Original subtitles

Bob, I just finished typing your letter. Care to sign it?

If you have any further questions, please call sincerely, Dr.

Robert Robert.

Type that again, Carol?

Wouldn't be interested in changing your name, would you, Bob?

No, if I did, I would change it to Dr.

Hartley Hartley.

Bob, you know, I could always do it in longhand, and you could type your

signature.

Or you could type it right.

Oh.

Oh, Jerry called. He's back in town. He said to say hello.

You know, I really miss that guy now that he's retired.

No one's made a snide remark about my coffee in weeks.

Probably too busy choking.

Listen, what's Jerry doing?

Oh, he just got back from London, Paris, and Rome. He must be miserable.

Yes, God knows I would be.

You really think he's having a good time, don't you? You know, that poor

hasn't got a thing to do.

Oh, do I detect another jealousy?

Why would I be jealous? Just because Jerry Strzok -Rich is wandering all over

the world having an exciting time.

Carol, my life is not exactly dull.

I mean, last night, for instance, on the spur of the moment, Emily and I went

out to a flower show.

You impulsive thing, you.

And then Monday, we covered the patio furniture for winter.

No, I'll take that back. That was Sunday. Well, what did you do Monday?

So I had one dull day.

Hi, workers.

Oh, Jerry, welcome back.

How are you, Jerry? Nice to see you, Bob.

Fine, nice to be stateside. I've got a gift for each of you. That's for you,

Carol, a little bottle of brandy. Oh, that is little, thanks.

It's nothing.

Close to it.

And this is for you, Bob. It's from London.

Oh.

That's the...

A coat of arms of the Hartley family I had all researched.

You're kidding.

I never knew my coat of arms was a lion eating a cauliflower.

That's symbolic, Bob.

You see, that's the fruit from the tree of life there. It symbolizes knowledge,

understanding, wisdom.

And a craving for cauliflower.

What does the inscription say?

Sum Familia Hartley. Yeah, that's Latin, Bob. That's a centuries -old family

motto. What does it mean?

It means I am a Hartley.

We've been saying that in our family for years.

Well, thanks for the plaque, Jerry. I think I'll put it in my bookshelves.

it'll look great there.

You know, I wish I had a plaque like that.

Well, you're not a Hartley.

You're right. I'm not an anybody. I'm an orphan. I don't have any parents.

Jerry, I know what an orphan is.

And I am tired of it.

You're a little too old to be adopted, Jerry. Well, I decided to go on an all

-out search to find my mother and my father.

Jerry, you think it's a good idea? Don't you think you ought to start out slow

and maybe find a cousin?

No, Bob, this is something I got to do.

Why the sudden concern?

Well, I was in the Westminster Abbey.

I saw there the tomb of a certain Lord Robinson, and he was killed by a

cannonball. And do you know where he was shot?

Well, it doesn't really matter, Jerry. When a cannonball has your name on it,

you're a goner.

Bob. He was shot in North Carolina.

Ah.

Oh, that's the worst place.

Well, but you know what that means? That means that he was in the United States,

which in turn means that I could be a descendant of English nobility. I mean,

could be a duke or an earl.

You could be the duke of Earl.

I'm serious here, Bob. I'm going to find my family if it takes every cent I

have.

Jerry, have you really thought this out? I mean, this could be, you know, a

painful experience.

Could be a dead -end street, a road to nowhere.

Yeah, maybe so, Bob. But it could be a road to Robinson Castle.

I mean, I have a right to know who I am. You know who you are.

I am a Hartley.

Here you go, Bob. Sign away.

No,

I'm not a Hartley. I'm a Cartley.

I hope you got a bargain.

Yeah, I did. I got it on sale. I got 10 % off and a free G -string.

G -string?

Yeah, I'd like to see the girl that wore this.

Howard, I'm really glad you decided to learn how to play an instrument, but

why'd you choose the bass?

Well, it's practical. It's not like a piano. You can take this to a party.

