watson, is a computer

programmer in upstate New York. Brian
likes listening to classical music,

reading, and an occasional game of
tennis.

Yeah, but what do we know about him?

Do you want a cookie? No, thank you.

I mean, Emily, I just...

I don't like the idea of my mother
running off with the first man she

they didn't run off. They just went to
play miniature golf.

Sure, that's how it starts. What comes
next?

Real golf.

You sure you don't want a cookie?

I said no.

He's not my mother's type, Emily.

He's old enough to be my father.

That's how old he's supposed to be.

Emily, I think my mother should act her
age.

Did you see how much makeup she had on
tonight?

Bob, she just had on a little rouge and
some lipstick.

She shouldn't wear lipstick. I wear
lipstick.

That doesn't make it right.

I don't understand you. First you were
upset because you had her on your hands.

Now you're upset because you don't. I
mean, what do you want her to do? Lock

herself in a closet?

She has a whole house to roam around in.

Okay, all right. I can see how it's good
that Mom has someone she can...

She can go out with.

Someone to play miniature golf with.

Someone to walk her home at night.

Someone she can invite in to have a cup
of coffee.

Someone to talk with.

Late into the night.

Emily, what do we know about this guy?

You know how he'll cook you all night?

So the supermarket is going to pay the
entire cost of your computer training

program? Yes, and I thought I was going
to be fired. I was such a ninny.

I mean, in these changing times, you
have to ride with the tide and go with

flow.

Do what the situation calls for.

I beg your pardon?

Go with the flow.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up. I'm
expecting my mother.

Oh, I understand that she and Brian
McDermott have been spending quite a bit

time together.

Isn't that nice?

Yeah, that's, uh, that's swell.

You were worried about your mother being
alone, weren't you?

Yeah.

Even a psychologist can't see the forest
for the trees.

Hello, Martha.

Hello. Hi, Mom. How is Big Bad Brian?

Oh, he's just flying.

Just my luck. The real hunks are always
taken.

Big... Bad Brian.

Sonny, is something bothering you? Are
you eating enough roughage?

No, no, Mom, it isn't that. Mom, what
has happened to all the things you've

always taught me? I taught you to eat
roughage.

I was brought up to be very proper and
conservative.

And you turned out so stodgy.

I really don't know how you got that
way, dear.

Guess I got it from Dad.

Sonny, are you upset because I'm seeing
a man?

Upset? No.

I hate it.

Sonny, where did you get this annoying
habit of interfering in people's lives?

I have a good time with Brian.

He makes me feel important.

Is there anything wrong with that?

No.

How good a time.

Sonny, you're acting like a child.

Well, maybe that's because I am a child.
I'm your child, and I'm having a hard

time getting used to the fact that my
mother is dating a hunk.

Sonny, I'm going to say something to you
that your father has always said to me.

Why don't you dig your own worms and
bait your own hook?

Ride with the tide and go with the flow,
huh?

Exactly. You know, Sonny, I think we
should have an understanding.

Nothing etched in stone, just an
informal agreement that Carol can type

we can both sign.

To wit, you won't interfere in my life
and I won't interfere in yours.

It's a deal.

Oh, I'm glad, dear.

Now, let's talk about grandchildren.

Bob, can I talk to you?

Jerry, I'm dictating. This will just
take a minute, Bob.

Have you heard from your dad?

He's still fishing. Good. I got this
plan.

We get my mom a fishing pole and a pair
of those hip waders.

Then... She and your dad just happened
to meet in the middle of his favorite

mountain fishing stream. The sun is
shining, the breeze is breezing. One

leads to another, and he pops the
question.

Where'd you ever get hip waders that
large?

You just lost your chance to become my
brother.

You've made bigger mistakes.

All right, Carol, read the last part
back to me, starting with paragraph two.

Subsection C?

Yeah. Uh, party of the first part,
hereinafter referred to as mother, will

and desist from calling my secretary to
check if I had a well -balanced lunch.

Oh, by the way, Bob, she said that well
-balanced lunch should contain roughage.

Subsection D.

With regard to roughage.

In the event that grandchildren shall
ever appear on the scene, we will feed

them roughage.

Until that time, bug off.