Hi. Hi, honey.

Hi, Bob.

Guess what I just bought?

New shoes, Howard. Very nice.

I just bought a bass fiddle. I'm going to be another Tommy Dorsey.

Tommy Dorsey played the trombone.

Oh. Well, then I'll be another Jimmy Dorsey. He played the clarinet.

Is there another Dorsey?

Yeah, there was an Otto Dorsey. I was in the army with him.

Did he play bass?

No, he played flamethrower.

Howard, do you want to stay for dinner?

No, I've got a bass lesson at 9 o 'clock.

It's only 7 .30 now.

Well, it'll take me an hour to find a cab with a bass rack on the top of it.

Well, you're not learning how to play the flamethrower.

I tried to call Jerry today, Bob. I couldn't get a hold of him. All I got

recording that said, Hi, I'm Jerry Robinson. If you're my father or mother,

leave your name and number at the sound of the beep.

Yeah, I feel sorry for Jerry. He's looking for a needle in a haystack.

Oh, I think it's so exciting.

Jerry seeing his mother for the first time, running through a field of

arms outstretched, tall, handsome woman with the sunlight glinting in her hair.

Sounds like a shampoo commercial.

Look at what their first words will be.

Oh, probably, long time no see.

There's so many things to say to each other, you know, so many questions to

Yeah, like, hi, Mom, why'd you abandon me?

Oh, Bob.

Why are you so negative about it?

Emily, because some things are better off left alone.

When I was in school, there was a guy named Warren Nestorenko.

He was an orphan also.

He dropped out in his senior year of law school.

He wanted to look for his father. It was like an obsession. The only thing on

his mind was, where was his father?

And finally, five years later, he found him in St. Louis.

Well, what happened? Last I heard, they went in business together. They were

very successful.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Warren never finished law school.

Bob, what is the point?

Well, the point is that's one story in a million.

I mean, Jerry could be disappointed. He's opening the door to the unknown.

Once he opens that door, he doesn't know who's going to walk through.

I mean, there are a lot of strange people out there.

Bob.

It's pouring outside. Can I borrow your raincoat?

Don't you have one?

Yeah, I lend it to my face.

Lucky we're the same size.

Sure.

The defense rep.

Hi, Carol, is the mail in yet?

Sorry, Jerry, no answer to your ads.

Are you sure?

Jerry, I'd recognize something addressed to orphan Rimpow Medical Arts Building.

I can't understand. It's been three months. I've advertised at orphans

quarterly. I've been through private detectives. I've crossed the country

times. Nothing.

Well, maybe you should drop leaflets from a plane.

Didn't work in Denver.

What about the orphanage you grew up in? Have they been any help?

Well, I got a clue from them. They told me that I was wearing a little blue cap

when I was dropped off.

A little ear flaps and a little string that tied under my chin and a fuzzy blue

ball. Oh, that sounds adorable.

My favorite little blue hat.

You still have it?

What difference does it make? It probably wouldn't fit anymore.

Jerry, don't you see?

Maybe you can trace the label back to the store. They can look in the records

and find out who bought a little blue hat 35 years ago.

Nah, when I was three, I ate the label.

Well, maybe you could trace the fuzzy ball.

That was dessert.

Morning, Bob.

Boy, Jerry, this is causing you a mint. Half -page ad in the paper?

Five papers.

Catchy caption.

I'm Jerry Robinson. Take me, I'm yours.

Jerry, that's the best picture of you I've ever seen.

Is that your nose?

Well, it was a lot smaller when I was young. You know, I just had it touched

a bit there.

Touched up? That's a hatchet job.

Excuse me.

Could you help us? Sure.

We're looking for Dr.

Tupperman. Oh, surely. Room 759, right down that hall.

Do you have an appointment?

Yes. We're the Robinsons.

Wait a minute.

Nah.

Jerry, why don't you forget this? This whole thing is driving you crazy.

I can't help it, Bob. Do you know what it's like to walk down the street and

look at strangers knowing that any one of them could be your mother or your

father? Well, Carol here could be my sister, for all I know.

Mercy.

I mean, any girl I've ever dated could be my sister.

Wow, you know what that could mean?

I've been out with you, Jared. It wouldn't mean that much.

Well, as a last resort, Bob, I've decided to offer a $5 ,000 reward.

Dr. Robinson?

Yeah, that's me.

Son!

Thank God the search is over.

What's that?

Oh, it's a book I'm reading for school.

The metric system is your friend.

Want to read it when I'm through?

I think I'll wait for the movie to come out.

What's that thumping?

Oh, that's Howard practicing the baby.

I feel like I'm inside a heart.

Honey, just try and ignore it.

That's easy for you to say. You've got an exciting book to read.

Do you know what time it is?

No, that isn't the name of a song.

It's 12 .30 a .m.

Howard, would you please stop practicing?

No, I don't think you're perfect.

But if you don't stop practicing, I'm going to come over there.

Yeah, it'll be a jam session. I'm going to jam that bass down your throat.

Good talking to you too, Howard.

Yeah, he's getting desperate.

His eyes are getting smaller, his nose is getting bigger.

Oh, he's just getting so depressed.

You know, this week he's had eight fathers and 11 mothers claim to be his

parents. They're all after the reward.

You know, when I was a kid, I thought I was an orphan.

I was sure that I was adopted.

Yeah, every kid feels that way. No, I mean, I was really positive because I

nothing like my parents.

I think you do.

Well, my mother is very attractive.

I think you look like your father.

You always said he had close -set eyes.

Well, it's not so much his eyes as his hair.

My father is bald.

Maybe you're right. You do look like your mother.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I do not look like my father.

No, I mean about Jerry. I told him not to look for his parents, but... I mean,

got parents.

Oh... Reminds me, your mother called.

What'd she want?

She wanted to know how come Jerry's picture is in the paper and yours isn't.

Did you tell her because I know who my parents are?

Yeah. What'd she say?

She said, sure.

But do you ever think to pick up the telephone?

You know, sometimes there are advantages to being an orphan.

Good night, my love. Good night.

Bob, where are you going?

To a jam session.

What are you watching?

Midget wrestlers.

Oh.

Who's winning?

The tall one.

So, the Mad Munchkin leads two falls to none over Abdul Shorty Muhammad and will

return to the match following this message.

I'm Jerry Robinson. I'm an orphan. Please claim me and now back to

What?

He is really desperate.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Is he alone or is it with him?

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Emily. I'm alone.

Go on in.

I decided to play in a marching band.

You know, Howard, I don't recall ever seeing an upright bass in a marching

Well, I thought I'd put little wheels on it.

What's your problem, Howard?

Well, I'd like to borrow some bass wheels.

Oh,

we're all out of bass wheels.

Could you use a pair of roller skates?

Oh, my bass would look silly in roller skates.

Well, they finally come for you, Howard.

Jerry, we just saw you on Midget Wrestling.

We were wrestling with the midget?

Oh, Howard, he taped a commercial.

Oh. Did you find your mommy and daddy?

Nah. I think I'm gonna give it up. Really?

Yeah, it's just not getting anywhere. I've almost run all out of money.

Jerry, you had enough money to retire on. Don't tell me you've gone through

of that.

Well, Bob, there were the detectives, traveling.

Ads and papers all over the country? It's expensive.

You know, I spent $1 ,100 on ads in American stamp magazines alone.

How'd you think you'd find your parents by advertising in a stamp magazine?

Yeah, I guess I was stupid.

I was just grasping at straws. You're grasping at stamps.

Well, I think I'm going back to orthodontia. Just have to resign myself

fact that I'm never going to find my family.

Oh, Jerry.

Well, you've got us.

I mean, we'll be your family. Right. Thanks.

Thanks so much.

Bob's always been like a father to me.

How about me? I want to get in on this.

I'll be your uncle.

That's very nice of you, Howard, but right now I feel like a poor relation.

I don't even know if I have enough money to buy my dental stuff back.

You need money?

I mean, no problem. How much?

Three thousand?

I'm only your uncle. Ask your daddy.

Hi, Jerry. How are you doing?

Oh, great.

How about I check your teeth? Hop up in the chair.

Well, if I don't have to hop.

How's it feel to be back to work?

Well, you know, it's been about four months. I may be a little rusty.

Dentistry is like riding a bicycle. You know, once you learn, you never forget.

What the hell is this? Is this mine?

Jerry, I have to get to lunch.

I'd appreciate it if you stay. I'd like to talk to you. I'm feeling a little

down.

Sure, Jerry.

You know, Jerry, I'm... I know I was the one that told you not to look for your

parents, but... Well, I'm sorry you didn't find them.

Well, it's all over, Bob. I put it completely out of my mind.

I wonder if my dad had naturally curly hair.

Jerry, there's another lady out there claiming to be your mother.

Is it the same lady who came yesterday claiming to be my father?

No, this one doesn't have a beard.

Tell her it's over. The search is over. I'm not interested.

She insists on seeing you, Jer.

Well, okay, send her in.

Probably want you to see what some people do for money.

Hi, Jerry.

I'm your mother.

Can you ever forgive me?

I forgive you, but he's Jerry.

Hi, Jerry.

I'm your mother.

Can you ever forgive me?

Get out of here, you old crone.

Easy, Jerry.

Oh, come on, Bob. I've had it with these phonies. I'm no phony. I'm your mom.

Hit the pavement, lady.

How dare you speak that way to your mother?

Jerry, you're being kind of rough on the old crone.

I'll play your stupid game. Now, what makes you think that I'm your son?

You have a birthmark shaped like a banana on your left cheek.

You blew it, lady. Beat it.

There are other cheeks.

And two of your toes are webbed.

You could have seen that in my ad in the Wall Street Journal.

Your toes are webbed like a duck.

I've been...

searching for you for over 30 years.

I'll never forget the last time I saw you, cuddled in your crib, sucking your

thumb, wearing your little blue hat with a furry ball on top.

You are my mom. You're my mom!

I want you to meet my mom.

It's a pleasure.

Tell me everything, Mom.

Well, we were separated during the Battle of Britain. I knew it. I am

Half British.

Your father and I met in London.

Oh, he was a yank in the RAF. No, he was a yank in the plumbing supplies.

We were in a pub one night, and you were back at the hotel with your nanny.

I had a nanny.

That's what you used to call your little blue hat.

Nanny, you named your hat?

Well, we had a couple of pints.

I went along to use the convenience.

Suddenly, a buzz bomb plummeted from the sky, and the pub was rubble.

Oh, no, a buzz bomb.

I woke in hospital two months later calling your name, which at the time was

Miles.

Can I borrow a tissue?

Quiet, Bob. Mama's telling us a story.

I'm sorry, Miles.

Sit down.

Well, the authorities thought I'd been killed.

So they placed Miles in a foster home with a sheep farmer.

No wonder. I've always loved wool.

And then...

Because his father was an American, they sent him to an orphanage in the States.

You could have traced me.

You could have traced him.

All you had to do was ask for an orphan named Robinson.

All you had to do was ask for an orphan named Robinson.

But that's not our name. It's Robertson. They've made a mistake in the records.

I've spent my entire life looking for you.

Used every cent I had.

Walled up.

So many pairs of shoes.

What a woman.

What a story.

Miles Robertson, web -footed orphan.

You lucky duck.

destroying flowers.

I don't understand it, Bob.

I mean, are these the hands of a killer?

Afraid I'm going to have to make a citizen's arrest.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Well, here comes 101 Strings.

Got my song down perfect. You want to hear it?

Do you have a choice?

I only know one song.

Well, then hit it, Howard.

Two one two three four